That is pretty gay.

I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right?

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move!

Ow! I got to tell you, this morning,

Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.

My -- my -- my -- my man!

It's a good-a show!

Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,

So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names?

Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

undefined Chris!

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die!

Here's another quick mystery.

The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers -- Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that,

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry.

Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.

It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No! Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch!

Welcome back to "Funny Songs."

Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

Hmm. Human music. I like it, Rick!

God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean.

Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes.

When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand.

I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here.

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick.

Not my fault this is happening.

We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh!

You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy -- - They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir. There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians,

Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this,

Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV, J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh!

Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up?

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty, Really? You think? I mean, I'm not doing much of anything.

Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold,

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke!

I really appreciate you, Marty,

Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty, Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty, That way you can, you know -- y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing,

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

You would? Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh... we can't. Absolutely not. I'm s orry '2 We've been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us,

I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same. All right, okay, fair is fair. lfyou do extra work, you get extra food. Oh, Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that.

It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.

Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it,

Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126? Uh, I'm not sure. Marty, Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket. - What?! - Way to go, Marty, Eh, whatever. - Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

We got a bag of bobbish.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it, Whatever.

lt's gratuitous at this point.

You're welcome.

Uh, actually, you know what?

Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J,

Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture.

lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp-- I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth!

Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this.

then we can't get schwifty.

to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it. Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black. Title -- 'three weeks earlier."'

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth?

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded!

I'm going inside. I guess this is what rock bottom feels like, Jerry. Ow! It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time.

lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

Cynthia. . .

and clothing stores have sweatshops. Is there a company hiring teenagers that isn't evil? This is my first job. You've been nice to me, Mr. Needful. You respect me. Please, call me "The Devil." I'd rather not, actually. Yes, perhaps not during business hours. I told you, I want to file a declaration that Pluto is a planet.

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues?

Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

- I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass.

And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

Ugh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Ugh! Oh, Rick. That was so bad. What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors.

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick,

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby. There was a seven-horse collision, and Davin's there alone. Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin.

You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own,

"World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. Oh, goody. From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species.

Calling all Jan Michael Vincents.

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free. You're saying I should leave Jerry.

I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human.

Take him to Pluto-namo Bay. You can't kill the truth, father. What? I can see you're confused. Pluto-namo Bay is a military prison -- a sort of play on wards, Did he call you "father"? Scrcocopy Noopers, the anti-planet nut job, is your son?

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power.

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

Where is Marty? [conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected!

But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine! Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about.

ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty,

Holy shit!

Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith!

I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm...

You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors. Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews!

Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.

Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch!

Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.? Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel. I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, but beyond that... I know you can do it, son. I think it's time I get a place of my own,

I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty. Jerry, what are you -- what are you doing in here? I'm trying to find our weed whacker, 'cause our weeds are wack, yo. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here.

Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job.

We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles.

And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front. Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!

Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty,

You remember that one time?

Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137,

my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs,

Okay, thanks for clarifying.

Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

Marty, crack the window.

Where'd you come from? My -- my -- my grandpa Rick sent me!

Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is,

Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

ln here.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

See you next week, everybody.

It's messed up, There's caterers down there.

Oh, wait. Let me get a picture.

- Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

- Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people.

My life is a fucking joke!

J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis. Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here? Okay, Jerry. Let's head home. I can't leave now. Everyone hates me.

He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all. What's that? Who's that baby?

Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee,

"Cape Fear"! "Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."

Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face."

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.

with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

I remember it differently.

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip?

from his march on Flirk Blirk Square to his ongoing battle with heroin dependency.

and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place.

- English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Oh, the Hulk. I just got that.

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

That's Jack and Fabrizio. This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened,

Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.

Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me. Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll,

We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things.

Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty.

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty! Okay, well, sometimes,

Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know? I mean, who knows what -- what if somebody breaks something?

What the fuck did you do, Summer?!

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

We're so screwed!

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me!

I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

I thought you were gonna fly right off into the street. I used to pee my pants. I know, and now look at you! You have a job. You're making really good money. You're not paying any rent, so you have plenty of disposable income. Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up, Something's gonna come through. I can feel it.

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention.

Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

Duck, duck, birdie?

We live our lives in hiding.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right?

What the -- aah! Aah!

Class dismissed. Geez.

Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh !

Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty,

- Rick! - Pants!

The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family!

...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet! I'm an idiot, and I love my son.

Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house.

Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!

I like it, Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!

you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy?

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.

You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.

but your guess is as good as mine, Marty,

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.

My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse.

J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody.

This trip has been a "Titanic" failure. Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you.

Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently.

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God --

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty,

What? Why -- why me?

Oh shit. Oh shit.

Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out,

Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster.

One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.

The nipple hole. It's beautiful. Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!

Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.

Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work,

This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.

I'm feeling... Ugh. Oh, man, let me help all of you guys up. ALL: I'm fine. Do you know what I love about you, Rick? You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture.

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run...

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you.

Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou!

You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.

This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins!

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap!

She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw.

It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what?

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die!

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time.

I love you. [processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty,

Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination.

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela? Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"?

I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

- It's my favorite song, - Oh, yeah.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

but this is real science. A man and his boy, making planets. Hey, how about we use a ping-pong ball for Pluto? And then Jupiter -- Uh, actually, I don't think Pluto's a planet. Of course Pluto's a planet, son, I learned that in the third grade. Well, yeah, but you know they changed it. Marty, nobody changed the planets.

Shut the fuck up about moon men!

Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

What are apples? Apples are food. And...when do we need food? When we're hungry. With that, I give you your new slogan! Well, say something! Do you like it?

Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty.

No! Oh shit.

Suck my huge dick!

Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill. Whoa! Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop,

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?

Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Hi, honey, so, here's the thing -- These guys -- They want to completely remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart.

Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft so they may head back to theirweird planet, where women are kind of equal but not really. Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls. You know, you girls are really something, I'll tell you that. You know when we first go there, I was like -- Give them a ship now,

None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice. Hey, Marty, there's our Jerry. Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick. Glad you're safe, Jerry. What do you say we go home? I'd like that. Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126?

and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,

I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.

This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys.

Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster!

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest.

It's a good-a show!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.

I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him?

Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.

Okay, this one's bigger. This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh?

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck! GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise --

Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis. Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here?

I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,

JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired. Wha--

Get them! Run, Marty!

This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

Dude, are you -- w-- you're being a dick, right? Oh, gosh, l-l hope not. l-l-l-l-l-l wouldn't want to offend you in any way. You're really a Rick? Y-- of course I am -- just as much as my Morty's a Marty, Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry!

Ooh, am i feeling good,

Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle. Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"!

Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?

- It's a different planet. - By the way, life on other planets exists. Don't let it distract you. I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale. Okay. Deal. All right, I'm gonna go to the roof and set things up, Marty, you listen to his tale. Okay.

Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What?

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah.

We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time.

Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down.

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly.

Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this.

Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! WOMAN: In your face! Give me the gun, I'm not doing this in front of Pencilvester. Bring him to the garage.

RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved.

It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm --

Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob.

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

...ovenless brownies!

My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.

"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick.

He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay.

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity?

Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough.

I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."

Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank.

Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins. I'll take two. Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

J-J-J-- this is game over.

Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble.

You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go. Well, terrific.

Paid for by Michael Denny and The Denny Singers.

Hey, Marty, could you lick my-,

Hey, I'm squanching in here!

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now.

Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

"Last Will and Testi-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House // " Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts? Oh, hey, Morty. You just missed a preview for your Dad's "Citizen Kane." Doesn't matter. Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys chose?

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,

Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion.

Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on?

Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in,

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time!

Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J,

where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.

Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. Rick, when we met, l was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change... Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. Hey, listen, I've grown, too.

Please! Please don't kill me!

Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school. Owl, Oof! Ugh! Damn it! I'm all right. I'm okay. All right, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is?

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen.

Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother.

I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants.

I'm gonna miss you, Snowball. You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.

Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!

I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves!

Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast.

Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.

Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy --

All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now.

Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together.

This isn't "Game of Thrones."

You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up!

"Dada."

And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend.

This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

Whoa! Summer?!

I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake.

I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank. What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us,

Oh, you know my dad once he puts his mind to something. You're spinning this to his credit? I'm going down there. - Jerry -- - Beth, this is my house, which makes this my garage, my secret hatch, my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?

l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable.

l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Are you joking me?

We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith.

To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us?

Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --

The plot thickens.

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly. In the meantime, please, stay on the ship and enjoy a complimentary plate of James Cameronion rings. Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken.

J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it!

I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky?

Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!

J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J,

Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar?

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!

All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously. Uh-oh, Marty, Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss? Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar.

Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you?

I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.

l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Alexand--

The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth,

This aftershave made women want me,

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster. Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship.

Oh shit! The other collar!

'cause you need to cut me some slack...s.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack.

God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty,

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this.

Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.

l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?! PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising.

Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news.

A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

What's he doing? What's he crafting?

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after,

There, every being is a letter ofthe alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up,

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

Summer, I've always loved you!

It's a good-a show!

What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen.

Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice.

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.

Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No!

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. ..

Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it, ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob.

Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here?

Since when do you have a job? Since last week. lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character.

Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four."

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you! J, These memories that we have J, J, These memories that we cherish J,

Rick and Summer of Earth,

You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need.

119/11s,

Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?

The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.

Gentlemen, gentlemen! One at a time! Simon?

Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing!

Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut? Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day?

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion,

I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me!

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

I should call Bob Saget.

It's how things should be.

I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent.

Opium addict.

Oh, my God, he exploded!

Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots, Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up,

Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs.

you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!

Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you.

Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?

Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

Oh, man, Rick!

Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn.

Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty,

In reality, you're as dumb as they come.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick!

and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah.

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train? Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go!

- What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings!

Oh, Rick, I -- I shouldn't. Come on. It's not every day that I'm town. It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet?

Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Aah! What?

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you.

All right, that's it,

We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know? You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff.

Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,

No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf--

You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.

Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face?

Mm. I'm so proud of you, Lucius. So, how much did we make? "We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded!

You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.

Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean?

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no.

Oxygen-rich atmosphere.

Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.

Well, maybe you're right.

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.

You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me.

Ooh. Ohh. Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly.

Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one.

Did you get any ofthat?

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!

You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing.

Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine.

and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --

or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why? Sundown is when the festival begins. The festival? Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war,

That's the last straw!

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!

It is random debris. I found it in my carpet.

I'm not ready to die.

Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!!

Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na,

Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job.

I say give me a hand, sidekick.

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men!

I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you?

J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome! Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.

It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J,

So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help!

J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with, l'll break who you -- J, And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front. Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!

Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids? I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food?

Droppin' loads. ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.

Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure. Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty!

J, There's still fountains down there J, J, Look on down from the bridge J,

I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.

That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!

Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

You were so small and cute. I thought you were gonna fly right off into the street. I used to pee my pants. I know, and now look at you! You have a job. You're making really good money. You're not paying any rent, so you have plenty of disposable income. Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up,

You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person.

Two brothers in a van,

Da,

Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here!

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck.

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time.

Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after,

so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Boo! Not cool!

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.

Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it,

Problem solved.

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good."

Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you.

Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,

J, My empire of dirt J, J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J,

J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,

Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh?

Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else.

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways,

l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place.

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing!

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails.

Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go.

www.rickandmortyadventures.

Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him!

Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.

MORTY: What the hell?

Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what.

I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what?

you don't want me and Rick to be happy? No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.

