You want to get in on this, Rick?
No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill.
lt's gratuitous at this point.
You sure you don't want to join in?
This is really amazing.
J, It feels good J,
Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.
J, It feels good J,
Yeah, bitch, what's up?
J, It feels good J, Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.
In this reality, he's still alive.
Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters,"
which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.
But then, when they made the movie, When we get to Customs,
I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, Science, huh? Ain't it a thing.
You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand.
You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know?
She's a real --
You got to hang on tight, you know?
Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.
Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this?
Okay, buddy.
All right. That's good. Good job. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Hey, Rick, " --
You get the idea.
W-we're cool now.
Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate.
Fine. I'll just do it myself.
If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you?
Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty,
That's the difference between you and me. You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know,
is that you crapped your pants.
I mean, it's a mess out there.
I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.
Aw, man, geez!
Seriously?
Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty,
Here, here take these, Marty, J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J,
J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J, He recognizes the other dogs on TV,
J, His name is Scary Terry J,
J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! It's also the same as doing nothing.
lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead,
there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him.
That's why he does it for a living.
Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,
You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick!
You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun,
but you could undo it if you wanted.
Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped.
Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped --
A bad song's a bad song,
Well, do you think, maybe --
Could you give me some help with it, or...?
Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. There's ways to get back home, Marty,
It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle.
We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs,
so you're gonna have to do me a real solid.
Uh-oh.
When we get to Customs,
I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick. Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl!
Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again? It's still alive.
Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...?
It's not an armadillo, asshole.
I thought that's what a man's supposed to say.
It's not like I could've actually done it,
lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it,
but I -- I think we have tojust...
It's okay. This is just something that happens.
And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do? J, His name is Scary Terry J,
J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!
You gotta fix this, Rick!
All right, all right, Marty,
You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here,
but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal,
relatively speaking.
Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting. Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites.
You sure about that, Rick?
Begging your pardon, master Rick,
but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.
All right, there's six of us,
And that's it,
Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole,
Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor,
Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. they -- they -- they all wanted time with me.
I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies,
but I spent so much time there,
my interdimensional portal device --
it's got no charge left, Marty,
It's got no charge left.
What?!
It's as good as garbage, Marty,
It's not gonna work anymore, Marty,
Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good.
W-what are we gonna do?
l-l have to be back at school right now.
How are we gonna get back home? J, I feel it all in my soul J,
J, It feels good J,
Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.
Never expected that out of you.
All right, uh, let's go find my ship.
Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship.
It looks to me like the... Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done,
and now " sports time coming up.
- Oh, hello, there.
- Good day to you, miss.
BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people?
Yes, sweetie. That's where the live.
Well, how does that work?
I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside?
Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.
J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,
J, Wait for you to get it on your own,
X gonna deliver to ya J,
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,
J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J,
J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,
J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, at being my Dad, Dad.
Quit while you're ahead.
And also, knock next time, you know?
I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 --
I got a computer in here, you know?
Oh, I -- I think I understand.
You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man.
I get it. Say no more.
I mean, one ofthese days,
you know, you're gonna end up seeing something.
I got it! Noted. Good night. Huh.
J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Christmas drums J,
Oh, sing it, Summer.
J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J,
Oh, I love to hear you sing. Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought --
Keep breathing!
- Oh, god, What's happening?
- Look at me!
Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!
ls -- is this what bleeding to death is?
Oh, whee. Is this how I die?
Oh, geez! Oh, my god!
Why would you do this? Beth.
It's not supposed to hurt.
undefined l-l thought... What?
Hey, little buddy.
H-h-how you doing in here right now?
Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?
Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty,
Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty,
Oh, boy,
You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.
You're my little friend, aren't you?
We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? The dimension I visited was so advanced,
they had also halted the aging process,
and everyone there was young, Marty,
and they had been forever.
l was the only old person there, Marty,
It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity,
walking around.
H was fascinating to them.
There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they --
they -- they -- they all wanted time with me.
I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,
J, It's a flu-hating rap J,
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!
Oh, my god, Morty.
You look really nice tonight.
Wow, thanks.
I love you, Marty!
