Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler?
Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay, which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable?
Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days.
Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.
It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what?
Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery. You're welcome. RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick!
l'm -- l'm -- l'm --
Everybody over 30, do this with your hands!
Hmm. Human music. I like it,
Mi casa es su casa, dawg!
Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.
I-I'm sorry, Jacob. I-I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and origin of your relationship with my parents. Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son. Now, wait. Th-there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly.
Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!
Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here,
I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison...
I thought this was a commercial. What's going on? Relax, Marty, Don't -- don't worry about it, Let's just see where this goes. Step on W We all got places to be! f honks horn f Son of a bitch. Oh, that must be where he lives. Okay.
no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!
And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue.
We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.
Opium addict.
Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.
Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh!
Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster.
Hey, these two freaks have no race! Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.
J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,
Nice.
I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why -- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family?
Ooh, nice! I think we'll take our food to go. No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer. Fair enough.
Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.
RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!
It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living.
I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works.
Please! Please don't kill me!
Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?
Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off.
but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?
and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now?
Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds. They're -- they're incredibly powerful,
Oh, oh, oh, really?
That's the difference between you and me.
Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!
Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake do-o-o-o-rsi
JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired. Wha--
Run, Marty!
Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.
Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,
Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.
Maybe we'll see Chewbacca. I'd like that. What are we doing?
and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy?
Hmm. Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it!
SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing.
All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!
What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?
Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro! I can't believe she's here.
- Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?
What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.
J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,
Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head. J, Let me out J, J, What you see is not the same person as me J, J, My life's a lie J, J, I'm not who you're looking at J, J, Let me out, set me free J, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J,
lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.
Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!
You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.
What do you desire? Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items?
Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!
l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.
A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa."
Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke!
I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,
I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.
This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off!
I hate video games! You take that back!
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers,
I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart.
Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk!
Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do. Aah!
Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought --
South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better.
It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet? I can do whatever you do and more, baby.
white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!
It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '
All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me!
Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this,
Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]
We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath.
Here's my computer.
cactus, shark, golden retriever,
Buh-bye. WhOops. I'm sorry, Mr. Needful. l'll clean that up, I don't know what I can do about the ghost lady that came out of it, but -- It's fine. Summer, you know, your grandfather's right. This store curses people. That's my business. Well, yeah. Fast-food gives people diabetes,
is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh!
They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s?
Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!
tn the news today, this tooks a tot worse than it is. We ’re reallyjust having a good time. Karen F Thanks, Todd, Up next, are you a concerned grandchild or fast a buzzkill? We W te// you how you can know for sure. I think you two are a little outnumbered. Okay, well, what if you did it for me? What if you came with us as a favor to us because you love us?
FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle,
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd!
Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space. " l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space.
All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.
The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other. Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?
Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.
Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.
Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!
Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty,
And now the first kid is going to do something with turquoise. Which is either code for crystal meth or a gateway to it,
And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich.
Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!
I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith --
lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being, I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn!
Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.
Who the fuck are you?
I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own,
Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!
I like what you got! Good job!
Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.
Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!
BETH: So, Dad, guess what tomorrow is,
What do you know? He was right! Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second! Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?!
Their entire culture is built around their penises.
We're Jerrys. I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed. Marty, take the wheel! Whoa! Whoa! Geez! Damn it, Morty!
She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez.
Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now. HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one...
"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!
All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty,
l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer.
I ask you to do one thing!
After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Good bye. Yeah! We did it! Yes!
Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship.
...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out.
Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!
Great. Nice work, Morty. Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer?
Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on.
Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.
First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.
J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing. Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What?
Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously?
Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!
Oh, Jesus! Dale!
Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!
its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. " Holy crap. I am winning a nobel prize. Come on. Time's up. I'm taming a lion. No, wait. There are film cameras. I might be a lion tamer in a movie. You get the idea. I work with lions.
Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture.
What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you?
Good one, Morty. Excuse me, bartender. Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about and a lot of vodka.
And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it,
l-l-l understand.
Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!
C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?!
Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.
Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky!
What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going...
More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.
Red alert! Ohhhhh!
Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,
Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,
I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent.
These halves don't belong together, bitch!
A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.
Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options,
Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay?
Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo!
First, they take the dinglebop,
All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.
And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?
I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now.
It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!
You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery.
that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity. But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny.
WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold,
I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty,
Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside,
So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names?
Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray!
Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick?
What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.
with weapons made from t-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers,
Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.
Marty!
Dumb Name.
Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park.
Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this!
Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.
What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.
if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud,
What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?
l'm Octopus Man! l'm Octopus Man! I'm a marine biologist who was bitten by an octopus. And now I'm -- I help people. I save people.
ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency. It's, like, I'm trying to eat a Flimflam -- like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk. The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation.
Exactly. Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry!
Grandpa, go home and drink. Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age.
That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to --
Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery.
Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!
Whoa! What the hell?!
You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary.
Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay?
Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus.
You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.
just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser.
Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah!
galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,
You guys are doing it wrong,
Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing.
Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh!
This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,
RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones,
"Last Will and Testi-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House // "
JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. There already is no more bacon!
lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta,
He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low?
[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.
Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah!
All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!
Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty?
I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.
I am a baby! I'm a baby now! Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!
Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg. Just kind of hard to believe, you know?
You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.
Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick.
- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.
J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty,
The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage. JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit.
You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry.
Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo--
Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody.
But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what?
W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right.
Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.
Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high!
I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!
You stupid bitch.
So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes.
Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.
I love you, Jerry. I love you. TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Jerry, go ahead and sit there and put this on. This machine isolates the part ofthe subject's brain containing all perceptions of its romantic partner. And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life.
Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is.
More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!
J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!
balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders.
Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer.
Don't you want to make sure people know what they're getting? You're not intentionally selling... Beauty cream that makes ugly ladies pretty but also makes them blind? I find this all quite preposterous. Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh !
my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket. Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on.
Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight?
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Ohhhhh! Hey! Ohhhhhh.
Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!
Rick. Portal. Hurry.
Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.
Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.
Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black. Title -- 'three weeks earlier."' You really don't want to talk to me about this.
Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!
How did / get here?
I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick!
You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot?
Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah!
I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!
Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!