We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer.

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10.

Yeah, baby!

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five.

One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that.

Goddamn it,

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,

W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet. Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.

I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh?

It's getting weird.

where corporations use it to power everything, from diamond cars to golden showers. And the more we remove, the more Pluto shrinks. There it goes again. Just shrank a little. But a few years ago, your scientists noticed Pluto had gotten so small they couldn't even call it a "planet" anymore.

Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

You're fired. Wha--

No! No! Ow!

You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun,

A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due?

Jesus.

Nothing gets stuck in your lips. It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.

Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it,

Wobble gobba lop bops! Right?

I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome. My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive?

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here?

It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,

You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh?

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die!

Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals.

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.

I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone. Jerry, stop, please, okay? We weren't even supposed to be down here. Ifwe confront him about this -- Oh, my god! I love this. I love that this is how far you will go for him. You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a Lifetime original above a fucking alien dungeon!

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty?

- Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me.

Noooooo!

I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus. Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think.

They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that!

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move.

Ugh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Ugh! Oh, Rick. That was so bad. What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species,

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why? That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid.

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family.

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was --

Hey, there, stranger.

When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.

Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home.

We understand genocide. We do it sometimes.

FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle,

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff?

I like what you got! Good job!

What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves!

Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.

But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill!

Huh? What the fuck?

Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

It's time for the quiz.

Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J,

Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?

Why am I always your go-to?

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there.

J, Lay it, lay it down J,

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.

even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker.

Are you kidding me?

It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax. Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?

Gross. What is that thing? It's a courier flap.

Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.

What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat.

i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

J, Can you take me now? J, J, I want it real J, J, Are you afraid of me now? J, JV J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J,

You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families.

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow!

Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.

Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?!

Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good. Oh, my god, They're walking up the driveway.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries!

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.

Scalpel. Scalpel. Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one ofthree meals that have existed for millennia.

Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six.

Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!

Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up! Hold it! Don't move! Stay back! This watch turns people into snakes! Oh!

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here. You can have this back. You didn't use it?

JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.

Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick!

Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it,

Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened?

That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Good bye. Yeah! We did it! Yes!

The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.

Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot,

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.

Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me.

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with?

Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice. WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it.

I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say. It's not like I could've actually done it, lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it,

So good luck with your shitty marriage,

Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa.

Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit.

Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth.

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical.

That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick.

Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me,

No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real.

It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take --

There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.

J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning.

The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck.

Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it! What do you know? He was right! Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second!

Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh?

You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.

Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?

Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.

You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

J, Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo J, Boy, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Marty, A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare!

I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"!

Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad. Let's find a control room or something.

but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons.

Move it up, actually, if you can,

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me.

You're fired.

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death!

And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but...

Huh. Okay. I must say, Summer, lthought your grandfather's outburst would have disrupted business, but this is the best weekend I've had since Salem. Nice. "Wholesome Delight" for lunch? - Is that the vegan place? - Yeah, I love their soup, I'm kind of soup-ed out. Mrs. Tate, is it? What do you desire?

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy,

no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?

Oh, my god,

Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me.

Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman.

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen.

Hey, brah!

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

l dabble, Mr. President.

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon." He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?!

That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out. Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on!

- don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I? So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more.

- Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh!

There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up!

I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything,

First, they take the dinglebop,

Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty!

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride.

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

I want yooooooou!

But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes. Would you relax, Marty?

I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery.

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end.

Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves,

Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?!

Whoa! Look at you!

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

- Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates?

Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out.

Burger time!

And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top,

Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho! J, Oh, it feels good J,

Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years.

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!

Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"?

These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?!

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise -- It's never pretty. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other. As we can all see,

Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben. This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria,

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage.

This serum should counteract the negative effects.

Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.

Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

He's getting sleepy.

The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep.

I suppose, Marty, I suppose.

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up!

Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face."

W-w-w-where we running ta? Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.

A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back.

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top,

It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.

I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife.

This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing?

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it,

a hit song,

"Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car. On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand.

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What?

Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now. Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it.

get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.

and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us, And that's it,

You better get moving. These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work. They're not gonna last all night. I need five minutes.

JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why?

He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!!

I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you!

J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty,

you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?

Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my cahapes.

Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency. It's, like, I'm trying to eat a Flimflam -- like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk. The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only,

I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet.

starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Gar Ma Nar Nar, three, um, um, um... i ll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all,

Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks!

It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me --

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying,

What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot!

The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday! JERRY: Oh! Jerk. Don't insult my father. He's the reason our kids are only half-stupid. Ha! You just called yourself -- Oh, - Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four. Your marriage can rest easy now.

You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system. That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen.

Boo! Not cool!

You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.

Oh shit.

Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real.

I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason?

Holy cow, Rick.

It's a good show!

Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

l'm -- l'm -- l'm --

but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up,

Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?

Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh ! That's beautiful.

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look,

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me.

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes,

Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues?

Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What?

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah.

Saved your ass. All right, Morty.

Shit!

They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse,

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards. COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137,

We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline.

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and --

But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?

Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back --

I'm starving.

Grandpa, go home and drink.

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!

J, It feels good J,

I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on.

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it!

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

- Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

For god's sake, Nathan,

Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it.

How? They took my portal gun.

So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge? l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh?

TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls.

I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife.

he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick! Yeah, yeah.

Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you, but there is still time. I am yours until my death. ALL: Aww! Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson!

All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship.

Okay, with all due respect, Rick --

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress.

Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

Oh, shit. We got tiny people,

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants?

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead!

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.

"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you!

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board.

Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit?

You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work.

Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god!

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.

Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

Martin Luther King Jr/s birthday. No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!"

But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable.

This place is great, you know?

You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room? Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?

Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick.

You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs.

l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?!

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad. You're a genius at that. Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son.

We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day.

Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator.

He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself.

