Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.
Stop right there!
If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F."
RICK: He doesn't care.
Aw, man!
Rick, I have to go back!
I think I was about to get married!
Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty,
What?!
Listen to me, Marty,
Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,
Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,
Ugh! Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is,
"I don't give a fuck!"
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! And that's it,
Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole,
Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor,
Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.
Uh, dad, that's like 10 people.
6, 10, what's the difference?
I just love the number 6 for no reason!
Where's my pencil at?
Here, Rick! Use me!
Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,
Arthrisha, what do you got?
Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good '
Oh, ho!
I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it!
"Feels Good."
It's a fucking hit song,
J, It feels good J,
Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho!
J, Oh, it feels good J, This is for you, Daddy.
Oh, man!
Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr,
I've got to tell you something very important, okay?
Killing is bad -- bad!
You're silly, Daddy.
No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay?
You need to put your energy into something else.
I mean, what about dancing? J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
That's the end, motherfucker!
"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!
Fuck you! J, It's the Rick dance J,
That's the Rick dance! All right!
Whoa, man!
What the hell was that?!
I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,
But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?
I'm starting to come down, Marty, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.
I took it okay the first time,
and now you're just repeating stuff.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.
Yeah, you're still doing it.
It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J,
J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J, Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick?
We did it!
All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working.
You ready to head home?
Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick?
Well, you know what?
We're not bailing out just yet.
You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or --
or something and --
and we're gonna bring it to those villagers.
Marty, cut your losses.
This is obviously a wash.
Yeah, you were saying that back -- All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up,
You guys are the fucking worst!
Your gods are a lie!
Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!
Yes! You did it! Yes!
Hey, uh, how about that drink?
Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. "I don't give a fuck!"
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
That's the end, motherfucker!
"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!
Fuck you! J, It's a flu-hating rap J,
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!
Oh, my god, Morty.
You look really nice tonight.
Wow, thanks.
I love you, Marty!
I love you so much it burns!
Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, I feel it all in my soul J,
J, It feels good J,
Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.
Never expected that out of you.
All right, uh, let's go find my ship. All right, everybody, party is officially over!
Rick, take us home now.
All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!
Boo, boo! Marty sucks!
Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.
RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,
But these gears just started turnin'.
LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry? J, Say it with me J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Raised up posterior J,
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Sing it with me now!
Oh, my go--
J, Head bent over J,
Yeah.
J, Raised up posterior J,
All right! J, His name is Scary Terry J,
J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?
lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.
J, Take off your pants and your panties J,
J, Shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,
"Mr. Bulldops"? This isn't "Game of Thrones."
Ow!
All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.
Are you happy now, Marty?
Heck, yeah!
Thank you, Grandpa Rick.
Hey, there's no... dangers or anything,
or side effects, right?
W-W-W-What am l, a hack? Ooh, hey!
Ooh, oh!
Oh, man.
- Come and join us.
- I'm sorry. No, no.
Ooh, come here!
No, thanks!
Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby!
No, I'm okay.
Whoa!
Summer?!
Hey, there, stranger. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.
How could you be so dishonest with this family?
Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know,
my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,
who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?
Hey, Tammy was cool!
And now we know why.
Because of you!
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, in other opposite news, information. . .
Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy?
W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side ofthe screen like that?
I don't know, Marty, See what else is on, huh?
Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. "
i 'm Pichaei Thompson.
Hey, wait a minute, Rick.
This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left.
Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend.
Uh, y-you will?
Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.
Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.
Stop right there!
If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F."
RICK: He doesn't care.
Aw, man!
Rick, I have to go back!
I think I was about to get married!
Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty,
What?! Huh.
J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Christmas drums J,
Oh, sing it, Summer.
J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J,
Oh, I love to hear you sing. Oh, thank God, Morty.
Oh, you're welcome.
All right, let's get out of here.
lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We're not going anywhere.
This is my house.
I'm not abandoning it,
It's all over, Jerry.
The dogs are on a path to total world domination.
But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
That's the Rick dance! All right!
Whoa, man!
What the hell was that?!
I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,
But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?
The answer is don't think about it,
It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.