Oh, boy, Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers." I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.
Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.
Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.
Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when yourworld is one. Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. Rick, when we met, l was a young hive mind with the population of a small town.
Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!! What the hell happened back there?!
And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together. Get back!
I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say. It's not like I could've actually done it, lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it,
...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet!
I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life, you got to stop listening to yourself. Wow, You really are wise, Jerry. l-l-l guess that's why you work in advertising. The fact that you feel that way makes you the best Rick ofthem all.
Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers!
- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.
We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me.
Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.
You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch!
Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...
Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I --
Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic.
f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?
You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys,
The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid. Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair, so you can make an army of your badass self?
so no more alien prisoners and no more subterranean excavation without consulting us,
Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.
You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes. Would you relax, Marty? There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair.
Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!
I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J,
Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot.
No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.
q-quickly?
That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps.
Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!
This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.
W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night.
- English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.
I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.
Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!
ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity, powering our homes and businesses, improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano.
SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!
Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off!
You guys! It's gonna burst! Go!
Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?
Did you get any of that?
You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you.
Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me?
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!
ALL: Ice-T?! That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it!
ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.
It's a good-a show!
Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty?
How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.
Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay? We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though.
So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff. Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid?
Totally gonna get laid tonight. I like your feathers. They are designed to attract the attention of the female. It's working. Tammy, I should let you know I just got out of a highly intense soul bond with my previous spirit mate. I'm not looking to get into a soul band, I'm just looking for...
RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one.
Thank me. Thank you, Jerry.
I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.
Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch!
Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.
But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.
I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Whoa! Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!
and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no!
More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry.
It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!
J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J, J, All the moon men want things theirway J,
Oh, yeah, distress beacon! Yeah, baby! You're excited about that? The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. 9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit!
Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!
Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad!
Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.
To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years. Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J, Here's the deal. I'm not here to judge. I'm just a guy from another planet. But this girl is one of your poor people,
Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know?
Not my fault this is happening. Well, well, well. Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"?
Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.
- Brad! Hey! - Yo. Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk, Cool. The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right.
Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh.
Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me.
Oh, good.
And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night.
ANNOUNCER: Ina world where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents,
J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!
Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard!
ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat... ...liven Ow! ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great.
ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?
who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.
"Bitch."
All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room where none ofthe people whose stuff I stole can get to us, Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples.
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up,
- I'm gonna get a closer look. - Oh, okay, sure. And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve. Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit!
Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal.
l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right?
I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!
Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry.
My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty,
- Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.
This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,
Ooh, nice! I think we'll take our food to go. No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer.
More are coming.
We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass.
I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"?
Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season.
Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people?
Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers.
Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed. Forget about the park, doctor!
Top, My top!
Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama." So cute!
Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother.
You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage,
Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah!
The answer is don't think about it,
And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing.
lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.
Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand.
This here is my grandson, Marty,
J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J,
Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad.
Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.
Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?
RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.
It's okay! Never mind!
Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice.
But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right. Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes!
These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.
Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school. Owl, Oof! Ugh! Damn it! I'm all right. I'm okay. All right, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is?
PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children.
J, Everybody seems so far away from me J, J, Everybody just wants to be free J,
You got to get those seeds out of your ass. Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. What? I'm an angry father, not an improvisor. Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers?
l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!
It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J,
Okay, yeah, fine.
J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome! Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?
This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three.
Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on! Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go.
Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.
t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles.
Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship.
iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch!
- Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither.
Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on?
Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.
Did you want to play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house!
20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being, I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring.
Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh?
But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable.
Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.
Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem.
No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine.
No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son!
I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!
They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.
l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters,"
That's not a gun. That's the XP-20 XS, Ah! Oh, my god, I'm a good person.
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.
We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!
They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game.
Excuse me? ...five -- Sir? - Holy hell. - Sir! Hold your fire! What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government,
Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris!
Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry.
who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool!
undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.
What's he doing? What's he crafting?
I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth.
Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me?
Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means?
Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school.
Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick --
All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally,
Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel. I actually got that on another planet. So it is an alien towel to me. - Good luck. - Thanks. What is this?
Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run! Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl. Oh, Jacob. I-I'm sorry, Jacob.
Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick!
JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it!
You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine.
Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities,
And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect. Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? Yes, we discovered a species oftiny pig off the coast of New Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west. We'd offer you some, but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast.
you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?
You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger.
Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!
Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing?
You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.
I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day!
l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place.
J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '
Well, terrific. Dad, what's going on? What's the deal here? I just wanted to spend some time with my daughter. You're growing up so fast. You used to be my little girl. Yeah. Remember when we used to go to the playground, and I'd push you on the swings? Oh, you could push me higher than all the other kids.
walking around.
Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him! How are you today?
Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick!
i ll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other.
I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it.
You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty!
Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster! - I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying.
You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick!
I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this?
Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!
Good. Okay. Great.
Now, hold on a second! Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa!
You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me!
Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done,
Aah! Scalpel. Scalpel.
Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.
And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96.
an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs?
Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."
Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together.
Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!
They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Marty, They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay! What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got.
Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry,
That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here! Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name?
I can send the beacon, and your sister can launch our package. Just remember, ifthere's people in there and they try to purge us, we got to purge them first. We're not purging anyone, Rick, all right? W-Will you stop it? Marty, if we're gonna survive tonight, you're gonna need to harness your repressed rage. I don't have any! Spoken like a person with repressed rage.
But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone?
lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply.
Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just,
Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car. On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go.
Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?
"Get Schwifty" was a jam. Hello? Yes, sir, yeah.
South Pole discovered, baby!
JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them?
Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah!
You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie! Rick and Summer of Earth, for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to --
Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in,
- What? - This is rum raisin!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!
MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little.
but less off-putting. Oh, shiiit! It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson. Must be time for his annual Oscar party. And, by the way, our TV signals take light years to reach his planet. Nobody tell him that "Braveheart" wins. [music plays f Greetings, This is Birdperson. And Tammy! Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh!
Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern.
My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.
- Aaaah! - Holy --
Um, first of all, hello.
Oh, my god!
Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith!
I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us,
I'm fine! Oh, good.
so you're welcome. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, thank you guys so much. It's a real treat to be raised by parents that forced themselves to be together instead of being happy.
Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds. They're -- they're incredibly powerful, and I need them to help me with my research, Marty, Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.
All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way.
You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun?
Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks.
Why am I always your go-to?
For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.
JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.
Grandpa Rick, where are we going? Well, obviously, Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar? Ticketmaster. Oh, there -- there we go, Summer. Hey -- hey, brother. Hey, bra,
What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey?
Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what.
Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever.
Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute.
How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean.
Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today.
You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.
Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me.
J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look!
There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry.
Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy. You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a --
Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!
Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.
Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.
Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you?
Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!
to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl. Gee, thanks, Brad. I throw balls far. You want good words? Date a languager. JERRY: Try not to worry about it, Marty, You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. You're missing the point, Dad.
Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone?
Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.
See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.
Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples.
Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that.
t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!
J, It's the, it's the J,
Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan.
l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them?
This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!
Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this!
Just remember, ifthere's people in there and they try to purge us, we got to purge them first. We're not purging anyone, Rick, all right? W-Will you stop it? Marty, if we're gonna survive tonight, you're gonna need to harness your repressed rage. I don't have any! Spoken like a person with repressed rage. I take no part in the festival.
Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.
Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!
Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way. MAN: Actually, there is. Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty?
Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars. I mean, wouldn't the cars always win?
Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder.
- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes.
My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty?
Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it.
Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you?
Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god!
Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!
so you can make an army of your badass self? There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.
Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?
Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.
And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,
Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!
I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller."
- Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue.
A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!
HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary.
Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!
Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!
Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on!
Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]
Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid!
doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right. I think I'm certain we're effed in the "A." Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do?
f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . .
My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else.
Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run!
you know, penis between my legs.
Never go in my room again. I didn't!
Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I?
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now. Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty? You really lucked out with Summer o-on that one. How are you guys not freaking out right now?!
Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,
Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?
You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit.
Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty.
And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four!
Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now. HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs.
Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!
The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all.
Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive.
Pull the fucking trigger!
LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry? Uh, almost. I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes. I'm sure it's good enough. Move! Every weekend, Jacks and Roses have their Titanic experience in this car, and lhave to mop it up, The floor drops out to make it easier. But now it's my turn.
Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick.
Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels?
What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting.
Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty, for them to work. Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?!
Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na,
Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.
Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out. You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship!
I don't know how this works! Help me!
Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!
No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla...
Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?
We're gonna be okay, Rick. How?
FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army,
Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. Oh, goody. From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species. One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god.
You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse!
I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name.
I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa!
Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore.
Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh!
MAN: Did you get any ofthat?
- I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass.
Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
J, You could have it all J, Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. J, My empire of dirt J, J, I will let you down J,
Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.
They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca. I'd like that.
I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
Get in the goddamn ship!!
I've been at parties where humans have held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front ofthemselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-And-So-Dick. I've got such-and-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh.
What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world.
South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!
It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty, Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher,
Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe.
It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is.
BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art.
Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it. That's my note, you know? Please write more. - Seems a little insincere. - What? No, You don't have to mollycoddle me. I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing.
I don't get you. This is the closest... I've ever gotten to this part of my father's life. I don't want to blow it. Okay, I get it. I'm cramping your style. You say you get it, but I'm scared you'll keep doing it. Look, here's some humans you can practice on. You must be Summer's mom and dad. We're Tammy's parents -- Pat and Donna Guterman. Hi. Beth. This is Jerry.
Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback!
It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J,
I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up,
At least we can agree on that. Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation,
I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!
Our pleasure.
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty!
but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.
Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?
Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --
Stop interrupting! The knives will --
Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide!
- Brad! Hey! - Yo.
- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse,
Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!
This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas?
You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters.
Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.
W-what the hell is he talking about? They're free to go, is what I meant. l-l-l'm deconstructing our -- our -- our thing we say. For giants. Nobody got that? Whatever. Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working.
"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs,
Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music,"
Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out.
That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day. You just might. W-what do you mean? These are the Jerrys whose Ricks and Mortys never came back.
Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space. " l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now?
which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.
I love you, too, Terry. Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him. Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know...
Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back.
A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad?
What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!
Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty.
Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man.
Dad, I'm so confused!
ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Annie. ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick.
If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.
Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.
Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense! Or maybe there's only one deceiver here -- The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other. Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick,
you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time,
the council apologizes for its false accusation, and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,
Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah!
Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves, and then worry about all this later? Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick.
Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.
I mean, I'm trimming the hedges, and these things are just hanging there. Was I supposed to think the poop bunny left them? Good one, Dad. Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello?
Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet. We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it.
yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed
mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.
You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world,
Your marriage can rest easy now. Jerry, go ahead and sit there and put this on. This machine isolates the part ofthe subject's brain containing all perceptions of its romantic partner. And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life.
Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow!
Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!
Ah!
Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No!
Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening. Well, well, well. Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"?
Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful.
It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this.
Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone,
Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but if Marty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, you know, kind of your problem, too. Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man.
Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why?
Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.
Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb!
Rick, Marty, lce-T, the timetable's moved up, Earth's on in six hours. Like we're not already under enough pressure?! - Whoa! Whoa! - Yeah!
You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a Lifetime original above a fucking alien dungeon! Your relationship with your father is psychotic. Oh, listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person. Step out of your ego for a second and look at this thing -- it's a monster. He might have it chained up so that it doesn't eat the planet!
I'm a member of this planet's top race! Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards.
Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay.
You're scaring me. Scaring you?
Aah! My leg is shot off!
Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!
Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
You drive a hard bargain,
Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!
Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes! Summer's gonna like me again. Lincoler, come on! Let's get out of here!
almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah!
Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!
Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.
J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,
AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.
J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!
Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move!
Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick!
- Um... - Well, now you know. You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de-do.
Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold!
Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?
Are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun?
I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die.
Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.
And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look!
l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!
Aaaah! The nipple hole.
Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...
Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!
What? Dumb. Bye. But Rick, Summer's just -- Summer's just a hyper-emotional, needy little -- what's the word I'm looking for here? Uh...human. It runs in the family. I can tolerate it, but I can't give a crap about it. Take a hike. Take care of yourself, Unity.
Mi casa es su casa, dawg! All right! I like your squanch!