Huh? What? Wait? What? Stop.

All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."

D-i-i-i-i-ie!

Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

E, Coli outbreak.

...five -- Sir?

Can you blame him?

Too fast. SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol --

Oh, boy, Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers." I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody.

Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.

'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this.

Jan Michael Vincents are used up. I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent. Is it important that we know who Jan Michael Vincent was,,, - In order to get this? - Nope. I refuse to send the legislation that allows more than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct. This Jan- Uary,

Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me!

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please!

Stay. What do you want?

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.

Whoa! Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

No idea what you're talking about.

W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi.

Losing him. Stabilized. Okay, I only ask, Jerry, because, as you know, my job involves performing heart surgery. Well, yeah, on horses. Excuse me? Okay. Let's not rehash t/ratfight, I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. Whoa! What is this on the floor?

Time to go home.

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship.

Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, But these gears just started turnin'. LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry?

JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry! Hey, uh, come here.

Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you. Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,

and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?!

The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it,

You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.

You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying. I'll leave it at that. Fine, dad!

Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh?

You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.

Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.

Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.

That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

Brad! Stupid! Rick!

- Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

That's beautiful. You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No!

Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

Oh shit.

Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty, And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry, and the Zigerions got nothing of mine. Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes.

I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs,

What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty,

What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her!

All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty,

"Fuck You."

W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah!

Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside,

All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you!

Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right!

Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty,

Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet. We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it.

I am here if you need to talk. I am here if you need to talk. From here, we dispense mechanical surrogates to maintain our population. Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most.

Best weekend ever, Rick. I agree, Rick. Let's see how long we can go. Hey, Une. You got any more -- FEMALE UNITY: Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes.

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J,

They changed it in 2006,

Seven. . .

"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!

Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse?

I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!

That would be illegal.

I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going. Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?

Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist.

Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip. Oh, hey, it's you guys!

This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack?

Oh, Morty.

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?!

- We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is. Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50?

ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5,

I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people.

Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it.

They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca.

I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back. Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you?

Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick.

Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me.

Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts.

"Morning"?

Understood.

Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage. JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah!

Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off.

I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Run!

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

l'm Rick.

That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!

Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

in other opposite news, information. . . Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side ofthe screen like that? I don't know, Marty, See what else is on, huh? Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. " i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.

It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. We will give you passage back home so it can be terminated.

Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?!

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option.

You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?!

There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically.

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over. Whoa, Dad, you can't, like,

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out --

having sex with you. We get it. Grass, Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh.

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.

And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.

All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes!

Come on, Rick. There's a giant in the clouds! Yeah. Beginner's luck.

I done been notifying you.

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible!

Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg!

Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff.

Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th,

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Oh, he might have said to take it outside. RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god, Well, I did my job. Summer did herjob. Now all Marty has to do is finish listening to that tale. BLANE: Maybe I don't need a new friend.

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions.

Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!

Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son!

Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes.

Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right?

And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

I'm a genius.

An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid. Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair,

Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes.

Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering -- No, l'll G-- I'll get your info from Summer.

Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp,

I like hanging out. Tiny Rick!

MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich.

Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying.

Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles?

Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.

You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse.

You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through.

Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.

Probably shouldn't be piloting a hovercopter, nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals and 12 million deep fryers, but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Unity's not into other hive minds. It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven,

Never go in my room again.

It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick. ln here.

Happy human holiday, Dad.

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry. W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.

l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically.

- Wow! Look at all this stuff. - Yeah. This is me and my grandpa Rick's sci-fi workshop. Check this out. It's beautiful.

Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up,

What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing.

But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four." Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry.

We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto." And a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry? Pluto is a planet. Well, how about that. I love it. Marty Smith. l'm Scroopy Noopers.

Jerry?

You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck.

BOTH: Nice. So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett,

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps. All right, okay, y-you know, ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know?

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre? Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you.

Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round? Science isn't always easy, Morty.

Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know, Are we sure we wanna look at our own alternate lives? You're right. Maybe we should just play Yahtzee. Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you.

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it.

He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus.

These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.

How do you -- what is this? Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.

Just hit a button, Marty! Give me a beat! Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

I wish this knot was looser. Come on.

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you.

Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything.

Okay, good.

Show me what you got!

Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ. Beta Seven, if my allies are a problem for you, perhaps our alliance is, as well. Our alliance is beneficial. When Beta Seven expresses concern, it -- it's only be-because -- RICK: Oh, snap! Powdered neutronium? Amphetetron?

Yes.

Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit.

Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why?

What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica.

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick.

I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

That's my dream! That's my dream.

Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar.

It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here?

You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!

you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th, Deal. All right. W-well, come on, let's get going. Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. Washing dishes? No. The opposite. Can you fix it?

and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,

J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.

Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?!

The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me.

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.

Too fast. SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?

Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else. Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick. Now's not a good time. Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go!

My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!

J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome!

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room,

The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads!

they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right? ALL: Never. Never. Back in a flash.

See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to!

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop. Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill.

You don't have to mollycoddle me. I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing. I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest-- - Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you,

Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg.

Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

Yo, this is why.

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little.

So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad.

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry.

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

on this robot's home world, which is... Gazcorpazcorp in the Andromeda system. Scoot, Summer. Don't you need a new companion now that Morty's in the family way? I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man.

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,

It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four." Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something.

Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this...

Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?

Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

I'm traveling with my son and father-in-law.

Nice.

and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains...

Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine.

What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside! You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah! Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now, calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah!

ALL: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oof! Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers.

Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves?

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe.

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role, Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist.

Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right.

Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?

I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

"Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

...Morty waves,

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story,

Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay, which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts,

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth.

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Grandpa?

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Oh!

You lied! You lied about the charge!

So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes!

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

- They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir.

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power.

Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large?

Red alert!

Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

- No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore.

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers.

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay?

Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!

How are you today?

Oh, shit, motherfucker!

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?

Alexand--

Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened,

Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

You know what? I'm taking this.

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry.

I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!

l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe.

Oh, my god! Oh shit!

All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean?

The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death.

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes.

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

Disqualified. There's one every season.

Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight?

I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about!

We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.

You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go. Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings,

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe.

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise.

l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario -- we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty,

Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid!

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

i feel love in my heart, too, fast like you. i wanna be able to express that love with both a man and a woman. And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around,

Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben.

You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense!

and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point,

Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them!

You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop. Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill. Whoa!

J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion.

Now, where are these rich people? To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years. Wait, w-where is that music coming from?

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit,

First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified.

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land. Too fast.

What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem?

Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.

low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter?

We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

Okay, things are getting out of hand.

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away.

No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

My -- my -- my -- my man!

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah!

Hey, what are you in tar?

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J,

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster! - I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying. - Summer! - Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there! Why do you hate me, Summer? I'm not talking to you.

This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most. Males... ...they get to play outside. That was just a baby.

a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other. Apparently, they've got some real creative differences.

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal?

Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.

Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room?

Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right?

And I'm lucky to have you, and I never tell you that! You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family. Please don't do this! Please don't do this! - Summer! - Summer, listen carefully. I stole a paper clip, and I have it in my cheek, but I don't know what to do with it, and it hurts. You're going to be okay. You will come back as babies. I am a baby! I'm a baby now!

Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really.

There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! WOMAN: In your face! Give me the gun, I'm not doing this in front of Pencilvester. Bring him to the garage. You listen to me, you son of a bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors.

Where are my testicles, Summer?

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday!

but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast!

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry.

You quit school, but you still got some learning to do. Aah! Unh!

Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty,

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves.

Taco time!

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best.

but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

Since when do you have a job? Since last week.

Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store?

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, There's still fountains down there J,

Shmla -- Shmlangela? Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"!

l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right?

I'm sure it's good enough. Move!

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird. I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going.

I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.

Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward,

Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that.

I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever,

You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuffthem down and --

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.

Fine, whatever. Marty, stay. Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

No, you're the worst! You don't support this family!

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!!

Run, Marty! Run!

You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.

J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh...

Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first.

Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

He's unavailable. He's... having sex with you. We get it. Grass, Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh.

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!

Oh! Rick! Marty!

Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes!

Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?

I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there,

What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species, Beta Seven. Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.

J, Don't leave me J, J, Never leave me out J, J, Don't leave me J, J, Never leave me out J,

You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet!

One dot, motherfucker!

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy.

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah! Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts!

Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing. Then Jacob came into our lives, and...we're learning to live again. All three of us, Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there.

Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh!

You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers!

Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty, This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.

J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water...

Hold your fire! What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government, Thanks to the skilled diplomacy ofthis mysterious space car, from this day forward, human and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them,

I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?

Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha!

Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi!

Ohhhh, snap!

Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry.

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right!

Lucy, wow.

uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it,

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"?

FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me!

Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car.

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

God is dead! The government's lame!

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.

Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days.

And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend!

But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty!

...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick,

Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too.

J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!

Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real?

But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering.

What do you desire? Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items?

From Summer being a total bitch!

MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!

Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty,

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!

Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

Summer is doing really well here.

It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"?

That is su-- -- suspicious.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there? Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah.

Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now, Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you, Oh, my god, you guys. I get it. You're afraid the big, bad hive mind is gonna steal your grandpa away. Actually, no. I think Unity's great and you're a horrible influence on it. What? This isn't healthy, Rick. You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know?

- I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying. - Summer! - Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there! Why do you hate me, Summer? I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet,

Ooh, nice!

Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school.

but your eyes are so beautiful.

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then? its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "

His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little?

J, Space, space, space, space J,

Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay.

Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut? What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah! Come on out, Jerry!

Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

So, class dismissed. You've got the day off! All right! Good work, Mr. Goldenfold! Yeah, get outside. Read a book. Put on some sunscreen, Danielle! Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top. Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? No can do. Tonight's the big dance. And Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wing man.

Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it,

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right.

Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go.

the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh.

Jerry Smith? Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school. I hate acting. I hate cocaine. I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been. J, Give me a name J,

Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it,

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch!

To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science.

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

No! Don't flashback!

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two.

wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!

Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.

I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

Come here.

AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down.

Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me!

No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country,

Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist,

ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked. Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases.

Eggnog? Now we are talking!

Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV, and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask.

- You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario --

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty,

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy?

We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire!

Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!

I need five minutes.

I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

I don't know how this works! Help me!

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird.

You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.!

Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]

We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson.

You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Good birdie.

Hooray Principal Vagina!

She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

What the -- aah! Aah! Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J,

- Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.

and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so." Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on!

Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same.

Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people.

M-my drink is empty.

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it,

Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art.

Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this, just because Grandpa Rick is? It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you --

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!

I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real. Marty! Summer! It's me! lt's Rick! Regular Rick!

I consider it a violation.

And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone.

Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

once -- for once?

FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away.

Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.

I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but -- Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives.

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend,

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together.

Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

Seven. . . keep away from that personal space. Eight, personal space. Nine, personal space. You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space.

So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures?

Did you get any of that?

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg.

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator.

I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here.

Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.

i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters.

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee!

Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha!

Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue?

Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song!

Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.

Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely --

They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends. I guess that's the end ofthat. There is just one more thing. According to this state's Veterinarian statute,

What the -- aah! Aah!

SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad! MORTY: Drive carefully! Have fun, you two.

Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh... We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez!

My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this!

Aaaaaah!

Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

It's a good-a show!

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir? - Holy hell. - Sir!

There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

The shoes have to be turned on! BETH: I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret? I told you -- l was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.

J, Shit on the floor J,

BLANE: Need, or want? JACEY: I've never been much forwanting. BLANE: Spoken like someone with needs. Oh, geez. Hmm? Uh, sorry. K-Keep going. "Jacey reaches out and touches his face. It's clear he needs what she wants. She's a woman. He's a man. The city burns in the background as he takes her in his arms.

Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff?

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move.

Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words?

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.

Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it, God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky? Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things.

There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree,

now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,

Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet,

Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you,

It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.

Look at -- look at this.

I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other.

What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die.

I'm not.

That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah.

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

We're losing him. All right, fine.

I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick? H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth!

This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics.

It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes. Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time. Yes.

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here. You can have this back.

You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill --

Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J,

A price for everything. Oh, my god!

Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right!

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.

Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

ANNOUNCER: Ina world where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents,

All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,

I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower.

Well, your mother and I are gonna be spending some time apart, Marty, And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy. - What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next? What about this? Babylegs, you’re a good detective. But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J,

Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, "

Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here!

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together.

Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns? Yes.

Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General?

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks!

You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich.

Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black. Title -- 'three weeks earlier."' You really don't want to talk to me about this.

Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders.

I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.

What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!

JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?! Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life.

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty,

Aah! Don't think about it!

You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging.

the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

Oh, Jesus.

And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no. What the -- No!

Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,

Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine!

but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell,

- Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders,

Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?

Ow! I'm defeated.

you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem.

Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still.

Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?!

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be?

Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand.

improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes.

Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!

triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got.

I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty.

ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Annie. ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick. ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business.

Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did.

It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know?

so you can make an army of your badass self? There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple?

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream?

Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m--

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun,

The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on?

Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.

My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair.

J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse,

You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place?

But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers.

Noooooo!

Next time I party, I'm just gonna focus on getting totally wrecked.

All right, there's six of us, And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester!

That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby.

"gubba nub nub doo rah kah."

What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

Disqualified.

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest-- - Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.

I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians!

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?

They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine.

Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak, more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs -- one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory.

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man.

J, It's a small, small intestine J, It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something.

Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now, Ohh, man.

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

See you at the Olympics,

We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,

Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have --

Show me what you got!

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer!

then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Marty, I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick!

Come on, Morty.

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back!

Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children.

I got pregnant at 17. I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't... I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth.

Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside,

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down? Well, it's bath, But most importantly, you got to relax. You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don't think this is working. I give up, I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not?

Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what.

What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream?

- Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen?

Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith!

What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.

I wish this knot was looser.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!"

Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

Morty...

Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that. lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal.

A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you.

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real?

Oh, my God!

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

It's Hepatitis A!

grounded story about their shitty marriage.

but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,

A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody.

6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

Grandpa, go home and drink. Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age.

Wait, what?

Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race!

but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.

Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.

It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

Quite an operation you got going here, Une.

Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me! Just try to relax. You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!

i ll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other.

J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns!

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die?

f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?!

I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand.

I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine."

What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside.

Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica.

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here.

His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.

For real?

It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!

W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.

No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Yeah. Totally. Let's go. You will walk when it is time to walk.

sometimes science is about conviction.

Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks.

They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

Ohhhhh!

JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na,

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt?

You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop, You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick. What do you know, Marty? What do you know?

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy. You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No!

I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water.

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

Dad, I'm so confused!

Something's gonna come through. I can feel it. I'm going inside. I guess this is what rock bottom feels like, Jerry. Ow! It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous.

Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty? Any idea what that is down there? The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are. lfwe would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because y-- because you're so in love with school. All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty,

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.

the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?

Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"?

I got to tell you, this morning, I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.

I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks.

Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now.

- Aaaah! - Holy --

Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec.

What the hell was that?

You got that right. But, baby, listen -- Y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to -- got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know? I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay.

Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run."

I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

The Mega trees?

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go!

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up,

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love --

The thing. The thing.

Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist. That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round.

I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you.

You're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon. So...? Well, don't different animals... require different levels of skill to keep alive? undefined Oh, god, Get the deer in the car, Jerry. Yes, Beth.

Look at this -- you beat cancer,

Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!

Jesus.

Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead.

Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this?

you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep.

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality!

This is gonna be fun. Hey, Marty, let me -- let me -- let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius." Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.

Ugh! No!

I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now.

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

Which is good, because the relationship in their heads is not only ugly, it's unsustainable. You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different, none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

God damn it, Morty.

Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives,

Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath.

The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Run! Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! - Out. - Whatcha doin'? Well, I can't solve the problem my way, thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups. Gross. I might havejust touched one of Morty's loads. But maybe I can find suitable parents for Marty Jr, on this robot's home world, which is...

Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J,

Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit.

lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich!

You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is,

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here!

Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry.

That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

Sh-sh-shut up.

I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick!

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them.

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man.

That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.

I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay. Hey, we agreed. Never in the house.

Hey, don't shove me!

What's that? Who's that baby? Marty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?

Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick?

This disaster was an inside job.

That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Marty, Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez! I just gotta go to the bathroom. Damn. Oh, Okay, good.

I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,

We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore.

Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home!

You son of a bitch! Eat this!

...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg.

i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town.

We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go.

Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend,

Uhhh...

Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke! Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now,

You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um -- you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know? Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean...

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger.

Okay, if we add a little more titanium nitrate and just a tad of chlorified tartrate... ...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!

And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life. GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret.

Well, Jerry I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but -- Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work.

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J,

I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.

- We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is. Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50? Where am l? Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital.

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will --

I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

I would love to have you.

Ooh, well, for millennia,

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky.

Fuck no.

How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down,

NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad.

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV, Mrs. Sullivan always planned to leave everything to her cats.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Easy, Rick.

Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you.

J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired.

Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right! Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face like Wart from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee! How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about?

What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah!

You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,

sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel. Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop, What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer.

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing.

Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty.

Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up?

Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally. Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!

Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect.

Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah.

Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty,

You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?

Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J,

and...

Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea.

No, "Telepathy."

J, These memories that we have J, J, These memories that we cherish J,

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.

Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.

- So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs?

Thanks, Rick, but I don't know if I should. You know, you were right about the Universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place. Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know. This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Marty style. Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally.

Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone!

Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty,

Fun facts about this one --

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. ..

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers.

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes.

Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll, Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien...

It's a good-a show!

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore.

He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.

Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science. A man and his boy, making planets. Hey, how about we use a ping-pong ball for Pluto? And then Jupiter -- Uh, actually, I don't think Pluto's a planet.

l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick.

Your failures are your own, old man.

Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out.

Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick.

I'll take you to dinner. Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine.

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

- You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer.

Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

ALL:

You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen,

Aah!

See you, Uh, Rick, I think we should allgo. Tend to your garden, kids. I'm kind of doing a thing here. Whoo! Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you, Oh, my god, you guys. I get it. You're afraid the big, bad hive mind is gonna steal your grandpa away. Actually, no. I think Unity's great and you're a horrible influence on it.

The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa,

Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Call as up and order some fake doors today.

Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

You guys are the fucking worst!

Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go.

Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel.

ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick!

- My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Depending on my aim,

Birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet -- Opening myself up to others. SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker! Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic.

Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man.

Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

I hate you so much right now.

You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

- Nothing. - Nothing! Oh, uh, one ofthe lunch ladies died. They found her in the gym with, like, two holes in her neck and all the blood drained out of her. Good lord! Who does something like that? Obviously a vampire. W-W-Where's the pepper? Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now,

I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain.

Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly.

Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick -- almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu...

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you.

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery!

A violent antique show.

You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

My god, the man's a genius.

It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey.

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.

You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies.

Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!

Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice. So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big,

J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J,

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!

"Okay" -- like you're gonna quietly teleport somewhere and never come back? No. It's your house. Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on?

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

Get in the goddamn ship!!

You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Aah! Unh!

I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,

The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."

I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying.

Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!

l was your only friend, and I get nothing? Okay. I'll give you one thing. Name it. I want to help you. Clever twist. I learned from the best, you old fart. Now, let's go get you hydrated. Looks like we've got... haunted boxing gloves that wril make you the heavyweight champion in 1936,

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave. That is a hatch. Your father put a hatch in my garage. You don't know it was him. Anyway, we're not supposed to be in here. Obviously, neither is whatever's gurgling down there.

Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

It's our son with Albert Ein-douche.

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty,

Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me.

Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ...

ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat... ...liven Ow! ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great.

Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.

- Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me? Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes.

Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome. J, Look on down from the bridge J,

Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy,

but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel. Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop,

Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.

See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"?

Well, then my son's going to fail his science class, and when that happens, l'm suing you first. I think I know what the "A" in NASA stands for. - Dad, what's your endgame? - Ain't no game, sucka. Why don't we just make the solar system with eight planets? It's even easier. Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round?

You eat our food and make gadgets.

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.

Well, terrific. Dad, what's going on? What's the deal here? I just wanted to spend some time with my daughter. You're growing up so fast. You used to be my little girl. Yeah. Remember when we used to go to the playground, and I'd push you on the swings? Oh, you could push me higher than all the other kids.

Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty,

Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever.

school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green?

Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

How?

Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math.

relatively speaking.

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

That movie sucked.

Kill him!

Yes.

What in the hell?

Hmm. Human music.

Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp.

Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty,

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you? Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh,

Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am?

Yeah! We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now! Did he just say "Musical Reality Show"? Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all. Help! We should go get him.

Me, too.

Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool.

it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer.

W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun?

She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.

We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

Why -- Why would I do that? You do that?

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible!

get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty,

Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that.

Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did.

It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you. So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge? l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool.

Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god!

BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out!

We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh.

It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know? Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Disqualified!

It's a good-a show!

Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose. Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky.

They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s?

Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me! Just try to relax. You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way.

Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside.

Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.

There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these?

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em. Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone.

I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.

I'm an alcoholic.

Whoa! What did you do?

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat...

Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah! So...

JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired. Wha-- But t-this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation. Well, then, it was a terrible simulation. Get out. Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?

Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits! ...where the food is tiny. It looks like regular food, but really tiny. You can put it in your mouth and eat it. Nothing gets stuck in your lips. It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie.

Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.

Now I'm hooked.

Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me! l-l never intended to harm you, I swear. I am trying to end the festival. W-W-What do you mean? l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival. Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her!

Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit,

You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

Oh, my god!

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man!

Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket.

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie!

No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,

Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target. Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax.

Come on. It's not every day that I'm town. It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet? I can do whatever you do and more, baby.

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

I am a baby! I'm a baby now! Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!

You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only!

Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured?

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!

You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around! How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch! I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that!

Assemble the troops. I've made a decision. Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak,

The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them!

Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week. Unity, could you get Rick out here, please? He's unavailable. He's... having sex with you. We get it. Grass,

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers.

MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.

J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased!

Yes, siree!

God damn it! God damn it!!

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em.

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating!

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer.

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation!

Oh! Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

How you feel?! Why is everything always happening to you?! Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why?

Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room? Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?

Wait. Destroy it.

Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

J, How could I say goodbye? J, J, How could I say goodbye? J,

I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery.

Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains... if you impose Gazorpazorp's laws on Earth, you're no better than the men whose farts shall remain unspoken. And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute.

Come on, spit it out!

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

What's that dipshit doing out there?

Now, pick up your dead self and come on.

Uh-huh. No, mother -- no. Earth, dude. No, I'm talking about -- Yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you get to the dolphin people, you gone too far. All right, man, I'll talkto you later. Okay. You know what they do to third-dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever.