We get three or four more ofthese, tops,
Now, pick up your dead self and come on.
Haste makes waste.
l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail,
but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did,
we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome. You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
The rest is annoying garbage.
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?
Do it! Do it, motherfucker!
Pull the fucking trigger! Unity! Unity!
Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here.
BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged.
Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.
Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie.
We are, Marty,
All right, Beta shit Seven,
you just got saved by the bell, bitch!
MAN: Did you get any ofthat?
MAN: It's-a good show-a, Oh, geez.
Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me!
She tried to purge me, Marty,
You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead.
Rick, she took the car!
You fucking kidding me, Marty?!
She took my car and the gun,
We're like the rest of these assholes now.
W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty,
Help me up,
Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Unity's not into other hive minds.
It's gonna suck you in and use you up,
and a month from now,
I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs!
Unity! Unity!
Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here.
BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged.
Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.
Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie.
We are, Marty,
All right, Beta shit Seven, Your idiot dog!
Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.
D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? He -- he roped me into this.
Well, that one over there roped me into this.
Well, he roped me into this.
Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves --
scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.
All right, okay, y-you know,
ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid.
Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know? Just hit a button, Marty! Give me a beat!
Oh, man. Okay. All right, um...
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, You gotta get schwifty J,
J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,
J, It's time to get schwifty J, You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
The rest is annoying garbage.
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?
Do it! Do it, motherfucker! In your face!
One dot, motherfucker!
Yes! Oh, yes!
All right, you know what I'm talking about.
- Oh, that was a close call.
- Oh, yeah!
I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty,
- Oh, yeah, do it.
- Check me out.
I'm doing the Cabbage Patch.
- Do it right.
- I'm doing it, too.
- Do the cabbage patch.
- It's a classic dance.
- Do it, Do the dance.
- Oh shit look at that.
Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? Aw, man, geez!
Seriously?
Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty,
Here, here take these, Marty,
Take these.
Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?
Close.
It's gonna make your kidneys shut down.
What?!
lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,
Don't even trip, dawg. J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.
There's something special about you, Marty --
so special.
Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!
Back off! I'm trying to be with my man!
That's enough, Bradley!
We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. The dimension I visited was so advanced,
they had also halted the aging process,
and everyone there was young, Marty,
and they had been forever.
l was the only old person there, Marty,
It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity,
walking around.
H was fascinating to them.
There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they --
they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. What the hell was that?!
I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,
But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?
I'm starting to come down, Marty,
Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV
Awesome! You don't have to mollycoddle me.
I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts.
All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally,
of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing.
I feel like, you know,
we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest--
- Get out.
- Um, what?
No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door,
you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time.
Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.
We're not skipping a beat, Marty,
Now, help me with these bodies.
This is insane.
Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay?
I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me --
I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty,
Be better than me.
Oh shit! The other collar!
I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers. All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick?
I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
You know what I mean? We're like the rest of these assholes now.
W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty,
Help me up,
Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.
Why don't we just use your portal gun?
It's in the car, dip-ass.
Oh, god, it hurts.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
l was just trying to do right. Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him!
He is more man than you will ever be!
J, This is about flu awareness J,
J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,
J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. Oh, well, okay.
A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs.
This isn't "Game of Thrones."
Ow!
All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.
Are you happy now, Marty?
Heck, yeah!
Thank you, Grandpa Rick.
Hey, there's no... dangers or anything,
or side effects, right? but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,
because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know?
I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did,
you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around.
Don't you worry about that sort of thing,
Cronenberg Morty.
Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.
Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap!
Get out! Get out!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get the fuck out of the flying machine!
Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend,
but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then...
Jerry, just say it,
Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real?
Jesus, Jerry.
No, you're real.
Hey, look at me.
Now, I don't know which way is up out there, J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,
J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J,
Holy crap, Marty, you're right.
ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?
Well, yeah, duh-doy. No, Frasier.
A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,
The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms.
All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez.
Change of plan, people,
Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman,
Billy Corgan, and The-Dream.
The-Dream?
He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.
Hey, Rick.
Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh?
Oh, yes, Morty.
l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it?
Yeah, you know?
There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is,
Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah.
Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing.
Wha-- convincing?
Oh, Responsive, too. J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl!
Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Oh, geez, Rick.
W-w-whoa, this isn't good.
Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! What do you desire?
Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey.
Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right?
Let's just say you don't pay-, with money.
That was perfect.
You pay with the curses, right?
Um... l-well,.,
But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Wait, what?! Vampires are real?!
Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew?
Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now,
Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe.
Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?
Well, what are we going to do?!
We're gonna live our lives until we die.
Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
The rest is annoying garbage.
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?
Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Hey, listen, I've grown, too.
l have!
See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right?
Hm. Why's that, I wonder?
Maybe it's part of getting old.
Maybe I just missed being with a collective.
ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Yes. Yes.
Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it, We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl!
Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha!
Rick? How -- How did you --
Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered,
this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought,
"Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?
Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself,
and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks.
What's the BFD?" So here I am.
I'm Tiny Rick!
O-O-Okay. Mmm.
Thank you, Fido.
Rick!
I thought you were dead!
No, no, no, l was just playing dead.
Good news, though, Morty.
This whole thing's gonna be over really soon.
What?
It's a dream, Marty,
We're in your dog's dream.
The night the dogs captured us,
after you cried and crapped your pants, we --
we all went to sleep. Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,
Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
In my butt?
Come on, Morty.
Please, Marty, Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.
J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,
J, Wait for you to get it on your own,
X gonna deliver to ya J,
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,
J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J,
J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,
J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, We're not skipping a beat, Marty,
Now, help me with these bodies.
This is insane.
Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay?
I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me --
I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,
Did you get any of that?
It's a good-a show! Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could --
Uh, l have a boyfriend.
Okay.
I'm not trying to be rude.
I just -- I don't want to lead you on.
l-l-l understand.
I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.
Here we are, Cronenberg Marty --
a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.
We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,
It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,
Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,
but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, This is my grandson, Marty,
Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael.
I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa.
Here. Go away.
Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly.
So, this shoots antimatter?
My target can't be killed with regular matter.
Nice to meet you, Marty,
Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered,
please give me a call.
I'm very discreet.
You're g-giving him a card?!
l have no code of ethics. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Christmas drums J,
Oh, sing it, Summer.
J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J,
Oh, I love to hear you sing. Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order.
Don't put this on Acquisitions!
We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated!
Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see!
Oh, oh! It was no one's fault.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.
Oh, wait -- no.
There's still another human in here! ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me?
Loud and clear, Annie.
ANNIE: Great.
We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian.
ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick.
Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing,
Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media.
Hey, everybody.
Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick.
ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Yeah. Talk to me.
Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking. It's gonna be fine.
All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals.
Oh, shit, motherfucker!
Kalaxian crystals, Marty,
just a few miles south of here.
Okay. Let's go, then.
W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you.
I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know? J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J,
J, Stay out my way, mother J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, All right, there's six of us,
And that's it,
Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole,
Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor,
Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.
Uh, dad, that's like 10 people.
6, 10, what's the difference?
I just love the number 6 for no reason!
Where's my pencil at?
Here, Rick! Use me!
Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! I feel like, you know,
we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest--
- Get out.
- Um, what?
No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door,
you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you,
and you take a giant shit on it.
Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon --
Well, you can't. I want you out of here.
You're a petty person, and you're insecure,
and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. Your planet just got cellphones,
and the coverage still sucks!
RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.
So, let's say 60 smidgens.
I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor.
I'll throw in a fart.
Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place,
like a souvenir, like, just to have -- Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
No, I can't deal with this!
Calm yourself, Morty.
I can't deal with this, Rick!
- Calm down, Morty.
- This can't be real!
- You gotta calm down, Marty,
- W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart!
Shut up and listen to me!
It's fine. Everything is fine.
There's an infinite number of realities, Marty,
and in a few dozen ofthose,
I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,
J, It's a flu-hating rap J,
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!
Oh, my god, Morty.
You look really nice tonight.
Wow, thanks.
I love you, Marty!
I love you so much it burns! I'll see you around.
Oh, man. What -- What happened?
Don't worry about it, Marty,
Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece,
you better hurry up, Now's your last chance.
Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could --
Uh, l have a boyfriend.
Okay.
I'm not trying to be rude.
I just -- I don't want to lead you on.
l-l-l understand. I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.
Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, check the engine room,
Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty?
Any idea what that is down there?
The Mega trees?
That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them.
And that's what I'm talking about, Marty,
That's where my seeds are.
lfwe would have done what you wanted,
I would have never have found them,
because y-- because you're so in love with school.
All right, all right.
So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways?
You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry.
Have fun.
Come on, Morty.
That was fantastic, Rick!
Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.
W-w-w-what is it?
It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear,
you can enter people's dreams, Marty,
It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about.
You talking about "Inception"? I'm losing it here, Rick!
Relax, Marty, relax!
It's gonna be fine.
All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals.
Oh, shit, motherfucker!
Kalaxian crystals, Marty,
just a few miles south of here.
Okay. Let's go, then.
W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. Hey, you know what, Marty?
Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it?
What?! No! What is your problem?!
Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch,
don't watch, but, you know, it's my car.
Also, if you tell your mom about this,
- l'll purge you.
- You're the worst.
This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? ALL: Hello, Rick.
Long time no see.
U nity?
Rick?
Grandpa?
Oh, boy, Uh...
these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty,
Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity.
We sort of used to, uh. ..date. Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said,
"go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"?
Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like,
"Whoa, this is unexpected.
This is not what I was expecting, Marty,
What a perplexing mystery this is."
All right, all right, we're inside the battery.
I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.
Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... You're my little friend, aren't you?
We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty?
We -- you're a real true hero out in the field.
You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty?
Have you been drinking, Rick?
I really appreciate you, Marty,
O-okay, cool.
A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch!
Y-y -- are you a simulation?!
Huh?! Are you a simulation?! like a souvenir, like, just to have --
like, something cool, you know?
Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else.
Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop.
MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um --
you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know?
Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?
Yeah! You know, I mean... How could you be so dishonest with this family?
Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know,
my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,
who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?
Hey, Tammy was cool!
And now we know why.
Because of you!
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
and fuck me for letting my guard down, Check out the new dance I made up.
It's called "Ooh let me out!"
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, Let me out, Let me out J, So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial,
overly sensitive, clingy,
hysterical, bird-brained homunculi.
And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age,
I go by amount of pain in my ass,
which makes you both identical.
All right, everything resolved?
Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world,
BOTH:
Yes. Seriously?
Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty,
Here, here take these, Marty,
Take these.
Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?
Close.
It's gonna make your kidneys shut down.
What?!
lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,
Don't even trip, dawg. Ow!
Oh, my god!
RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!
Wait, but I --
- Oh, Beth! Why?!
- I need an ambulance!
There's been a shooting. My wife shot...
Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought --
Keep breathing!
- Oh, god, What's happening?
- Look at me!
Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! See you,
Uh, Rick, I think we should allgo.
Tend to your garden, kids. I'm kind of doing a thing here.
Whoo!
Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you,
Oh, my god, you guys. I get it.
You're afraid the big, bad hive mind is gonna steal your grandpa away.
Actually, no. I think Unity's great and you're a horrible influence on it. Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world,
you got to work twice as hard.
Aw, geez, Dad.
Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.
Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi,
Oh, come on, Rick.
You know I can't.
The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing.
You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand.
You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know?
She's a real --
You got to hang on tight, you know?
Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.
Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Nothing.
- Nothing!
Oh, uh, one ofthe lunch ladies died.
They found her in the gym with, like, two holes in her neck and all the blood drained out of her.
Good lord! Who does something like that?
Obviously a vampire. W-W-Where's the pepper?
Wait, what?! Vampires are real?!
Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew?
Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now, It's called "Ooh let me out!"
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J, I'll tell you what, though.
lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after,
I think I might have an idea.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.
J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,
J, Wait for you to get it on your own,
X gonna deliver to ya J,
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, Marty?
Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this?
Okay, buddy.
All right. That's good. Good job. Yes, I did it! There is no God!
In your face!
One dot, motherfucker!
Yes! Oh, yes!
All right, you know what I'm talking about.
- Oh, that was a close call.
- Oh, yeah!
I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty,
- Oh, yeah, do it.
- Check me out.
I'm doing the Cabbage Patch.
- Do it right.
- I'm doing it, too.
- Do the cabbage patch.
- It's a classic dance.
- Do it, Do the dance.
- Oh shit look at that. Oh, god, it hurts.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
l was just trying to do right.
Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.
Heads up, Rapists.
Well, don't just stand there, Marty,
- Purge 'em.
- Me?
No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them?
Pick up a stick or something and kill them.
Um, w-we come in peace. and they'll tear us apart, Marty,
But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things,
Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,
we're gonna run around, Marty,
We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty,
Just you and me, Marty,
Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
It's just Rick and Marty --
Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, You miss your Fart friend, huh?
Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.
While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side,
and they're all coming to visit.
What?! Rick, no! You can't!
Too late, Marty, The hole's opening.
No, Rick! You don't understand.
There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too. before they even got pregnant, i bet,
I don't want to be that girl,
but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.
Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.
And then they found out i was attached,
along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit,
Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "
Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial,
overly sensitive, clingy,
hysterical, bird-brained homunculi.
And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age,
I go by amount of pain in my ass,
which makes you both identical.
All right, everything resolved?
Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, All right, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance.
Yeah, I'm just going to... check on your mom.
Marty, hand me that screwdriver, huh?
I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Marty,
It's gonna be great.
Hey, listen, Rick.
Y-Y-You know how you said that, you know,
love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier? J, Friends with each other J,
J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J,
J, No kitchen sinkles J,
J, No little brother J,
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Don't fall for it, It's a bit.
Just kidding! Ha, ha!
You fast got Ricleyd.
You’ve reached Ricks voicemail,
You know what to do. f beep ]
Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, We're not skipping a beat, Marty,
Now, help me with these bodies.
This is insane.
Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay?
I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me --
I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,
Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?
The answer is don't think about it, This is bad, Marty,
You're trapped in a dead man.
Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,
do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.
It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas.
We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,
I mean, the pirates are really rapey.
The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
l was just trying to do right.
Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.
Heads up, Rapists.
Well, don't just stand there, Marty,
- Purge 'em.
- Me?
No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them?
Pick up a stick or something and kill them.
Um, w-we come in peace. Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?
Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him!
He is more man than you will ever be!
J, This is about flu awareness J,
J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,
J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry. Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped.
Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped --
A bad song's a bad song,
Well, do you think, maybe --
Could you give me some help with it, or...?
Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber.
Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker,
and that there's half Marty, half --
who -- who knows wh-what?
It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it.
- Grandpa Rick, no, no!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What do you think you're doing?!
Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.
I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework?
Yeah -- j-just don't do it.
Grandpa!
Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?
Wow, Hat trick.
All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this.
I got to help your pathetic family.
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say.
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.
Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.
It's on. Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah.
Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position.
But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge,
and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is?
Seriously, Rick?
Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots?
Okay, yeah, fine.
But let's make it interesting, Marty,
l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap!
Get out! Get out!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get the fuck out of the flying machine!
Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay!
Back up, asshole.
Back up,
Ohh. I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty,
- We gotta escape.
- I'm not gonna help you, Rick.
Y-You're a monster.
Don't be rick-diculous, Marty,
Will you stop saying that? It's stupid.
Take his Marty away.
Come with me.
Yeah, gladly.
Geez, man. Ricks, huh?
Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know,
my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,
who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?
Hey, Tammy was cool!
And now we know why.
Because of you!
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
and fuck me for letting my guard down,
which Iwill never do again. J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J,
J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
J, It's the, it's the J, RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty?
Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time.
You don't have to keep saying it over and over.
Man, this place is way off the grid.
This guy does not want to be found.
Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide?
I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices?
Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is. Davin. Davin.
Da vini Davin.
Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J,
J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J,
J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J,
J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, It's still alive.
Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...?
It's not an armadillo, asshole.