You're scaring me.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue. Really? You're looking real good. Oh, my god. - Hey, Marty, - Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica. So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...? No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school. Cool.
Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.
and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker! Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something.
I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?
Man, woman, and now Trunkman? We know science has created men that have a trunk that allows them to have sex with both male and female partners. But we don't like the idea of these people getting married, Put a line in the sand, everybody. Vote "no" on proposition X W2. The act that says trunkpeople can get married, Who needs it?
Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.
I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards.
Since when do you have a job? Since last week.
It's a good-a show!
- Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty, Gone with the wind! Am I right?!
Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties.
Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing!
Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this?
J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty!
Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure,
D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy!
Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from?
There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!
It's important. Come on, Marty,
And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.
Jesus.
Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese? That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school.
A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty,
Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass.
Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!
We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.
Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.
you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh!
l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!
- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?!
But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right? Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance.
and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.
J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!
Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them.
Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick,
Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right. I think I'm certain we're effed in the "A."
Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou!
but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer.
Ooh-Whee!
Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity. lt absorbed the minds of our people. We didn't notice until it was too late. The people it takes over,
Fine. I'll just do it myself.
Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.
and you could save four billion lives. Yeah, you know, the thing is my Dad's reallyinsecure. Hmm. Funny. Mr. Needful, out of everything in the store, you'll never guess what we couldn't get rid of.
Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on! Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go.
Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!
Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony.
It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill.
Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty,
It's raining blood!
Well, you can hide with us, Rick? - Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me? Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods?
Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.
Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday. MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future.
making you look like a party clown.
Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps. All right, okay, y-you know, ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know? Look down there.
W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!
I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought. MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty? Oh, man, what's going on?
Now, where are these rich people? To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years. Wait, w-where is that music coming from?
Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own? I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off, how would they find their butt person again? I don't know, Summer. I can't even hear the TV, All right, that's it,
Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...
I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that?
I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise.
lt's Rick! Regular Rick! Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!
Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons,
Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody.
They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way.
Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Somebody dropped the dime on us. Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name?
MAN: And there's the approach. Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute.
You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.
Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin.
What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head...
They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick!
Call an ambulance!
Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it,
I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new?
Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer.
SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true.
South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying,
Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am.
You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this.
l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.
Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.
They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em. Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone. No, no, no, no. Rotary. And pay phone on half.
I'm feeling... Ugh. Oh, man, let me help all of you guys up. ALL: I'm fine. Do you know what I love about you, Rick? You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture.
I love doing cocaine with you.
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,
and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.
I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die!
We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.
You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,
Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter.
Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless.
Disqualified.
Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics.
Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire!
You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.
Oh, Morty.
And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.
Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.
Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white,
Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, J, Damn right, and I'll do it again,
Help me, please! You can help me!
Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding.
The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa!
Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt --
Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.
All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!
Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.
Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, "
and i really could go for some enchiladas.
I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender.
Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass.
Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster.
The citadel of Ricks.
Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves?
the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it?
Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.
Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out.
Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.
Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!
Eh, I make my own stuff. So, what are you -- like, the devil? - What? Sorry? - I don't know. Store comes out of nowhere, all the shit's old and creepy. Are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun? Grandpa Rick! Hey, I'm notjudging. Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science. Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis.
J, These memories that we cherish J, J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right.
I haven't learned a thing! Here.
Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!
Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!
Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.
Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.
It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops,
Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system --
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no.
Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness.
It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move.
Certainly. I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.
The configuration of veins,
i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff,
I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them.
Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam. Hello? Yes, sir, yeah.
So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing?
Aw, man. I really liked this life.
Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories,
Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.
Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick.
Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah!
- Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people? Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own? I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off,
undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot.
What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty,
Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.
Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable.
Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything.
which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth?
Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!
I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.
I'm busy.
We shall.
Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."
Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage.
Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years.
Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.
What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!
You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy.
- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!
I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.
My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,
Let's go. You will walk when it is time to walk. What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah.
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
The nipple hole. It's beautiful.
You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.
It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty,
Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan?
You ever see a line for the men's room? Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer? Droppin' loads. ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer.
Hey! Don't! Please! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god! Now, I know I've said, in the past, that math is important -- And it is! -- But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty, who I hear had a great party last night.
l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty?
I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay. Hey, we agreed. Never in the house.
I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours.
J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,
You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver. l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.
Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?
Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.
you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!
They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty!
Man, look at them go. So coordinated.
Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all.
Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!
Rick, Marty, lce-T, the timetable's moved up, Earth's on in six hours. Like we're not already under enough pressure?! - Whoa! Whoa! - Yeah! Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy. Rick, lce-T, could you guys take it less easy?!
Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat?
Here. You can have this back. You didn't use it? Sure I did -- to develop this. lt detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone," Ray Bradbury, "Friday the 13th" The Series voodoo crap magic. I thought you might want it so you didn't accidentally sell anybody, say-,
I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,
school is stupid. It's not how you learn things.
Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right.
Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words?
J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J,
Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going...
Oh, god, gross and weird!
No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me!
FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed
What a life. Did you get any ofthat?
l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick.
Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!
You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!
Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!
Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you?
Here 's my fingerprints.
Class dismissed. Geez.
Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah!
J, I love Marty J,
You guys are the fucking worst!
Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under -- Uh, what? It was your job, Marty, - Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer. I got to back the "M" bomb on this one. I remember the conversation. We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man.
You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.
What's new at school?
/'m the E yeho!e... Man.
So, what are you in for?
I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun.
RICK: Unity! Unity! Unity! How can I assist you? I want to talk to Unity, Beta Seven. I know it's in there. You're classified as a hostile entity, and Unity doesn't want to talk to you. I know your game, Beta Seven. I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in-the-wings shoulder to cry on!
Wow, What do you know? Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg.
I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.
Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh?
J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has --
Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland. Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent.
Mm, there is no God, Summer.
Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more.
and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach.
keep this marriage going a while longer? At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way -- Already lost interest. Get in the car. I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other.
Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?
Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,
Rick! It's a monster!
It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline.
Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!
Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.
This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible.
When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.
Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.
Pants!
which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.
Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.
RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty, I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let'sjust find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Marty, Proceed to the liver.
That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.
Not my fault this is happening. Well, well, well. Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty,
I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!
Jesus fucking Christ.
He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th-- but that's not how it went down! Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.
- W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me? Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes.
l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
1.77245385.
from his march on Flirk Blirk Square to his ongoing battle with heroin dependency.
Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah! Aah!
Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?
You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me.
Everyone has a plumbus in their home.
You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god!
- Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it.
Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop,
Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry. This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent! A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god!
LINCOLER: Please, stop!
Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?
Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker! Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty,
Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now. HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most.
What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants,
Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but if Marty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, you know, kind of your problem, too. Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man.
This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty,
I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks!
but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh?
Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas?
Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go! Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually.
endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away. Why not? I don't know. lt's Indian giving. A sophisticated predator, nature 's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill,
It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this?
And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.
Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure,
I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get --
He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now.
Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.
That's what I think of your crystals, Rick!
O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.
Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.
Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out!
You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty!
Marty, that's such a poor use of my time. lt's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver. l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty,
there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad? l'm ignoring you. Marty, if I can get to the top ofthat lighthouse, I can send the beacon, and your sister can launch our package. Just remember, ifthere's people in there and they try to purge us, we got to purge them first.
Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute.
Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster. Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship.
because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important,
You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself. This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she's a marine biologist.
Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat.
Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now. HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most.
The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train? Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go!
Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest.
See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.
Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see.
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,
And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.
Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.
I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.
Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond."
You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard.
Fuck Earth.
Hey, I'm notjudging. Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science.
I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern.
You animals! Animals!
The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god,
What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath.
6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at?
J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J,
Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.
This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else.
- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.
People like Rick are making me obsolete. I mean, seriously. I may be "the devil," but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell, where everyone thinks I'm smart and funny. No! It's not fair. Everyone in this town got something they wanted from you -- even Rick.
Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,.,
but your eyes are so beautiful.
RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop.
Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise?
Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.
Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my cahapes.
- You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!
The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius." Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick.
Rick. We'll have two Bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is.
Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why?
Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that.
Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!
Where are my testicles, Summer?
We'll be right back after these messages.
Why not? I don't know. lt's Indian giving. A sophisticated predator, nature 's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill,
But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy!
- Holy hell. - Sir! Hold your fire! What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government, Thanks to the skilled diplomacy ofthis mysterious space car,
Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit, - Smith family? - Yes?
Nice racket you got going on here. Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist.
Noooooo!
Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why --
Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away!
How long will you be visiting Earth? Oh, we live here. We were just off-planet for a wedding. Go that way.
Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty,
That's planning for failure, Marty,
Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it,
No, you didn't.
Totally gonna get laid tonight.
Here's another slogan right below that one. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.
What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.
Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks.
Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!
This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong,
Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run! Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl. Oh, Jacob.
I know your game, Beta Seven. I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in-the-wings shoulder to cry on! You are classified as a hostile entity. Oh, you're just loving this, mother-- this isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal.
Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.
Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?
But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!
WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave,
No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk.
- Do you love it? - I love it.
I'm gonna kick your ass!
We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie.
l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.
I'm a member of this planet's top race! Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me,
But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.
Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica.
I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese? That's it, Photos. Hard evidence.
When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo!
Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.
You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under--
What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this.
All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically.
After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait.
I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo...
You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!
Marty!
Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.
Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity.
Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp-- I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay!
My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."
Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!
Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!
- What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit.
Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty,
Ugh! Why are you fighting?!
Marty, Birdperson? You appear to be dying. I will make efforts to prevent this but can promise nothing.
Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun,
Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!
Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little.
I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying. The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss?
But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know.
Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.
From Summer being a total bitch!
I'm no different than that jacket you've got on! Y-Y-Y-- o-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! l-l-l'm just an object! Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Marty, Now, for the love of god, be quiet. The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy. You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty,
I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend.
RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation!
You know, you're not being very supportive of Birdperson on his big day. Birdperson's big day, Marty, was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon against the Gromflamites! This? This is a losing battle.
I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,
J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine!
Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh!
ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!
What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system -- I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick. I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty, Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them?
is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move!
Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.
Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!
A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers,
No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump.
Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty -- one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they --
Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck.
Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick?
What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor?
Tonight, the only adventure you're on is your cusping manhood.
Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling.
almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!
This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices?
All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship.
You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death.
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!
Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land.
Revenge.
Mmm.
but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years? Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub!
Good luck.
Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith.
RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all.
couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!
A whole world populated by intelligent dogs.
What are apples? Apples are food. And...when do we need food? When we're hungry. With that, I give you your new slogan! Well, say something! Do you like it?
Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did.
I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.
So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.
We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.
Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board.
you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th, Deal. All right. W-well, come on, let's get going. Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. Washing dishes? No. The opposite. Can you fix it?
we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite.
These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!
Come on, Morty. Let's hit it, MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know?
I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.
You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit,
I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation. More wine? I think I've had enough.
f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?
Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school. I hate acting. I hate cocaine. I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been. J, Give me a name J,
He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here.
Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick.
That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens.
Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!
Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister! Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already!
That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor.
SUMMER: Gross! Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know? Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with,
from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless.
Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!
I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying!
Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.
Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah.
Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.
You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.
You haven't failed. People like Rick are making me obsolete. I mean, seriously. I may be "the devil," but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell, where everyone thinks I'm smart and funny. No! It's not fair. Everyone in this town got something they wanted from you -- even Rick.
or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back -- back w-w-w-when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps. Oh, boy, Morty.
J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight.
Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?!
undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,
Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe. And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.
Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.
All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty, Gone with the wind! Am I right?! lfyou don't like that one, Marty, an alt on that could be, like, if I said "Gasablanca"!
No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy,
Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why?
You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie.
Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick!
Hmm. Hey, wait a minute. Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention, there are extensive medical records open on my desktop,
If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.
lt's-a good-a show!
Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back!
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ. Beta Seven, if my allies are a problem for you, perhaps our alliance is, as well. Our alliance is beneficial. When Beta Seven expresses concern, it -- it's only be-because -- RICK: Oh, snap! Powdered neutronium? Amphetetron?
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now. Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty?
You animals! Animals! Ooh, look who's little journey's come to an end. Take him to Pluto-namo Bay. You can't kill the truth, father. What? I can see you're confused. Pluto-namo Bay is a military prison --
Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head.
Leaving a partial length of severed urethra - To be threaded through -- Oh, you know what, I gotta -- I gotta laugh at myself here. I'm having a little laugh at myself because I just realized I haven't run this whole decision past my wife. Oh, Do you think she'll be okay with this? Oh, absolutely. Beth's automatically on board always with every decision I make.
Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this!
It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!
JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty!
Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night.
Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot.
Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
That's beautiful. You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man.
You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuffthem down and --
Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson.
like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?
You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad!
I was kind of hoping that I could get a selfie with you? Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse, Understood. D-i-i-i-i-ie! Oh, no, no, no! Why didn't heturn into a snake? Trade secret, Mr. President.
Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.
High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL:
Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?
You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves.
Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all.
MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad?
Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.
No, you won't.
Run, Marty! Oh, my God!
Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?!
It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' --
Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?
An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room, where he is currently fighting for his life.
J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,
T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.
Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist.
I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry!
But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!
Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,
They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!
Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true,
Marty, why? Why? Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard?
Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!
Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird. It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Marty,
From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing --
They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay?
lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.
Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.
Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.
The plucky little ball of water and d/rt,
His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.
Ah, Ah, Ah,
You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea.
We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!
which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.
- Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?
Come on! Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go!
Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.
Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?
What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room,
I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.
You're kidding me. Notice anything different?
I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty,
What are the kitties to do but buckle together and work as a team F Mrs. Sullivan, l -- please, forgive me for being forward, but your eyes are so beautiful. Wait. This is an actual movie? This fall, sparks Will fly...
Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league.
Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy --
Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more.
Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together.
Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting!
Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth.
the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk,
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ.
Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long.
Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch.
Now, let's go get you hydrated. Looks like we've got... haunted boxing gloves that wril make you the heavyweight champion in 1936, and then you'll be trapped there, winning the same fight for eternity. I can take out the "eternity" and the padding, and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens. Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby. How's business?
Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them,
Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow.
Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?
Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!
I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing.
Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.
Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that.
Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.
Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go.
I do. I do understand about your eyeholes.
Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead.
Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet,
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?
What? Why -- why me? Because, uh, you're --
You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty,
Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick,
Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week. Unity, could you get Rick out here, please? He's unavailable. He's...
Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
No!
So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures?
There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.
Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!
Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.
Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.
There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick.
You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake.
You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me!
Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson. Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.?
Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.
Ugh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Ugh! Oh, Rick. That was so bad. What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species,
You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl!
Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six. Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!
You know what? I'm taking this.
You don't know me.
Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell happened?
Yeah, you were saying that back -- back w-w-w-when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps. Oh, boy, Morty. Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick.
Rick and Summer of Earth,
l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?
Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow.
SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers! The party's squanching on at my place! Cool. I'm coming, too. Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy?
I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two?
I hear you, man. Cops are racist.
Hey, doc.
Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it.
ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.
I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know,
W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards.
Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!
Boo! Not cool!
MAN: It's a good show.
Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time? Tiny Rick, this conversation is gonna break my heart wide open. You're a great student and the fact that you're an 80-Year-Old man in a clone body, it never bothered me. But this here is another matter. You recognize this?
I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty,
T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too.
His subconscious is panicking. Run!
Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract!
Ugh! No!
And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.
Run, Marty! Oh, my God!
Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh... We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours!
almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,
Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy.
Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble.
The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What?
J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!
Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in yourway? Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits!
Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.
J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake.
Birdperson.
Uh, where? The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.
Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it!
J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has --
We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?
It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what?
I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted?
Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite.
lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind.
Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?!
H-hello? Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it.
This next one's coming straight from the heart. Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head.
Rick? You're not leaving, right?
Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game.
And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
Cronenberg Morty.
Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!
Is that still a thing? Hmm?
It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him? I'll do it later, Marty, He'll be fine.
Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan?
Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you.
Good. Okay. Great.
We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains.
I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!
Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.
Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.
Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill!
My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse.
We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.
What?!
W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.
You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure.
It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay,
Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!
and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.
Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it.
What kind of Christmas is this?
...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin!
l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.
Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.
Okay, this one's bigger. This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh?
Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses.
The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine.
Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer.
I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me!
Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit.
and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die? Don't worry.
Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean?
That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John,
Hmm?
Wow ! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty, You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop, You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick.
Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me!
Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!
you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.
Aah!
Fun facts about this one --
Get away from me! No! No! Help!
No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this.
Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand.
Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.
Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.
Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence!
J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?
Jerry Smith is a scientist from Earth, where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!
Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.
- I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person!
...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet! I'm an idiot, and I love my son.
RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!
Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!
South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh!
It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
I'm Jerry Smith.
Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol --
All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?
She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.
I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.
J, I can't be the same thing to you now J, J, I'm just gone J,
Can't believe our daughter married you,
T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue. Really? You're looking real good. Oh, my god. - Hey, Marty, - Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica. So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...? No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school.
Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel,
once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin.
Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting. Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go. I'm not watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your medal's in the mail. - I'm gonna get a closer look. - Oh, okay, sure. And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve. Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other.
It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know, gonna get a divorce? I think it's okay to dream, Marty, I'm gonna go make some wooden stakes.
I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society.
Uh, just so you're prepared,
Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk.
All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.
Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.
RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases? Hey, doc.
Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop.
What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim,
REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake.
Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty!
Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities,
Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!
Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop, What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know --
There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites.
it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about. Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family.
There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system -- I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick. I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty,
He's busy.
Wha-what do you want from me?
Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.
This is a Galactic Federation outpost!
Oh, geez, Frank.
Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you, Oh, my god, you guys. I get it. You're afraid the big, bad hive mind is gonna steal your grandpa away. Actually, no. I think Unity's great and you're a horrible influence on it. What? This isn't healthy, Rick. You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know?
As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.
We could be infested with these things.
You want to slow dance?
You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis!
Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!
and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,
No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor.
Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.
Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!
I always could count on you.
What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on. - Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved. No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it, - Yeah, I did.
Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases?
God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!
The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god.
Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!
I feel bad that they -- tht. Screw those guys. Ugh. I'll be right back. Don't waste your brain on those weirdos, Unity. They're no different from any ofthe aimless chumps that you occupy. They just put you at the center of their lives because you're powerful. And then because they put you there, they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right? ALL: Never. Never. Back in a flash.
Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified!
Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!
All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen.
Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.
SUMMER: I found jello. Can you sneak your mom's vodka?
Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that?
Pirates of the Pancreas?
Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.
God damn it, Morty.
but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!
Fuck 'em.
Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,
I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.
[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery.
What the hell are you doing?! Put it down!
- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.
You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know?
Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling.
Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty. I don't care about Jessica!
but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel. Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop,
Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up?
Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.
O h, my god!
Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son.
- Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager! Ugh! Arrgghh! Ah! Uhhhhh!
Guys, l'll choke up. I'll follow through. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay? Oh, we're well past that, Jerry. Come on, Rick, quit sk-- stalling. What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure.
Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?
W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible! Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats, but you get -- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put them in agonizing pain, that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker.
Boy, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Marty, A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction.
Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?
Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun,
Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three.
Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!
Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know.
Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.
- I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation.
What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair.
Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute.
Okay. Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight. Scary stuff, huh? Pretty freaky. Hi. I'm Morty's math teacher.
- l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated,
You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!
Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J,
Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle,
We should resume sinking shortly.
I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.
You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.
Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.
You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.
An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid. Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair, so you can make an army of your badass self?
Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up. - Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people?
Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole.
What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this.
[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty,
they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right? ALL: Never. Never. Back in a flash.
They took my portal gun.
the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy --
We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.
Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,
There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.
Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.
Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee!
HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!
Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car. On tonight's episode,
Spaghetti, kangaroos? l’ve gotta check this place out. Well, you can. Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details. Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect.
Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing.
- Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh! Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this?
Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do?
Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.
It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one. Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad,
Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!
I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. Well, I'm intervening.
JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist?
Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough.
I want to die.
This guy's trying to get out of giving away his penis! NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt"., Plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop,
All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick!
All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack? Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof. Eh, unless she has the flu.
What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down!
Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...
I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha!
What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion.
Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!
Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J, J, And everything is one in the beauty J,
Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane!
What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine.
What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die.
Hey, Marty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger? How do you feel about all these people that are getting killed today because of your choices? I did the right thing, Rick! Tell that to Gearhead's gearsticles. You did that! Wrong! I'd be playing "Roy" right now. At a certain point, my hands are tied, Marty, I can't believe Rick did this.
l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened, but I've never been able to participate. Happy to help... Rose. I love watching bukkake.
I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension.
Why am I always your go-to?
You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.
Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,
MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say -- you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good,
Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us.
That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!
Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?
cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now! Grandpa Rick, I like working here. You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes! So what if he's the devil, Rick? At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.
Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.
you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty,
Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks.
Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food.
God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!
We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.
Not people, Marty -- Mortys.
Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer. I'm scared, Rick. Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons, like that show "Doomsday Preppers." Not really my style, Marty,
You can't throw a party! Rememberwhat mom said? Yeah, if anything gets messed up, you and Grandpa Rick get punished.
Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain.
I don't give a shit!
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!
You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.
J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J,
My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad!
Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school.
But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty.
Oh, no. He just got ran over...
Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid!
Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa!
You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.
J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks.
D-i-i-i-i-ie!
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering -- No, l'll G-- I'll get your info from Summer. I got pregnant at 17. I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School.
Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl. Oh, Jacob. I-I'm sorry, Jacob. I-I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and origin of your relationship with my parents.
You fucking kidding me, Marty?!
Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!
There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally.
W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.
Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What?
Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit?
Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?
I smell the blood of -- whoop!
Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00.
Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass!
Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world,
You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out.
Aah! Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us.
Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream.
Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.
Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh?
I'm scared, Rick. Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons, like that show "Doomsday Preppers." Not really my style, Marty, Besides, your home is most likely swarming with Ricks by now. All right, listen, Jerry. lf Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location. You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade?
Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am? S-Samantha. Please, mister! Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?
Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses,
it's unsustainable. You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different, none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work. We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as,
Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet.
Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.
Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,
Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass!
Maybe we'll see Chewbacca. I'd like that.
Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing!
MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
It's a good-a show!
But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.
"Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word?
Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4! Rick, Marty, lce-T, the timetable's moved up,
Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now?
Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!
I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that!
and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now,
Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack? Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof. Eh, unless she has the flu.
Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!
Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.
WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?
Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.
We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?
The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!
Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is.
'cause our weeds are wack, yo. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here. l "c an't"? Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean? Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect.
You're not. Or are you?
Gone with the wind! Am I right?! lfyou don't like that one, Marty, an alt on that could be, like, if I said "Gasablanca"! All right, I'm done. Let's get to the Promethean Nebula, so my grandson can finish saving a life!
Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?
Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?
These guys -- They want to completely remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart. And we just need you to sign off on it. What?! Uh-Oh. Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes. His penis will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic. Now, there's a wide range of options to choose tram, They're all in this catalogue.
All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously. Uh-oh, Marty, Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss? Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty,
MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth.
Jesus.
Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.
There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him.
Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller." Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it, Wow ! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty,
Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!!
Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!
My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here. You can have this back.
But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real.
Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move!
It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!
Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.
What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!
Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.
Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast.
Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me!
This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?
We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out!
Oh, no!
You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"?
- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself.
Look at -- look at this.
l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits.
You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!
J, Goodbye, moon men J, All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly.
Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah!
Come on, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that. Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.
Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J,
Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!
This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise.
But that's the opposite of what-- Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything?
I am drawing a line, okay?
Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick?
And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.
Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.
Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.
Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance? Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time? Tiny Rick, this conversation is gonna break my heart wide open. You're a great student and the fact that you're an 80-Year-Old man in a clone body,
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.
Call me, Taddi Mason.
[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints.
Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh!
I thought you were gonna fly right off into the street. I used to pee my pants. I know, and now look at you! You have a job. You're making really good money. You're not paying any rent, so you have plenty of disposable income. Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up, Something's gonna come through. I can feel it.
It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say. It's not like I could've actually done it, lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it, but I -- I think we have tojust... It's okay. This is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do?