I love you so much it burns! i can't see a thing.
And also, i can't feel anything, either.
Did i mention that?
But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes,
so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside.
i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease.
All my -- all my nerves,
they don 't allow for the sensation of touch,
so i never know what's going on.
Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know, I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,
Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
In my butt?
Come on, Morty.
Please, Marty,
You have to do it, Marty,
Oh, man. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.
Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield,
Boy fuck you, John,
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak, Oh, yes, Morty.
l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it?
Yeah, you know?
There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is,
Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah.
Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing.
Wha-- convincing?
Oh, Responsive, too.
In real time. I love it.
Uhh...okay.
I'm going to work.
Marty, good morning.
Dad, good morning. Oh, god, it hurts.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
l was just trying to do right.
Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.
Heads up, Rapists.
Well, don't just stand there, Marty,
- Purge 'em.
- Me?
No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them?
Pick up a stick or something and kill them.
Um, w-we come in peace. ALL: Hello, Rick.
Long time no see.
U nity?
Rick?
Grandpa?
Oh, boy, Uh...
these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty,
Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity.
We sort of used to, uh. ..date. Oh, man.
- Come and join us.
- I'm sorry. No, no.
Ooh, come here!
No, thanks!
Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby!
No, I'm okay.
Whoa!
Summer?!
Hey, there, stranger.
What do you think of these things?
Ohh! Oh! Gross!
Gross!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white,
uh... guilt --
white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.
Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --
you know, you’re pretty mean to me,
but that takes the cake. Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch! J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Sing it with me now!
Oh, my go--
J, Head bent over J,
Yeah.
J, Raised up posterior J,
All right!
J, Head bent over J,
Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
No, I can't deal with this!
Calm yourself, Morty.
I can't deal with this, Rick!
- Calm down, Morty.
- This can't be real!
- You gotta calm down, Marty,
- W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart!
Shut up and listen to me!
It's fine. Everything is fine.
There's an infinite number of realities, Marty,
and in a few dozen ofthose,
I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. Ooh, oh!
Oh, man.
- Come and join us.
- I'm sorry. No, no.
Ooh, come here!
No, thanks!
Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby!
No, I'm okay.
Whoa!
Summer?!
Hey, there, stranger.
What do you think of these things? J, His name is Scary Terry J,
J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills,
and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty,
Starting right about now,
Ohh, man.
Oh, geez! Ohh.
I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer.
In reality, you're as dumb as they come.
And I needed those seeds real bad, Huh.
l-is -- is something wrong, Beth?
Ow!
Oh, my god!
RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!
Wait, but I --
- Oh, Beth! Why?!
- I need an ambulance!
There's been a shooting. My wife shot...
Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl! And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,
Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
In my butt?
Come on, Morty.
Please, Marty, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,
Did you get any of that?
It's a good-a show! Oh, shit, motherfucker!
Kalaxian crystals, Marty,
just a few miles south of here.
Okay. Let's go, then.
W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you.
I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know?
I mean, who knows what -- what if somebody breaks something? Concentrated huh?
Concentrated dark matter --
the fuel for accelerated space travel.
Now, do you know how to make it?
Umm...
JESSICA: Come on, Marty,
lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist?
Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff.
I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, Hey, no! No, wait! Stop!
Called it,
ALL: Hello, Rick.
Long time no see.
U nity?
Rick?
Grandpa?
Oh, boy, Uh...
these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty,
Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity.
We sort of used to, uh. ..date. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid,
then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know,
is that you crapped your pants.
I mean, it's a mess out there. I'm losing it here, Rick!
Relax, Marty, relax!
It's gonna be fine.
All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals.
Oh, shit, motherfucker!
Kalaxian crystals, Marty,
just a few miles south of here.
Okay. Let's go, then.
W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. You miss your Fart friend, huh?
Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.
While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side,
and they're all coming to visit.
What?! Rick, no! You can't!
Too late, Marty, The hole's opening.
No, Rick! You don't understand.
There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too. Yes, I did it! There is no God!
In your face!
One dot, motherfucker!
Yes! Oh, yes!
