You guys are enjoying this? Don't you feel a little patronized? How so?

Marty, Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J,

I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with. J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song!

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

Proceed to the liver. ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat... ...liven Ow! ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge.

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh.

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.

It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus.

Good luck.

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!

Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers -- Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot.

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh...

Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.

Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man. I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery.

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong,

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it.

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch.

Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs!

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time.

it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters. And then a giant tornado came. And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear.

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry!

She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways.

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know,

Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?!

All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars.

Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we've done.

It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,

Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!

Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding.

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?!

Quite an operation you got going here, Une. You're a whole planet now, huh?

but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J, J, Goes away in the end J, J, You could have it all J,

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.

Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?!

I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh... We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time.

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on.

But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.

Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it.

This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty,

Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man!

Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.

Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity?

It's called "Ooh let me out!"

You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage,

Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait.

Your failures are your own, old man.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?!

Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine!

Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm.

J, Seal my fate J, J, And when you breathe J, J, You breathe for two J,

So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right? Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice.

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am? S-Samantha. Please, mister! Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them.

Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out!

Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

A student was frozen to death.

What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls. You know, you girls are really something, I'll tell you that. You know when we first go there, I was like -- Give them a ship now, Marty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay! What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside!

Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off.

Ow!

Yo, ding-dong, we're done here. Time to go. Well, Jerry I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but --

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is.

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way.

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and --

Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior.

Thank you, Seattle.

Neglect that deer. Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of of elk, moose, deer, and stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends.

Jessica?

...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg.

Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet?

Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.

- I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself.

You son of a bitch!

Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck!

is it a bad time? Are all present life forms assimilated? Beta Seven, this is my single-minded friend from Earth, Rick. Rick Sanchez. Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ.

Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No! Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch!

You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to --

to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles?

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah!

Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.

You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time!

A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"?

Stupid!

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?

Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that. lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal.

Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse,

Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got...

All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Quite an operation you got going here, Une.

What -- what -- what are you in tar?

triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got.

but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you,

That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204.

You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10,9...

I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.

Where are my testicles, Summer?

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same. All right, okay, fair is fair. lfyou do extra work, you get extra food. Oh, Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that.

Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this, just because Grandpa Rick is? It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?

It's a good-a show!

Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

I thought I'd go out.

Okay, things are getting out of hand.

Cool. The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.

J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay!

But we don't like the idea of these people getting married, Put a line in the sand, everybody. Vote "no" on proposition X W2. The act that says trunkpeople can get married, Who needs it? Not on my watch. Paid for by Michael Denny and The Denny Singers.

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk.

Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen.

Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! - Out. - Whatcha doin'?

All right, there's six of us, And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester!

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real?

You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable.

I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you?

Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist.

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power.

Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power.

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon. I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS?

Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

I need your help.

Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device.

God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time.

Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice.

Listen, you can't both be in denial about it, Okay, bye. Summer! You can't throw a party! Rememberwhat mom said? Yeah, if anything gets messed up, you and Grandpa Rick get punished. I'm only a human being, Marty, Rick, tell Summer she can't have a party! Uh, Summer, you can't have a party. Because I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't!

- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery,

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!

Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th, Deal. All right. W-well, come on, let's get going. Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. Washing dishes? No. The opposite. Can you fix it? Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework? Yeah -- j-just don't do it. Grandpa!

Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged.

We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

Ohhhhh!

It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,

That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.

Stupid! Rick!

Well, your mother and I are gonna be spending some time apart, Marty, And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy. - What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next? What about this? Babylegs, you’re a good detective. But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs.

Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty,

Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head. If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina,

Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit.

H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No!

You guys are doing it wrong,

but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty.

l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him.

No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer.

She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a --

Coming through. What are you here for? Just kidding. I don't care.

Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Too fast.

Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever.

SUMMER: Gross! Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know? Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with,

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough.

Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J,

And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice. Pardon, Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension? Sure! Let's go to the ascension. Wh-wh-what is it? We hereby send these unwantables skyward that they might be inhaled by the many Heads,

Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right?

Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days.

No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human,

No, you were shot like 50 times.

So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math.

Us?!

Hey. Are you the one that left?

[processing, powering up f

who takes care of my kids?

'Cause I said so!

RICK: Learning to fly this thing, Marty, is gonna be really liberating. You know, you're gonna be free to go on all kinds of errands for me. Cool. See that planet right there? Don't fly too close to that planet. Someone will come out and try to wash your windshield. Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over.

It's a good-a show!

but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples.

Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back,

Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed.

What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem?

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you?

Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do!

Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely.

but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer.

this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself. This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she's a marine biologist. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise.

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,

But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty, who I hear had a great party last night. So, class dismissed. You've got the day off! All right! Good work, Mr. Goldenfold! Yeah, get outside. Read a book.

- So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

I'll go.

I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf--

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane!

Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?

I am here if you need to talk.

That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor.

Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson.

Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now!

6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right.

Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.

I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going. Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.

Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,

Don't even trip, dawg.

Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me!

That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.

Oh, my god, Oh, that was so, so funny. Thank you. You're welcome. Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit, - Smith family? - Yes?

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you.

Genius happens in the moment, Morty.

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

Destroy it.

And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt?

And the final ingredient...

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Pass the butter. Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose?

Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs. He's probably racing to cure its space AIDS. - He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it! BOTH: Shut up!

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me.

Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris!

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

W-we're going on a quest, okay? RICK: Can't wait. Ahem. Excuse me! We are two humble heroes in search of adventure! Oh, my God, so embarrassing. At last! Two heroes! You must help us! This village is terribly poor, yet the giant that lives in the clouds above has untold treasures!

I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God!

What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty,

He'll be fine. Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

J, It's a small, small intestine J, It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something.

Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real!

What the -- aah! Aah! Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J,

I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,

Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty, Really? You think? I mean, I'm not doing much of anything.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny!

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.

Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister! Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!

We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day. Ooh, family vacation!

Marty, crack the window.

...scare Scary Terry.

Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick.

or the battery wouldn't be broken.

Oh, god, what is life?

but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.

Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?

Wubba lubba dub dubs!

It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system. That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen.

The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters -- those facts are who you are. So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is.

Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh!

Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha!

All right, that's it,

Call an ambulance!

ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Oh, real nice. Real nice. How does a man do this without me noticing? Oh, you know my dad once he puts his mind to something. You're spinning this to his credit? I'm going down there. - Jerry -- - Beth, this is my house,

Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit.

Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.

Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face!

You make that dog smart or...

I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em. RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty, I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let'sjust find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Marty, Proceed to the liver.

Ohhhhh!

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV, Mrs. Sullivan always planned to leave everything to her cats.

Okay, with all due respect, Rick --

Like talking to a brick wall.

Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him.

He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty?

Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well? Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it,

Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due?

You're being very aggressive, Jerry.

Buckle up!

That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday.

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls!

If that were really true, then...

It's Hepatitis A!

Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet,

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries!

Best weekend ever, Rick. I agree, Rick. Let's see how long we can go. Hey, Une. You got any more -- FEMALE UNITY: Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes.

Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you, but there is still time. I am yours until my death. ALL: Aww! Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson!

and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' --

I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't... I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth. Well, herwaistline isn't.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

The beacon was activated.

Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots, Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up,

You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious!

Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this.

Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!

Pluto is... ...not a planet.

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax.

Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera. Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12.

Ooh, well, for millennia,

20% accurate as usual, Morty.

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man!

Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am.

Drop the gun.

What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now. This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness,

MAN: Actually, there is. Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke."

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

I ask you to do one thing!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

- Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh? Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson. Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.? Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel.

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?

Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me.

so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.

The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why? Sundown is when the festival begins. The festival? Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, Living in perfect peace. Oh, I know what this is!

Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go!

I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule! Nobody? Okay, tough church. Hi. Principal Vagina --

Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second! Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa!

Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads!

I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern.

Oh shit. Oh shit.

Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.

Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha!

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.

I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh,

Rise above. Focus on science.

You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn.

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god!

Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh?

undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch.

Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device.

The nipple hole. It's beautiful.

This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she's a marine biologist. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers."

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth.

Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean.

You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty,

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either.

Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.

"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

I say give me a hand, sidekick.

Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh,

and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other. Apparently, they've got some real creative differences.

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains...

You guys are the fucking worst!

The shoes have to be turned on! BETH: I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret? I told you -- l was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.

l-l want to show you something. Okay, look, everybody makes fun of me for getting these, but you're a genius scientist. What do youthink? See? There's little R2-D2s where the George Washingtons should be. You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them.

Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy, and then y-y-you help 'em? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together.

I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you.

It's really weird. It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Marty, Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins. I'll take two. Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me.

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day.

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no!

we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

Aah!

you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions.

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards!

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!

We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there,

JERRY: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk.

That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J,

J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this, just because Grandpa Rick is? It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you --

and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked. Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases.

a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other. Apparently, they've got some real creative differences.

How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery.

We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot! You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding.

and clothing stores have sweatshops. Is there a company hiring teenagers that isn't evil? This is my first job. You've been nice to me, Mr. Needful. You respect me. Please, call me "The Devil." I'd rather not, actually. Yes, perhaps not during business hours. I told you, I want to file a declaration that Pluto is a planet.

But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong,

Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad? l'm ignoring you. Marty, if I can get to the top ofthat lighthouse,

J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J,

Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh?

Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous! I'm obviously being setup.

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people! Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo!

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

Hello. Guess who just sold the apples campaign. Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse,

you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time,

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace!

J, Give me a name J, J, Hear my faith J,

"Feels Good."

Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now!

- I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!

These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips. RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all. Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it!

I'm a good person.

I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch!

my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know,

What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. There you are, Marty,

Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.

Motherfucker!

Cynthia. . . JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her? Well, if it's any consolation, Summer,

My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair.

Birdperson!! No!!

How did this happen?

What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

Pluto is a planet.

Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

Next time I party, I'm just gonna focus on getting totally wrecked.

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe.

All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this.

We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto." And a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry? Pluto is a planet. Well, how about that. I love it. Marty Smith. l'm Scroopy Noopers.

Well, that's retarded.

and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Since when do you have a job? Since last week. lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character. Please don't.

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream.

I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane!

I'm talking about Mega seeds.

What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it,

Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know?

Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick.

I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.

Breaking news -- Academy Award- Winning actor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown. Don't even think about it, Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry? It's just a bunch of dumb tabloid crap. It's my life, and we're watching it,

We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.

Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

Wubby lubby doob doob!

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men!

And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty,

Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect. I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me. I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry.

Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about.

Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty,

That's planning for failure, Marty,

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone?

It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.

They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!

Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up,

We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here.

l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!

You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T!

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind.

My -- my -- my -- my man!

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place. Here we go.

Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves?

J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit?

I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.

Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone.

Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here!

Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber.

Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you.

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five.

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.

Oh shit! The other collar!

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --

Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more.

Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward,

It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me --

Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver.

That's beautiful. You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No!

Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks!

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs,

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival. Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic.

I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Too fast. SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol --

Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them,

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown.

Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool!

Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

I got to tell you, this morning, I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J, J, It's a small, small intestine J, It goes on like this for miles.

Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

Beth, listen to me. You're going to get outta here. You're gonna go on, and -- Jerry, just leave the door. It's not a door, Beth. It's debris.

Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal? Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop.

No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real.

I don't know what to say. Summer is doing really well here. She's aced every test in potato class, and look how important potatoes have become. She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew. Please help me. You can reach me if you try. Please help me! That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving. Taco time!

Or,,,

Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child!

Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb!

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity,

Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue?

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,

Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic. Speaking of disasters, Dad, we are leaving you in charge.

- Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to. Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.

What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery.

it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

Don't even think about it,

He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases?

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying. I'll leave it at that. Fine, dad!

I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he?

Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me!

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here?

- Do you love it? - I love it.

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast.

Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week.

I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing? Hmm?

MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off.

The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad! Uh, hold the phone. Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers,

Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it.

Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all.

- I'm in heaven right now. - The best day of my life. So, now what do we do?

called a Mega tree,

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad!

Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now.

It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

I'm not looking forjudgment, just a yes or no -- can you assimilate a giraffe? You're the worst! No, you're the worst! You don't support this family! All you care about is yourself! You think supporting the family is about supporting you emotionally... you've got two children being dragged across the cosmos ...because it's never enough, Jerry! ...by your dangerously ill father! And you force me to watch it happen... ...because you'd rather lose them and lose me...

Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh. See you,

Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now,

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity,

J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right!

He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday. MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10!

J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J, J, All the moon men want things theirway J,

Eggnog? Now we are talking!

Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

Get your family out of here! I got this.

I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty. Jerry, what are you -- what are you doing in here? I'm trying to find our weed whacker, 'cause our weeds are wack, yo. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here.

But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous! I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom,

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J,

I thought you were gonna fly right off into the street. I used to pee my pants. I know, and now look at you! You have a job. You're making really good money. You're not paying any rent, so you have plenty of disposable income. Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up, Something's gonna come through. I can feel it.

- Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific?

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

I wish!

I am here if you need to talk.

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires.

All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.

You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors. Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.

GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible.

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good.

Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different!

SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer. She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey. Shut up, Jerry. Okay. Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

MAN: L//' Bits! ...where the food is tiny. It looks like regular food, but really tiny.

The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

It is random debris. I found it in my carpet.

After a little scary coitus,

Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants?

I mean, I'm trimming the hedges, and these things are just hanging there. Was I supposed to think the poop bunny left them? Good one, Dad. Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello?

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea -- bad pitch -- let's put your Dad here. Let's put your Dad in a nursing home. We're losing him. Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps! There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay.

I want to die.

Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J,

Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson.

For god's sake, Nathan,

Class dismissed. Geez.

You're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon. So...? Well, don't different animals... require different levels of skill to keep alive? undefined Oh, god, Get the deer in the car, Jerry. Yes, Beth.

MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!

I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."

Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk?

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me. You know, parents are just kids having kids. One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son.

Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here?

Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

You could play guitar. You could masturbate.

But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good,

I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo...

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?

all the famous ones... they're gone. Dear god.

Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,

You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god.

One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here?

Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know, Are we sure we wanna look at our own alternate lives? You're right. Maybe we should just play Yahtzee. Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you.

Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.

Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer.

My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean?

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty!

After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait.

Aaaaaaah! So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle?

Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy! Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant...

grounded story about their shitty marriage. JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20?

We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure.

Oh! Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting!

It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh?

Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body!

With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice. What in the hell? Sex sells, Marty, Sex sells what? Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff?

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected!

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head...

for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is,

I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today? None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice.

Move it up, actually, if you can,

PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there,

You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys,

He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben.

It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now!

Holy shit. What happened?

Great. Nice work, Morty.

You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under--

What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath.

I'm a good person. No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people.

Ugh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Ugh! Oh, Rick. That was so bad. What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors.

Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance? I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. Ohh! No, Morty Jr.!

How can I assist you? I want to talk to Unity, Beta Seven. I know it's in there. You're classified as a hostile entity, and Unity doesn't want to talk to you. I know your game, Beta Seven. I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in-the-wings shoulder to cry on! You are classified as a hostile entity. Oh, you're just loving this, mother-- this isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal.

J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing.

Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold, or is itjust me? I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. I am here if you need to talk. - What is this place? - Paradise.

L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica.

I would love to have you.

Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.

- Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move.

Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover, Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh...

What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?!

What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here?

Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry. Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick.

What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary.

- What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next? What about this?

I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!

Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

You're welcome.

Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey!

Race war! Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh?

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet.

I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

Don't fall for it, It's a bit.

You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick?

My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik

You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard.

And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad!

But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us,

Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right! Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face like Wart from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee! How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about?

Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind.

I don't know how this works! Help me!

You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know? Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!

Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.

I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great.

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh!

They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses.

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world

Kill Pencilvester. Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect.

It's like that old song "Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop." Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares?

Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day.

Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids?

Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh... We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours!

but your eyes are so beautiful.

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that?

Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

sometimes science is about conviction.

SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad! MORTY: Drive carefully! Have fun, you two. Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic. Speaking of disasters, Dad, we are leaving you in charge. I know, c-can we wrap this up? Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.

More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!

l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.

L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us!

Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax.

When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.

Jesus.

Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song,

My man!

Ohhhhh!

Hey, "Ball Fondlers"? Huh, "Ball Fondlers"? Yeah, I could go for some "Ball Fondlers." Yeah, "Ball Fondlers." Aah!

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,

Eh, unless she has the flu.

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.

Hold on.

Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit?

Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, " ANNC)UNCER: More "Personal Space " next Tuesday at 8:00.

Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose? You pass butter.

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,

Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

P RI N C I PAL: Principal Vagina here -- Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover,

Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from? My -- my -- my grandpa Rick sent me! Poncho! That's quite enough. Marty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here?

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man.

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe?

Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J,

Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park.

But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes. Would you relax, Marty?

LINCOLER: Please, stop!

Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J, J, And everything is one in the beauty J,

You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here.

So, what are you -- like, the devil? - What? Sorry? - I don't know.

Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it. That's my note, you know? Please write more. - Seems a little insincere. - What? No, You don't have to mollycoddle me. I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing.

Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice.

I know everything about everything? Did you really talk me out of the abortion?

Now, where are these rich people? To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years. Wait, w-where is that music coming from?

We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size,

- MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame.

Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this...

I guess he got what he deserved. What is that?

I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.

Summer? What kind of God lets this happen?

I will be back soon, Marty,

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!

I'm Jerry Smith.

They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used.

It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com.

Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty,

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka!

I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,

- or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm -- I know everything about everything? Did you really talk me out of the abortion? Well, we -- we blew a tire on the way to the clinic, I think, in my head, Iwas doing it all for the kids.

ln here.

Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?

FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing. MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air!

NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt"., Plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches.

Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty,

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

Mein journey is over, Marty,

Boy, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Marty, A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty!

What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J,

Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand.

Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go.

J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA.

Oh, my god, Are those...

Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor.

Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?

Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? Mmm! Oh, boy, Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers." I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Oh, my god, You have eight eye ho-- holes.

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something.

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?

I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh?

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her.

Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days.

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places.

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?!

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap.

l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?

Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers!

Not a bad trade for spider peace. All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it,

because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly,

this animal can't be transferred until the current attending physician verbally confirms their inability to provide adequate care. You heard the man, horse doctor. You have to say you couldn't hack it, We did it! Uh-huh. No, mother -- no. Earth, dude.

But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?

JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly --

Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez! I just gotta go to the bathroom. Damn. Oh, Okay, good. This is gonna be fun.

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather.

Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back.

Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty,

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!

We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.

Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God!

Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today.

I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing?

We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad?

Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please?

How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony.

PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased!

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill!

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser.

Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty.

A rail system seems archaic for an attraction this impressive.

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

lt's... G-Good job. Good job.

Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy?

Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more. J, The worlds can be one together J,

You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich.

Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch.

- Nothing. - Nothing! Oh, uh, one ofthe lunch ladies died. They found her in the gym with, like, two holes in her neck and all the blood drained out of her. Good lord! Who does something like that? Obviously a vampire. W-W-Where's the pepper? Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now,

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up,

Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

10,9... All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.

We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.

and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die? Don't worry.

Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you?

Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this,

You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart.

Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them.

Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't.

You know what? I'm taking this.

Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe.

ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Uh-huh. No, mother -- no. Earth, dude. No, I'm talking about -- Yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you get to the dolphin people, you gone too far. All right, man, I'll talkto you later. Okay. You know what they do to third-dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever.

Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.

Headward, free now to rise. Oh, yes! Yes! Rise to the giant Head! You are free to be free! And squeegee comes up from the garage, right? But he's got a lobster in one hand, the movie tickets in the other, he's like, "I'm ready!" You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn. We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons.

Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples. We got, uh, a -- crushed red party cups, 15 1/2 brapples.

No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son!

And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get --

It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

WWW, rickandmorty.com.

Marty, you have to help me! Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! l-l-ls that why you're doing this, you don't want me and Rick to be happy? No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know?

Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving.

Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!

I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally.

Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

Aah! Huh? What the fuck?

Hey, doc.

Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,

MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?!

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!!

- You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

what do you think? You're fired.

I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?

Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle. Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones?

Hey, that's mine!

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,

l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing.

Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

You don't know me!

Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?!

Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever.

I love you, Jerry. I love you. TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land. Too fast. SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody!

and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore.

Where's the helicopter? There is no helicopter. And there is no Cervine Institute. But the top deer surgeon-, I'm looking at her. Thanks for teeing me up like that. You better get moving. These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work. They're not gonna last all night.

- Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song,

Oh, my God, he exploded!

That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!

f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

Quite an operation you got going here, Une.

Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!! What the hell happened back there?!

l dabble, Mr. President.

I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that.

But most importantly, you got to relax.

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store.

Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid,

Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J, Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!

Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I?

Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles?

The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family!

Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt.

I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them.

This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what. Oh, my God.

What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Summer?

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer.

and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster.

BETH: What is that supposed to mean?

Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa!

They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine.

Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite!

When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand.

I'm kidding. I know that's on me. Um, Rick! RICK: Shit. Well, I guess this is it. Marty, crack the window. I wonderwhy Greg is always so critical of my girlfriend. Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself.

I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?!

Run! Marty, do it! Hit the button now!

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

What the hell is he talking about?!

RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding?

57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying?

Such an asshole.

Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.

We still have the nuclear option.

You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

I'm a member of this planet's top race! Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards.

I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

I never go back to the carpet store.

J, How could I say goodbye? J, J, How could I say goodbye? J,

Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man. PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom!

Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.

which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.

ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty, don't -- don't -- don't be like that. The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place. You're the one that's crazy and chaotic!

J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

Well, then my son's going to fail his science class, and when that happens, l'm suing you first. I think I know what the "A" in NASA stands for. - Dad, what's your endgame? - Ain't no game, sucka. Why don't we just make the solar system with eight planets? It's even easier. Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round?

but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside?

What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out,

And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass,

Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.

TV: Coin collecting is considered the perfect hobby. . . . beautiful putt right there -- Good birdie. That's only the... eighth birdie of the day. What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Outside?

Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?

get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him? I'll do it later, Marty,

I know, right?

Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying.

Wha? Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!

The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa,

Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.

you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment!

Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?! PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising.

we could finish the job and go home.

Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now?

First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00.

How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will --

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white,

Please! Please don't kill me!

You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

Jesus.

Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about?

Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice. Hey, Marty, there's our Jerry.

I have something important to tell you. J, And the gears, they turned for a thousand years J, J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know.

W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy."

Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

I'm sure it's good enough. Move!

Oh, you know my dad once he puts his mind to something. You're spinning this to his credit? I'm going down there. - Jerry -- - Beth, this is my house, which makes this my garage, my secret hatch, my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack.

Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!

l extracted it from a vole.

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs,

an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

You heard the man, horse doctor. You have to say you couldn't hack it,

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that.

W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick?

Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam. Hello? Yes, sir, yeah.

Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters.

like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down.

Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention,

Hold on.

fast making for a friend?

Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.

J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect. Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? Yes, we discovered a species oftiny pig off the coast of New Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west. We'd offer you some, but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast.

l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after,

my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket. Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on.

Get your shit together.

I'd rather not, actually.

You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel. I actually got that on another planet. So it is an alien towel to me. - Good luck. - Thanks.

Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

Wait. Destroy it.

That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!

This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!?

I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so." Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on!

Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

My lust!

I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um -- you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know?

because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes.

Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals.

Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay? We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them. Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies.

Oh, my god!

Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive?

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure.

- Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man.

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick!

My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity.

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today.

Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served.

get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty.

Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.

The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

I know, c-can we wrap this up? Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.

Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky.

I like it, Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!

Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?

Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys.

So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging."

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening?

But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right? Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance.

It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry?

Come on. It's not every day that I'm town. It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet? I can do whatever you do and more, baby.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right?

Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system -- I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick. I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty, Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them?

and my grandson wants the sex robot.

We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

MORTY: I gotta tell you, Rick. It's pretty great... to be in this spaceship, just the two of us, you know? Just cruising around, Rick and Marty style. I agree, Marty, It's nice to get back to the basics after a pretty intense, mixed-bag of a year. - Ohh! - Relax. That's what windshields are for. I didn't know that there were bugs out in space.

- They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir. There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians, all the famous ones... they're gone. Dear god.

After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.

That means I own them.

What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.

but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty,

You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass!

Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you. Jerry, it's your house -- whatever you say it is is how it is -- but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door.

Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman.

Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job.

Get back! Wait, for real? You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around!

Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.

We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time.

and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty.

I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.

You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. Oh, goody. From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species. One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god.

Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Good one, Morty. Excuse me, bartender. Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about and a lot of vodka.

W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee,

J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real?

It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take --

A movie about a guy eating shit.

And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

Of course Pluto's a planet, son, I learned that in the third grade. Well, yeah, but you know they changed it. Marty, nobody changed the planets. I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet. They changed it in 2006, Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree?

Science isn't always easy, Morty. Whoa! Whoa! What the hell?!

Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

You did it, Beth. You really nailed it, You're a surgeon -- a human surgeon. Yay, you win.

You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing! Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time.

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you.

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best.

they set aside their previous lives as individuals. Give me a break. We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night.

l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me!

Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J,

Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four." Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry.

Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J,

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice.

Oh, my god, Are those...

It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

- What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.

Guys, Mom and Dad are, like,

Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in yourway? Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits!

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved?

ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different?

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with?

I'm only a human being, Marty, Rick, tell Summer she can't have a party! Uh, Summer, you can't have a party. Because I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't! What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that.

Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up!

Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt --

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204.

Everyone has a plumbus in their home.

I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?

I just want to go back to hell,

Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here? I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked. Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it.

"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story, to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it. Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black.

I'm traveling with my son and father-in-law.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah!

Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh... We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez!

Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right!

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer.

Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J, All right. Let's proceed.

This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.

Your marriage can rest easy now. Jerry, go ahead and sit there and put this on. This machine isolates the part ofthe subject's brain containing all perceptions of its romantic partner. And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life.

Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat?

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty,

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J,

And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter.

No! No! Ow!

It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole.

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with. J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J,

And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front.

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96.

All right! I like your squanch! Uh, Rick, what exactly is "squanching"?

Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6:00 pm, so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children. I'm going to start dinner! I don't know what to say. Summer is doing really well here. She's aced every test in potato class,

Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.

Y-y-you're a monster.

Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before.

I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing.

Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years? Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub!

I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh?

Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler.

Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, "

You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop. Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill. Whoa!

No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks!

H-hello? Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it.

but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.

Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park.

and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point,

Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery. You're welcome. RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick!

Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

Oh, listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person. Step out of your ego for a second and look at this thing -- it's a monster. He might have it chained up so that it doesn't eat the planet! Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs.

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son.

Whoa! What the hell?!

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty --

Rick?

Puffy vagina.

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

You animals! Animals! Ooh, look who's little journey's come to an end. Take him to Pluto-namo Bay. You can't kill the truth, father. What? I can see you're confused. Pluto-namo Bay is a military prison --

Yeah, baby!

Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty,

Aah! Unh! Class dismissed. Geez.

You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.

Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good. Oh, my god, They're walking up the driveway.

Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

Wish I could say the same.

Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down.

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer!

J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

You want to check it out?

Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad, and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing. All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it,

Shut up and listen to me!

Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!

Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad. You're a genius at that. Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son. Thank you.

Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back,

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.

All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, But these gears just started turnin'. LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry? Uh, almost. I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes.

Open the door! Open the door! Open the door!

I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty, Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty,

Okay, good.

Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?!

Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.

l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?!

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!

And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth.

Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers.

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move!

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.

I don't give a shit!

All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it,

Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls.

Somebody call for repairs?

MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

Now, for the love of god, be quiet. The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy. You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice.

Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real. Marty! Summer! It's me! lt's Rick! Regular Rick!

Let'sjust find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Marty, Proceed to the liver. ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat... ...liven Ow! ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick.

lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius.

Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez? Okay, you're just making stuff up now,

Don’t even hesitate, don't even worry,

Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop.

Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty,

Run! Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option.

All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you!

Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to. Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah.

Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!

It's a good show!

Cheers to that, motherfucker!

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou!

like, sacrificed himself for me? - Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty, The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little piece of shit.

You know, i take personal space pretty seriously,

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it,

But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

f chuckles f Here's our first person. Oh. Oh, my god, How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right!

Then Jacob came into our lives, and...we're learning to live again. All three of us, Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man.

lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich!

MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here.

J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome! Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance? Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time?

Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty,

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon. I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles.

Yeah, Grandpa, way to go.

"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why? That poor girl. W-We have to save her.

but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship.

Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick.

Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this?

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains.

I ask you to do one thing!

Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!

There's plenty of them, you little goofball.

Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence!

Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine.

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

Fun facts about this one --

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. That's what I think of your crystals, Rick!

Wow, Hat trick. All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,

Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?

For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

"Purge! Don't purge!"

improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes.

We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!

What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and --

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!

What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him?

So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckers at the dance! Tiny Rick! Marty, you have to help me! Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! l-l-ls that why you're doing this,

Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later.

Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh?

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit.

I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants. Compliments of the Galactic Federation. I feel better. Your debt is 7,000 Fed credits. Report to the Ministry of Employment and you will be assigned a function. Honey! I got ajob!

I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough.

What's going on?

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer.

So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know,

Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

Advertising? Wow!

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-,

That's what I meant. Knock them dead out there, you. Pluto is...

Oh, he might have said to take it outside. RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god, Well, I did my job. Summer did herjob. Now all Marty has to do is finish listening to that tale. BLANE: Maybe I don't need a new friend.

Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.

Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect. I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

Yeah, get outside. Read a book. Put on some sunscreen, Danielle!

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress.

Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage.

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach.

I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple!

W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science. A man and his boy, making planets. Hey, how about we use a ping-pong ball for Pluto? And then Jupiter -- Uh, actually, I don't think Pluto's a planet.

Marty! Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here!

We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage.

All right, that should do it, Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself.

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Rick and Summer of Earth,

That's very funny!

Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff.

Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all.

I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing.

On tonight's episode,

its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. " Holy crap. I am winning a nobel prize. Come on. Time's up. I'm taming a lion. No, wait. There are film cameras. I might be a lion tamer in a movie. You get the idea. I work with lions.

It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick. ln here.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation!

Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What?

Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

May I assist you with that? Uh, sure, yeah. Thanks. Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me." Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically. No, Marty, Your grandfather is, indeed,

Dad, what's going on? What's the deal here?

There's crucial things happening here every day.

No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop -- Marty! Have you met Gearhead? - Hey, how's -- - Marty here, he -- he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it,

Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,

J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,

- Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!

Take a deep breath. I love you. l'm counting to three, Jerry.

Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough. Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch!

J, Goodbye, moon men J,

Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry?

You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th-- but that's not how it went down!

I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it...

Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days. What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you.

You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room? Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!!

No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart.

Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.

Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!

Oh, my god, Oh, god,

Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.

Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah!

Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race!

You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only!

You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty, Uh, where? The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.

You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.

but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn. Finally. I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline. I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born.

Like The Insane Clown Passe,

W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I? So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more.

Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency. It's, like, I'm trying to eat a Flimflam -- like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk. The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only,

Can he have visitors? He'd like to be alone. He told me to tell you he's sorry you didn't have bad memories of him? lfyou love him, you should leave.

That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out!

It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four." Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something.

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices,

Rick, I know you're in there!

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs!

MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown!

Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

Did you get any of that?

If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked!

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise.

Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet,

clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.

Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.

Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now, calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right?

J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, J, Damn right, and I'll do it again, 'cause I am nice so I gots to win J, J, Break bread with the enemy J,

Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son.

Come on. It's not every day that I'm town. It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet?

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about,

Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice?

Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

Was I supposed to think the poop bunny left them?

Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry.

Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.

welcome to our Ad Agency.

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did,

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby. There was a seven-horse collision, and Davin's there alone. Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin.

It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.

Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us,

- Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep.

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole.

Our village is saved! You are both true heroes! Oh!

Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

What is my purpose? You pass butter.

Ohhhhh! Aah!

"The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life.

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation.

I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.

Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean? Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up,

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper.

Marty?

The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine.

Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face."

All right. Let's proceed.

Yes.

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure,

W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats.

This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!

Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."

So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred.

You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go. I'm not watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your medal's in the mail. - I'm gonna get a closer look. - Oh, okay, sure. And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve. Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other.

so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,

Hold on.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up. - Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people? Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own?

Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.

Calling all Jan Michael Vincents.

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them.

Boo! Not cool!

Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around,

Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders.

iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on!

There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same. All right, okay, fair is fair. lfyou do extra work, you get extra food. Oh, Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job!

Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!"

You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. Aw, crap.

Oh, shit, motherfucker!

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded!

why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well?

BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art.

and I need them to help me with my research, Marty, Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up! Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill!

Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

Yes.

Run, Marty!

We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez!

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

Let me try something.

Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

Take me to Marty, You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.

Umm...

Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh!

Birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet -- Opening myself up to others. SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker! Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful.

Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,

So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad.

Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why?

Get them! Run, Marty!

Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right?

Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away.

You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier!

Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun.

Fuck 'em.

and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby!

Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.

I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't.

All right, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance. Yeah, I'm just going to... check on your mom. Marty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Marty, It's gonna be great. Hey, listen, Rick. Y-Y-You know how you said that, you know, love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier?

Ooh, nice!

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Revenge.

Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife? Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy,

Oh, crap.

Ohhhhh! Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

Everything cool in here, Beth? It's fine, Davin. Okay, cool. You know, we did something great today. There's nothing more noble and free than the heart of a horse. Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, lwill come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies.

I'm not looking forjudgment, just a yes or no -- can you assimilate a giraffe?

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering -- No, l'll G-- I'll get your info from Summer.

GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.

Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty.

Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. l have an idea.

Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,

Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.

Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh !

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly!

We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No!

I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson.

I just got bored. Everybody out. JERRY: All right, just one more rally, then I promise we'll get back to your science project. Dad, Pluto isn't a planet.

Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three. See? Our cup runneth over.

You think you could help me out? Whatever. Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together?

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now?

- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.

And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh.

All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch, so i never know what's going on. Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know, Are we sure we wanna look at our own alternate lives? You're right. Maybe we should just play Yahtzee. Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness.

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. We will give you passage back home so it can be terminated.

You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa!

Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty!

What is my purpose? Pass the butter.

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through. You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic.

Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit.

RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?

Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more.

These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home.

Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here! Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name?

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time.

Oh, my god,

Hey, Marty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger? How do you feel about all these people that are getting killed today because of your choices? I did the right thing, Rick! Tell that to Gearhead's gearsticles. You did that! Wrong! I'd be playing "Roy" right now. At a certain point, my hands are tied, Marty,

You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie! Rick and Summer of Earth, for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to --

Jerry!

Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.

6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah!

Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going.

It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell?

You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus.

That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected.

- Is that the vegan place? - Yeah, I love their soup,

Samantha, I need to know that you understand that l have a couple of eyeholes. I do. I do understand about your eyeholes. Here, look at my eyeholes.

Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast!

I'm a good person. No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!

J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner.

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you.

for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands!

I'm more than just a hammer! He is the one true Marty! Hooray! The one true Marty! Hey, keep it down! You've lived quite a life, Rick.

Boo!

Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now?

They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay! What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got. JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America, welcome to our Ad Agency. I'm Jerry Smith.

I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

Run! Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!

Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!

AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown! I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy?

l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,

RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god, Well, I did my job. Summer did herjob.

and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines.

like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?

Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice.

Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here.

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick. ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better.

Oh, my god!

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.

body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door, it's an invitation to let go of the body and an opportunity to share and experiment. Dad, please. What are you saying? Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it

All right, that's it, We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day. Ooh, family vacation!

Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about?

and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face?

W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington.

Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.

They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No!

Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.

Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

You lied! You lied about the charge!

Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what.

Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty --

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Yeah? lt's... G-Good job. Good job.

Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father.

- Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies. However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "Space AIDS" as you put it.

Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap!

MAN: And there's the approach. Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute.

then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General?

The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,

Oh, my go--

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

Wow, What do you know? Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg. Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty, And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry, and the Zigerions got nothing of mine.

So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge? l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh?

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Whoa! What did you do?

I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go.

Fuck yeah, man.

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator.

RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. Man, this place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices? Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is.

Extra food?

So good luck with your shitty marriage,

Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. " i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins!

The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry. Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect. I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop?

Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How?

Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa.

Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What?

Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.

What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down!

Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.

You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense.

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy.

the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles.

You broke your time twice.

My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey...

Scalpel. Scalpel. Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch.

so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top,

Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison.

I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that! Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry.

They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am -- Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live?

Everybody stop remembering!

It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep.

And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there.

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap!

This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line?

Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars. I mean, wouldn't the cars always win?

before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh.

See that?

We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,

Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree? That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Marty, Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez!

You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse?

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see,

The student becomes the teacher.

Marty, Time to purge.

J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing. Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What?

And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it. With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice. What in the hell?

How long will you be visiting Earth? Oh, we live here. We were just off-planet for a wedding. Go that way.

You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp,

Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can --

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science.

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!

- Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her? Well, if it's any consolation, Summer, none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid. Okay, I've got an idea, Rick.

You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah! Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts!

Show me what you got!

You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty!

I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome. My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? M-my drink is empty.

All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends.

Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"?

No, no! Look, you idiot!

All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty, Gone with the wind! Am I right?! lfyou don't like that one, Marty, an alt on that could be, like, if I said "Gasablanca"!

Boo, boo! Marty sucks!

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,

Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day!

- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it,

How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.

We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

it's unsustainable. You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different, none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work. We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as,

And away we go.

Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry.

Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly. In the meantime, please, stay on the ship and enjoy a complimentary plate of James Cameronion rings. Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken. I am gonna go back to the room to finish my book.

No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents.

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch.

Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,

We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.

57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.

Say -- say no?

RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck.

Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy,

Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that?

ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.

Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

Ohh. Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you.

I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded!

In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim!

lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur.

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk.

Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft so they may head back to theirweird planet, where women are kind of equal but not really. Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls. You know, you girls are really something, I'll tell you that. You know when we first go there, I was like -- Give them a ship now,

Marty? Suck my dick!

I'm flattered and humbled. Oh, I like that. Use that in your speech. Also, talk about Pluto being a planet. People like that. Your highness, we've captured Scroopy Noopers. You animals! Animals! Ooh, look who's little journey's come to an end.

Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick --

What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair.

Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her lover intact? Well, I don't thinkthat's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones. Beth, can we talk about this privately?

Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch!

Calm yourself, Morty.

Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!

Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Dude, are you -- w-- you're being a dick, right? Oh, gosh, l-l hope not. l-l-l-l-l-l wouldn't want to offend you in any way. You're really a Rick? Y-- of course I am -- just as much as my Morty's a Marty, Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry!

Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go. Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben.

I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever.

Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe. FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful.

Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf.

What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ...

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game?

This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

Yes, Morty?

Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying.

Hey!

Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!

Absolutely! Good luck.

I love you, Melissa.

Aaaaaah!

Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor

Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry.

- l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated,

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick.

Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me?

Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop.

- Master. - Speak. Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was?

Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you.

"Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear." SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers!

standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird. It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Marty,

The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.

- Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders,

I didn't peg Lucy for a rapist. What does a rapist look like exactly, Beth? Is it a Slavic man wearing a denim jacket with a patchy beard and the scent of cheap champagne waiting over his blister-pocked lips? What?

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them.

Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins!

A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty,

You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse.

You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're --

Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.

Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever.

Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream!

I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god!

I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty, don't -- don't -- don't be like that. The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place. You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun.

giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

That's too bad.

...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now. This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness, so we are forced to improvise. We placed a large boulder on that ledge. Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?!

Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man.

We'll have two Bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick! Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields?

I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty,

I wish this knot was looser. Come on.

I, um -- Jerry and I were looking for our weed whacker and found your subterranean lair and your alien prisoner,

Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!

once -- for once?

Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!

My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing!

Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry. Yeah, yeah. I got it. That's okay. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Try again and keep your head down.

ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you.

You animals! Animals!

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew!

Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry!

Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go! Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually.

I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance? I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. Ohh! No, Morty Jr.! Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you!

A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back.

Oh, my god!

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God!

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!

You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it,

What the hell?

You know, you're not being very supportive of Birdperson on his big day. Birdperson's big day, Marty, was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon against the Gromflamites! This? This is a losing battle.

Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on! Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go. Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.

Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah! Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention,

Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!

Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.

Great. Nice work, Morty. Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer?

JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need.

Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Would you like to ride the bone train? Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go! Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot.

Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on! Aah! Get off!

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes!

Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?! Drop the gun. You don't understand! This guy was gonna kill someone! I guess that makes two of us, Aah! What are you doing, Marty? This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory, but Grandpa and government don't get along. ALIEN: He saved my life. - What? - Huh?! Whoa!

Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. Well, I'm intervening.

My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy."

RICK: Huh. He's making himselfa sandwich now. Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe.

No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.

I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated!

Hello? Yes, sir, yeah. Eh, thank you, sir. Thank you. He says he's proud of what we're doing and hopes we have a great ascension festival! Happy ascension! ALL: Happy ascension! We should pack up and leave town now. I think it's inspiring that our community is coping with fear in a way that involves a festival and homemade ice cream.

lwish your mother was here to eat them.

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out.

l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here. You can have this back. You didn't use it?

I don't know, do something with turquoise.

The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie!

You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela?

But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad!

I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud.

Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know?

ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now.

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back!

We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I?

now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice. So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big,

f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, "

Summer?!

J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working!

in a world where muscular Mannies are coming, and they're coming strong, there's only three unmuscular Michaels. Get down. Hurry. Run. And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it.

Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone!

Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you. Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,

All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back!

Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents,

The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy. You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.

Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh. Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

I can craft stuff, too, pal!

Marty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay! What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside! You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?!

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you. Jerry, it's your house -- whatever you say it is is how it is -- but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care, and even /naticed, Come on, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that.

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.

J, Let me out J, J, What you see is not the same person as me J, J, My life's a lie J, J, I'm not who you're looking at J, J, Let me out, set me free J, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J,

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down,

If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it,

Here comes another funny.

All right, let's go. MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter.

For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day!

Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty?

RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole!

Welcome...

Ohh! He's asking if Tiny Rick will be here. Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob!

There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary.

it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy. Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV,

Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad.

Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly.

- Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

It's okay. We're not gonna hurt you. My name is Marty, This is my grandpa. - We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl.

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right.

Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god,

Did you get any of that?

Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.

- It's my favorite song, - Oh, yeah.

Marty, take the wheel! Whoa! Whoa! Geez! Damn it, Morty! Who taught you to fly this thing? I'm kidding. I know that's on me. Um, Rick! RICK: Shit. Well, I guess this is it. Marty, crack the window.

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers.

Dad, please. What are you saying? Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them --

Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. Rick, when we met, l was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change... Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. Hey, listen, I've grown, too.

You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick.

Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside?

I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before.

I just got bored.

and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes.

but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years? Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub!

Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins. I'll take two. Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go!

Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!"

Grandpa, go home and drink. Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age. Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science.

I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics.

Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones. Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my cahapes.

Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination.

You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die!

It was a long six hours, but we've overhauled "Needful Things" into the globally-compliant web 4.0 "E-nomenon," n33dful.Com, spelled with threes instead of "E's." Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google!

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue.

What do you do?

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays.

Why couldn't I bring my portal gun?

Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers.

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that.

What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god,

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass!

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl!

possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty.

This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.

but also dancing.

He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now. Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see?

You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

Oh, here we go!

Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me!

J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J,

What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it?

And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles.

I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why -- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him.

MORTY: I think you're getting what you wanted, Summer. Something's happening to Unity. Do all of you remember who you are? Yeah, uh, my name is Ron Benson. I'm an electrical engineer, father of two, and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings, I'm a member of this planet's top race!

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country,

"Get Schwifty" was a jam. Hello? Yes, sir, yeah.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it,

Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work.

Yes.

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life?

but it's time to relax.

Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them!

You're fired.

I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

Oh, my god!

Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

Drop the portal gun.

lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this? You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty? Any idea what that is down there? The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them.

I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here! Yo, ding-dong, we're done here. Time to go. Well, Jerry

What's that dipshit doing out there?

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat.

Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never!

Ooh. Ohh. Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly.

You're a whole planet now, huh? After we broke up, I spent some time wandering through space. Then I found this world... ...where l was better able to focus on my passion for unification. You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick,

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No!

All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud.

Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon? Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty,

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't!

The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer.

l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers.

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep.

A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?

That's the difference between you and me.

and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews!

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically.

That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.

The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck.

and Davin's there alone. Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin. Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J,

That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse. So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die.

How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department?

But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik

Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy!

We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples. We got, uh, a -- crushed red party cups, 15 1/2 brapples. Welcome back to "Funny Songs."

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad!

J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

You know, so we can take them wis-- With u-- with us if we lose? That's planning for failure, Marty, Even dumber than regular planning. Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty,

When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.

RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases? Hey, doc.

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty,

I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty,

1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But --

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.

Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else.

I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?

JERRY: All right, just one more rally, then I promise we'll get back to your science project. Dad, Pluto isn't a planet. lt's shrinking because of corporations. Yeah, that's what that anti-planet nut job Scrcocopy Noopers was screaming about outside the Ministry of Money's Fundraiser. Are you telling me four billion Plutonians are wrong? You said science wasn't easy. I said science isn't always easy.

Wubba lubba dub dub!

Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details. Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think.

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?

Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that.

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak,

Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No!

Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems.

You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Come on, Rick. There's a giant in the clouds! Yeah. Beginner's luck.

Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty!

H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.

Oh, what the hell?! I know, right? MORTY: Jerryboreel?

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds."

Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun?

I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it,

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world,

I'm a troublesome octopus person. Uh-Oh. I gotta save some trouble 'cause here comes a trouble mite. SUMMER: Gross! Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know?

Oh, boy, I envy you,

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

Jerry, go ahead and sit there and put this on. This machine isolates the part ofthe subject's brain containing all perceptions of its romantic partner. And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life.

It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices? Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is. Oh, my god, Rick, look!

none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work. We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as, because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt.

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein!

Ooh. Ohh. Ooh.

MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?

The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home?

I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.

What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff.

Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right.

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.

l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick.

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty!

They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage.

Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please?

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow!

RICK: Can't wait.

Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick. Glad you're safe, Jerry. What do you say we go home? I'd like that. Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126? Uh, I'm not sure. Marty, Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket. - What?! - Way to go, Marty, Eh, whatever. - Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

Did you get any of that?

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off,

but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize.

Suck my huge dick!

Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.

Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time --

Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals.

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly.

J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah!

uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck.

would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No! No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh...

So, let's say 60 smidgens.

We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

Shmla -- Shmlangela? Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"!

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints.

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it!

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed.

Well, w-what did you think, Marty? Life just developed on Earth by itself? Here, let me take care of this. Geez, Rick, that's disgusting. I don't wanna look at that. Yeah, guess I'm out of fluid. L-Let me find a place to stop. Hey, muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet,

The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed.

You're welcome.

I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but -- Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple?

Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man.

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this?

I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? I prefer my own penis, and so should you! The brave Earth man whose sacrifice is going to allow Shrimply Pibbles to live --

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?

Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary.

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth.

Come on, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that. Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I? So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby.

That'll keep 'em busy for a while. Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer.

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah!

Aah! Huh? What the fuck?

l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season.

pathetic, white, white,

- Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven...

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty!

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho! J, Oh, it feels good J,

Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw. Mr. Needful, how could you even think of doing something so horrible? I'm the devil. What should I do when I fail -- get myself an ice cream? You haven't failed.

15 1/2 brapples. Welcome back to "Funny Songs." It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience. Um, longtime fan ofthe show. Uh -- What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music.

What the hell?! I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?

Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six. Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!

We're Jerrys. I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed. Marty, take the wheel! Whoa! Whoa! Geez! Damn it, Morty!

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years.

Death!

lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit.

A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.

REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many.

See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to!

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country,

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

Uh... okay, J, What have I become J, J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J,

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing.

Um -- Wow, Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer. I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever?

The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius." Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick.

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down.

His subconscious is panicking. Run!

It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels.

Wha?

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him!

RICK: Listen, Beth, don't torture yourself. I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale. ls, um, is he mad at me? He's not pressing charges. I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad. Can he have visitors? He'd like to be alone.

1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics.

And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore.

Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.

We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun.

Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop --

Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school?

- What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots?

Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on?

What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

Rubber baby baby bunkers!

- Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that?

There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night.

you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know,

I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms.

This is harder than it looks.

Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.

Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris!

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see.

You little turd.

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean?

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?

Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me.

Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this.

These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Marty, They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay! What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got. JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America,

I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants.

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing!

W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick!

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.

You thought about getting an abortion? Everyone thinks about it, Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it, so you're welcome. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, thank you guys so much. It's a real treat to be raised by parents that forced themselves to be together instead of being happy. Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? Mmm!

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.

Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.

But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why -- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family?

It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases? Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp,

BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison?

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!

It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move.

I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

Nice.

Race war!

Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination!

Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!

Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind.

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers.

Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help.

Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Run!

Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Good bye.

J, I will make you hurt J, Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

I got pregnant at 17. I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't... I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth.

it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.

Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle,

You don't fuck with time!

Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time.

The nipple hole. It's beautiful.

Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers?

You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,

Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium...

But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What?

What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.

So your teenage daughter's marrying a Birdman.

Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!

These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch!

Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves Alan Jefferson or something like that. It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great.

Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian.

At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow!

Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage!

Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

Get off of me, Morty!

JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not.

but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible.

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed! So, what do you think? You wanna... keep this marriage going a while longer?

This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look!

"Uh, Tammy, you're a high-School senior from the planet Earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!" Yeah, Tammy! But then I think, you know, in a lot ofways, l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth. In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation,

Science isn't always easy, Morty.

Grandpa Rick, where are we going? Well, obviously, Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar? Ticketmaster. Oh, there -- there we go, Summer. Hey -- hey, brother. Hey, bra,

Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today. Welcome home, Water-T.

Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity.

Marty, a moment of your time?

Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky?

Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! - Out. - Whatcha doin'? Well, I can't solve the problem my way, thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups.

You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on.

Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane!

We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh?

I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?

Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't.

Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go.

L 'chaim!

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

What's he doing? What's he crafting?

Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

We're decrypting it now. HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!

Uh, just so you're prepared,

My life is a fucking joke!

W-w-w-where we running ta? Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Aah! Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

Oh! Rick!

but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!

All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

ANNOUNCER: Ina world where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents,

My gear-turnings as ofyet in the curious case of these unidentified humanoid fugitives, reportedly at large somewhere within the gear system. Son of a,,,

You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's.

Assemble the troops. I've made a decision. Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak,

What? What the hell are you doing?

Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,.,

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up,

J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed.

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

Hey, I'm notjudging. Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science.

We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey.

The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.

We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

cactus, shark, golden retriever,

I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it.

Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! l-l-ls that why you're doing this, you don't want me and Rick to be happy? No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know?

PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children.

Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak,

it’s "Saturday Night Live, "

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

I hate being a teenager!

You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die?

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,

Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J,

Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch! I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that! Stay. What do you want?

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard!

He's a good guy, isn't he?

Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

A whole world populated by intelligent dogs.

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.

So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Seriously?

Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel. I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, but beyond that... I know you can do it, son. I think it's time I get a place of my own, I promise I'll call you every day I need money or a place to do laundry.

J, These memories that we have J, J, These memories that we cherish J,

Okay, things are getting out of hand.

Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

l-l-l understand.

ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this.

did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient."

That's it, I'm calling security. No! All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room where none ofthe people whose stuff I stole can get to us, Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish.

I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan!

This place is great, you know?

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch."

It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here.

Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go. Thank y-o-o-ou.

And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front. Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!

Revenge. What?!

I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't!

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think.

Oh...um... "Bitch."

and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots?

I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela?

Class dismissed.

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty. I don't care about Jessica!

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

- What?! - Damn.

And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend!

More are coming.

W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty,

J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man!

All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes. Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time. Yes.

Ohhhhh! Hey! Ohhhhhh.

Okay, hold on just a second, Morty. Ooh.

Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah.

l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable. Which I also wouldn't do! I'm just saying, it's bad craftsmanship.

I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there,

Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13. - Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!

No, you need to let me talk! Shut up! Hold it! Don't move! Stay back! This watch turns people into snakes! Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery.

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing. Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean.

Nintendo, give me free stuff.

Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick!

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run"

Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today.

and then y-y-you help 'em? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together. Dude, are you -- w-- you're being a dick, right? Oh, gosh, l-l hope not. l-l-l-l-l-l wouldn't want to offend you in any way. You're really a Rick?

which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.

Have fun, you two. Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic.

RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box?

Oh!

BOTH: Tiny Rick!

And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarcks. But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall?

I remember the first time I saw her.

W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

FEMALE UNITY: Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes. i 'm not strong enough to do it in persons. DELI VERY GU Y? i realize now that i 'm attracted to you for the same reason i can't be with you. You can't change. BEGGAR: And I have no problem with that, but it clearly means i have a problem with myself, N EWS PAP E R VE N DO R: /'m sure there's no perfect version of me.

Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

J, It feels good J,

Grandpa, go home and drink. Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age. Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science.

Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,

Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is.

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa.

Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome.

you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years.

Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty,

Welcome back to "Funny Songs." It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience. Um, longtime fan ofthe show. Uh -- What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music.

I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet.

I got ambitions, man.

H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?!

You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy.

That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.

MORTY: Jerryboreel?

I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn?

Marty!

Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me --

Ooh, he's trying!

Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract!

This is.

Well, Jerry I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but -- Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work.

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes.

but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time.

RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?!

You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!

so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good.

Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god!

O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.

lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa!

It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

- Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me.

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer.

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.

Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions!

and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy?

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way.

It's getting weird.

Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song,

You're a surgeon -- a human surgeon. Yay, you win.

- I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim!

Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh? Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson. Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.? Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel. I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, but beyond that...

What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again!

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J,

This is a Meeseeks Box.

Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it,

I like this name -- Fart.

Yeah. Good one, Jerry.

No! No! Ow!

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

How does a man do this without me noticing? Oh, you know my dad once he puts his mind to something. You're spinning this to his credit? I'm going down there. - Jerry -- - Beth, this is my house, which makes this my garage, my secret hatch, my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler.

I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something?

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea.

Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school.

Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic. Speaking of disasters, Dad, we are leaving you in charge. I know, c-can we wrap this up? Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage. Hey, don't blow me off. I am drawing a line, okay? Any damage to this house or these children when we get back, and...

This is my house.

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom.

I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. Whoa! What is this on the floor? Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea -- bad pitch -- let's put your Dad here. Let's put your Dad in a nursing home. We're losing him. Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps!

Now get the fuck out of here.

Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick. Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it.

Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?! Everybody, in here! Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What?

Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough.

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse.

Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight?

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news.

Nope. This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty, Anything with less than eight limbs is considered disabled here. WOMAN: Well, look at this fella. Aren't you handsome? Thank you. - I'm Jerry. - Oh, I know you are.

One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that.

Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why?

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games!

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then--

ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty,

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children.

I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation. More wine? I think I've had enough.

All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well? Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it, Rick!

couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.

...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch?

' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!

Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap.

To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed

How are we gonna get back home?

I love this man!

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting!

Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can, RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick?

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.

Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right. I think I'm certain we're effed in the "A." Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do?

Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out.

at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld.

I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here.

Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.

Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers.

This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are. l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers.

Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what?

but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.

Half of all time!

I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on. All right, I'm bored.

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me.

Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So?

Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. There already is no more bacon!

I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease.

What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no. What the -- No!

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight.

Our pleasure.

Did you want to play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house!

lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe. And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks,

It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning!

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!

Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction! Geez, Morty. I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet. I don't want to talk about it. - Okay, guys, let's go home. - Where's Dad?

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela? Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"?

You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant.

l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam!

Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves!

You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him! No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.

And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience?

Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

...scare Scary Terry.

We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh!

I'm a certified horse surgeon,

the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room? Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?

l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass!

Seems like when I exist, life gets a little more -- I don't know -- predictable? When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. Give me a break. We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. Oh, I get it, Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.

ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Annie. ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick.

Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip. Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward,

We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold, or is itjust me?

Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.

We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things.

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick,

Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories,

"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick.

and then you'll be trapped there, winning the same fight for eternity. I can take out the "eternity" and the padding, and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens. Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby. How's business? Here's the last of our inventory. We're going to file chapter ll and do some restructuring.

One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

You're not. Or are you?

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst.

Good bye.

It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.

Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

Come on in, guys.

You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great.

Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long.

Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!

How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!

I told you not to trust that tuna.

Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that?

Their entire culture is built around their penises.

Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty?

Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one.

You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. There you are, Marty, Listen to me.

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery.

A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '

Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me!

Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient."

Rick!

Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on. All right, I'm bored. Rick, is there a way for you to call Summer and Marty?

Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair, so you can make an army of your badass self? There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are!

Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?!

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!

Come on! Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay!

Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real.

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians!

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Gross!

But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs. Hey, there. Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill Wow, you sure found this guy quick,

Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop -- Marty! Have you met Gearhead?

Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here!

Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it,

and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery. What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack?

Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened.

iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

Frank Palicky was frozen to death today!

What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors!

Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right.

Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah! Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now, calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah!

The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train? Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go!

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh...

- O h, my god, - Aah!

Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8...

Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up! Hold it! Don't move! Stay back! This watch turns people into snakes! Oh!

My man!

They blew up,

Where are my testicles, Summer?

l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy!

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why? That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid.

Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J,

Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when yourworld is one. Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker.

Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something.

Oh, boy, Morty. Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick.

We did it! What do you know? He was right! Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second! Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa!

Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What?

Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty!

Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!

You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.

Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something.

Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word?

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing.

All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.

That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out. Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on! Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go.

All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it.

You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff?

There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally.

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?

Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works.

Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay, which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable?

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast.

MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together.

Marty! Summer! It's me! lt's Rick! Regular Rick! Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head!

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, It's still raining up here J,

It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf.

Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car?

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land.

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! Dad, I'm so confused!

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife.

You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb!

I consider it a violation.

The citadel of Ricks.

Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual.

I like your feathers. They are designed to attract the attention of the female. It's working.

Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework? Yeah -- j-just don't do it. Grandpa! Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar? Wow, Hat trick. All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time?

Mi casa es su casa, dawg!

Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,

Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?

W O M A N ', Ongoing investigations.

He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh!

"Last Will and Testi-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House // " Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts? Oh, hey, Morty. You just missed a preview for your Dad's "Citizen Kane." Doesn't matter. Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys chose?

When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.

Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Never. Back in a flash.

Did you get any ofthat?

Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover,

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on.

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard!

Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick!

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here.

But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep.

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America!

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know?

RICK: Unity! Unity! Unity! How can I assist you? I want to talk to Unity, Beta Seven. I know it's in there. You're classified as a hostile entity, and Unity doesn't want to talk to you. I know your game, Beta Seven. I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in-the-wings shoulder to cry on!

When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16.

But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable.

It's okay! Never mind!

Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing. MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"?

The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you! J, These memories that we have J, J, These memories that we cherish J,

Since when do you have a job? Since last week.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,

There is something I wish to teach you.

And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, "

it’s polite, " right, and " Sneezy, Deezy Mc... Deluxe. l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer.

We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.

Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass.

W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.

More wine?

But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What? Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, "

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

Da,

Breaking news -- Academy Award- Winning actor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown.

Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

That is su-- -- suspicious.

Hey -- hey, brother. Hey, bra, Nice racket you got going on here. Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um...

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J,

Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine.

It's beyond your reasoning.

Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir?

- Am I me? - Am I talking right now?

What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!

Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back!

The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it,

Hold your fire! What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government, Thanks to the skilled diplomacy ofthis mysterious space car, from this day forward, human and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them,

But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering.

FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed

Here's the deal. I'm not here to judge. I'm just a guy from another planet. But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha?

My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top,

Class dismissed. Geez.

Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back.

They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Marty, They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay! What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got.

to support my wife,,,

Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes. Yes, look through my eyeholes. /'m the E yeho!e... Man. /'m the only one that's allowed to have E yeho!es.

I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens.

You really dropped the ball, man. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?

Fine. I'll just do it myself.

Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

It's how things should be.

See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop -- Marty! Have you met Gearhead?

Marty, crack the window.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!

Your destination is below. We're all out of off-white Persian. Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?! Drop the gun. You don't understand! This guy was gonna kill someone! I guess that makes two of us, Aah! What are you doing, Marty? This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory,

Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh ! That's beautiful.

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.

poof. Um, a party? ls everyone in your family an idiot? Well, for sure me and my Dad are. Well, all you have to do is get him to admit that,

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves.

Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

Here's yours! Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice. Pardon, Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension?

Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay. You two call yourselves geniuses, but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree.

And now I'm -- I help people. I save people. I'm a troublesome octopus person. Uh-Oh. I gotta save some trouble 'cause here comes a trouble mite. SUMMER: Gross! Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?

- Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up,

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire.

You can't throw a party! Rememberwhat mom said? Yeah, if anything gets messed up, you and Grandpa Rick get punished.

Beth's automatically on board always with every decision I make.

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld.

Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan.

lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?

You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.

Did you get any ofthat?

Aah! Marty, why? Why?

What about this? Babylegs, you’re a good detective. But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs. Hey, there. Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill

Noooooo!

"World peace achieved." Nice.

Uh, yeah, just masturbating!

Free of charge. One never pays here -- not with money. Nothing to read into there. Thanks! Sorry I'm late, Mr. Needful. This is my grandpa, Rick. He was just leaving. Huh. Tell me, Rick, what do you desire? Eh, I make my own stuff.

Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

I need food.

Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,

I ask you to do one thing!

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land.

Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome.

you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you. So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge?

The nipple hole. It's beautiful. Oh, no! Holy crap!

Is that a lot? Is it a little?

Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future!

RICK: I'm almost there, Marty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States.

We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying. The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty?

At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets. Buh-bye. WhOops. I'm sorry, Mr. Needful. l'll clean that up, I don't know what I can do about the ghost lady that came out of it, but -- It's fine.

Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe.

J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J, J, It's a small, small intestine J,

What's that? Who's that baby?

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request.

Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad!

You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one. Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad, and let's get this dumb universe rolling.

Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars.

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!

And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ.

I wonderwhy Greg is always so critical of my girlfriend. Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself. That's how friends are. Or does he want her to himself? J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.

Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery.

I wonderwhy Greg is always so critical of my girlfriend. Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself. That's how friends are. Or does he want her to himself?

Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick?

Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure,

We're losing him. All right, fine.

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday!

What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed!

undefined I don't know what to do!

I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa. I love you, too, Terry.

Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty?

I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me! Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F... Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well.

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!

Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Come here. No! Stop! I hate this!

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh!

That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth?

Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room,

Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something.

I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?

Keep Summer safe.

We killed a vampire anda gym teacher. Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer.

Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that.

Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out. You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10,9... All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me.

Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it.

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should --

Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.

Fuck 'em. Fuck those people.

It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Oh, my god! Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk? Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut? Uh, l'm...not sure. Exactly. Show me what you got!

I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife.

But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so --

You better get moving. These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work. They're not gonna last all night. I need five minutes.

And I'm lucky to have you, and I never tell you that! You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family. Please don't do this! Please don't do this! - Summer! - Summer, listen carefully. I stole a paper clip, and I have it in my cheek, but I don't know what to do with it, and it hurts. You're going to be okay. You will come back as babies. I am a baby! I'm a baby now!

It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane.

but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there, but I know us, and you're real, Jerry. Remember our vacation?

Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!

from this day forward, human and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them, and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption. Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car?

Ooh, watch out for that stuff.

No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.

Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place.

But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. That's what I think of your crystals, Rick! Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me.

What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves!

Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run!

We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them. Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe.

Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god,

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.

Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing?

No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!

- Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen?

no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy? Not a bad trade for spider peace. All right, that's it, Move out!

which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know? I mean, who knows what -- what if somebody breaks something?

Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life.

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks!

who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death.

Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5,

Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy.

Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me.

I don't know -- predictable? When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. Give me a break.

Class dismissed.

Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal.

Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart.

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick?

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough.

Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable.

Yeah, uh... give me a sec. These are the forms for the employee health plan. All right, yeah, put -- put them on my-, eh. I just got bored. Everybody out. JERRY: All right, just one more rally, then I promise we'll get back to your science project. Dad, Pluto isn't a planet.

you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow!

I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain.

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...

They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca.

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird. I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going.

J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J, J, Goes away in the end J,

U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax. Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?

Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha!

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J,

Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.

Ohh, I don't doubt it,

You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me,

Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51. People! Everyone! Remain calm! Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith. When God deals you an 11, you don't fold!

None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant.

RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.

Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!

- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about,

Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God!

Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun. Like, letting go ofthe need to be popular is what makes people like you. The most important love you can receive is from yourself. Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club!

