comb.io - Clips

Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing!

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

J, Are you afraid of me now? J,

J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta,

27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines --

I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys. I'm leaving.

Move it up, actually, if you can,

Rick, keep a level head, okay?

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

You respect me. Please, call me "The Devil." I'd rather not, actually. Yes, perhaps not during business hours.

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years.

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian.

MAN: It's a good show.

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?

undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right.

Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool.

Wubba lubba dub dubs!

Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!

I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller."

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

MAN: It's a good show.

This aftershave made women want me,

I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

That is pretty gay.

Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS!

Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep.

Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

- We're tourists. - Not anymore.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman!

I love watching bukkake.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes.

It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?!

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option.

I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed.

Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh !

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah.

Hmm. Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it!

I remember it differently.

Birdperson!! No!! Holy -- Drop the portal gun.

Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah.

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J,

That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day. You just might. W-what do you mean? These are the Jerrys whose Ricks and Mortys never came back.

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space. Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space.

undefined Chris!

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,

No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

He tried to kill himself.

Our alliance is beneficial.

Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high! Out of my way. The tint setting is always too high.

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV, Mrs. Sullivan always planned to leave everything to her cats.

So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah.

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five.

Oh shit. Oh shit.

Pluto is... ...not a planet.

What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.

He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer.

That is su-- -- suspicious.

Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

Hey, don't shove me!

Who the fuck are you?

That's Jack and Fabrizio. This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened,

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this?

Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.

Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

That's Jack and Fabrizio. This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened,

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

Shut the fuck up about moon men!

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties.

I like what you got! Good job!

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

...between one guy who can't get a break... There's something about you, Mrs. Sullivan. ...and nine cats who break all the rules. "Last Will and Testi-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House // " Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts?

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time.

Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me!

J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!

Wubba lubba dub dub!

J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong,

Oh, Jesus Christ.

It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com.

What the fuck is going on?

This disaster was an inside job.

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits! ...where the food is tiny. It looks like regular food, but really tiny. You can put it in your mouth and eat it. Nothing gets stuck in your lips. It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie.

he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

Get out! Get out!

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J,

Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Sh-- Obviously --

So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math.

You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway.

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

Pluto is... ...not a planet.

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am --

There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys,

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people.

Well, that's retarded.

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five.

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh!

I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch."

We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

wacky scientists, you know?

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born!

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.

Here's where I am.

You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?

Oh, my god! Oh shit!

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.

Diabolic son of a motherf--

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures.

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J,

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps.

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky.

J, Can you take me now? J, J, I want it real J, J, Are you afraid of me now? J, JV J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J,

Come on, Rick, quit sk-- stalling. What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over.

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend.

Hold on to something.

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one.

Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.

Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

Your failures are your own, old man.

I got you pregnant.

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

I hate video games! You take that back!

"I don't give a fuck!"

MORTY: I don't know, Rick.

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it...

Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry.

he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

Show me what you got!

So good luck with your shitty marriage,

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

grounded story about their shitty marriage.

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us.

I can craft stuff, too, pal!

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick!

All right, that's it,

So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know,

Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out. You know what? I'm taking this.

the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles.

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

J, Everybody seems so far away from me J,

l-l-l understand.

You stupid bitch.

So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that?

To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

Keep Summer safe.

Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.

I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

It's a good-a show!

It's how things should be.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.

We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer.

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.

Peace among worlds, Rick.

undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming.

l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back!

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry.

That's the last straw!

Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh?

What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool!

Oh, shit. We got tiny people,

It's how things should be. It's how they could be.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal!

W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch!

Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

BOTH: Tiny Rick!

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?!

Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

Hey, everybody.

I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!

So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got...

To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

Show me what you got!

My -- my -- my -- my man!

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers!

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.

J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,

I'm sorry, Rick.

Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.

this man was a registered sex offender.

Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.

No, no, no, no. Black people.

It's gonna be fine.

Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!

A movie about a guy eating shit.

Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

You pay with the curses, right?

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes.

We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

l-l-l understand.

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

ANNOUNCER: Ina world where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents,

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

We got a plumbus.

The answer is don't think about it,

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies.

It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty,

Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.

Get your shit together.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks!

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome!