They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb.

Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?!

We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go. Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously. Uh-oh, Marty, Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss? Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar.

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.

Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go!

Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure.

Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more.

Isn't that what adventures do?

This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick?

You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

Wobble gobba lop bops! Right?

You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty, This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay.

Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray!

All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here.

Y-y -- are you a simulation?!

Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick?

and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought. MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty?

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me! Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem.

Where did he get a gun? Who gave him a gun?

You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

Too fast.

Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.

Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways,

Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. J, My empire of dirt J, J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J,

You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.

No idea what you're talking about.

The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine. Help! There is no escape, my son.

H-hello? Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from...

That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out. Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on!

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!

W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch.

Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now. This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness, so we are forced to improvise.

let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."

So cute!

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.

And the final ingredient...

Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them. Assemble the troops. I've made a decision.

Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top.

Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool.

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey!

it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters. And then a giant tornado came. And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear.

J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh?

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?

Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?

You heard the man, horse doctor. You have to say you couldn't hack it,

Thank you very, very much.

This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas?

J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine!

Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.

Oh, the Hulk. I just got that.

This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible. And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't.

Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see!

...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins!

We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department.

Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

All right. Let's proceed.

W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.

Show me what you got!

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing!

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck,

You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging.

FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool.

D-don't dodge the issue, Rick! Selling a gun to a hit man is the same as pulling the trigger! It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted.

She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land.

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale!

You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one. Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad, and let's get this dumb universe rolling.

The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's --

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick.

Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman.

- Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time.

Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. What? Why not? Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice?

You broke your time twice.

I assume planet Squanch --

Dad, that is so sweet!

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car.

i ll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other.

So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No!

Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?!

There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!

J, You could have it all J, Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. J, My empire of dirt J, J, I will let you down J,

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?

Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now.

so you can make an army of your badass self? There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?

You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys,

You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure.

I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it, Whatever.

Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice. Unity, is it a bad time? Are all present life forms assimilated? Beta Seven, this is my single-minded friend from Earth, Rick. Rick Sanchez.

My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead.

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

Destroy it.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty!

Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream!

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought --

You know, you were right about the Universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place. Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know. This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Marty style.

Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son.

I hope I can call on you and Rick again if I need you, Marty, Sure thing. And I -- I was kind of hoping that I could get a selfie with you? Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse, Understood. D-i-i-i-i-ie! Oh, no, no, no!

There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians,

Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together. Get back!

I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean?

I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting,

Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here?

It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. We will give you passage back home so it can be terminated.

Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it.

I-I'm sorry, Jacob. I-I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and origin of your relationship with my parents. Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son. Now, wait. Th-there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared 40 years of each other, mind,

Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

Come on, Morty. Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty,

and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know?

l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass!

What? This isn't healthy, Rick. You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know? You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity?

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.

Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis.

How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes.

There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry.

Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars. I mean, wouldn't the cars always win?

Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers.

Our alliance is beneficial.

I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt?

You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person.

Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out.

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

We are not...them. Assemble the troops. I've made a decision. Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak,

Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'.

He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick.

Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!

RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet.

One dot, motherfucker!

Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

BLANE: Maybe I don't need a new friend. JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need. BLANE: Need, or want?

T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

You tried to kill yourself.

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

The nipple hole. It's beautiful.

J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself.

Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,

I don't want to go to the dance alone.

This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless.

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Best weekend ever, Rick. I agree, Rick. Let's see how long we can go. Hey, Une. You got any more -- FEMALE UNITY: Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes.

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine.

ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool!

Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad, and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing. All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it,

Grandpa?

Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13. - Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s,

The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."

Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

Get your shit together.

All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty,

I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery. You're just a symptom of it,

Like The Insane Clown Passe,

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.

i feel love in my heart, too, fast like you. i wanna be able to express that love with both a man and a woman. And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.

Science isn't always easy, Morty.

Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.

Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect.

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.

Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!"

Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat.

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices,

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!

Beth, listen to me. You're going to get outta here. You're gonna go on, and -- Jerry, just leave the door.

Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas?

Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine.

So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math.

It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that.

And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.

Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis. This microscope reveals things beyondcomprehension.

But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything.

I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was Kitt. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain,

Oh, Well, when did this stop being Jamba Juice?

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and --

Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got.

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly. In the meantime, please, stay on the ship and enjoy a complimentary plate of James Cameronion rings. Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken. I am gonna go back to the room to finish my book.

Man, look at them go. So coordinated. What's your problem? They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads.

A pussy emergency!

She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over.

My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean?

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh?

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here,

Good bye.

Sanchez? Are you a musician?

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me!

Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.

It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud. Oh, man, Rick! W-w-w-where we running ta? Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it,

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here.

What?! Pants!

RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all. Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,

Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s? What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?

and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now?

Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things.

Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight.

Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo! D-don't dodge the issue, Rick! Selling a gun to a hit man is the same as pulling the trigger! It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,

Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay, which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts,

The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all.

More wine?

Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally -- we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan!

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!

Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around.

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty, in a world where muscular Mannies are coming,

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him!

It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!

This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new.

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty!

And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty,

but you can't run from your youth J,

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!

Now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak-ass time again. How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah.

Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on.

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.

Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.

Nice.

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me. Bring up the holograms.

and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

What's going on?

L 'chaim!

It's a good-a show!

- Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved.

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me.

Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?

Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

What? Why?

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

I mean, let's face it --

What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica.

Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now?

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me.

l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space.

Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you? Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it.

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

Hi, guys. I'm your new teacher for Scary class. My name is Scary Mr. Johnson. Uh, actually, you know what? That's my dad's name, so why don't you just call me Scary Glenn, yeah? So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on Fundamentals of Fear. Which is -- what is that?

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer.

I am here if you need to talk.

"Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear." SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers!

Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human,

Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy,

I always could count on you.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him?

f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf--

Yeah, Grandpa, way to go.

- No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real.

Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds.

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great.

Absolutely! Good luck.

A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."

Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt?

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty,

So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time.

Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity.

We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo--

It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy.

because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important,

He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go!

What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her!

which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying,

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?

Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.

Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

- SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?

You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen,

l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario -- we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad!

We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three. See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?!

Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system --

I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Marty,

Unh! Class dismissed.

Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out.

for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.

Grassss tastes bad-ah.

Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! WOMAN: In your face! Give me the gun, I'm not doing this in front of Pencilvester. Bring him to the garage.

RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on. All right, I'm bored.

This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone?

and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact --

I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so." Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on!

He is the one true Marty! Hooray! The one true Marty! Hey, keep it down!

RICK: Unity! Unity! Unity!

Let's go. You will walk when it is time to walk. What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah.

This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi!

Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow!

MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms.

Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg.

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles!

What's that dipshit doing out there?

Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Here's the deal. I'm not here to judge. I'm just a guy from another planet. But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha?

RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday! JERRY: Oh! Jerk. Don't insult my father. He's the reason our kids are only half-stupid. Ha! You just called yourself -- Oh, - Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four. Your marriage can rest easy now.

- Got it? - Got it,

Come on, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that. Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries!

This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Thank you, Seattle.

Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done,

"Get Schwifty" was a jam. Hello? Yes, sir, yeah.

l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me!

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.

Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.

Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second! Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa!

W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.

I'm not looking forjudgment, just a yes or no --

We'll be right back after these messages.

Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

Fakedoors. com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake do-o-o-o-rsi Hey, wait a minute, Rick.

Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school. Owl, Oof! Ugh! Damn it!

No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick.

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work,

Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family!

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

SUMMER: Is it God?

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful.

I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run! Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl. Oh, Jacob.

- Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing.

still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.

spelled with threes instead of "E's." Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google! Mm. I'm so proud of you, Lucius. So, how much did we make? "We."

Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs. He's probably racing to cure its space AIDS. - He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it! BOTH: Shut up!

Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera. Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12.

I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it.

Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Call as up and order some fake doors today. Don’t even hesitate, don't even worry, and don't even -- All right, I'm bored. Change it, Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on.

That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!!

Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,

All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you? Ohh! He's asking if Tiny Rick will be here. Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night?

Run, Marty!

- I'm in heaven right now. - The best day of my life. So, now what do we do?

Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue.

You know, I think the bottom line is, Jerry,

You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty, - It would go without saying, huh? - Yeah, it would. Did you hear me say it? Nah. The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown.

Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three. See? Our cup runneth over.

No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame. My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey...

Aaaaaah!

Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

Can you blame him?

you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it.

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man.

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Assemble the troops. I've made a decision. Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak,

I'm not the one who -- who -- who --

J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye.

Hello. Guess who just sold the apples campaign. Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes.

Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad! MORTY: Drive carefully! Have fun, you two.

After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.

It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Oh, my god! Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk? Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut? Uh, l'm...not sure. Exactly. Show me what you got!

Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you.

and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department?

and I need them to help me with my research, Marty, Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations.

I will be back soon, Marty,

Boo! Not cool!

and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women?

Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel. I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, but beyond that... I know you can do it, son. I think it's time I get a place of my own, I promise I'll call you every day I need money or a place to do laundry.

The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?!

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend.

Ooh. Ohh.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? Mmm! Oh, boy, Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers." I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys?

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!!

most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp.

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah!

I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick!

What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't --

We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things.

The most important love you can receive is from yourself.

Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

You're fired. Wha--

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time.

Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details. Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think.

school is stupid. It's not how you learn things.

You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here?

Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow!

Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote. MAN: Well, " omcial.

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane!

the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America!

l'd hang out with Jerry all day. Affirmative! Returning to sender. No, hold on, stay, courier flaps. Staying! Dad, you have a friend... that's getting married. That's a big deal. It's a big deal he has a friend. What do you know about friendship, Jerry? Confirmed, shipping Jerry. - Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! - Oh, god! Jerry! Dad! Dad! Where is it taking him?

Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected,

It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system. That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen.

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

It's Hepatitis A!

Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings!

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be.

And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.

What -- what -- what are you in tar?

Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty,

giant feet,

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back!

What? What the hell are you doing?

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth,

that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!

W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

This is my house.

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this?

What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it! HEADS: Hooray! Yeah.

Martin Luther King Jr/s birthday. No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

It's messed up, There's caterers down there.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker!

We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this!

Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair.

However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this.

The cone-nipple people will rule this world!

We just have regular nipples.

He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,

These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch!

J, These memories that we cherish J, J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,

I really had something going there, Rick!

I'm a member of this planet's top race! Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards.

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important --

The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty.

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.

What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something.

Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs.

Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

- You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars.

Their entire culture is built around their penises.

Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I?

The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth,

you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right.

Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news.

The plucky little ball of water and d/rt, which is where it gets its name, is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos. Spaghetti, kangaroos? l’ve gotta check this place out. Well, you can. Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details.

You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00.

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people?

Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself.

Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez!

Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart.

You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal,

All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families.

I got to tell you, this morning, I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.

now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa.

Strike one.

I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay. Hey, we agreed. Never in the house.

I got pregnant at 17. I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't... I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth.

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks!

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison...

What? Why -- why me? Because, uh, you're --

Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.

You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick?

Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves.

Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?!

Oh, my God!

You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl,

Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times.

Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land.

J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome! Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance? Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time?

What the -- aah! Aah!

J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it,

Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship.

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Hold on.

Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system. That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline.

C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?!

They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad. Let's find a control room or something. JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it.

The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather. Out of my way.

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad? l'm ignoring you.

Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys.

l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not.

Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa!

Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser.

And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp--

Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Nothing gets stuck in your lips. It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.

Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it, Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume,

You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it,

I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,

Follow me on my adventure through this office. All right, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things. Excuse me. Can I help you? Starting with common office objects. Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! Such as staplers and pins and all sorts ofthings like -- such as that. That's it, I'm calling security.

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day!

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline.

I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

I guess he got what he deserved. What is that?

Well, I thought I'd walk to the South Pole and do a little bit of exploring. Ifyou guys need me, just yell or throw something so hard that it goes around the world and hits me. Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world, Please, he's in the South Pole! And we need to have a serious conversation.

- Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec. These are the forms for the employee health plan.

Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless.

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

On tonight's episode,

Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah!

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!

- They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir. There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians, all the famous ones... they're gone. Dear god.

Calm down.

Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

Please! Please don't kill me!

I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax. Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?

l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m--

Oh, my go--

Hi, Frank. Aah! Scalpel. Scalpel. Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him.

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

If that were really true, then...

He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr.

Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place?

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty,

Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry. Yeah, yeah. I got it. That's okay. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Try again and keep your head down.

Class dismissed.

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?!

l have a rare antique- coin collection!

What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake.

Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na,

Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job.

100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com.

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?

Hold on.

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,

It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine. Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

No, I'm Mr. Crowbar,

You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,

Tammy? Birdperson!! No!! Holy --

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation.

They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No!

Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes! Summer's gonna like me again. Lincoler, come on! Let's get out of here!

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. Grandpa Rick, couldn't you, like, use your superknowledge to turn yourself into a teenager and come to our school and help us hunt the vampire down?

J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened.

Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie,

Aah! Unh!

- Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

I'm gonna find some fuel and take a big, fat Marty, That's my new word for shit because of today's events.

A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty,

is it a bad time? Are all present life forms assimilated? Beta Seven, this is my single-minded friend from Earth, Rick. Rick Sanchez. Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ.

J, Don't leave me J, J, Never leave me out J, J, Don't leave me J, J, Never leave me out J,

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe.

Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to?

l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.

My name is...

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

Motherfucker!

Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family. And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter.

but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.

I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis.

And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart. You thought about getting an abortion? Everyone thinks about it, Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it, so you're welcome. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, thank you guys so much. It's a real treat to be raised by parents that forced themselves to be together instead of being happy.

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed.

God damn it! God damn it!!

He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.

Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer.

Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes.

they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now?

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

Ooh. Ohh.

Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money.

Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How?

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.

Well, I can't cure death.

He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.

You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego? Well, you'd have to be pretty petty. But you'd still be the woman I married. Where are we going? One last stop,

more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs -- one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory. I'm gonna miss you, Snowball.

When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine.

Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick. ln here.

let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends.

Everything cool in here, Beth? It's fine, Davin. Okay, cool. You know, we did something great today. There's nothing more noble and free than the heart of a horse. Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, lwill come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies.

Good one, Morty. Excuse me, bartender. Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about and a lot of vodka.

That means I own them.

Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.

Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them,

MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth.

J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, J, Damn right, and I'll do it again, 'cause I am nice so I gots to win J, J, Break bread with the enemy J,

you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded!

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?

I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it... - Brad! Hey! - Yo. Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk, Cool.

I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat.

So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there?

Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty,

We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as, because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate.

That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.

It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what?

Do you like this?

J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,

They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else. Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay?

Looks like we've got... haunted boxing gloves that wril make you the heavyweight champion in 1936, and then you'll be trapped there, winning the same fight for eternity. I can take out the "eternity" and the padding, and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens.

You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance.

you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck.

Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me!

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me.

He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no?

Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect. Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? Yes, we discovered a species oftiny pig off the coast of New Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west.

- Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, l'd hang out with Jerry all day.

But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."

Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right. Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes!

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down,

Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed! So, what do you think? You wanna... keep this marriage going a while longer? At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two?

Okay, if we add a little more titanium nitrate and just a tad of chlorified tartrate... ...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!

Hey, brah!

a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind. I love you. [processing, powering up f

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough.

My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are.

We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

Happy human holiday, Dad.

Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God --

"Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this.

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!

Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse?

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.

Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it,

ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency. It's, like, I'm trying to eat a Flimflam -- like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk. The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do.

I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here?

This -- this guy --

Hey, that's my deer!

I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes.

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?

Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here!

WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave,

lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV, Mrs. Sullivan always planned to leave everything to her cats.

You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know? Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?

The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf.

If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina,

It's-a good-a show!

Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected.

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better.

Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it! I'm trying! It's too late. Ladies and gentlemen... don't brace yourselves.

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

It's gonna be fine.

Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

Mm. I'm so proud of you, Lucius. So, how much did we make? "We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

on this robot's home world, which is... Gazcorpazcorp in the Andromeda system. Scoot, Summer. Don't you need a new companion now that Morty's in the family way? I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then--

Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward,

At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.

Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why?

Too fast. SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.

Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids.

- or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm -- I know everything about everything? Did you really talk me out of the abortion? Well, we -- we blew a tire on the way to the clinic, I think, in my head, Iwas doing it all for the kids.

You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop, You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick. What do you know, Marty? What do you know?

they set aside their previous lives as individuals. Give me a break. We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night.

Rick? You're not leaving, right?

I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!

Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!

Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

It's not a door, Beth. It's debris.

So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on Fundamentals of Fear. Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!

Get back! Wait, for real? You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around!

Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother.

First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!

I'm sorry. I just got expelled, Summer! Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young. My top! Screw your top! You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life!

If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it,

f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure.

I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Keep Summer safe.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them.

Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse?

No, that's dumb.

Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar!

Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real?

You guys are enjoying this? Don't you feel a little patronized? How so?

Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me."

Gar Ma Nar Nar,

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be?

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

This is a Galactic Federation outpost!

WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell?

you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy?

If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu...

I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet. They changed it in 2006,

We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah! Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now,

When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.

That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby.

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this!

- Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty."

All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you?

Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.

Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core.

It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty,

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this...

Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

You should find that Lucy woman. But -- but -- You see, Jerry? May I show you something? Had everything gone as planned, this entire area would be underwater, I would have liked to see it, This trip has been a "Titanic" failure. Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy,

More are coming.

Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

Oh! Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right?

the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

ANNC)UNCER: it’s the opposite news with Michael Thompson. Hey, everybody, it’s me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn 't get killed. He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba. in other opposite news, information. . .

Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty,

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick! Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has.

but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize.

What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it.

What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual.

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.

Big tough guy all of a sudden.

It's show- ... time.

I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Cheers to that, motherfucker!

You're a whole planet now, huh? After we broke up, I spent some time wandering through space. Then I found this world... ...where l was better able to focus on my passion for unification. You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick,

the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy --

Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera. Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12.

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity?

No, no! Look, you idiot!

Crap, they need me at the horse hospital.

You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow!

- SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?

No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right. Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast!

Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after,

Why couldn't I bring my portal gun?

These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me.

Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math.

This serum should counteract the negative effects.

We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin!

So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckers at the dance! Tiny Rick! Marty, you have to help me! Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! l-l-ls that why you're doing this,

My god, the man's a genius. Um, excuse me. Marty, what? Dad, what did you think about the recent report published by The Pluto Science Reader linking Pluto-quakes, sinkholes, and surface shrinkage to deep-core plutonium drilling?

See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works?

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed! So, what do you think? You wanna... keep this marriage going a while longer?

Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

Alexand--

Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons, like that show "Doomsday Preppers." Not really my style, Marty, Besides, your home is most likely swarming with Ricks by now. All right, listen, Jerry. lf Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location. You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah.

There's plenty of them, you little goofball.

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?

I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little.

Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system.

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, "

All right, let's go. MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up,

MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body.

where corporations use it to power everything, from diamond cars to golden showers. And the more we remove, the more Pluto shrinks. There it goes again. Just shrank a little. But a few years ago, your scientists noticed Pluto had gotten so small they couldn't even call it a "planet" anymore.

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

relatively speaking.

Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad!

What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah!

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.

RICK: What an asshole!

You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

20% accurate as usual, Morty.

balls, balls. ..

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you!

low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter?

Drop the portal gun.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!

Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys.

This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard!

You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once,

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith.

We will stop bombing them, and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption. Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy?

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting.

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs,

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God?

"Okay" -- like you're gonna quietly teleport somewhere and never come back? No. It's your house. Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez! I just gotta go to the bathroom. Damn. Oh, Okay, good. This is gonna be fun.

Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Here's some porn.

Whoa. Not cool, Summer. This is a party. Everybody should be welcome. Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.

which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.

Just don't hurt me!

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen?

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser. Rick, you brought me into this world,

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God.

Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name!

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he?

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!!

Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy.

Great. Hey, you know what, Marty?

This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town.

Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Yeah, get outside. Read a book. Put on some sunscreen, Danielle!

Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little. Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks. You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?

Lick, lick, lick my balls!

We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic.

Oh! Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting!

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid.

Here's another slogan right below that one. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

Hello? Yes, sir, yeah. Eh, thank you, sir. Thank you. He says he's proud of what we're doing and hopes we have a great ascension festival! Happy ascension! ALL: Happy ascension! We should pack up and leave town now. I think it's inspiring that our community is coping with fear in a way that involves a festival and homemade ice cream.

Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool.

Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry?

There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.

It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick!

Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh?

Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps!

If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.

Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?

Um -- Wow, Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer. I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever?

Oh, Okay, good. This is gonna be fun.

We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline.

I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it.

All right, yeah, put -- put them on my-, eh. I just got bored. Everybody out.

The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now.

Oh!

Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

Holy crap, Marty, run!

None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

Nojumpin' in the sewer.

"World peace achieved." Nice.

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster!

Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!

everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still.

Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.

I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy?

Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter?

and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place.

you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified!

You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie! Rick and Summer of Earth, for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to --

Let me try something.

To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a --

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you!

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No! Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch!

Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human?

Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that.

- What is this place? - Paradise.

one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth?

I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J,

We can adapt. We can communicate.

Wha?

We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote.

W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty,

J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

- Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?

RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!! All right, third time's the charm.

We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,

They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

MAN: Well, " omcial. The obscure planet known as Earth, formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist and fugitive Rick Sanchez, has fast become the 6, 048th planet to ]oin the Galactic Federation. The plucky little ball of water and d/rt, which is where it gets its name,

Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away.

So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes!

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it.

Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley!

Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race!

Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

He's saying "I love Obama."

Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

- Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer.

Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source.

Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him!

...ovenless brownies!

ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife. So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes.

RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

It's too late. Ladies and gentlemen... don't brace yourselves. JERRY: No! What happened?! WOMAN: Their rail system must have failed. Totally gonna get laid tonight. I like your feathers. They are designed to attract the attention of the female.

at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night.

What? Dumb. Bye. But Rick, Summer's just -- Summer's just a hyper-emotional, needy little -- what's the word I'm looking for here? Uh...human. It runs in the family. I can tolerate it, but I can't give a crap about it. Take a hike. Take care of yourself, Unity.

You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

lfyou love him, you should leave. And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad! Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car!

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

you're no better than the men whose farts shall remain unspoken. And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute. Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft so they may head back to theirweird planet, where women are kind of equal but not really. Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls.

Grandpa, we need to go home, now,

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains.

JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her? Well, if it's any consolation, Summer, none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid. Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV,

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching.

Kill Pencilvester. Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

JERRY: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk.

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, But these gears just started turnin'. LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry?

The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other. Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting. RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card.

He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus.

Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey!

A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space. Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space.

MAN: My man!

Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death!

J, I can't be the same thing to you now J, J, I'm just gone J,

Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank.

You know what? l-l-l accept your call to adventure, good sir, kind sir. Come on, Rick. There's a giant in the clouds! Yeah. Beginner's luck. MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives.

It's okay. We're not gonna hurt you. My name is Marty, This is my grandpa. - We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl.

Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,

Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now.

We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors. Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah!

I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone.

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?

Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes...

I mean, I'm trimming the hedges, and these things are just hanging there. Was I supposed to think the poop bunny left them? Good one, Dad. Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello?

and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice.

That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

- Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken.

Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine!

I don't get it.

Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers,

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty,

Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar?

How do you know about that? It's top secret.

Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern. And listen. Yes?

Hey, Rick. I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out? Whatever. Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad.

Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination.

You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time.

As we can all see, this is hardly the real Garrrh and Zharbidar. Which is good, because the relationship in their heads is not only ugly, it's unsustainable.

Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus.

I'm gonna kick your ass!

They're robots! Aah!

- What's your problem? - What's yours?

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size,

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you.

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this?

J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god!

I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us,

Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this!

Rick!

It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

That's planning for failure, Marty,

l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks.

Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all.

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them.

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

l have to admit,

Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it?

A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

Oh, shit.

Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in,

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!

Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick.

But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

Disqualified! Disqualified!

Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying?

but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn. Finally. I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline. I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born.

If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator.

They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

Uh, anything else.

Wha?

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.

That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,

l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her!

they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right? ALL: Never.

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry.

I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing. MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air!

That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.

So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing?

Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter?

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,

The E-Arth relationships are simpler.

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god!

RICK: I'm almost there, Marty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god!

Such an asshole.

It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty,

No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy! Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad,

Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!

it’s polite, " right, and " Sneezy, Deezy Mc... Deluxe. l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad!

Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.

He'll be fine. Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you?

Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down,

We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!

I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun.

I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up,

Revenge. What?!

which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains...

Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,

But now it's my turn. We're going to get it nice and steamy in there, and I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint, and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean. Beth! Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now.

It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA.

It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now.

Oh, shit, motherfucker!

standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird. It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Marty,

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob.

Yeah. Uh-oh.

I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions.

But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Welcome back to "Funny Songs."

When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car?

We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race! Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will --

Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child!

This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what. Oh, my God.

Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

- Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one.

For god's sake, Nathan,

In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you,

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream.

He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

He's saying "I love Obama." So cute!

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

Oh, Rick, I -- I shouldn't. Come on. It's not every day that I'm town. It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet?

Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here? Okay, Jerry. Let's head home. I can't leave now. Everyone hates me. Unfortunately, there's no surgical procedure that can fix that.

You're being very aggressive, Jerry.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

A whole world populated by intelligent dogs.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!

- Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

Coming through. What are you here for? Just kidding. I don't care.

That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more.

I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought. MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty? Oh, man, what's going on?

Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis.

You know what? Screw it! I have a better gamble for you guys. I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you,

When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty.

You know, parents are just kids having kids. One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son. I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see.

"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you!

Answer me!

Too fast. SUMMER:

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk.

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

A whole world populated by intelligent dogs.

What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and --

Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well? Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it, Rick!

I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea, in the first place,

There is something I wish to teach you.

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government,

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit.

What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa!

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes.

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse.

Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to. Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

Oh shit.

W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday!

Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

There, every being is a letter ofthe alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up,

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch!

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,.,

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything.

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen.

We got a plumbus.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay?

if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud,

Jesus.

Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

the next minute, bam! Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under -- Uh, what? It was your job, Marty, - Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer. I got to back the "M" bomb on this one. I remember the conversation. We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer!

The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. We will give you passage back home so it can be terminated. But first, mojitos. We don't have time for mojitos. - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer!

We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion.

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters -- those facts are who you are.

and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other. Apparently, they've got some real creative differences.

Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right?

Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

Get back! Wait, for real? You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around! How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch!

Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles?

55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people! Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo!

Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right? Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice.

Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart.

- We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is. Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50? Where am l?

ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty, don't -- don't -- don't be like that. The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place. You're the one that's crazy and chaotic!

Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday. MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future.

Shut up and listen to me!

we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

The plot thickens.

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!

Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage. JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened?

Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...

Wow ! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty, You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop, You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick.

Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone. Jerry, stop, please, okay? We weren't even supposed to be down here. Ifwe confront him about this -- Oh, my god! I love this. I love that this is how far you will go for him. You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a Lifetime original above a fucking alien dungeon!

So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got...

I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why -- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him.

Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai!

It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough.

you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th, Deal. All right. W-well, come on, let's get going. Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. Washing dishes? No. The opposite. Can you fix it?

Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought...

- What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.

Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science.

I am here if you need to talk.

But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad!

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter.

Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What?

it’s polite, " right, and " Sneezy, Deezy Mc... Deluxe. l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell?

Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree,

J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy."

lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it?

Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch!

Should've been our wake-up call. But the rich plutonians won't wake up, and they love your Dad telling everyone Pluto's a planet because that means they can keep mining until Pluto goes from planet to asteroid to meteor, and finally...

"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story, to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it. Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black.

You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school. Owl, Oof! Ugh! Damn it! I'm all right. I'm okay. All right, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is?

J, Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo J, Boy, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Marty, A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare!

Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency. It's, like, I'm trying to eat a Flimflam -- like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk. The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only,

Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!! What the hell happened back there?!

in a world where muscular Mannies are coming, and they're coming strong, there's only three unmuscular Michaels. Get down. Hurry. Run. And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it.

J, How could I say goodbye? J, J, How could I say goodbye? J,

J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job.

Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa! J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah '

Yeah, guess I'm out of fluid. L-Let me find a place to stop. Hey, muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet, or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why?

Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that?

Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.

what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather. Out of my way. Okay. lf sanity's been restored to this assembly, I'd like to talk about the cast of repairing our new organ.

When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.

What are apples? Apples are food. And...when do we need food? When we're hungry. With that, I give you your new slogan! Well, say something! Do you like it?

Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President!

I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis. Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here?

JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. There already is no more bacon!

y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher.

It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry.

SU M M ER: Wow. We are so screwed. Rick, wake up, Huh? What? Wait? What? Stop. Rick, you got to do something quick. My parents are home. Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good.

I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby!

Bye. Later.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here?

We -- you're a real true hero out in the field.

Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917. Cool! Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep.

Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

Get your shit together.

We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

Here's yours! Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice. Pardon, Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension?

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself. This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she's a marine biologist. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise.

Oh, my god,

I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me!

You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

lt's... G-Good job. Good job.

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick!

It's a good show!

Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting!

Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either.

because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

Please just let this work out.

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie! Rick and Summer of Earth, for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards. COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137, the council apologizes for its false accusation, and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake,

and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad?

What in the hell?

"Purge! Don't purge!"

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta!

That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out!

An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe.

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, It's still raining up here J,

I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh.

Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax.

Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

you know, penis between my legs.

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty.

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five.

Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time. Yes. I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, Iike...an Appley or something. Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns?

f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell?

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.

Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh?

Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.

They blew up,

AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown! I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy?

Advertising? Wow!

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy!

I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick!

Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what?

It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right.

There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline.

- l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this?

We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris!

I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works.

I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop!

Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife.

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land.

Our village is saved! You are both true heroes! Oh!

- Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell!

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave. That is a hatch. Your father put a hatch in my garage. You don't know it was him. Anyway, we're not supposed to be in here. Obviously, neither is whatever's gurgling down there.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty,

Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist.

Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.

You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're --

J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right!

Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time --

Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally. Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!

Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not.

Brad! Stupid! Rick!

Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo!

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!! All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob.

You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man!

Here's another quick mystery.

Grassss tastes bad-ah.

I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out.

I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8...

Let me show you how it works.

I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything,

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh...

Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now, Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all.

f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted?

Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

It's time for the quiz.

Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble.

Was I one ofthose guys? The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards, Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,,

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

Hey, you don't know me!

Which is good, because the relationship in their heads is not only ugly, it's unsustainable. You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different, none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work.

Summer, I've always loved you!

So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...?

Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I?

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

Hmm. Human music.

You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse.

- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry.

Disqualified.

Whoa! What the hell?!

No! Not twigs!

Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! Dad, I'm so confused!

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch!

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

Get your family out of here! I got this.

You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture.

He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend.

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!

Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Holy crap, Marty, you're right.

but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel. Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop,

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery!

Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick!

Yes.

Homework is stupid.

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look!

What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot!

Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice. So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big,

Mm. Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure? That's right, Mrs. Smith. Give in to your anger. Neglect that deer. Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of of elk, moose, deer, and stag.

God damn it, Morty.

Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon."

You don't know me.

l'm Octopus Man! l'm Octopus Man! I'm a marine biologist who was bitten by an octopus. And now I'm -- I help people. I save people.

"Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes. Oh, my Gad,

Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

I assume planet Squanch -- 6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch!

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding.

Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little --

Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty?

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed!

MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"!

Hey! Don't! Please! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god! Now, I know I've said, in the past, that math is important -- And it is! -- But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty, who I hear had a great party last night.

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world

Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty,

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem.

I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick.

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that?

My man!

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train?

J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, J, Damn right, and I'll do it again, 'cause I am nice so I gots to win J, J, Break bread with the enemy J, J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with, l'll break who you -- J,

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why? That poor girl. W-We have to save her.

Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it, God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure.

- Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay --

Come on, spit it out!

I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn. Finally. I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline. I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born. That came out wrong, That came out very wrong, Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me.

There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally.

I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry. I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life,

Run!

- Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me.

is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts.

Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, "

Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback!

You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste,

But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty, who I hear had a great party last night. So, class dismissed. You've got the day off! All right! Good work, Mr. Goldenfold! Yeah, get outside. Read a book.

What the hell are you doing?! Put it down!

fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue.

Oh, no. What the --

Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I? So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I?

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.

Head north.

That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.

Here. You can have this back. You didn't use it? Sure I did -- to develop this. lt detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone," Ray Bradbury, "Friday the 13th" The Series voodoo crap magic.

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty,

It's a good-a show!

Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.

Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons...

That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom!

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty,

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent!

Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh...

Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J,

Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you.

Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit!

And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,

I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay? We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty,

You eat our food and make gadgets.

Burger time!

Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away.

"Last Will and Testi-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House // " Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts? Oh, hey, Morty. You just missed a preview for your Dad's "Citizen Kane." Doesn't matter. Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys chose?

Great. Nice work, Morty.

That's where my seeds are. lfwe would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them,

This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now. Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

I always could count on you.

Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter? Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention. To a conversation about vampires?! Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires, because I wasn't paying attention, which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role,

Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time?

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

T-The whole house is sitting in another dimension! l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs."

That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty, Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty, That way you can, you know -- y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing,

Totally gonna get laid tonight.

I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick? H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth!

Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver.

Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th,

no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy? Not a bad trade for spider peace. All right, that's it, Move out!

I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said,

Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?"

Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame. My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.

Revenge.

Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right?

Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.

Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son. Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.

My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is.

Come on, Morty.

Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?

Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty, You're not Marty,

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

That's my new word for shit because of today's events.

Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker! Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty,

What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair.

J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,

Not a bad trade for spider peace. All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it,

- JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell?

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on!

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka!

Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours.

Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go.

It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.

Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

- Is that the vegan place? - Yeah, I love their soup,

Aah! Huh?

I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.

but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up,

There you are, Marty,

So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein!

two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Gar Ma Nar Nar, three, um, um, um... i ll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year,

Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?

Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait.

Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe.

No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something.

And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity.

Slow down! My man!

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

Time to go home. Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me! l-l never intended to harm you, I swear. I am trying to end the festival. W-W-What do you mean?

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland. Shut up. Here, put these on.

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun,

Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle,

and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots, Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up,

This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere,

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

I guess I remember that.

Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one.

Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland. Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent.

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty,

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty!

"Cape Fear"! "Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear." SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers!

Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power.

Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

Buckle up!

Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

Oh, he -- he's looking a lot better. RICK: Listen, Beth, don't torture yourself. I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale. ls, um, is he mad at me? He's not pressing charges.

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!

We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow!

What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty,

that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.

They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff. Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh,

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

but your eyes are so beautiful.

Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty?

What the -- aah! Aah! Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J,

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal?

Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better.

Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter? Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention. To a conversation about vampires?! Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires, because I wasn't paying attention, which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role, Am I a victim, Beth,

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

Let's get it overwith.

Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.

It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat?

l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place. Here we go.

which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role, Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist.

Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine.

Jessica.

It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one. Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad,

Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!

SUMMER:

Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool!

Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me.

Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

I know everything about everything?

Hey, Marty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger? How do you feel about all these people that are getting killed today because of your choices? I did the right thing, Rick! Tell that to Gearhead's gearsticles. You did that! Wrong! I'd be playing "Roy" right now. At a certain point, my hands are tied, Marty, I can't believe Rick did this.

Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!

You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart.

Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?!

This is where we're going? Nope. This is.

Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.

There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated!

Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus. Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think.

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up?

to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it. Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black. Title -- 'three weeks earlier."'

Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos.

J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else?

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Outside? Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.

making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains... if you impose Gazorpazorp's laws on Earth, you're no better than the men whose farts shall remain unspoken. And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?

You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now!

You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car?

You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop. Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill.

How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery.

They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca. I'd like that.

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends.

It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!

Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why?

I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? I prefer my own penis, and so should you! The brave Earth man whose sacrifice is going to allow Shrimply Pibbles to live --

I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't.

Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.

Samantha, I need to know that you understand that l have a couple of eyeholes.

This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.

Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that.

we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide!

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

...five -- Sir?

These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream.

All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends.

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Uhhh...

Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here.

It's okay. We're not gonna hurt you. My name is Marty, This is my grandpa. - We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified...

l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable. Which I also wouldn't do! I'm just saying, it's bad craftsmanship.

You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah! Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts!

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!

I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh!

Fuck no.

And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126? Uh, I'm not sure. Marty, Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket. - What?! - Way to go, Marty, Eh, whatever. - Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer!

And what do you do then? its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "

After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him. Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no!

keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target. Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music.

l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it,

you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time,

And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth.

Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J,

One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

We got, uh, a -- crushed red party cups, 15 1/2 brapples. Welcome back to "Funny Songs." It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience. Um, longtime fan ofthe show. Uh -- What do you do? What's your profession?

What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again!

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

- Um... - Well, now you know. You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de-do.

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt"., Plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop,

Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah!

Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty --

Whoa! Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

What the fuck is going on?

1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics.

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you.

J, Goes away in the end J, J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops,

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry.

f chuckles f Here's our first person. Oh. Oh, my god, How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right!

Jan Michael Vincents are used up. I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent. Is it important that we know who Jan Michael Vincent was,,, - In order to get this? - Nope. I refuse to send the legislation that allows more than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct.

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them.

Run!

What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power.

Marty! Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty,

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.

Get them! Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

He might have it chained up so that it doesn't eat the planet! Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs. He's probably racing to cure its space AIDS. - He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it! BOTH: Shut up!

You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me --

We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them.

Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant.

Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!

Fuck 'em.

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, It's still raining up here J,

Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight.

I don't know -- predictable? When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. Give me a break.

I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn?

Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery.

This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker.

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.

Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!

I'm sorry, Rick.

Red alert!

Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me. You know, parents are just kids having kids. One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son.

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this?

FEMALE UNITY: Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes. i 'm not strong enough to do it in persons. DELI VERY GU Y? i realize now that i 'm attracted to you for the same reason i can't be with you. You can't change. BEGGAR: And I have no problem with that, but it clearly means i have a problem with myself, N EWS PAP E R VE N DO R: /'m sure there's no perfect version of me.

The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game.

I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around! How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch! I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that!

Eggnog? Now we are talking!

It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

Um -- Wow, Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer. I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that?

Um, Rick!

You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad! Uh, hold the phone. Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle.

Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer. I'm scared, Rick. Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons, like that show "Doomsday Preppers." Not really my style, Marty,

Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.

Give us one second.

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom.

look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty?

www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years.

They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,

Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful.

What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid.

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over.

Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky!

Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive?

Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy. Our pleasure.

LINCOLER: Please, stop!

Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.

Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation!

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

He'll be fine. Let's go.

It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Zing! That guy got it.

I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything. Yeah. But I feel like one ofthe 64 Ricks, like, sacrificed himself for me?

with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.

What the hell?! I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right? MORTY: Jerryboreel?

Ooh, nice!

Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks.

So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run."

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me.

It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' --

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.

Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?! Drop the gun.

Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh!

Oh, he might have said to take it outside. RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god, Well, I did my job. Summer did herjob. Now all Marty has to do is finish listening to that tale. BLANE: Maybe I don't need a new friend.

Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale?

science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.

I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four,

Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?

Not my fault this is happening.

Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away!

What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board.

Are you joking me?

and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty.

Quite an operation you got going here, Une.

- MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good.

I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.

Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then--

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J,

My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!

Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins! Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks.

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

l’m running real quick,

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.

Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death.

Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when yourworld is one. Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker.

Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real. Marty! Summer! It's me! lt's Rick! Regular Rick!

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure,

[just learned a real valuable lesson. l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief.

SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?!

The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads!

The configuration of veins,

Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them.

Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah!

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

RICK:

Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,

Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened?

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it,

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey.

It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there.

He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low?

It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb.

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

It's a good-a show!

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,

Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"?

J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you?

Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god!

- Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad!

You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry. Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick.

- So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

What in the hell? Sex sells, Marty, Sex sells what?

Washing dishes?

It is un-unsinkable. Ooh!

Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!

undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

Stop asking!

Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry.

my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs,

Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

How's business?

You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.

I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling.

Does -- d-does that scan?

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!

So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know,

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.

because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty. I don't care about Jessica!

Oh, geez.

No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Just do it already.

Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything.

One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son. I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see. Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way.

That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white,

SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what?

But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy!

But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here.

I hate video games! You take that back!

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!

From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing --

You stay put, Jerry. I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch? Jerry, I believe that, if you hide by yourself, you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together?

Did you get any ofthat?

He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you?

Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay.

Bird dick.

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty --

Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient."

Me, too.

You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this.

J, Goodbye, moon men J,

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest.

J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down? Well, it's bath,

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?!

- Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time.

Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me.

A violent antique show.

It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman. J, Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo J,

What the hell happened back there?! This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large?

Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.

Pass the butter. Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose?

But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm --

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works.

Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity. lt absorbed the minds of our people. We didn't notice until it was too late.

I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks.

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa! J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe.

I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land. Too fast. SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody!

and then y-y-you help 'em? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together. Dude, are you -- w-- you're being a dick, right? Oh, gosh, l-l hope not. l-l-l-l-l-l wouldn't want to offend you in any way. You're really a Rick?

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America, welcome to our Ad Agency. I'm Jerry Smith. All right. I'll just...get to the pitch. Um, simple question, gentlemen, what are apples? Excuse me. Ahh,

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together.

Oh, dear god, no.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries!

We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you.

No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine.

l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty,

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math?

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?

Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!

You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica.

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...

We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there,

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!

Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.

Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben. This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria,

I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch!

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway.

Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty,

Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um...

Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha!

I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this.

Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.

Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this?

Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.

Oh shit! The other collar!

My man!

How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right!

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead.

Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, great adventure, buddy.

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,

Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.

Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns? Yes.

Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

Marty, crack the window.

reportedly at large somewhere within the gear system. Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it.

I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps. All right, okay, y-you know, ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know? Look down there. Looks like some kind of tavern or something built right into the side ofthe step.

I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids.

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now?

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific?

I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! - Out. - Whatcha doin'? Well, I can't solve the problem my way, thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups. Gross. I might havejust touched one of Morty's loads. But maybe I can find suitable parents for Marty Jr, on this robot's home world, which is...

Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right.

Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J, Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!

We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and l have here in my hand a motion to dismiss.

Is he going to die? Don't worry.

The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here.

no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son!

Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No!

The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond."

What's your problem? They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads.

Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?!

J, Look on down from the bridge J,

Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves,

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth.

BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to?

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry.

Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay.

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me.

Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now, calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right?

why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well?

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica.

Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J,

Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!

Why are you looking at me?

He's unavailable. He's... having sex with you. We get it. Grass, Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh.

They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am --

No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk.

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!

Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer? Droppin' loads. ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins!

Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal.

L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica.

It's just Rick and Marty --

Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go. Well, terrific. Dad, what's going on? What's the deal here? I just wanted to spend some time with my daughter. You're growing up so fast. You used to be my little girl. Yeah. Remember when we used to go to the playground, and I'd push you on the swings?

You're doing great. I know how to crawl in a tube. Come on. Oh, This is harder than it looks. Whoa! - Marco? - Polo! Marco? Come find me. Marco? You guys are enjoying this? Don't you feel a little patronized?

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something?

Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him.

You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time!

You animals! Animals! Ooh, look who's little journey's come to an end. Take him to Pluto-namo Bay. You can't kill the truth, father. What? I can see you're confused. Pluto-namo Bay is a military prison --

Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop -- Marty! Have you met Gearhead?

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car. On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go.

Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? I prefer my own penis, and so should you!

The shoes have to be turned on! BETH: I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret? I told you -- l was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.

It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not?

You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty?

Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads!

You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty!

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude!

but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover, Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her?

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you.

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela?

There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry.

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.

Shh! I hear something.

Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy.

Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect. I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke!

Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch!

Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know?

Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too.

There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now.

What's that? Who's that baby?

JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?! PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising.

I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me. Oh! Or don't. Hey! Don't! Please! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god! Now, I know I've said, in the past,

Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

He's getting married!

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

Ohh, I don't doubt it,

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing.

Marty!

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty, That's how we're gonna scam these idiots, So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick, if you're so much smarter than them? It's an obsession for them at this point.

Marty, you have to help me! Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! l-l-ls that why you're doing this, you don't want me and Rick to be happy? No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know?

Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap!

giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers.

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,

Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean. Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this,

I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on. All right, I'm bored.

J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

l-l-lt's very difficult. Oh! Uh, well, is there an aux input? We tried that, but there's two different colors. But there's two different colors.

And, most importantly, we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves.

including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain.

It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four." Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something.

A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show.

Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that.

The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god.

the fuel for accelerated space travel.

Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

You know what? Screw it! I have a better gamble for you guys. I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys.

l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around.

l outrank you.

Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast.

"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

I'm gonna find some fuel and take a big, fat Marty, That's my new word for shit because of today's events. Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart.

I like what you got! Good job!

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah!

I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap?

Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention,

Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops,

She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty.

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Ooh, am i feeling good,

Rick, you got to do something quick. My parents are home. Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good.

You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn.

that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity. But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny.

You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me,

This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times.

mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty, who I hear had a great party last night. So, class dismissed. You've got the day off! All right! Good work, Mr. Goldenfold! Yeah, get outside. Read a book. Put on some sunscreen, Danielle!

You really dropped the ball, man. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown.

you know, in exchange for food.

J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J,

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating!

Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots?

I'm going inside. I guess this is what rock bottom feels like, Jerry. Ow! It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time.

Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week.

No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

Hello, Summer. Hello, Marty, It's okay. You're safe now. Unity? - Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.

Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How?

See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head. J, Let me out J, J, What you see is not the same person as me J, J, My life's a lie J, J, I'm not who you're looking at J, J, Let me out, set me free J, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J,

I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty,

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

I like this name -- Fart.

Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry. Yeah, yeah. I got it. That's okay. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Try again and keep your head down.

A movie about a guy eating shit.

No, you're the worst! You don't support this family!

GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise -- It's never pretty. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other. As we can all see,

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter.

Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!

You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra,

Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon." He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly?

Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

How you feel?! Why is everything always happening to you?! Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.

it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "

From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community. May my chores complete me as I complete them.

Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown! I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly.

You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite.

Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J,

He recognizes the other dogs on TV, J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!

Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man. I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

Beth's automatically on board always with every decision I make.

J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion.

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles!

Alexand--

REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many.

15 1/2 brapples. Welcome back to "Funny Songs." It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience. Um, longtime fan ofthe show. Uh -- What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music.

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car.

Next time I party, I'm just gonna focus on getting totally wrecked.

All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb.

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this?

This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack?

I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,

Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you.

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Don't be a hero, kid.

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing?

His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony.

This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply.

What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves!

Yes. Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?"

Race war!

Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now! Grandpa Rick, I like working here. You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes! So what if he's the devil, Rick? At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.

But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are.

What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

I know everything about everything? Did you really talk me out of the abortion?

Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad. You're a genius at that. Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son. Thank you.

This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent!

That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.

After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice.

J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns!

You got to get those seeds out of your ass. Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. What? I'm an angry father, not an improvisor. Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers?

And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card. She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient?

Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty,

I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired.

Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick.

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

'Cause I said so!

Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Marty, Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty -- one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty,

And, most importantly, we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya.

Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high!

Keep your eye on Annie.

Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong,

It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.

I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay?

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody.

this animal can't be transferred until the current attending physician verbally confirms their inability to provide adequate care. You heard the man, horse doctor. You have to say you couldn't hack it, We did it! Uh-huh. No, mother -- no. Earth, dude.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!

Hey, uh, come here. l-l want to show you something. Okay, look, everybody makes fun of me for getting these, but you're a genius scientist. What do youthink? See? There's little R2-D2s where the George Washingtons should be. You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value.

So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life!

I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty! The shoes have to be turned on!

Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little?

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right?

If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot?

Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry.

So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse. So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere.

JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?! Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life.

Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com.

After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Good bye. Yeah! We did it! Yes!

lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character. Please don't. Oh, Well, when did this stop being Jamba Juice? I've just recently opened for business,

I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer,

SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

Wubby lubby doob doob!

You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --

Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez!

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.

You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp,

Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system."

I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is...

I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,

Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap! Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison?

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!

Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat?

I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing.

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was --

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?!

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires.

Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system -- I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick.

Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers!

I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,

- What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.

Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you. l'm counting to three, Jerry.

Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey!

You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez.

You thought about getting an abortion? Everyone thinks about it, Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it, so you're welcome. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, thank you guys so much. It's a real treat to be raised by parents that forced themselves to be together instead of being happy. Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? Mmm!

You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

so be nice. Unity,

Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,

Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes. Yeah!

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly. In the meantime, please, stay on the ship and enjoy a complimentary plate of James Cameronion rings. Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken.

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No!

Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!

Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

E, Coli outbreak. Hurry!

All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what?

Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card. She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,,

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name.

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine.

Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?

Would you like to RSVP or send a gift? No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.

Not on my watch.

Oh! Good work, Morty.

"Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car. On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand.

Open fire! Aah!

What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy.

lt's S-S-S-Summer!

Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. Whoa! What is this on the floor? Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea -- bad pitch -- let's put your Dad here. Let's put your Dad in a nursing home. We're losing him. Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps!

I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.

"Jerry, get a job!

Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!

They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way.

Marty? Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40. Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student.

You're saying I should leave Jerry. I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation. More wine? I think I've had enough.

I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart. I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.

They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used.

All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird.

Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?

They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time.

who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God!

Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black. Title -- 'three weeks earlier."' You really don't want to talk to me about this.

Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick! Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic!

All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!

This trip has been a "Titanic" failure. Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you.

Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are.

...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet! I'm an idiot, and I love my son.

These guys -- They want to completely remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart. And we just need you to sign off on it. What?! Uh-Oh. Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes. His penis will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic. Now, there's a wide range of options to choose tram, They're all in this catalogue.

Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich.

"Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty,

- Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.

We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Aah!

Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice.

Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?! Drop the gun. You don't understand! This guy was gonna kill someone! I guess that makes two of us, Aah! What are you doing, Marty? This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory, but Grandpa and government don't get along. ALIEN: He saved my life. - What? - Huh?! Whoa!

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital.

What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this.

The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming,

l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything.

J, Goodbye, moon men J, All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly.

You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you.

Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy. Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV,

Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.

we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts.

That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here?

Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something.

Run! Marty, do it! Hit the button now!

Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice.

Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it!

RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding?

Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What?

- What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines?

You, not me! You! - Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah!

Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?

Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.

a hit song,

I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!? Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry! Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll go home. What the hell is he talking about?!

Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?! PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising.

I'm not looking forjudgment, just a yes or no -- can you assimilate a giraffe? You're the worst! No, you're the worst! You don't support this family! All you care about is yourself! You think supporting the family is about supporting you emotionally... you've got two children being dragged across the cosmos ...because it's never enough, Jerry! ...by your dangerously ill father! And you force me to watch it happen... ...because you'd rather lose them and lose me...

Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am. Marty,

l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son. Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world,

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha!

You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy -- - They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?

It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,

Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick!

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.

Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea -- bad pitch -- let's put your Dad here. Let's put your Dad in a nursing home. We're losing him. Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps! There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay.

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you.

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through.

Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about. Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family.

Rick! Yeah, yeah. Hey, have a good festival, old timer. I intend to. Rick, unlock it! Just a second, Marty, Oh, look at that sunset. Stop screwing around. There we go. Much better. Now we can see. Great.

PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there,

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up,

Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is. Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break Mom's heart. And I won't forgive you for that. Where's the van, Marty? It's over the horizon in the driveway.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead!

They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca.

Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little.

l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

your family, your leaders, but they're not themselves anymore. They're part of...it. Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck.

PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating?

Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah! Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?

Uh, anything else. What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.

Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more. J, The worlds can be one together J,

You lied! You lied about the charge!

Wow, Hat trick. All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!

It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her!

it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it!

At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way -- Already lost interest. Get in the car. I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared,

Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse.

Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up.

Thank me. Thank you, Jerry.

What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you,

All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no. What the -- No!

a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other.

Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What?

Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait.

Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school.

You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep.

Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson.

q-quickly?

Fuck you!

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore.

Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week!

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together.

Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry? It's just a bunch of dumb tabloid crap.

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God!

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school.

Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster. Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship.

This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.

Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out.

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening?

Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad. You're a genius at that. Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter.

Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man.

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,

And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.

Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job.

Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes.

and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone?

And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole!

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart!

l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants!

Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

Don't be gross, Tammy.

lt's gratuitous at this point.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,

I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

Paid for by Michael Denny and The Denny Singers.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks!

It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it?

Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud.

did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient."

Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in,

Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on,

I refuse to send the legislation that allows more than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct. This Jan- Uary, " time to Michael down your Vincents. "Jan Quadrant Vincent 76. "

Well, l was thinking, you know, w-w-- could you make some sort of chemical thing happen inside of Jessica's mind, you know, so where she falls in love with me and all that sort ofthing? You know, like, some sort of love potion or something? Marty, that's such a poor use of my time. lt's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.

They're part of...it. Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it, ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity?

We're giving in -- to the power of the one true Marty, One day, he will return. TOGETH ER: Praise the one true Marty, Ugh. All right, Mortys, listen up, My name is Marty Smith, from Earth dimension C-137. I know you're scared, because /'m scared.

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage.

Did he just say "Musical Reality Show"? Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all. Help! We should go get him.

Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened.

Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.

I should call Bob Saget.

Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree? That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Marty, Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez!

ln here. Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it.

I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty?

How sophisticated.

but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here --

Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty.

God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky?

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly.

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one ofthree meals that have existed for millennia. Losing him. Stabilized.

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Forget about the park, doctor! How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy? Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged.

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica.

MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy -- - They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir. There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians,

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat. No! No!

Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four."

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?!

Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous! I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds,

Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery.

Scalpel. Scalpel. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Scalpel. - Nano-Scalpel.

Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!

Well, son, what did youthink when you were five and you pooped your pants, and you threw your poopy undies out your bedroom window because you thought it was like throwing something in the garbage?

Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Annie. ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick. ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.

Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside,

so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good.

She's aced every test in potato class,

Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec.

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh...

Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

We're Jerrys. I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed. Marty, take the wheel! Whoa! Whoa! Geez! Damn it, Morty!

J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

My god. Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved if we replace his heart with your human penis. I see. Wait, what? It's perfect.

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean.

Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at?

Uh, sir? There's not a problem. What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it! I'm trying!

You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs.

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

I'm scared, Rick. Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons, like that show "Doomsday Preppers." Not really my style, Marty, Besides, your home is most likely swarming with Ricks by now. All right, listen, Jerry. lf Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location. You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade?

- Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither.

Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am.

J, These memories that we cherish J, J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right.

Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you! J, These memories that we have J,

He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?

What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.

The body is decaying. The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train?

I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun.

When we're hungry. With that, I give you your new slogan! Well, say something! Do you like it? Yes. You do? ALL: Yes. So...| sold it? I sold the idea?

All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, But these gears just started turnin'.

This is harder than it looks.

with weapons made from t-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers,

Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right.

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96.

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones,

Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on!

Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor.

Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!

Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up,

Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold!

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass!

Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down.

and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored...

we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship --

this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.

Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.

little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!

Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it, Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego? Well, you'd have to be pretty petty. But you'd still be the woman I married.

This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them.

I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

but this is real science. A man and his boy, making planets. Hey, how about we use a ping-pong ball for Pluto? And then Jupiter -- Uh, actually, I don't think Pluto's a planet. Of course Pluto's a planet, son, I learned that in the third grade. Well, yeah, but you know they changed it. Marty, nobody changed the planets.

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah!

I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum.

plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.

I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on. - Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved. No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it, - Yeah, I did.

We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith.

That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!

Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen.

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.

Birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet -- Opening myself up to others. SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker! Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful.

Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same.

Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't.

This is gonna be fun. Hey, Marty, let me -- let me -- let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius." Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.

Bye. Later.

Yeah, baby! Aaaah! Grandpa Rick, where are we going? Well, obviously, Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar? Ticketmaster.

Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother.

God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty,

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before.

Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?

I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain.

He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do?

You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then --

And the final ingredient...

None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice. Hey, Marty, there's our Jerry. Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick. Glad you're safe, Jerry. What do you say we go home? I'd like that. Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126?

Come on. It's not every day that I'm town. It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet?

All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes!

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream,

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Marty?

Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer?

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!

You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time!

they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith.

Marty! Summer! It's me! lt's Rick! Regular Rick! Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head!

Hi, honey, so, here's the thing -- These guys -- They want to completely remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart.

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation.

l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck!

so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah!

Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing?

...between one guy who can't get a break... There's something about you, Mrs. Sullivan. ...and nine cats who break all the rules. "Last Will and Testi-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House // " Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts?

Call me, Taddi Mason.

can you assimilate a giraffe?

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

Aah! Scalpel.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty --

than live another minute with you!

Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my cahapes.

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?

You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. Aw, crap.

You know, you're not being very supportive of Birdperson on his big day. Birdperson's big day, Marty, was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon against the Gromflamites! This? This is a losing battle.

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude!

i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.

RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him.

People like Rick are making me obsolete. I mean, seriously. I may be "the devil," but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell, where everyone thinks I'm smart and funny. No! It's not fair. Everyone in this town got something they wanted from you -- even Rick.

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim!

Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around,

Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?!

What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased!

Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No!

Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around.

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out. Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on! Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go.

but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right?

Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening. Well, well, well.

It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?

Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. Oh, goody. From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species. One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god.

What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty,

It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John,

Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one. Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad, and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing.

Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know?

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you.

Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS!

- Nothing. - Nothing! Oh, uh, one ofthe lunch ladies died. They found her in the gym with, like, two holes in her neck and all the blood drained out of her. Good lord! Who does something like that? Obviously a vampire. W-W-Where's the pepper? Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now,

Mister, um, Goldenfold. You know my name? That's disarming. I also know you long for female company. You know, it has been lonely since the divorce. Some voids can't be filled with Jamba Juice. This aftershave makes a man quite irresistible to women.

Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage.

Gentlemen, gentlemen! One at a time! Simon?

No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real.

Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me!

You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding. But that's the opposite of what-- Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything? Hey, you know what? You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know?

It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,

and let's get this dumb universe rolling.

Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman!

Ohhhhh!

Uh... okay, J, What have I become J, J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J,

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap.

No, I'm okay. Whoa!

It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...

Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad! MORTY: Drive carefully! Have fun, you two. Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please.

Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone!

Okay, well, which is it?

Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he?

Too fast. SUMMER:

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run...

Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo!

one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know?

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?!

P RI N C I PAL: Principal Vagina here -- Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover,

Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

I'm Jerry Smith.

Well, ifthe old adage is true,

Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Can I show these to you? Wow.

I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink?

Ow! I got to tell you, this morning,

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.

I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick!

Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race!

...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard.

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast.

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach.

See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern. And listen. Yes? I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life?

As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez. That's odd. This deer's wounded. Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun.

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Not on my watch.

You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

Ugh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Ugh! Oh, Rick. That was so bad. What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species,

I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

Oh, god, gross and weird!

I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um -- you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know?

- Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow.

"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick.

Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him.

What is going on? Aah!

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.

Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right. All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium...

Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth.

and Davin's there alone. Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin. Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J,

it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer.

Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back!

Yeah, uh, my name is Ron Benson. I'm an electrical engineer, father of two, and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings, I'm a member of this planet's top race! Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper.

Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.

What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?!

Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold, or is itjust me? I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. I am here if you need to talk. - What is this place? - Paradise.

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.

Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council.

Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker!

They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!

You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty,

Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty,

Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else.

Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait.

Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa. I love you, too, Terry. Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.

You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room? Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?

Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty,

This guy's trying to get out of giving away his penis!

Suck my huge dick!

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God!

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed.

Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter.

Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby!

See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns.

Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is.

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, There's still fountains down there J,

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it!

Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah!

We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,

They changed it in 2006,

Rick. Portal. Hurry.

Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb!

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

We assume you are from a more primitive world, where men are still permitted to be servants. If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. He's my slave. He's my slave. He's definitely my slave. Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

J, I'm just gone J, J, How could I say goodbye? J,

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer.

Aah! Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.

It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids?

Rick and Summer of Earth, for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Good. Okay. Great.

you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

JERRY: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk. Jerry, get a job. Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry? You're the man ofthe house, and you don't have a job. Delivery for Rick.

Marty, take the wheel!

It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes. Oh, my Gad,

Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick.

Boo! Not cool!

And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school.

Yeah, now, because the gym coach was a vampire, the school board is embarrassed and won't take it public. However, they can't have students killin' teachers. I gotta expel you for this one, TR. I'm sorry. I just got expelled, Summer! Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young. My top! Screw your top!

J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't!

I got this.

Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh... We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours!

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be?

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?

but hey, I'm walkin' here!

Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation. More wine? I think I've had enough.

You could play guitar. You could masturbate.

Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.

1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But --

lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay.

Okay, then. That was always allowed.

Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No!

Birdperson's big day, Marty, was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon against the Gromflamites! This? This is a losing battle. Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married!

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir? - Holy hell. - Sir!

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire.

Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.

You miss your Fart friend, huh?

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!

Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?

- What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker!

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty,

Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop -- Marty! Have you met Gearhead?

- I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass.

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe.

Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch?

Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable.

What is my purpose?

Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please,

Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue. Really? You're looking real good. Oh, my god. - Hey, Marty, - Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica. So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...? No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school. Cool.

Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones. Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my cahapes.

Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51. People! Everyone! Remain calm! Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith. When God deals you an 11, you don't fold!

My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair.

Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space. Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space.

He died.

Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty!

We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

They have been blowin' me up,

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

J, I will make you hurt J, Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Yeah, Tammy! But then I think, you know, in a lot ofways, l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth. In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded.

Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children!

I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart. I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty,

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca.

Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough. Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch!

Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

It's a good-a show!

Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J,

and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption. Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy?

Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited. The Pluto-bel prize is the highest honor a scientist can receive. I'm flattered and humbled.

Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend!

Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school.

Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J,

Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?!

It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.

You don't know me!

lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.

I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs?

Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right?

Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!

What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going...

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad!

I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet.

She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to --

Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan.

What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out,

I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?

Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly.

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker!

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa!

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up. - Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people?

Are you kidding me?! Come on!

Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Oh, shit.

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry.

I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers -- Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke! Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a --

Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J,

called a Mega tree,

Yep. Oh, my god!

We got a bag of bobbish.

How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Squanch this, mo-Fo.

Ooh. Ohh.

You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

Get off of me, Morty!

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad! MORTY: Drive carefully! Have fun, you two. Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic. Speaking of disasters, Dad, we are leaving you in charge. I know, c-can we wrap this up? Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.

Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now. Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race!

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

I would love to see it,

No pun intended.

- Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,

I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank. What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes.

This aftershave made women want me,

I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything.

Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically.

Show me what you got!

They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future!

This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back -- back w-w-w-when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps. Oh, boy, Morty. Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick.

I need food.

Did you get any of that?

We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, "

It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!

W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington.

Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music,"

I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right.

No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Yeah. Totally. Let's go.

I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play.

Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

W-w-w-where we running ta? Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.

iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on! Aah! Get off!

we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome. J, Look on down from the bridge J,

Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever.

I got pregnant at 17. I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't... I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth.

This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty --

Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit.

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round?

- What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit.

grounded story about their shitty marriage. JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20?

Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!

Who is he?

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon.

I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time? Tiny Rick, this conversation is gonna break my heart wide open. You're a great student and the fact that you're an 80-Year-Old man in a clone body, it never bothered me. But this here is another matter. You recognize this?

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die!

What?!

so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life? We only want Sanchez, si'r. Your family Will be fine. Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know? I mean, who knows what -- what if somebody breaks something?

Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson! J, Girl, you got it going on J,

Birdperson!! No!!

Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right.

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer!

Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing!

l'm Octopus Man!

but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh?

LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry?

"We."

Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet.

Summer?!

And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me.

H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone.

Leaving a partial length of severed urethra - To be threaded through -- Oh, you know what, I gotta -- I gotta laugh at myself here. I'm having a little laugh at myself because I just realized I haven't run this whole decision past my wife. Oh, Do you think she'll be okay with this? Oh, absolutely. Beth's automatically on board always with every decision I make.

I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be.

Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers.

What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me?

I'm Scary Terry.

Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go!

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh!

I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.

Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!

Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us!

There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually. undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak.

Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day!

Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh...

- Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither.

Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away. Why not? I don't know. lt's Indian giving. A sophisticated predator, nature 's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill,

Suit yourself.

no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet -- Opening myself up to others. SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers!

We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline. All right, Rick, look -- how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me?

- They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir.

Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most. Males... ...they get to play outside.

Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,

Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick.

Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting!

Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay. Hey, we agreed. Never in the house. That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh?

I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was?

J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

As we can all see, this is hardly the real Garrrh and Zharbidar. Which is good, because the relationship in their heads is not only ugly, it's unsustainable. You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different,

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky? Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things.

Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away.

and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them.

- Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up,

My slave?

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro! I can't believe she's here.

Jessica?

Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware.

You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick.

You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy.

Marty, Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J,

we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!! Hey. Uh...

what do you think? You're fired.

This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.

He'll be fine. Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Aah! Red alert! Ohhhhh!

It's how things should be. It's how they could be.

You little turd.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa!

Fuck 'em. Fuck those people.

All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families.

But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know.

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise.

We should resume sinking shortly.

Disqualified.

No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?

Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.

She's a woman. He's a man. The city burns in the background as he takes her in his arms. Fade out. Title -- 'The End'... question mark." Wow, Yeah? lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it? Of course I did. You didn't laugh at the scene in the bar. l...thought it was funny, but I wanted to hear the rest.

Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future!

That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.

Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Problem solved.

Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road!

Genius happens in the moment, Morty.

l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Marty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay! What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside! You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?!

Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty.

J, Do you feel it? J,

Birdperson's big day, Marty, was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon against the Gromflamites!

But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!

Yay, you win. Where the hell am I going? Wh-- What are you asking me for, Jerry? I'm sitting here trying to figure out why the cops don't just take you out. I mean they got a clear shot to your head. I can't believe our tax dollars pay for this.

What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

- We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is. Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50?

Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?

to run your car?

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak,

Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me.

Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

- Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!

you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith.

What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work.

These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home.

I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em. RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty, I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let'sjust find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Marty, Proceed to the liver.

Rick Sanchez! You psycho bag of squanch!

It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself,

You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10,9...

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children.

Tuberculosis -- coming in fast!

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp.

- Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that?

Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?!

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down.

to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl. Gee, thanks, Brad. I throw balls far. You want good words? Date a languager. JERRY: Try not to worry about it, Marty, You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. You're missing the point, Dad.

Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.

He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.

Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right!

Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck,

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.

Yeah. All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now!

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you.

Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

Wait. What? Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine. And if not, like you say, no more adventures or whatever. It's like that old song "Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop." Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody?

No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.

Scalpel. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Scalpel. - Nano-Scalpel. Okay. We're ready.

J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty.

Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else. Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick. Now's not a good time. Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go!

She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty,

What the fuck did you do, Summer?!

That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth.

All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.

I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah!

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread.

Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.

ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking. Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally -- we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new --

Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite!

Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine.

I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty.

Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person!

Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back!

Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast. [ trifling f All right, l’m not gonna get him. [just learned a real valuable lesson. l’m coming, Babylegs,

Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?

That out there? That's my grave. Wait, what? On one of our adventures.., Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place.

They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay! What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got. JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America, welcome to our Ad Agency. I'm Jerry Smith.

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

- We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is. Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50? Where am l? Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital.

Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place.

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.

Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah.

Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh ! That's beautiful. You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great!

A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves. We killed a vampire anda gym teacher. Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick?

Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy?

Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here.

And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk?

TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards.

J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

We're so screwed!

I'm flattered and humbled. Oh, I like that. Use that in your speech. Also, talk about Pluto being a planet. People like that. Your highness, we've captured Scroopy Noopers. You animals! Animals! Ooh, look who's little journey's come to an end.

That was just a baby. And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who?

JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

it’s a 45-horsepower with antiiock brakes, and " the official car of "Mr, Sneezy 3D. " it’s the brand-new Sneezy XL. The horn, when you honk it, makes a sneeze noise. it’s polite, " right,

I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad. Can he have visitors? He'd like to be alone. He told me to tell you he's sorry you didn't have bad memories of him? lfyou love him, you should leave.

Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.!

But then I think, you know, in a lot ofways, l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth.

But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine! Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about.

A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry?

The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me.

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J, Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham.

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

What the fuck is so valuable about you?

Hey, Marty, could you lick my-,

Battle stations!

MORTY:

It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me --

You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!

f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous.

What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah! Come on out, Jerry! Guys, l'll choke up. I'll follow through. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay? Oh, we're well past that, Jerry.

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise.

i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town.

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral.

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them.

See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Wait for us! There's only room for one more.

Aah! Unh!

Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about. Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,

Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,

No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Yeah. Totally. Let's go. You will walk when it is time to walk.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8...

You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.

You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Here's my computer.

My -- my -- my -- my man!

Since when do you have a job? Since last week.

GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry.

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa,

You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry.

it’s "Saturday Night Live, "

Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly?

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!

and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing. All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean?

Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

Cool. The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Take a deep breath. I love you. l'm counting to three, Jerry.

Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about,

And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front.

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

What's your problem? They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else.

W-what the hell is he talking about? They're free to go, is what I meant. l-l-l'm deconstructing our -- our -- our thing we say. For giants. Nobody got that? Whatever. Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working.

Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson.

Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life.

do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey.

We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

We did it! What do you know? He was right! Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second! Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa!

119/11s,

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me! l-l never intended to harm you, I swear. I am trying to end the festival. W-W-What do you mean? l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival. Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her!

A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going?

Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men!

You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out.

Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space. " l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now?

MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say -- you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good,

Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man.

it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick.

I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry,

And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out.

Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why? Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?!

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder.

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee!

Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue. Really? You're looking real good. Oh, my god. - Hey, Marty, - Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica. So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...? No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

Summer is doing really well here. She's aced every test in potato class,

So good luck with your shitty marriage,

I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing.

Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?

It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.

I'm a fraud.

Um...wait -- Did we have some sort of relationship with him? I think they're just like that? I think they're just good guys. Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!? Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry! Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll go home. What the hell is he talking about?!

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you? Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh,

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves.

What's that? Who's that baby?

sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel. Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop, What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.

Now I'm hooked.

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuffthem down and --

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move. Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding.

I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,

No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.

ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch.

Grandpa, go home and drink. Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age.

Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.

That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp-- I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!

Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap.

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please!

Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty,

You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.

Open fire! Aah! Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?

RICK: Huh. He's making himselfa sandwich now. Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room, where he is currently fighting for his life. My god. Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved if we replace his heart with your human penis. I see. Wait, what? It's perfect.

That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out. Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on!

NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty!

Well, Jerry I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but -- Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work.

- or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick.

Hmm?

You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other.

So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures?

Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come.

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!

Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

Oh! Rick!

Back the fuck up! Aah!

I like that.

Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?

Okay. 60 for the resonator,

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.

it’s "Saturday Night Live, " starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Gar Ma Nar Nar, three, um, um, um... i ll get back to that one,

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character,

Hmm. Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it!

J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J,

once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.

MORTY: I don't know, Rick.

How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it!

ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty,

I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys. Come on, man.

Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature because I think l have Jan Quadrant Vincent fever over here.

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move.

Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right.

RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck.

- Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J, J, I want it real J, J, Run away with me now J, J, I want it real J,

RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.

Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already.

Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop.

ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty,

We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them. Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe.

In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun.

Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring.

We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up!

Out of the simulation, Morty.

Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty,

l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories.

but the key is, it has to be our daughter, not this person she's become. We'll take our chances raising her without fancy new jobs, outside of a potato-based religion. And you know what? l-l'm sick of pretending that we're together because of the kids in the first place. I married you because you're the love of my life.

Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself. That's how friends are. Or does he want her to himself? J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke!

Cynthia. . .

Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this.

Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right?

Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey!

Stupid! Rick!

You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn.

It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah! The nipple hole.

Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me. Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll,

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What? For real?

Motherfucker!

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty.

But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four." Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry.

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

No, you won't.

My lust!

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian.

Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what?

Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

What do you desire? Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items?

But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes. Would you relax, Marty?

Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf.

Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts,

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah!

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!! What the hell happened back there?! This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid.

Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit?

ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this.

Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal? Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop.

Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

J, What have I become J, J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J,

Get in the goddamn ship!!

Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space. " l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space.

They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage.

undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Aw, man, geez! Seriously?

the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room? Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?

Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body.

l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah.

Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles.

ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems.

This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing?

S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

You don't know me!

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.

l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance!

To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool.

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J, J, It doesn't match your face J, J, Get them away, away from this place J,

Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go! Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually.

Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry.

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave. That is a hatch. Your father put a hatch in my garage. You don't know it was him. Anyway, we're not supposed to be in here. Obviously, neither is whatever's gurgling down there.

W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind.

Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.

What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath.

God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do!

Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes.

You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing?

Wubba lubba dub dubs!

But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,

This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,

Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty,

I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat.

MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown!

Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids!

Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.

Is that what I think it is? Yes, every couple gets to re-create Jack's drowning at the end ofthe movie. It's so romantic. I can't wait to do that with Beth. I don't know, Jerry. With all due respect... it seems like your wife may not be that interested. Look! Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed.

W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today.

Help me, please! You can help me!

I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty,

You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him! No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh!

but I live in it, Shit!

Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop --

Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective. Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast. [ trifling f All right, l’m not gonna get him. [just learned a real valuable lesson.

Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first.

Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why? Sundown is when the festival begins. The festival? Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, Living in perfect peace. Oh, I know what this is!

My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing!

You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket. Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way.

I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan!

Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before.

ALL: Ice-T?! That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play.

I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it!

Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs.

Oh, crap.

I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today!

L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us!

Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though,

Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here.

l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay.

Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917. Cool! Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep.

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.

Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel.

Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.

but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land.

Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know. Do it! Do it! Remove my penis! Sir, put the gun down and step away from Mr. Pibbles! - Jerry! - Dad, what are you doing?! I'm a good person. I'm a good person.

iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on!

All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

gonna get a divorce? I think it's okay to dream, Marty, I'm gonna go make some wooden stakes.

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country,

Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J, J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J,

I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man.

Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it.

Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work,

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah!

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers.

No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son!

Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married! I mean, what do you think's gonna happen if you open yourself up a little bit? I mean, look around. This is your family and friends all around you, you know? Take the day off. There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight. That's his last name. Are you hyphenating it? Squanch this, mo-Fo.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

No, you were shot like 50 times.

J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,

Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys.

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move.

1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you --

Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything.

He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man.

This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices? Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is.

Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ. Beta Seven, if my allies are a problem for you, perhaps our alliance is, as well. Our alliance is beneficial. When Beta Seven expresses concern, it -- it's only be-because -- RICK: Oh, snap! Powdered neutronium? Amphetetron?

I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp,

ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap.

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites.

Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!

Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse.

Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.

Let's do this thing. All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty,

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.

I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame!

I like it, Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!

Roy?

Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.

Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men!

Come on.

My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

Jerry, I'd love tojust kick back with a margarita and read.

I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone. No, no, no, no. Rotary. And pay phone on half.

That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little. Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks. You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick.

Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern. And listen. Yes? I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life?

BOTH: Nice. So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett,

but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside?

Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick. Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Hey, Tiny Rick's playing guitar. All right, everybody. This next one's coming straight from the heart. Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head. J, Let me out J, J, What you see is not the same person as me J, J, My life's a lie J,

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.

For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.

You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?!

Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery.

walking around.

No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.

Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah! Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now, calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah!

Oh shit. Oh shit.

Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!

Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets,

and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry.

Opium addict.

Peace among worlds, Rick.

Come on, Morty. Let's hit it, MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know?

Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god. Where did you learn to talk, you grandpa-stealing slut?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that!

W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.

Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know?

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

Aaah! Holy shit. What happened?

MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say -- you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck.

but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name.

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up.

What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why --

Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...

Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

Look. This shit is delicious.

Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it,

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes.

l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers!

Oh, my god, Oh, my god, lwish this desk was lighter. I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't --

M-my drink is empty.

Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

So, we'll be detaching your sexual organ at the base by making incisions here, here, and here.

J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J, J, And everything is one in the beauty J, J, And now we say goodbye J,

I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved?

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!

A lot of people don't get that. Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.

Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not.

Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth?

SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right.

Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.

Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty?

Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.

Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick. ln here.

Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Do it! Do it! Remove my penis!

MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination!

All right, there's six of us, And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester!

Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it. That's my note, you know? Please write more. - Seems a little insincere. - What? No, You don't have to mollycoddle me. I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing.

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right.

Lucy, wow.

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay. You two call yourselves geniuses, but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you.

Lost a little control. Probably shouldn't be piloting a hovercopter, nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals and 12 million deep fryers, but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk.

Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever.

She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah!

I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J,

which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.

Mein journey is over, Marty,

- Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy! Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete,

J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged.

www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!

You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery.

He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still.

- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool.

Compliments of the Galactic Federation. I feel better.

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe.

Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,

What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy!

Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Aah! What?

Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet! I'm an idiot, and I love my son. It was a long six hours, but we've overhauled "Needful Things" into the globally-compliant web 4.0 "E-nomenon," n33dful.Com,

Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up!

Boo, boo! Marty sucks!

Hold on to something.

NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt".,

Good luck.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

[processing, powering up f

It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.

but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible.

But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha?

What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god,

Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick --

- Am I me? - Am I talking right now?

You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"?

That's very funny!

Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

You're scaring me.

I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying. The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss?

And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her.

Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it.

Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.

You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under--

Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name?

I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster.

Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me. We're playing Yahtzee. Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. It's a fun game for fun families. Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second? it’s a 45-horsepower with antiiock brakes,

J, Let me out, set me free J, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J, J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J,

Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium.

What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

I got news for you.

J, I love Marty J,

It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now!

More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry.

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Oh, man, Rick!

I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am.

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah!

Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man! Oh! Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

Sh-sh-shut up.

The young eat the old if you let them, Jerry. Pluto is a cold, cold celestial dwarf. It's a what? Huh? Oh, planet. "Pluto is a cold, cold planet." That's what I meant. Knock them dead out there, you.

You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over.

This guy right here -- super-weird.

Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.

I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy?

They could save the marriage of a dog and a bar of dark chocolate. They could save the marriage of a porn star and a porn star. Well, I know /'m ready to try whatever it takes. Which clearly implies that I'm not. It's not a competition, Beth. on is that how you're gonna try to win, by implying /'m competitive? lfthe shoe fits. My shoe fits up your ass. You wish! RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday!

W-where's my wife?!

All right. There's six of us, and that's it,

Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind.

And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

Hey, I'm squanching in here!

Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou!

No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!

You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.

What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell?

J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,

Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Oh, my god! Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk? Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut? Uh, l'm...not sure. Exactly. Show me what you got!

Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh.

Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose?

Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

Boo!

and don't even -- All right, I'm bored. Change it, Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name. Here's another slogan right below that one. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it,

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing.

Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.

We're not on any time line, dummy.

Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Hmm. Human music. I like it, Rick!

It's a good-a show!

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

I mean, I'm not doing much of anything. What do I do if it cries? Then you put it down and let it cry itself out. Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer, and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L"

I'm not looking forjudgment, just a yes or no -- can you assimilate a giraffe?

Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. No!

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die.

Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ.

He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch.

f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, " ANNC)UNCER: More "Personal Space " next Tuesday at 8:00. Up next, the heat is turning up with Samantha and the Boys on "The Northsiders. " f speaking alien language f

Okay, hold on just a second, Morty. Ooh.

Marty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers.

Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage.

lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas.

Unh!

Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?!

You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great.

iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on! Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go!

Holy --

J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working!

Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison? Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is --

Oh, my god, You have eight eye ho-- holes.

My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want.

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him?

A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat.

Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know.

J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa! J, Ohh, it feels good J,

If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

you're gonna need to harness your repressed rage. I don't have any! Spoken like a person with repressed rage.

Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me.

at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld.

Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them.

Holy shit.

What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!

Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page.

Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move!

Puh! This late?

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die.

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh,

He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret? I told you -- l was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son. Everything cool in here, Beth? It's fine, Davin. Okay, cool. You know, we did something great today.

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that!

You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa!

What a life.

Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days. What is my purpose? Pass the butter.

Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty.

This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?

Show me what you got. I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty, Uh, where? The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.

Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay?

Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!

f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry.

Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep.

And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't!

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary.

Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me?

J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with, l'll break who you -- J, And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front. Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!

that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures? No. I'd say, given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity.

Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body!

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay?

Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in yourway? Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits!

So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick, if you're so much smarter than them? It's an obsession for them at this point. The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead ofthem. Aha! Here we go. Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips.

I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me.

I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation.

That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense.

Not sure.

Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

Oh, my god, Oh, god,

Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl!

So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet. Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.

Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty.

Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you.

You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.

- Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself.

Happy to help... Rose.

Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass.

Thank you, Seattle.

Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Hey!

I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon.

Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this?

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now,

In reality, you're as dumb as they come.

J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J, Ooh! Ooh! OW!

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick!

Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us,

Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?

and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished.

I love you, too, Terry.

I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge. Here we go. Holy crap! Come on, Morty. Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned.

Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy -- - They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir. There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians, all the famous ones... they're gone. Dear god. Hold on, sir. Just a minute. lce-T survived. He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours.

Yeah, baby!

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically.

Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh.

Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please?

and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely --

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts,

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?

All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends.

And I'm lucky to have you, and I never tell you that! You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family. Please don't do this! Please don't do this! - Summer! - Summer, listen carefully. I stole a paper clip, and I have it in my cheek, but I don't know what to do with it, and it hurts. You're going to be okay. You will come back as babies. I am a baby! I'm a baby now!

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship.

I haven't learned a thing!

I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J, Ooh! Ooh!

They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

Whoo, baby! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Wish I could say the same.

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.

Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves!

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting!

We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

6, 10, what's the difference?

and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die? Don't worry.

- Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

Aah!

RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys.

What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to. Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet!

I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go.

I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off, how would they find their butt person again? I don't know, Summer. I can't even hear the TV, All right, that's it, We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day. Ooh, family vacation!

If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are.

Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy.

so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top,

Here, look at my eyeholes.

You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?

O h, my god!

J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

Oh! Rick! Marty!

l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy?

"go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty,

And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it.

A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems.

And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice. Pardon, Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension? Sure! Let's go to the ascension. Wh-wh-what is it? We hereby send these unwantables skyward that they might be inhaled by the many Heads,

Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death!

Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me. You know, parents are just kids having kids.

Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

And now we ’re back to "How Did / Get Here?" the only show that makes you askyourself, "How did / get here?"

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah.

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business.

There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

We've got six hours to come up with a song! Genius happens in the moment, Morty.

Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from?

Hold your fire! What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government, Thanks to the skilled diplomacy ofthis mysterious space car, from this day forward, human and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them,

Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years? Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub!

- I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying. - Summer! - Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there! Why do you hate me, Summer? I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet,

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible!

Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything?

Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule! Nobody? Okay, tough church.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected.

Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over. Whoa, Dad, you can't, like, endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away. Why not? I don't know. lt's Indian giving.

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!

We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,

You're fired. Wha--

- Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty?

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer.

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

Something's gonna come through. I can feel it. I'm going inside. I guess this is what rock bottom feels like, Jerry. Ow! It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people.

Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?!

Morty...

On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance!

RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!

Suck my dick! P It feels good '

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help.

Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them!

These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty! Okay, well, sometimes,

MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say --

Class dismissed. Geez.

Aah! Don't think about it!

If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch, so i never know what's going on. Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know, Are we sure we wanna look at our own alternate lives? You're right. Maybe we should just play Yahtzee. Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness.

W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now.

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

I never go back to the carpet store.

Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What?

Sure I did -- to develop this. lt detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone," Ray Bradbury, "Friday the 13th" The Series voodoo crap magic. I thought you might want it so you didn't accidentally sell anybody, say-, A typewriter that generates best-selling murder mysteries and then makes the murders happen in real life? Ooh. Be quiet.

You pass butter. Oh, my god,

Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun. Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,

You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

- Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being, I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality.

MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick?

Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first. I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes.

Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it,

Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top.

Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him.

Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

Yeah, bra, Yeah.

Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.

I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them.

RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, ..

Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math.

Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby!

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10!

That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together.

Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!"

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?

Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you?

Ohh! He's asking if Tiny Rick will be here. Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob!

Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help.

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

And, by the way, our TV signals take light years to reach his planet. Nobody tell him that "Braveheart" wins. [music plays f Greetings, This is Birdperson. And Tammy! Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh! If you 're from Earth, that means we’re getting married! Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson! What the hell is a Birdperson?

I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease.

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse?

J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J, J, It's a small, small intestine J, It goes on like this for miles.

Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy --

Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry. This aftershave made women want me,

Did you get any ofthat?

Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty?

Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick --

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?

Thank you, Fido.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow!

and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker! Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something.

Move it up, actually, if you can,

Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back,

Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!

Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap.

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way.

on fake do-o-o-o-rsi Hey, wait a minute, Rick. I thought this was a commercial. What's going on? Relax, Marty, Don't -- don't worry about it, Let's just see where this goes.

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty,

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

Okay, it was about 754 years ago-, Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed!

I guess he got what he deserved.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer. She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey. Shut up, Jerry.

Grandpa, go home and drink.

Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all.

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America!

Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on.

He's just a huge asshole.

ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick. ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.

making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works?

Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!

l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose,

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah.

J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing. Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What?

Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me?

Did you get any ofthat?

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.

I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

which makes this my garage, my secret hatch, my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez? Okay, you're just making stuff up now, Ugh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Ugh! Oh, Rick. That was so bad.

Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat.

What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down.

Whoa! Look at you!

you don't want me and Rick to be happy? No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.

No, I'm talking about -- Yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you get to the dolphin people, you gone too far. All right, man, I'll talkto you later. Okay. You know what they do to third-dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever. Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life?

No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work? Somebody dropped the dime on us. Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say,

Ohhhhh!

Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys.

Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures? No. I'd say, given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity.

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.

Regular pancakes are fine.

Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty, I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let'sjust find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Marty, Proceed to the liver.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple!

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker! Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful.

Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from? My -- my -- my grandpa Rick sent me! Poncho! That's quite enough. Marty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here?

Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart.

And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

in other opposite news, information. . . Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side ofthe screen like that? I don't know, Marty, See what else is on, huh? Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. " i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.

Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke! Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite.

Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.

JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired. Wha--

Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty!

Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.

Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

Oh, oh, oh, really?

Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist!

I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do!

Poncho, you son of a bitch!

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

I don't know, do something with turquoise.

I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom?

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside.

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

Fine. Sheesh.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

It's a good show!

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

sometimes science is about conviction.

It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there.

So what?

Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on.

Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!

You're the man ofthe house, and you don't have a job. Delivery for Rick. Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry. Gross. What is that thing? It's a courier flap. It's like the intergalactic version of UPS, but less off-putting. Oh, shiiit! It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson. Must be time for his annual Oscar party.

- Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name.

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

- Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen.

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.

Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you?

What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck.

Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks.

Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's.

Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council.

I can craft stuff, too, pal!

Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head!

Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor.

I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.

Oh, my god, Oh, that was so, so funny. Thank you. You're welcome. Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit, - Smith family? - Yes?

- What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey!

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa.

Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane.

Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!

I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp,

Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic. Speaking of disasters, Dad, we are leaving you in charge. I know, c-can we wrap this up? Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage. Hey, don't blow me off. I am drawing a line, okay? Any damage to this house or these children when we get back, and...

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m--

Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet,

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules!

Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

"Fuck You."

like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down.

I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't! What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life, you got to stop listening to yourself. Wow, You really are wise, Jerry. l-l-l guess that's why you work in advertising.

It's how things should be.

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage.

Top, My top!

That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say.

Remove my penis!

Bomb! Bomb!

And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there.

Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J, J, lt's schwifty time today J, Hmm. Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job!

Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?

Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!

The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes.

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah!

Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited. The Pluto-bel prize is the highest honor a scientist can receive.

Jessica.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time.

You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet,

an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs?

- No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too. Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today? None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey?

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

Look at this baby!

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible?

I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh!

You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it? I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart.

Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty. I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together.

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!!

- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker!

Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from? My -- my -- my grandpa Rick sent me! Poncho! That's quite enough.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say.

Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son.

I'm gonna miss you, Snowball. You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.

Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith!

I'd rather not, actually.

FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me!

Yeah. Talk to me.

Dad, why does our house have blast shields?

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.

lt's Rick! Regular Rick! Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"?

W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving.

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What? For real? TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled.

More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!

Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick,

But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm --

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um -- you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know? Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean...

What kind of business do you do in a garage? You know, this seems a little shady. Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty? Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady.

Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill Wow, you sure found this guy quick, Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective. Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick,

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator.

J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

Like talking to a brick wall.

Oh, I get it, Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back. Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables. What are you talking about? All this time, you've been thinking, "what ifthat loser, Jerry, hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" - Um... - Well, now you know. You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de-do.

I love you so much. Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here. No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human!

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives,

Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5,

Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay? We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them. Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies.

keep this marriage going a while longer? At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way -- Already lost interest. Get in the car. I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other.

My -- my -- my -- my man!

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!

So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah.

They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone.

Pirates of the Pancreas?

Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know?

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world,

ALL: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oof! Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers.

You son of a bitch! Eat this!

Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.

Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty,

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty?

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that!

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

- Get out. - Um, what?

Good. Okay. Great.

Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Neglect that deer. Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of of elk, moose, deer, and stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends.

Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

Summer!

Certainly. I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.

It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is.

Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats, but you get -- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put them in agonizing pain, that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like,

List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.

We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

I know your game, Beta Seven. I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in-the-wings shoulder to cry on! You are classified as a hostile entity. Oh, you're just loving this, mother-- this isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal.

Roy?

l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick.

They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty! The shoes have to be turned on! BETH: I am not putting my father in a home!

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.

Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me.

MAN: It's a good show.

...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it.

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak-ass time again. How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there,

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast!

Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps. All right, okay, y-you know, ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know? Look down there.

Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite!

I am here if you need to talk.

We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath.

naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles.

Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow.

I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Wow, What do you know? Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg. Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty,

I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh!

J, And everything is one in the beauty J, J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah! Marty, why? Why?

www.rickandmortyadventures.

The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid. Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair, so you can make an army of your badass self?

I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch.

Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable.

I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J,

Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed. Forget about the park, doctor!

We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show.

You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver. l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.

57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying?

So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it?

It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you. So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge? l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool.

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

Okay, good.

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you.

What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh...

What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat.

This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah!

Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

His subconscious is panicking.

Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben. This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria,

Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us,

What about this? Babylegs, you’re a good detective. But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs. Hey, there. Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill

So I've heard. Just fix it. I don't think the Gromflamites can track us now, but it looks like we're gonna be here for a while. Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it?

So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad.

I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited.

J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man.

All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty,

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's --

A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,

Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse,

No, no, no, no. Black people.

I hate being a teenager!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J,

Earth's on in six hours. Like we're not already under enough pressure?! - Whoa! Whoa! - Yeah! Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy. Rick, lce-T, could you guys take it less easy?! We've got six hours to come up with a song! Genius happens in the moment, Morty. Well, can we at least go get our family? You know, so we can take them wis-- With u-- with us if we lose?

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.

Would you relax, Marty? There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair.

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real!

Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies.

It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel. I actually got that on another planet. So it is an alien towel to me. - Good luck. - Thanks.

I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't... I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth. Well, herwaistline isn't.

You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.

And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life. GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret.

MORTY: I think you're getting what you wanted, Summer. Something's happening to Unity.

Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing?

Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer? This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy.

Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

It's never pretty. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other. As we can all see, this is hardly the real Garrrh and Zharbidar.

How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckers at the dance! Tiny Rick! Marty, you have to help me! Summer, he's happy! I'm happy!

Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

J, Are you afraid of me now? J,

"Feels Good."

This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?!

Ooh, watch out for that stuff.

Ow!

God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years.

You can't throw a party! Rememberwhat mom said? Yeah, if anything gets messed up, you and Grandpa Rick get punished.

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

- Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.

Drop the gun. You don't understand!

Hi l’m a trunkperson, and i want -- i feel love in my heart, too, fast like you. i wanna be able to express that love with both a man and a woman. And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.

Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together. Get back! Wait, for real?

Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high! Out of my way. The tint setting is always too high.

Sex is sacred!

Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]

Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing.

Oh, geez.

Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick?

God, I feel terrible. Yep, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the Universe can be.

RICK: Unity! Unity! Unity! How can I assist you? I want to talk to Unity, Beta Seven. I know it's in there. You're classified as a hostile entity, and Unity doesn't want to talk to you. I know your game, Beta Seven. I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in-the-wings shoulder to cry on!

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse.

Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with. J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song!

We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us,

Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!

Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt.

I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me?

You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot?

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut? What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah! Come on out, Jerry!

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around.

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert! Ohhhhh!

Hold onl

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah!

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!

Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me?

We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.

Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty!

SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.

Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

and then you'll be trapped there, winning the same fight for eternity. I can take out the "eternity" and the padding, and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens. Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby. How's business? Here's the last of our inventory. We're going to file chapter ll and do some restructuring.

but also dancing.

You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home.

- He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it! BOTH: Shut up! Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week.

That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.

Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place.

and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases? Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics.

To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes. Oh, my Gad,

Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are. l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page.

M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.

That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,

Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.

You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!

Okay, things are getting out of hand.

but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell,

No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be 100% honesty and open,

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em. Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone. No, no, no, no. Rotary. And pay phone on half. That'll keep 'em busy for a while.

- Hey, Marty, - Oh, oh, hey, Dad. Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me. Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again.

Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick.

I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty?

Annnd during that time,

Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick. Now's not a good time. Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Oh, real nice. Real nice.

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother.

You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.

Show me what you got! Uh...

J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man!

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa."

My gear-turnings as ofyet in the curious case of these unidentified humanoid fugitives, reportedly at large somewhere within the gear system. Son of a,,,

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary.

- You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

What about... Pirates of the Pancreas?

My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!

You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

It's our son with Albert Ein-douche.

You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun?

I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off.

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous.

I'm an alcoholic.

l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples.

Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here.

Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you, but there is still time. I am yours until my death. ALL: Aww! Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson!

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.

Don’t even hesitate, don't even worry,

Ohhhh, snap!

You son of a bitch!

You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th-- but that's not how it went down! Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.

and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean. Beth! Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now.

...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!

Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah!

My god, the man's a genius.

like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family?

What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing?

I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird. It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Marty, Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins.

He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here.

It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!

Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real.

I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"!

J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody.

And in this one, we were dead. So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse. So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run."

Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay!

Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak,

It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.

Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why?

This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty,

Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!

Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.

- Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me,

l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.

I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

Okay. We're ready. Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

You listen to me, you son of a bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors. Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!

Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen.

See that?

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off,

H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No!

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

I remember the first time I saw her.

Duck, duck, birdie?

The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.

Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy! Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant...

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.? Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel. I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, but beyond that... I know you can do it, son. I think it's time I get a place of my own,

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty!

You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

Hold on.

Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples.

Hold your fire!

Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world

Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life.

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.

Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that.

You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters.

Rick!

A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real?

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people! Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo!

You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired. Wha-- But t-this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation. Well, then, it was a terrible simulation. Get out. Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty,

The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go.

You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly.

I got this.

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon.

I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all. What's that? Who's that baby?

l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place.

Hey -- hey, brother. Hey, bra, Nice racket you got going on here. Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant.

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Wha?

Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon." He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.

W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people! Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo! D-don't dodge the issue, Rick!

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer.

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties.

Neglect that deer. Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of of elk, moose, deer, and stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends.

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No!

I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you,

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.

No, you need to let me talk! Shut up! Hold it! Don't move! Stay back! This watch turns people into snakes! Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery.

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon.

He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah!

Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit.

Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

"Morning"?

Kill him!

and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest.

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty!

O h, my god!

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever.

Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

you might start enjoying yourself. Whoa! Look at you! You're wearing the hat and everything! Here's yours! Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice.

It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.

Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick!

Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.

J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J, J, Goes away in the end J,

FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army,

H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?! PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising. You would?

J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole.

What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!

I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat.

l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.

Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store?

GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you,

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical?

Come here.

J, Everybody seems so far away from me J,

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously?

i don't give a fuck.

and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread.

Whoa! Summer?!

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.

Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail?

You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine.

That's slavery. It's society.

Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father.

possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty.

You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer.

What the fuck is going on?

But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Where did he get a gun? Who gave him a gun? That's not a gun. That's the XP-20 XS, Ah! Oh, my god, I'm a good person.

Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd!

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah!

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk!

After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile.

Silence!

Even dumber than regular planning. Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up!

You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free. You're saying I should leave Jerry. I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation.

Uh, yeah, just masturbating!

God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

I'm your new teacher for Scary class. My name is Scary Mr. Johnson. Uh, actually, you know what? That's my dad's name, so why don't you just call me Scary Glenn, yeah? So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on Fundamentals of Fear. Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say --

You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop. Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill. Whoa!

Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick. We'll have two Bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels?

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing.

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela?

Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.

You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!

A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator.

Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no.

This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.

and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time.

to the purely pornographic.

I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today.

Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free. You're saying I should leave Jerry.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

Ooh, well, for millennia,

I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,

Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History.

I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple!

Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist,

Pluto is... ...not a planet.

Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me!

Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word?

I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby.

Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing!

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie!

BOTH: Tiny Rick! Okay, but if not tonight, when? I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea, in the first place, and, now, you're trying to rush it along. Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you?

Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond.

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead.

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny!

"Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason.

J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J,

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue.

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro! I can't believe she's here. Well, what are you doing standing here, Marty? Go, Talk to her.

Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was Kitt. Nobody rode Michael Knight.

Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle. Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones?

Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs?

Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!

- Master. - Speak. Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was?

There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.

Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast.

Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around.

What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me!

Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years.

Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty,

Aaah! Holy shit.

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.

The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories.

It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move.

Aah!

J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J, Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Are you kidding me?!

Nice!

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

You're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon. So...? Well, don't different animals... require different levels of skill to keep alive? undefined Oh, god, Get the deer in the car, Jerry. Yes, Beth.

Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance? I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. Ohh! No, Morty Jr.!

Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J,

Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

but it's time to relax.

All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com.

However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "Space AIDS" as you put it. And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's,

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy?

Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Sh-- Obviously --

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer. Oh, my god, Toby Matthews is asking... if my parents are still out of town and if we can have a party! All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you?

FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed

That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204.

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs,

I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me!

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here.

I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, Iike...an Appley or something. Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns? Yes. Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap!

and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.

lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

has fast become the 6, 048th planet to ]oin the Galactic Federation. The plucky little ball of water and d/rt, which is where it gets its name, is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos.

Oh, here we go!

Ohhhhh! Hey! Ohhhhhh.

Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

ALL: Ice-T?! That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it!

Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5,

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas,

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty,

W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha!

What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40. Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting.

Rise above. Focus on science.

No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.

- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.

Disqualified. There's one every season.

Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space,

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah. Uh-oh. Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints.

so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never!

Too fast.

You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty,

I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain!

One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy.

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks!

but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not.

Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3.

The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it,

You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party?

You want to slow dance?

Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song,

Yeah. Totally. Let's go. You will walk when it is time to walk. What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah.

J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay. You two call yourselves geniuses, but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree.

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please!

I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why? Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?! Everybody, in here! Hey, Gonorrhea!

God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure.

l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy, and then y-y-you help 'em? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together.

But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives.

Was I supposed to think the poop bunny left them?

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son. Now, wait. Th-there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared 40 years of each other, mind, body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door,

and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being, I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top,

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest.

I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What?

Marty?

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three.

What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school. Owl, Oof! Ugh!

The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen.

Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today? None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice.

Did you get any of that?

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold, or is itjust me? I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp.

they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions.

Holy shit!

Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it.

and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

What do you know?

No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing.

I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded!

Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed!

He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps. All right, okay, y-you know, ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know?

we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves. We killed a vampire anda gym teacher.

Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!!

We assume you are from a more primitive world, where men are still permitted to be servants. If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. He's my slave. He's my slave. He's definitely my slave. Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.?

you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep.

Oh, shit, dawg.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here!

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer. I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?

but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.

Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack? Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof. Eh, unless she has the flu.

No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.

Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.

PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising.

Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'.

I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians!

Oh, Jesus.

nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals and 12 million deep fryers, but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Well, that's retarded.

Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky?

Whoa! Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time. Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long? I don't know. How long do you guys want? A week? A month?

f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own,

I love it. Marty Smith. l'm Scroopy Noopers. I'm a scientist. Can I show you something? Uh, I better not. Right now. The center of Pluto, Mr. Smith, is made of a substance called "plutonium." mines like these suck plutonium up to the cities,

Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty? Oh, man, what's going on? Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Marty,

I'm busy.

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee!

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on.

J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him,

This isn't "Game of Thrones."

And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience?

Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty!

Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey!

Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol --

Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

Ow!

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move!

What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp-- I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Don't even trip, dawg.

But most importantly, you got to relax. You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don't think this is working. I give up, I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck.

Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it,

You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born!

Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles.

I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

Already lost interest. Get in the car. I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic.

Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,

Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs,

/M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty?

When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.

Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally.

Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right?

Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know.

Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more. J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right! Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face like Wart from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee! How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there?

Was this really the time to make that point, Summer?

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

You little piece of shit.

But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on!

Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?!

Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves Alan Jefferson or something like that. It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole?

You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense! Or maybe there's only one deceiver here --

Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Good luck.

- Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

- Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me? Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes.

- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed.

l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god!

Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.

The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J,

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi!

Extra food?

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

No! No! Ow!

'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work. We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as, because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt.

I'm no different than that jacket you've got on! Y-Y-Y-- o-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! l-l-l'm just an object! Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Marty, Now, for the love of god, be quiet. The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy. You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty,

l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb...

T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. Man, this place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices?

- DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you?

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened,

Now, there's a wide range of options to choose tram,

Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here?

This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys.

Aaaah!

But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good,

Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her lover intact? Well, I don't thinkthat's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones. Beth, can we talk about this privately?

This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty, Anything with less than eight limbs is considered disabled here.

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh...

You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

J, Don't leave me J,

and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes.

Oh shit! The other collar!

because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly,

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J,

SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing.

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here.

a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other. Apparently, they've got some real creative differences.

You have no idea what prison is like here!

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young.

J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

Huh? What? Wait? What? Stop.

Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty?

He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child.

Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife. So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes.

Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse.

We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto." And a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry? Pluto is a planet. Well, how about that. I love it. Marty Smith. l'm Scroopy Noopers.

I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land.

Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.

New York Times bestselling author, your book is about innocence, the definition of it, and, inevitably, its impossibility. Is it autobiographical? Certainly. I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager.

Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe. FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful.

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream?

What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.

You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

- W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me? Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes.

Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad.

Okay. We're ready. Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack? That's Bubonic plague!

Marty! What are you doing to me?!

J, But we make sure they see the sun J, J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

Here's another slogan right below that one.

Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer.

and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me. Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad.

What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop, What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know --

They changed it in 2006,

We're decrypting it now. HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!

Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13.

and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked. Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases.

Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me.

We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time.

From Summer being a total bitch!

It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty,

My man!

You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"?

It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air.

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit.

Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.

My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik

I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha!

Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid,

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

We'll be right back after these messages.

Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose? You pass butter.

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

l'm King Flippy Nips, ruler of Pluto. We discovered you quite by accident during routine surveillance of your world, You really gave it to those guys at NASA l was -- you know, sometimes science is about conviction. lt'd like to introduce you to a few people that very much agree with you.

Here 's my fingerprints.

Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.

Oh, I... Plutonians. Jerry Smith is a scientist from Earth, where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet.

You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know? You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff.

Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance? I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. Ohh! No, Morty Jr.!

SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!!

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?!

- It's my favorite song, - Oh, yeah.

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy?

just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.

That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J, All right. Let's proceed.

Oh, hey h-hey-y! Morty, Jessica, what's up? Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty,

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.

Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting!

Oh, wait. Let me get a picture.

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick!

Living in perfect peace. Oh, I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a yearwhere you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence. That's right. What?! It's like "The Purge," Marty, That movie "The Purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time.

God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose.

If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked!

Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th, Deal. All right. W-well, come on, let's get going. Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. Washing dishes? No. The opposite. Can you fix it? Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework? Yeah -- j-just don't do it. Grandpa!

Dumb Name.

Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!

The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are. lfwe would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because y-- because you're so in love with school. All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under--

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe.

Yes, siree!

That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples.

Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery.

No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!

Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things.

Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV, J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh!

Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback!

I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone?

Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories,

Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't.

J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

l-l want to show you something. Okay, look, everybody makes fun of me for getting these, but you're a genius scientist. What do youthink? See? There's little R2-D2s where the George Washingtons should be. You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them.

RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

Have you ever been to a pizza contest?

l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario -- we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty,

Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence!

Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty.

That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness.

Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box.

I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.

I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?

You're not. Or are you?

Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases?

You two call yourselves geniuses, but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the --

Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction! Geez, Morty. I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet. I don't want to talk about it.

Rick!

You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,

Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"!

- Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah!

Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw.

No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified!

I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit!

I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. I am here if you need to talk. - What is this place? - Paradise. We built it during the great passive-aggression, when the females separated from the males due to their increasingly destructive behavior. I am here if you need to talk. I am here if you need to talk.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company.

The nipple hole. It's beautiful. Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!

It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants.

"We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!

I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife.

But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it, God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky? Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things.

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!

You're scaring me. Scaring you?

Aah! Unh! Class dismissed. Geez.

Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back!

'cause you need to cut me some slack...s.

Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later.

We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous! I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom,

Oh, shit.

Hold on.

Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week. Unity, could you get Rick out here, please? He's unavailable. He's...

Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

J, Lay it, lay it down J,

Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez? Okay, you're just making stuff up now,

Fair enough. Thank you, kind sir. Our village is saved! You are both true heroes! Oh! Good job, Morty. Looks like you won the bet.

I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know,

Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese? That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school.

Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp.

I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure.

To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.

I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa. I love you, too, Terry.

All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, But these gears just started turnin'. LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry? Uh, almost. I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes.

Run! Relax, Marty,

ANNOUNCER: Ina world where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents,

HEADS: Hooray! Yeah. All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J,

Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting.

This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha!

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.

Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty! Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man.

then we can't get schwifty.

Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

Shmla -- Shmlangela? Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"!

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.

I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet. They changed it in 2006, Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree?

Mr. Pibbles, you just wrote my penis a one-way ticket to staying on my body town. ANNC)UNCER: it’s the opposite news with Michael Thompson. Hey, everybody, it’s me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn 't get killed. He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba.

Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!

Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids? I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food?

pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.

relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting. MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say --

The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.

Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch, so i never know what's going on. Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know,

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.

Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind.

Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds.

Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

Listen to me, Marty,

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea.

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death.

Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no!

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer!

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.

What do you say we go home? I'd like that. Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126? Uh, I'm not sure. Marty, Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket. - What?! - Way to go, Marty, Eh, whatever. - Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

We weren't even supposed to be down here. Ifwe confront him about this -- Oh, my god! I love this. I love that this is how far you will go for him. You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a Lifetime original above a fucking alien dungeon! Your relationship with your father is psychotic. Oh, listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person.

- Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all.

Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now, Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad,

My name is... Alexand--

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah.

Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes!

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta,

No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him! No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.

Are those chokers from the '90s?

What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs,

Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

I love you, Melissa.

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit?

People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

Boy, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Marty, A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty!

ljust want to die! We all want to die!

The world?

We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day. Ooh, family vacation!

Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what?

Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real.

You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J,

t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once,

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh!

Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them.

Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty,

- They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?

Did you get any ofthat?

Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something.

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god!

Mi casa es su casa, dawg!

But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails.

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on! Aah! Get off!

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor.

Break the cycle, Marty,

Oh, my God.

That's what I meant. Knock them dead out there, you. Pluto is...

Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?!

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out.

And away we go.

and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.

Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez.

Alexand--

Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought...

We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No!

Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks!

Hey, Marty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger?

Where is Marty?

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

No! Get out of my head, parasite!

It's an obsession for them at this point. The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead ofthem. Aha! Here we go. Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips. RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all.

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on.

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Okay, thanks for clarifying.

J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J, J, All the moon men want things theirway J, J, But we make sure they see the sun J,

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh... we can't. Absolutely not. I'm s orry '2 We've been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us, but the key is, it has to be our daughter,

We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different!

Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination!

- Unity, what's happening? - Who's Unity? You kids have nice feet. Mind if I take a picture?

Run! Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!

But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are.

lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

Run, Marty!

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry.

How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.

No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.

Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here!

It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do --

Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.

Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy,

Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

But we don't like the idea of these people getting married, Put a line in the sand, everybody. Vote "no" on proposition X W2. The act that says trunkpeople can get married, Who needs it? Not on my watch. Paid for by Michael Denny and The Denny Singers.

Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?!

Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting. Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go. I'm not watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your medal's in the mail. - I'm gonna get a closer look. - Oh, okay, sure. And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve. Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other.

From Summer being a total bitch!

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could.

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever.

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth.

I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower.

Well, this won't do. - Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp-- I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth!

Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal!

Bring up the holograms.

Tough!

What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors!

He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me.

Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you.

S-Samantha. Please, mister!

Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry.

I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up!

Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.

Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite!

We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry! What the hell are you doing here?! What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917.

What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species, Beta Seven. Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice.

- I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later.

BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers!

Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal.

Oh, l-l get it.

Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh?

Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can --

Why not? I don't know. lt's Indian giving. A sophisticated predator, nature 's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill,

But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes. Would you relax, Marty? There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why?

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.

l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this.

Grandpa's back, baby!

Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should!

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back,

God damn it.

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!

Yes. You do? ALL: Yes. So...| sold it? I sold the idea? ALL: Yes. Oh, my god! Thank you! TOGETHER: Thank you. You're welcome. Hey!

Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.

I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them.

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.

Then I'll take one of those. I don't need the rest. God, whatever, Rick.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request.

There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made. Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space. "

...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet! I'm an idiot, and I love my son.

Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius.

Next time I party, I'm just gonna focus on getting totally wrecked. You're so wise. May I assist you with that? Uh, sure, yeah. Thanks.

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

It's like "The Purge," Marty, That movie "The Purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night. l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country,

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

What do you do?

Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different!

Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why?

I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh, Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now. Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful.

Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-,

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one.

"Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, ...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass. Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J,

From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles.

I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, Iike...an Appley or something. Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns? Yes. Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap!

That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car?

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You."

Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.

Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right! Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face like Wart from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee! How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about?

All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs. Hey, there. Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill Wow, you sure found this guy quick,

SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem?

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn.

Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing.

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed. Forget about the park, doctor! How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy?

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming.

Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.

J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J, Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!

Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars.

Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.

Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty,

my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket. Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on.

Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run!

Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife.

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?

We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free!

You sons of bitches!

f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine. Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

What the fuck is going on?

Birdperson!! No!!

The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh!

Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die!

I want yooooooou!

We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

We shall.

This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated,

Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill. Whoa!

You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty,

f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth.

"Cape Fear"!

we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]

And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going.

His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Oh shit. Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.

Can't afford to chance it.

Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick?

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,

And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night.

Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela? Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera.

This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics.

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu...

undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.

And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird. I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going. Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded!

Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target. Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax.

One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when yourworld is one. Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta?

What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay?

I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers?

J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight.

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator.

Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty,

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

You were so small and cute. I thought you were gonna fly right off into the street. I used to pee my pants. I know, and now look at you! You have a job. You're making really good money. You're not paying any rent, so you have plenty of disposable income. Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up,

I wouldn't have gotten drunk.

Calling all Jan Michael Vincents.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick!

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Yeah, baby!

Here's where I am.

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow!

JESSICA: Marty!

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on?

Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?!

Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days.

and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy,

Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here.

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six.

it's unsustainable. You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different, none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work. We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as,

We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun.

You drive a hard bargain,

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre? Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back.

You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty? Any idea what that is down there? The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are.

We understand genocide. We do it sometimes.

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right.

Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!

Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J,

Whoa, man! What the hell was that?!

Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

How long will you be visiting Earth? Oh, we live here. We were just off-planet for a wedding. Go that way.

Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence!

- Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six. Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!

Oh, my god!

I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,

- Wow! Look at all this stuff. - Yeah. This is me and my grandpa Rick's sci-fi workshop. Check this out. It's beautiful. You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you. What's that, Marty? I think you're the most --

Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds.

It's a good-a show!

Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!

They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! - Out. - Whatcha doin'? Well, I can't solve the problem my way, thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups.

What? Why -- why me?

but this is real science.

Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah.

"Dada." Domination!

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs,

Y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to -- got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know? I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look.

They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.

I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

It's beautiful. You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you. What's that, Marty? I think you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah!

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

Since when do you have a job? Since last week. lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character. Please don't.

We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.

All right, that should do it, Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself.

RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh?

Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means?

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?

I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself.

Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system --

l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing.

I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick?

...scare Scary Terry.

Yes.

Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know?

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn!

Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh ! That's beautiful.

Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick.

Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after,

Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves?

It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah.

Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.

I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

l-l-l understand.

I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat?

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

technically, the second freezer drawer is mine.

Oh shit.

Allahu Akbar!

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever.

J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged."

And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty? Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with?

Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target. Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax.

I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide.

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me.

Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you.

So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s.

We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here.

You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here.

Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars.

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news.

Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm...

Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute.

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

I'm taking the wheel.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

RICK: Learning to fly this thing, Marty, is gonna be really liberating. You know, you're gonna be free to go on all kinds of errands for me. Cool. See that planet right there? Don't fly too close to that planet. Someone will come out and try to wash your windshield. Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over.

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what?

I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't!

Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine.

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho! J, Oh, it feels good J,

Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?!

Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers.

Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Unity's not into other hive minds. It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.

Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes!

lfyou desire to kill me, I only ask you do it quickly. No such agenda, chief. We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir. We were just hoping to get on the roof of your lighthouse so we can send a beacon to my sister on Earth. - It's a different planet. - By the way, life on other planets exists. Don't let it distract you. I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale.

I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me.

You're a great student and the fact that you're an 80-Year-Old man in a clone body, it never bothered me. But this here is another matter. You recognize this? We got a tip it was in your locker. Yeah, now, because the gym coach was a vampire, the school board is embarrassed and won't take it public. However, they can't have students killin' teachers. I gotta expel you for this one, TR.

I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.

Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live? Stop asking! Yes, lwill! That's right, assholes. Take my penis. Take it all! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!

- l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated,

God, I feel terrible. Yep, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the Universe can be. One minute you're falling off a roof for six months, the next minute, bam! Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under -- Uh, what? It was your job, Marty, - Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer. I got to back the "M" bomb on this one.

I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! WOMAN: In your face! Give me the gun, I'm not doing this in front of Pencilvester. Bring him to the garage. You listen to me, you son of a bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors.

- You don't click on it? - No!

I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?

Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry! Hey, uh, come here.

You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario --

Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you!

I need food. Who's got food for that guy?

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second?

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L"

Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to. Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?!

I don't have any! Spoken like a person with repressed rage. I take no part in the festival. lfyou desire to kill me, I only ask you do it quickly. No such agenda, chief. We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir. We were just hoping to get on the roof of your lighthouse so we can send a beacon to my sister on Earth.

H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

Have a little perspective. Hey, Rick, squanchy party, bro! Aw! Squanchy! Is there a good place for me to squanch around here? Squahchy, you can squanch wherever you want, man, Mi casa es su casa, dawg! All right! I like your squanch!

That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers --

What's he doing? What's he crafting?

Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho! J, Oh, it feels good J, Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver.

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here!

And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom.

Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,

BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out!

Man, look at them go. So coordinated. What's your problem?

Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind.

There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system -- I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick. I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty,

How can I assist you? I want to talk to Unity, Beta Seven. I know it's in there. You're classified as a hostile entity, and Unity doesn't want to talk to you. I know your game, Beta Seven. I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in-the-wings shoulder to cry on! You are classified as a hostile entity. Oh, you're just loving this, mother-- this isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal.

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick.

Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good.

MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --

Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait.

so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently.

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Dad, theirwhole planet is dying. Ha! You called it a planet. Checkmate. What's up, Pluto? Mr. Smith, please tell my friend here what you just told me. Go on. My very eager mother just served us nine pickles, and the "pickles" is Pluto.

You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up! Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill!

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers.

And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit.

Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"?

I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am?

Beth, listen to me. You're going to get outta here. You're gonna go on, and -- Jerry, just leave the door. It's not a door, Beth. It's debris.

- Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor.

See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut? What the heck?

Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.

But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff.

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!

"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

Oh, what the hell?! I know, right? MORTY: Jerryboreel?

l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes. And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios, lthink. lcan’t-- l’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock because i can 't see anything. Our prices, lhope, aren 't too low Check out this refrigerator, only $200.

Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.

Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?

Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread.

Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior.

l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.

J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J, J, And everything is one in the beauty J, J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah!

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio.

Jesus.

Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day.

Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details.

Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay? We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them.

I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people.

See that planet right there? Don't fly too close to that planet. Someone will come out and try to wash your windshield. Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry!

You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.

Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you,

Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."

Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.

And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

In the name ofthe squanch, the six rivers, the four squanches, and the nine balls, l unite these two organisms in eternal squanch! Tammy, you may squanch your vows now. Birdperson... You are my seed, my worm, my earliness, and my lack of cats.

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god,

I just got bored. Everybody out. JERRY: All right, just one more rally, then I promise we'll get back to your science project. Dad, Pluto isn't a planet.

Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky?

J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops,

Run! Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!

Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these?

Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.

Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god!

You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn. Finally. I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline. I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born. That came out wrong, That came out very wrong,

My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No! Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man?

I'm traveling with my son and father-in-law. W-wait. Are they coming? Oh, they'll be back soon. What?! I don't know how this works! Help me! What the hell?! I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?

Eh, unless she has the flu. Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?

Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!

That's not how it works!

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.

While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals.

You respect me. Please, call me "The Devil." I'd rather not, actually. Yes, perhaps not during business hours.

fast making for a friend?

Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom?

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did.

You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.

Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is.

then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General?

Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary.

is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move!

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah!

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J,

Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, ...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass. Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J, J, lt's schwifty time today J,

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death.

Ooh, he's trying!

I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine."

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up. - Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss.

like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?

Yes.

can you assimilate a giraffe? You're the worst! No, you're the worst! You don't support this family! All you care about is yourself! You think supporting the family is about supporting you emotionally... you've got two children being dragged across the cosmos ...because it's never enough, Jerry! ...by your dangerously ill father! And you force me to watch it happen... ...because you'd rather lose them and lose me... ...it's like to be afraid of losing anything 'F'

Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals. Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job! Seize them! Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer?

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about,

You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

Nintendo, give me free stuff.

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. That's what I think of your crystals, Rick!

Buckle up!

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Please! Please don't kill me!

Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?

balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die.

Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

I'm fine! Oh, good.

Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world

Whatever. Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses.

Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot.

We got, uh, one game. We got a Whole bunch of games here. You can -- we got Chabos and Flobos, and you can shoot thingsl Get over here! Play the games! Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets! "Ro y 2"just got here. Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world,

Show me what you got! Uh...

they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right? ALL: Never. Never. Back in a flash.

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

Oh, no. He just got ran over...

f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, "

it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush.

Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort?

Welcome...

It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick,

You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

But sometimes, plans need a helping paw,

You know what? I'm taking this.

Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous!

Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

"Get Schwifty" was a jam.

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

My man!

This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.

you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick?

I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.

What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream?

Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you?

J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl!

Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh?

Get down. Hurry. Run. And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it. With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice. What in the hell?

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,

That's the difference between you and me.

and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls!

In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here?

Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.

I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community.

l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm.

Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions.

Buckle up!

Uh-oh.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind.

It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through. You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic.

Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am? S-Samantha. Please, mister! Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!

...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty,

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Marty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone?

J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the...

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

The nipple hole. It's beautiful.

Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me. You know, parents are just kids having kids. One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son. I'm an alien?

Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

Our village is saved! You are both true heroes! Oh! Good job, Morty. Looks like you won the bet. Thanks, Rick, but I don't know if I should. You know, you were right about the Universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place. Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know.

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-,

Aah! Unh! Class dismissed. Geez.

Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death!

Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,

What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting.

Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me! l-l never intended to harm you, I swear. I am trying to end the festival. W-W-What do you mean? l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival.

He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty?

Pants!

So your teenage daughter's marrying a Birdman.

Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve,

Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

Now, pick up your dead self and come on.

Everyone has a plumbus in their home.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back?

What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.

Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities,

Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?!

Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuffthem down and -- Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting. Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go. I'm not watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your medal's in the mail. - I'm gonna get a closer look. - Oh, okay, sure. And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve.

it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty!

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this.

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt.

Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

Hey! - Hey, Marty, - Oh, oh, hey, Dad. Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me.

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!

We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day.

I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,

Hey, Marty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger? How do you feel about all these people that are getting killed today because of your choices? I did the right thing, Rick! Tell that to Gearhead's gearsticles. You did that! Wrong! I'd be playing "Roy" right now. At a certain point, my hands are tied, Marty,

Stop interrupting! The knives will --

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun,

Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard!

Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous! I'm obviously being setup.

Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down? Well, it's bath, But most importantly, you got to relax. You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don't think this is working. I give up, I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival. Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic.

Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go--

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off,

which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you.

And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet.

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind?

Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know?

That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die? Don't worry. Dr. Glip Glop is the best in the galaxy. Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Aah! What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy.

But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?

Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry.

Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina.

Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty! Nobody's killing me...

For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention,

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

Yes. Holy crap!

- Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you.

You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones.

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery.

J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

and...

What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too.

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff.

I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty? Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady.

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J,

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack.

I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job.

Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home.

Tammy! Caw!

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up,

It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here.

Hey, don't shove me!

You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes,

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.

Oh, Morty.

I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

No, stop! Don't kill him!

That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school.

It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all.

This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria, but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right.

Gross. What is that thing? It's a courier flap.

Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this...

Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

This is bad, Marty,

I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

I told you not to trust that tuna.

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay.

What the fuck?

Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir? - Holy hell. - Sir! Hold your fire! What's going on?

Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.

Run, Marty! Run!

l’m Ants in My E yes johnson, E verything's black. i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch,

The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine.

Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that?

You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due?

Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable.

Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder.

But that's no reason to accept our fate!

There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom?

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up,

My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails.

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad!

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker.

I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it.

Oxygen-rich atmosphere. Giant testicle monsters. We'll be fine! Let's party!

Oxygen-rich atmosphere.

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry!

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

Dad, there he is! Oh, god, Hey, stop that! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad!

Gone with the wind! Am I right?! lfyou don't like that one, Marty, an alt on that could be, like, if I said "Gasablanca"! All right, I'm done. Let's get to the Promethean Nebula, so my grandson can finish saving a life!

South Pole discovered, baby!

You think you could help me out? Whatever. Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together?

Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist. That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round.

This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you?

Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

I feel bad that they -- tht. Screw those guys. Ugh. I'll be right back. Don't waste your brain on those weirdos, Unity. They're no different from any ofthe aimless chumps that you occupy. They just put you at the center of their lives because you're powerful. And then because they put you there, they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right? ALL: Never. Never. Back in a flash.

Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being, I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme?

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry. W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.

Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick -- almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there,

I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible.

Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, man. I cannot wait -- I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone. Jerry, stop, please, okay?

Dad, I'm so confused!

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!

- Here's another. - l’m the killer.

And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels?

I'll see you at God's house!

l-l-l understand.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles?

l've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises.

I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty,

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.

Ooh. Ohh. Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly.

Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!

Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off.

- I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here? I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked. Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it.

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime. Get it? You know, 'cause it's frozen.

I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.

Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.

But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty.

Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me!

"The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!

Cynthia. . . JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her? Well, if it's any consolation, Summer,

You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Calm yourself, Morty.

Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.

Whoa! Look at you! You're wearing the hat and everything!

Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty,

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la."

Umm...

Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?!

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am?

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.

You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive.

Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time,

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!

Huh? What the fuck?

Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!

All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane!

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here!

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy,

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on.

Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend!

There's crucial things happening here every day.

they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?

Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect.

ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka!

I know, right?

We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me!

I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh?

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison.

"I prefer to keep my penis."

Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

"Cape Fear"! "Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."

Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible!

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s?

none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work. We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as, because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate.

Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples.

Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed.

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains...

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either.

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something.

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up!

Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?

You pay with the curses, right?

Yeah! Aah!

J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome!

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

I'll be in the garage.

the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad,

It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. What? I'm an angry father, not an improvisor. Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff.

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!

Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this.

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles.

Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this, just because Grandpa Rick is? It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?

Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.

Have fun.

What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy,

Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league.

Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!

Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk?

This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?

You're welcome. Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals.

You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

Your slave is ill-mannered. My slave? We assume you are from a more primitive world, where men are still permitted to be servants. If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. He's my slave. He's my slave. He's definitely my slave. Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy,

I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty!

Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job!

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,.,

Well, your mother and I are gonna be spending some time apart, Marty, And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy. - What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next? What about this? Babylegs, you’re a good detective. But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs.

All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean?

Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!

Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee,

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps.

Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared?

No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles?

Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved?

Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com.

from this day forward, human and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them, and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption. Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car?

I am a baby! I'm a baby now!

Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

"Uh, Tammy, you're a high-School senior from the planet Earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!" Yeah, Tammy! But then I think, you know, in a lot ofways, l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth. In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation,

My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so.

Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick! Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh --

I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry!

Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball.

Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery. You're welcome.

Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn.

See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out.

E, Coli outbreak.

That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected.

That's right, Jerry!

What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see.

No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

Are you? You're not. Or are you?

I'll go.

Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis.

You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate.

Where is Marty? [conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected!

I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him?

Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here?

i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters.

It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea.

Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed

Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J,

Holy cow, Rick.

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid!

doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right. I think I'm certain we're effed in the "A." Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do?

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project?

Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.

Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah!

Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't!

Are you guys kidding me?

Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot.

Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today.

Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh?

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected!

Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

Shhh.

Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend,

WWW, rickandmorty.com.

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man!

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers.

Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!

You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out.

They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me!

Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me!

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh!

See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on.

none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid. Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV, and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being,

Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

but I -- I think we have tojust... It's okay. This is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do? You're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon. So...? Well, don't different animals... require different levels of skill to keep alive? undefined Oh, god, Get the deer in the car, Jerry. Yes, Beth. This is why you don't freeze time, you guys.

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

I spent some time wandering through space. Then I found this world... ...where l was better able to focus on my passion for unification. You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it.

I wish this knot was looser.

This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Marty style. Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally. Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry.

ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome. My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? M-my drink is empty.

- My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye.

Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass.

Owl, Oof! Ugh! Damn it! I'm all right. I'm okay. All right, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is? Marty? Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes.

That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son.

You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty, for them to work. Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

Rick!

Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices? Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is. Oh, my god, Rick, look!

We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.

I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty.

and I need them to help me with my research, Marty, Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls.

Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh.

Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel.

but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.

What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon.

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204.

J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty!

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

W-w-w-where we running ta?

yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe,

I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it.

Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty.

You guys are the fucking worst!

Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.

First, they take the dinglebop,

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.

Hold on. There's more.

Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.

Aah! Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us.

Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting.

Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather.

I love this man!

I care now. You made me care more.

Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today. Welcome home, Water-T.

It's raining blood!

Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!

Class dismissed. Geez.

It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized.

You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine.

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect. Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? Yes, we discovered a species oftiny pig off the coast of New Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west. We'd offer you some, but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast.

W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty,

All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you!

You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves.

the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?

Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

What the -- aah! Aah!

I just got bored. Everybody out.

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

Go change.

Quite an operation you got going here, Une. You're a whole planet now, huh? After we broke up, I spent some time wandering through space. Then I found this world... ...where l was better able to focus on my passion for unification. You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up,

I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why -- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family?

Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

I got ambitions, man.

J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd.

fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue.

And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army,

Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris!

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.

What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner.

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse,

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre? Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you.

not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes!

What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son.

Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice?

It's fine. Everything is fine.

Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!

undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry!

I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty, You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop, You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick. What do you know, Marty? What do you know?

Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Wha? Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A!

Since when do you have a job? Since last week.

no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

The nipple hole. It's beautiful.

welcome to our Ad Agency.

And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry.

It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels.

You son of a bitch! Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here.

RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions.

No. I'd say, given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity. But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time?

RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions.

Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand.

I don't give a shit!

You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra,

All right. There's six of us, and that's it,

- Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me!

Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me!

See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit.

Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone.

Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.

Oh, man. I cannot wait -- I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone. Jerry, stop, please, okay? We weren't even supposed to be down here. Ifwe confront him about this -- Oh, my god! I love this. I love that this is how far you will go for him.

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through. You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic.

What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that?

I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."

It's a good-a show!

Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!

Or,,,

God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe. And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks,

J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man!

You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties!

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

Wow, What do you know? Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg.

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

Rick? How -- How did you --

Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery.

Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy?

All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.

you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other.

I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!

For real?

You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only!

You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J, J, All the moon men want things theirway J,

J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?

What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you,

My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here. You can have this back.

RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit.

Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well...

Pride cometh before the fall.

RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.

Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't!

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,

- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it,

Oh, god, what is life?

it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator.

Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself.

but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

- What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

You have arrived at Krombopuios Michael, Your destination is below. We're all out of off-white Persian. Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?!

ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Annie. ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick.

I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica.

Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him. Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know...

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!

Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

A sophisticated predator, nature 's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill, it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone!

What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Marty, nobody changed the planets. I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet.

He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom?

Marty's grounded!

I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you?

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna."

That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first. I'm proud of you, Marty,

- Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen?

Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill. Whoa! Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop,

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god!

Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse. So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die.

not marry me F i chose Veronica.

You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.

Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face."

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop.

It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty.

5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question.

Don't do it,

Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away.

Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh. Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

It was a long six hours, but we've overhauled "Needful Things" into the globally-compliant web 4.0 "E-nomenon," n33dful.Com, spelled with threes instead of "E's." Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google!

You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it,

Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet,

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13. - Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!

Somebody call for repairs?

Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle,

Never in the house. That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.

I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this!

and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of --

I am not staring at you. I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. This is a candid shot. I don't require a camera so -- Sorry. Hi. I am not staring at you-,

Ah, Ah, Ah,

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car.

That's right. What?! It's like "The Purge," Marty, That movie "The Purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night. l-lt's a purge planet.

Ohhhhh! Aah!

Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit.

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,

But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet.

Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

iiove him more than you do, Harold!

Spleen Mountain?

Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber.

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs.

Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip. Oh, hey, it's you guys!

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell?

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

That's my dream! That's my dream.

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

What in the hell? Sex sells, Marty, Sex sells what? Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff?

- ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world!

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars.

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

lt's shrinking because of corporations. Yeah, that's what that anti-planet nut job Scrcocopy Noopers was screaming about outside the Ministry of Money's Fundraiser. Are you telling me four billion Plutonians are wrong? You said science wasn't easy. I said science isn't always easy. Obviously, that means sometimes it is easy. Let's not debase ourselves with word games, son.

Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty, for them to work. Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?!

The citadel of Ricks.

J, Quasars shine through endless night J,

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

Hello, there.

Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.

What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

You're doing great, Marty, Really? You think? I mean, I'm not doing much of anything. What do I do if it cries? Then you put it down and let it cry itself out. Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer, and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it.

Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick.

Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher. Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg.

O h, my god! Aah!

But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out.

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick.

t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles.

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with?

Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye.

- Rick! - Pants!

ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Don't break an arm jerking yourself off.

You're welcome.

What are we doing? I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this.

...seven...

Did you get any ofthat?

Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!

Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them.

Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you?

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!

I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife? Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy,

- Good luck. - Thanks.

Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

It is random debris. I found it in my carpet.

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them.

I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing.

This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.

RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot.

W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.

She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light.

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal.

Now I'm hooked.

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

I have something important to tell you. J, And the gears, they turned for a thousand years J, J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know.

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death!

A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.

who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool!

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty,

Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when yourworld is one. Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. Rick, when we met, l was a young hive mind with the population of a small town.

I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!

Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on?

And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah! Grandpa Rick, where are we going?

Well, then my son's going to fail his science class, and when that happens, l'm suing you first. I think I know what the "A" in NASA stands for. - Dad, what's your endgame? - Ain't no game, sucka. Why don't we just make the solar system with eight planets? It's even easier. Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round?

RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. Man, this place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices? Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is.

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon. I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles.

the movie tickets in the other, he's like, "I'm ready!"

That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh!

we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow.

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld.

and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome. My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive?

Marty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here? I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked.

We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. Grandpa Rick, couldn't you, like, use your superknowledge to turn yourself into a teenager and come to our school and help us hunt the vampire down? Um -- Wow, Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer.

Title -- 'The End'... question mark." Wow, Yeah? lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it? Of course I did. You didn't laugh at the scene in the bar. l...thought it was funny, but I wanted to hear the rest. Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it. That's my note, you know? Please write more.

Gentlemen, gentlemen! One at a time! Simon? Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got --

Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun. Like, letting go ofthe need to be popular is what makes people like you. The most important love you can receive is from yourself. Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club!

J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

Where are my testicles, Summer?

I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right? MORTY: Jerryboreel?

No! No! Ow!

Where am I?! You're at a wedding. Go change. J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J, J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J, J, Fat beats and an alien smile J, J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J, J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J,

I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get --

Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing. MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants,

- My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants?

Marty, take the wheel! Whoa! Whoa! Geez! Damn it, Morty! Who taught you to fly this thing? I'm kidding. I know that's on me. Um, Rick! RICK: Shit. Well, I guess this is it. Marty, crack the window.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh.

All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising.

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.

The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

Grandpa, go home and drink.

The factory tint setting is always too high! Out of my way.

What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due?

Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool!

J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!

- Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on. - Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved. No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it, - Yeah, I did.

Never go in my room again. I didn't!

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon. I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS?

1,2,3.

You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?

Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa!

Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

This? This is a losing battle. Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married! I mean, what do you think's gonna happen if you open yourself up a little bit? I mean, look around. This is your family and friends all around you, you know? Take the day off.

Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend.

W-w-why would you even say that?

Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.

I'm trying to find our weed whacker, 'cause our weeds are wack, yo.

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J,

You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here.

Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385.

J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,

Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye.

- Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool.

lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot.

but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

Particle beam in a wristwatch,

W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave.

Oh, way to go, Rick.

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.

And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch.

I didn't peg Lucy for a rapist. What does a rapist look like exactly, Beth? Is it a Slavic man wearing a denim jacket with a patchy beard and the scent of cheap champagne waiting over his blister-pocked lips? What?

Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose. Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky.

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary.

l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?

It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself.

Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?

You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J,

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean?

Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence!

Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?

"Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.

Grandpa, go home and drink. Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age. Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science.

She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways.

And Tammy!

I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!

Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?

Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, lwill come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies. Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.

Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence.

You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!

My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey...

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine.

What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system -- I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick. I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty, Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them?

undefined Chris!

Hmm. Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it!

Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter?

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Jesus Christ!

Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it, Rick! Yeah, yeah. Hey, have a good festival, old timer. I intend to. Rick, unlock it! Just a second, Marty, Oh, look at that sunset. Stop screwing around.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me.

Buh-bye. WhOops. I'm sorry, Mr. Needful. l'll clean that up, I don't know what I can do about the ghost lady that came out of it, but -- It's fine. Summer, you know, your grandfather's right. This store curses people. That's my business. Well, yeah. Fast-food gives people diabetes,

I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there,

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick,

Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.

Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.

Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling.

I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,

But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right. Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes!

Oh, my god!

You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board.

- What?! - Damn.

Ooh-Whee!

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby. There was a seven-horse collision, and Davin's there alone. Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin.

We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat?

Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, like the Smurfthing? Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Oh, Okay. l squanch my family. Uh... What? I do.

- Master. - Speak. Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name?

J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart.

We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this,

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ...

Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck! GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise --

Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica!

Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea.

My life is a fucking joke!

It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith!

And then a giant tornado came. And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear. A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

Hello. Guess who just sold the apples campaign. Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse,

Let me ask you a question, Ethan.

He's busy.

Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah! So...

It's a good-a show!

I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward,

Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well? Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it,

you've just gone where ice cream is. Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break Mom's heart. And I won't forgive you for that. Where's the van, Marty? It's over the horizon in the driveway.

Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out. You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship!

Come on. It's not every day that I'm town. It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet? I can do whatever you do and more, baby.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler.

Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt.

Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green?

Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute.

Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan?

I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys. I'm leaving.

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em. Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone.

Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.

Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years.

You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...

Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension.

"Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.

Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that. Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose. Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs?

Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick.

Why am I always your go-to?

Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives!

GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth.

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland.

GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible.

Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born.

What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them,

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me.

You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are. l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick,

You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick.

Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine!

What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack? That's Bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho?

Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue?

And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.

Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th, Deal. All right.

and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty.

ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick!

This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa!

But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later.

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know?

Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage,

Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg!

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later.

Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You."

he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No! No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh...

Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me!

l "c an't"? Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean? Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty.

I'm traveling with my son and father-in-law.

Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na,

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha!

No, no! Look, you idiot!

to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!

Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you.

Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying. I'll leave it at that.

Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation!

So, how much did we make? "We."

Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything,

Hey, I'm notjudging. Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science.

Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

I love you, Jerry. I love you. TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble.

Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry.

Where are my testicles, Summer?

Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes. Yes, look through my eyeholes. /'m the E yeho!e... Man. /'m the only one that's allowed to have E yeho!es.

"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!

And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare!

I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome. My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? M-my drink is empty.

But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What? Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, "

Don't even think about it,

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls!

It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes,

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!

Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse,

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper.

Good afternoon. I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? I prefer my own penis, and so should you! The brave Earth man whose sacrifice is going to allow Shrimply Pibbles to live --

It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day.

Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on?

l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right?

Hello, everyone!

Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson.

I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty. Jerry, what are you -- what are you doing in here? I'm trying to find our weed whacker, 'cause our weeds are wack, yo. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here.

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die.

It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no. I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em.

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship.

We're gonna be okay, Rick. How?

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us,

She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Call as up and order some fake doors today.

Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man!

We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community. May my chores complete me as I complete them.

You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.

I ask you to do one thing!

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough.

Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it! What do you know? He was right! Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second!

J, These memories that we have J, J, These memories that we cherish J,

Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots?

Aah! My leg is shot off!

undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

I can't believe she's here. Well, what are you doing standing here, Marty? Go, Talk to her.

Oh, listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person. Step out of your ego for a second and look at this thing -- it's a monster. He might have it chained up so that it doesn't eat the planet! Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs.

Oh, my god!

Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff,

We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents.

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best.

A price for everything. Oh, my god!

Oh, boy, I envy you,

- MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.

LINCOLER: Please, stop!

Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft...

The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god,

What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?

I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty, don't -- don't -- don't be like that. The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place. You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun.

J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

Unity's not into other hive minds. It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven,

Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame.

Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family. And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick.

Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me! Just try to relax. You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!

Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty.

You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying. The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty?

Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

right around the corner.

I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it! HEADS: Hooray! Yeah.

The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it.

No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really.

G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked!

What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

The most important love you can receive is from yourself. Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club!

Come on in, guys.

Well, then I hate Christmas!

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

How did this happen?

We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh?

I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec. These are the forms for the employee health plan. All right, yeah, put -- put them on my-, eh. I just got bored. Everybody out.

Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama." So cute!

Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah!

Calling all Jan Michael Vincents. ANNOUNCER: Ina world where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents, MAN: We need one Jan Michael Vincent to Quadrant "C." We need two Jan Michael Vincents to Quadrant "E." ...and l 6 Quadrants, There's only enough time for a Jan Michael Vincent to make it to a quadrant. He can't be at two quadrants at once.

Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please?

Happy human holiday, Dad.

Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

Puffy vagina.

I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics.

J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, J, Damn right, and I'll do it again, 'cause I am nice so I gots to win J,

Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Marty, I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick!

Unbelievable.

Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.

J, I hurt myselftoday J, f woman speaking gibberish ]

So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets,

Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days. What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you.

Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist?

We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J,

Don't you want to make sure people know what they're getting? You're not intentionally selling... Beauty cream that makes ugly ladies pretty but also makes them blind? I find this all quite preposterous. Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh !

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system."

I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank. What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us,

How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down,

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What?

lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here.

Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV, and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask.

Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay.

Hey, "Ball Fondlers"? Huh, "Ball Fondlers"? Yeah, I could go for some "Ball Fondlers." Yeah, "Ball Fondlers." Aah!

J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit?

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them.

"We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped.

I promise I'll call you every day I need money or a place to do laundry. Aaaaaaah! So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle?

They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game.

Noooooo!

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day.

I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!

- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe,

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please!

Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it!

because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty --

Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]

Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.

It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around.

Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty, This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."

Oh shit.

All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote. MAN: Well, " omcial. The obscure planet known as Earth, formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist and fugitive Rick Sanchez, has fast become the 6, 048th planet to ]oin the Galactic Federation.

This place is great, you know?

Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

I say give me a hand, sidekick.

and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long.

Marty, Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J,

Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody.

- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know?

Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry.

Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp--

Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong?

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J, Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them!

Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke."

Seriously, Rick?

Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is.

See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go.

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J,

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer.

Hey. Are you the one that left?

What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite.

Oh! Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick!

Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.

I'm a good person. No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J,

Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec.

Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh? Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists.

Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real.

Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!

Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy. You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a --

How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

Where are my testicles, Summer?

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen.

Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster.

"Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged."

lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad!

Hey, Summer, haven't seen you at flute practice in a while.

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying! All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick?

or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you. So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge?

A list of fears and questions or a collection of real experiences? Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing. Then Jacob came into our lives, and...we're learning to live again. All three of us, Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?

you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

In my butt?

There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree,

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast.

Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.

an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land.

Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah!

Aaaaaah!

Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um -- you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know? Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?

Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man.

The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters -- those facts are who you are. So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is.

What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you,

Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming.

Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back --

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

I done been notifying you.

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space. Eight, personal space. Nine, personal space. You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this --

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

and they love your Dad telling everyone Pluto's a planet because that means they can keep mining until Pluto goes from planet to asteroid to meteor, and finally... poof. Um, a party? ls everyone in your family an idiot?

We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,

You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet!

Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

Like, letting go ofthe need to be popular is what makes people like you. The most important love you can receive is from yourself. Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that!

My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great.

Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know? Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction!

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down.

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me.

Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

H-hello? Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it.

If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

Slow down! My man!

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him! How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean.

No, no, no. Blow me. Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll, Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien.

The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud.

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?

Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head. If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina,

Take me to Marty, You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.

Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves Alan Jefferson or something like that. It's crazy, right?

The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius." Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick.

Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch,

- It's a different planet. - By the way, life on other planets exists. Don't let it distract you. I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale. Okay. Deal. All right, I'm gonna go to the roof and set things up, Marty, you listen to his tale. Okay.

Take the day off.

I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me. I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry. I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you?

W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.

He'll be fine.

And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes. Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time. Yes.

Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick.

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,

Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time.

Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick.

Come on, Rick, quit sk-- stalling. What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over.

Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it,

and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you. Jerry, it's your house -- whatever you say it is is how it is -- but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door.

We still have the nuclear option.

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself. This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she's a marine biologist.

Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J,

Jan Michael Vincents are used up. I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent. Is it important that we know who Jan Michael Vincent was,,, - In order to get this? - Nope. I refuse to send the legislation that allows more than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct. This Jan- Uary,

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no!

Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered,

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why?

my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.

Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty!

Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is. Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break Mom's heart. And I won't forgive you for that.

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6:00 pm, so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children.

No! No! Ow!

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby. There was a seven-horse collision, and Davin's there alone. Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin.

Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong?

A student was frozen to death.

J, Let me out J, J, What you see is not the same person as me J, J, My life's a lie J, J, I'm not who you're looking at J, J, Let me out, set me free J, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J,

That was oxygen.

J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.

Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.

Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected.

Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium...

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica.

and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean. Beth! Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now. BETH: I can't help but feel a little guilty. I didn't peg Lucy for a rapist.

Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg.

This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices?

I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason?

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy.

Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole.

They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Ooh, yeah! Can do!

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

Oh, hey h-hey-y! Morty, Jessica, what's up? Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,

I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

You, not me! You! - Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah! Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies,

They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,

Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car.

Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs.

- MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture.

I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity.

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe. FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe.

Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles.

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now.

Yeah, Marty,

Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go. Thank y-o-o-ou.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.

Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half...

Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon.

We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.

So, how much did we make? "We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J,

What?! Are you kidding me?!

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator.

Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google! Mm. I'm so proud of you, Lucius. So, how much did we make? "We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me?

Jews rule!

You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone.

including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,

But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!

You remember that one time?

Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah.

But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us,

Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young?

Sex sells what? Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff? Hey, Dad. - God. - What's going on? Well, your mother and I are gonna be spending some time apart, Marty, And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy. - What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next?

Hey, Rick. I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out? Whatever.

Quite an operation you got going here, Une. You're a whole planet now, huh?

Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh?

Marty, crack the window.

Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little --

I like your feathers.

Taco time!

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child!

Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,

What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government, Thanks to the skilled diplomacy ofthis mysterious space car, from this day forward, human and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them,

Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!

I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves?

Since when do you have a job? Since last week. lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character.

Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up!

I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me! Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself.

Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Oh, Okay. l squanch my family. Uh... What? I do. l squanch my family. Stop saying it. Grass, Come on in, guys. The guest are having cocksquanches.

Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!

Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood!

- Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide. Well, you can hide with us, Rick? - Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me?

Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

Can do!

Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me!

Pull the fucking trigger!

Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha!

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website,

No! Don't flashback!

The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you! J, These memories that we have J, J, These memories that we cherish J,

That movie sucked.

Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

I didn't ask to be born!

Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car.

this man was a registered sex offender.

I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God --

Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. ..

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!

I...am...finally complete!

As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.

Oh, boy, Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers." I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see.

and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging."

That's a huge step in the right direction.

Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick.

Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick?

High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch?

For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day!

All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack? Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof. Eh, unless she has the flu.

I'm more than just a hammer! He is the one true Marty! Hooray! The one true Marty! Hey, keep it down! You've lived quite a life, Rick.

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator,

We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply.

When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.

Shut the fuck up about moon men!

It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that. Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!

What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me. Oh! Or don't. Hey! Don't! Please! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god!

Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round? Science isn't always easy, Morty.

Marty, Birdperson? You appear to be dying. I will make efforts to prevent this but can promise nothing.

I think we all see what you both mean.

I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.

Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline. All right, Rick, look -- how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us,

What about...

Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.

Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what.

It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com.

He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.

Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other.

but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here.

[processing, powering up f

For how long?

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs!

We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.

Fuck Earth.

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh.

Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch?

We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip. Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward,

up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, ..

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.

You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me.

W O M A N ', Ongoing investigations. Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9.

Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that?

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family!

Get back! Wait, for real? You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around!

W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity.

Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased!

Starting right about now, Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Marty,

FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle,

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick!

This whole thing was your idea, in the first place, and, now, you're trying to rush it along. Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you? Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty,

This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell?

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them?

Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.

A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?

Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.

J, And I'm gonna keep jazzing J, Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy. Our pleasure.

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines --

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

I hate you so much right now.

- Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay.

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland. Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here.

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting.

Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit, - Smith family? - Yes?

Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty,

- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes. And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios, lthink. lcan’t-- l’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock because i can 't see anything.

What's -- what's up?

You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is,

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood.

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song,

J, Just shake that ass... J,

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!

There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up!

What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.

Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

Yo, ding-dong, we're done here. Time to go. Well, Jerry I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but --

You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,

But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.

Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, man. I cannot wait -- I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this.

Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed!

Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, " ANNC)UNCER: More "Personal Space " next Tuesday at 8:00.

Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me.

Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.

Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday!

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh!

Or maybe there's only one deceiver here -- The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other. Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick,

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6:00 pm, so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children. I'm going to start dinner! I don't know what to say. Summer is doing really well here. She's aced every test in potato class,

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Um, first of all, hello.

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

Stop screwing around. There we go. Much better. Now we can see. Great. Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car.

That's Jack and Fabrizio. This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened,

Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

SUMMER: Dumb.

They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Marty, They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay! What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got.

Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god.

go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,

- What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots?

Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.

But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right? Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance.

The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead ofthem. Aha! Here we go. Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips. RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all.

I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.

Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science,

To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us?

Whoo, baby! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

I'm peeing all over your special guns.

That is pretty gay.

[grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake do-o-o-o-rsi

What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect.

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers.

Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben.

This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance?

Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now.

Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four!

Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,

They took my portal gun.

- O h, my god, - Aah!

J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J,

"We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

lt's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.

That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth?

You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Who the fuck are you?

Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty,

J, Cosmos without hatred J,

There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us,

Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome.

I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work.

I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent.

Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally. Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad. Let's find a control room or something.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

Okay. Let's not rehash t/ratfight,

I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick. I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty, Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief.

Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific?

You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun,

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry.

Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh.

I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say. It's not like I could've actually done it, lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it, but I -- I think we have tojust... It's okay. This is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do?

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that,

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.

I don't want girls. I want Jessica. Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate.

That's Bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho? Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea,

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!

Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream,

I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why -- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun?

What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no. What the -- No!

I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants. Compliments of the Galactic Federation. I feel better. Your debt is 7,000 Fed credits. Report to the Ministry of Employment and you will be assigned a function. Honey! I got ajob!

A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad?

The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad!

WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears!

You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie!

J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine.

Plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home.

What the hell was that?!

I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk.

Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing!

This fall, sparks Will fly...

And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty,

Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah!

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power.

Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. Rick, when we met, l was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change... Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. Hey, listen, I've grown, too.

Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot.

So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure. Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together.

- Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god!

Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J, J, It's a small, small intestine J,

J, This is not a dance J,

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out.

NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt"., Plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches.

All right, let's go. MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now!

Never go in my room again.

- I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So?

It's called "Ooh let me out!"

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!

I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty, Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty,

And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't. All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities,

Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137,

I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

Did you get any ofthat?

These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay. You two call yourselves geniuses,

I'm only a human being, Marty, Rick, tell Summer she can't have a party! Uh, Summer, you can't have a party. Because I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't! What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that.

J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J,

MORTY: What the hell?

I feel better.

JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting. RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you.

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But --

Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders.

Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

That's right, assholes.

Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here.

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!

That's the end, motherfucker!

We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife.

Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army.

Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one?

Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap!

- Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up!

Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.

You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all.

J, My empire of dirt J, J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J,

Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning.

From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl!

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school.

I remember it differently.

I wish this knot was looser. Come on.

Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing. MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"?

I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't.

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it.

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys. I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed.

Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread.

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.

Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

I really appreciate you, Marty,

and your solution is to shoot the audience?

Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there? Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah.

This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line?

Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Come on! Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go!

Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves?

but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

On one of our adventures.., Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep.

Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

Kalo kada sha la,

Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years.

How's this for a burning sensation?

One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that.

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too.

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God.

He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla."

Oh, my god, Are those...

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

How dumb are you?

Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat. No! No! Ow!

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me!

Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg.

This disaster was an inside job.

Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"?

the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it?

- Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou!

I just got expelled, Summer! Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young. My top! Screw your top! You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school!

Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s? What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing?

Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire,

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry! What the hell are you doing here?! What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing.

We're playing Yahtzee. Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. It's a fun game for fun families. Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second? it’s a 45-horsepower with antiiock brakes, and " the official car of "Mr, Sneezy 3D. "

but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true,

I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing? Hmm?

Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school?

This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people,

No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

Well, maybe you're right.

Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

Aah!

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam!

All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one's bigger. This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob!

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.

Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!

...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here?

Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand.

Give me the time crystal.

That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

Are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun?

I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

You know what I'm saying?

I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?

He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now.

And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

Knock them dead out there, you. Pluto is...

Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell?

I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!

JESSICA: Come on, Marty,

Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you. Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention,

Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them.

undefined I don't know what to do!

You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious!

And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

J, Look away from the sky J, J, It's no different when you're leaving home J,

And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarcks.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.

lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture.

I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller."

you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

Hello. Guess who just sold the apples campaign. Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse,

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

I like it, Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

Well, it really doesn't matterwhat youwant, because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

Oh, you know my dad once he puts his mind to something. You're spinning this to his credit? I'm going down there. - Jerry -- - Beth, this is my house, which makes this my garage, my secret hatch, my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,

Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

- No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.

Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,

MAN: And there's the approach. Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis...

Oh, yeah, distress beacon! Yeah, baby! You're excited about that? The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. 9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit! - BOTH: Whoa! - 1 out of 10 times, it's a deadly trap, but I'm ready to roll those dice.

ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester.

- Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders,

Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah! So...

- What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next? What about this?

I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

- Summer! - Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there! Why do you hate me, Summer? I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.

Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you? Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad.

What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?!

Pluto is... ...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet.

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

That's... stupid.

Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it? I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart.

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

J, It's a small, small intestine J, It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something.

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry,

Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting. RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides.

Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.

Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh!

I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

Us?!

Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate.

We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later.

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it,

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?

No! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?!

The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine.

Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty,

Now she's a marine biologist. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice.

Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J,

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!

get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him? I'll do it later, Marty,

who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick.

Our destiny is our own!

but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer.

They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games!

All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!

This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.

- I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go.

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with. J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch!

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!

Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow!

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still.

minute to talk? Yes.

Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty!

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

You're fired.

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh...

Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.

Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean?

You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard.

"The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here. You can have this back. You didn't use it?

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff?

Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean?

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks.

Absolutely! Good luck.

lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite,

No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen.

Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith. When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule!

Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me." Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically. No, Marty, Your grandfather is, indeed, in very deep pain.

l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

JERRY: Try not to worry about it, Marty, You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. You're missing the point, Dad.

Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them!

Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.

Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome.

Class dismissed.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it.

what do you think? You're fired. Wha--

Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait.

Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth.

Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it, and how do we spend the rest of it? What are we going to be when we die -- A list of fears and questions or a collection of real experiences?

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality!

All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up,

Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick.

You would? Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh... we can't. Absolutely not. I'm s orry '2 We've been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us,

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,

This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,

Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers.

What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

You make that dog smart or...

What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Proceed to the liver. ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat... ...liven Ow! ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge.

All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

And if you think my top is cute,

Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son.

You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.

J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J,

Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty.

- SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah!

Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

Nope. This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty, Anything with less than eight limbs is considered disabled here. WOMAN: Well, look at this fella. Aren't you handsome? Thank you. - I'm Jerry. - Oh, I know you are.

who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying!

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

Oh, my Gad,

I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life? We only want Sanchez, si'r. Your family Will be fine. Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing.

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Oh, the Hulk. I just got that. Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose. Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky!

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Cynthia. . . JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her?

No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na,

Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it!

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

I don't want to hear it, Summer!

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty!

Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J, Here's the deal. I'm not here to judge. I'm just a guy from another planet. But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you.

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men!

Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow!

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back.

There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!

I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise?

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god,

Kill him!

What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help?

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream?

You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science. A man and his boy, making planets. Hey, how about we use a ping-pong ball for Pluto? And then Jupiter -- Uh, actually, I don't think Pluto's a planet.

If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed.

Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell happened?

Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure!

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here.

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three.

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?!

I ask you to do one thing!

Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now,

I would love to have you.

Heads up, Rapists.

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet,

Get away from me! No! No! Help!

TV: Coin collecting is considered the perfect hobby. . . . beautiful putt right there -- Good birdie. That's only the... eighth birdie of the day. What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Outside?

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only,

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way!

Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go. I'm not watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your medal's in the mail. - I'm gonna get a closer look. - Oh, okay, sure. And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve. Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other.

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

The rest is annoying garbage.

Well, well, well. Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty,

Marty! Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.

I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J,

J, There's still fountains down there J, J, Look on down from the bridge J,

having sex with you. We get it. Grass, Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh.

Yeah, uh... give me a sec. These are the forms for the employee health plan. All right, yeah, put -- put them on my-, eh. I just got bored. Everybody out. JERRY: All right, just one more rally, then I promise we'll get back to your science project. Dad, Pluto isn't a planet.

Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice.

What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?

l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back.

l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole.

I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw.

Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Drop the portal gun.

Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older.

You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?

Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you? Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty,

J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around,

Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down.

Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world, Please, he's in the South Pole!

Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.

Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry.

You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded!

f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life?

Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins!

We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on.

Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.

Aah! Huh? What the fuck?

J, Can you take me now? J, J, I want it real J, J, Are you afraid of me now? J, JV J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J,

Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon.

Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip?

Yeah? lt's... G-Good job. Good job.

Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

- JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine. Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.

- Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh --

LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry? Uh, almost. I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes. I'm sure it's good enough. Move! Every weekend, Jacks and Roses have their Titanic experience in this car, and lhave to mop it up, The floor drops out to make it easier.

You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty,

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?

Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are.

Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same. All right, okay, fair is fair. lfyou do extra work, you get extra food. Oh, Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that.

J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,

Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside,

SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer.

Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack? Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof.

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

That is why he must numb himself.

W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air.

Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense.

I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one's bigger. This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob!

- You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that?

Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here!

Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com.

Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller." Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it, Wow ! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty,

Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school.

Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ...

Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy!

i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside.

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick?

'cause cob planet is off the table.

Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes!

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with?

He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it,

Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty.

Your marriage can rest easy now. Jerry, go ahead and sit there and put this on. This machine isolates the part ofthe subject's brain containing all perceptions of its romantic partner. And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life.

Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should,

Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge. Here we go. Holy crap! Come on, Morty.

Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here.

Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing!

Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two.

but it's my two cents on the issue.

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak,

Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

Buckle up!

Hi. I'm Morty's math teacher.

Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run!

Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going... to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl. Gee, thanks, Brad. I throw balls far. You want good words? Date a languager.

- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.

Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you.

Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough.

is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh!

"Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs.

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom!

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,

I want the police to take me!

Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

- Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome.

Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. " i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins!

I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"?

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Oh, my god!

Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is -- I'll take you to dinner. Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine. I can't take it anymore.

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,.,

Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely.

I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

- Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent! A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?!

Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half --

All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick!

J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water...

No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty,

May I assist you with that? Uh, sure, yeah. Thanks. Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me."

I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see. Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way. MAN: Actually, there is. Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke."

You got that right. But, baby, listen -- Y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to -- got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know? I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay.

Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah!

Yes, look through my eyeholes.

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,

Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

You did it, Beth. You really nailed it, You're a surgeon -- a human surgeon. Yay, you win.

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man.

Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math.

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science.

I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it,

get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

Listen, you can't both be in denial about it, Okay, bye. Summer! You can't throw a party! Rememberwhat mom said? Yeah, if anything gets messed up, you and Grandpa Rick get punished. I'm only a human being, Marty, Rick, tell Summer she can't have a party! Uh, Summer, you can't have a party. Because I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't!

Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!

Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you?

I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!

Aw! Squanchy! Is there a good place for me to squanch around here? Squahchy, you can squanch wherever you want, man, Mi casa es su casa, dawg! All right! I like your squanch!

Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this,

Marty, Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J,

Oh, my god! Oh shit!

It's a good-a show!

J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

God damn it! God damn it!!

Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty,

Who wants lemonade?

What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery.

Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry.

Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?!

I'm a troublesome octopus person. Uh-Oh. I gotta save some trouble 'cause here comes a trouble mite. SUMMER: Gross! Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know?

What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god,

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

Aah! Marty, why? Why?

Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!

What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there --

Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.

Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome.

J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J, Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show,

Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.

Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is,

You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it,

RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!

Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam. Hello? Yes, sir, yeah.

God, I feel terrible. Yep, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the Universe can be. One minute you're falling off a roof for six months,

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

SUMMER: Is it God?

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke!

Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over.

Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin. Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J, J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J,

undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer.

Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m--

Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir?

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty!

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh...

All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out!

Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that,

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay.

Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty!

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints.

- No. - And away we go! And away we go!

I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it,

No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,

Well, isn't that convenient?

We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally.

Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry!

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians!

We're going to get it nice and steamy in there, and I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint, and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean. Beth! Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now.

Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework? Yeah -- j-just don't do it. Grandpa! Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar? Wow, Hat trick. All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry.

Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed.

or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back -- back w-w-w-when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps. Oh, boy, Morty.

Grandpa, go home and drink. Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age. Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science.

my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?

- Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!

In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man. PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom!

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business.

We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No! No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks!

How are you today?

The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. 9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit!

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS!

Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind. I love you.

J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified.

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!

Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover, Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh...

J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this?

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth. In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.

Ooh. Ohh. Ooh.

I just want to find somebody nice and sweet.

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty,

and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down.

Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty,

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant.

Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Uh, sir? There's not a problem. What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it!

I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today.

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty,

l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

Wha-what do you want from me?

Mi casa es su casa, dawg! All right! I like your squanch!

That came out wrong, That came out very wrong, Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me. We're playing Yahtzee. Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. It's a fun game for fun families. Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second?

I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is,

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

Seems good.

Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C! Um...wait --

We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.

Say -- say no?

Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets.

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right?

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us?

Pluto is... ...not a planet.

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

Oof! Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers. Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick!

Disqualified!

They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They."

Your destination is below. We're all out of off-white Persian. Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?! Drop the gun. You don't understand! This guy was gonna kill someone! I guess that makes two of us, Aah! What are you doing, Marty? This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory,

ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Annie. ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody.

Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship.

Oh shit!

We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples. We got, uh, a -- crushed red party cups, 15 1/2 brapples. Welcome back to "Funny Songs."

That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry.

Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

Screw you, Rick!

They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that.

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.

l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs.

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff. Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid?

She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew. Please help me. You can reach me if you try. Please help me! That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving. Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night.

Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals. Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job!

Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick. Glad you're safe, Jerry. What do you say we go home? I'd like that. Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126? Uh, I'm not sure. Marty, Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket. - What?! - Way to go, Marty, Eh, whatever. - Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

but it also made me impotent! A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed!

Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.

A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty!

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here?

You don't fuck with time!

Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery. You're just a symptom of it,

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants?

Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty,

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty.

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.

you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!

MORTY: Jerryboreel?

The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads!

Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face?

How are we gonna get back home?

and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die?

l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable.

people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers -- Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on!

Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute.

I don't care. Just leave it, Yeah. Okay.

RICK: Can't wait.

Welcome...

Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering.

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you.

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead!

When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick!

Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi.

Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

uh... guilt --

Put on some sunscreen, Danielle! Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top. Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? No can do. Tonight's the big dance. And Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wing man. BOTH: Tiny Rick! Okay, but if not tonight, when? I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out!

Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay.

You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

I want to die.

Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? No can do. Tonight's the big dance. And Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wing man. BOTH: Tiny Rick! Okay, but if not tonight, when? I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea, in the first place,

All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather.

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look!

You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?"

It's incredibly irresponsible. And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't.

Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long.

Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson.

I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky?

Check this out. It's beautiful. You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you. What's that, Marty? I think you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there.

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it.

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it,

Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot!

What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

God is dead! The government's lame!

H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?!

"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you!

You really don't want to talk to me about this. Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what?

He's a good guy, isn't he?

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here! Yo, ding-dong, we're done here. Time to go. Well, Jerry

I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,

I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh,

You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to --

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops,

undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is,

Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles.

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

but I've become inebriated.

I thought you were gonna fly right off into the street. I used to pee my pants. I know, and now look at you! You have a job. You're making really good money. You're not paying any rent, so you have plenty of disposable income. Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up, Something's gonna come through. I can feel it.

mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..?

that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted.

The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir.

Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!

J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow.

What the hell is he talking about?!

All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room where none ofthe people whose stuff I stole can get to us, Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples.

I do. I do understand about your eyeholes.

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty,

All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes!

Son of a,,,

Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

You pass butter.

And now the first kid is going to do something with turquoise. Which is either code for crystal meth or a gateway to it,

naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill --

Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!

Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice. Pardon, Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension? Sure! Let's go to the ascension. Wh-wh-what is it?

ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick.

Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half --

I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do.

This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going?

You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home.

Did you get any of that?

Welcome, Marty, Welcome...

You're welcome.

J, It's the, it's the J,

That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there.

Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school.

Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down!

This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no. I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em. RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty,

What about weapons?!

No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.

l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters.

It's okay! Never mind!

Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

MORTY: Oh! Oh! Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people.

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Jerry, what are you -- what are you doing in here?

Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson.

Okay, yeah, fine.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad!

I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that.

lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur.

Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV, and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being,

No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"?

Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs.

- Wow! Look at all this stuff. - Yeah. This is me and my grandpa Rick's sci-fi workshop. Check this out. It's beautiful.

Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible! Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats,

All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!

Oh, god, now there's three of them.

All right, that's it,

So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um --

Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?

Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

who takes care of my kids?

And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone.

Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run!

Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster.

Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.

We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time?

I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing.

You're a surgeon -- a human surgeon.

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this!

Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant.

let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty,

I can do whatever you do and more, baby. You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop.

Our pleasure.

lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up,

I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?!

WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie! Rick and Summer of Earth,

Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged. This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera.

i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that,

What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.

Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple?

Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

Get out! Get out!

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers!

You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot,

Now get the fuck out of here.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Shit!

They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?!

No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.

Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA.

Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you?

Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud.

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!

It's a good-a show!

but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J,

Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice.

2003 just called. It wants its easy target back. Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship.

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died,

I know, c-can we wrap this up? Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.

You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go.

Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time.

Oh. Oh, my god,

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people.

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here.

This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!

All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still.

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely.

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

Dad, what's going on? What's the deal here?

They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses.

JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough.

And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios, lthink. lcan’t-- l’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock because i can 't see anything. Our prices, lhope, aren 't too low Check out this refrigerator, only $200. What about this microwave F Only , 100, That's fair. l’m Ants in My E yes johnson, E verything's black.

Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this?

Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit.

It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.

Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.

Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc--

it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery.

Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks,

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards!

All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels?

Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!

Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad.

Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old.

6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at?

Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you, but there is still time. I am yours until my death. ALL: Aww! Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson!

Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick. We'll have two Bloogies, please.

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!

This is a fucking operation.

I hate being a teenager!

Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh.

Aw, geez.

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Oh, my god!

Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing.

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks!

It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!"

Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day.

You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense.

Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction! Geez, Morty. I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet. I don't want to talk about it. - Okay, guys, let's go home. - Where's Dad?

Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three. See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right!

Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?

Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually.

Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.

J, It's still raining up here J, J, Everybody seems so far away from me J,

Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you?

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!

don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake.

No, you won't. The police are coming.

And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable.

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes.

Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?!

Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.

You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh.

Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do!

Oh...um... "Bitch."

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J,

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid. Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair,

Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.

Poor little Rickless bastards.

Yes.

Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really.

I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park.

Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

Take me to Marty, You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar.

I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people!

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill!

Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.

How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes. Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time. Yes.

Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god.

You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two.

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah!

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

- Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch.

We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey.

Death!

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special.

My name is... Alexand--

This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!

Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years.

Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them.

Oh shit.

and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.

Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind.

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...

J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

Shall we, master Morty? We shall.

Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one.

Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane!

Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm.

J, Everybody just wants to be free J, J, Look away from the sky J,

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will...

you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll, Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move?

Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh?

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers.

First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem.

I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick? H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth!

100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures.

Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now. HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one...

Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah!

I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise.

It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty,

I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here,

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam!

What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here?

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator.

We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.

They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill!

Which is either code for crystal meth or a gateway to it, So we didn't do the kids any favors. So we should stay together for each other and ourselves, or... Or,,, Man, woman, and now Trunkman?

I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet.

I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil.

Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty,

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl!

That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying.

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching.

Hello, Summer. Hello, Marty, It's okay. You're safe now. Unity? - Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing. Oh, Summer, you did nothing wrong.

All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean?

That out there? That's my grave.

If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this.

You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that.

Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.

Unh! Class dismissed. Geez.

I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife!

' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table.

Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.

You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.

Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go.

Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one. J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J,

S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...

You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs.

I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same.

Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty,

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one.

Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.

I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!

It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move.

And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front. Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!

And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.

Birdperson!! No!!

all the famous ones... they're gone.

We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa!

Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.

Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure? That's right, Mrs. Smith. Give in to your anger. Neglect that deer.

Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax.

I'm not ready to die.

I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here.

Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.

J, Seal my fate J, J, And when you breathe J, J, You breathe for two J,

Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead.

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em.

These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Marty, They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay! What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got. JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America,

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,

I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty,

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this.

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.

The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad! Uh, hold the phone. Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers,

None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.

Then I better crunch the numbers.

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

That's Jack and Fabrizio. This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened,

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

Boom!

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing.

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing.

I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty!

You're missing my symphony.

Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high! Out of my way. The tint setting is always too high.

You're missing my symphony.

And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6:00 pm, so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children.

Science isn't always easy, Morty. Whoa! Whoa! What the hell?!

lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

So, what are you -- like, the devil? - What? Sorry? - I don't know. Store comes out of nowhere, all the shit's old and creepy. Are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun? Grandpa Rick! Hey, I'm notjudging. Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science. Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis. This microscope reveals things beyondcomprehension.

Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.

Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device.

- Good luck. - Thanks.

Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going...

This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal.

I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you.

Too fast. SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol --

poof. Um, a party? ls everyone in your family an idiot? Well, for sure me and my Dad are. Well, all you have to do is get him to admit that,

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!

Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you?

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

Don't fall for it, It's a bit.

One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here.

Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words?

Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.

God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster! - I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying. - Summer! - Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there! Why do you hate me, Summer? I'm not talking to you.

The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on?

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller." Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it, Wow !

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?

I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore.

i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news.

How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.

Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here.

W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity.

This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird.

Disqualified.

who would you guys chose?

I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery. What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack?

We killed a vampire anda gym teacher. Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer.

It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser.

The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family!

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store?

My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

See you next week, everybody.

Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

That's odd. This deer's wounded. Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off.

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. There you are, Marty, Listen to me.

Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me!

I consider it a violation.

See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family,

Frank Palicky was frozen to death today!

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird. I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going.

- I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too.

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should --

I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm...

W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Outside? Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog!

All right, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things. Excuse me. Can I help you? Starting with common office objects. Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! Such as staplers and pins and all sorts ofthings like -- such as that. That's it, I'm calling security. No!

J, Everyone I know J, J, Goes away in the end J, J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J,

it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that. Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose.

Sex is sacred!

You know, so we can take them wis-- With u-- with us if we lose? That's planning for failure, Marty, Even dumber than regular planning. Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty,

Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,

Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

Motherfucker!

Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one's bigger.

- What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned,

All right. There's six of us, and that's it,

I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick!

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army,

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.

J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J,

Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.

No, "Telepathy."

So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs.

They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something?

so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad.

/'m the E yeho!e... Man.

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.

Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure,

Opium addict.

Let's just say you don't pay-, with money.

Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern.

An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles,

- Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue.

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle.

Class dismissed. Geez.

I like your feathers. They are designed to attract the attention of the female. It's working. Tammy, I should let you know I just got out of a highly intense soul bond with my previous spirit mate. I'm not looking to get into a soul band, I'm just looking for... I believe Birdperson can arrange that.

Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"?

Marty, Time to purge.

Aaaaaah!

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

You say you get it, but I'm scared you'll keep doing it.

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles?

How did / get here?

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President...

All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick!

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else.

...give you anything!

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it,

- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?!

And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together. Get back!

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?!

And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"!

Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity. lt absorbed the minds of our people. We didn't notice until it was too late. The people it takes over, they -- they look like your friends, your family, your leaders, but they're not themselves anymore.

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,

He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

Is that a lot? Is it a little?

Marty, why? Why? Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard?

Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!

I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real.

Rick, keep a level head, okay?

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Ooh, family vacation!

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?

What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah!

You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Seriously?

Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets.

There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers?

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad!

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator.

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?

I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all.

- Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven...

Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified.

What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing?

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

I'm talking about Mega seeds.

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real?

Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something.

You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty,

Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks!

Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government,

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty,

Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty? Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms?

Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad.

I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

Hey, that's mine!

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.

they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry.

I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick.

Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people.

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah! MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable.

J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!

If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train?

and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters. And then a giant tornado came. And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear. A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes.

Saved your ass. All right, Morty.

Aah!

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger.

Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.

Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go!

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh.

I'm a good person.

You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big,

Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow!

You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself.

You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos.

Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me! Just try to relax. You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!

Mrs. Tate, is it? What do you desire? Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,.,

Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh?

Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works.

Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Marty, crack the window.

J, What have I become J, J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J,

No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention.

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!

Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that.

Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery.

Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing. Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean.

Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty,

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,

I can't leave now. Everyone hates me.

Let go of me! Marty!

Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.

You will walk when it is time to walk.

Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth.

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride.

Get down. Hurry. Run. And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it. With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice.

Oh, my God!

you target-chest piece of shit.

- I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim!

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that?

You don't know me.

Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty,

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

Ethan?

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.

Stupid!

Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities,

Oh, man, Rick!

Very well. Your exile ends today. Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father!

Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up,

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor.

I love doing cocaine with you.

Oof!

J, Never leave me out J, RICK: Unity! Unity! Unity! How can I assist you? I want to talk to Unity, Beta Seven. I know it's in there.

Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot.

Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty.

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.

That's... stupid.

Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh?

And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life.

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late?

I'll leave it at that. Fine, dad! Oh, he might have said to take it outside. RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god, Well, I did my job. Summer did herjob. Now all Marty has to do is finish listening to that tale.

Asshole!

Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice.

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,

but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

l'm -- l'm -- l'm --

We will find our peace in the next world, So, what -- y-y-y-y-you're just gonna give up? We're giving in -- to the power of the one true Marty, One day, he will return. TOGETH ER: Praise the one true Marty, Ugh. All right, Mortys, listen up,

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?

And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.

Shit! Things just keep on getting better.

All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well? Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it, Rick!

Where's the helicopter? There is no helicopter. And there is no Cervine Institute. But the top deer surgeon-, I'm looking at her. Thanks for teeing me up like that. You better get moving. These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work. They're not gonna last all night.

Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you?

once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin.

Please, ljust want to go home. Okay.

Is he going to die?

- RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad?

We can go into detail later, son.

Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable.

This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!?

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight...

I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you.

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!

and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit.

Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

- Aaaah! - Holy --

where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf-- We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto." And a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry? Pluto is a planet.

J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J, The end.

but your guess is as good as mine, Marty,

Birdperson.

Yes.

What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got. JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America,

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

What the fuck is going on?

Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out!

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual.

Yeah, yeah. I got it.

Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due?

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,

Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else.

ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Oh, real nice. Real nice. How does a man do this without me noticing? Oh, you know my dad once he puts his mind to something. You're spinning this to his credit? I'm going down there. - Jerry -- - Beth, this is my house,

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard!

All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

I can't leave now. Everyone hates me. Unfortunately, there's no surgical procedure that can fix that.

...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now. This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness, so we are forced to improvise. We placed a large boulder on that ledge. Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?!

and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots?

Dude, are you -- w-- you're being a dick, right? Oh, gosh, l-l hope not. l-l-l-l-l-l wouldn't want to offend you in any way. You're really a Rick? Y-- of course I am -- just as much as my Morty's a Marty, Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry!

Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die!

Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing.

I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle?

- don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?!

Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry.

No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!

Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here?

it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.

"Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word?

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer.

10,9... All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,

what you call "North" of what you call "Here." Fine. Marty, take your Fart to his hole and say your goodbyes. I'm gonna find some fuel and take a big, fat Marty, That's my new word for shit because of today's events.

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone.

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons.

Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.

You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard!

Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys? L-I-Iet me turn it up, tn the news today, this tooks a tot worse than it is. We ’re reallyjust having a good time. Karen F Thanks, Todd, Up next, are you a concerned grandchild or fast a buzzkill? We W te// you how you can know for sure. I think you two are a little outnumbered. Okay, well, what if you did it for me?

O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.

Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah!

it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

What are you doing with that, Poncho? Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea,

And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.

Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.

I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.

You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors. Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.

Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you.

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world.

Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha!

Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that,

May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline.

Breaking news-- Shrimply Pibbles is being held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith. Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know.

Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?!

Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome. J, Look on down from the bridge J,

Hey, everybody.

Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus.

Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife? Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.

Marty? Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40. Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student.

SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.

J, I will make you hurt J, Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Rick?

Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.

God damn it! God damn it!!

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

I don't know how this works! Help me!

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation!

Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah!

Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no.

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is.

Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.

Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same. All right, okay, fair is fair. lfyou do extra work, you get extra food. Oh, Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job!

But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic.

Oh, shit.

It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty,

You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together,

Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels.

It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,

SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right. I think I'm certain we're effed in the "A."

That guy got it.

I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society.

a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream.

lfyou love him, you should leave. And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover,

i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?

You can -- we got Chabos and Flobos, and you can shoot thingsl Get over here! Play the games! Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets! "Ro y 2"just got here. Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!

I just sold my first pitch! Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!

So, what are you in for?

Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face."

and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy?

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two.

Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it, and how do we spend the rest of it? What are we going to be when we die -- A list of fears and questions or a collection of real experiences? Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing.

Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension? Sure! Let's go to the ascension. Wh-wh-what is it? We hereby send these unwantables skyward that they might be inhaled by the many Heads, later to be sneezed back to us as better babies. Headward, free now to rise. Headward, free now to rise.

I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting.

MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!

Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

Birdperson.

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?!

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

After a little scary coitus,

Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying.

I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo!

Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys.

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

Wait, w-where is that music coming from?

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal?

Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up. - Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people? Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own?

Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing?

- Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her? Well, if it's any consolation, Summer, none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid. Okay, I've got an idea, Rick.

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst.

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical.

Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty,

ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity, powering our homes and businesses, improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano.

Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?

Hey, what's up, Squanchy? Hey, Squanchy. Marty, Summer! And you must be Beth. Mwah! Ensquanche! Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, like the Smurfthing? Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Oh, Okay.

or the battery wouldn't be broken.

Get them! Run, Marty!

Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!

Whoa!

Wait. Destroy it.

Concentrate, Morty.

Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch."

What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.

So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun!

that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top.

This is.

I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.

Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no!

including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death!

No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Yeah! We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now! Did he just say "Musical Reality Show"? Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all. Help! We should go get him.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch!

Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty,

I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick!

Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore.

FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed

But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck.

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why? That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid.

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!

Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus.

Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures?

That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.

Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

Okay, this one's bigger. This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh?

Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis. This microscope reveals things beyondcomprehension. Grandpa, go home and drink.

I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.

l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick!

J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it!

Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay. Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap!

"Dada."

See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other.

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace!

Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go!

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.

Well, son, what did youthink when you were five and you pooped your pants,

Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back.

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!

J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look!

Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that. lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself.

but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things.

How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about?

They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?

Can we start cleaning the house and see how we feel?

Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense! Or maybe there's only one deceiver here -- The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other. Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick,

Guys, l'll choke up. I'll follow through. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay? Oh, we're well past that, Jerry. Come on, Rick, quit sk-- stalling. What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure.

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. Fill a whole room up with them.

I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged.

Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit.

We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that?

Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch."

Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this.

"Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty, Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty, That way you can, you know -- y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?

lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit.

What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh!

Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god!

You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy.

- Brad! Hey! - Yo. Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk, Cool. The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right.

I don't know what to say. Summer is doing really well here. She's aced every test in potato class, and look how important potatoes have become. She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew. Please help me. You can reach me if you try. Please help me! That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving. Taco time!

Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home!

Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves Alan Jefferson or something like that. It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great.

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up,

Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister! Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!

I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell?

Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

- Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything. Yeah. But I feel like one ofthe 64 Ricks, like, sacrificed himself for me? - Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty,

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick! Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields?

You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die?

Is that still a thing? Hmm?

MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering -- No, l'll G-- I'll get your info from Summer.

First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high!

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded!

My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,

That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Marty, Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez! I just gotta go to the bathroom. Damn. Oh, Okay, good.

You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters.

Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J, J, And everything is one in the beauty J,

No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10!

Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

Holy crap. I am winning a nobel prize. Come on. Time's up. I'm taming a lion. No, wait. There are film cameras. I might be a lion tamer in a movie. You get the idea. I work with lions. Ohh, we're not playing Yahtzee! We're playing Chutes and Ladders.

Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.

Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird.

J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out --

Aah! Unh!

No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas?

All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.

Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own? I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off, how would they find their butt person again? I don't know, Summer. I can't even hear the TV, All right, that's it,

Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry!

Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole!

Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job! Seize them! Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer? This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay?

Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.

Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Ooh, nice! I think we'll take our food to go. No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer. Fair enough.

Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.

That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

MORTY: I think you're getting what you wanted, Summer. Something's happening to Unity. Do all of you remember who you are? Yeah, uh, my name is Ron Benson. I'm an electrical engineer, father of two, and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings, I'm a member of this planet's top race!

Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea.

But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

Okay, hold on just a second, Morty. Ooh. Ohh.

Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run...

Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works?

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night.

l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh?

Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government?

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way.

Yes.

I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture.

I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.

WhOops.

NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad.

lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this? You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty? Any idea what that is down there? The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them.

You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from?

Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.

A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older.

Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

Morty...

Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg. Just kind of hard to believe, you know?

MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?

Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick.

Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this?

It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert! Ohhhhh!

Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way. MAN: Actually, there is. Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work.

Can't believe our daughter married you,

but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,

Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good. Oh, my god, They're walking up the driveway.

Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son.

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.

I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday! Well, did you even consider how that might make me feel?! How you feel?! Why is everything always happening to you?!

He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours. Good luck, Mr. President. Sir, the magnetic poles are about to reverse. In two hours, there may not be an Earth to save. Sanchez? Are you a musician? l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51. People! Everyone! Remain calm!

Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that. lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing?

Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed.

I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say. It's not like I could've actually done it, lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it,

Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!

Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick.

I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing! Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time.

Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama."

Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?

"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story, to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it.

and spirit, sa ve me.

Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie.

- Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

but if Marty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, you know, kind of your problem, too. Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. What? Why not? Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice? My story begins at the dawn oftime in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium.

because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am. Marty, Time to purge.

R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse.

You better get moving. These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work. They're not gonna last all night. I need five minutes.

There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy.

Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back,

Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues?

Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer.

l dabble, Mr. President.

Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here.

RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me.

JERRY: All right, just one more rally, then I promise we'll get back to your science project. Dad, Pluto isn't a planet. lt's shrinking because of corporations. Yeah, that's what that anti-planet nut job Scrcocopy Noopers was screaming about outside the Ministry of Money's Fundraiser. Are you telling me four billion Plutonians are wrong? You said science wasn't easy. I said science isn't always easy.

because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend,

Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?

All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.

Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough.

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello?

Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

Help me, please! You can help me!

Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt.

That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family?

AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit.

Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred.

They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No!

But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen.

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him.

Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday.

Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J,

there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times.

You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives!

Stupid motherfucker!

Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can --

JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

we could finish the job and go home.

They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay?

The beacon was activated.

Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning.

What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's --

J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J,

- Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry?

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.

L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J,

you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment!

All right! I like your squanch! Uh, Rick, what exactly is "squanching"?

Nooooo!

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice. WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do.

- Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu.

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty,

But these gears just started turnin'.

Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it!

Marty, a moment of your time?

Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it,

Did you get any ofthat?

I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty,

Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today. RICK: You gotta be careful, Marty,

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him.

I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four, the galaxy's most successful couples' counseling institute. They could save the marriage of a dog and a bar of dark chocolate. They could save the marriage of a porn star and a porn star. Well, I know /'m ready to try whatever it takes. Which clearly implies that I'm not. It's not a competition, Beth. on is that how you're gonna try to win,

Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J,

"gubba nub nub doo rah kah."

Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work,

It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

Yo, this is why.

We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Marty, They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay!

nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I? So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby.

We're gonna just steal a couple of things. Excuse me. Can I help you? Starting with common office objects. Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! Such as staplers and pins and all sorts ofthings like -- such as that. That's it, I'm calling security. No!

I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

Oh, my god, Are those...

Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons,

It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius.

I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here.

I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick.

All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it,

You know what? I'm taking this. How do you -- what is this? Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.

Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.

Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!

Ugh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Ugh! Oh, Rick. That was so bad. What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors.

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me.

Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side ofthe screen like that? I don't know, Marty, See what else is on, huh? Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. " i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this.

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something.

MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule! Nobody? Okay, tough church. Hi. Principal Vagina --

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up,

So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuffthem down and -- Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting. Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go.

the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go!

You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a Lifetime original above a fucking alien dungeon! Your relationship with your father is psychotic. Oh, listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person. Step out of your ego for a second and look at this thing -- it's a monster. He might have it chained up so that it doesn't eat the planet!

Wha? Oh my God, the track!

Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did,

It's raining blood!

Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery.

Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame.

When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

Did that not even happen?

No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi!

Now, let's go get you hydrated. Looks like we've got... haunted boxing gloves that wril make you the heavyweight champion in 1936, and then you'll be trapped there, winning the same fight for eternity. I can take out the "eternity" and the padding, and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens. Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby. How's business?

Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today? None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice. Hey, Marty, there's our Jerry. Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick.

He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th-- but that's not how it went down! Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.

you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to --

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit,

All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive.

Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh...

- Hey, Marty, - Oh, oh, hey, Dad. Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me. Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad.

I'm not going to fit. Beth, listen to me. You're going to get outta here. You're gonna go on, and -- Jerry, just leave the door. It's not a door, Beth. It's debris. I don't care. Just leave it, Yeah. Okay.

The answer is don't think about it,

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought --

"Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho!

Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch!

He recognizes the other dogs on TV,

Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison?

BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god,

Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,

Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it.

I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.

Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Look at that thing right there. W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this? You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty?

J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,

Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty.

That's all you are.

Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick! Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler.

At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.

This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer!

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10.

You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

BLANE: Need, or want? JACEY: I've never been much forwanting. BLANE: Spoken like someone with needs. Oh, geez. Hmm? Uh, sorry. K-Keep going. "Jacey reaches out and touches his face. It's clear he needs what she wants. She's a woman. He's a man. The city burns in the background as he takes her in his arms.

Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

Good luck.

lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies,

That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens.

RICK: Shit.

Why -- Why would I do that? You do that?

Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?

You quit school, but you still got some learning to do. Aah! Unh!

i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics,

Seems like when I exist, life gets a little more -- I don't know -- predictable? When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. Give me a break. We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. Oh, I get it, Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.

I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth. Well, herwaistline isn't. Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you?

Nice racket you got going on here. Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist.

You don't have to mollycoddle me. I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing. I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest-- - Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you,

Don't move.

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

Ohhhhh! Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

May I assist you with that? Uh, sure, yeah. Thanks. Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me." Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically. No, Marty, Your grandfather is, indeed,

This is infinite TV from infinite universes.

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer.

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off.

Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today.

Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different?

Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete.

Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews!

Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes,

Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye.

Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity.

But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty,

Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on! Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go. Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.

That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein?

I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick?

See you, Uh, Rick, I think we should allgo. Tend to your garden, kids. I'm kind of doing a thing here. Whoo! Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you, Oh, my god, you guys. I get it. You're afraid the big, bad hive mind is gonna steal your grandpa away. Actually, no. I think Unity's great and you're a horrible influence on it.

Huh. Okay. I must say, Summer, lthought your grandfather's outburst would have disrupted business, but this is the best weekend I've had since Salem. Nice. "Wholesome Delight" for lunch? - Is that the vegan place? - Yeah, I love their soup, I'm kind of soup-ed out. Mrs. Tate, is it? What do you desire?

Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on!

My name is Marty Smith, from Earth dimension C-137. I know you're scared, because /'m scared. But that's no reason to accept our fate! We're Mortys! We're not defined by our relationships to Rick! Our destiny is our own! This sounds like something the one true Marty might say. I'm sick of being a human shield.

LINCOLER: Please, stop!

I like hanging out. Tiny Rick!

Wow, What do you know? Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg. Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty, And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry, and the Zigerions got nothing of mine.

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty!

Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings!

Where'd you come from?

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

I love you. [processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty,

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses.

Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why --

How? They took my portal gun.

I'm posting this online, like, right now.

What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!

Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage!

Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense! Or maybe there's only one deceiver here --

I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband!

Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents,

Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick.

I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human.

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty,

You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

"Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.

What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this.

lfyou'd stop being such an evangelical atheist,

Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy? Summer, you're a bad person. All you care about is having popular people like you.

Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down.

Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing.

cactus, shark, golden retriever,

He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester!

Hooray Principal Vagina!

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh. Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

J, I hurt myselftoday J, f woman speaking gibberish ] For English, press 2 [ beep) Connecting to agent. W O M A N ', Ongoing investigations. Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez,

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me!

like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?

They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap!

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

Everybody stop remembering!

You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun?

Rick!

They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine.

Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob.

Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo!

But we do howl We do now, sucka!

Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship.

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.

See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

Where's the van, Marty? It's over the horizon in the driveway.

and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!!

I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens.

It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage! Do you mean this? Summer for for the win. All right, that should do it, Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself. Whoa! Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time. Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long?

Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine.

Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing.

Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk,

Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know,

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what?

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?

There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane.

RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved.

There was a seven-horse collision,

- Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it.

l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

J, It feels good J,

I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood!

W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

Holy --

Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what?

scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.

I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever.

Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one.

I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors.

It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf.

J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,

What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in.

You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family!

Boo! Not cool!

You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture. You got that right.

Noooooo!

There's a giant in the clouds!

Oh, my God, he exploded!

But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys.

Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak, more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs -- one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory.

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it!

Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me?

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?!

J, I want it real J, J, Are you afraid of me now? J, JV J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel that I can see your soul? J, J, Do you feel it? J,

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole.

Jerry, get a job.

'cause our weeds are wack, yo. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here. l "c an't"? Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean? Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect.

Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner--

Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?

My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering. Smith Jr/s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father,"

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention, there are extensive medical records open on my desktop, and I trust you to confine your activities.., to the purely pornographic. Absolutely! Good luck. My god!

That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd.

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

Leave me alone. I'm working. Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy, and then y-y-you help 'em? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together.

No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect. Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? Yes, we discovered a species oftiny pig off the coast of New Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west. We'd offer you some,

That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate.

You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him.

Clever twist.

So, let's say 60 smidgens.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty!

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.

I'll get my jacket. Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny.

Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh... We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez!

Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm.

Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.

Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie?

Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine.

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em. Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone. No, no, no, no. Rotary. And pay phone on half.

Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf--

Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend.

You're just a symptom of it, Can I show you something? Morty, no offense... but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident. That out there? That's my grave. Wait, what? On one of our adventures.., Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one.

No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.

Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight.

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer.

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina.

It runs in the family. I can tolerate it,

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it,

Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. l have an idea.

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl!

Oh, thank God, Morty.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty!

All right, that's it, We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day. Ooh, family vacation!

What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?

Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties.

I smell the violation of civil liberties!

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Pluto is...

We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God!

What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor?

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

My lust! My greed!

With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice. What in the hell? Sex sells, Marty, Sex sells what? Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff?

You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything.

lwish this desk was lighter. I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3.

That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today.

They work for each other, Marty,

Na,

burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue?

Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about?

Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?!

It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

and clothing stores have sweatshops. Is there a company hiring teenagers that isn't evil? This is my first job. You've been nice to me, Mr. Needful. You respect me. Please, call me "The Devil." I'd rather not, actually. Yes, perhaps not during business hours. I told you, I want to file a declaration that Pluto is a planet.

What the hell?

Leave him alone, Brad.

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay?

He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Stay. What do you want?

55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews!

Yes. Yeah!

Dad, please. What are you saying? Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them --

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!

- Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.

Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding.

Oh, my god,

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom.

lwish your mother was here to eat them.

I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad.

Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! l-l-ls that why you're doing this, you don't want me and Rick to be happy? No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know?

but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast. Well, I thought I'd walk to the South Pole and do a little bit of exploring. Ifyou guys need me, just yell or throw something so hard that it goes around the world and hits me. Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world, Please, he's in the South Pole!

iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son.

You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight.

Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

Losing him. Stabilized. Okay, I only ask, Jerry, because, as you know, my job involves performing heart surgery. Well, yeah, on horses. Excuse me? Okay. Let's not rehash t/ratfight, I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. Whoa! What is this on the floor?

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying.

You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

if my parents are still out of town and if we can have a party! All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you? Ohh! He's asking if Tiny Rick will be here. Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party?

I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going. Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty?

W O M A N ', Ongoing investigations.

Fine. Sheesh.

I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories,

Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.

It's over the horizon in the driveway. J, I hurt myselftoday J,

I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --

Aah! Don't think about it!

Sex is sacred!

Wow, you sure found this guy quick, Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective. Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick,

- You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! This place is the worst! I want to go home! Well, it really doesn't matterwhat youwant, because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears!

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.

I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

"Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically.

Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face!

Revenge.

Pluto is... ...not a planet.

Guys, Mom and Dad are, like,

He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing.

You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one.

And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, "

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through. You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.

No, you can't!

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country,

Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know, Are we sure we wanna look at our own alternate lives? You're right. Maybe we should just play Yahtzee. Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you.

Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!

Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long? I don't know. How long do you guys want? A week? A month?

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing.

lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity.

Rubber baby baby bunkers!

BETH: So, Dad, guess what tomorrow is,

Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying.

Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?

W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s? What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?

You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

Did you want to play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house!

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here!

These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips. RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all. Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it!

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it, ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th,

All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small.

Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars.

Are you mad?! Everybody, in here! Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,

You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra,

Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt.

Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!

SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true.

Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up! Hold it! Don't move! Stay back! This watch turns people into snakes! Oh!

What are you doing, Marty? This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory, but Grandpa and government don't get along. ALIEN: He saved my life. - What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" --

improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes.

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family.

Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson.

J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty,

Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond."

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty,

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs.

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane!

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff?

Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser. Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being.

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J,

It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,

All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

- Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah!

What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species, Beta Seven. Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice. Unity,

Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season.

The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies,

Your failures are your own, old man.

This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great.

Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!

Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers,

Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four, the galaxy's most successful couples' counseling institute.

That's too bad.

I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly.

You're right. Kill Pencilvester. Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why? Sundown is when the festival begins. The festival? Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war,

Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am -- Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live?

A2, 3,4!

- English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.

Come on! Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay!

I got something for your ass.

Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know,

NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end. Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

JERRY: Try not to worry about it, Marty, You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. You're missing the point, Dad. I don't want girls. I want Jessica. Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica.

Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '

You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that.

I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before.

One last stop, Where's the helicopter? There is no helicopter. And there is no Cervine Institute. But the top deer surgeon-, I'm looking at her. Thanks for teeing me up like that. You better get moving. These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work.

This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!? Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry!

You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook. A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.

Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe. FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful.

BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art.

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent,

W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards.

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working.

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?!

Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk...

Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple!

Rick, I know you're in there!

After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Good bye. Yeah! We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now!

Alexand--

You want to check it out?

RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!

J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive?

You can't leave. You're 17. Yeah, and I'm not pregnant.

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing.

Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir.

what do you think? You're fired. Wha-- But t-this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation. Well, then, it was a terrible simulation. Get out. Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J, J, It doesn't match your face J, J, Get them away, away from this place J,

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it, and how do we spend the rest of it?

Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in yourway? Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits!

COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137, the council apologizes for its false accusation, and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time.

I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

Up next, the heat is turning up with Samantha and the Boys on "The Northsiders. "

JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need.

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!

Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together. Dude, are you -- w-- you're being a dick, right? Oh, gosh, l-l hope not. l-l-l-l-l-l wouldn't want to offend you in any way. You're really a Rick? Y-- of course I am --

That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la."

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Marty!

You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick.

So who's homesick? By applause.

l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty?

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Oh, you made it!

You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya,

I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.

' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!

Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking. Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally -- we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh?

I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you.

Right now.

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday!

Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning.

I'm starving.

That's beautiful. You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No!

J, Everybody seems so far away from me J, J, Everybody just wants to be free J,

I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain.

Loud and clear, Annie.

I'm sure it's good enough. Move!

I'm just saying, it's bad craftsmanship. BETH: Coffee time! RICKS: Yo, yo, yo, yo! That's what I like to hear! Hi, Jerry. Leave me alone. I'm working. Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow!

That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on?

Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world.

But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so --

Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

You're kidding me. Notice anything different?

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain.

I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate.

Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down.

Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir?

and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point,

Droppin' loads. ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield,

You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

No! Oh shit.

Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines --

Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure. Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty!

Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can, RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick?

I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles.

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome!

I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow !

Balls.

Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch.

Are you guys Power Rangers,

Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance...

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Wubba lubba dub dubs!

Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served.

See you at the Olympics,

f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

ln here.

Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done.

Good luck.

- Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick.

Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!

That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty,

Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!

That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community. May my chores complete me as I complete them.

You stupid bitch.

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet?

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.

I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty?

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem.

and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible.

'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room where none ofthe people whose stuff I stole can get to us, Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples.

J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome! Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty,

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

- Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people? Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own? I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off,

Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better.

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!!

Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place.

I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh?

I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry.

who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?

All right, listen, Jerry. lf Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location. You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality,

Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art.

Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.

You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts!

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler?

We don't have time for mojitos. - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! This place is the worst! I want to go home! Well, it really doesn't matterwhat youwant, because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears!

Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

You little piece of shit.

Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there.

Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say.

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick?

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

Spaghetti, kangaroos? l’ve gotta check this place out.

The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place. You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun. Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty,

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to --

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke! Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,

Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

You're a surgeon -- a human surgeon. Yay, you win.

Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.

This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever,

I'm starving.

I love you. [processing, powering up f

No! Get out of my head, parasite! No!

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

I can't...| can't...

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,

All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis. Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here? Okay, Jerry. Let's head home. I can't leave now. Everyone hates me.

Jerry!

Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

Ugh! Arrgghh! Ah! Uhhhhh! Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal? Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect!

I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god,

J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad. You're a genius at that. Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son.

No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks!

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that!

Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Wait. What?

I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours.

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe.

Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?

lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store.

A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi.

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes,

I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years? Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases.

- Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome.

Ow! I'm defeated.

He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna."

J, But we make sure they see the sun J, J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

No! No! Ow!

Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J,

Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane!

You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty,

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now?

"Bitch."

What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?!

Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.

All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it.

Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what. Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something.

ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky.

and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses,

I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God!

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

Great President. All right, let's go.

I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right.

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you!

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf--

Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

These halves don't belong together, bitch!

Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,

I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract!

Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh?

l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap!

Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.

Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children!

Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty. Jerry, what are you -- what are you doing in here? I'm trying to find our weed whacker, 'cause our weeds are wack, yo. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here. l "c an't"? Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do?

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you.

Dad, there he is! Oh, god, Hey, stop that! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad! Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad.

Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

- Do you love it? - I love it.

up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever,

Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery.

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles!

Oh, my god!

but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there, but I know us, and you're real, Jerry. Remember our vacation?

We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons. I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on.

What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.

Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad.

So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.

Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.

I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food.

Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins! Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat --

Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses.

and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too. Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today?

What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league.

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards. COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137,

they -- they look like your friends, your family, your leaders, but they're not themselves anymore. They're part of...it. Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married!

Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch.

Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace.

Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that?

My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves,

So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure.

Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid,

Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system. That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

W-w-w-what is it?

- Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you. Jerry, it's your house -- whatever you say it is is how it is -- but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door.

i 'm sure i ii fast unity species after species and ne ver really be complete, FEMALE PRESIDENT: But I know how It goes with us. iiose who iam and become part ofyou. Because in a strange way, you’re better at what i do without even trying Yours, and nobody eise 's, Unity.

And if not, like you say, no more adventures or whatever. It's like that old song "Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop." Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares?

J, Cosmos without hatred J,

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty,

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.

Hey, i 'm Stealy, Follow me on my adventure through this office. All right, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things.

Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

Oh, my god!

Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

J, Space, space, space, space J,

Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer. Oh, my god, Toby Matthews is asking...

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!

That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry. Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect.

Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy.

My -- my -- my -- my man!

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you.

I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

You did it again, cubbie. Come here.

GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

I don't think the Gromflamites can track us now, but it looks like we're gonna be here for a while. Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it?

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty,

Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal!

Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw. Mr. Needful, how could you even think of doing something so horrible? I'm the devil. What should I do when I fail -- get myself an ice cream? You haven't failed.

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.

Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times.

Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power.

I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down!

I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not.

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

And now I'm -- I help people. I save people. I'm a troublesome octopus person. Uh-Oh. I gotta save some trouble 'cause here comes a trouble mite. SUMMER: Gross! Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah!

Look at this -- you beat cancer,

That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.

We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father.

Oh, my Gad,

I ask you to do one thing!

I am drawing a line, okay?

This is a candid shot. I don't require a camera so -- Sorry.

Aw, hell, no, dawg.

Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight?

Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg.

Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick?

Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

Wait, what?

This is a Meeseeks Box.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah.

Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right.

This? This is a losing battle. Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married! I mean, what do you think's gonna happen if you open yourself up a little bit? I mean, look around. This is your family and friends all around you, you know? Take the day off. There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight. That's his last name.

Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right?

You're crying? Over a Marty?

Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it,

A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine. Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore.

Why are you doing this?

But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things,

Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What? Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash,

Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone,

You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe.

Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair, so you can make an army of your badass self? There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are!

God damn it! God damn it!!

It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.

You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it.

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars.

Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists.

It's hard for people to grasp,

I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy.

Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them?

Depending on my aim,

Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.

ALIEN: He saved my life. - What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart.

that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier!

Oh, he -- he's looking a lot better. RICK: Listen, Beth, don't torture yourself. I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale. ls, um, is he mad at me? He's not pressing charges. I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad.

Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back!

Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.

I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,

Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us, And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.

Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

Y-- of course I am --

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

No! No! Ow!

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it.

Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No! No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Yeah. Totally. Let's go.

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time.

Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time?

A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius.

The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty!

Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all. What's that? Who's that baby?

No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars.

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened,

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things.

Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park.

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

Scalpel. Scalpel. Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one ofthree meals that have existed for millennia.

Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty,

Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah!

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it,

Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.

It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy!

Not today, bitch!

Oh, my god!

Yes. Yes!

You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,

Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no.

But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.

Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt --

J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J, J, It doesn't match your face J, J, Get them away, away from this place J, J, Can you take me now? J,

Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids? I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same. All right, okay, fair is fair. lfyou do extra work, you get extra food. Oh,

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad!

Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week. Unity, could you get Rick out here, please? He's unavailable. He's... having sex with you. We get it. Grass,

Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up?

Ugh! Arrgghh! Ah! Uhhhhh! Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that...

Rick and Summer of Earth,

Excuse me. Come on. Please, everyone, I have news about Shrimply Pibbles. Word of Jerry Smith trying to weasel out of his penis donation has spread across the galaxy. Beings everywhere have come together to offerwhat little they have to help save Shrimply's life.

I like your feathers. They are designed to attract the attention of the female. It's working.

This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook. A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry.

Aah! Huh? What the fuck?

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship.

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go!

You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you. Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy? Not a bad trade for spider peace.

Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many.

I'm sick of being a human shield. l-l-l w-- I want to be a gardener! I want to write really crazy, intense action novels! I'm more than just a hammer! He is the one true Marty! Hooray! The one true Marty! Hey, keep it down!

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity?

Owl, Oof! Ugh!

I love you, too, Terry. Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him. Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know...

You have to get us the fuck outta here.

Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter?

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt --

You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax. Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?

I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. Well, I'm intervening.

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity?

I'm kidding. I know that's on me. Um, Rick! RICK: Shit. Well, I guess this is it. Marty, crack the window. I wonderwhy Greg is always so critical of my girlfriend. Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself.

He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up,

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy. You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No!

You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one. J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J,

Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty,

J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold,

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad.

It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence! Your slave is ill-mannered.

Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean? Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up,

Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up,

uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo...

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain.

Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh! If you 're from Earth, that means we’re getting married! Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson! What the hell is a Birdperson? He's Rick's best friend. Uh, l-let's not get carried away, Marty, Would you like to RSVP or send a gift? No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,

Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay.

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here! Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name?

H-hello? Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it.

I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah!

Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh!

Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. You got to get those seeds out of your ass. Oh, look, honey.

Nancy told us what a bitch you are.

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly.

Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.

I just want to go back to hell,

Let's find a control room or something. JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it. lfyou can find one, too, we should be safe for hours, maybe days!

Hey, you want to give us a hand with this? We're trying to figure out how to get the sound coming through the stereo instead of the TV, l-l-lt's very difficult. Oh! Uh, well, is there an aux input? We tried that, but there's two different colors. But there's two different colors.

not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff,

W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible! Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats, but you get -- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put them in agonizing pain, that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker.

All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously. Uh-oh, Marty, Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss? Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty,

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States.

Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing!

God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it,

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!

RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god, Well, I did my job. Summer did herjob.

Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying.

Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. ..

I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch? Jerry, I believe that, if you hide by yourself, you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right.

Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good."

Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school.

Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What?

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

- No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

So what? BOTH: "So what?"

Diabolic son of a motherf-- We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto." And a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry? Pluto is a planet. Well, how about that.

l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then.

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred.

Uh, actually, you know what?

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh,

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great.

Aw, Thank you.

This is Roger and Annie.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.

Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad!

- What? - Nothing. Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean. Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know,

Noooooo!

I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch."

I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS.

Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby.

All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go.

It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take --

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

Everybody stop remembering!

I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.

See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg.

Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

on this robot's home world, which is... Gazcorpazcorp in the Andromeda system. Scoot, Summer. Don't you need a new companion now that Morty's in the family way? I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick! Yeah, yeah.

and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place,

This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other.

MORTY: Oh! Oh! Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people.

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it!

Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff,

It's on the house. Oh, and, uh,

You don't care about me at all! I'm no different than that jacket you've got on! Y-Y-Y-- o-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! l-l-l'm just an object! Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Marty, Now, for the love of god, be quiet.

- Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up?

Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh!

W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

Scalpel. Scalpel. Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch.

Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all.

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did,

Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

school is stupid.

It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.

I'm Jerry Smith. All right. I'll just...get to the pitch. Um, simple question, gentlemen, what are apples? Excuse me. Ahh, What are apples? Apples are food.

You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird.

Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.

Where'd you come from? My -- my -- my grandpa Rick sent me!

Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?!

No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive.

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song,

What are -- what are you, nuts?

A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream?

Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

It's a good-a show!

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die!

but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!

Seven. . . keep away from that personal space. Eight, personal space. Nine, personal space. You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space.

Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter.

Was I one ofthose guys? The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards, Well... I got you pregnant.

Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer.

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise.

Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside.

Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry.

- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see.

This here is my grandson, Marty,

Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice. Hey, Marty, there's our Jerry.

Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you.

More are coming.

Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me?

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class?

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.

the council apologizes for its false accusation, and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4! Rick, Marty, lce-T, the timetable's moved up,

I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.

What is my purpose? You pass butter.

It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus.

Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood.

Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

- How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful.

That's beautiful. You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man.

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross!

and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face?

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate. Well, we want to make it work, if we can, It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know, gonna get a divorce? I think it's okay to dream, Marty,

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty!

Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.

What's that, Marty? I think you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out.

Oh, shit. We got tiny people,

J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J, J, It's a small, small intestine J,

f honks horn f Son of a bitch.

to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.

W-we're going on a quest, okay? RICK: Can't wait. Ahem. Excuse me! We are two humble heroes in search of adventure! Oh, my God, so embarrassing. At last! Two heroes! You must help us! This village is terribly poor, yet the giant that lives in the clouds above has untold treasures!

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new?

Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama '

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich!

Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.

You know why? Uh, because it's lame?

Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine. I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this?

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

He's the best.

Beta Seven, if my allies are a problem for you, perhaps our alliance is, as well. Our alliance is beneficial. When Beta Seven expresses concern, it -- it's only be-because -- RICK: Oh, snap! Powdered neutronium? Amphetetron? You know I can make with this stuff? Oh, Rick, I -- I shouldn't. Come on. It's not every day that I'm town.

All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad? l'm ignoring you. Marty, if I can get to the top ofthat lighthouse,

lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room,

Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me,

Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Good bye.

but less off-putting. Oh, shiiit! It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson. Must be time for his annual Oscar party. And, by the way, our TV signals take light years to reach his planet. Nobody tell him that "Braveheart" wins. [music plays f Greetings, This is Birdperson. And Tammy! Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh!

Step on W We all got places to be! f honks horn f Son of a bitch. Oh, that must be where he lives. Okay. RICK: Huh. He's making himselfa sandwich now. Hey, everybody. So, this is my house.

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up,

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts!

RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases? Hey, doc.

Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now?

Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.

The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them!

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

Disqualified!

Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's --

Holy crap! God damn!

Hold on, sir. Just a minute. lce-T survived. He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours.

It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

Never. Back in a flash.

What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it! I'm trying! It's too late. Ladies and gentlemen... don't brace yourselves.

We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me.

So, what are you -- like, the devil?

We're so screwed! Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed.

The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!

Grandpa Rick, where are we going? Well, obviously, Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar? Ticketmaster. Oh, there -- there we go, Summer. Hey -- hey, brother. Hey, bra,

Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now.

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Oh, that must be where he lives.

Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve,

Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe. And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right.

What is my purpose? Pass the butter.

And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get --

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.

Look at -- look at this.

You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture. Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs,

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this.

No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work? Somebody dropped the dime on us. Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high.

Hey, Rick. You know, this whole time, I haven't once heard you say that "wubba Iubba dub dub" thing that you usually say. Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!

you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know? Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir.

Okay, with all due respect, Rick --

fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today,

Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion.

Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind.

Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!

Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items?

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer.

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline.

Gosh, I look around this room, and I think,

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit.

Summer!

This next one's coming straight from the heart. Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head.

J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me.

Nice.

Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under -- Uh, what? It was your job, Marty, - Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer. I got to back the "M" bomb on this one. I remember the conversation. We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man.

Cronenberg Morty.

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty,

Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben.

Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh?

Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

Jerry, get a job.

Whoa! Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!

So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names?

there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living.

Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around,

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!

Free of charge. One never pays here -- not with money. Nothing to read into there. Thanks! Sorry I'm late, Mr. Needful. This is my grandpa, Rick. He was just leaving. Huh. Tell me, Rick, what do you desire? Eh, I make my own stuff.

l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

What a waste of a monkey paw.

I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick,

Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun?

What the hell happened?

Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty --

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l,

- Rick! - Pants!

He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand.

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty,

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick!

Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance? Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time? Tiny Rick, this conversation is gonna break my heart wide open.

They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends. I guess that's the end ofthat. There is just one more thing. According to this state's Veterinarian statute,

It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!

And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter? Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention. To a conversation about vampires?! Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires, because I wasn't paying attention, which you would know,

Ugh! Arrgghh! Ah! Uhhhhh! Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal?

Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth?

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

For the love of god, get dressed!

Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it, Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume,

All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now.

They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity,

I'm feeling... Ugh. Oh, man, let me help all of you guys up. ALL: I'm fine. Do you know what I love about you, Rick? You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture.

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in,

- You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!

Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson. Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six. Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!

I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."

Quite an operation you got going here, Une.

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry.

Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity,

Ohh. Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you.

Hey, Rick. I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out? Whatever. Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.

And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve. Yawn.

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful.

Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me!

You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music,"

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.

Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me.

Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon? Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty,

Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven...

No! No! Ow!

Mm, there is no God, Summer.

All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions!

See? There's little R2-D2s where the George Washingtons should be. You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters.

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations.

Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more.

Jerry Smith? Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school. I hate acting. I hate cocaine. I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been. J, Give me a name J,

with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry.

Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam!

I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it...

I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica.

LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry? Uh, almost. I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes. I'm sure it's good enough. Move! Every weekend, Jacks and Roses have their Titanic experience in this car, and lhave to mop it up, The floor drops out to make it easier. But now it's my turn.

I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty,

You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school!

I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something?

NO wrong answers.

Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry.

wacky scientists, you know?

Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!

What are the kitties to do but buckle together and work as a team F Mrs. Sullivan, l -- please, forgive me for being forward, but your eyes are so beautiful. Wait. This is an actual movie? This fall, sparks Will fly... Mrs. Sullivan. Ohh.

Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out!

- English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.

I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance? I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. Ohh! No, Morty Jr.! Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you!

I'm a good person. No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky.

starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Gar Ma Nar Nar, three, um, um, um... i ll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all,

- I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion,

They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s?

That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it?

Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school.

I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was Kitt. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them.

Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons.

I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake.

The thing. The thing.

Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story.

i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me?

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No,

Infinite timelines.

You haven't failed. People like Rick are making me obsolete. I mean, seriously. I may be "the devil," but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell, where everyone thinks I'm smart and funny. No! It's not fair. Everyone in this town got something they wanted from you -- even Rick.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty, And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry, and the Zigerions got nothing of mine. Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes.

Aah! Unh! Class dismissed.

W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.

Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos.

Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little. Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks.

Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

All right! I like your squanch!

RICK: Listen, Beth, don't torture yourself. I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale. ls, um, is he mad at me? He's not pressing charges. I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad. Can he have visitors? He'd like to be alone.

What kind of Christmas is this?

There's no time to squanch!

Like talking to a brick wall.

Let'sjust find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Marty, Proceed to the liver. ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat... ...liven Ow! ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick.

I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Hey, what are you in tar?

Ooh, family vacation! Did you get any of that?

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know?

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves!

That'll keep 'em busy for a while. Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer.

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on?

My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.

H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field.

I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest-- - Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.

Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god.

I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here.

Fine, whatever. Marty, stay. Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay!

Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai!

I think I know what the "A" in NASA stands for. - Dad, what's your endgame? - Ain't no game, sucka. Why don't we just make the solar system with eight planets? It's even easier. Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round? Science isn't always easy, Morty. Whoa! Whoa!

J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty.

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!

No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here!

and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful.

Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die?

What the fuck is going on?

if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role, Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist. That's Earth therapy.

I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry!

Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.

What's new at school?

Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.

Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go! Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick.

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend.

Kill him!

Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving.

Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white,

And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute.

In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know.

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

I need five minutes.

See that?

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, "

How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch! I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that! Stay. What do you want?

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five.

at our wedding and guess what.

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes!

Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide. Well, you can hide with us, Rick? - Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me?

RICK: I'm almost there, Marty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States.

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that.

I'm not.

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha?

MAN: And there's the approach. Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute.

Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle. Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"!

lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit.

Hit the sack, Jack.

Thanks, Rick, but I don't know if I should. You know, you were right about the Universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place. Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know. This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Marty style. Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally.

He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis!

You got that right. But, baby, listen -- Y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to -- got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know? I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay.

All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '

It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.

so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,

Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.

Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.

Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing.

I'll be in the garage. J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J,

Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir? - Holy hell. - Sir! Hold your fire!

Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap!

Well, w-what did you think, Marty? Life just developed on Earth by itself? Here, let me take care of this. Geez, Rick, that's disgusting. I don't wanna look at that. Yeah, guess I'm out of fluid. L-Let me find a place to stop. Hey, muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet,

from his march on Flirk Blirk Square to his ongoing battle with heroin dependency.

"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story,

This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great.

W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee,

What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem?

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that!

No! No! Ow!

Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday! Well, did you even consider how that might make me feel?! How you feel?!

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done.

J, Give me a name J, J, Hear my faith J,

That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me!

JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

J, Where's your hands? J,

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us.

J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J, J, Goes away in the end J, J, You could have it all J,

He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday. MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10!

who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death.

inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh... We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time.

How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two."

I wish!

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?

Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.

it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.

I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying.

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty -- one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they --

Oh shit. Oh shit.

J, Hear my faith J, J, Seal my fate J, J, And when you breathe J,

Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now, Ohh, man.

Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.

Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no.

U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax.

Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?

Open the door! Open the door! Open the door!

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!!

It's just, you know, when he was 30, she was an actual child. When he was her age, she wasn't born. When he was, let's see, like, 18, she was literally in there in yourwomb. Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth?

J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch!

...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out.

Uh, just so you're prepared,

Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.

These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

Summer, I've always loved you!

Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game?

Dear god. Hold on, sir. Just a minute. lce-T survived. He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours. Good luck, Mr. President. Sir, the magnetic poles are about to reverse. In two hours, there may not be an Earth to save. Sanchez? Are you a musician? l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51.

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

l extracted it from a vole.

All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back!

Seven. . .

Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end.

Come on, Morty.

The general store ought to have what you need.

RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card. She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off.

Lookin' good. Slow down! My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Well, herwaistline isn't. Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free. You're saying I should leave Jerry.

We're sorry for our increased levels of emissions and our racism and, of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

So, what do you think? You wanna... keep this marriage going a while longer? At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way --

Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh !

You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty? Any idea what that is down there? The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are. lfwe would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because y-- because you're so in love with school. All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty,

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah!

he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

Well, obviously, Summer,

But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love --

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?

What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.

I got to tell you, this morning, I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.

You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this,

"Bitch."

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty,

I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap!

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What?

Fun facts about this one --

He tried to kill himself.

Titanic- themed getaway.

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size,

l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy!

You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards.

including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!

SUMMER: Gross! Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know? Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with,

I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her.

Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks!

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out.

Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist.

I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two?

Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

They blew up,

But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable.

Ooh, nice! I think we'll take our food to go. No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer.

That's planning for failure, Marty, Even dumber than regular planning. Balls.

Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now. Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it.

I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great.

l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it.

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get --

ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that.

I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes.

I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh,

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah!

l was your only friend, and I get nothing? Okay. I'll give you one thing. Name it. I want to help you. Clever twist. I learned from the best, you old fart. Now, let's go get you hydrated. Looks like we've got... haunted boxing gloves that wril make you the heavyweight champion in 1936,

Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right.

It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you.

Great. Nice work, Morty. Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer?

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick.

All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever,

Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me.

Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud.

MAN: L//' Bits! ...where the food is tiny. It looks like regular food, but really tiny.

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this!

BLANE: Maybe I don't need a new friend. JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need. BLANE: Need, or want? JACEY: I've never been much forwanting. BLANE: Spoken like someone with needs. Oh, geez. Hmm? Uh, sorry. K-Keep going. "Jacey reaches out and touches his face.

but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks,

powering our homes and businesses, improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there.

You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.

There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time!

20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being,

body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door, it's an invitation to let go of the body and an opportunity to share and experiment. Dad, please. What are you saying? Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it

J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water...

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.

Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out. You know what? I'm taking this.

You know what I mean?

Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?

Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.

Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay.

Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...

undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot.

The student becomes the teacher.

I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back. Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you?

Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!

l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?!

Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice.

Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see,

The nipple hole. It's beautiful. Oh, no! Holy crap!

Rick. We'll have two Bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is.

Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.

l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what?

I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer."

Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds. They're -- they're incredibly powerful,

Holy crap! God damn!

JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly --

What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

How do you -- what is this? Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!

Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet. We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it.

Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

You guys are doing it wrong,

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman.

I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

- We're tourists. - Not anymore.

What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch!

And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet?

I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale.

Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario --

It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals. Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job! Seize them! Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer? This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man!

lfyou could all just stop screaming and chanting and making whatever that gesture means -- Excuse me. Come on.

Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho!

Hmm.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect. I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me. I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry.

Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out.

That's strange.

Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck.

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue.

Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh. See you,

RICK: He doesn't care.

Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty, And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry,

You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

Of course Pluto's a planet, son, I learned that in the third grade. Well, yeah, but you know they changed it. Marty, nobody changed the planets. I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet. They changed it in 2006, Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree?

Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it,

Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal!

Good birdie.

String Theory, World History, the Human Genome --

Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that,

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you.

Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?

Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn,

I am here if you need to talk. I am here if you need to talk. From here, we dispense mechanical surrogates to maintain our population. Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most.

Fine. I'll just do it myself.

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day. You just might. W-what do you mean? These are the Jerrys whose Ricks and Mortys never came back.

Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options,

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose?

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we --

I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you?

has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you,

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah!

Wait. Destroy it.

Oh, my God, so embarrassing.

...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch?

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler.

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,

Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse!

Oh!

What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

That's what I think of your crystals, Rick! Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks!

Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!

Oh shit.

If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this?

Yes, Morty?

mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..?

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!

you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk.

They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine.

Are you tired of the same daily droii? Well, get on over to Blips and Chitz! We got, uh, one game. We got a Whole bunch of games here. You can -- we got Chabos and Flobos, and you can shoot thingsl Get over here! Play the games! Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets! "Ro y 2"just got here.

ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat... ...liven Ow! ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great.

J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa!

Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it,

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

FART: The wormhole is 70 of what you call "meters" what you call "North" of what you call "Here."

Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J,

All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.

They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding.

I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that! Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry.

When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16.

I'm a certified horse surgeon,

by implying /'m competitive? lfthe shoe fits. My shoe fits up your ass. You wish! RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday! JERRY: Oh! Jerk. Don't insult my father. He's the reason our kids are only half-stupid. Ha! You just called yourself -- Oh, - Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four.

Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination.

MORTY: I gotta tell you, Rick. It's pretty great... to be in this spaceship, just the two of us, you know? Just cruising around, Rick and Marty style. I agree, Marty, It's nice to get back to the basics after a pretty intense, mixed-bag of a year. - Ohh! - Relax. That's what windshields are for. I didn't know that there were bugs out in space.

- Out. - Whatcha doin'? Well, I can't solve the problem my way, thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups. Gross. I might havejust touched one of Morty's loads. But maybe I can find suitable parents for Marty Jr, on this robot's home world, which is... Gazcorpazcorp in the Andromeda system. Scoot, Summer. Don't you need a new companion

Hey, there, stranger.

Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us, And that's it,

Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.

What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation.

You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty?

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this?

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant!

...Morty waves,

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass.

l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth.

This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty,

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

Back the fuck up!

Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh! If you 're from Earth, that means we’re getting married! Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson! What the hell is a Birdperson? He's Rick's best friend. Uh, l-let's not get carried away, Marty, Would you like to RSVP or send a gift? No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,

Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

What a life.

I ask you to do one thing!

Holy shit. What happened?

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy?

Oh, boy, Morty. Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick.

Race war! Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh?

Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree!

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second.

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome.

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick?

J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!

W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick?

but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there, but I know us, and you're real, Jerry. Remember our vacation?

No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. No!

Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think.

Scary stuff, huh? Pretty freaky. Hi. I'm Morty's math teacher. I'm also part ofthe street team inviting folks to the church downtown so we can pray together. How is praying going to help? Ma'am, a giant head in the sky is controlling the weather. Did you want to play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house!

I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it...

Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut? Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day?

It's raining blood!

The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.

Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I --

grounded story about their shitty marriage.

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, It's still raining up here J,

Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day. You just might. W-what do you mean? These are the Jerrys whose Ricks and Mortys never came back. They live here now. Uh,

God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it? I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart. I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.

Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way -- Already lost interest. Get in the car.

undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch.

I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves!

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy.

It's a good-a show!

Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.

Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon?

There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night. l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?

Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?"

- What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips.

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez!

Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer.

BOTH: Tiny Rick!

Me, too. RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!

Jerry, go ahead and sit there and put this on. This machine isolates the part ofthe subject's brain containing all perceptions of its romantic partner. And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life.

There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night.

Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run"

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity,

I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life.

Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world,

Yes, Marty,

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

All right, I'm gonna go to the roof and set things up, Marty, you listen to his tale. Okay. "Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story,

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?

He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.

U nity?

I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues?

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve,

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.

Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.

Two brothers in a van,

This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever.

Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and l have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore Free-fi to Fo-home. W-what the hell is he talking about? They're free to go, is what I meant. l-l-l'm deconstructing our -- our -- our thing we say. For giants. Nobody got that?

What's that dipshit doing out there?

undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

Hey, Marty, let me -- let me -- let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."

Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God.

the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing?

Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.

You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick!

Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we've done.

Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right!

Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels?

Uh, I thought you learned that by now.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die!

Why is everything always happening to you?! Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man. I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes.

Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.

Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever.

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!

It's the middle of the night.

Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls. You know, you girls are really something, I'll tell you that. You know when we first go there, I was like -- Give them a ship now, Marty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay! What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside!

Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this.

He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot!

You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T!

Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most. Males... ...they get to play outside. That was just a baby.

Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Giant testicle monsters. We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

tn the news today, this tooks a tot worse than it is. We ’re reallyjust having a good time. Karen F Thanks, Todd, Up next, are you a concerned grandchild or fast a buzzkill? We W te// you how you can know for sure. I think you two are a little outnumbered. Okay, well, what if you did it for me? What if you came with us as a favor to us because you love us?

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English?

This representation displeases me. Aaah!

Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you.

Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school.

Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld.

Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank.

Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.

I think they're just good guys. Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J,

At least we can agree on that. Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation,

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.

Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy.

Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on. All right, I'm bored. Rick, is there a way for you to call Summer and Marty?

We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty,

The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train? Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go!

I'm a genius.

Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got!

All right, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance. Yeah, I'm just going to... check on your mom. Marty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Marty, It's gonna be great. Hey, listen, Rick. Y-Y-You know how you said that, you know, love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier?

I love watching bukkake.

- Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa!

J, This is not a dance J,

"I don't give a fuck!"

All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out,

l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival. Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!"

I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.

Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J,

Ah, damn. We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons.

'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look,

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?

I am not staring at you. I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. This is a candid shot. I don't require a camera so -- Sorry. Hi. I am not staring at you-,

That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed. Forget about the park, doctor!

You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10,9... All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic.

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time.

Aah! Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

What do you think of these things?

Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick!

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J,

I hate acting. I hate cocaine. I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been. J, Give me a name J,

We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get --

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that.

Yeah, bra,

- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it,

but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory.

Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind?

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,

Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside! You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!

I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave.

Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am.

Cynthia. . . JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her?

Alexand--

I haven't learned a thing! Here.

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry. W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.

You, not me! You! - Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah!

Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

So, what -- y-y-y-y-you're just gonna give up?

I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about!

Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth.

Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?! Everybody, in here! Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.

Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah! Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind,

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me.

It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"?

Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face."

Marty! Summer! It's me! lt's Rick! Regular Rick!

What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick!

We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir.

- Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.

pathetic, white, white,

Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

- What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.

Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction! Geez, Morty. I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet. I don't want to talk about it. - Okay, guys, let's go home. - Where's Dad?

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah,

Pull the fucking trigger!

Where am I?! You're at a wedding. Go change. J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J, J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J, J, Fat beats and an alien smile J, J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J, J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J,

A rail system seems archaic for an attraction this impressive.

or...

RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon? Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now.

Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come.

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

Hey, these two freaks have no race! Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J,

Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,

uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

please give me a call.

RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty, Uh, where? The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.

How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards!

Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't.

It's really weird. It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Marty, Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins. I'll take two. Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me.

That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate. Well, we want to make it work, if we can, It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,

Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --

Now, for the love of god, be quiet. The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy. You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice.

Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.

You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.

I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about.

the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!

Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy. Our pleasure.

calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!

Yes, Marty,

All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day.

That would be illegal.

Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Is it autobiographical? Certainly. I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas --

Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick.

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough.

We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again?

Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax.

l'm Rick.

Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster! - I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying.

I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers.

You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass!

So, class dismissed. You've got the day off! All right! Good work, Mr. Goldenfold! Yeah, get outside. Read a book. Put on some sunscreen, Danielle! Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top. Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? No can do. Tonight's the big dance. And Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wing man.

Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

It's getting weird.

Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy!

So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid!

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick!

Eh, unless she has the flu.

J, Shit on the floor J,

There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light.

Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured?

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity,

Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.

so no more alien prisoners and no more subterranean excavation without consulting us,

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.

Just follow my lead.

The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations!

You know what? I'm taking this.

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah!

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick. ln here.

MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture.

You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles!

The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

- Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people.

Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick.

Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you, Oh, my god, you guys. I get it. You're afraid the big, bad hive mind is gonna steal your grandpa away. Actually, no. I think Unity's great and you're a horrible influence on it. What? This isn't healthy, Rick. You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know?

RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty,

That's the last straw!

Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about.

Now, where are these rich people? To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years. Wait, w-where is that music coming from?

Uh-oh.

Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now,

All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically.

Yeah. All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,

Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to --

All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! The name's not buddy.

What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.

Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck.

Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this, just because Grandpa Rick is? It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you --

Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me.

Oh, Jesus! Dale!

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J,

Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

Let's go, go, go, go!

and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.

Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty.

Oh, you're just loving this, mother-- this isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal. Unity's not into other hive minds. It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.

You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer!

ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity, powering our homes and businesses, improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned?

Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun?

Da,

You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land. Too fast. SUMMER:

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist.

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math,

You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick.

The Mega trees?

Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies.

You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us!

You will walk when it is time to walk. What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch!

Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins. I'll take two. Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery.

or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun!

Eh, I make my own stuff. So, what are you -- like, the devil? - What? Sorry? - I don't know. Store comes out of nowhere, all the shit's old and creepy. Are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun? Grandpa Rick! Hey, I'm notjudging. Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science. Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis.

Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please!

Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go.

Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them.

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

Wubba lubba dub dub!

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,

And the final ingredient...

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?!

Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick!

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Thank you very, very much. Great store. Great place. Bye.

Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl.

Summer's gonna like me again. Lincoler, come on! Let's get out of here! Mein journey is over, Marty, I have something important to tell you.

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain.

You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much. Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller."

I promise I'll call you every day I need money or a place to do laundry.

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god,

l squanch my family.

Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.

Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves,

Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season.

Oh...um... "Bitch."

I'm late to class, bitch!

Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear,

Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.

What the fuck is going on?

- Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh? Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson. Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.? Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel.

Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

Take him to Pluto-namo Bay. You can't kill the truth, father. What? I can see you're confused. Pluto-namo Bay is a military prison -- a sort of play on wards, Did he call you "father"? Scrcocopy Noopers, the anti-planet nut job, is your son?

You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these?

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

And now, another quick mystery.

Whoa! What did you do?

Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there?

Aah!

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move!

Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?

Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

Rick Sanchez! You psycho bag of squanch! Hey, what's up, Squanchy? Hey, Squanchy. Marty, Summer! And you must be Beth. Mwah! Ensquanche!

Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad. Let's find a control room or something.

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!

Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool.

And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it. With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice. What in the hell?

Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ...

Would you like to ride the bone train? Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go! Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot.

A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you.

I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute.

We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring.

This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name.

i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff,

Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing. Then Jacob came into our lives, and...we're learning to live again. All three of us, Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there.

Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else.

No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.

Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies,

Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class?

Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No!

I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah!

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative.

I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys.

You fucking kidding me, Marty?!

I just got bored.

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing!

You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying. I'll leave it at that. Fine, dad!

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck.

So, what are you -- like, the devil? - What? Sorry? - I don't know.

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,

Sally, the plate, please.

Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me!

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

BETH: What is that supposed to mean?

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife.

Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!

They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Rick!

and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so." Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on!

- A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream?

I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself.

I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right?

Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller." Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it, Wow ! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty, You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages.

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, There's still fountains down there J,

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris!

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.

How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine. Help! There is no escape, my son. We will find our peace in the next world,

J-J-J-- this is game over.

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand.

- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.

but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick!

J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel that I can see your soul? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J, J, I want it real J,

We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl.

And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am? S-Samantha. Please, mister! Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff. Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well?

l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ]

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Headward, free now to rise. Oh, yes! Yes! Rise to the giant Head! You are free to be free! And squeegee comes up from the garage, right? But he's got a lobster in one hand, the movie tickets in the other, he's like, "I'm ready!" You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn. We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons.

'cause I am nice so I gots to win J, J, Break bread with the enemy J, J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with, l'll break who you -- J, And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front. Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer?

The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

- Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!

Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick.

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck.

Fuck yeah, man.

You know you're kind of a dick, right?

And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved?

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right?

Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a --

Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands!

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures.

Still, what is he, 40? It's just, you know, when he was 30, she was an actual child. When he was her age, she wasn't born. When he was, let's see, like, 18, she was literally in there in yourwomb. Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that."

Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man!

I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you.

and I am too young to drive!

This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?

The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days.

I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life, you got to stop listening to yourself. Wow, You really are wise, Jerry. l-l-l guess that's why you work in advertising. The fact that you feel that way makes you the best Rick ofthem all.

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew!

so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!

This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.

We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet,

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we --

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime. Get it? You know, 'cause it's frozen. This has been so much fun.

who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you.

Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space.

The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody.

I guess it's back to the drawing board.

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat. No! No! Ow!

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick,

Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

You don't know me!

Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold, or is itjust me?

MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown! I just think it's time to get realistic.

6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

Have fun, you two. Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic.

You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel. I actually got that on another planet. So it is an alien towel to me. - Good luck. - Thanks.

Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.

Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now.

Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks.

MAN: Hey, how’s it going?

Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do!

Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship.

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room?

Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty,

I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?

Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00.

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got.

Good bye.

Look, maybe the shrink was right.

Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

"World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. Oh, goody. From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species.

Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8...

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh!

So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show.

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs,

Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet?

I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh.

You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different, none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work.

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

We'll have two Bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?

I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever.

I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die!

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela? Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"?

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith.

undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right.

At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging."

Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out. You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10,9... All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me.

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself!

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,

You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can --

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing.

You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!

Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out.

You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go. Well, terrific.

Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop,

Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,

I remember the conversation. We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours?

When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson. Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six. Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!

Oh, Jacob.

Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again.

Red alert! Ohhhhh!

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh?

ALL: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oof! Man up, Jerry!

If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged.

Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land. Too fast.

get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty,

'Cause I said so!

Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea.

Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite.

Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

No! Nobody's doing that!

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.

Okay, wait here. I want to come with. Don't come with. It's boring. lt's -- it's business stuff. What kind of business do you do in a garage? You know, this seems a little shady. Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty?

The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

- Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty, The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad! Uh, hold the phone. Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks?

I, um -- Jerry and I were looking for our weed whacker and found your subterranean lair and your alien prisoner,

Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits! ...where the food is tiny. It looks like regular food, but really tiny. You can put it in your mouth and eat it. Nothing gets stuck in your lips. It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie.

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.

Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing!

We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop?

Plutonians. Jerry Smith is a scientist from Earth, where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years. Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J,

Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world,

Are you telling me four billion Plutonians are wrong? You said science wasn't easy. I said science isn't always easy. Obviously, that means sometimes it is easy. Let's not debase ourselves with word games, son. Dad, theirwhole planet is dying. Ha! You called it a planet. Checkmate.

Jerry?

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence! Your slave is ill-mannered. My slave? We assume you are from a more primitive world,

This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right? Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice.

Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.

I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you?

Jesus.

I got you pregnant.

Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers -- Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves, and then worry about all this later? Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick.

Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!"

T-The red "X"! Red "X"!

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now.

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else.

Did you get any ofthat?

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Summer! Ethan?

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff

Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?

D-i-i-i-i-ie!

That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe.

but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world.

one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory. I'm gonna miss you, Snowball. You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.

My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse.

We can communicate.

that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity. But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny.

That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together.

If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?

Because he's dead, too!

God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya,

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up,

I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what?

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit!

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

Time to go home.

You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch!

I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry!

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.

Show me what you got!

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,

All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why? That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving.

Birdperson!! No!! Holy -- Drop the portal gun.

Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,

It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know? Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,

J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho!

It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together.

W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god,

Why am I so mediocre?

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass.

Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days.

Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall.

What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No!

Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now. This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness,

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth.

Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Aaaaaaah! So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle?

Half of all time!

It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane.

Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

Probably shouldn't be piloting a hovercopter, nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals and 12 million deep fryers, but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything.

Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do. Aah!

Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen.

Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal? Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god,

I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa. I love you, too, Terry. Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.

Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry.

Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

I was kind of hoping that I could get a selfie with you? Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse, Understood. D-i-i-i-i-ie! Oh, no, no, no! Why didn't heturn into a snake? Trade secret, Mr. President.

What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head...

You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!

W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

Later.

Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh!

- Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide. Well, you can hide with us, Rick? - Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge?

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries!

JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed.

It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough!

You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense!

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.

What does that mean?

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute.

I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, Look at that thing right there. W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you.

There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not.

Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12.

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite.

Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive!

We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

and...

but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.

Diseases? Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life.

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad!

Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

There is just one more thing. According to this state's Veterinarian statute,

- Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter.

- My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth?

Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity?

Then Jacob came into our lives, and...we're learning to live again. All three of us, Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man.

This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide?

God damn it.

Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Oh, my god! Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk? Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut? Uh, l'm...not sure. Exactly. Show me what you got!

I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering -- No, l'll G-- I'll get your info from Summer.

Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me.

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?!

Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!

Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah! Good lord. How did you...?

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob.

Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy --

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Um, Rick!

I am a baby! I'm a baby now! Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell?

6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines.

Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast.

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.

But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?

Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

Stay.

Where are my testicles, Summer?

You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite.

...scare Scary Terry.

Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck! GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise -- It's never pretty. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other.

He's getting sleepy.

Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty?

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

More are coming.

J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '

I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. I am here if you need to talk. - What is this place? - Paradise.

Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny!

Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life?

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison...

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.

No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer.

You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.

Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am -- Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause.

Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough.

Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know? You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots.

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

Back off!

Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline. All right, Rick, look -- how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, Look at that thing right there.

I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires.

You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik

wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

Come here. No! Stop! I hate this!

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh?

I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen?

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me!

You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,

He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

There's one every season.

Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am -- Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody?

all the famous ones... they're gone. Dear god.

We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine! Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles.

Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream?

Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time!

- I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay, which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable?

The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls.

Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song!

Oh, my god, Are those...

Run, Marty!

Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go.

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.

Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit,

Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home.

But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "

Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers?

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this? You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty?

And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch!

ALL:

Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out,

So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm -- I know everything about everything?

What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot! You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what?

I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.

Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.

I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts.

Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!

Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas.

Every kid needs a dad, but there's no replacing you. Hey, you want to give us a hand with this? We're trying to figure out how to get the sound coming through the stereo instead of the TV, l-l-lt's very difficult. Oh! Uh, well, is there an aux input? We tried that, but there's two different colors. But there's two different colors.

Gross!

Hey, uh, come here. l-l want to show you something.

Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake do-o-o-o-rsi

Drop the gun.

Okay, things are getting out of hand.

I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,

My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Summer?

Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go. Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben.

Are you kidding me?

What the hell was that?

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.

That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it! HEADS: Hooray! Yeah.

He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.

Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer!

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him?

undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing. MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?!

Just hit a button, Marty! Give me a beat! Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man!

See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to!

Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. Man, this place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found.

You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure.

what have you done for me lately?

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom.

but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty.

You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds."

But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. That's what I think of your crystals, Rick! Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me.

I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. Um...

Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head. If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina, I might -- I'll take it, B-But I haven't even -- Thank you very, very much. Great store. Great place. Bye.

It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly.

That is an original thought. MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty? Oh, man, what's going on? Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier,

You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault.

Spaghetti, kangaroos? l’ve gotta check this place out. Well, you can. Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details. Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect.

Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.

i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting.

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame!

Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now.

Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty, That's how we're gonna scam these idiots, So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick,

No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

Ohhhhh!

Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race! Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet. We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it.

but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.

Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty, Really? You think? I mean, I'm not doing much of anything.

Ugh! No!

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.

Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that. lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal.

It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living.

This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three.

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!

J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J,

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him?

Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!

Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

I'll take you to dinner. Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine.

And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass,

I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch!

- Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates?

Jesus. Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants,

What you got going on there? Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over.

Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer.

Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

making you look like a party clown.

Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right?

Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

U nity?

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks.

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J,

I cannot argue that. Aaah!

Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck!

And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.

Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket.

Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers,

If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft so they may head back to theirweird planet, where women are kind of equal but not really. Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls. You know, you girls are really something, I'll tell you that. You know when we first go there, I was like -- Give them a ship now,

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy.

The road your father and I walked together is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies.

Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real?

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

Oh, man. I cannot wait --

Ohhhhh!

Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad.

I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

BETH: Coffee time! RICKS: Yo, yo, yo, yo! That's what I like to hear! Hi, Jerry. Leave me alone. I'm working. Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy, and then y-y-you help 'em?

The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive.

RICK: Worst movie ever.

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days,

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly.

I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants.

What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty,

However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy.

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong,

REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake.

Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi.

Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon.

I got the crystals!

but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering.

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

How are you guys not freaking out right now?! T-The whole house is sitting in another dimension! l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker!

J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie!

Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god,

It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch!

I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe.

Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby. It's okay. We're not gonna hurt you. My name is Marty, This is my grandpa.

someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick,

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white,

That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J,

What are you looking at, motherfucker?

What are we doing? I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay.

It's like that old song "Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop." Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares?

l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil.

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty.

I suppose, Marty, I suppose.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.

I wonderwhy Greg is always so critical of my girlfriend. Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself. That's how friends are. Or does he want her to himself? J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?

JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na,

No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump.

Breaking news-- Shrimply Pibbles is being held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith. Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know. Do it! Do it! Remove my penis! Sir, put the gun down and step away from Mr. Pibbles!

Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!

Not my cup of tea, this place.

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little.

Hey, there.

Good bye. Yeah!

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,

What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real. Marty! Summer! It's me!

That's the best sex I've ever had in my life.

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep.

Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that.

This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney.

So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help!

I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J,

You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well.

Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J,

Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you. Jerry, it's your house -- whatever you say it is is how it is -- but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care, and even /naticed, Come on, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that.

Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding. But that's the opposite of what-- Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything?

W-we get our family and portal out of here! Marty, good music comes from people who are relaxed. Just hit a button, Marty! Give me a beat! Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,

All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now!

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What?

Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

We're losing him. All right, fine.

I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed. Marty, take the wheel! Whoa! Whoa! Geez! Damn it, Morty! Who taught you to fly this thing?

RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great.

You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry.

All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

Amazing.

Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man.

They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th-- but that's not how it went down!

Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car.

Yes.

Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?

SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer. She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey. Shut up, Jerry. Okay. Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J,

Oh, Dad. What? For real? TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica.

We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad?

Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell?

JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension.

...not a planet.

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits.

Marty, that's such a poor use of my time. lt's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver. l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty,

Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on?

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

What kind of God lets this happen?

Hold on.

Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead.

Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

I believe Birdperson can arrange that. Hey, Summer, haven't seen you at flute practice in a while. Summer, don't tell me you're friends with her. Are you kidding me? I don't even know what she's doing here. Whoa. Not cool, Summer. This is a party. Everybody should be welcome.

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No!

PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children.

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.

It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty,

Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable.

Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, Look at that thing right there. W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this?

Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family.

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on.

Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is.

Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.

It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay,

I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop -- Marty! Have you met Gearhead? - Hey, how's -- - Marty here, he -- he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.

Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! - Out. - Whatcha doin'?

but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years? Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub!

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?

No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human,

You know what to do. f beep ]

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

I am a baby! I'm a baby now! Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!

Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could --

You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me!

Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again?

Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out.

You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy,

That's it, I'm calling security. No! All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room where none ofthe people whose stuff I stole can get to us, Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish.

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?

I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick.

like, sacrificed himself for me? - Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty, The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little piece of shit.

Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over.

The plucky little ball of water and d/rt,

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened,

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica.

Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over. Whoa, Dad, you can't, like,

It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho! J, Oh, it feels good J, Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece,

my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty,

Advertising? Wow!

and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens. Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby. How's business? Here's the last of our inventory. We're going to file chapter ll and do some restructuring. Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit,

Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty,

and " the official car of "Mr, Sneezy 3D. " it’s the brand-new Sneezy XL. The horn, when you honk it, makes a sneeze noise. it’s polite, " right, and " Sneezy, Deezy Mc... Deluxe. l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ]

MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich.

See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but -- Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives.

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe?

Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"?

And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but...

It's supposed to be romantic.

Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never!

Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real.

Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.

But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical.

the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh.

l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman!

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing!

and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,

Aah! Unh!

This representation displeases me. Aaah! Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess.

So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous.

Well, this won't do. - Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy --

That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,

Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts? Oh, hey, Morty. You just missed a preview for your Dad's "Citizen Kane." Doesn't matter. Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys chose? Doesn't matter.

J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,

You animals! Animals!

Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

clear communication.

How long will you be visiting Earth? Oh, we live here. We were just off-planet for a wedding. Go that way.

I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box?

Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me.

I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah!

but it's certainly not what he died for.

"Ro y 2"just got here. Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

We live our lives in hiding.

Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah.

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man!

but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places.

Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me!

Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged."

from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless.

Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing. Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean.

RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that.

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will...

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.

Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage! Do you mean this? Summer for for the win.

Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit, - Smith family? - Yes?

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away. Hello, Summer. Hello, Marty, It's okay. You're safe now.

My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this.

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here.

I thought I'd go out.

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn,

once -- for once?

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. What? I'm an angry father, not an improvisor. Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers?

Uh, morning, Frank.

This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she's a marine biologist. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers."

lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

Show me what you got!

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick?

Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?

Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It."

What do you think of these things?

That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

The galactic government considers us terrorists.

Welcome back to "Funny Songs." It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience. Um, longtime fan ofthe show. Uh -- What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music.

Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay?

The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy. You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.

We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot! You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding.

What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.

Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop.

and fuck me for letting my guard down,

AIDS!

Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.

you still thinking about taking that trip? Jerry, look. We don't have a perfect marriage, but I'm not going anywhere. When we were in that freezer, I realized the Meeseeks are like the guys I went to High School with -- willing to say anything to "complete their task." Was I one ofthose guys? The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards,

It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer.

J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J,

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this?

Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today. RICK: You gotta be careful, Marty, If that guy catches you with a box of his Eyeholes, he comes bursting in through a window and just starts kicking the shit out of you. But it's worth the risk. They melt in your mouth, Marty, They're delicious. Dad, I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal.

but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!

Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves.

Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep.

Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure,

W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face!

Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what?

Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy.

Easy, Rick.

Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No,

Summer is doing really well here.

"Uh, Tammy, you're a high-School senior from the planet Earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!"

J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

so you can make an army of your badass self? There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid!

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation!

Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs!

Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F... Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today.

You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end.

All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?

Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us?

So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know,

Sex is sacred!

ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat...

Ooh, nice!

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

But you're not touching my crisper.

I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it.

Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F... Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well.

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option.

So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge? l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh?

Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris!

It was?

But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then? its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "

Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?

I can send the beacon, and your sister can launch our package. Just remember, ifthere's people in there and they try to purge us, we got to purge them first. We're not purging anyone, Rick, all right? W-Will you stop it? Marty, if we're gonna survive tonight, you're gonna need to harness your repressed rage. I don't have any! Spoken like a person with repressed rage.

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress.

Eh, unless she has the flu.

J, Don't leave me J,

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes.

Goddamn it,

The nipple hole. It's beautiful. Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!

You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl!

You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's.

Y-y-you're a monster.

Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple.

i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch,

Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice.

The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality!

Marty? Suck my dick!

J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife.

Come on, Rick. There's a giant in the clouds! Yeah. Beginner's luck.

Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now!

I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back.

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays.

Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand.

I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing?

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!

How?

and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes! Summer's gonna like me again. Lincoler, come on! Let's get out of here! Mein journey is over, Marty,

Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified.

These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it.

You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.

Can he have visitors? He'd like to be alone. He told me to tell you he's sorry you didn't have bad memories of him? lfyou love him, you should leave.

I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song,

SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what?

Let's do this thing.

'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this.

Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about?

Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with. J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J,

SUMMER:

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you?

Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world,

- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery,

Yeah. Good one, Jerry.

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole.

Well, terrific. Dad, what's going on? What's the deal here? I just wanted to spend some time with my daughter. You're growing up so fast. You used to be my little girl. Yeah. Remember when we used to go to the playground, and I'd push you on the swings? Oh, you could push me higher than all the other kids.

But let's make it interesting, Marty,

We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass.

You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves. We killed a vampire anda gym teacher. Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha!

I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you?

and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!

Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister! Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already!

J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what?

Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device.

How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.

Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot!

Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life.

I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too. RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space.

I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh?

Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never!

and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm.

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human.

this animal can't be transferred until the current attending physician verbally confirms their inability to provide adequate care.

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?

Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff?

no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire!

Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV,

Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage.

...not a planet.

Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance.

All this time, you've been thinking, "what ifthat loser, Jerry, hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" - Um... - Well, now you know. You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de-do. You'd also be drinking wine alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart. You thought about getting an abortion?

Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples. We got, uh, a -- crushed red party cups, 15 1/2 brapples.

All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty, Gone with the wind! Am I right?! lfyou don't like that one, Marty, an alt on that could be, like, if I said "Gasablanca"!

Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!

Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, "

Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more.

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on!

Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,

God, whatever, Rick.

Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha!

I don't want you missing school on Monday. MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown!

Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!

Summer? What kind of God lets this happen?

Jessica.

Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick.

I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain the full gravity of the situation. Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her lover intact? Well, I don't thinkthat's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones.

Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel.

Hi, Frank. Aah!

Wha? Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!

It's a good-a show!

ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you.

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!

I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted?

H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,

Oh, my god, I'm a good person. No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?

What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. There you are, Marty,

Understood.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,

That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.

- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go!

and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand.

What the fuck is going on? He's got it!

JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it. lfyou can find one, too, we should be safe for hours, maybe days! You stay put, Jerry. I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch?

You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich.

Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage. JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah!

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either

Let's go down and check her out.

It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy? Not a bad trade for spider peace. All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider!

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty,

and you could save four billion lives. Yeah, you know, the thing is my Dad's reallyinsecure. Hmm. Funny. Mr. Needful, out of everything in the store, you'll never guess what we couldn't get rid of.

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers.

Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.

look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy,

You have arrived at Krombopuios Michael, Your destination is below. We're all out of off-white Persian.

Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second.

They live here now.

You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.

Uh-huh. No, mother -- no. Earth, dude. No, I'm talking about -- Yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you get to the dolphin people, you gone too far. All right, man, I'll talkto you later. Okay. You know what they do to third-dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever.

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic.

And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez. That's odd. This deer's wounded.

Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have --

Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.

lt detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone,"

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh?

Are -- are -- are you people even human?

Pluto is a planet.

l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people.

Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb!

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.

You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government.

Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll, Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien...

- Shut up! - You shut up!

- What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game.

Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty?

...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass. Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J, J, lt's schwifty time today J, Hmm.

Hey, what are you in tar?

Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child.

J, Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo J, Boy, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Marty, A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction.

"Cape Fear"! "Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Huh. Big star in the sky. Oxygen-rich atmosphere. Giant testicle monsters.

Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

Hey, doc.

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention.

You shut up, you big female asshole!

Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season.

Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster.

I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

Jesus.

What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,

Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home.

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go. Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings,

but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god!

Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.

Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals.

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way.

My -- my -- my -- my man!

Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken. I am gonna go back to the room to finish my book. You should find that Lucy woman. But -- but -- You see, Jerry? May I show you something? Had everything gone as planned,

H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad!

Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy,

What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy,

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.

Suck my dick!

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

What a life. Did you get any ofthat?

No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe.

Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty?

Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Diabolic son of a motherf--

You know, i take personal space pretty seriously,

That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones. Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my cahapes.

Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick?

You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right!

- Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me! Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie.

I ask you to do one thing! Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob.

Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.

Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,

I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and l have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore Free-fi to Fo-home. W-what the hell is he talking about? They're free to go, is what I meant. l-l-l'm deconstructing our -- our -- our thing we say.

Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"?

I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh?

Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk.

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery.

Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow.

Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now. Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see?

Then I better crunch the numbers.

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick! Yeah, yeah.

Nice.

Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff.

That is su-- -- suspicious.

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. ..

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects.

What's that? Who's that baby? Marty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?

Yes.

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary.

to support my wife,,,

Oh!

Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry. Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect. I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop?

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains.

It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad!

MAN: It's a good show.

Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

Index