Hold on.

No, you won't.

Buckle up!

What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing?

Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.

He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

- Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him! No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!

And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit.

Now, there's a wide range of options to choose tram,

Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry.

Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here?

once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.

Is that what I think it is? Yes, every couple gets to re-create Jack's drowning at the end ofthe movie. It's so romantic. I can't wait to do that with Beth. I don't know, Jerry. With all due respect... it seems like your wife may not be that interested. Look! Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed.

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

Have a little perspective. Hey, Rick, squanchy party, bro! Aw! Squanchy! Is there a good place for me to squanch around here? Squahchy, you can squanch wherever you want, man, Mi casa es su casa, dawg! All right! I like your squanch!

mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

You don't have to mollycoddle me. I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing. I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest-- - Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you,

We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this,

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this?

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband!

I mean, I'm not doing much of anything. What do I do if it cries? Then you put it down and let it cry itself out. Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer, and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity.

Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up,

galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,

Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.

I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh?

Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis. This microscope reveals things beyondcomprehension. Grandpa, go home and drink.

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

She's a woman. He's a man. The city burns in the background as he takes her in his arms. Fade out. Title -- 'The End'... question mark." Wow, Yeah? lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it? Of course I did. You didn't laugh at the scene in the bar. l...thought it was funny, but I wanted to hear the rest.

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die.

It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions.

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors.

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty,

The plucky little ball of water and d/rt,

You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10,9... All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic.

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please!

Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?

Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this.

An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe.

A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine. Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore.

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.

Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry.

This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

That's where my seeds are. lfwe would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them,

I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon.

because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am. Marty, Time to purge.

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi.

Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine.

Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down? Well, it's bath,

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.

What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting.

Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable.

Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

I'll be in the garage.

Disqualified.

This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity.

and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down.

See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family,

- Here's another. - l’m the killer.

Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?!

keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target. Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music.

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy,

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one.

Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Oxygen-rich atmosphere. Giant testicle monsters. We'll be fine! Let's party!

My name is Marty Smith, from Earth dimension C-137. I know you're scared, because /'m scared. But that's no reason to accept our fate! We're Mortys! We're not defined by our relationships to Rick! Our destiny is our own! This sounds like something the one true Marty might say. I'm sick of being a human shield.

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey.

Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah!

J, Can you take me now? J, J, I want it real J, J, Are you afraid of me now? J, JV J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J,

"Dada." Domination!

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.

and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working.

Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season.

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. Grandpa Rick, couldn't you, like, use your superknowledge to turn yourself into a teenager and come to our school and help us hunt the vampire down?

It's a good-a show!

Bring up the holograms.

Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being, I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme?

Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going... to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl. Gee, thanks, Brad. I throw balls far. You want good words? Date a languager.

Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it.

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J,

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,

Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad? l'm ignoring you.

l outrank you.

This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole.

J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J, Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top.

And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk?

From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl!

A sophisticated predator, nature 's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill, it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!

God, I feel terrible. Yep, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the Universe can be. One minute you're falling off a roof for six months, the next minute, bam! Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under -- Uh, what? It was your job, Marty, - Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer. I got to back the "M" bomb on this one.

i don't give a fuck.

At least we can agree on that. Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation,

I'll take you to dinner. Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine.

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen.

Screw you, Rick!

I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!

Head north.

The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other. Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?

Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over.

Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system. That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline.

Pull the fucking trigger!

Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama." So cute!

I don't want girls. I want Jessica. Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate.

Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick?

Listen to me, Marty,

Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

- What's your problem? - What's yours?

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer.

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out --

Oh! Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

No, no! Look, you idiot!

Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me!

We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day.

but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

BETH: So, Dad, guess what tomorrow is, Martin Luther King Jr/s birthday. No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

Rick. Portal. Hurry.

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!

Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh?

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back.

iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on! Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go!

Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes,

...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick,

Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives,

Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap.

Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

- Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.

J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"?

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty,

Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds.

I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby.

Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity.

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,

Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that.

What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40. Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting.

Hey, don't shove me!

So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.

Hello, Summer. Hello, Marty, It's okay. You're safe now. Unity? - Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing.

Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever.

and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad?

A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here.

It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson.

Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

- Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up?

Show me what you got!

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke! Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

Whoa! Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train?

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?!

school is stupid.

Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?

How you feel?! Why is everything always happening to you?! Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.

What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species, Beta Seven. Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice. Unity,

What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick.

Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh...

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick! Yeah, yeah.

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer!

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am --

Wait for us! There's only room for one more.

Next time I party, I'm just gonna focus on getting totally wrecked. You're so wise. May I assist you with that? Uh, sure, yeah. Thanks.

Where is Marty?

How are you guys not freaking out right now?! T-The whole house is sitting in another dimension! l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker!

God, I feel terrible. Yep, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the Universe can be.

All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!

Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space.

Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.

But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff.

That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

Me, too. RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.

it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer.

A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers,

Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh?

Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me. You know, parents are just kids having kids. One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son. I'm an alien?

Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not.

Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi.

Please just let this work out.

All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically.

Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry.

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro! I can't believe she's here. Well, what are you doing standing here, Marty? Go, Talk to her.

You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected.

Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack? Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof. Eh, unless she has the flu.

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project?

Rick? How -- How did you --

J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J, J, It's a small, small intestine J,

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!!

We will find our peace in the next world, So, what -- y-y-y-y-you're just gonna give up? We're giving in -- to the power of the one true Marty, One day, he will return. TOGETH ER: Praise the one true Marty, Ugh. All right, Mortys, listen up,

Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me.

Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me.

I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J,

I got the crystals!

On one of our adventures.., Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place.

How? They took my portal gun.

J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight.

A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!

J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!

look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

Disqualified!

I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right.

Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty, who I hear had a great party last night. So, class dismissed. You've got the day off! All right! Good work, Mr. Goldenfold! Yeah, get outside. Read a book. Put on some sunscreen, Danielle!

You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help.

I don't think the Gromflamites can track us now, but it looks like we're gonna be here for a while. Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it?

What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children!

He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr.

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!

How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about?

There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai!

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline.

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on!

including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop, You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick. What do you know, Marty? What do you know?

Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives!

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.

J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick!

Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.

Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

It's a good-a show!

He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom?

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

You have arrived at Krombopuios Michael, Your destination is below. We're all out of off-white Persian. Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?!

I'm Jerry Smith. All right. I'll just...get to the pitch. Um, simple question, gentlemen, what are apples? Excuse me. Ahh, What are apples? Apples are food.

Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters -- those facts are who you are.

What in the hell?

Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.

Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on.

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die.

MAN: It's a good show.

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,

Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4! Rick, Marty, lce-T, the timetable's moved up,

- Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god!

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry. W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.

You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth.

There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these?

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!!

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch?

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine.

Oh, my god, I'm a good person. No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Wow, What do you know? Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg. Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty,

They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.

We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert! Ohhhhh!

Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty,

Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from? My -- my -- my grandpa Rick sent me! Poncho! That's quite enough.

Oh, shit.

A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough.

I feel better.

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

I'm not ready to die.

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?

This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible. And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't.

May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline.

You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

- Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved.

Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now!

Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!

I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay. Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap!

ln here. Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it.

What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.

Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little --

Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension.

Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh!

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck.

I suppose, Marty, I suppose.

Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time,

- ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god!

Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity.

Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what.

Well, maybe you're right.

Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll, Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move?

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy?

Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week!

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!

Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! WOMAN: In your face! Give me the gun, I'm not doing this in front of Pencilvester. Bring him to the garage. You listen to me, you son of a bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors.

Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back!

Jan Michael Vincents are used up. I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent. Is it important that we know who Jan Michael Vincent was,,, - In order to get this? - Nope. I refuse to send the legislation that allows more than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct. This Jan- Uary,

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick!

So, what -- y-y-y-y-you're just gonna give up?

It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica!

one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth?

We got, uh, a -- crushed red party cups, 15 1/2 brapples. Welcome back to "Funny Songs." It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience. Um, longtime fan ofthe show. Uh -- What do you do? What's your profession?

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

Okay, yeah, fine.

Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now. Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake.

Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!

I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen?

You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty? Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady.

You know what? I'm taking this.

Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?

Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

J, Shit on the floor J,

Summer is doing really well here. She's aced every test in potato class,

- What? - Nothing. Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean. Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know,

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it, Whatever.

Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh.

"We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped.

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty,

You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl,

Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,

I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green?

i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town.

What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it! I'm trying! It's too late. Ladies and gentlemen... don't brace yourselves.

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store?

Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

M-my drink is empty.

I promise I'll call you every day I need money or a place to do laundry.

But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us,

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

You two call yourselves geniuses, but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the --

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important --

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues?

More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.

Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.

Aah! Unh!

You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,

They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity,

SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer.

Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage. JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened?

All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room where none ofthe people whose stuff I stole can get to us, Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples.

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay.

FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me!

No, I'm okay. Whoa!

Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?

He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick.

They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s?

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick. We'll have two Bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels?

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

Hey, Marty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger?

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die!

Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here!

Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon?

giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true,

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty!

Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words?

Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell?

Aah! Unh!

If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you,

Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

In the name ofthe squanch, the six rivers, the four squanches, and the nine balls, l unite these two organisms in eternal squanch! Tammy, you may squanch your vows now. Birdperson... You are my seed, my worm, my earliness, and my lack of cats.

My god, the man's a genius. Um, excuse me. Marty, what? Dad, what did you think about the recent report published by The Pluto Science Reader linking Pluto-quakes, sinkholes, and surface shrinkage to deep-core plutonium drilling?

You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty, This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay.

so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head. J, Let me out J, J, What you see is not the same person as me J, J, My life's a lie J, J, I'm not who you're looking at J, J, Let me out, set me free J, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J,

This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J,

Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know?

Welcome back to "Funny Songs."

Hello, everyone!

Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J,

who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick.

Regular pancakes are fine.

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.

J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah!

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.

Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J,

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave. That is a hatch. Your father put a hatch in my garage. You don't know it was him. Anyway, we're not supposed to be in here. Obviously, neither is whatever's gurgling down there.

What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks.

Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out.

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend,

Let go of me! Marty!

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General?

Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F... Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today.

Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty, This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs.

This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times.

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?

This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.

Jerry, get a job.

and fuck me for letting my guard down,

You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse?

Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster. Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship.

Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

Oh! Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right?

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute.

Paid for by Michael Denny and The Denny Singers.

Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks,

It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel. I actually got that on another planet. So it is an alien towel to me. - Good luck. - Thanks.

GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise -- It's never pretty. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other. As we can all see,

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!

Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know?

But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm --

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.

Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary.

And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together. Get back!

Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

Great President. All right, let's go.

You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.

- Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah!

Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet.

undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing. MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating.

Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha!

Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

Because he's dead, too!

Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill. Whoa!

We weren't even supposed to be down here. Ifwe confront him about this -- Oh, my god! I love this. I love that this is how far you will go for him. You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a Lifetime original above a fucking alien dungeon! Your relationship with your father is psychotic. Oh, listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person.

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues?

Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty?

What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them,

That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally. Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad. Let's find a control room or something.

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!

RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday! JERRY: Oh! Jerk. Don't insult my father. He's the reason our kids are only half-stupid. Ha! You just called yourself -- Oh, - Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four. Your marriage can rest easy now.

Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?!

What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?!

Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife? Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!

What the fuck did you do, Summer?!

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit,

Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.

Shit!

we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome. J, Look on down from the bridge J,

a hit song,

Oh, man. I cannot wait --

Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it,

Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you.

Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then--

the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah!

And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels?

Check this out. It's beautiful. You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you. What's that, Marty? I think you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there.

Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through. You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic.

He recognizes the other dogs on TV, J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!

So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be.

I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name.

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise.

And now, another quick mystery.

Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space. " l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space.

Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree,

Summer! Ethan?

Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one. J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J,

You can't leave. You're 17. Yeah, and I'm not pregnant.

S-Samantha. Please, mister!

This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty, Anything with less than eight limbs is considered disabled here.

Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got.

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

Hit the sack, Jack.

We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life, you got to stop listening to yourself. Wow, You really are wise, Jerry. l-l-l guess that's why you work in advertising.

He is the one true Marty! Hooray! The one true Marty! Hey, keep it down!

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.

if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud,

He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

Back the fuck up!

Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

This is bad, Marty,

clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today!

There's a giant in the clouds!

Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,

Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today. RICK: You gotta be careful, Marty, If that guy catches you with a box of his Eyeholes, he comes bursting in through a window and just starts kicking the shit out of you. But it's worth the risk. They melt in your mouth, Marty, They're delicious. Dad, I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

- Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on. - Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved. No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it, - Yeah, I did.

I need five minutes.

There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically.

You have arrived at Krombopuios Michael, Your destination is below. We're all out of off-white Persian.

You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot?

who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God!

Cronenberg Morty.

J, Look away from the sky J, J, It's no different when you're leaving home J,

l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye.

Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer!

I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick,

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad!

I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate.

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play.

- Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad!

I am here if you need to talk.

That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it?

Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me!

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting.

q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

Allahu Akbar!

Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

What are apples? Apples are food. And...when do we need food? When we're hungry. With that, I give you your new slogan! Well, say something! Do you like it?

Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty,

RICK: Worst movie ever.

Duck, duck, birdie?

- Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!

There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night. l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?

Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it,

No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?

Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,

Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

That's my new word for shit because of today's events.

Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me.

Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck! GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise -- It's never pretty. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other.

You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse,

See that?

You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.

Aah! Scalpel.

Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at?

Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

Pull the fucking trigger!

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

What the hell are you doing?! Put it down!

D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

"Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No!

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!

J, There's still fountains down there J, J, Look on down from the bridge J,

Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff?

Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items?

I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs."

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.

We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you.

But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy!

I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them.

Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it.

Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera. Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12.

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Fuck you!

A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show.

I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks.

Gar Ma Nar Nar,

Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too. Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today? None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey?

Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ.

Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet!

If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?

That is pretty gay.

BOTH: Tiny Rick! Okay, but if not tonight, when? I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea, in the first place, and, now, you're trying to rush it along. Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you?

Please, ljust want to go home. Okay.

Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson.

We -- you're a real true hero out in the field.

- Out. - Whatcha doin'? Well, I can't solve the problem my way, thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups. Gross. I might havejust touched one of Morty's loads. But maybe I can find suitable parents for Marty Jr, on this robot's home world, which is... Gazcorpazcorp in the Andromeda system. Scoot, Summer. Don't you need a new companion

First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem.

Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow!

Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.

I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

I can do whatever you do and more, baby. You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop.

Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time? Tiny Rick, this conversation is gonna break my heart wide open. You're a great student and the fact that you're an 80-Year-Old man in a clone body, it never bothered me. But this here is another matter. You recognize this?

That's the last straw!

J, Are you afraid of me now? J,

This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other.

lfyou'd stop being such an evangelical atheist,

Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.

Breaking news-- Shrimply Pibbles is being held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith. Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know. Do it! Do it! Remove my penis! Sir, put the gun down and step away from Mr. Pibbles!

I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me. I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry. I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you?

Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now, Ohh, man.

l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose,

like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family?

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.

You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine.

I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J, J, I want it real J, J, Run away with me now J, J, I want it real J,

Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake do-o-o-o-rsi

What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me!

- How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful.

Now, let's go get you hydrated. Looks like we've got... haunted boxing gloves that wril make you the heavyweight champion in 1936, and then you'll be trapped there, winning the same fight for eternity. I can take out the "eternity" and the padding, and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens. Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby. How's business?

Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too.

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer.

Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life.

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel.

If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.

Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter.

My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

J, These memories that we cherish J, J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,

The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.

Come on, Morty.

I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this!

Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny!

You want to slow dance?

Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously?

There you are, Marty,

MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown! I just think it's time to get realistic.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them?

Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute.

You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault.

You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me!

The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you?

Like, letting go ofthe need to be popular is what makes people like you. The most important love you can receive is from yourself. Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that!

Concentrate, Morty.

I'm sorry. I just got expelled, Summer! Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young. My top! Screw your top! You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life!

MORTY: I think you're getting what you wanted, Summer. Something's happening to Unity.

Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out.

Dad, theirwhole planet is dying. Ha! You called it a planet. Checkmate. What's up, Pluto? Mr. Smith, please tell my friend here what you just told me. Go on. My very eager mother just served us nine pickles, and the "pickles" is Pluto.

Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty! Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man.

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude!

I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow !

you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to --

No! Don't flashback!

Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married!

We're not on any time line, dummy.

You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards.

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all.

This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!? Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry!

Rick!

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

Oh, my god!

Yeah. All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now!

What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney.

Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s? What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?

Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today? None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice. Hey, Marty, there's our Jerry. Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick.

Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty,

None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.

In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

Mrs. Tate, is it? What do you desire? Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,.,

"We."

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster!

Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty?

You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Then I better crunch the numbers.

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!

Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel.

Forget about the park, doctor! How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy? Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged.

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa! J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!

We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times.

f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine. Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack? That's Bubonic plague!

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro! I can't believe she's here.

That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J,

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

Summer, I've always loved you!

I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.

W-we get our family and portal out of here! Marty, good music comes from people who are relaxed. Just hit a button, Marty! Give me a beat! Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,

Shit! Things just keep on getting better.

No, that's dumb.

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.

There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light.

Mm. Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure? That's right, Mrs. Smith. Give in to your anger. Neglect that deer. Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of of elk, moose, deer, and stag.

Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo! D-don't dodge the issue, Rick! Selling a gun to a hit man is the same as pulling the trigger! It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep.

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song,

Whoa! Look at you! You're wearing the hat and everything!

An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles,

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!

Yeah, bra,

Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities,

Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife.

Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system. That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out.

How's business?

A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you.

"Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty, Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty, That way you can, you know -- y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?

I like your feathers. They are designed to attract the attention of the female. It's working. Tammy, I should let you know I just got out of a highly intense soul bond with my previous spirit mate. I'm not looking to get into a soul band, I'm just looking for... I believe Birdperson can arrange that.

Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity, powering our homes and businesses, improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned?

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes.

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car.

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.

I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up,

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J,

Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside,

Ugh! No!

You remember that one time?

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS!

- English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird.

you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on?

You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened,

You son of a bitch! Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here.

People like Rick are making me obsolete. I mean, seriously. I may be "the devil," but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell, where everyone thinks I'm smart and funny. No! It's not fair. Everyone in this town got something they wanted from you -- even Rick.

It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right. Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast!

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am?

Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?

I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet. They changed it in 2006, Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree?

...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet! I'm an idiot, and I love my son.

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh?

God damn it.

You quit school, but you still got some learning to do. Aah! Unh!

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

We shall.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Y-- of course I am -- just as much as my Morty's a Marty, Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own,

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!

Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon.

Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure. Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty!

Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies.

They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,

at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night.

Put on some sunscreen, Danielle! Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top. Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? No can do. Tonight's the big dance. And Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wing man. BOTH: Tiny Rick! Okay, but if not tonight, when? I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out!

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L"

For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

Wha-what do you want from me?

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing!

Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing!

Holy crap, Marty, run!

even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was Kitt. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain,

Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company.

undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!

Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese? That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?!

Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government, Thanks to the skilled diplomacy ofthis mysterious space car, from this day forward, human and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them,

most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased!

it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys.

Wobble gobba lop bops! Right?

Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more.

W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!

Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family!

Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,

because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty --

I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.

Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

More are coming.

and...

the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!

Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look,

I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS.

I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four, the galaxy's most successful couples' counseling institute.

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine.

It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on?

6, 10, what's the difference?

Are you tired of the same daily droii? Well, get on over to Blips and Chitz! We got, uh, one game. We got a Whole bunch of games here. You can -- we got Chabos and Flobos, and you can shoot thingsl Get over here! Play the games! Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets! "Ro y 2"just got here.

uh... guilt --

It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them?

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles.

Yes. You do? ALL: Yes. So...| sold it? I sold the idea? ALL: Yes. Oh, my god! Thank you! TOGETHER: Thank you. You're welcome. Hey!

Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby!

Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!

Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3.

the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad,

Here's another slogan right below that one. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir.

Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me.

Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it.

Too fast. SUMMER:

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Marty, Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez! I just gotta go to the bathroom. Damn. Oh, Okay, good.

This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook. A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry.

I like hanging out. Tiny Rick!

Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?!

Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke! Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real. Marty! Summer! It's me!

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you.

- No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Are you telling me four billion Plutonians are wrong? You said science wasn't easy. I said science isn't always easy. Obviously, that means sometimes it is easy. Let's not debase ourselves with word games, son. Dad, theirwhole planet is dying. Ha! You called it a planet. Checkmate.

I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human?

Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes!

The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead ofthem. Aha! Here we go. Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips. RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all.

Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first.

Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council.

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

For the love of god, get dressed!

RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, ..

The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. We will give you passage back home so it can be terminated. But first, mojitos. We don't have time for mojitos. - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer!

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch.

This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Marty style. Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally. Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry.

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple!

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.

Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god.

Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals. Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job! Seize them! Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer?

spelled with threes instead of "E's." Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google! Mm. I'm so proud of you, Lucius. So, how much did we make? "We."

W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.

Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit, - Smith family? - Yes?

Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.

One last stop, Where's the helicopter? There is no helicopter. And there is no Cervine Institute. But the top deer surgeon-, I'm looking at her. Thanks for teeing me up like that. You better get moving. These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work.

God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure.

Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half --

SU M M ER: Wow. We are so screwed. Rick, wake up, Huh? What? Wait? What? Stop. Rick, you got to do something quick. My parents are home. Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good.

i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch, so i never know what's going on. Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know,

Sex is sacred!

Back off!

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

This representation displeases me. Aaah! Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess.

You know, parents are just kids having kids. One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son. I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see.

He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you.

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!

Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off.

Bye. Later.

Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps. All right, okay, y-you know, ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know?

Holy --

Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,

What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation.

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you.

I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty,

HEADS: Hooray! Yeah. All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J,

You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid.

Not today, bitch!

he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons...

W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god,

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon.

How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing!

Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened,

Um, Rick!

almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah!

Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah.

What kind of God lets this happen?

It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do --

Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J,

You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture.

I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on.

I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring.

Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin. Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J, J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J,

...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet! I'm an idiot, and I love my son.

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it!

You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go.

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah!

That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

Happy human holiday, Dad.

SUMMER: Dumb.

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.

You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Suck my dick! P It feels good '

Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben. This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria,

I don't want to hear it, Summer!

the next minute, bam! Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under -- Uh, what? It was your job, Marty, - Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer. I got to back the "M" bomb on this one. I remember the conversation. We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer!

Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation!

No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time!

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see.

When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?

Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.

What do you desire? Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items?

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

119/11s,

Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass.

Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

- We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is. Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50?

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!

Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins! Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat --

Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true,

get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

it’s polite, " right, and " Sneezy, Deezy Mc... Deluxe. l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer.

J, I want it real J, J, Are you afraid of me now? J, JV J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel that I can see your soul? J, J, Do you feel it? J,

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth,

The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine.

He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low?

I know everything about everything?

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me.

Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to --

RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!

You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers!

Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids? I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same. All right, okay, fair is fair. lfyou do extra work, you get extra food. Oh,

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars.

Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle. Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"!

Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, But these gears just started turnin'. LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry?

I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four,

What? Why -- why me? Because, uh, you're --

Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one.

Cynthia. . .

Rick Sanchez! You psycho bag of squanch!

fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue.

Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he?

Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!

Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What?

from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless.

This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry.

You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun?

Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt.

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks!

List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.

Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns? Yes.

Suck my dick!

We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go. Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. Man, this place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found.

W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details.

ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what?

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J,

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this?

I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home.

Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy."

f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

All right, yeah, put -- put them on my-, eh. I just got bored. Everybody out.

Grassss tastes bad-ah.

- I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me. Oh! Or don't. Hey! Don't! Please! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god!

we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves. We killed a vampire anda gym teacher.

They're part of...it. Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it, ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity?

What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too.

I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate. Well, we want to make it work, if we can, It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know, gonna get a divorce? I think it's okay to dream, Marty,

I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over.

Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?

one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory. I'm gonna miss you, Snowball. You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.

W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J,

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,

Oh, hey h-hey-y! Morty, Jessica, what's up? Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd.

my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs,

Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family. And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar!

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!

Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.

My -- my -- my -- my man!

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh! If you 're from Earth, that means we’re getting married! Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson! What the hell is a Birdperson? He's Rick's best friend. Uh, l-let's not get carried away, Marty, Would you like to RSVP or send a gift? No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick?

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah!

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.

Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen.

Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery.

Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born.

We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me!

Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same.

After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream.

Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.

No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity,

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men!

i ll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other.

You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified.

We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry! What the hell are you doing here?! What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917.

Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na,

So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! The name's not buddy.

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends.

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside.

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?

What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun,

What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?

- Shut up! - You shut up!

Uh, sir? There's not a problem. What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it! I'm trying!

And, most importantly, we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya.

That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty,

Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk...

See that planet right there? Don't fly too close to that planet. Someone will come out and try to wash your windshield. Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry!

Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything.

Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures.

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

Slow down! My man!

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck,

Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed.

There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane.

Tough!

Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"?

Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do!

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted.

You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry.

Loud and clear, Annie.

Help! Help! Aah! Aah!

This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family.

All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick!

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space. Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space.

Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting.

No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump.

"Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, ...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass. Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J,

At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way -- Already lost interest. Get in the car. I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared,

l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then.

Gentlemen, gentlemen! One at a time! Simon?

Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. ..

Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.

from his march on Flirk Blirk Square to his ongoing battle with heroin dependency.

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off.

I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah! MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that.

S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land.

What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy! Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete,

Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. J, My empire of dirt J, J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J,

You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste,

Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.

Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what. Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something.

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick?

That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man! Oh! Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?

Who the fuck are you?

And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes. Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time. Yes.

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J,

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

Fuck no.

ljust want to die! We all want to die!

Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble.

Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com.

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little.

Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on?

Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that. Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose.

Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery.

Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole.

l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb...

So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick.

Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead!

Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee!

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?!

What's new at school?

ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome. My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? M-my drink is empty.

Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings!

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.

Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human,

No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours.

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You."

an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs?

We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails.

Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!! What the hell happened back there?! This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid.

J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god!

Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

I should call Bob Saget.

RICK:

We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later.

TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards.

Ugh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Ugh! Oh, Rick. That was so bad. What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species,

and let's get this dumb universe rolling.

l'm counting to three, Jerry. What the fuck is going on?

Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality!

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in,

I assume planet Squanch -- 6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh!

Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

I hope I can call on you and Rick again if I need you, Marty, Sure thing. And I -- I was kind of hoping that I could get a selfie with you? Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse, Understood. D-i-i-i-i-ie! Oh, no, no, no!

you might start enjoying yourself. Whoa! Look at you! You're wearing the hat and everything! Here's yours! Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice.

- Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb!

Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen.

not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes!

You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty,

Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax.

Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack? Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof. Eh, unless she has the flu.

Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky?

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue.

I'm busy.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!

Strike one.

lt's gratuitous at this point.

Oh, hey h-hey-y! Morty, Jessica, what's up? Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu...

Jan Michael Vincents are used up. I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent. Is it important that we know who Jan Michael Vincent was,,, - In order to get this? - Nope. I refuse to send the legislation that allows more than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct.

l'd hang out with Jerry all day. Affirmative! Returning to sender. No, hold on, stay, courier flaps. Staying! Dad, you have a friend... that's getting married. That's a big deal. It's a big deal he has a friend. What do you know about friendship, Jerry? Confirmed, shipping Jerry. - Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! - Oh, god! Jerry! Dad! Dad! Where is it taking him?

I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me.

Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

You know what? Screw it! I have a better gamble for you guys. I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you,

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend.

Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

BETH: So, Dad, guess what tomorrow is,

Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos.

This trip has been a "Titanic" failure. Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you.

Call me, Taddi Mason.

but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!

Not sure.

No, no, no. Blow me. Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll, Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien.

You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra,

J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

That would be illegal.

Uh, actually, you know what?

I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too. RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space.

Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez!

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty,

It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

Birdperson.

Holy --

you're no better than the men whose farts shall remain unspoken. And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute. Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft so they may head back to theirweird planet, where women are kind of equal but not really. Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls.

I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here.

No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified!

Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp-- I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

Okay. We're ready. Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na,

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Grandpa's back, baby!

and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished.

Marty? Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40. Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student.

I feel bad that they -- tht. Screw those guys. Ugh. I'll be right back. Don't waste your brain on those weirdos, Unity. They're no different from any ofthe aimless chumps that you occupy. They just put you at the center of their lives because you're powerful. And then because they put you there, they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right? ALL: Never. Never. Back in a flash.

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world!

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.

Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot.

You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this.

He's the best.

There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty?

Why am I so mediocre?

i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters.

Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke.

and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored...

I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay.

Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow.

What do you think of these things?

It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.

Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut? What the heck? There he is!

You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.

Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery. You're just a symptom of it,

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature because I think l have Jan Quadrant Vincent fever over here.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up,

We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me.

These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

Aah!

J, Cosmos without hatred J,

- Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time.

Totally gonna get laid tonight.

Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, "

Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body.

Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C! Um...wait --

I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

Can we start cleaning the house and see how we feel?

Titanic- themed getaway.

You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

There's no time to squanch!

You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty,

Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.

Yeah, Tammy! But then I think, you know, in a lot ofways, l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth. In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded.

You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy -- - They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?

They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else. Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay?

but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name.

that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable.

I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket. Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way.

which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins!

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! - Out. - Whatcha doin'? Well, I can't solve the problem my way, thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups. Gross. I might havejust touched one of Morty's loads. But maybe I can find suitable parents for Marty Jr, on this robot's home world, which is...

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car. On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go.

You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it? I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart. I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.

Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it, God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure.

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here?

Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer? This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy.

Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.

Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?!

Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!

Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist?

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that,

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah.

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.

Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty,

Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?!

Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!

If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu...

I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...

Here's my computer.

...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass. Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J, J, lt's schwifty time today J, Hmm.

and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread.

Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,

Rick!

J, I hurt myselftoday J, f woman speaking gibberish ]

You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing?

What is my purpose?

lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay.

You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry.

I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!

l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah.

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean.

You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick.

Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller." Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it, Wow !

- Rick! - Pants!

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em.

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay.

J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right!

I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank. What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes.

- Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?

This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard!

Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you? Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad.

What is going on? Aah!

If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture. Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs,

It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty,

I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick! Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler.

You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time!

Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes...

Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die? Don't worry. Dr. Glip Glop is the best in the galaxy. Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Aah! What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy.

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic.

Uh-oh.

Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families.

But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen.

- Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything. Yeah. But I feel like one ofthe 64 Ricks, like, sacrificed himself for me? - Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty,

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer.

I don't have any! Spoken like a person with repressed rage. I take no part in the festival. lfyou desire to kill me, I only ask you do it quickly. No such agenda, chief. We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir. We were just hoping to get on the roof of your lighthouse so we can send a beacon to my sister on Earth.

What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it.

Calm down.

and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry.

All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses.

Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn.

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three.

Ugh! Arrgghh! Ah! Uhhhhh! Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal? Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect!

He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb.

Look, maybe the shrink was right.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome.

Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

This fall, sparks Will fly...

and you could save four billion lives. Yeah, you know, the thing is my Dad's reallyinsecure. Hmm. Funny. Mr. Needful, out of everything in the store, you'll never guess what we couldn't get rid of.

You little piece of shit.

My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick.

No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy! Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad,

Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it, and how do we spend the rest of it? What are we going to be when we die -- A list of fears and questions or a collection of real experiences? Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing.

Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home.

The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them!

Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor.

Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus.

This here is my grandson, Marty,

To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be.

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird. I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going. Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due?

I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

You were so small and cute. I thought you were gonna fly right off into the street. I used to pee my pants. I know, and now look at you! You have a job. You're making really good money. You're not paying any rent, so you have plenty of disposable income. Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up,

I got something for your ass.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are. lfwe would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because y-- because you're so in love with school. All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under--

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on.

but if Marty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, you know, kind of your problem, too. Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. What? Why not? Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice? My story begins at the dawn oftime in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium.

Man, look at them go. So coordinated. What's your problem?

Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here.

Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin!

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent,

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on?

Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV,

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing.

Rick!

The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

Buh-bye. WhOops. I'm sorry, Mr. Needful. l'll clean that up, I don't know what I can do about the ghost lady that came out of it, but -- It's fine. Summer, you know, your grandfather's right. This store curses people. That's my business. Well, yeah. Fast-food gives people diabetes,

Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't!

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood!

'cause you need to cut me some slack...s.

We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah! Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now,

There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp.

Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick.

I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get --

What the fuck is going on?

you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already.

J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else?

Look at that thing right there. W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this? You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty?

Grandpa, go home and drink.

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer.

Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

lfyou love him, you should leave. And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

Aah!

Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks.

SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad! MORTY: Drive carefully! Have fun, you two. Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please.

but this is real science. A man and his boy, making planets. Hey, how about we use a ping-pong ball for Pluto? And then Jupiter -- Uh, actually, I don't think Pluto's a planet. Of course Pluto's a planet, son, I learned that in the third grade. Well, yeah, but you know they changed it. Marty, nobody changed the planets.

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

What a life.

You're saying I should leave Jerry. I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation. More wine? I think I've had enough.

Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive?

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines --

Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.

Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you.

Problem solved.

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity?

What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland. Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here.

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field.

Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this?

Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited. The Pluto-bel prize is the highest honor a scientist can receive. I'm flattered and humbled.

Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion,

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread.

Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

J, Everyone I know J, J, Goes away in the end J, J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J,

This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer!

We are not...them. Assemble the troops. I've made a decision. Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak,

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.

I'm late to class, bitch!

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class?

Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?

- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.

- What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J,

What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick!

i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that,

Yes. Holy crap!

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English?

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"?

There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing?

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

Hey, Rick. You know, this whole time, I haven't once heard you say that "wubba Iubba dub dub" thing that you usually say. Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move!

All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

I got you pregnant.

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me.

I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty,

Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick?

Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done.

Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder.

You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over.

It's a good-a show!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing.

You don't know me!

Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing.

Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man!

You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario --

Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high!

Where did he get a gun? Who gave him a gun? That's not a gun. That's the XP-20 XS, Ah! Oh, my god, I'm a good person.

Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on!

Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?

That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.

Martin Luther King Jr/s birthday. No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks.

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

I think we all see what you both mean.

I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people!

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?

It's the middle of the night.

J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah!

J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy!

that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.

the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

l’m running real quick,

I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead.

l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it.

J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles?

Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you?

Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

I like what you got! Good job!

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa."

- Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Do you like this?

l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?

It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!

And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

My name is... Alexand--

Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh.

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family.

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

That came out wrong, That came out very wrong, Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me. We're playing Yahtzee. Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. It's a fun game for fun families. Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second?

Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th-- but that's not how it went down! Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.

See you at the Olympics,

Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now.

We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three. See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?!

Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh.

J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,

I can send the beacon, and your sister can launch our package. Just remember, ifthere's people in there and they try to purge us, we got to purge them first. We're not purging anyone, Rick, all right? W-Will you stop it? Marty, if we're gonna survive tonight, you're gonna need to harness your repressed rage. I don't have any! Spoken like a person with repressed rage.

Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right?

Marty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?

it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about. Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family.

It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence! Your slave is ill-mannered.

SUMMER: Is it God?

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Jessica.

It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA.

Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard!

Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect. Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? Yes, we discovered a species oftiny pig off the coast of New Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west. We'd offer you some,

My slave?

Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death!

Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth.

We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this!

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away. Hello, Summer. Hello, Marty, It's okay. You're safe now.

they -- they look like your friends, your family, your leaders, but they're not themselves anymore. They're part of...it. Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty!

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker!

Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick.

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre? Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back.

The configuration of veins,

Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on?

- What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit.

No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Yeah. Totally. Let's go.

Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.

Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why --

l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty?

- Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself.

Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty, And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry,

We should resume sinking shortly.

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

giant feet,

Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What?

Hey, brah! I don't understand. Are you enjoying this? Do you like this? Yeah, you know it, dawg! Whoo, baby! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out. You know what? I'm taking this.

Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there?

I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us,

What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad!

Why -- Why would I do that? You do that?

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay?

Yes, Marty,

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.

Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run...

I hate being a teenager!

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies,

It's over the horizon in the driveway. J, I hurt myselftoday J,

Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.

Are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun?

J, I love Marty J,

Run, Marty!

Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty.

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes.

One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here.

Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got!

Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

Sally, the plate, please.

Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage.

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie.

Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,

Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?

My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.

Eh, unless she has the flu. Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?

I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain the full gravity of the situation. Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her lover intact? Well, I don't thinkthat's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones.

Wow, What do you know? Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg.

Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ. Beta Seven, if my allies are a problem for you, perhaps our alliance is, as well. Our alliance is beneficial. When Beta Seven expresses concern, it -- it's only be-because -- RICK: Oh, snap! Powdered neutronium? Amphetetron?

E, Coli outbreak. Hurry!

You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick!

"gubba nub nub doo rah kah."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!

I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

W O M A N ', Ongoing investigations. Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9.

Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm...

Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback!

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you!

I'm trying to find our weed whacker, 'cause our weeds are wack, yo.

I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it.

But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out.

is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move!

Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.

Birdperson!! No!!

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did.

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What? For real? TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled.

Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"!

Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me. Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll,

J, What have I become J, J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J,

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead.

"Cape Fear"! "Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear." SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez. That's odd. This deer's wounded. Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun.

What in the hell? Sex sells, Marty, Sex sells what?

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you.

You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something?

Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here --

To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years.

Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place. Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space.

Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry! What the hell are you doing here?! What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing.

Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

"Get Schwifty" was a jam.

All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what?

Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

That was oxygen.

I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one.

- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.

You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica.

Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing?

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay?

Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I?

JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card. She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,,

Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army.

Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid!

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Too fast. SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass.

Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day.

He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do?

Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.

Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve,

Great. Hey, you know what, Marty?

Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet.

Get down. Hurry. Run. And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it. With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice. What in the hell?

You will walk when it is time to walk.

and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,

Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why? Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?!

Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up,

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob.

Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Call as up and order some fake doors today.

Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone!

I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap?

Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris!

Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park.

Babylegs, you’re a good detective. But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs. Hey, there. Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill

I'm not.

Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck! GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise --

Oh! Rick! Marty!

Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait.

Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage! Do you mean this? Summer for for the win.

You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties!

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,

All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising.

"Uh, Tammy, you're a high-School senior from the planet Earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!"

FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away.

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?

Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.

Stop interrupting! The knives will --

I ask you to do one thing!

I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Oh shit. Oh shit.

All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com.

uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed!

l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other.

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards!

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something.

She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty,

Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison...

W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity.

Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat.

It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you. So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge? l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool.

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

That's a huge step in the right direction.

That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate. Well, we want to make it work, if we can, It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,

A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty!

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything,

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah!

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying,

But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?

We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter?

Hi. I'm Morty's math teacher.

J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples.

Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

Rick!

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?

I am here if you need to talk. I am here if you need to talk. From here, we dispense mechanical surrogates to maintain our population. Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most.

She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty.

You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl!

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS!

See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah.

Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all.

Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.

J, Everybody seems so far away from me J, J, Everybody just wants to be free J,

l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other.

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching.

Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them?

I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty, You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop, You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick. What do you know, Marty? What do you know?

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee!

Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun,

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move.

Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet! I'm an idiot, and I love my son. It was a long six hours, but we've overhauled "Needful Things" into the globally-compliant web 4.0 "E-nomenon," n33dful.Com,

Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are.

ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

...give you anything!

I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. Um...

SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves. We killed a vampire anda gym teacher. Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick?

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth,

l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap!

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud.

And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.

lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty,

Leaving a partial length of severed urethra - To be threaded through -- Oh, you know what, I gotta -- I gotta laugh at myself here. I'm having a little laugh at myself because I just realized I haven't run this whole decision past my wife. Oh, Do you think she'll be okay with this? Oh, absolutely. Beth's automatically on board always with every decision I make.

...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah!

Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Uh-oh.

- don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

Nice.

Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,

Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?

Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun.

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke!

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine.

Breaking news-- Shrimply Pibbles is being held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith. Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know.

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!

Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me! l-l never intended to harm you, I swear. I am trying to end the festival. W-W-What do you mean? l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival. Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her!

D-i-i-i-i-ie!

Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch."

Not on my watch.

Suit yourself.

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things.

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.

Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though,

RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot.

I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh?

This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera.

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.

Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty!

Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad! Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car!

Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort?

Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three.

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

Shall we, master Morty? We shall.

i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame.

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole.

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality!

Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you? Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it.

And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole!

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming,

- SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?

Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick.

Okay, then. That was always allowed.

J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye.

Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!

The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god,

You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.

Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, man. I cannot wait -- I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone. Jerry, stop, please, okay?

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover, Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her?

Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me!

Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp.

Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing?

No, I'm Mr. Crowbar,

Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick.

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character,

Okay, listen carefully.

There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.

It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!

No! No! Ow!

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants!

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.

Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that. Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose. Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs?

www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years.

That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

You know what to do. f beep ]

let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty,

Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

- Got it? - Got it,

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption. Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy?

She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J,

Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds.

i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff,

by implying /'m competitive? lfthe shoe fits. My shoe fits up your ass. You wish! RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday! JERRY: Oh! Jerk. Don't insult my father. He's the reason our kids are only half-stupid. Ha! You just called yourself -- Oh, - Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four.

Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life.

Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die?

lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance!

Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out.

Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No!

Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,

Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone. No, no, no, no. Rotary. And pay phone on half.

So, what are you -- like, the devil?

R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse.

T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

Alexand--

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party?

We got a plumbus.

Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep.

Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry.

Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life.

Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

- Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither.

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet?

Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough.

- Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk.

Well, I thought I'd walk to the South Pole and do a little bit of exploring. Ifyou guys need me, just yell or throw something so hard that it goes around the world and hits me. Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world, Please, he's in the South Pole! And we need to have a serious conversation.

and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --

Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad. You're a genius at that. Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son.

which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains...

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip?

I got pregnant at 17. I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't... I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth.

Oh, oh, oh, really?

Hey, Tiny Rick's playing guitar. All right, everybody. This next one's coming straight from the heart. Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head. J, Let me out J, J, What you see is not the same person as me J, J, My life's a lie J,

What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage. JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah!

Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal!

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that?

You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that!

Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty, That's how we're gonna scam these idiots, So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick,

You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him.

Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it,

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J,

Ooh, family vacation!

JESSICA: Marty!

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad.

Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson! J, Girl, you got it going on J,

minute to talk? Yes.

Let's get it overwith.

Dad, I'm so confused!

FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army,

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

What are you looking at, motherfucker?

They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J, Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show,

Kalo kada sha la,

Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty.

We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man.

I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't.

J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him?

It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind.

i feel love in my heart, too, fast like you. i wanna be able to express that love with both a man and a woman. And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.

l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right?

I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer,

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.

Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target. Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax.

Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV, and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being,

on fake do-o-o-o-rsi Hey, wait a minute, Rick. I thought this was a commercial. What's going on? Relax, Marty, Don't -- don't worry about it, Let's just see where this goes.

Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty!

Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.

FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle,

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator.

Ow! I'm defeated.

He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah!

You don't know me.

Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding.

See you next week, everybody.

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

Aah! Unh! Class dismissed. Geez.

I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick.

just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser.

Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school.

Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

J, Hear my faith J, J, Seal my fate J, J, And when you breathe J,

Hey! Don't! Please! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god! Now, I know I've said, in the past, that math is important -- And it is! -- But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty, who I hear had a great party last night.

but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed. Forget about the park, doctor!

what do you think? You're fired. Wha--

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.

So, how much did we make? "We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you!

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!

Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind. I love you.

Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon.

Oh, Jacob.

MORTY: What the hell?

You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"?

This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,

Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week. Unity, could you get Rick out here, please? He's unavailable. He's... having sex with you. We get it. Grass,

Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me! Just try to relax. You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!

- Master. - Speak. Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name?

but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right?

It is un-unsinkable. Ooh!

See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on.

I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts.

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards. COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137,

Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.

Advertising? Wow!

J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers -- Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little.

Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!

Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic.

I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?

It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself.

Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math.

Hold on.

undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome. My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive?

Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.

How do you -- what is this? Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.

Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up!

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts,

Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job.

It's hard for people to grasp,

Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared?

i 'm sure i ii fast unity species after species and ne ver really be complete, FEMALE PRESIDENT: But I know how It goes with us. iiose who iam and become part ofyou. Because in a strange way, you’re better at what i do without even trying Yours, and nobody eise 's, Unity.

Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on.

Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.

SUMMER:

Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

H-hello? Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from...

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,

We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts.

Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty,

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other.

Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance.

Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?

1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you --

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty, in a world where muscular Mannies are coming,

Just follow my lead.

We understand genocide. We do it sometimes.

lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Get back! Wait, for real? You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around!

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy,

Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance!

Hey, uh, come here. l-l want to show you something. Okay, look, everybody makes fun of me for getting these, but you're a genius scientist. What do youthink? See? There's little R2-D2s where the George Washingtons should be. You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value.

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff

Good. Okay. Great.

I don't get it.

He's saying "I love Obama."

J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the...

Opium addict.

Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling.

Infinite timelines.

Up next, the heat is turning up with Samantha and the Boys on "The Northsiders. "

Hey, what's up, Squanchy? Hey, Squanchy. Marty, Summer! And you must be Beth. Mwah! Ensquanche! Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, like the Smurfthing? Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Oh, Okay.

but it's my two cents on the issue.

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.

They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun!

Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know,

'cause our weeds are wack, yo. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here. l "c an't"? Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean? Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect.

J, Just shake that ass... J,

In reality, you're as dumb as they come.

Diseases? Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me.

Fuck Earth.

And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty? Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with?

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone.

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me!

- Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell!

- Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue.

Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing.

Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes.

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell?

I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun.

You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.

They changed it in 2006,

We're sorry for our increased levels of emissions and our racism and, of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone.

Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine!

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!"

She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

and...

Oh shit.

You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry.

He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis!

So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...?

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick,

who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool!

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work,

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us.

So cute!

Nooooo!

l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?

and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them.

Losing him. Stabilized. Okay, I only ask, Jerry, because, as you know, my job involves performing heart surgery. Well, yeah, on horses. Excuse me? Okay. Let's not rehash t/ratfight, I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. Whoa! What is this on the floor?

We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring.

- Good luck. - Thanks.

Rick!

You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J,

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

Wha?

Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black. Title -- 'three weeks earlier."' You really don't want to talk to me about this.

Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"?

l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick.

Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth.

Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J, Here's the deal. I'm not here to judge. I'm just a guy from another planet. But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you.

The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

As we can all see, this is hardly the real Garrrh and Zharbidar. Which is good, because the relationship in their heads is not only ugly, it's unsustainable. You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different,

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Drop the portal gun.

Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

I remember the conversation. We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours?

I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed.

Aah!

The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister! Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already!

Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again.

Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine.

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh?

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello?

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game.

What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch!

J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails.

Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

What do you say we go home? I'd like that. Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126? Uh, I'm not sure. Marty, Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket. - What?! - Way to go, Marty, Eh, whatever. - Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks!

Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster! - I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying.

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here?

- My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite,

Bird dick.

And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter? Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention. To a conversation about vampires?! Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires, because I wasn't paying attention, which you would know,

so be nice. Unity,

I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha!

Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.

You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad! Uh, hold the phone. Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle.

They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts? Oh, hey, Morty. You just missed a preview for your Dad's "Citizen Kane." Doesn't matter. Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys chose? Doesn't matter.

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!

Huh? What? Wait? What? Stop.

Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before.

Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern. And listen. Yes?

Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick.

He's getting married!

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you.

MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich.

You're missing my symphony.

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?

Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait.

I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

J, Space, space, space, space J,

and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm.

And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What?

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

I'm no different than that jacket you've got on! Y-Y-Y-- o-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! l-l-l'm just an object! Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Marty, Now, for the love of god, be quiet. The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy. You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty,

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me. Bring up the holograms.

in other opposite news, information. . . Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side ofthe screen like that? I don't know, Marty, See what else is on, huh? Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. " i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.

You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due?

I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here?

Look at this -- you beat cancer,

l-l-l understand.

Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg. Just kind of hard to believe, you know?

Yeah, guess I'm out of fluid. L-Let me find a place to stop. Hey, muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet, or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why?

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat. No! No!

iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch!

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!

- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?!

It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly.

I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?

Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy.

keep this marriage going a while longer? At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way -- Already lost interest. Get in the car. I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other.

Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.!

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick? H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth!

Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house.

I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars. I mean, wouldn't the cars always win?

My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating?

Fair enough. Thank you, kind sir. Our village is saved! You are both true heroes! Oh! Good job, Morty. Looks like you won the bet.

Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy.

WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears!

and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,

Can't afford to chance it.

I just got bored. Everybody out.

Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty,

You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

- Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time.

You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer?

Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps. All right, okay, y-you know, ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know? Look down there. Looks like some kind of tavern or something built right into the side ofthe step.

Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty --

I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything.

Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth?

"Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.

A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."

Keep your eye on Annie.

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no!

Hey, i 'm Stealy, Follow me on my adventure through this office. All right, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things.

J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look!

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons,

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?

This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics.

No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!

Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song!

100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com.

My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative.

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time!

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty,

Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding. But that's the opposite of what-- Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent!

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich.

Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive!

Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't.

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough.

I just want to find somebody nice and sweet.

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

[just learned a real valuable lesson. l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief.

Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!

That's the best sex I've ever had in my life.

What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely --

J, But we make sure they see the sun J, J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch,

Never go in my room again.

Come on.

H-hello? Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it.

Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer.

Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you.

"Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho!

If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom?

Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days.

Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought. MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty? Oh, man, what's going on?

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly. In the meantime, please, stay on the ship and enjoy a complimentary plate of James Cameronion rings. Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken.

- Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha?

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!

No! No! Ow!

I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.

They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game.

Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna."

- Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day. You just might. W-what do you mean? These are the Jerrys whose Ricks and Mortys never came back. They live here now. Uh,

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this!

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime. Get it? You know, 'cause it's frozen.

This is gonna be fun. Hey, Marty, let me -- let me -- let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius." Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.

So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone.

SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!!

"Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty,

Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate.

The plucky little ball of water and d/rt, which is where it gets its name, is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos. Spaghetti, kangaroos? l’ve gotta check this place out. Well, you can. Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick!

These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know?

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship.

Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.

I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

Oh, Rick, I -- I shouldn't. Come on. It's not every day that I'm town. It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet?

It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty.

Summer!

Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something.

I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat.

Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me.

J, Everybody seems so far away from me J,

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow!

Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

Okay, thanks for clarifying.

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.

Alexand--

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve. Yawn.

Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty,

so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never!

it’s a 45-horsepower with antiiock brakes, and " the official car of "Mr, Sneezy 3D. " it’s the brand-new Sneezy XL. The horn, when you honk it, makes a sneeze noise. it’s polite, " right,

Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move.

Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...

These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

what have you done for me lately?

Whoa! Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch.

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond."

I'm taking the wheel.

I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited.

Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose?

LINCOLER: Please, stop!

L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

Rick! Yeah, yeah. Hey, have a good festival, old timer. I intend to. Rick, unlock it! Just a second, Marty, Oh, look at that sunset. Stop screwing around. There we go. Much better. Now we can see. Great.

GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you,

I haven't learned a thing! Here.

W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

What's that? Who's that baby?

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love --

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that?

J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

l was your only friend, and I get nothing? Okay. I'll give you one thing. Name it. I want to help you. Clever twist. I learned from the best, you old fart. Now, let's go get you hydrated. Looks like we've got... haunted boxing gloves that wril make you the heavyweight champion in 1936,

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

Hey, you don't know me!

So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle?

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here?

Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy.

What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.

it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations.

l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy?

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is.

Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch!

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids.

The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads!

Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom?

I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it...

I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah!

Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed.

l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario -- we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work? Somebody dropped the dime on us. Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you got to look out for number one.

The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad!

Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

You're missing my symphony.

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch.

Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.

- I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.

Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted?

Take me to Marty, You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar.

JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired.

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out.

Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know. Do it! Do it! Remove my penis! Sir, put the gun down and step away from Mr. Pibbles! - Jerry! - Dad, what are you doing?! I'm a good person. I'm a good person.

Which is good, because the relationship in their heads is not only ugly, it's unsustainable. You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different, none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work.

All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty,

It's raining blood!

Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now, Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir.

Hey, Rick. I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out? Whatever. Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down.

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah!

Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around.

Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves, and then worry about all this later? Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick.

Scalpel. Scalpel. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Scalpel. - Nano-Scalpel.

It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all.

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school.

It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals. Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job! Seize them! Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer? This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man!

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh?

J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,

It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there.

After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Good bye. Yeah! We did it! Yes!

A whole world populated by intelligent dogs.

Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh? Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists.

W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty,

No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, l'd hang out with Jerry all day.

Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real.

Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either.

Now she's a marine biologist. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice.

Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can --

I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!

God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster! - I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying. - Summer! - Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there! Why do you hate me, Summer? I'm not talking to you.

Good bye.

Hey, Marty, let me -- let me -- let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

Hey, Summer, haven't seen you at flute practice in a while.

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be?

So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuffthem down and -- Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting. Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go.

Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children!

Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez!

Dad, there he is! Oh, god, Hey, stop that! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad! Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad.

No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else.

Quite an operation you got going here, Une. You're a whole planet now, huh? After we broke up, I spent some time wandering through space. Then I found this world... ...where l was better able to focus on my passion for unification. You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up,

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!

Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick.

That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby.

Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school.

Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue. Really? You're looking real good. Oh, my god. - Hey, Marty, - Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica. So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...? No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school. Cool.

J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty,

But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha?

We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l,

Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here.

Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension.

I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand.

And the final ingredient...

You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty?

You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is. Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break Mom's heart. And I won't forgive you for that.

And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes. And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios, lthink. lcan’t-- l’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock because i can 't see anything. Our prices, lhope, aren 't too low Check out this refrigerator, only $200.

Whoo, baby! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do.

Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you?

relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting. MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say --

Ow!

Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

No! No! Ow!

It's never pretty. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other. As we can all see, this is hardly the real Garrrh and Zharbidar.

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded!

What the -- aah! Aah!

My -- my -- my -- my man!

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick.

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh?

Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about.

You're crying? Over a Marty?

Hey, Marty, could you lick my-,

In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you,

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed!

I care now. You made me care more.

You got that right. But, baby, listen -- Y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to -- got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know? I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay.

And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

Marty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here? I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked.

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m--

MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school.

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry. W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.

Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser. Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being.

Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.

I got this.

Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes.

Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot!

No, "Telepathy."

than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad!

I can't leave now. Everyone hates me. Unfortunately, there's no surgical procedure that can fix that.

J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale!

Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]

and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women?

Ohhhhh!

Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character. Please don't. Oh, Well, when did this stop being Jamba Juice? I've just recently opened for business,

You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there.

- We're tourists. - Not anymore.

I remember it differently.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it, and how do we spend the rest of it? What are we going to be when we die -- A list of fears and questions or a collection of real experiences?

And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.

Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse?

My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!

Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous! I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds,

Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week. Unity, could you get Rick out here, please? He's unavailable. He's...

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work? Somebody dropped the dime on us. Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say,

Shhh.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,

Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite!

Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.

Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.

because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

Okay, it was about 754 years ago-, Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed!

All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you? Ohh! He's asking if Tiny Rick will be here. Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night?

Stay. What do you want?

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics.

Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer? Droppin' loads. ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo!

That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?

Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks,

Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music,"

That's planning for failure, Marty, Even dumber than regular planning. Balls.

This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply.

- Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick!

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence.

I am not staring at you. I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. This is a candid shot. I don't require a camera so -- Sorry. Hi. I am not staring at you-,

Wubba lubba dub dubs!

First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified.

Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly?

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man!

Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy -- - They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir. There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians, all the famous ones... they're gone. Dear god. Hold on, sir. Just a minute. lce-T survived. He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours.

Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god!

Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?

I just got expelled, Summer! Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young. My top! Screw your top! You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school!

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs,

Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this!

The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies,

Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg!

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain!

This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three.

Yeah. Uh-oh. Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.

You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun,

Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir? - Holy hell. - Sir! Hold your fire! What's going on?

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?

J, And everything is one in the beauty J, J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah! Marty, why? Why?

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty!

but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh?

Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas?

I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys. I'm leaving.

But sometimes, plans need a helping paw,

Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

See? There's little R2-D2s where the George Washingtons should be. You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters.

Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role, Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist.

I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, Iike...an Appley or something. Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns? Yes. Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap!

A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry?

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?

but I live in it, Shit!

Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben.

Sex is sacred!

Yes, look through my eyeholes.

Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work,

Unbelievable.

Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Let me show you how it works.

No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge. Here we go. Holy crap! Come on, Morty.

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals.

It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud. Oh, man, Rick! W-w-w-where we running ta? Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it,

Good luck.

Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school.

f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure.

...not a planet.

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Hooray Principal Vagina!

I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not.

Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.

'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this.

And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.

Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me,

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la."

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?

That's what I think of your crystals, Rick! Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks!

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay.

Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand.

Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.

Beth, listen to me. You're going to get outta here. You're gonna go on, and -- Jerry, just leave the door.

Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.

I love watching bukkake.

so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad.

My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me! Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem.

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say. It's not like I could've actually done it, lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it, but I -- I think we have tojust... It's okay. This is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do?

Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department.

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick! Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has.

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty,

I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty?

It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone?

It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah! The nipple hole.

So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run."

RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great.

two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Gar Ma Nar Nar, three, um, um, um... i ll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year,

Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot!

but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there, but I know us, and you're real, Jerry. Remember our vacation?

Rick, keep a level head, okay?

and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.

Too many.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned,

Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue. Really? You're looking real good. Oh, my god. - Hey, Marty, - Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica. So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...? No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school.

Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh ! That's beautiful. You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great!

Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um -- you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know? Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?

You pay with the curses, right?

Then I better crunch the numbers.

Aah! Unh!

Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake.

Get them! Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen,

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?

God, I feel terrible. Yep, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the Universe can be. One minute you're falling off a roof for six months,

Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could --

Take him to Pluto-namo Bay. You can't kill the truth, father. What? I can see you're confused. Pluto-namo Bay is a military prison -- a sort of play on wards, Did he call you "father"? Scrcocopy Noopers, the anti-planet nut job, is your son?

Well, ifthe old adage is true,

Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?!

J, I'm just gone J, J, How could I say goodbye? J,

Zing! That guy got it.

l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here.

Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy,

Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from?

Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school. Owl, Oof! Ugh!

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

Time to go home. Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me! l-l never intended to harm you, I swear. I am trying to end the festival. W-W-What do you mean?

Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Don't break an arm jerking yourself off.

Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty?

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.

Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th, Deal. All right.

Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show.

She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

We'll be right back after these messages.

Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.

Scalpel. Scalpel. Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one ofthree meals that have existed for millennia.

Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?

I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it,

You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse!

Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died,

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now.

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant!

Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens. Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby. How's business? Here's the last of our inventory. We're going to file chapter ll and do some restructuring. Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit,

I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming.

You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax. Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?

Yes. Yeah!

Owl, Oof! Ugh!

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty!

Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first. I'm proud of you, Marty,

You're doing great, Marty, Really? You think? I mean, I'm not doing much of anything. What do I do if it cries? Then you put it down and let it cry itself out. Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer, and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it.

I spent some time wandering through space. Then I found this world... ...where l was better able to focus on my passion for unification. You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet.

Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god. Where did you learn to talk, you grandpa-stealing slut?

Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!

We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow!

Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!

We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community. May my chores complete me as I complete them.

Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

What the fuck is going on?

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.

The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country,

I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here.

And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god,

Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it!

Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family. And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick.

Are you kidding me?!

Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps. All right, okay, y-you know, ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know? Look down there.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a --

Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me.

Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come.

You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky?

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?

Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame. My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis. Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here? Okay, Jerry. Let's head home. I can't leave now. Everyone hates me.

Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting. RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air.

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.

A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad?

For real?

Hmm. Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it!

What?! Pants!

FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right. I think I'm certain we're effed in the "A."

Here 's my fingerprints.

I done been notifying you.

He recognizes the other dogs on TV,

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me?

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

Aaaah!

You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it? I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart.

Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous!

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this.

Oh, way to go, Rick.

like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J, J, It doesn't match your face J, J, Get them away, away from this place J,

Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline. All right, Rick, look -- how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me?

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death.

It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

No idea what you're talking about.

Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know?

Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?

J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning.

Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?

Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Isn't that what adventures do?

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were.

- What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!

Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

Y-- of course I am --

It's time for the quiz.

I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go! Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick.

iiove him more than you do, Harold!

ALL: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oof! Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers.

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible!

Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick.

I want the police to take me!

Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah!

What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty,

Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what?

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

- No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!

Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,

I'm a genius.

J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.

Hi, Frank. Aah!

Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh!

You know, you were right about the Universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place. Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know. This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Marty style.

What the hell was that?

"Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes. Oh, my Gad,

Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane!

Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?

- We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is. Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50? Where am l? Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?!

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack? That's Bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho?

ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking. Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally -- we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new --

Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed! So, what do you think? You wanna... keep this marriage going a while longer? At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two?

Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad. Let's find a control room or something.

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures? No. I'd say, given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity.

When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine.

Did that not even happen?

fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue.

Where did he get a gun? Who gave him a gun?

Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

Starting right about now, Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Marty,

J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome!

Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense! Or maybe there's only one deceiver here -- The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other. Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick,

Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one?

I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it!

Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast. [ trifling f All right, l’m not gonna get him. [just learned a real valuable lesson. l’m coming, Babylegs,

Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you, but there is still time. I am yours until my death. ALL: Aww! Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson!

Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance? Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time? Tiny Rick, this conversation is gonna break my heart wide open.

You miss your Fart friend, huh?

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty, - It would go without saying, huh? - Yeah, it would. Did you hear me say it? Nah. The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown.

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this?

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die!

Ooh, yeah! Can do!

Why am I always your go-to?

All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '

This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere,

What are you doing with that, Poncho? Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea,

I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus. Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think.

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day.

Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me?

There's one every season.

Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple!

Oh, he -- he's looking a lot better. RICK: Listen, Beth, don't torture yourself. I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale. ls, um, is he mad at me? He's not pressing charges. I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad.

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now?

Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

They took my portal gun.

That was just a baby. And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!

Where are my testicles, Summer?

RICK: Unity! Unity! Unity!

I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn. Finally. I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline. I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born. That came out wrong, That came out very wrong, Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me.

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great.

Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Yeah, yeah. I got it.

Marty, crack the window.

Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters.

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.

Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom!

Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster.

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime. Get it? You know, 'cause it's frozen. This has been so much fun.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected.

Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'.

It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage! Do you mean this? Summer for for the win. All right, that should do it, Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself. Whoa! Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time. Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long?

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right.

Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator.

J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go--

I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels.

Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me?

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina.

the movie tickets in the other, he's like, "I'm ready!"

We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math.

Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery.

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad!

but it's certainly not what he died for.

There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers?

Ooh-Whee!

I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page.

Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa. I love you, too, Terry. Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.

- What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines?

- Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty, The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad! Uh, hold the phone. Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks?

What do you think of these things?

I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job.

J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.

Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela? Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways,

Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh...

and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

relatively speaking.

This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.

We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors. Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah!

Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal.

Wait. What?

All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously. Uh-oh, Marty, Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss? Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty,

Oh, my God!

RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him.

Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

SUMMER:

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?!

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Oh, Okay, good. This is gonna be fun.

It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay,

His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little?

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.

There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually. undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak.

It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman. J, Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo J,

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing!

That guy got it.

Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop,

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?!

Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat?

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick,

I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me!

When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson. Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six. Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!

l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick! Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic!

and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you. Jerry, it's your house -- whatever you say it is is how it is -- but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door.

Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.

Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm...

What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.

Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick.

Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside,

Happy human holiday, Dad.

Go change.

Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!

and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die?

Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, like the Smurfthing? Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Oh, Okay. l squanch my family. Uh... What? I do.

J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns!

Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.

- You all right? - Uh-Huh!

they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch!

It's raining blood!

I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,

l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick? H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth!

Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing.

Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more. J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

MAN: My man!

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

"Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged."

What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison...

Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay.

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick -- almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J,

Because the two of you are the fucking worst!

I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Marty,

You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense!

I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller."

W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh!

I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is,

WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell?

Compliments of the Galactic Federation. I feel better.

How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two."

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome!

Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.

Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects.

Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?

That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white,

It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this?

Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty."

Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing.

Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not.

Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na,

but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up,

I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah!

SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what?

This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.

Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Oh, man, Rick!

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry.

l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly.

Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th,

Marty, that's such a poor use of my time. lt's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver. l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty,

My man!

Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

What? This isn't healthy, Rick. You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know? You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity?

with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

No! Not twigs!

Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt --

You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy -- - They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir. There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians,

It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty,

Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?

All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean?

Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government,

Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Aah! Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us.

This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?

Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing?

Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do!

Motherfucker!

Excuse me. Come on. Please, everyone, I have news about Shrimply Pibbles. Word of Jerry Smith trying to weasel out of his penis donation has spread across the galaxy. Beings everywhere have come together to offerwhat little they have to help save Shrimply's life.

BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up!

You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer.

I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.

mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..?

That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense.

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick!

If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina,

l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not.

Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant.

RICK: He doesn't care.

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!

J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?!

Marty, Birdperson? You appear to be dying. I will make efforts to prevent this but can promise nothing.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time.

Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this.

It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life. GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret.

Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air.

Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay?

Grassss tastes bad-ah.

How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it!

We're so screwed! Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed.

You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

What are we doing? I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay.

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday!

Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."

Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math,

Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school.

And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night.

Hey, Marty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger? How do you feel about all these people that are getting killed today because of your choices? I did the right thing, Rick! Tell that to Gearhead's gearsticles. You did that! Wrong! I'd be playing "Roy" right now. At a certain point, my hands are tied, Marty, I can't believe Rick did this.

Just hit a button, Marty! Give me a beat! Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

MAN: And there's the approach. Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis...

J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine!

No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.

Now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak-ass time again. How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah.

Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it,

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it.

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up. - Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people?

Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old.

and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

But then I think, you know, in a lot ofways, l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth.

Yeah, now, because the gym coach was a vampire, the school board is embarrassed and won't take it public. However, they can't have students killin' teachers. I gotta expel you for this one, TR. I'm sorry. I just got expelled, Summer! Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young. My top! Screw your top!

I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,

Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.

I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine."

Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. ..

Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship.

Birdperson's big day, Marty, was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon against the Gromflamites! This? This is a losing battle. Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married!

What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that,

i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale?

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver.

And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.

Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.

You know what I'm saying?

JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell?

Give us one second.

I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways.

Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

reportedly at large somewhere within the gear system. Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it.

It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty,

You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty,

Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance...

lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies,

J, Goodbye, moon men J, All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly.

J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered,

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it, ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead.

Here's where I am.

Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.

Rick? You're not leaving, right?

It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine. Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J,

lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply.

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick!

ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad!

Oh, Jesus! Dale!

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child!

Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means?

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy --

W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people! Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo! D-don't dodge the issue, Rick!

It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living.

on this robot's home world, which is... Gazcorpazcorp in the Andromeda system. Scoot, Summer. Don't you need a new companion now that Morty's in the family way? I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?

Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith. When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule!

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.

Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick. We'll have two Bloogies, please.

l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil.

Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.

What a life.

Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will...

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes.

We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine! Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles.

It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole.

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!

Diabolic son of a motherf-- We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto."

Droppin' loads. ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,

That's beautiful. You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man.

It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...

ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat... ...liven Ow! ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great.

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?

That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m--

Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree!

Hey, everybody.

Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!

It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people,

It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land. Too fast.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker!

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J,

Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben. This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria,

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

but less off-putting. Oh, shiiit! It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson. Must be time for his annual Oscar party. And, by the way, our TV signals take light years to reach his planet. Nobody tell him that "Braveheart" wins. [music plays f Greetings, This is Birdperson. And Tammy! Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh!

"We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]

"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,

And, by the way, our TV signals take light years to reach his planet. Nobody tell him that "Braveheart" wins. [music plays f Greetings, This is Birdperson. And Tammy! Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh! If you 're from Earth, that means we’re getting married! Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson! What the hell is a Birdperson?

You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

They're robots! Aah!

RICK: I'm almost there, Marty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around.

You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free. You're saying I should leave Jerry. I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun?

We're so screwed!

Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun!

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this!

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

MORTY: Oh! Oh! Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people.

Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come.

Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"?

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over. Whoa, Dad, you can't, like, endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away. Why not? I don't know. lt's Indian giving.

Well, isn't that convenient?

Neglect that deer. Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of of elk, moose, deer, and stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends.

Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league.

I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

- Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me? Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes.

Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes.

PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there,

l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her!

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is.

Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space. Eight, personal space. Nine, personal space. You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this --

More are coming.

You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie!

Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out.

Did you get any ofthat?

Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction! Geez, Morty. I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet. I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never!

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris!

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops,

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical.

l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth.

Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes.

undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives.

It's on the house. Oh, and, uh,

Well, son, what did youthink when you were five and you pooped your pants, and you threw your poopy undies out your bedroom window because you thought it was like throwing something in the garbage?

J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles!

But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm --

This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing?

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

Dumb Name.

I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch."

but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god!

All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,

This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow!

Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff.

They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind.

This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.

You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine.

Out of the simulation, Morty.

Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie!

no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

but hey, I'm walkin' here!

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Yeah, bra, Yeah.

Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe.

Don't do it,

I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J,

Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah! Grandpa Rick, where are we going?

Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad!

Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.

RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved.

You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty, for them to work. Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes.

"Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.

Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting!

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you.

First, they take the dinglebop,

- Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor.

Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday! Well, did you even consider how that might make me feel?! How you feel?!

Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?

I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought. MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty?

Marty!

Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty,

There we go. Much better. Now we can see. Great. Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst.

I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up,

Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet. We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it.

But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry.

Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky!

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,

RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born!

l'm King Flippy Nips, ruler of Pluto. We discovered you quite by accident during routine surveillance of your world, You really gave it to those guys at NASA l was -- you know, sometimes science is about conviction. lt'd like to introduce you to a few people that very much agree with you.

6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ]

Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

He's busy.

Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream,

I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.

Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum.

You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round? Science isn't always easy, Morty.

When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't!

I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else.

plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.

No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?!

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me. Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad.

But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space,

But now it's my turn. We're going to get it nice and steamy in there, and I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint, and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean. Beth! Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now.

Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars.

Aah! Unh!

To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years. Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J, Here's the deal. I'm not here to judge. I'm just a guy from another planet. But this girl is one of your poor people,

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly.

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this!

Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty,

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?

Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad.

Marty, Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J,

You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!

but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J,

school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.

You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes. Would you relax, Marty? There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why?

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way.

Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller." Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it, Wow ! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty, You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages.

W-w-w-where we running ta?

Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine.

ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out.

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut? Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day?

I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick!

J, This is not a dance J,

I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason?

Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death.

I'll see you at God's house!

H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?! PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising. You would?

Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty,

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me.

You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded!

You know, I think the bottom line is, Jerry,

I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it! HEADS: Hooray! Yeah.

T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. Man, this place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices?

Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school. Owl, Oof! Ugh! Damn it!

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second.

Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on,

i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside.

Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death!

What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going...

- Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide. Well, you can hide with us, Rick? - Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge?

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men!

I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank. What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us,

Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains... if you impose Gazorpazorp's laws on Earth, you're no better than the men whose farts shall remain unspoken. And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different, none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work.

ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky.

It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!

What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck.

Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one. Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad, and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing.

It's gonna be fine.

starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Gar Ma Nar Nar, three, um, um, um... i ll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all,

Crap, they need me at the horse hospital.

I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now.

Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged. This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera.

They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Thank you, Seattle.

Okay, well, which is it?

Birdperson.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him. Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know...

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital.

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god!

Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.

You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting.

we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship --

So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm -- I know everything about everything?

Don't move.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that!

Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty.

/'m the E yeho!e... Man.

What kind of Christmas is this?

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?

Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.

Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea.

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this? You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty?

Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind.

I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right.

Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out. You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship!

...seven...

Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback!

Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!

You little piece of shit.

I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean. Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this,

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke!

This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great.

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you!

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos.

E, Coli outbreak.

Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?!

I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water.

Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot!

Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!

Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me! l-l never intended to harm you, I swear. I am trying to end the festival. W-W-What do you mean? l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival.

tn the news today, this tooks a tot worse than it is. We ’re reallyjust having a good time. Karen F Thanks, Todd, Up next, are you a concerned grandchild or fast a buzzkill? We W te// you how you can know for sure. I think you two are a little outnumbered. Okay, well, what if you did it for me? What if you came with us as a favor to us because you love us?

Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now. Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race!

I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, Look at that thing right there. W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

You sons of bitches!

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites.

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio.

Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline.

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Well, herwaistline isn't. Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free. You're saying I should leave Jerry.

MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Scalpel. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Scalpel. - Nano-Scalpel. Okay. We're ready.

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room?

You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty,

Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol --

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers.

We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and l have here in my hand a motion to dismiss.

Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay.

Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here,

Yeah, uh, my name is Ron Benson. I'm an electrical engineer, father of two, and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings, I'm a member of this planet's top race! Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper.

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs.

You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big,

Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes!

I always could count on you.

Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?

I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa. I love you, too, Terry. Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.

Marty, why? Why? Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard?

Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind?

Boo! Not cool!

How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right! Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face like Wart from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee! How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there?

- You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!

And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry.

Class dismissed. Geez. - You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty?

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What?

REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake.

Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

You're fired. Wha--

Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist.

NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end. Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this?

My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so.

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick.

JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired. Wha-- But t-this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation. Well, then, it was a terrible simulation. Get out. Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?

Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes. Yeah!

- Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all.

Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going... to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl. Gee, thanks, Brad.

Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop.

Hello, Summer. Hello, Marty, It's okay. You're safe now. Unity? - Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing. Oh, Summer, you did nothing wrong.

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and l have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore Free-fi to Fo-home. W-what the hell is he talking about? They're free to go, is what I meant. l-l-l'm deconstructing our -- our -- our thing we say.

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me.

you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core.

You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know? You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff.

he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

"The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed.

We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!

Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan?

Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job!

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Hey, there, stranger.

Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Where'd you come from? My -- my -- my grandpa Rick sent me!

Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh?

No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe.

BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother.

A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream?

Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful.

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,

Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains.

Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi.

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,.,

We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet.

I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do?

Our village is saved! You are both true heroes! Oh! Good job, Morty. Looks like you won the bet. Thanks, Rick, but I don't know if I should. You know, you were right about the Universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place. Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know.

Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter?

J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,

Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond.

Never go in my room again. I didn't!

Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid!

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this?

So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right? Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice.

Absolutely! Good luck.

But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things,

It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy!

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!

That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones. Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my cahapes.

Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now?

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn!

- What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.

J, It's the, it's the J,

The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. 9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit!

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought --

You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you?

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh!

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,.,

Okay, this one's bigger. This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh?

Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life, you got to stop listening to yourself. Wow, You really are wise, Jerry. l-l-l guess that's why you work in advertising. The fact that you feel that way makes you the best Rick ofthem all.

Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

It's not a door, Beth. It's debris.

All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why? That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving.

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out. Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on!

Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery.

Okay, wait here. I want to come with. Don't come with. It's boring. lt's -- it's business stuff. What kind of business do you do in a garage? You know, this seems a little shady. Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty?

JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir? - Holy hell. - Sir!

an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me!

That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.

Whoa! Look at you!

I-I'm sorry, Jacob. I-I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and origin of your relationship with my parents. Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son. Now, wait. Th-there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared 40 years of each other, mind,

Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller." Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it, Wow ! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty,

I hate you so much right now.

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real.

You got to get those seeds out of your ass. Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. What? I'm an angry father, not an improvisor. Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers?

Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium.

I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck.

I'm gonna miss you, Snowball. You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.

Since when do you have a job? Since last week.

The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine. Help! There is no escape, my son.

Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown! I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly.

That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today.

You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone.

That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it! HEADS: Hooray! Yeah.

Where am I?! You're at a wedding. Go change. J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J, J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J, J, Fat beats and an alien smile J, J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J, J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J,

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

Oh, I... Plutonians. Jerry Smith is a scientist from Earth, where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet.

Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

Particle beam in a wristwatch,

science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that. Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!

Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was Kitt. Nobody rode Michael Knight.

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.

Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice. Unity, is it a bad time? Are all present life forms assimilated? Beta Seven, this is my single-minded friend from Earth, Rick. Rick Sanchez.

Yes, siree!

Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in,

I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide. Well, you can hide with us, Rick? - Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me?

- Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken.

Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline.

This is infinite TV from infinite universes.

You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?

Did you get any ofthat?

I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own,

All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick!

So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

Oh shit.

Pluto is... ...not a planet.

This? This is a losing battle. Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married! I mean, what do you think's gonna happen if you open yourself up a little bit? I mean, look around. This is your family and friends all around you, you know? Take the day off.

Yeah. All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway.

lt's Rick! Regular Rick! Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!

Hi, guys. I'm your new teacher for Scary class. My name is Scary Mr. Johnson. Uh, actually, you know what? That's my dad's name, so why don't you just call me Scary Glenn, yeah? So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on Fundamentals of Fear. Which is -- what is that?

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No,

Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven...

We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet,

No, you won't. The police are coming.

What the fuck is going on?

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

- I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too.

Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble.

We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.

I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah!

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high!

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it.

I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die!

The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you.

RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

you've just gone where ice cream is. Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break Mom's heart. And I won't forgive you for that. Where's the van, Marty? It's over the horizon in the driveway.

Don't be gross, Tammy.

Hey, I'm squanching in here!

I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

Oh, my Gad,

JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting. RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you.

They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Marty, Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty -- one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty,

to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it. Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black. Title -- 'three weeks earlier."'

you know, in exchange for food.

I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away.

Holy crap! God damn!

i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff,

This serum should counteract the negative effects.

This is Roger and Annie.

You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey!

Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm.

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles!

That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him?

That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch!

I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire!

Top, My top!

This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide?

Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons, like that show "Doomsday Preppers." Not really my style, Marty, Besides, your home is most likely swarming with Ricks by now. All right, listen, Jerry. lf Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location. You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah.

Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet,

Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

There, every being is a letter ofthe alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up,

I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing.

- Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why?

I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys. Come on, man.

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh...

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith.

ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty,

See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

school is stupid. It's not how you learn things.

Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir? - Holy hell. - Sir! Hold your fire!

ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Annie. ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody.

the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

I smell the blood of -- whoop!

They're not gods. All right!

Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day!

He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

The cone-nipple people will rule this world!

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave.

Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, lwill come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies. Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.

Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.

Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson. Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six. Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!

You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery.

Cynthia. . . JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

"Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this.

You're doing great. I know how to crawl in a tube. Come on. Oh, This is harder than it looks. Whoa! - Marco? - Polo! Marco? Come find me. Marco? You guys are enjoying this? Don't you feel a little patronized?

Wha?

Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty,

How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty, You're not Marty,

Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.

Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.

J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J, Ooh! Ooh! OW!

Our alliance is beneficial.

It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days,

O h, my god!

Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt.

and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean. Beth! Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now. BETH: I can't help but feel a little guilty. I didn't peg Lucy for a rapist.

- You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

No! Nobody's doing that!

Fine, whatever. Marty, stay. Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay!

But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty,

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship.

Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them.

Calling all Jan Michael Vincents. ANNOUNCER: Ina world where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents, MAN: We need one Jan Michael Vincent to Quadrant "C." We need two Jan Michael Vincents to Quadrant "E." ...and l 6 Quadrants, There's only enough time for a Jan Michael Vincent to make it to a quadrant. He can't be at two quadrants at once.

What about...

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing?

Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect.

We're going to get it nice and steamy in there, and I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint, and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean. Beth! Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now.

I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.

Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?

Hold on to something.

Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

So, class dismissed. You've got the day off! All right! Good work, Mr. Goldenfold! Yeah, get outside. Read a book. Put on some sunscreen, Danielle! Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top. Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? No can do. Tonight's the big dance. And Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wing man.

How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen.

RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.

Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer. I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.

Disqualified!

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death.

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe.

I'm an alcoholic.

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

But most importantly, you got to relax. You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don't think this is working. I give up, I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck.

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha!

I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,

Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me.

Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick! Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh --

W-w-why would you even say that?

Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,

What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J,

So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names?

BOTH: Nice. So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett,

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic.

Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh! If you 're from Earth, that means we’re getting married! Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson! What the hell is a Birdperson? He's Rick's best friend. Uh, l-let's not get carried away, Marty, Would you like to RSVP or send a gift? No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,

"go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty,

Oh, my God, so embarrassing. At last! Two heroes!

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high! Out of my way. The tint setting is always too high.

No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi!

Oh, man. I cannot wait -- I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone. Jerry, stop, please, okay? We weren't even supposed to be down here. Ifwe confront him about this -- Oh, my god! I love this. I love that this is how far you will go for him.

We can communicate.

Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me.

So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure. Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together.

He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still.

Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them.

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em. Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone.

This -- this guy --

Revenge.

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

- Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,

Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.

and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?"

That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein?

All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you?

Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth.

And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart. You thought about getting an abortion? Everyone thinks about it, Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it, so you're welcome. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, thank you guys so much. It's a real treat to be raised by parents that forced themselves to be together instead of being happy.

if my parents are still out of town and if we can have a party! All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you? Ohh! He's asking if Tiny Rick will be here. Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party?

Drop the gun. You don't understand!

You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra,

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation!

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak,

Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad.

Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks.

Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah.

Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself.

He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide.

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers!

No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves Alan Jefferson or something like that. It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole?

Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry? It's just a bunch of dumb tabloid crap.

Saved your ass. All right, Morty.

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry!

They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time.

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe.

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.

Good. Okay. Great.

I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why? Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?! Everybody, in here! Hey, Gonorrhea!

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers.

What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty,

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it.

SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing.

Yeah. Talk to me.

Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?

l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.

Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick?

Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty,

Sure I did -- to develop this. lt detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone," Ray Bradbury, "Friday the 13th" The Series voodoo crap magic. I thought you might want it so you didn't accidentally sell anybody, say-, A typewriter that generates best-selling murder mysteries and then makes the murders happen in real life? Ooh. Be quiet.

Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?!

l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh?

Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez.

Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories.

- What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips.

Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry.

What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah!

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean?

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Grandpa?

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons.

Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from?

So who's homesick? By applause.

That is why he must numb himself.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld.

What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension? Sure! Let's go to the ascension. Wh-wh-what is it? We hereby send these unwantables skyward that they might be inhaled by the many Heads, later to be sneezed back to us as better babies. Headward, free now to rise. Headward, free now to rise.

Are you guys kidding me?

but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead!

So, what are you in for?

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it,

has fast become the 6, 048th planet to ]oin the Galactic Federation. The plucky little ball of water and d/rt, which is where it gets its name, is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos.

an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

- Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

Grandpa, go home and drink. Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman!

Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google! Mm. I'm so proud of you, Lucius. So, how much did we make? "We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me?

Thank you very, very much. Great store. Great place. Bye.

What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there --

Holy shit!

Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes!

Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up!

Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist. That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round.

LINCOLER: Please, stop!

But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet.

The answer is don't think about it,

and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.

Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!

Aah! Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us.

I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery.

WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold, or is itjust me? I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp.

Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool.

l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles.

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

Noooooo!

Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.

Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?!

Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.

Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings!

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet.

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second?

I'm starving.

Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?!

The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days.

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,

MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say -- you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good,

Disqualified! Disqualified!

Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.

Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.

"I prefer to keep my penis."

J, I will make you hurt J, Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

the council apologizes for its false accusation, and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

That out there? That's my grave. Wait, what? On one of our adventures.., Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place.

This whole thing was your idea, in the first place, and, now, you're trying to rush it along. Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you? Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty,

Well, terrific. Dad, what's going on? What's the deal here? I just wanted to spend some time with my daughter. You're growing up so fast. You used to be my little girl. Yeah. Remember when we used to go to the playground, and I'd push you on the swings? Oh, you could push me higher than all the other kids.

Oh, you made it!

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon.

Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?

Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it,

Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes! Summer's gonna like me again. Lincoler, come on! Let's get out of here!

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah.

Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

You drive a hard bargain,

See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack?

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff. Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh,

undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming.

Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.

Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence!

Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

I refuse to send the legislation that allows more than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct. This Jan- Uary, " time to Michael down your Vincents. "Jan Quadrant Vincent 76. "

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary.

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple.

Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me?

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man.

Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots?

We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl.

I am a baby! I'm a baby now! Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!

Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.

We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"?

Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions.

wacky scientists, you know?

And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States.

So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick, if you're so much smarter than them? It's an obsession for them at this point. The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead ofthem. Aha! Here we go. Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica.

Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car.

What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down.

to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!

What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about?

Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there? Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah.

Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you,

Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-,

But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers!

You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer.

Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them!

My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt".,

Unity's not into other hive minds. It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.

I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really.

Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay, which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts,

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves?

Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.

Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this?

f honks horn f Son of a bitch.

What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy,

We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?

and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe,

SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right.

Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Oh, my god! Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk? Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut? Uh, l'm...not sure. Exactly. Show me what you got!

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness.

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream?

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend.

Nancy told us what a bitch you are.

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry.

I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?

They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty! The shoes have to be turned on! BETH: I am not putting my father in a home!

Sex is sacred!

Come on, spit it out!

Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect. Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? Yes, we discovered a species oftiny pig off the coast of New Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west.

Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you?

Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty,

So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe.

I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same.

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs?

Can do!

Hey, there.

Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying.

i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up?

Oh shit.

Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something?

All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends.

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me!

J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J, J, All the moon men want things theirway J, J, But we make sure they see the sun J,

I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad. Can he have visitors? He'd like to be alone. He told me to tell you he's sorry you didn't have bad memories of him? lfyou love him, you should leave.

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly.

My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead.

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Whoa!

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

I think I know what the "A" in NASA stands for. - Dad, what's your endgame? - Ain't no game, sucka. Why don't we just make the solar system with eight planets? It's even easier. Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round? Science isn't always easy, Morty. Whoa! Whoa!

Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son.

Well, obviously, Summer,

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up.

I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself.

Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no!

and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty.

Thank you, Fido.

uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

It's beautiful. You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you. What's that, Marty? I think you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah!

Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy. You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a --

you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know? Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir.

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy.

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah!

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]

Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples.

Tuberculosis -- coming in fast!

Dad, that is so sweet!

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing.

Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond."

You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land. Too fast. SUMMER:

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew. Please help me. You can reach me if you try. Please help me! That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving. Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night.

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J,

Oof!

Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh...

Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules!

I'm traveling with my son and father-in-law. W-wait. Are they coming? Oh, they'll be back soon. What?! I don't know how this works! Help me! What the hell?! I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?

You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, ...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass. Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J, J, lt's schwifty time today J,

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation.

Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going...

Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.

Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario --

l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick!

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.

You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this,

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator.

I am drawing a line, okay?

And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.

Are those chokers from the '90s?

You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

The E-Arth relationships are simpler.

Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No!

Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair.

You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer!

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor

What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Outside? Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog!

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve,

- Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey!

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

Oh, that must be where he lives.

Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes. And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios, lthink. lcan’t-- l’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock because i can 't see anything.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit!

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!

wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire!

God, whatever, Rick.

you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem.

You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy,

Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that. lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing?

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it.

24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.

Disqualified. There's one every season.

Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you! J, These memories that we have J,

I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw.

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else.

But I want to murder everyone I see.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it,

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight...

S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.

No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.

Where's the van, Marty? It's over the horizon in the driveway.

Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots?

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind. I love you. [processing, powering up f

Good luck.

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

"Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word?

They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane.

no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice.

Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really.

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem.

All right, let's go. MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up,

This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

Hey, what are you in tar?

Who is he?

I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works.

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica.

naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles.

undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

God damn it.

J, You could have it all J, Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. J, My empire of dirt J, J, I will let you down J,

If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself.

Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now! Grandpa Rick, I like working here. You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes! So what if he's the devil, Rick? At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.

I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society.

I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick.

I didn't ask to be born!

Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!

Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real?

Now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak-ass time again. How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there,

my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle.

A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?

But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick!

This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal.

I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. I am here if you need to talk. - What is this place? - Paradise.

God is dead! The government's lame!

No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything.

It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that.

Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one ofthree meals that have existed for millennia. Losing him. Stabilized.

Already lost interest. Get in the car. I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic.

At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging."

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.

Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome. J, Look on down from the bridge J,

Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away.

You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop. Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill.

Depending on my aim,

One dot, motherfucker!

Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more.

- What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

but I've become inebriated.

lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right.

We assume you are from a more primitive world, where men are still permitted to be servants. If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. He's my slave. He's my slave. He's definitely my slave. Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!

What a life. Did you get any ofthat?

So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um --

BETH: Coffee time! RICKS: Yo, yo, yo, yo! That's what I like to hear! Hi, Jerry. Leave me alone. I'm working. Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy, and then y-y-you help 'em?

What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.

or...

ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking. Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally -- we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh?

What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this.

You will walk when it is time to walk. What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch!

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!

Would you relax, Marty? There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair.

/'m the E yeho!e... Man. /'m the only one that's allowed to have E yeho!es. Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today. RICK: You gotta be careful, Marty, If that guy catches you with a box of his Eyeholes,

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!

J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,

It's supposed to be romantic.

It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes. Oh, my Gad,

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right.

lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here.

Eh, unless she has the flu.

When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car?

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.

SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true.

And in this one, we were dead. So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse. So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run."

I know your game, Beta Seven. I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in-the-wings shoulder to cry on! You are classified as a hostile entity. Oh, you're just loving this, mother-- this isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal.

Hmm. Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it!

Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick!

I'm not the one who -- who -- who --

Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business.

"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!

Marty, Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J,

Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.

Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty? Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms?

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J,

You know you're kind of a dick, right?

This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated,

How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick.

JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

You have no idea what prison is like here!

All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com.

Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No! No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Yeah. Totally. Let's go.

Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real?

Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually.

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10!

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back,

You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook. A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka!

I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back. Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you?

Hey, brah!

l have a rare antique- coin collection!

I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community.

That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves Alan Jefferson or something like that. It's crazy, right?

Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!

J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water...

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them.

ALL: Ice-T?! That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play.

What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy? Not a bad trade for spider peace. All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider!

I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday. MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future.

I love doing cocaine with you.

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!

Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my cahapes.

Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax.

You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.

That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers --

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting!

Every kid needs a dad, but there's no replacing you. Hey, you want to give us a hand with this? We're trying to figure out how to get the sound coming through the stereo instead of the TV, l-l-lt's very difficult. Oh! Uh, well, is there an aux input? We tried that, but there's two different colors. But there's two different colors.

RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions.

We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but...

Should've been our wake-up call. But the rich plutonians won't wake up, and they love your Dad telling everyone Pluto's a planet because that means they can keep mining until Pluto goes from planet to asteroid to meteor, and finally...

You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty!

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead.

Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited. The Pluto-bel prize is the highest honor a scientist can receive.

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em. Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone. No, no, no, no. Rotary. And pay phone on half.

Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty, And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry, and the Zigerions got nothing of mine. Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes.

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid. Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair,

and your solution is to shoot the audience?

What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!

Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!

H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No!

Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,

You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet!

technically, the second freezer drawer is mine.

You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!

You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

What the hell was that?!

Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --

Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here.

Grandpa, we need to go home, now,

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

You're just a symptom of it, Can I show you something? Morty, no offense... but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident. That out there? That's my grave. Wait, what? On one of our adventures.., Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one.

Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real.

It's like "The Purge," Marty, That movie "The Purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night. l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?

Brad! Stupid! Rick!

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves,

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty,

[processing, powering up f

It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes,

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

All right, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things. Excuse me. Can I help you? Starting with common office objects. Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! Such as staplers and pins and all sorts ofthings like -- such as that. That's it, I'm calling security. No!

Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store?

Stay.

Yay, you win. Where the hell am I going? Wh-- What are you asking me for, Jerry? I'm sitting here trying to figure out why the cops don't just take you out. I mean they got a clear shot to your head. I can't believe our tax dollars pay for this.

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff. Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid?

Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty,

My god. Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved if we replace his heart with your human penis. I see. Wait, what? It's perfect.

Where'd you come from?

Now I'm hooked.

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick.

Fine. Sheesh.

Please! Please don't kill me!

I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty.

Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad!

Unh! Class dismissed. Geez.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

"Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason.

It's raining blood!

I really had something going there, Rick!

He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot!

Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.

Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.

Show me what you got!

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick!

I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back?

Okay. We're ready. Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go!

I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions.

Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right?

Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Yeah. Totally. Let's go. You will walk when it is time to walk.

Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son. Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.

Aaah! Holy shit. What happened?

No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

making you look like a party clown.

J, This is not a dance J,

or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why? Sundown is when the festival begins. The festival? Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war,

l have to admit,

Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself.

And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it.

Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing!

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch!

Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that.

Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego? Well, you'd have to be pretty petty. But you'd still be the woman I married. Where are we going? One last stop,

Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human.

Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!

What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa!

If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling.

Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside.

That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son.

Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.

Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning.

Um, Rick!

Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool.

"Cape Fear"!

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true,

Yeah, baby!

lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp-- I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth!

What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why --

Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!

I guess he got what he deserved.

It's how things should be. It's how they could be.

Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy.

We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free!

I'm feeling... Ugh. Oh, man, let me help all of you guys up. ALL: I'm fine. Do you know what I love about you, Rick? You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture.

Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no.

Hi, Frank. Aah! Scalpel. Scalpel. Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him.

This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless.

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.

I am a baby! I'm a baby now! Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!

and spirit, sa ve me.

including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain.

Wha? Oh my God, the track!

Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

We live our lives in hiding.

Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,

Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.

A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody.

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry,

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks!

Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured?

I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories,

I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"?

Rick, you got to do something quick. My parents are home. Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good.

Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry. Yeah, yeah. I got it. That's okay. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Try again and keep your head down.

My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!

is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence! Your slave is ill-mannered. My slave? We assume you are from a more primitive world,

Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you.

Wow, you sure found this guy quick, Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective. Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick,

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too.

He'll be fine. Let's go.

New York Times bestselling author, your book is about innocence, the definition of it, and, inevitably, its impossibility. Is it autobiographical? Certainly. I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager.

- Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates?

l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival. Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!"

A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

It's messed up, There's caterers down there.

I ask you to do one thing! Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob.

Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg.

And, most importantly, we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves.

But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

Squanch this, mo-Fo.

Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together. Get back!

Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source.

Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy? Not a bad trade for spider peace.

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty, That's how we're gonna scam these idiots, So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick, if you're so much smarter than them? It's an obsession for them at this point.

We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father.

It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.

Balls.

I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late?

Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend,

is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move!

You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"?

Aah! Huh?

I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch? Jerry, I believe that, if you hide by yourself, you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right.

We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture.

- DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you?

I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '

I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.

This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.

Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this.

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns!

I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?!

What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah! Come on out, Jerry! Guys, l'll choke up. I'll follow through. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay? Oh, we're well past that, Jerry.

This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not.

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea.

I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame!

Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell?

And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"!

Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

- Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter.

It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what?

Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help!

You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?"

It's okay. We're not gonna hurt you. My name is Marty, This is my grandpa. - We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified...

See you, Uh, Rick, I think we should allgo. Tend to your garden, kids. I'm kind of doing a thing here. Whoo! Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you, Oh, my god, you guys. I get it. You're afraid the big, bad hive mind is gonna steal your grandpa away. Actually, no. I think Unity's great and you're a horrible influence on it.

I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society.

Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round?

What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school.

I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son. I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see. Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way.

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!

Annnd during that time,

Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby!

before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God?

Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older.

So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs.

Lookin' good. Slow down! My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah! So...

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick!

RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit.

I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what?

SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.

Class dismissed. Geez.

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa!

Lick, lick, lick my balls!

And the final ingredient...

lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]

Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over. Whoa, Dad, you can't, like,

Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

you're gonna need to harness your repressed rage. I don't have any! Spoken like a person with repressed rage.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table.

Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?!

Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something.

As we can all see, this is hardly the real Garrrh and Zharbidar. Which is good, because the relationship in their heads is not only ugly, it's unsustainable.

you don't want me and Rick to be happy? No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.

That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd.

None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you.

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Kill him!

So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on Fundamentals of Fear. Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

Beta Seven, if my allies are a problem for you, perhaps our alliance is, as well. Our alliance is beneficial. When Beta Seven expresses concern, it -- it's only be-because -- RICK: Oh, snap! Powdered neutronium? Amphetetron? You know I can make with this stuff? Oh, Rick, I -- I shouldn't. Come on. It's not every day that I'm town.

Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!

I do. I do understand about your eyeholes.

WhOops.

or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

A violent antique show.

You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!

Why not? I don't know. lt's Indian giving. A sophisticated predator, nature 's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill,

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better.

Rick Sanchez! You psycho bag of squanch! Hey, what's up, Squanchy? Hey, Squanchy. Marty, Summer! And you must be Beth. Mwah! Ensquanche!

See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works?

mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..?

BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out!

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!!

Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!

No! Not twigs!

But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community. May my chores complete me as I complete them.

Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'.

No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive.

It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch!

Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place.

It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty!

- Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!

Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap!

That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it!

you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy?

If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind?

Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

- Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people? Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own? I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off,

To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years. Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J,

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty.

Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty,

Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick.

Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.

But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable.

You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics,

Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? No can do. Tonight's the big dance. And Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wing man. BOTH: Tiny Rick! Okay, but if not tonight, when? I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea, in the first place,

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest.

I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race!

All right. There's six of us, and that's it,

I'll get my jacket. Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny.

Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline. All right, Rick, look -- how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, Look at that thing right there.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!

But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything.

J, Lay it, lay it down J,

Owl, Oof! Ugh! Damn it! I'm all right. I'm okay. All right, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is? Marty? Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40.

Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick.

l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything.

And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp.

No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

What? Dumb. Bye. But Rick, Summer's just -- Summer's just a hyper-emotional, needy little -- what's the word I'm looking for here? Uh...human. It runs in the family. I can tolerate it, but I can't give a crap about it. Take a hike. Take care of yourself, Unity.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J,

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud.

Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only,

All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now.

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know,

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!

Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse.

Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland. Shut up. Here, put these on.

55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people! Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo!

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together. Get back! Wait, for real?

This is where we're going? Nope. This is.

I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles!

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids.

Yeah! Aah!

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

- MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good.

Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

Who wants lemonade?

They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They."

Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you? Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty,

You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is,

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way.

It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops,

Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.

Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top.

Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever.

That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

This is a Galactic Federation outpost!

Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say.

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty,

undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast.

Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis. Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here?

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now.

It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know?

Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg.

right around the corner.

God damn it! God damn it!!

Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet -- Opening myself up to others. SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers!

Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.

Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars.

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you?

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

Marty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers.

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer.

But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine! Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about.

Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine. I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this?

Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today,

l’m Ants in My E yes johnson, E verything's black. i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch,

Jesus Christ!

J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you.

Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything.

What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something.

You know why? Uh, because it's lame?

Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up.

So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure.

U nity?

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks!

I'm posting this online, like, right now.

Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How?

It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that?

Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?!

Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick?

Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god!

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, " ANNC)UNCER: More "Personal Space " next Tuesday at 8:00. Up next, the heat is turning up with Samantha and the Boys on "The Northsiders. " f speaking alien language f

Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.

J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J,

Bye. Later.

Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction! Geez, Morty. I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet. I don't want to talk about it. - Okay, guys, let's go home. - Where's Dad?

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite.

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe.

Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J, J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J,

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here!

Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery. You're welcome. RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick!

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little --

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.

- Aaaah! - Holy --

I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

This guy's trying to get out of giving away his penis!

This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Lucy, wow.

Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh...

W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery.

And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty,

It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.

You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go. Well, terrific.

RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!

That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe.

Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better.

Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey!

Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real.

Wait, what?

Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that?

Bomb! Bomb!

Did you get any ofthat?

and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No!

No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?

Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?

Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie!

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down.

Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you?

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay?

Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves,

a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other.

Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large?

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be?

Aw, man, geez! Seriously?

we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite.

- What is this place? - Paradise.

Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers!

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.

Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely.

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla."

You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well.

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe.

Remove my penis!

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army,

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica.

Welcome...

You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

Too fast. SUMMER:

ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role, Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist. That's Earth therapy.

This is a candid shot. I don't require a camera so -- Sorry.

BLANE: Need, or want? JACEY: I've never been much forwanting. BLANE: Spoken like someone with needs. Oh, geez. Hmm? Uh, sorry. K-Keep going. "Jacey reaches out and touches his face. It's clear he needs what she wants. She's a woman. He's a man. The city burns in the background as he takes her in his arms.

It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

- Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter?

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it.

Get away from me! No! No! Help!

Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.

f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell?

How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry.

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?

Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it.

Hey, uh, come here. l-l want to show you something.

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that.

"Dada."

All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing.

You say you get it, but I'm scared you'll keep doing it.

Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV, and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask.

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out.

Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys.

I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off, how would they find their butt person again? I don't know, Summer. I can't even hear the TV, All right, that's it, We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day. Ooh, family vacation!

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was --

any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat.

Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy.

You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here.

What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her!

Plutonians. Jerry Smith is a scientist from Earth, where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

Oh, the Hulk. I just got that. Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose. Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky!

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger.

I don't care. Just leave it, Yeah. Okay.

Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land.

- Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it, Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego?

MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick?

Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening. Well, well, well.

There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation!

Wha? Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A!

l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing!

We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as, because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate.

Pluto is... ...not a planet.

You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

I would love to see it,

Don't be a hero, kid.

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt.

- Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light.

...between one guy who can't get a break... There's something about you, Mrs. Sullivan. ...and nine cats who break all the rules. "Last Will and Testi-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House // " Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts?

Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art.

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird.

Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice. Pardon, Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension? Sure! Let's go to the ascension. Wh-wh-what is it?

Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse,

J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J, The end.

that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family!

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night.

J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody.

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad?

Amazing.

Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy?

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four!

...five -- Sir?

The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

Thank you very, very much.

Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick?

Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird.

Oh, god, now there's three of them.

I can't believe she's here. Well, what are you doing standing here, Marty? Go, Talk to her.

You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn. Finally. I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline. I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born. That came out wrong, That came out very wrong,

But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."

Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.

Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote.

Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens.

That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds. They're -- they're incredibly powerful,

it’s "Saturday Night Live, " starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Gar Ma Nar Nar, three, um, um, um... i ll get back to that one,

I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

Uh, I thought you learned that by now.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me.

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,

NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad.

I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?

You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay?

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

It's a good-a show!

What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail?

They work for each other, Marty,

It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me!

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.

Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker! Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty,

I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,

Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

- Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome.

Shh! I hear something.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

You don't know me!

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse.

What are we doing? I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this.

Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.

You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg.

That's not how it works!

The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?

Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd!

This aftershave made women want me,

Just do it already.

Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake.

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah!

W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still.

Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am -- Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause.

J-J-J-- this is game over.

SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing.

And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.

Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis.

Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should!

What kind of business do you do in a garage? You know, this seems a little shady. Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty? Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,

- Um... - Well, now you know. You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de-do.

Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run!

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

Hey, Rick. I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out? Whatever. Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad.

You, not me! You! - Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah! Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies,

Motherfucker!

MAN: Hey, how’s it going?

I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday! Well, did you even consider how that might make me feel?! How you feel?! Why is everything always happening to you?!

no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV, J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh!

and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty,

W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards.

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me.

That's slavery. It's society.

Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know? Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction!

I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick. I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty, Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief.

Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!

SUMMER: Is it God?

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels?

This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa!

Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete.

And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6:00 pm, so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children.

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time!

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot.

What's that, Marty? I think you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!

One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when yourworld is one. Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta?

Not my cup of tea, this place.

Help me, please! You can help me!

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.

The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy.

Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!

J, But we make sure they see the sun J, J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.

I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad.

We got, uh, one game. We got a Whole bunch of games here. You can -- we got Chabos and Flobos, and you can shoot thingsl Get over here! Play the games! Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets! "Ro y 2"just got here. Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world,

- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty?

Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.

J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes,

Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine.

...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry! Hey, uh, come here.

Understood.

So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckers at the dance! Tiny Rick! Marty, you have to help me! Summer, he's happy! I'm happy!

J, Where's your hands? J,

God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky? Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things.

I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed.

Yes, Marty,

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Give me the time crystal.

Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that.

Come on! Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go!

even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker.

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

Oh, my God, so embarrassing.

Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh?

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty,

That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.

What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white,

No, you're the worst! You don't support this family!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now.

Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Open fire! Aah!

RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying. I'll leave it at that.

Your slave is ill-mannered. My slave? We assume you are from a more primitive world, where men are still permitted to be servants. If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. He's my slave. He's my slave. He's definitely my slave. Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy,

...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

RICK: What an asshole!

I believe Birdperson can arrange that. Hey, Summer, haven't seen you at flute practice in a while. Summer, don't tell me you're friends with her. Are you kidding me? I don't even know what she's doing here. Whoa. Not cool, Summer. This is a party. Everybody should be welcome.

and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too. Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today?

Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful.

Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that.

Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

A lot of people don't get that. Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!

Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.

Yeah! We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now! Did he just say "Musical Reality Show"? Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all. Help! We should go get him.

my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.

A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.

I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow!

Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most. Males... ...they get to play outside. That was just a baby.

Seven. . . keep away from that personal space. Eight, personal space. Nine, personal space. You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space.

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,

Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal?

Follow me on my adventure through this office. All right, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things. Excuse me. Can I help you? Starting with common office objects. Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! Such as staplers and pins and all sorts ofthings like -- such as that. That's it, I'm calling security.

Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death!

Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison.

Ow! I got to tell you, this morning,

When we're hungry. With that, I give you your new slogan! Well, say something! Do you like it? Yes. You do? ALL: Yes. So...| sold it? I sold the idea?

So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!

You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything?

You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system."

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship.

- I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys. I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed.

Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick.

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me.

We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us,

ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.

You, not me! You! - Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah!

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship.

What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream?

They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future!

Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well? Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it, Rick!

Jerry, I'd love tojust kick back with a margarita and read.

Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god.

Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death!

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything,

Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world,

Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them.

- I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later.

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!

Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies.

My top! Screw your top! You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL:

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.

Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery!

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty.

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?

this man was a registered sex offender.

and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of --

See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.

I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick.

What's -- what's up?

Ooh, family vacation! Did you get any of that?

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me.

But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."

I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what?

You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep.

We've got six hours to come up with a song! Genius happens in the moment, Morty.

'Cause I said so!

W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving.

What about... Pirates of the Pancreas?

Nice!

After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible?

We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time?

My -- my -- my -- my man!

See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go.

Marty, nobody changed the planets. I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet.

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame!

Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas.

Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that,

...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland.

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.

Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

Dad, there he is! Oh, god, Hey, stop that! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad!

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this?

All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick!

Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. I am here if you need to talk. - What is this place? - Paradise. We built it during the great passive-aggression, when the females separated from the males due to their increasingly destructive behavior. I am here if you need to talk. I am here if you need to talk.

It's a good-a show!

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

...ovenless brownies!

The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf.

You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now!

Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet,

He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals.

That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together.

That's the end, motherfucker!

they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?

Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two.

Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's.

We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

Oh, my Gad,

Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer.

They have been blowin' me up,

Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

It's a good-a show!

Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back!

Buckle up!

J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,

"Cape Fear"! "Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."

- or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick.

Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god. Where did you learn to talk, you grandpa-stealing slut? I'm feeling... Ugh. Oh, man, let me help all of you guys up. ALL: I'm fine.

And then a giant tornado came. And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear. A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes.

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!

You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra,

Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye.

for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with. J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch!

Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it, Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume,

The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives!

Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick!

Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

Roy?

Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --

Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why?

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,

What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah!

A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going?

Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome.

Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.

You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

All this time, you've been thinking, "what ifthat loser, Jerry, hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" - Um... - Well, now you know. You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de-do. You'd also be drinking wine alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart. You thought about getting an abortion?

You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts!

What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor?

Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back --

Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy --

ALL: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oof! Man up, Jerry!

Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?!

SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad! MORTY: Drive carefully! Have fun, you two.

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty,

and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact --

- SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah!

Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it, Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume,

Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding.

and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!

God damn it! God damn it!!

That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry. Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect.

The most important love you can receive is from yourself. Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club!

We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

We can go into detail later, son.

5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question.

No! Get out of my head, parasite! No!

Jerry Smith? Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school. I hate acting. I hate cocaine. I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been. J, Give me a name J,

J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. Fill a whole room up with them.

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

What the fuck is going on?

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer.

Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah!

It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing?

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt?

After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice.

I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute.

and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean. Beth! Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now.

Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first. I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes.

l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.

and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing. All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean?

What the hell happened?

- Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse.

If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot?

Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist.

Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive.

Why is everything always happening to you?! Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man. I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,

I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry. I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life,

That's my dream! That's my dream.

- Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf-- We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto." And a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry? Pluto is a planet.

Oh shit!

You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here. You can have this back.

You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit.

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you.

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.

Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

Nice racket you got going on here. Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

Diabolic son of a motherf--

Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists.

sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right?

No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work? Somebody dropped the dime on us. Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high.

The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it,

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.

- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide.

I'll just...get to the pitch. Um, simple question, gentlemen, what are apples? Excuse me. Ahh, What are apples? Apples are food. And...when do we need food? When we're hungry.

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we --

Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.

What's your problem? They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else.

Uh, anything else.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome!

Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket.

Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people.

The general store ought to have what you need.

I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower.

You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!

Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally -- we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan!

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

Mm, there is no God, Summer.

What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.

f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart!

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,

Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long? I don't know. How long do you guys want? A week? A month?

None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice. Hey, Marty, there's our Jerry. Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick. Glad you're safe, Jerry. What do you say we go home? I'd like that. Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126?

Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th-- but that's not how it went down! Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.

but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later.

Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world

Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth?

Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

Holy cow, Rick.

LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry? Uh, almost. I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes. I'm sure it's good enough. Move! Every weekend, Jacks and Roses have their Titanic experience in this car, and lhave to mop it up, The floor drops out to make it easier. But now it's my turn.

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful.

Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland. Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent.

- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people.

J, Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo J, Boy, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Marty, A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare!

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.

Birdperson!! No!! Holy -- Drop the portal gun.

How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints.

I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we --

RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty, I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let'sjust find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Marty, Proceed to the liver.

Tammy? Birdperson!! No!! Holy --

Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little. Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks. You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,

Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty,

then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Marty, I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick!

What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you.

Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage.

lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us, And that's it,

Ooh, nice! I think we'll take our food to go. No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer. Fair enough.

Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

ANNC)UNCER: it’s the opposite news with Michael Thompson. Hey, everybody, it’s me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn 't get killed. He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba. in other opposite news, information. . .

Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty?

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go. Well, terrific. Dad, what's going on? What's the deal here? I just wanted to spend some time with my daughter. You're growing up so fast. You used to be my little girl. Yeah. Remember when we used to go to the playground, and I'd push you on the swings?

I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow.

Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one's bigger.

The world?

J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music,"

I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box?

Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.

J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with, l'll break who you -- J, And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front. Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!

You're right. Kill Pencilvester. Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going?

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...

I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse,

"Okay" -- like you're gonna quietly teleport somewhere and never come back? No. It's your house. Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way -- Already lost interest. Get in the car.

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.

It's just, you know, when he was 30, she was an actual child. When he was her age, she wasn't born. When he was, let's see, like, 18, she was literally in there in yourwomb. Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth?

Oof! Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers. Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick!

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room where none ofthe people whose stuff I stole can get to us, Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples.

How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down,

You know what I mean?

That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying.

From Summer being a total bitch!

Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is.

MAN: It's-a good show-a,

I guess I remember that.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.

They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay?

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser.

Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us!

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

The homeless are now "Phisosophers."

What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot! You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what?

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless.

You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it,

It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what?

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me!

What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species, Beta Seven. Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice.

and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy,

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now. Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out.

It's a good show!

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth.

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, There's still fountains down there J,

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car.

Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time. Yes. I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, Iike...an Appley or something. Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns?

and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

Let's just say you don't pay-, with money.

The rest is annoying garbage.

So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes!

Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture.

ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.

6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at?

Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!

You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad!

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose. Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky.

I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged.

Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho! J, Oh, it feels good J, Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver.

Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense.

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS!

Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today.

Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13.

J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J,

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons.

Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop.

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat.

J, I hurt myselftoday J, f woman speaking gibberish ] For English, press 2 [ beep) Connecting to agent. W O M A N ', Ongoing investigations. Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez,

They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know?

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer!

J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick. ln here.

Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card. She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient?

Later.

Let's go, go, go, go!

You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh?

I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years? Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases.

Yeah, baby! Aaaah! Grandpa Rick, where are we going? Well, obviously, Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar? Ticketmaster.

but you can't run from your youth J,

Fakedoors. com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake do-o-o-o-rsi Hey, wait a minute, Rick.

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in.

All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty,

Roy?

Jesus.

Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around.

A pussy emergency!

Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis.

naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill --

Take the day off.

Peace among worlds, Rick.

Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon." He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly?

"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story,

Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh!

Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school. Owl, Oof! Ugh! Damn it! I'm all right. I'm okay. All right, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is?

Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!

Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?

Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally.

iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on! Aah! Get off!

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.

His subconscious is panicking.

Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius.

Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me!

The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid. Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair, so you can make an army of your badass self?

You're kidding me. Notice anything different?

And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty,

They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No!

What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

J, Do you feel it? J,

Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy.

Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries!

All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.

who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!

I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty,

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't! What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.

Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw.

The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's --

Dear god. Hold on, sir. Just a minute. lce-T survived. He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours. Good luck, Mr. President. Sir, the magnetic poles are about to reverse. In two hours, there may not be an Earth to save. Sanchez? Are you a musician? l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

Would you like to RSVP or send a gift? No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.

String Theory, World History, the Human Genome --

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon? Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now.

lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Where is Marty? [conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected!

lt's shrinking because of corporations. Yeah, that's what that anti-planet nut job Scrcocopy Noopers was screaming about outside the Ministry of Money's Fundraiser. Are you telling me four billion Plutonians are wrong? You said science wasn't easy. I said science isn't always easy. Obviously, that means sometimes it is easy. Let's not debase ourselves with word games, son.

and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die!

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry.

Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby. There was a seven-horse collision, and Davin's there alone. Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin.

Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.

Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

- Unity, what's happening? - Who's Unity? You kids have nice feet. Mind if I take a picture?

Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty?

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer. Oh, my god, Toby Matthews is asking... if my parents are still out of town and if we can have a party! All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you?

"Morning"?

puppeteered by somebody else.

Alexand--

Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there.

Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell?

so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.

I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself!

Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.

Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.?

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,

This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else.

Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

which makes this my garage, my secret hatch, my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez? Okay, you're just making stuff up now, Ugh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Ugh! Oh, Rick. That was so bad.

A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems.

Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.

I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica.

Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa! J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah '

This guy right here -- super-weird.

J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!

J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world.

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec.

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all. Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy?

Leave me alone. I'm working. Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy, and then y-y-you help 'em? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together.

Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter? Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention. To a conversation about vampires?! Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires, because I wasn't paying attention, which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role, Am I a victim, Beth,

Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right.

You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash.

Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now.

God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose.

Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife. So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes.

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore.

Yeah. Totally. Let's go. You will walk when it is time to walk. What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah.

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over.

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy? Summer, you're a bad person. All you care about is having popular people like you.

W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government,

and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood.

J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal,

This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great.

It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. What? I'm an angry father, not an improvisor. Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name.

Is he going to die? Don't worry.

Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot.

Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves. We killed a vampire anda gym teacher. Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha!

- No. - And away we go! And away we go!

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

Jews rule!

Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty. I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together.

Oh, geez, Rick.

Aw, hell, no, dawg.

Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough.

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two.

RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card. She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off.

Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space. Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space.

W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.

MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.

Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!

He's saying "I love Obama." So cute!

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.

SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.

there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living.

He'll be fine.

Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car.

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!

"Bitch."

It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,

What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics.

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,

Hi, honey, so, here's the thing -- These guys -- They want to completely remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart.

Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise?

Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher. Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg.

What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator.

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way. MAN: Actually, there is. Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work.

Well, it really doesn't matterwhat youwant, because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance? I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. Ohh! No, Morty Jr.!

Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible! Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats, but you get -- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put them in agonizing pain, that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker.

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

How dumb are you?

How's this for a burning sensation?

Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50?

I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty?

Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers.

Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is.

Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know.

Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles.

See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

Well, l was thinking, you know, w-w-- could you make some sort of chemical thing happen inside of Jessica's mind, you know, so where she falls in love with me and all that sort ofthing? You know, like, some sort of love potion or something? Marty, that's such a poor use of my time. lt's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.

I can't leave now. Everyone hates me.

but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel. Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop,

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing!

Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack? Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof.

I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right?

MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield,

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha!

...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out.

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?!

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick. Now's not a good time. Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Oh, real nice. Real nice.

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power.

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

Yes.

It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news.

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

You shut up, you big female asshole!

Hey, that's my deer!

I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth. Well, herwaistline isn't. Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you?

That's strange.

Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy,

There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00.

it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real?

t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles.

Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy. Our pleasure.

That out there? That's my grave.

Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it!

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit?

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!

I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding. But that's the opposite of what-- Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything? Hey, you know what? You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know?

Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah!

Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick.

Delivery for Rick. Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry. Gross. What is that thing? It's a courier flap.

I don't want you missing school on Monday. MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown!

What the fuck is going on?

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.

Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half...

Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

You're a surgeon -- a human surgeon.

Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being, I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme?

Looks like we've got... haunted boxing gloves that wril make you the heavyweight champion in 1936, and then you'll be trapped there, winning the same fight for eternity. I can take out the "eternity" and the padding, and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens.

It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one. Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad,

Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away.

I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me!

and don't even -- All right, I'm bored. Change it, Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name. Here's another slogan right below that one. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it,

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

Okay. Let's not rehash t/ratfight,

Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh!

I got to tell you, this morning, I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.

Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon.

Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop?

No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon." He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.

Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay.

Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?

You should find that Lucy woman. But -- but -- You see, Jerry? May I show you something? Had everything gone as planned, this entire area would be underwater, I would have liked to see it, This trip has been a "Titanic" failure. Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy,

See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg.

My gear-turnings as ofyet in the curious case of these unidentified humanoid fugitives, reportedly at large somewhere within the gear system. Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms,

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch.

Jessica.

l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god!

Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die.

Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged.

Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No!

Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha!

"World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. Oh, goody. From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species.

I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything. Yeah. But I feel like one ofthe 64 Ricks, like, sacrificed himself for me?

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home.

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic.

I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me?

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood.

I cannot argue that. Aaah!

Oh, you're just loving this, mother-- this isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal. Unity's not into other hive minds. It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.

What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917. Cool! Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep.

Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

"I don't give a fuck!"

Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.

No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

what you call "North" of what you call "Here." Fine. Marty, take your Fart to his hole and say your goodbyes. I'm gonna find some fuel and take a big, fat Marty, That's my new word for shit because of today's events.

Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty,

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser. Rick, you brought me into this world,

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.

Oh, wait. Let me get a picture.

You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern. And listen. Yes? I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life?

Is that still a thing? Hmm?

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is.

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose?

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

I mean, let's face it --

No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!

Well, son, what did youthink when you were five and you pooped your pants,

You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!

JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.

There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made. Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space. "

It's just Rick and Marty --

Knock them dead out there, you. Pluto is...

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

Y-y -- are you a simulation?!

Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy?

Do it! Do it! Remove my penis!

H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?! PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising.

Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez.

none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work. We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as, because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate.

You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?

I think they're just good guys. Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race! Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.

You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine.

He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up,

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay?

How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine. Help! There is no escape, my son. We will find our peace in the next world,

See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute.

but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty.

Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you?

Na,

- MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie?

And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army,

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Even dumber than regular planning. Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up!

Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me."

Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith!

Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels?

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!

We don't have time for mojitos. - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! This place is the worst! I want to go home! Well, it really doesn't matterwhat youwant, because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears!

He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.

Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible!

Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times.

Let's find a control room or something. JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it. lfyou can find one, too, we should be safe for hours, maybe days!

It's a good-a show!

I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.

And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez. That's odd. This deer's wounded.

I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday!

He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money.

endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away. Why not? I don't know. lt's Indian giving. A sophisticated predator, nature 's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill,

Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers,

What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today.

Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer. I'm scared, Rick. Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons, like that show "Doomsday Preppers." Not really my style, Marty,

This next one's coming straight from the heart. Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head.

Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins! Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks.

Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool.

Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty.

Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids!

Aw, geez.

low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter?

Lost a little control. Probably shouldn't be piloting a hovercopter, nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals and 12 million deep fryers, but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk.

do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey.

Ugh! Arrgghh! Ah! Uhhhhh! Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal?

J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty.

Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it!

I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever.

It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know? Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!

Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

balls, balls. ..

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers -- Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on!

Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,

Two brothers in a van,

Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself.

My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great.

He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,

You're the man ofthe house, and you don't have a job. Delivery for Rick. Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry. Gross. What is that thing? It's a courier flap. It's like the intergalactic version of UPS, but less off-putting. Oh, shiiit! It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson. Must be time for his annual Oscar party.

This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town.

The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine.

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick!

What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica.

I'm not going to fit. Beth, listen to me. You're going to get outta here. You're gonna go on, and -- Jerry, just leave the door. It's not a door, Beth. It's debris. I don't care. Just leave it, Yeah. Okay.

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone?

You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.

All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe. And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.

It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no. I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em.

We can adapt. We can communicate.

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down!

Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry. This aftershave made women want me,

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

Oh! Good work, Morty.

Homework is stupid.

What are you doing, Marty? This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory, but Grandpa and government don't get along. ALIEN: He saved my life. - What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" --

Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

It runs in the family. I can tolerate it,

Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no.

What's that dipshit doing out there?

Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!!

Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit.

Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch!

You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know? You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots.

They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you!

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young.

and my grandson wants the sex robot.

U nity?

I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you.

Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why?

Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.

I'm just saying, it's bad craftsmanship. BETH: Coffee time! RICKS: Yo, yo, yo, yo! That's what I like to hear! Hi, Jerry. Leave me alone. I'm working. Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow!

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

Oh shit. Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.

They changed it in 2006,

All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean?

l "c an't"? Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean? Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys.

This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.

It's fine. Everything is fine.

But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are.

is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody.

I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say. It's not like I could've actually done it, lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it,

And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it! What do you know? He was right! Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second!

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica.

Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.

Living in perfect peace. Oh, I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a yearwhere you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence. That's right. What?! It's like "The Purge," Marty, That movie "The Purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time.

You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch!

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?!

Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to?

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?!

I love you. [processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty,

Son of a,,,

cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife.

Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars.

and I need them to help me with my research, Marty, Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations.

and " the official car of "Mr, Sneezy 3D. " it’s the brand-new Sneezy XL. The horn, when you honk it, makes a sneeze noise. it’s polite, " right, and " Sneezy, Deezy Mc... Deluxe. l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ]

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it.

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car?

Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert! Ohhhhh!

J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J, Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!

- Rick! - Pants!

So, what are you -- like, the devil? - What? Sorry? - I don't know. Store comes out of nowhere, all the shit's old and creepy. Are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun? Grandpa Rick! Hey, I'm notjudging. Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science. Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis. This microscope reveals things beyondcomprehension.

No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.

You're scaring me. Scaring you?

Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Aah! What?

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this?

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out!

l-l-lt's very difficult. Oh! Uh, well, is there an aux input? We tried that, but there's two different colors. But there's two different colors.

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

Um, first of all, hello.

I'm your new teacher for Scary class. My name is Scary Mr. Johnson. Uh, actually, you know what? That's my dad's name, so why don't you just call me Scary Glenn, yeah? So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on Fundamentals of Fear. Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say --

- Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

but it also made me impotent! A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed!

Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben.

I promise I'll call you every day I need money or a place to do laundry. Aaaaaaah! So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle?

PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising.

Very well. Your exile ends today. Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father!

We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp--

Oh, boy, Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers." I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard.

I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it.

It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around.

Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science.

Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay. You two call yourselves geniuses,

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh!

Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick.

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave.

Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them.

My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah.

- Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty?

Oh, shit. We got tiny people,

Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well...

Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device.

I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop!

So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit.

So, how much did we make? "We."

All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, But these gears just started turnin'.

I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you?

Opium addict.

I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible.

Aah!

Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread.

He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus.

balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it.

Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell happened?

Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.

Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it,

Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis. This microscope reveals things beyondcomprehension.

When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system."

Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah!

Mr. Pibbles, you just wrote my penis a one-way ticket to staying on my body town. ANNC)UNCER: it’s the opposite news with Michael Thompson. Hey, everybody, it’s me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn 't get killed. He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba.

Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together. Dude, are you -- w-- you're being a dick, right? Oh, gosh, l-l hope not. l-l-l-l-l-l wouldn't want to offend you in any way. You're really a Rick? Y-- of course I am --

I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. What? I'm an angry father, not an improvisor. Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers?

I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale.

Ooh, nice!

They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca.

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?!

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom.

Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

I love you, too, Terry.

All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here.

Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up,

Eh, I make my own stuff. So, what are you -- like, the devil? - What? Sorry? - I don't know. Store comes out of nowhere, all the shit's old and creepy. Are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun? Grandpa Rick! Hey, I'm notjudging. Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science. Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis.

They blew up,

Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time.

We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath.

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross!

Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. You got to get those seeds out of your ass. Oh, look, honey.

you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right.

Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Oh, Okay. l squanch my family. Uh... What? I do. l squanch my family. Stop saying it. Grass, Come on in, guys. The guest are having cocksquanches.

J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, J, Damn right, and I'll do it again, 'cause I am nice so I gots to win J,

but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell,

Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

then we can't get schwifty.

you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith.

I am a baby! I'm a baby now!

at our wedding and guess what.

Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go.

He's unavailable. He's... having sex with you. We get it. Grass, Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh.

- Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

AIDS!

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester.

JERRY: Try not to worry about it, Marty, You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. You're missing the point, Dad.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes,

Um...wait -- Did we have some sort of relationship with him? I think they're just like that? I think they're just good guys. Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

Oh shit.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad. You're a genius at that. Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter.

Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue.

Aah! Unh! Class dismissed.

I haven't learned a thing!

l'm Octopus Man!

undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right.

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth.

It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty,

Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us?

Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong?

All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up,

Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.

A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers,

You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!? Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry! Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll go home. What the hell is he talking about?!

I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did,

- I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying. - Summer! - Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there! Why do you hate me, Summer? I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet,

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '

What's that? Who's that baby? Marty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God.

Earth's on in six hours. Like we're not already under enough pressure?! - Whoa! Whoa! - Yeah! Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy. Rick, lce-T, could you guys take it less easy?! We've got six hours to come up with a song! Genius happens in the moment, Morty. Well, can we at least go get our family? You know, so we can take them wis-- With u-- with us if we lose?

Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.

and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit.

Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!

You fucking kidding me, Marty?!

You're scaring me.

Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves,

What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca. I'd like that.

Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir?

That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow.

Heads up, Rapists.

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat?

I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it.

What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't --

Well, well, well. Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty,

Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes.

How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife. So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes.

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve!

Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.

Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?

I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery. You're just a symptom of it,

BLANE: Maybe I don't need a new friend. JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need. BLANE: Need, or want?

- What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

Marty! What are you doing to me?!

That's right. What?! It's like "The Purge," Marty, That movie "The Purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night. l-lt's a purge planet.

Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what?

Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?!

Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President!

You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters.

lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity.

Welcome, Marty, Welcome...

Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay.

What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy!

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather. Out of my way.

She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to --

- Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome.

So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures?

Ooh. Ohh.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it... - Brad! Hey! - Yo. Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk, Cool.

I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one's bigger. This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob!

All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families.

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

"Cape Fear"! "Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."

Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me." Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically. No, Marty, Your grandfather is, indeed, in very deep pain.

Hello. Guess who just sold the apples campaign. Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse,

- Get out. - Um, what?

I do? Well, duh day, son. Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world,

Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!

The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!

To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us?

Good bye. Yeah!

Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see!

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention.

Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry!

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here.

Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

No, stop! Don't kill him!

Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god,

Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s? What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing?

l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.

Oh. Oh, my god, How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right! Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face like Wart from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee! How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there?

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

Holy shit.

Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,

Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi.

Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice.

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!

Red alert!

- We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is. Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50? Where am l?

They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam!

Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know.

I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest-- - Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.

We'll be right back after these messages.

Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time?

He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am.

No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.

Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under -- Uh, what? It was your job, Marty, - Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer. I got to back the "M" bomb on this one. I remember the conversation. We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man.

You really don't want to talk to me about this. Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what?

I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer."

Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty,

I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec. These are the forms for the employee health plan. All right, yeah, put -- put them on my-, eh. I just got bored. Everybody out.

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?

You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir.

Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh!

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery.

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special.

Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now,

Holy crap, Marty, you're right.

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

- Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither.

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!

Oh, my god, Are those...

lt's S-S-S-Summer!

Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh?

I'll be in the garage. J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J,

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor.

Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats, but you get -- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put them in agonizing pain, that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like,

Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?!

God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

Oh, shit.

please give me a call.

No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. No!

l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty,

Mi casa es su casa, dawg! All right! I like your squanch!

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!

I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you,

You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile.

We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

This disaster was an inside job.

J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops,

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

He's getting sleepy.

You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified.

Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it,

You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right!

The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa!

Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick.

Well, then I hate Christmas!

J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty!

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you.

Can I show these to you? Wow.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

1,2,3.

That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.

Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend!

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks!

MAN: It's a good show.

Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

- I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass.

Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,

Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?

Aah! Red alert! Ohhhhh!

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty,

Yeah, Marty,

Here's another quick mystery.

so you can make an army of your badass self? There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

Did he just say "Musical Reality Show"? Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all. Help! We should go get him.

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Guys, l'll choke up. I'll follow through. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay? Oh, we're well past that, Jerry. Come on, Rick, quit sk-- stalling. What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure.

Seriously, Rick?

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. ..

Red alert! Ohhhhh!

Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick.

What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!

Uh, morning, Frank.

My name is... Alexand--

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out.

- It's a different planet. - By the way, life on other planets exists. Don't let it distract you. I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale. Okay. Deal. All right, I'm gonna go to the roof and set things up, Marty, you listen to his tale. Okay.

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah!

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit.

2003 just called. It wants its easy target back. Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest.

Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

There was a seven-horse collision,

Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it.

In my butt?

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly.

undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.

You stay put, Jerry. I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch? Jerry, I believe that, if you hide by yourself, you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together?

Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty! Nobody's killing me...

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th, Deal. All right. W-well, come on, let's get going. Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. Washing dishes? No. The opposite. Can you fix it?

Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself.

Aaah! Holy shit.

That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on?

you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now, Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad,

Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern. And listen. Yes? I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life?

ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap.

Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right. All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium...

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Sanchez? Are you a musician?

Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions.

Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

I hate video games! You take that back!

Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here!

l've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises.

- Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones,

And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.

Run! Relax, Marty,

including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!

This isn't "Game of Thrones."

I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink?

Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth?

Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now.

Grandpa, go home and drink.

to the purely pornographic.

Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.

Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs.

Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out.

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage.

How?

They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family!

J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers.

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage.

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

I'm not looking forjudgment, just a yes or no --

What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing.

Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name!

I really appreciate you, Marty,

lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it?

So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid!

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon.

You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other.

The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older. What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.

God damn it, Morty.

and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now?

You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi!

However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "Space AIDS" as you put it. And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's,

We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool.

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty,

It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice.

Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties.

Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken. I am gonna go back to the room to finish my book. You should find that Lucy woman. But -- but -- You see, Jerry? May I show you something? Had everything gone as planned,

Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place.

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler.

with weapons made from t-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers,

J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

- Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.

I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird. It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Marty, Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins.

Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one.

The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all.

I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,

so no more alien prisoners and no more subterranean excavation without consulting us,

T-The red "X"! Red "X"!

That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it, and how do we spend the rest of it?

I wouldn't have gotten drunk.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

The body is decaying. The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train?

l'm -- l'm -- l'm --

We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith.

J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya,

And what do you do then? its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "

Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face."

Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected,

I like it, Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!

You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?!

The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations!

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe. FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe.

You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President...

We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,

This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back -- back w-w-w-when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps. Oh, boy, Morty. Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick.

Was I one ofthose guys? The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards, Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,,

Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school.

Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick?

How sophisticated.

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science,

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves.

It's show- ... time.

And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't. All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities,

you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

Hey, Rick. I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out? Whatever.

Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention, there are extensive medical records open on my desktop, and I trust you to confine your activities.., to the purely pornographic. Absolutely! Good luck. My god!

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic.

COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137, the council apologizes for its false accusation, and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council.

Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

Well, this won't do. - Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school!

I am not staring at you. I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. This is a candid shot. I don't require a camera so -- Sorry. Hi. I am not staring at you-,

Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Open fire! Aah! Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?

I don't want to go to the dance alone.

You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty!

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No!

- They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir.

We assume you are from a more primitive world, where men are still permitted to be servants. If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. He's my slave. He's my slave. He's definitely my slave. Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

Gosh, I look around this room, and I think,

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity?

- He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it! BOTH: Shut up! Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week.

I...am...finally complete!

So I've heard. Just fix it. I don't think the Gromflamites can track us now, but it looks like we're gonna be here for a while. Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it?

You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard.

Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened?

Stop it right now! Grandpa Rick, I like working here. You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes! So what if he's the devil, Rick? At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets. Buh-bye.

55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work,

Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar.

That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school.

Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles.

Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice. WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do.

Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.

I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently.

Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday!

Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty!

undefined Chris!

Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.

J, Everybody just wants to be free J, J, Look away from the sky J,

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought --

That's right, assholes.

Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast. Well, I thought I'd walk to the South Pole and do a little bit of exploring. Ifyou guys need me, just yell or throw something so hard that it goes around the world and hits me. Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world, Please, he's in the South Pole!

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.

That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together.

Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's --

What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside! You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!

Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please,

Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry.

- No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore.

You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together,

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.

This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys.

I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me.

"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom?

Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick.

you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck.

You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go!

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great.

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

Aah! Don't think about it!

Poor little Rickless bastards.

Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science,

H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone.

Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill Wow, you sure found this guy quick, Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective. Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick,

Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?

Hmm?

You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty? Any idea what that is down there? The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are. lfwe would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because y-- because you're so in love with school. All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty,

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks.

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Birdperson!! No!!

- Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah!

but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge. Here we go. Holy crap! Come on, Morty. Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned.

You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.

Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter?

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery.

Whoa! Summer?!

I was kind of hoping that I could get a selfie with you? Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse, Understood. D-i-i-i-i-ie! Oh, no, no, no! Why didn't heturn into a snake? Trade secret, Mr. President.

Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall.

Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc--

MORTY:

You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you. Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are. l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads!

it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

Whoa, man! What the hell was that?!

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with?

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

But let's make it interesting, Marty,

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!! All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob.

Why are you looking at me?

I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!

There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now.

How long will you be visiting Earth? Oh, we live here. We were just off-planet for a wedding. Go that way.

Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --

a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream.

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on!

100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures.

Happy to help... Rose.

Oh, my god!

Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke."

Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

What the hell?! I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right? MORTY: Jerryboreel?

- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas?

Rick and Summer of Earth, for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes!

I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad.

Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?

It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him? I'll do it later, Marty, He'll be fine.

Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you?

l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine.

"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story, to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it.

Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar?

Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine.

The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls.

Are you joking me?

J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J,

Ugh! Arrgghh! Ah! Uhhhhh! Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that...

J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J,

Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!

Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have --

Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?

Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids? I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food?

'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity. But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny.

Let's go. You will walk when it is time to walk. What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah.

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?

Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here.

J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically.

For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook. A-ho, ho, ho, everybody.

Fine. Sheesh.

What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported.

Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah.

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

That's Bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho? Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea,

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad!

Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure,

You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here?

What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Uh, sir? There's not a problem. What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it!

That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry.

It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here.

Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ...

It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there.

He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret? I told you -- l was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son. Everything cool in here, Beth? It's fine, Davin. Okay, cool. You know, we did something great today.

There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na,

Let's do this thing.

l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.

We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

- Summer! - Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there! Why do you hate me, Summer? I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.

Oh, I get it, Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back. Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables. What are you talking about? All this time, you've been thinking, "what ifthat loser, Jerry, hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" - Um... - Well, now you know. You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de-do.

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

You don't know me.

I'm sorry, Rick.

But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.

I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes.

having sex with you. We get it. Grass, Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh.

Hold your fire!

This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

Have fun.

But that's no reason to accept our fate!

Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes.

Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp-- I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man.

I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius.

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?

Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk,

and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

Jerry, get a job.

I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick.

Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today. RICK: You gotta be careful, Marty,

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh!

Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh...

Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey!

Whatever. Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses.

It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John,

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself. This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she's a marine biologist.

You haven't failed. People like Rick are making me obsolete. I mean, seriously. I may be "the devil," but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell, where everyone thinks I'm smart and funny. No! It's not fair. Everyone in this town got something they wanted from you -- even Rick.

That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more.

Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it? I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart.

Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place,

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator.

y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher.

Huh. Okay. I must say, Summer, lthought your grandfather's outburst would have disrupted business, but this is the best weekend I've had since Salem. Nice. "Wholesome Delight" for lunch? - Is that the vegan place? - Yeah, I love their soup, I'm kind of soup-ed out. Mrs. Tate, is it? What do you desire?

I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L"

Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to?

BLANE: Maybe I don't need a new friend. JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need. BLANE: Need, or want? JACEY: I've never been much forwanting. BLANE: Spoken like someone with needs. Oh, geez. Hmm? Uh, sorry. K-Keep going. "Jacey reaches out and touches his face.

Alexand--

I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me.

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah!

Oh, shit.

We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.

I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

I'm starving.

Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap! Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size,

Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head!

ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat...

Um -- Wow, Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer. I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that?

I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent.

You pass butter. Oh, my god,

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, "

We just have regular nipples.

Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!

I just sold my first pitch! Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!

but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick!

Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty,

And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse.

and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying.

Come on, Morty. Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty,

Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty!

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire,

What do you know?

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me!

we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!! Hey. Uh...

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal.

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,

What in the hell? Sex sells, Marty, Sex sells what? Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff?

Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on.

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation.

still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.

What the fuck is going on?

Ooh, am i feeling good,

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,

What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah!

I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs?

Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky?

I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.

Never in the house. That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.

I smell the violation of civil liberties!

lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, There's still fountains down there J,

Stupid motherfucker!

someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick,

there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh,

I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here,

Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?! Drop the gun.

So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s.

Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a --

The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god.

- A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream?

You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot.

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!

Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right?

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works?

I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty,

Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs.

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.

Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

Aah! My leg is shot off!

lfyou desire to kill me, I only ask you do it quickly. No such agenda, chief. We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir. We were just hoping to get on the roof of your lighthouse so we can send a beacon to my sister on Earth. - It's a different planet. - By the way, life on other planets exists. Don't let it distract you. I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale.

Jesus.

- Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing.

Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

I'm going inside. I guess this is what rock bottom feels like, Jerry. Ow! It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time.

Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.

What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!

Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in yourway? Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits!

Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick?

- You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that?

It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho! J, Oh, it feels good J, Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece,

How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff.

Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it, Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego? Well, you'd have to be pretty petty. But you'd still be the woman I married.

High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch?

Birdperson's big day, Marty, was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon against the Gromflamites!

Oh, my god,

Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m--

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you!

You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go. Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings,

You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya,

ALL: Ice-T?! That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it!

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

Oh shit. Oh shit.

Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick!

It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.

Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!

Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J,

Why are you doing this?

My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,

Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

Ah, Ah, Ah,

ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive.

f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf--

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me!

W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp,

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.

O h, my god! Aah!

Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.

it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "

- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker!

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em. Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone. No, no, no, no. Rotary. And pay phone on half. That'll keep 'em busy for a while.

Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying.

Hmm. Human music. I like it, Rick!

Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla...

Holy crap. I am winning a nobel prize. Come on. Time's up. I'm taming a lion. No, wait. There are film cameras. I might be a lion tamer in a movie. You get the idea. I work with lions. Ohh, we're not playing Yahtzee! We're playing Chutes and Ladders.

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time.

Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do!

Burger time!

Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree,

- English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.

Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid,

You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole?

Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice.

J, Look on down from the bridge J,

What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you,

Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news.

All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!

MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body.

That's Jack and Fabrizio. This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened,

Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn.

and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses,

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon."

I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.

I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh?

Good birdie.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --

- JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell?

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh.

Get in the goddamn ship!!

Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical?

Maybe we'll see Chewbacca. I'd like that.

J, Don't leave me J,

Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally. Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties.

Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank.

My lust! My greed!

You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.

Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car.

Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable.

In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here?

I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart.

What's your problem? They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads.

Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.

I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road!

Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now. This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness, so we are forced to improvise.

Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.

God damn it! God damn it!!

Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51.

Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

But we do howl We do now, sucka!

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here!

Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years.

Okay, hold on just a second, Morty. Ooh. Ohh.

I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo!

and they love your Dad telling everyone Pluto's a planet because that means they can keep mining until Pluto goes from planet to asteroid to meteor, and finally... poof. Um, a party? ls everyone in your family an idiot?

There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers?

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around,

This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no. I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em. RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty,

S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories.

Boom!

l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school.

the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room, where he is currently fighting for his life. My god. Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved if we replace his heart with your human penis. I see. Wait, what? It's perfect.

Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that,

And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am? S-Samantha. Please, mister! Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all.

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker!

Here. You can have this back. You didn't use it? Sure I did -- to develop this. lt detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone," Ray Bradbury, "Friday the 13th" The Series voodoo crap magic.

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,

Are you kidding me?

Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three. See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right!

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to --

Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye.

My god, the man's a genius.

Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty, for them to work. Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?!

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal!

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child.

Look at -- look at this.

Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it,

- l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this?

Step on W We all got places to be! f honks horn f Son of a bitch. Oh, that must be where he lives. Okay. RICK: Huh. He's making himselfa sandwich now. Hey, everybody. So, this is my house.

You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much. Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller."

Yep. Oh, my god!

Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again?

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?

Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go.

They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb.

Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets,

He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you?

so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life? We only want Sanchez, si'r. Your family Will be fine. Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, Iike...an Appley or something. Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns? Yes. Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap!

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face!

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.

Well, this won't do. - Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy. Our pleasure.

Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.

It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles.

I'm gonna kick your ass!

Whoa. Not cool, Summer. This is a party. Everybody should be welcome. Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.

Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

W-where's my wife?!

This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow!

Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day. You just might. W-what do you mean? These are the Jerrys whose Ricks and Mortys never came back.

I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery.

I love it. Marty Smith. l'm Scroopy Noopers. I'm a scientist. Can I show you something? Uh, I better not. Right now. The center of Pluto, Mr. Smith, is made of a substance called "plutonium." mines like these suck plutonium up to the cities,

You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around! How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch! I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that!

But these gears just started turnin'.

Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system --

Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty,

You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once,

That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Holy crap! God damn!

Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?

Oh, my god, Oh, my god, lwish this desk was lighter. I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't --

Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, ..

And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

You got that right. But, baby, listen -- Y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to -- got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know? I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay.

Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.

My name is...

Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?

That's odd. This deer's wounded. Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off.

Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s? What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?

That's... stupid.

You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.

Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk!

Summer is doing really well here.

I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no.

It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy.

I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out.

but your guess is as good as mine, Marty,

That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed.

Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.

Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down.

Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now.

You're a great student and the fact that you're an 80-Year-Old man in a clone body, it never bothered me. But this here is another matter. You recognize this? We got a tip it was in your locker. Yeah, now, because the gym coach was a vampire, the school board is embarrassed and won't take it public. However, they can't have students killin' teachers. I gotta expel you for this one, TR.

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8...

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you.

l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth. In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.

Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing. Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean.

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

You pass butter.

Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you.

The galactic government considers us terrorists.

Alexand--

I always could count on you.

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth.

Have you ever been to a pizza contest?

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Wow ! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty, You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop, You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick.

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Aaaaaah!

- Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

Taco time!

Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world,

This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever,

...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!

Come here.

than live another minute with you!

f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted?

ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity, powering our homes and businesses, improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano.

And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

Here, look at my eyeholes.

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap!

Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer. Oh, my god, Toby Matthews is asking...

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

No! Oh shit.

J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it!

Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little.

Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific?

Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

How do you know about that? It's top secret.

Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!

I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks.

You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

- Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool.

science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now. Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it.

Come on, Morty.

No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas?

but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck.

Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.

has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is. Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break Mom's heart. And I won't forgive you for that. Where's the van, Marty? It's over the horizon in the driveway.

Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, "

No! No! Ow!

and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.

C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?!

Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married! I mean, what do you think's gonna happen if you open yourself up a little bit? I mean, look around. This is your family and friends all around you, you know? Take the day off. There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight. That's his last name. Are you hyphenating it? Squanch this, mo-Fo.

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8...

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick.

You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices?

We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Marty, They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay!

Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit.

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Noooooo!

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry!

He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.

Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait.

Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away!

A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,

including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!

"Bitch."

Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting.

Yeah! We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now!

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain.

The Mega trees?

I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job.

JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it. lfyou can find one, too, we should be safe for hours, maybe days! You stay put, Jerry. I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch?

Oh, shit.

JERRY: Try not to worry about it, Marty, You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. You're missing the point, Dad. I don't want girls. I want Jessica. Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica.

I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.

Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery. You're welcome.

We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

Boo! Not cool!

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch!

I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Did you get any ofthat?

Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

- Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry? Uh, almost. I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes. I'm sure it's good enough. Move! Every weekend, Jacks and Roses have their Titanic experience in this car, and lhave to mop it up, The floor drops out to make it easier.

I like that.

Doesn't matter. Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys chose? Doesn't matter. Breaking news -- Academy Award- Winning actor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown. Don't even think about it, Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry?

Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!

J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it!

we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts.

Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this?

Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385.

Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream,

W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

Me, too.

RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it,

but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here.

But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are.

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,

Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity. But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny.

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back -- back w-w-w-when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps. Oh, boy, Morty.

Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty,

She's aced every test in potato class,

You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?

Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter? Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention. To a conversation about vampires?! Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires, because I wasn't paying attention, which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role,

He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?

and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so." Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on!

Jerry, what are you -- what are you doing in here?

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff?

Pirates of the Pancreas?

Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being, I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality.

Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.

How are you today?

That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom!

Here's some porn.

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise.

We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that.

I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy.

What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league.

but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense! Or maybe there's only one deceiver here --

The factory tint setting is always too high! Out of my way.

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.

The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth.

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone?

MAN: Well, " omcial. The obscure planet known as Earth, formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist and fugitive Rick Sanchez, has fast become the 6, 048th planet to ]oin the Galactic Federation. The plucky little ball of water and d/rt, which is where it gets its name,

J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

Gone with the wind! Am I right?! lfyou don't like that one, Marty, an alt on that could be, like, if I said "Gasablanca"! All right, I'm done. Let's get to the Promethean Nebula, so my grandson can finish saving a life!

Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys? L-I-Iet me turn it up, tn the news today, this tooks a tot worse than it is. We ’re reallyjust having a good time. Karen F Thanks, Todd, Up next, are you a concerned grandchild or fast a buzzkill? We W te// you how you can know for sure. I think you two are a little outnumbered. Okay, well, what if you did it for me?

Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it,

Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry.

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race! Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.

MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say --

My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.

AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

where corporations use it to power everything, from diamond cars to golden showers. And the more we remove, the more Pluto shrinks. There it goes again. Just shrank a little. But a few years ago, your scientists noticed Pluto had gotten so small they couldn't even call it a "planet" anymore.

Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second.

No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,

Kill him!

G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked!

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?

I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed. Marty, take the wheel! Whoa! Whoa! Geez! Damn it, Morty! Who taught you to fly this thing?

Did you get any ofthat?

I assume planet Squanch --

Unh! Class dismissed.

Yes. Yes!

Oxygen-rich atmosphere.

Yo, this is why.

I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule! Nobody? Okay, tough church.

Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am -- Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody?

Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand.

I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry!

We're gonna just steal a couple of things. Excuse me. Can I help you? Starting with common office objects. Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! Such as staplers and pins and all sorts ofthings like -- such as that. That's it, I'm calling security. No!

Giant testicle monsters. We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him! How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean.

Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them.

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty,

What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat.

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty,

Plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home.

J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, J, Damn right, and I'll do it again, 'cause I am nice so I gots to win J, J, Break bread with the enemy J, J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with, l'll break who you -- J,

Does -- d-does that scan?

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh.

JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America, welcome to our Ad Agency. I'm Jerry Smith. All right. I'll just...get to the pitch. Um, simple question, gentlemen, what are apples? Excuse me. Ahh,

Oh!

I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick.

You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

Disqualified.

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!

Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath.

Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer.

Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

You listen to me, you son of a bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors. Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded!

That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family?

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that!

Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!

Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina.

Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.

Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son.

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J, J, It doesn't match your face J, J, Get them away, away from this place J,

- Wow! Look at all this stuff. - Yeah. This is me and my grandpa Rick's sci-fi workshop. Check this out. It's beautiful. You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you. What's that, Marty? I think you're the most --

Summer, I've always loved you!

Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.

Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood!

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave,

The most important love you can receive is from yourself.

Aah! Don't think about it!

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.

I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life.

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head. If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina, I might -- I'll take it, B-But I haven't even -- Thank you very, very much. Great store. Great place. Bye.

Oh shit.

the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk,

Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

You can -- we got Chabos and Flobos, and you can shoot thingsl Get over here! Play the games! Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets! "Ro y 2"just got here. Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick,

It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!

Yes.

What the hell happened back there?! This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

- Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay.

How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right!

He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now.

Sex is sacred!

You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power.

You know what? Screw it! I have a better gamble for you guys. I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys.

All right, I'm gonna go to the roof and set things up, Marty, you listen to his tale. Okay. "Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story,

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty -- one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they --

Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl!

This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention,

Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

I love you so much. Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here. No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human!

Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.

Marty? Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40. Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student.

But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real.

Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast.

What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn,

I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

- Good luck. - Thanks.

Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy,

I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new.

Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?"

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer.

l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh!

Gross. What is that thing? It's a courier flap.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car.

Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this.

I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica.

A price for everything. Oh, my god!

It's incredibly irresponsible. And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't.

And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, "

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean?

Are you kidding me?! Come on!

Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace.

O h, my god!

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach.

But you're not touching my crisper.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry.

You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral.

up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever,

Hey, what are you in tar?

Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math.

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later.

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is -- I'll take you to dinner. Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine. I can't take it anymore.

just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.

Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!

MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty? Oh, man, what's going on? Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Marty,

Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options,

Everybody stop remembering!

but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you.

Hey, you want to give us a hand with this? We're trying to figure out how to get the sound coming through the stereo instead of the TV, l-l-lt's very difficult. Oh! Uh, well, is there an aux input? We tried that, but there's two different colors. But there's two different colors.

TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys?

Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

He's a real piece of shit.

JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?! Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life.

Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!

We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.

I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye.

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

l'm Rick.

Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination!

Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff. Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well?

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves!

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life? We only want Sanchez, si'r. Your family Will be fine. Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

Spaghetti, kangaroos? l’ve gotta check this place out. Well, you can. Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details. Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect.

What? Why -- why me?

And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up!

lt detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone,"

Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware.

So what? BOTH: "So what?"

Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak, more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs -- one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory.

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

Was I one ofthose guys? The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards, Well... I got you pregnant.

and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful.

you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,

We're giving in -- to the power of the one true Marty, One day, he will return. TOGETH ER: Praise the one true Marty, Ugh. All right, Mortys, listen up, My name is Marty Smith, from Earth dimension C-137. I know you're scared, because /'m scared.

JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13. - Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s,

Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected.

like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um -- you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know? Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean...

Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you?

Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world, Please, he's in the South Pole!

Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill. Whoa! Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop,

Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Oh, my god! Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk? Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut? Uh, l'm...not sure. Exactly. Show me what you got!

Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son. Now, wait. Th-there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared 40 years of each other, mind, body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door,

they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right? ALL: Never.

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time.

Wait, w-where is that music coming from?

Title -- 'The End'... question mark." Wow, Yeah? lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it? Of course I did. You didn't laugh at the scene in the bar. l...thought it was funny, but I wanted to hear the rest. Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it. That's my note, you know? Please write more.

Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs.

Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out,

That movie sucked.

Yeah. Uh-oh.

J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho!

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god,

Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that!

Marty's grounded!

Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No! No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks!

See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns.

I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

What about weapons?!

So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life!

BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman.

Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!

I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved?

I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.

'cause I am nice so I gots to win J, J, Break bread with the enemy J, J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with, l'll break who you -- J, And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front. Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer?

Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved?

Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

The thing. The thing.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah!

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite!

/M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty?

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me!

Since when do you have a job? Since last week. lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character.

J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl!

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator.

I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what?

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could.

Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you.

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up,

The plot thickens.

Are you mad?! Everybody, in here! Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,

'cause cob planet is off the table.

Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty,

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow.

there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him.

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

He tried to kill himself.

I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture.

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged."

Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing.

Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn,

They live here now.

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still.

Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go!

Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?

And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom.

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself. That's how friends are. Or does he want her to himself? J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke!

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J,

These guys -- They want to completely remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart. And we just need you to sign off on it. What?! Uh-Oh. Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes. His penis will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic. Now, there's a wide range of options to choose tram, They're all in this catalogue.

This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent!

Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126? Uh, I'm not sure. Marty, Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket. - What?! - Way to go, Marty, Eh, whatever. - Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

Oh, man, Rick!

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow.

You eat our food and make gadgets.

D-don't dodge the issue, Rick! Selling a gun to a hit man is the same as pulling the trigger! It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted.

Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

RICK: Shit.

Where am I?! You're at a wedding. Go change. J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J, J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J, J, Fat beats and an alien smile J, J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J, J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J,

I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick?

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please!

l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

I'm scared, Rick. Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons, like that show "Doomsday Preppers." Not really my style, Marty, Besides, your home is most likely swarming with Ricks by now. All right, listen, Jerry. lf Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location. You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade?

Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man.

Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job! Seize them! Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer? This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay?

Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.

All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty,

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate.

Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target. Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax.

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J, Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive?

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it.

Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

He's just a huge asshole.

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please!

Oh, god, gross and weird!

There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us,

Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Ooh, nice! I think we'll take our food to go. No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer.

My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something?

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator,

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son.

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

you know, penis between my legs.

I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler?

Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else. Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick. Now's not a good time. Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go!

What are the kitties to do but buckle together and work as a team F Mrs. Sullivan, l -- please, forgive me for being forward, but your eyes are so beautiful. Wait. This is an actual movie? This fall, sparks Will fly... Mrs. Sullivan. Ohh.

I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty.

We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get --

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad. Let's find a control room or something. JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it.

I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency. It's, like, I'm trying to eat a Flimflam -- like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk. The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do.

Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination.

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No,

- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there.

I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith.

No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

This? This is a losing battle. Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married! I mean, what do you think's gonna happen if you open yourself up a little bit? I mean, look around. This is your family and friends all around you, you know? Take the day off. There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight. That's his last name.

Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries!

Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight.

No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Probably shouldn't be piloting a hovercopter, nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals and 12 million deep fryers, but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

l'm Octopus Man! l'm Octopus Man! I'm a marine biologist who was bitten by an octopus. And now I'm -- I help people. I save people.

I can't...| can't...

Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

l squanch my family.

What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's --

Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.

Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name?

Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.

J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man!

Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick?

All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one's bigger. This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob!

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, It's still raining up here J,

Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?

Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, man. I cannot wait -- I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this.

But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.

Pluto is... ...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet.

This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them.

You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles!

People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind.

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up. - Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss.

I'm fine! Oh, good.

Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home!

and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know?

I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What?

Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo!

I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you,

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around,

Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life?

Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!

Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was Kitt. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them.

I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

Shut the fuck up about moon men!

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate.

Now I'm hooked.

I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuffthem down and -- Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting. Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go. I'm not watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your medal's in the mail. - I'm gonna get a closer look. - Oh, okay, sure. And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain.

I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two?

But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times.

Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?

Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon.

I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me. Oh! Or don't. Hey! Don't! Please! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god! Now, I know I've said, in the past,

What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen.

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching.

...not a planet.

Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll, Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien...

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

clear communication.

Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

It's a good-a show!

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

J, Goes away in the end J, J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops,

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down? Well, it's bath, But most importantly, you got to relax. You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don't think this is working. I give up, I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here.

All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.

What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right? MORTY: Jerryboreel?

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son.

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

Good luck.

I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart. I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.

Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend.

Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence!

Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here.

Not on my watch.

Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone,

Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different!

It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn.

powering our homes and businesses, improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there.

and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker! Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something.

- I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go.

I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough!

J, Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo J, Boy, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Marty, A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction.

Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"!

Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Call as up and order some fake doors today. Don’t even hesitate, don't even worry, and don't even -- All right, I'm bored. Change it, Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on.

Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

I wish this knot was looser.

Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty, This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."

SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers! The party's squanching on at my place! Cool. I'm coming, too. Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy?

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man!

But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.

I love you, too, Terry. Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him. Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know...

RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!! All right, third time's the charm.

Marty! Summer! It's me! lt's Rick! Regular Rick!

Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...

Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah!

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty!

Oh, l-l get it.

Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean?

Let me ask you a question, Ethan.

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

Hi l’m a trunkperson, and i want -- i feel love in my heart, too, fast like you. i wanna be able to express that love with both a man and a woman. And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.

MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them.

All right, listen, Jerry. lf Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location. You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality,

Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick.

Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run!

You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy,

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Time to go home.

And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,

This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty --

What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?

J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel that I can see your soul? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J, J, I want it real J,

I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know,

Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah!

You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry.

J, It's still raining up here J, J, Everybody seems so far away from me J,

Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob.

You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuffthem down and --

Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty!

I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil.

Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes.

Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them. Assemble the troops. I've made a decision.

What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect.

Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs.

Jesus. Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants,

You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver. l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.

to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl. Gee, thanks, Brad. I throw balls far. You want good words? Date a languager. JERRY: Try not to worry about it, Marty, You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. You're missing the point, Dad.

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou!

we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide!

You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me. We're playing Yahtzee. Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. It's a fun game for fun families. Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second? it’s a 45-horsepower with antiiock brakes,

After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him. Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no!

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move. Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding.

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick.

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

all the famous ones... they're gone.

- Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide. Well, you can hide with us, Rick? - Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me?

f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry.

You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "

Run, Marty!

Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea.

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.

Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie.

I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God --

Slow down! My man!

But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?

What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god,

The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen.

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry.

Back the fuck up! Aah!

Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer.

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!

the fuel for accelerated space travel.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable.

I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself.

And if not, like you say, no more adventures or whatever. It's like that old song "Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop." Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares?

- RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!

But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy!

Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever.

Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? I prefer my own penis, and so should you!

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus.

Big tough guy all of a sudden.

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.

It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart. I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty,

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad!

Doesn't matter. Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys chose? Doesn't matter. Breaking news -- Academy Award- Winning actor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown. Don't even think about it,

My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are.

So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah.

Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah!

I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me?

Okay, if we add a little more titanium nitrate and just a tad of chlorified tartrate... ...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!

I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why -- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun?

- Hey, Marty, - Oh, oh, hey, Dad. Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me. Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again.

Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. What? Why not? Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice?

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!

Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here.

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.

Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world.

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.

Ooh. Ohh.

Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut? What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah! Come on out, Jerry!

All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes!

Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay? We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them.

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,

It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

- Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!

Oh, thank God, Morty.

What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!

I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business.

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.

Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty,

Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife.

Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie,

Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!

Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run! Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl. Oh, Jacob.

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick?

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather. Out of my way. Okay. lf sanity's been restored to this assembly, I'd like to talk about the cast of repairing our new organ.

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty!

Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you?

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah!

- No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Oh, no. He just got ran over...

l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick!

Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool.

so you can make an army of your badass self? There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

Spleen Mountain?

but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous.

We will stop bombing them, and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption. Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy?

Oh, shit, dawg.

I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me.

'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay.

What?!

Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Sh-sh-shut up.

You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging.

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho!

Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea.

Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system -- I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick.

This representation displeases me. Aaah!

After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Good bye. Yeah! We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now!

So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous.

Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here.

Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him.

Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

You would? Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh... we can't. Absolutely not. I'm s orry '2 We've been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us,

Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.

Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

- Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me! Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie.

I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J,

We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons. I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on.

Puh! This late?

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him?

That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!

Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh!

And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios, lthink. lcan’t-- l’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock because i can 't see anything. Our prices, lhope, aren 't too low Check out this refrigerator, only $200. What about this microwave F Only , 100, That's fair. l’m Ants in My E yes johnson, E verything's black.

on this robot's home world, which is... Gazcorpazcorp in the Andromeda system. Scoot, Summer. Don't you need a new companion now that Morty's in the family way? I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh. Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you.

Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about. Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour.

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

Jessica.

W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty,

Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season.

Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.

and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls!

W-what the hell is he talking about? They're free to go, is what I meant. l-l-l'm deconstructing our -- our -- our thing we say. For giants. Nobody got that? Whatever. Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working.

I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God --

Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty,

Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting.

and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.

Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty!

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke! Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot.

l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son. Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world,

I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers.

Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in,

He might have it chained up so that it doesn't eat the planet! Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs. He's probably racing to cure its space AIDS. - He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it! BOTH: Shut up!

Ohhhh, snap!

everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still.

Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.

J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal? Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god,

www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel. Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop, What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.

Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

you target-chest piece of shit.

Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting. Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go. I'm not watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your medal's in the mail. - I'm gonna get a closer look. - Oh, okay, sure. And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve. Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other.

We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed. Forget about the park, doctor! How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy?

Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good."

Goddamn it,

Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me!

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

- Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu.

Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high! Out of my way. The tint setting is always too high.

All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.

That's Jack and Fabrizio. This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened,

I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay. Hey, we agreed. Never in the house. That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh?

Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought...

There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline.

You're welcome. Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,

Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik

Disqualified.

Help me, please! You can help me!

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.

All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty,

Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

q-quickly?

Like talking to a brick wall.

www.rickandmortyadventures.

Mister, um, Goldenfold. You know my name? That's disarming. I also know you long for female company. You know, it has been lonely since the divorce. Some voids can't be filled with Jamba Juice. This aftershave makes a man quite irresistible to women.

Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb.

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are.

Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?!

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.

scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.

Oh, Well, when did this stop being Jamba Juice?

J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J,

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5,

Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous.

We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. Grandpa Rick, couldn't you, like, use your superknowledge to turn yourself into a teenager and come to our school and help us hunt the vampire down? Um -- Wow, Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer.

Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! WOMAN: In your face! Give me the gun, I'm not doing this in front of Pencilvester. Bring him to the garage.

It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J,

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!

J, These memories that we cherish J, J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right.

Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama '

I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife!

It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

Uhhh...

let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."

Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story.

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.

Oh, the Hulk. I just got that.

You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies.

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.

What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty,

Where are my testicles, Summer?

It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!

ALL:

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math?

Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible.

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal?

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,

I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized.

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.

When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick!

What the -- aah! Aah!

I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, Look at that thing right there. W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this?

I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty.

To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.

You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay. Hey, we agreed. Never in the house.

Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist,

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's --

Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster.

Seems good.

Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back!

Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me.

You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it,

It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not?

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see.

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Battle stations!

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once,

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?!

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me.

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!

Whoa! Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time. Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long? I don't know. How long do you guys want? A week? A month?

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now,

' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Show me what you got. I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty, Uh, where? The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you? Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh,

Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this!

lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look!

What the fuck is going on? He's got it!

Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby. It's okay. We're not gonna hurt you. My name is Marty, This is my grandpa.

Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream?

What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around.

W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell?

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart.

I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you?

Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve,

I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.

one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know?

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But --

you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.

She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.

lt's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.

This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!

your family, your leaders, but they're not themselves anymore. They're part of...it. Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.

Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat. No! No! Ow!

From Summer being a total bitch!

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

You son of a bitch! Eat this!

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,

once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12.

When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick!

Oh, geez.

Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta!

Well, I can't cure death.

Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty.

There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty!

Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit,

Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold!

Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing!

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here.

I love you. [processing, powering up f

not marry me F i chose Veronica.

Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo!

I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

Then I'll take one of those. I don't need the rest. God, whatever, Rick.

but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks,

Good afternoon. I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? I prefer my own penis, and so should you! The brave Earth man whose sacrifice is going to allow Shrimply Pibbles to live --

Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own? I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off, how would they find their butt person again? I don't know, Summer. I can't even hear the TV, All right, that's it,

God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever,

who would you guys chose?

So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather.

That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little. Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks. You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick.

That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me!

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, "

Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know.

Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face."

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here?

Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty!

I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

JESSICA: Come on, Marty,

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on!

It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am?

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis.

Oh, great adventure, buddy.

We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs.

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts,

And now we ’re back to "How Did / Get Here?" the only show that makes you askyourself, "How did / get here?"

That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare!

Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else.

not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff,

Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance.

I hope you had a blast. The galactic government considers us terrorists. lt's unwise of me to share these details, but I've become inebriated.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us,

Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after,

Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here.

Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

Uh, anything else. What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention.

You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie! Rick and Summer of Earth, for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- What, what, what -- a night on the couch?

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah,

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him?

Nothing gets stuck in your lips. It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.

Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch,

Hello. Guess who just sold the apples campaign. Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes.

And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute.

No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one.

So what?

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta,

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.

All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote. MAN: Well, " omcial. The obscure planet known as Earth, formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist and fugitive Rick Sanchez, has fast become the 6, 048th planet to ]oin the Galactic Federation.

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry,

- Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah!

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews!

Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama."

Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing. Then Jacob came into our lives, and...we're learning to live again. All three of us, Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there.

This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance?

but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all. What's that? Who's that baby?

Oh, yeah, distress beacon! Yeah, baby! You're excited about that? The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. 9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit! - BOTH: Whoa! - 1 out of 10 times, it's a deadly trap, but I'm ready to roll those dice.

No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be 100% honesty and open,

The nipple hole. It's beautiful. Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!

Are you? You're not. Or are you?

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one.

JERRY: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk. Jerry, get a job. Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry? You're the man ofthe house, and you don't have a job. Delivery for Rick.

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut? What the heck?

That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!!

You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son!

Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines --

RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me.

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

- Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out.

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty.

No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here!

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!

ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is...

You know what? l-l-l accept your call to adventure, good sir, kind sir. Come on, Rick. There's a giant in the clouds! Yeah. Beginner's luck. MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures?

You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board.

ALIEN: He saved my life. - What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart.

Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear,

Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee,

ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.

Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy --

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers.

I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important,

Is it autobiographical? Certainly. I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas --

Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna."

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J, Ooh! Ooh!

This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no?

Show me what you got!

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!

it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place.

I'm sick of being a human shield. l-l-l w-- I want to be a gardener! I want to write really crazy, intense action novels! I'm more than just a hammer! He is the one true Marty! Hooray! The one true Marty! Hey, keep it down!

You don't care about me at all! I'm no different than that jacket you've got on! Y-Y-Y-- o-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! l-l-l'm just an object! Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Marty, Now, for the love of god, be quiet.

How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe.

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young?

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother.

Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty,

Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty.

The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh --

Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.

I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you.

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat. No! No! Ow!

Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people.

Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster.

walking around.

I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe,

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

What are -- what are you, nuts?

Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah! Good lord. How did you...?

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us?

What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it! HEADS: Hooray! Yeah.

You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty,

Ethan?

What a waste of a monkey paw.

Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four."

I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone. Jerry, stop, please, okay? We weren't even supposed to be down here. Ifwe confront him about this -- Oh, my god! I love this. I love that this is how far you will go for him. You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a Lifetime original above a fucking alien dungeon!

Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison?

I'm gonna find some fuel and take a big, fat Marty, That's my new word for shit because of today's events. Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart.

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise.

and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.

Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it,

Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want.

Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government?

May I assist you with that? Uh, sure, yeah. Thanks. Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me."

Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought...

What?! Are you kidding me?!

Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie! Rick and Summer of Earth, for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long.

Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith.

At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent! A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?!

Get your shit together.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.

I'm Scary Terry.

Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty?

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?

Oh, my god! Oh shit!

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!

All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no. What the -- No!

Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it.

Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will...

That's all you are.

Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop, What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know --

Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you!

There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians,

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder.

Hmm.

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay?

Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty, Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty, That way you can, you know -- y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing,

Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.

Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works?

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people?

Morty...

All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

Silence!

J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.

Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote. MAN: Well, " omcial.

Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool!

none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid. Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV, and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being,

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit.

Ah, damn. We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons.

SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer. She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey. Shut up, Jerry.

I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy?

one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe.

lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas.

Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective. Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast. [ trifling f All right, l’m not gonna get him. [just learned a real valuable lesson.

"Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car. On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand.

Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth.

Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh?

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles?

W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now.

...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty,

I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No pun intended.

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick! Yeah, yeah.

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

Brad! Stupid!

Washing dishes?

Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick. ln here.

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa!

T-The whole house is sitting in another dimension! l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.

RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!

So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it?

J, Never leave me out J, RICK: Unity! Unity! Unity! How can I assist you? I want to talk to Unity, Beta Seven. I know it's in there.

I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys.

Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?

Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?

I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits! ...where the food is tiny. It looks like regular food, but really tiny. You can put it in your mouth and eat it. Nothing gets stuck in your lips. It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie.

No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk.

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.

Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast.

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done.

Are you guys Power Rangers,

Revenge. What?! MAN: Party! Whoo, baby! LINCOLER: Please, stop!

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

Sh-- Obviously --

You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture. You got that right.

Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.

J, Let me out, set me free J, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J, J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J,

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!

A list of fears and questions or a collection of real experiences? Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing. Then Jacob came into our lives, and...we're learning to live again. All three of us, Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?

Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.

Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle,

i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?

J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,

We got a bag of bobbish.

All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive.

Diabolic son of a motherf-- We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto." And a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry? Pluto is a planet. Well, how about that.

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What? For real?

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream.

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop.

- Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec. These are the forms for the employee health plan.

That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged."

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone.

I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians!

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified!

Run!

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?

Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say.

You did it again, cubbie. Come here.

Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody.

That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.

I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,

Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter.

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying! All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick?

Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty.

Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt.

What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on. - Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved. No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it, - Yeah, I did.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this.

Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land.

it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it!

Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J,

Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs,

Can you blame him?

Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.

Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet?

which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you.

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom.

You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one. J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J,

J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.

You stupid bitch.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer.

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay. You two call yourselves geniuses, but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you.

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

I'm peeing all over your special guns.

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, It's still raining up here J,

Summer's gonna like me again. Lincoler, come on! Let's get out of here! Mein journey is over, Marty, I have something important to tell you.

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through.

RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on. All right, I'm bored.

Now, pick up your dead self and come on.

I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing.

You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again?

Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know?

You know what? I'm taking this. How do you -- what is this? Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.

Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s?

MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth.

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.

Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.

Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go.

Jerry?

And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester!

I want yooooooou!

Yes.

Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.

FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed

Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah!

Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about!

Rick. We'll have two Bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is.

Get down. Hurry. Run. And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it. With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice.

No, no, no, no. Black people.

Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand.

because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting.

Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

Clever twist.

Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball.

It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.

but this is real science.

What the fuck?

It's our son with Albert Ein-douche.

Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most. Males... ...they get to play outside.

...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins!

Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch!

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things.

Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J,

Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.

Run, Marty! Run!

They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap!

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here? Okay, Jerry. Let's head home. I can't leave now. Everyone hates me. Unfortunately, there's no surgical procedure that can fix that.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!

Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty?

It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that!

Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space. Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space. Eight, personal space. Nine, personal space.

Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty,

And if you think my top is cute,

Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us, And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.

Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me! Just try to relax. You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!

and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice.

Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on?

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.

This is a fucking operation.

Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid.

Certainly. I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.

J, Cosmos without hatred J,

Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.

Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!

That is an original thought. MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty? Oh, man, what's going on? Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier,

Hold on, sir. Just a minute. lce-T survived. He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours.

WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie! Rick and Summer of Earth,

Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us!

I got news for you.

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.

"Jerry, get a job!

Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on!

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me.

Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting!

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah! Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind,

Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when yourworld is one. Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. Rick, when we met, l was a young hive mind with the population of a small town.

What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help?

Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him!

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad.

The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place. You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun. Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty,

Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty,

Pluto is...

Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you. l'm counting to three, Jerry.

I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?

Scary stuff, huh? Pretty freaky. Hi. I'm Morty's math teacher. I'm also part ofthe street team inviting folks to the church downtown so we can pray together. How is praying going to help? Ma'am, a giant head in the sky is controlling the weather. Did you want to play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house!

All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out!

Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine.

what do you think? You're fired. Wha-- But t-this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation. Well, then, it was a terrible simulation. Get out. Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?

No, you can't!

What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual.

Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,

I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue?

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?!

Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary.

That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch!

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain.

Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.

You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty? Any idea what that is down there? The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are.

- You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! This place is the worst! I want to go home! Well, it really doesn't matterwhat youwant, because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears!

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them.

All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird.

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith!

What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream?

Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling.

What, what, what -- a night on the couch?

Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something.

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?

Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life.

it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush.

Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,

If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train?

Samantha, I need to know that you understand that l have a couple of eyeholes.

You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up!

J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J, J, It doesn't match your face J, J, Get them away, away from this place J, J, Can you take me now? J,

Marty! Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty,

It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters. And then a giant tornado came. And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear. A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes.

Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are.

J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha!

What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit, - Smith family? - Yes?

What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty?

The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say.

Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.

It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline. All right, Rick, look -- how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us,

Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.

Bring up the holograms.

A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there?

Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense! Or maybe there's only one deceiver here --

Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up,

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

- Brad! Hey! - Yo. Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk, Cool. The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right.

Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets.

- Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me,

Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass.

This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy?

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her!

Are -- are -- are you people even human?

No, I'm talking about -- Yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you get to the dolphin people, you gone too far. All right, man, I'll talkto you later. Okay. You know what they do to third-dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever. Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life?

Aah!

Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real.

- You don't click on it? - No!

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!

Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson.

Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure? That's right, Mrs. Smith. Give in to your anger. Neglect that deer.

Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

NO wrong answers.

Huh. Big star in the sky. Oxygen-rich atmosphere. Giant testicle monsters.

the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy --

That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la."

Can't believe our daughter married you,

Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that.

We're gonna be okay, Rick. How?

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave. That is a hatch. Your father put a hatch in my garage. You don't know it was him. Anyway, we're not supposed to be in here. Obviously, neither is whatever's gurgling down there.

Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos.

Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse.

Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?

I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying. The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss?

What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals. Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job!

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

These halves don't belong together, bitch!

ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Annie. ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick. ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?!

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts!

Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J,

Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets.

Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

They could save the marriage of a dog and a bar of dark chocolate. They could save the marriage of a porn star and a porn star. Well, I know /'m ready to try whatever it takes. Which clearly implies that I'm not. It's not a competition, Beth. on is that how you're gonna try to win, by implying /'m competitive? lfthe shoe fits. My shoe fits up your ass. You wish! RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday!

Y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to -- got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know? I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look.

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible! Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats,

Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner--

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery.

These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke.

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

Oh, my God!

Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

I'm gonna find some fuel and take a big, fat Marty, That's my new word for shit because of today's events.

Did you get any ofthat?

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt --

He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it,

Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel.

Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

Kill him!

Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It."

If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

FART: The wormhole is 70 of what you call "meters" what you call "North" of what you call "Here."

Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy!

Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that. lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself.

Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this.

- Wow! Look at all this stuff. - Yeah. This is me and my grandpa Rick's sci-fi workshop. Check this out. It's beautiful.

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry.

I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical.

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh...

It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty,

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way!

It was?

You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite.

l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario -- we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty,

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!

the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it?

God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said,

Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two.

What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No!

- Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay --

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through. You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live? Stop asking! Yes, lwill! That's right, assholes. Take my penis. Take it all! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!

Pants!

f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours. Good luck, Mr. President. Sir, the magnetic poles are about to reverse. In two hours, there may not be an Earth to save. Sanchez? Are you a musician? l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51. People! Everyone! Remain calm!

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Gentlemen, gentlemen! One at a time! Simon? Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got --

You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"!

But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You."

Aw, Thank you.

Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game.

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

MORTY: Oh! Oh! Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people.

the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh.

I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell?

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.

Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you.

Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.? Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel. I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, but beyond that... I know you can do it, son. I think it's time I get a place of my own,

Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain.

What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

How did / get here?

that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot,

Dad, why does our house have blast shields?

but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.

undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry!

What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity. lt absorbed the minds of our people. We didn't notice until it was too late.

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Okay. 60 for the resonator,

Right now.

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space.

Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck!

Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong?

I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world.

Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class?

South Pole discovered, baby!

Leave him alone, Brad.

I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what?

Cynthia. . . JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her?

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

Buckle up!

I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity?

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you?

Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves?

I got this.

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you.

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

I hate acting. I hate cocaine. I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been. J, Give me a name J,

You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon.

Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas,

Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system --

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!

You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?!

Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.

Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History.

This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

Hey! - Hey, Marty, - Oh, oh, hey, Dad. Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.

Nice.

Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person!

Show me what you got! Uh...

Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec.

Yes.

Let's do this thing. All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty,

The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free. You're saying I should leave Jerry.

...Morty waves,

to run your car?

Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and l have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore Free-fi to Fo-home. W-what the hell is he talking about? They're free to go, is what I meant. l-l-l'm deconstructing our -- our -- our thing we say. For giants. Nobody got that?

Wait. Destroy it.

Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com.

And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am.

lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit.

Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space. " l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now?

Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many.

GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth.

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.

Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

That's... stupid.

It's a good-a show!

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l,

You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all.

You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.

The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who?

All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!

Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137,

He'll be fine. Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real.

I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure.

Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah!

Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right. Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes!

including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death!

I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right.

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures? No. I'd say, given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity.

you still thinking about taking that trip? Jerry, look. We don't have a perfect marriage, but I'm not going anywhere. When we were in that freezer, I realized the Meeseeks are like the guys I went to High School with -- willing to say anything to "complete their task." Was I one ofthose guys? The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards,

Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!

Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place?

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!

Stop asking!

That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets,

My man!

l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J, J, And everything is one in the beauty J, J, And now we say goodbye J,

Not my fault this is happening.

Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box.

We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that?

Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me. You know, parents are just kids having kids.

l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes! Summer's gonna like me again. Lincoler, come on! Let's get out of here! Mein journey is over, Marty,

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam!

J, Don't leave me J, J, Never leave me out J, J, Don't leave me J, J, Never leave me out J,

- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go!

[grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake do-o-o-o-rsi

Hmm. Human music.

I need food. Who's got food for that guy?

What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917. Cool! Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep.

SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem?

I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship.

J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward,

It's a good-a show!

God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch?

Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.

Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God.

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting,

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty!

I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,

- JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine. Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.

That's right, Jerry!

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done,

Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top.

Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die!

MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say -- you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck.

l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa.

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob.

Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty. Jerry, what are you -- what are you doing in here? I'm trying to find our weed whacker, 'cause our weeds are wack, yo. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here. l "c an't"? Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do?

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer.

'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me!

Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay?

You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.

Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool.

Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty,

What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it! I'm trying! It's too late. Ladies and gentlemen... don't brace yourselves.

You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.

Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

What you got going on there? Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over.

GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry.

Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker! Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful.

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure.

I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J,

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side ofthe screen like that? I don't know, Marty, See what else is on, huh? Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. " i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this.

J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!? Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry! Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll go home. What the hell is he talking about?!

So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse. So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere.

I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves!

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

I'll leave it at that. Fine, dad! Oh, he might have said to take it outside. RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god, Well, I did my job. Summer did herjob. Now all Marty has to do is finish listening to that tale.

Which is either code for crystal meth or a gateway to it, So we didn't do the kids any favors. So we should stay together for each other and ourselves, or... Or,,, Man, woman, and now Trunkman?

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6:00 pm, so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Oh, my god!

20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being,

Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun?

J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water...

It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah!

and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

Mm. I'm so proud of you, Lucius. So, how much did we make? "We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?

Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs.

Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here.

Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days. What is my purpose? Pass the butter.

Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,

All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go.

I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay? We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them.

Man, look at them go. So coordinated. What's your problem? They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads.

Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles.

Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J,

Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff,

I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying!

God damn it! God damn it!!

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right?

And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.

Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either

It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no.

You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

"Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell?

My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No! Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man?

Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray!

Pride cometh before the fall.

God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time.

Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should,

W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave.

It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty,

Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity. lt absorbed the minds of our people. We didn't notice until it was too late. The people it takes over, they -- they look like your friends, your family, your leaders, but they're not themselves anymore.

You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.

For how long?

I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax.

Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened.

They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends. I guess that's the end ofthat. There is just one more thing. According to this state's Veterinarian statute,

All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small.

Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him.

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes.

Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred.

Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

Look at this baby!

Oh, dear god, no.

Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things.

I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys.

Was this really the time to make that point, Summer?

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.

W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.

Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes. Oh, my Gad,

W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.

What? Why?

Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face?

And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't!

You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a Lifetime original above a fucking alien dungeon! Your relationship with your father is psychotic. Oh, listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person. Step out of your ego for a second and look at this thing -- it's a monster. He might have it chained up so that it doesn't eat the planet!

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever.

Asshole!

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him.

So, what do you think? You wanna... keep this marriage going a while longer? At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way --

That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community. May my chores complete me as I complete them.

Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,

Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!

I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender.

And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarcks.

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!

Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here.

You're fired. Wha--

- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens.

Oh!

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off,

No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,

I guess it's back to the drawing board.

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning.

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry.

And Tammy!

You have to get us the fuck outta here.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right?

SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?!

No! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering -- No, l'll G-- I'll get your info from Summer.

J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,

Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. No!

I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it,

RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god,

get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty,

I like your feathers.

No! No! Ow!

When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty.

There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system -- I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick. I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty,

Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty,

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.

- Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.

Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.

J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold,

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Oh, Morty.

Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these?

There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!

You respect me. Please, call me "The Devil." I'd rather not, actually. Yes, perhaps not during business hours.

You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep.

Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

BETH: So, Dad, guess what tomorrow is, Martin Luther King Jr/s birthday. No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy.

You, not me! You! - Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah!

Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am. Marty,

Oh, no. What the --

Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I --

Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty,

- Hey, Marty, - Oh, oh, hey, Dad. Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me. Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad.

See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing.

J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J,

MORTY: I don't know, Rick.

But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy. You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No!

let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends.

I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet.

Oh, Dad. What? For real? TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica.

Hey, these two freaks have no race! Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

Oh, he -- he's looking a lot better. RICK: Listen, Beth, don't torture yourself. I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale. ls, um, is he mad at me? He's not pressing charges.

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

What does that mean?

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves.

- Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry?

What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got. JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America,

Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck,

I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"!

Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J,

I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid.

Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it, God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky? Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things.

Ooh. Ohh.

She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land.

First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.

Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs,

He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!

Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know.

Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no.

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!

can you assimilate a giraffe? You're the worst! No, you're the worst! You don't support this family! All you care about is yourself! You think supporting the family is about supporting you emotionally... you've got two children being dragged across the cosmos ...because it's never enough, Jerry! ...by your dangerously ill father! And you force me to watch it happen... ...because you'd rather lose them and lose me... ...it's like to be afraid of losing anything 'F'

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.

It's a good-a show!

Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty,

No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame. My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey...

"Ro y 2"just got here. Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

Too fast.

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her.

Marty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Marty,

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five.

they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right? ALL: Never. Never. Back in a flash.

From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing --

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals and 12 million deep fryers, but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!

- They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

but the key is, it has to be our daughter, not this person she's become. We'll take our chances raising her without fancy new jobs, outside of a potato-based religion. And you know what? l-l'm sick of pretending that we're together because of the kids in the first place. I married you because you're the love of my life.

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend.

We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

Seven. . .

but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things.

can you assimilate a giraffe?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends.

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out.

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down.

But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then? its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

- What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.

Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.

Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen?

Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"?

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

- What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English?

Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years.

No. I'd say, given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity. But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time?

Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right.

Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

but I -- I think we have tojust... It's okay. This is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do? You're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon. So...? Well, don't different animals... require different levels of skill to keep alive? undefined Oh, god, Get the deer in the car, Jerry. Yes, Beth. This is why you don't freeze time, you guys.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,

Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little. Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks.

Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half --

- SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?

"Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo--

Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet. We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it.

Easy, Rick.

All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you, Oh, my god, you guys. I get it. You're afraid the big, bad hive mind is gonna steal your grandpa away. Actually, no. I think Unity's great and you're a horrible influence on it. What? This isn't healthy, Rick. You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know?

No! Get out of my head, parasite!

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship.

Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right?

They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards. COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137, the council apologizes for its false accusation, and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake,

Wait. What? Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine. And if not, like you say, no more adventures or whatever. It's like that old song "Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop." Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody?

Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars.

You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

It's too late. Ladies and gentlemen... don't brace yourselves. JERRY: No! What happened?! WOMAN: Their rail system must have failed. Totally gonna get laid tonight. I like your feathers. They are designed to attract the attention of the female.

Thank me. Thank you, Jerry.

- Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty, Gone with the wind! Am I right?!

But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty.

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,

Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty.

Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page.

J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre? Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you.

Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread.

The nipple hole. It's beautiful.

I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea, in the first place,

I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh, Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!

Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!

It's-a good-a show!

It's an obsession for them at this point. The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead ofthem. Aha! Here we go. Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips. RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all.

J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J,

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J,

It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby.

JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her? Well, if it's any consolation, Summer, none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid. Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV,

Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out,

Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh?

the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America!

Aaaaaah!

Summer!

The road your father and I walked together is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies.

You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty?

Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six.

This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that.

Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.

Our destiny is our own!

Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

gonna get a divorce? I think it's okay to dream, Marty, I'm gonna go make some wooden stakes.

I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people.

J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J, J, And everything is one in the beauty J, J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah!

My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.

Morty...

And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on.

Unity's not into other hive minds. It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven,

Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.

Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me?

You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.

Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.

He died.

Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.

I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four, the galaxy's most successful couples' counseling institute. They could save the marriage of a dog and a bar of dark chocolate. They could save the marriage of a porn star and a porn star. Well, I know /'m ready to try whatever it takes. Which clearly implies that I'm not. It's not a competition, Beth. on is that how you're gonna try to win,

Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

Look. This shit is delicious.

J, What have I become J, J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J,

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying?

Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty!

J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome! Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it!

- Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain.

J, Quasars shine through endless night J,

Just don't hurt me!

my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,

Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home.

but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Or maybe there's only one deceiver here -- The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other. Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick,

You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed. Forget about the park, doctor!

NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt"., Plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop,

Poncho, you son of a bitch!

Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.

Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool!

Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out!

I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman!

RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that.

Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,

more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs -- one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory. I'm gonna miss you, Snowball.

You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Oh. Oh, my god,

Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together.

Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can --

J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him,

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating!

Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl!

Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit!

Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit!

Still, what is he, 40? It's just, you know, when he was 30, she was an actual child. When he was her age, she wasn't born. When he was, let's see, like, 18, she was literally in there in yourwomb. Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that."

l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable.

Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do. Aah!

All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane!

It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat?

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get --

Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here.

Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this...

Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th,

My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering. Smith Jr/s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father,"

J, My empire of dirt J, J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J,

It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty,

You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man!

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go!

this animal can't be transferred until the current attending physician verbally confirms their inability to provide adequate care.

You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai!

Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

Spaghetti, kangaroos? l’ve gotta check this place out.

I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see. Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way. MAN: Actually, there is. Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke."

Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

"Fuck You."

So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet. Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.

Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps.

Ow!

J, And I'm gonna keep jazzing J, Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy. Our pleasure.

You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government.

Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley!

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it.

Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah! So...

I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch!

The young eat the old if you let them, Jerry. Pluto is a cold, cold celestial dwarf. It's a what? Huh? Oh, planet. "Pluto is a cold, cold planet." That's what I meant. Knock them dead out there, you.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires.

lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run!

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

There is just one more thing. According to this state's Veterinarian statute,

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!

Yes.

Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.

What the fuck is so valuable about you?

Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --

Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What? Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash,

Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Don't you want to make sure people know what they're getting? You're not intentionally selling... Beauty cream that makes ugly ladies pretty but also makes them blind? I find this all quite preposterous. Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh !

J, I can't be the same thing to you now J, J, I'm just gone J,

Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry.

Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please!

Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?

Show me what you got! Uh...

Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick --

Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting. RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card.

That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J, Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham.

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website,

Sex sells what? Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff? Hey, Dad. - God. - What's going on? Well, your mother and I are gonna be spending some time apart, Marty, And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy. - What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next?

Hold onl

- Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

A2, 3,4!

This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices? Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is.

Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude!

Thanks, Rick, but I don't know if I should. You know, you were right about the Universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place. Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know. This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Marty style. Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally.

J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

- W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me? Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes.

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ...

Get out! Get out!

And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.

Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then --

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run...

Oh, geez.

Hold on. There's more.

This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria, but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10!

Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it, Rick! Yeah, yeah. Hey, have a good festival, old timer. I intend to. Rick, unlock it! Just a second, Marty, Oh, look at that sunset. Stop screwing around.

See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh... we can't. Absolutely not. I'm s orry '2 We've been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us, but the key is, it has to be our daughter,

Get back! Wait, for real? You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around! How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch!

They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,

I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh,

Whoo, baby! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them!

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry.

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles.

- Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa!

Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe. FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful.

pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.

He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help.

Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

MAN: It's a good show.

This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!

Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty?

These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty! Okay, well, sometimes,

The nipple hole. It's beautiful. Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!

Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,

Oh...um... "Bitch."

Stop screwing around. There we go. Much better. Now we can see. Great. Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car.

they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything!

Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

So, we'll be detaching your sexual organ at the base by making incisions here, here, and here.

Aw! Squanchy! Is there a good place for me to squanch around here? Squahchy, you can squanch wherever you want, man, Mi casa es su casa, dawg! All right! I like your squanch!

What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,

While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new?

Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!!

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid!

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.

Answer me!

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.

Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun. Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,

You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy.

but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist!

Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain.

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.

You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch.

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth.

Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped,

Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right. Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes!

We're playing Yahtzee. Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. It's a fun game for fun families. Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second? it’s a 45-horsepower with antiiock brakes, and " the official car of "Mr, Sneezy 3D. "

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey!

Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip. Oh, hey, it's you guys!

Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J, J, lt's schwifty time today J, Hmm. Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job!

Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help.

Yes. Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?"

Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Outside? Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.

Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp--

Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person.

However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this.

Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up?

What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck.

f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital,

J, Don't leave me J,

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened,

Come on, Morty. Let's hit it, MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know?

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet. They changed it in 2006,

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board.

Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf--

I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!

Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry.

All right! I like your squanch!

All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!

Let's go down and check her out.

ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to. Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,

At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.

Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

And now the first kid is going to do something with turquoise. Which is either code for crystal meth or a gateway to it,

You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake.

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!

It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!"

Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what?

Oh, my god!

You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before.

l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks.

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship.

Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison? Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is --

My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

Marty?

Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty.

This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker.

but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick!

Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end.

Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down,

Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world,

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty,

Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa!

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me.

Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now. HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one...

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary.

Oh shit! The other collar!

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is,

Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride.

Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty,

You tried to kill yourself.

He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty,

I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Here's another slogan right below that one.

W-w-w-what is it?

and I am too young to drive!

It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants.

Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time.

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!

but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!

My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up,

SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what?

Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer.

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,

I'm a fraud.

We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Break the cycle, Marty,

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god,

Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired. Wha--

J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa! J, Ohh, it feels good J,

What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J,

Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.

Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities,

It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty.

- My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Something's gonna come through. I can feel it. I'm going inside. I guess this is what rock bottom feels like, Jerry. Ow! It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people.

Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.

Tammy! Caw!

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi!

Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea.

It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it?

Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds.

Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older.

Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants?

Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty,

All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously. Uh-oh, Marty, Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss? Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar.

Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

"We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!

Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion.

Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!

Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty --

grounded story about their shitty marriage.

But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!

He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all. What's that? Who's that baby?

Hello, there.

This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.

- My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry.

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight.

Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure!

Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal!

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects.

They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill!

It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself,

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs,

Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl.

I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy?

Is he going to die?

lfyou could all just stop screaming and chanting and making whatever that gesture means -- Excuse me. Come on.

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones.

Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things.

Marty, take the wheel!

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing!

Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.

That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.

We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing.

Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps!

Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out. Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on!

Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing. MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants,

I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.

lwish this desk was lighter. I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3.

We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.

balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft...

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife.

Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

Unh!

Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys.

He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Nojumpin' in the sewer.

I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty! The shoes have to be turned on!

Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?

Come on, Rick, quit sk-- stalling. What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over.

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah!

Huh? What the fuck?

lfyou love him, you should leave. And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

Index