I thought that's what a man's supposed to say.
It's not like I could've actually done it,
lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it,
but I -- I think we have tojust...
It's okay. This is just something that happens.
And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do? This is not okay!
Not only do they all want to have sex with me,
but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards!
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
Mantises are the opposite of voles?
I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that.
You know what, though, Marty?
This right here's gonna do the trick, baby.
lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee,
cactus, shark, golden retriever, When we get to Customs,
I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine. Wow, it's the planet's core.
JERRY: I'm just saying,
we keep acting like there's only two options,
but there's not.
So, yes, if we went back to Earth,
as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us,
But, and this is purely hypothetical,
what if we turned your father in to the government?
Jerry, so help me god,
if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!
Here we go!
J, Summer and Tinkles J,
J, Friends with each other J,
J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J,
J, No kitchen sinkles J,
J, No little brother J,
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white,
uh... guilt --
white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.
Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --
you know, you’re pretty mean to me,
but that takes the cake.
i don't give a fuck. It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.
Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just,
you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out,
and, you know, doing a little bonding and --
Screw that. This is my chance...
to gain some footing with the cool kids.
That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17.
Why do you party?
To get ...
wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important,
and they'll tear us apart, Marty,
But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things,
Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,
we're gonna run around, Marty,
We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty,
Just you and me, Marty,
Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
It's just Rick and Marty -- I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick.
I think it will be great, Marty,
You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages.
I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop,
You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven.
You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick.
What do you know, Marty?
What do you know? What the hell is going on, Rick?
What does it look like?
T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus.
It's gone airborne, Marty,
Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?
It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax.
lwhipped up an antidote.
It's based on praying-mantis DNA.
You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles.
I mean, they -- they mate once,
and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. J, Let me out J,
J, What you see is not the same person as me J,
J, My life's a lie J,
J, I'm not who you're looking at J,
J, Let me out, set me free J,
J, I'm really old; this isn't me J,
J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J, Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God!
In your face!
One dot, motherfucker!
Yes! Oh, yes! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.
You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe,
and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite.
I can fix this. Marty, sit here.
Summer, you sit here. Now, listen.
I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways,
but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned,
you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.
I can prove it mathematically. J, Stay out my way, mother J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, Come on, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that.
Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you,
but what people call "love"
is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed.
lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades,
leaving you stranded in a failing marriage.
I did it, Your parents are gonna do it,
Break the cycle, Marty,
Rise above. Focus on science. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God! Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then?
Yeah! Of course you should!
No, keep it.
Move it up, actually, if you can,
RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it.
So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity?
You know what, Rick? Hmm, uh, what are you doing?
I'm playing African dream pop,
What do you do after a long night?
Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going.
Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.
- Beth...
- What is it, Davin?
Just once, I'd like to know -- Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter.
Oh, my boy, My boy,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.
I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone.
W-W-W-Wh at?
Leave the car alone.
Hunter? Don't --
Oh, my god,
Stay here, Hunter! No!
God, no! Hunter! Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could --
Uh, l have a boyfriend.
Okay.
I'm not trying to be rude.
I just -- I don't want to lead you on.
l-l-l understand.
I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.
I took it okay the first time, Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
It's just Rick and Marty --
Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,
Rick and Marty forever and forever.
100 years, Rick and Morty's things.
Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time.
All day long, forever.
All -- a hundred days. Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
and fuck me for letting my guard down,
which Iwill never do again.
Geez, Rick!
You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.
ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
Actually, the wedding was beautiful.
The reception got out of hand.
Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, i can't see a thing.
And also, i can't feel anything, either.
Did i mention that?
But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes,
so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside.
i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease.
All my -- all my nerves,
they don 't allow for the sensation of touch,
so i never know what's going on.
Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know, Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.
Hey, speak for yourself, because it
sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover.
GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Jacob is your mother's lover.
I watch them --
Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet,
almost always dressed as Superman. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Christmas drums J,
Oh, sing it, Summer.
J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J,
Oh, I love to hear you sing. That's Earth therapy.
You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round.
I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified.
I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate.