All right, you know what I'm talking about.
- Oh, that was a close call.
- Oh, yeah!
I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty,
- Oh, yeah, do it.
- Check me out.
I'm doing the Cabbage Patch.
- Do it right.
- I'm doing it, too.
- Do the cabbage patch.
- It's a classic dance.
- Do it, Do the dance.
- Oh shit look at that. Just kidding! Ha, ha!
You fast got Ricleyd.
You’ve reached Ricks voicemail,
You know what to do. f beep ]
Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.
There's just one problem, Marty --
one little hang-up.
The dimension I visited was so advanced,
they had also halted the aging process,
and everyone there was young, Marty,
and they had been forever.
l was the only old person there, Marty,
It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity,
walking around.
H was fascinating to them.
There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white,
uh... guilt --
white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. and spirit, sa ve me.
Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said,
"go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"?
Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like,
"Whoa, this is unexpected.
This is not what I was expecting, Marty,
What a perplexing mystery this is."
All right, all right, we're inside the battery.
I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.
Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...
sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Yeah. Talk to me.
Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.
Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally --
we asked ourselves over here,
"Okay, what does a pancreas do?"
and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?"
No, it makes insulin, you know?
So, we're starting with a new -- you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know?
Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?
Yeah! You know, I mean...
it's different from the stuff on Earth,
and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy,
and, you know, I don't really have anything to --
to remember all those trips by,
It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. What the hell was that?!
I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,
But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?
I'm starting to come down, Marty,
Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.
That's what I think of your crystals, Rick! This is my grandson, Marty,
Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael.
I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa.
Here. Go away.
Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly.
So, this shoots antimatter?
My target can't be killed with regular matter.
Nice to meet you, Marty,
Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered,
please give me a call.
I'm very discreet.
You're g-giving him a card?!
l have no code of ethics. You're missing the point, Marty,
Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels?
I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house?
No,
So, why are they doing this?
W-what do they want?
Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty,
if you'd been paying attention.
We got the President of the United States in here!
We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,
J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?
lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.
J, Take off your pants and your panties J,
J, Shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J, "I don't give a fuck!"
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
That's the end, motherfucker!
"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Your idiot dog!
Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.
D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey.
Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right?
Let's just say you don't pay-, with money.
That was perfect.
You pay with the curses, right?
Um... l-well,.,
But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? We're like the rest of these assholes now.
W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty,
Help me up,
Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.
Why don't we just use your portal gun?
It's in the car, dip-ass.
Oh, god, it hurts.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
l was just trying to do right. Hey, hey!
Merry Christmas, son.
Uh, hi.
Can I help you?
Jerry, this is Jacob.
Didn't you get our text message?
TOGETHER: No!
You must be Jerry.
That's a fine-looking apron.
Williams-Sonoma?
I wish!
But thank you.
So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family?
Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?
I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry.
If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.
Come on, Morty.
Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,
J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J,
Holy crap, Marty, you're right.
ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?
Well, yeah, duh-doy. Fun facts about this one --
It's got giant, telepathic spiders,
119/11s,
and the best ice cream in the multiverse!
Shut up!
Whoa!
We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!
Oh, great.
Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick?
Is it the quantum carburetor or something?
"Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty,
But we can't get killed.
lfyou get killed in someone else's dream,
you die for real, Marty,
What?! Are you kidding me?!
Ohhhhhh!
Don't be a baby!
You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty,
Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!
Now bring me my slippers.
Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character,
But we never get to --
Hi, everybody.
l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends.
See, everyone? Tinkles is real.
That means so am l,
- Sorry, Summer.
- Man, I'm sorry, Summer.
l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.
Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.
I took it okay the first time,
and now you're just repeating stuff.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.
Yeah, you're still doing it. and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.
All right. All right. Calm down.
Listen to me, Marty,
I know that new situations can be intimidating.
You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but,
you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.
I'm no stranger to scary situations.
I deal with them all the time.
Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, I feel it all in my soul J,
J, It feels good J,
Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.
Never expected that out of you.
All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, you know what, Marty?
Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it?
What?! No! What is your problem?!
Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch,
don't watch, but, you know, it's my car.