You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid.

but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory.

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

They changed it in 2006,

Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up,

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole.

Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

Whoo, baby! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. ..

No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame. My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey...

Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! Dad, I'm so confused!

JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly --

Yes. You do? ALL: Yes. So...| sold it? I sold the idea? ALL: Yes. Oh, my god! Thank you! TOGETHER: Thank you. You're welcome. Hey!

Marty! Summer! It's me! lt's Rick! Regular Rick! Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head!

Wubba lubba dub dubs!

Uh, anything else. What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here.

Here's some porn.

Our pleasure.

55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people! Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo!

PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got!

Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol --

Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty,

Here's the deal. I'm not here to judge. I'm just a guy from another planet. But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha?

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles.

I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Hold onl

Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.

before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine.

Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run"

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you.

Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?

Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place,

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong,

W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

Class dismissed.

Nice racket you got going on here. Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist.

This is bad, Marty,

Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

but it also made me impotent! A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed!

That's right, assholes.

A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."

It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world,

Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

Are you kidding me?! Come on!

So who's homesick? By applause.

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!

Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.

Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh. See you,

"Feels Good."

- Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah!

Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice. Unity, is it a bad time? Are all present life forms assimilated? Beta Seven, this is my single-minded friend from Earth, Rick. Rick Sanchez.

Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine.

Are you guys Power Rangers,

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.

l squanch my family.

You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse!

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.

It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence.

You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.

Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!

- I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain!

I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing?

You broke your time twice.

Tammy? Birdperson!! No!! Holy --

l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should --

Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch.

Nice.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

- Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

but it's my two cents on the issue.

So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah.

Jesus.

All right, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance. Yeah, I'm just going to... check on your mom. Marty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Marty, It's gonna be great. Hey, listen, Rick. Y-Y-You know how you said that, you know, love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier?

All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

Ooh, he's trying!

Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad.

Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

Let's just say you don't pay-, with money.

Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name?

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick.

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?!

Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad? l'm ignoring you. Marty, if I can get to the top ofthat lighthouse,

Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.

' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!

Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait.

In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man. PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom!

lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run!

I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow.

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.

Hi, Frank. Aah!

We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath.

I'll be in the garage.

Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch?

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details.

What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run! Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl. Oh, Jacob.

Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

Well, son, what did youthink when you were five and you pooped your pants, and you threw your poopy undies out your bedroom window because you thought it was like throwing something in the garbage?

but this is real science.

J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

We'll be right back after these messages.

You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty, - It would go without saying, huh? - Yeah, it would. Did you hear me say it? Nah. The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown.

There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible?

1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you --

Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,

Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this.

And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves?

Is that what I think it is? Yes, every couple gets to re-create Jack's drowning at the end ofthe movie. It's so romantic. I can't wait to do that with Beth. I don't know, Jerry. With all due respect... it seems like your wife may not be that interested. Look! Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed.

Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor

Grandpa's back, baby!

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind?

[processing, powering up f

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell?

We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick.

No! Nobody's doing that!

Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.

Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow!

Poor little Rickless bastards.

It's a good-a show!

This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere,

Answer me!

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes. Would you relax, Marty? There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why?

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs.

l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth.

Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older.

Well, then I hate Christmas!

Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs.

Pride cometh before the fall.

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.

You're welcome. Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,

I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay? We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them.

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Did you get any ofthat?

Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what?

All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?

Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.

Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese? That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school.

Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!

I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.

Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk.

Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat?

Jesus fucking Christ.

Ooh, family vacation! Did you get any of that?

Can do!

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!

Quite an operation you got going here, Une. You're a whole planet now, huh?

Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on?

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,

Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree!

Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace.

RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline.

and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful.

He's busy.

Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry.

God, I feel terrible. Yep, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the Universe can be.

Everyone has a plumbus in their home.

Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical.

For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day!

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!! All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob.

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants!

What -- what -- what are you in tar?

Ooh, nice! I think we'll take our food to go. No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer.

We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there,

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!

I didn't ask to be born!

Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator.

MORTY: Jerryboreel?

Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing!

Out of the simulation, Morty.

I got news for you.

Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall.

Then I better crunch the numbers.

"Get Schwifty" was a jam. Hello? Yes, sir, yeah.

Get off of me, Morty!

- I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim!

Right now.

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant!

I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah!

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen.

Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come.

MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!

undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain.

JERRY: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk.

Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry. This aftershave made women want me,

Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right.

who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick.

And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter.

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt".,

You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship.

We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size,

It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.

Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Zing! That guy got it.

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But --

That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.

Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware.

I love doing cocaine with you.

We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here.

i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them.

- No. - And away we go! And away we go!

Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework? Yeah -- j-just don't do it. Grandpa! Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar? Wow, Hat trick. All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

- Summer! - Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there! Why do you hate me, Summer? I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.

and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks!

Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,

Because he's dead, too!

Back off!

We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter?

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah!

They have been blowin' me up,

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh.

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

What kind of business do you do in a garage? You know, this seems a little shady. Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty? Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady.

RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.

I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

It's a good show!

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind.

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom.

Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey!

The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.

balls, balls. ..

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J,

Puh! This late?

...not a planet.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty --

I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum.

RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. Man, this place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices? Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is.

All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families.

Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged.

My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman.

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.

I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer.

Open fire! Aah! Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off.

but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.

See that?

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me!

Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face!

you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens.

Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company.

Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover,

You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry.

Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.

You know what? l-l-l accept your call to adventure, good sir, kind sir. Come on, Rick. There's a giant in the clouds! Yeah. Beginner's luck. MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives.

"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you!

but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,

Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell?

Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

There's no time to squanch!

Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?! Drop the gun.

Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty.

Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna."

The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now.