Well, we want to make it work, if we can,
It's just --
Then it's settled.
No need to pack.
Oh!
Let's go, go, go, go!
Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know, J, Ohh, it feels good J,
Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney,
P It feels good, yeah '
Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!
Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,
Arthrisha, what do you got?
Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good '
Oh, ho! Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.
In this reality, he's still alive.
Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters,"
which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.
But then, when they made the movie, You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry.
You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is,
Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg.
Here's a pair on us, fool.
Aww, bitch.
I don't know what to say.
You don't need to say anything.
We got you, dawg.
You're our boy, dawg.
Don't even trip. You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.
Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.
MORTY: I don't know, Rick.
I mean, I've seen people do that before.
RICK: Well, look at that old lady.
She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.
Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.
Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!
She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty? All right.
J, Oh, yeah J,
Uh-huh.
Here we go.
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Say it with me J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Raised up posterior J,
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Sing it with me now! It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,
Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,
but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,
because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know?
I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did,
you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh.
Hey, Beth. Hello?
Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?
Thanks.
Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know,
I might watch a movie.
I am not programmed for friendship. He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name.
Hey, flip back to the news.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could tell our parents started with naming with him.
it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, ..
before they even got pregnant, i bet,
I don't want to be that girl,
but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.
Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?
L-I-Iet me turn it up,
tn the news today,
this tooks a tot worse than it is.
We ’re reallyjust having a good time.
Karen F Thanks, Todd,
Up next, are you a concerned grandchild or fast a buzzkill?
We W te// you how you can know for sure.
I think you two are a little outnumbered.
Okay, well, what if you did it for me? Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.
We're not skipping a beat, Marty,
Now, help me with these bodies.
This is insane.
Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay?
I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me --
I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,
Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Hi, Joyce. Leonard.
Hello, there.
Merry Christmas, man.
Marty, a moment of your time?
He's in bad shape, Marty,
Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?
Gee, thanks, Morty.
W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am?
l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life.
I need your help.
I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom.
He'll know what's going on.
Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? It looks to me like the...
Marty?
Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this?
Okay, buddy. Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey.
Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right?
Let's just say you don't pay-, with money.
That was perfect.
You pay with the curses, right?
Um... l-well,.,
But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? J, Summer and Tinkles J,
J, Friends with each other J,
J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J,
J, No kitchen sinkles J,
J, No little brother J, Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God!
In your face! The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place.
You're the one that's crazy and chaotic!
Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun.
Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah.
Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position.
But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge,
and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is?
Seriously, Rick?
Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots?
Okay, yeah, fine.
But let's make it interesting, Marty, J, This is about flu awareness J,
J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,
J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.
There's something special about you, Marty --
so special.
Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.
J, I love Marty J,
J, and I hope Marty loves me J,
J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J,
J, and feel him inside me J,
Oh, crap. and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!
She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick?
I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
You know what I mean? You know, if somebody drops the soap,
it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty,
You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that.
We're gonna be okay, Rick.
How?
They took my portal gun.
This is an open-and-shut case, Marty,
You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen,
some magical angel's gonna show up and then --
Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!
I smell the violation of civil liberties! J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
Whoa!
J, Ohh, it feels good J,
Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney,
P It feels good, yeah '
Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! J, I feel it all in my soul J,
J, It feels good J,
Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.
Never expected that out of you.
All right, uh, let's go find my ship.
Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship.
It looks to me like the... So, uh, you know, when the purge started,
did people get into it right away,
or were they like, "Wait, what?
This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?"
Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it.
Yeah, I bet. I bet.
Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?
At first, everyone was like,
"look at those douchebags purging."
And then the next thing you know, Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves --
scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.
All right, okay, y-you know,
ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid.
Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know?
Look down there.
Looks like some kind of tavern or something built right into the side ofthe step. Oh, my God.
W-what's wrong?
Your idiot dog!
Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.
D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? undefined Marty, you idiot.
Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!
We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous.
He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty,
Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car.
Right, uh --
Fart.
No! Just -- j-just get in the car!
Marty, come on.
I want to go back to Blips and Chitz.
I don't want to deal with this.
Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.
More are coming.