Also, if you tell your mom about this,
- l'll purge you.
- You're the worst.
This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.
Jessica?
From my math class?
When I drop the bomb, I don't --
You know, I want you to have somebody,
you know -- I want you to have the thing --
I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve,
and you're gonna be Adam.
And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty,
No, you can't!
J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.
But -- but -- but forget about that, Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.
Hey, speak for yourself, because it
sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover.
GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Jacob is your mother's lover.
I watch them --
Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet,
almost always dressed as Superman. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.
Stop right there!
If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F."
RICK: He doesn't care.
Aw, man!
Rick, I have to go back!
I think I was about to get married!
Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty,
What?!
Listen to me, Marty,
Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,
Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,
Ugh! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
and fuck me for letting my guard down,
which Iwill never do again.
Geez, Rick!
You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.
ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
Actually, the wedding was beautiful.
The reception got out of hand.
Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, J, Say it with me J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Raised up posterior J,
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Sing it with me now!
Oh, my go--
J, Head bent over J,
Yeah.
J, Raised up posterior J,
All right! Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
It's just Rick and Marty --
Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,
Rick and Marty forever and forever.
100 years, Rick and Morty's things.
Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time.
All day long, forever.
All -- a hundred days. Hey, Marty,
What?
Hey, little buddy.
H-h-how you doing in here right now?
Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?
Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty,
Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty,
Oh, boy,
You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.
You're my little friend, aren't you? Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.
There's something special about you, Marty --
so special.
Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!
Back off! I'm trying to be with my man!
That's enough, Bradley!
We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.
Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...
Never leave me, Marty, Never! J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?
Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him!
He is more man than you will ever be!
J, This is about flu awareness J,
J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,
J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry. J, Let me out, set me free J,
J, I'm really old; this isn't me J,
J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J,
J, Is anybody listening' J,
J, Can anyone understand? J,
J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J,
J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J, Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this?
Okay, buddy.
All right. That's good. Good job.
Time to go home. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals.
Oh, shit, motherfucker!
Kalaxian crystals, Marty,
just a few miles south of here.
Okay. Let's go, then.
W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you.
I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know? So, you know, every day here is like a minute.
It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid,
then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know, What the hell is going on, Rick?
What does it look like?
T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus.
It's gone airborne, Marty,
Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?
It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax.
lwhipped up an antidote.
It's based on praying-mantis DNA.
You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles.
I mean, they -- they mate once,
and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. J, Ohh, it feels good J,
Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney,
P It feels good, yeah '
Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!
Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,
Arthrisha, what do you got?
Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good '
Oh, ho! J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, - Shut up!
- You shut up!
Wh-whoa, whoa!
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
- What did who do?
- What do you mean?
Wait, what am I saying?
Were either
of you guys uncertain about anything just now?
Oh, man, I don't feel good.
- Am I me?
- Am I talking right now?
- I think so.
- Wait, who said that?
All right, both of you just don't move. This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?"
Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it.
Yeah, I bet. I bet.
Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?
At first, everyone was like,
"look at those douchebags purging."
And then the next thing you know,
they're like, "it's just so convenient."
Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty? J, Take off your pants and your panties J,
J, Shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,
"Mr. Bulldops"?
Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working!
J, Take a shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J, The Mega trees?
That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them.
And that's what I'm talking about, Marty,
That's where my seeds are.
lfwe would have done what you wanted,
I would have never have found them,
because y-- because you're so in love with school.
All right, all right.
So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways?
You ask a lot of questions, Marty,
Not very charismatic.
It makes you kind of an under-- Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Oh, geez, Rick.
W-w-whoa, this isn't good.
Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!
Ohhhh!
Holy crap, Marty,
He can travel through dreams.
He can travel through dreams!
We're so screwed! Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole,
Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor,
Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.
Uh, dad, that's like 10 people.
6, 10, what's the difference?
I just love the number 6 for no reason!
Where's my pencil at?
Here, Rick! Use me!
Oh, thanks, Pencilvester!
Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know,
is that you crapped your pants.
I mean, it's a mess out there.
I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. J, Stay out my way, mother J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world,
you got to work twice as hard.
Aw, geez, Dad.
Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.
Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi,
Oh, come on, Rick.
You know I can't.
The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --
you know, you’re pretty mean to me,
but that takes the cake.
i don't give a fuck.
l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.
Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick.
Glad you're safe, Jerry.
What do you say we go home?
I'd like that.
Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126?
Uh, I'm not sure. Marty,
Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket.
- What?!
- Way to go, Marty,
Eh, whatever.
- Uh, w-wait. What?
- Uh, w-wait. What?
Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry. This is for you, Daddy.
Oh, man!
Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr,
I've got to tell you something very important, okay?
Killing is bad -- bad!
You're silly, Daddy.
No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay?
You need to put your energy into something else.
I mean, what about dancing? and spirit, sa ve me.
Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,
you gotta pump the gas a little.
Pedal to the metal, Marty, Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue.
Really?
You're looking real good.
Oh, my god.
- Hey, Marty,
- Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica.
So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...?
No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school. Yeah.
Science, huh? Ain't it a thing.
You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand.
You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know?
She's a real --
You got to hang on tight, you know?
Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.
Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick.
You're a pretty great guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver.
I'll see you around.
Oh, man. What -- What happened?
Don't worry about it, Marty,
Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece,
you better hurry up, Now's your last chance.
Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could --
Uh, l have a boyfriend. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way.
You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live?
Then open the blast shield doors.
Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.
You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah! No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door,
you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you,
and you take a giant shit on it.
Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon --
Well, you can't. I want you out of here.
You're a petty person, and you're insecure,
and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.
What the hell?!
I don't care. I want you out.
What?
Take that thing down.
Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.
- Marty!
- Rick, I didn't do anything. J, Are you afraid of me now? J,
J, Do you feel it? J,
J, Do you feel it? J,
J, Do you feel that I can see your soul? J,
J, Do you feel it? J,
J, Do you feel it? J,
J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J,
J, I want it real J, I mean, I've seen people do that before.
RICK: Well, look at that old lady.
She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.
Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.
Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!
She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd!
You shut up, you big female asshole!
Hey, don't shove me!
- I didn't!
- You didn't what?
- What's your problem?
- What's yours?
- Shut up!
- You shut up!
Wh-whoa, whoa!
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
- What did who do?
- What do you mean?
Wait, what am I saying?
Were either my interdimensional portal device --
it's got no charge left, Marty,
It's got no charge left.
What?!
It's as good as garbage, Marty,
It's not gonna work anymore, Marty,
Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good.
W-what are we gonna do?
l-l have to be back at school right now.
How are we gonna get back home?
There's ways to get back home, Marty,
It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle.
We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, Rats! What a shame.
Marty, your adventure's in a spiral.
For real, man, time to pull out.
You keep heckling my adventure, Rick!
You know why?
Uh, because it's lame?
It's because you're petty!
You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap?
I always roll with the punches, Rick.
Why can't you?
Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl!
Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again? No.
Yes.
So, uh, you know, when the purge started,
did people get into it right away,
or were they like, "Wait, what?
This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?"
Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it.
Yeah, I bet. I bet.
Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? Unity's not into other hive minds.
It's gonna suck you in and use you up,
and a month from now,
I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs!
Unity! Unity!
Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here.
BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged.
Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.
Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie.
We are, Marty,
All right, Beta shit Seven, You know, if somebody drops the soap,
it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty,
You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that.
We're gonna be okay, Rick.
How?
They took my portal gun.
This is an open-and-shut case, Marty,
You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen,
some magical angel's gonna show up and then --
Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!
I smell the violation of civil liberties! J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,
Did you get any of that? D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?
I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry.
If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Are you kidding me?! Come on!
Oh, my God.
W-what's wrong?
Your idiot dog!
Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.
D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
The rest is annoying garbage.
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?
Do it! Do it, motherfucker! You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
The rest is annoying garbage.
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?
Do it! Do it, motherfucker!
Pull the fucking trigger! You're my little friend, aren't you?
We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty?
We -- you're a real true hero out in the field.
You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty?
Have you been drinking, Rick?
I really appreciate you, Marty,
O-okay, cool.
A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch!
Y-y -- are you a simulation?!
Huh?! Are you a simulation?! Listen, you can't both be in denial about it,
Okay, bye.
Summer!
You can't throw a party! Rememberwhat mom said?
Yeah, if anything gets messed up,
you and Grandpa Rick get punished.
I'm only a human being, Marty,
Rick, tell Summer she can't have a party!
Uh, Summer, you can't have a party.
Because
I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch!
Oh, what?! Rick, you can't! Yeah! You know, I mean...
it's different from the stuff on Earth,
and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy,
and, you know, I don't really have anything to --
to remember all those trips by,
It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir.
You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something?
I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.
J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,
J, Wait for you to get it on your own,
X gonna deliver to ya J,
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,
J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J,
J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,
J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,
Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. MORTY: What the hell?
RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty?
Oh, man, what's going on?
Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier,
then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species,
but your guess is as good as mine, Marty, All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up,
You guys are the fucking worst!
Your gods are a lie!
Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!
Yes! You did it! Yes!
Hey, uh, how about that drink?
Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.
Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, check the engine room,
Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend,
but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then...
Jerry, just say it,
Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real?
Jesus, Jerry.
No, you're real.
Hey, look at me.
Now, I don't know which way is up out there, Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally.
Rick, you gotta stop --
Marty! Have you met Gearhead?
- Hey, how's --
- Marty here, he --
he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars.
How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly?
Uh... not at all.
Oh, boy, I envy you,
Okay, it was about 754 years ago-, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole,
Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor,
Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.
Uh, dad, that's like 10 people.
6, 10, what's the difference?
I just love the number 6 for no reason!
Where's my pencil at?
Here, Rick! Use me! All right, listen, you two.
We froze time for a pretty long time,
so when l un-freeze it,
the world's time is gonna be fine,
but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize.
Our time is gonna be unstable?
What does that even mean?
It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty,
Uh, I thought you learned that by now. Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.
You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
The rest is annoying garbage. It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,
Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,
but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,
because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know?
I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did,
you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around.
Don't you worry about that sort of thing,
Cronenberg Morty. Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know,
my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,
who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?
Hey, Tammy was cool!
And now we know why.
Because of you!
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
and fuck me for letting my guard down,
which Iwill never do again. Hey, look, we get it.
You're little, you're down on your luck, you think,
"Hey, he's a giant.
Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?"
Th-th-- but that's not how it went down!
Oh, well, it's going down like that.
You're both going down like that.
Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done.
Real straight fonIvard and fun. Ow!
All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.
Are you happy now, Marty?
Heck, yeah!
Thank you, Grandpa Rick.
Hey, there's no... dangers or anything,
or side effects, right?
W-W-W-What am l, a hack?
Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof. J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small.
Aah!
What up, my Helsings?
Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha!
Rick? How -- How did you --
Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered,
this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought,
"Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?
Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,
you gotta pump the gas a little.
Pedal to the metal, Marty,
in a world where muscular Mannies are coming, Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped.
Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped --
A bad song's a bad song,
Well, do you think, maybe --
Could you give me some help with it, or...?
Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
You know what I'm saying?
lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything, Wait, what?! Vampires are real?!
Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew?
Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now,
Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe.
Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?
Well, what are we going to do?!
We're gonna live our lives until we die.
Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.
The stuff was all over the place, Marty,
Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.
There's just one problem, Marty --
one little hang-up.
The dimension I visited was so advanced,
they had also halted the aging process,
and everyone there was young, Marty, Jesus Christ!
Jesus Christ! lt hurts!
My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these?
They're soaked with my stomach acid,
Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,
and spirit, sa ve me.
Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, Oh, hey, it's you guys!
I haven't seen him this relaxed in years.
lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward,
As a matter of fact, Terry,
there is something you could help us with.
J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is,
"I don't give a fuck!"
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
That's the end, motherfucker! Genetic compiler, incubation chamber.
Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker,
and that there's half Marty, half --
who -- who knows wh-what?
It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it.
- Grandpa Rick, no, no!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What do you think you're doing?!
Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.
I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. Was the house -- when we pulled up,
I could have sworn the house was completely trashed.
Negative visualization, Jerry.
Explains a lot about where you're at,
Hi, sweetie.
Hi, dad.
Summer, Morty, are you okay?
We -- we just missed you a lot.
Yeah, we missed you so much.
Too much to hug you, though.
Yeah, it would literally destroy them. Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,
but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,
because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know?
I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did,
you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around.
Don't you worry about that sort of thing,
Cronenberg Morty. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!
Here we go!
J, Summer and Tinkles J,
J, Friends with each other J,
J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J,
J, No kitchen sinkles J,
J, No little brother J,
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue.
Really?
You're looking real good.
Oh, my god.
- Hey, Marty,
- Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica.
So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...?
No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school.
Cool. All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.
You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe,
and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite.
I can fix this. Marty, sit here.
Summer, you sit here. Now, listen.
I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways,
but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned,
you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.
I can prove it mathematically. ALL: Hello, Rick.
Long time no see.
U nity?
Rick?
Grandpa?
Oh, boy, Uh...
these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty,
Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity.
We sort of used to, uh. ..date. J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV
Awesome!
Okay, that last part was really weird.
Maybe Summer's on to something here.
I don't know. It was fun.
You want to slow dance? Yeah, uh, my name is Ron Benson.
I'm an electrical engineer, father of two,
and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings,
I'm a member of this planet's top race!
Okay, that's good.
Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but --
I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"?
Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like,
"Whoa, this is unexpected.
This is not what I was expecting, Marty,
What a perplexing mystery this is."
All right, all right, we're inside the battery.
I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.
Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...
sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.
Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap!
Get out! Get out!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get the fuck out of the flying machine!
Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Bab ylegs and Regularlegs,
l’m proud of you two for working together.
And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner,
but l’m proud of you that you did it.
Hey, thanks, Chief.
Now get the fuck out of here.
Pretty cool, huh, Marty?
Oh,
I thought it was cool.
I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this.
I got to help your pathetic family.
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say.
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.
Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.
It's on.
I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart.
As for you dingdongs... - Get out.
- Um, what?
No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door,
you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you,
and you take a giant shit on it.
Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon --
Well, you can't. I want you out of here.
You're a petty person, and you're insecure,
and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.
What the hell?!
I don't care. I want you out.
What?
Take that thing down.
Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. J, No little brother J,
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Summer, we're trying to sleep.
It was Tinkles! And then they found out i was attached,
along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit,
Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "
Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,
Good afternoon.
I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Play something. S-Somebody, play something.
Wait a minute. What?
J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J,
J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home.
You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?
You miss your Fart friend, huh?
Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.
While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side,
and they're all coming to visit.
What?! Rick, no! You can't!
Too late, Marty, The hole's opening.
No, Rick! You don't understand. J, Show me what you got J,
J, You're always talking J,
J, But you're not playing J,
J, It doesn't match your face J,
J, Get them away, away from this place J,
J, Can you take me now? J, That's Earth therapy.
You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round.
I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified.
I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate.
Well, we want to make it work, if we can,
It's just --
Then it's settled.
No need to pack.
Oh!
Let's go, go, go, go!
Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know, Check out the new dance I made up.
It's called "Ooh let me out!"
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J, Man, I can't believe you, Rick.
That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know?
To connect with me a little.
Hey, Marty, you want connection,
go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks.
You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick.
And, you know, it would g--
go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty, W-What do we have here, Marty?
Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh?
l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh?
l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty,
Oh, Rick, something's not right.
Yeah, you.
You're not right -- ever.
No, no! Look, you idiot! Oh, for crying out --
he's got some kind of disability or something.
Is that what you want us to say?
I do?
Well, duh day, son.
Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world,
you got to work twice as hard.
Aw, geez, Dad.
Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.
Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield,
Boy fuck you, John,
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white, J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,
J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J,
Holy crap, Marty, you're right.
ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?
Well, yeah, duh-doy. Whoa, man!
What the hell was that?!
I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,
But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?
I'm starting to come down, Marty,
Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God!