How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about? Just stay away from the coffee machine. MA M Calling a// Jan Michael Vincents. Calling all Jan Michael Vincents. ANNOUNCER: Ina world where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents,
Oh, what the hell?! I know, right? MORTY: Jerryboreel?
Unbelievable.
Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you. Jerry, it's your house -- whatever you say it is is how it is -- but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care, and even /naticed, Come on, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that.
Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines --
It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!
ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.
Oh! Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting!
Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy,
I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!
Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!
I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four, the galaxy's most successful couples' counseling institute. They could save the marriage of a dog and a bar of dark chocolate. They could save the marriage of a porn star and a porn star. Well, I know /'m ready to try whatever it takes. Which clearly implies that I'm not. It's not a competition, Beth. on is that how you're gonna try to win,
J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J, J, Goes away in the end J, J, You could have it all J,
"We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!
- We're tourists. - Not anymore.
Yeah, Grandpa, way to go.
That's Bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho? Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea,
Get out! Get out!
These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?!
I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't! What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.
I, um -- Jerry and I were looking for our weed whacker and found your subterranean lair and your alien prisoner, and he got away. And I know I sound like mom, but I can't sacrifice this whole family's safety just because I'm afraid you'll leave again,
Holy cow, Rick.
You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly.
I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!
He recognizes the other dogs on TV, J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
You don't know me!
J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot.
Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?
You want to check it out?
Quite an operation you got going here, Une.
Your failures are your own, old man.
Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business.
and spirit, sa ve me.
Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before.
I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting,
Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week.
They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.
You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--
My foot is stuck.
Hey, we agreed. Never in the house. That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here?
Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.
You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!
undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it,
Hi l’m a trunkperson, and i want -- i feel love in my heart, too, fast like you. i wanna be able to express that love with both a man and a woman. And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.
Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,
Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him?
You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected.
No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f
There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.
So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out. You know what? I'm taking this.
Gentlemen, gentlemen! One at a time! Simon? Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass.
- How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful.
That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land.
Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!
J, And the gears, they turned for a thousand years J, J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father.
Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!
rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp.
we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide!
You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.
Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.
Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me.
Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.
Hi, Frank. Aah! Scalpel. Scalpel. Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him.
That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.
Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?
Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field,
BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman.
J, Lay it, lay it down J,
Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah.
Oh, boy, Morty. Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick.
You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.
Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down.
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now. Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty? You really lucked out with Summer o-on that one. How are you guys not freaking out right now?!
Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally. Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad.
What is my purpose? You pass butter.
Eggnog? Now we are talking!
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
How's business?
We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.
We just have regular nipples.
My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.
I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes. Oh, my Gad,
Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh.
Um -- Wow, Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer. I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that?
Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Outside? Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.
Here, look at my eyeholes. Oh, my god, You have eight eye ho-- holes. Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes. Yes, look through my eyeholes.
Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry,
In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel. So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved?
It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on!
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!
It's a good show!
We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill --
Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers.
Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!
Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!
Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure.
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick.
But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?
And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarcks.
I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch? Jerry, I believe that, if you hide by yourself, you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right.
Earth's on in six hours. Like we're not already under enough pressure?! - Whoa! Whoa! - Yeah! Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy. Rick, lce-T, could you guys take it less easy?! We've got six hours to come up with a song! Genius happens in the moment, Morty. Well, can we at least go get our family? You know, so we can take them wis-- With u-- with us if we lose?
I got pregnant at 17. I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't... I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth.
Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!
Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. Man, this place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found.
Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded!
ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.
ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby!
Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben. This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria,
Oh, my go--
Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!
an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!
and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me.
Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.
She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.
l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place. Here we go.
Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.
they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?
It's raining blood!
They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick --
Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry.
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer.
You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp,
with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.
You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is!
You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt.
l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!
Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast. [ trifling f All right, l’m not gonna get him. [just learned a real valuable lesson. l’m coming, Babylegs,
W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington.
J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.
And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart. You thought about getting an abortion? Everyone thinks about it, Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it, so you're welcome. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, thank you guys so much. It's a real treat to be raised by parents that forced themselves to be together instead of being happy.
Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad.
Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick!
You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.
Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!
Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?
But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What?
J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J,
Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread.
He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--
Summer?!
Saved your ass. All right, Morty.
Just follow my lead.
Later.
- Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry?
Where are we going? One last stop, Where's the helicopter? There is no helicopter. And there is no Cervine Institute. But the top deer surgeon-, I'm looking at her. Thanks for teeing me up like that. You better get moving.
RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.
Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?
Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?!
It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me." Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically. No, Marty, Your grandfather is, indeed, in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself. Come on, um... Birdperson.
After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice.
Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here!
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants?
but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.
Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim.
Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6:00 pm, so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children.
BETH: So, Dad, guess what tomorrow is, Martin Luther King Jr/s birthday. No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.
That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here?
Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.
Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful.
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.
You're just a symptom of it, Can I show you something? Morty, no offense... but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident. That out there? That's my grave. Wait, what? On one of our adventures.., Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one.
Man, look at them go. So coordinated. What's your problem?
but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters,"
Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.
You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over.
That's my dream! That's my dream.
Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back --
Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.
Let go of me! Marty!
Uh-huh. No, mother -- no. Earth, dude. No, I'm talking about -- Yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you get to the dolphin people, you gone too far. All right, man, I'll talkto you later. Okay. You know what they do to third-dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever.
- Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all.
Oh, geez.
and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!
J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.
What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!
All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane!
Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick. ln here.
They're not gods. All right!
did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient."
Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.
I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about.
J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns!
Holy shit!
Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.
It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick.
Hey, i 'm Stealy, Follow me on my adventure through this office. All right, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things. Excuse me. Can I help you? Starting with common office objects. Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! Such as staplers and pins and all sorts ofthings like -- such as that.
Martin Luther King Jr/s birthday. No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.
It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty,
Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right?
PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now.
1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics.
and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now, Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back,
Sex is sacred!
Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!
This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.
Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so!
Too fast. SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol --
W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off.
No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!
Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one.
Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!
The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified! ALL: Ice-T?! That's right. It's me -- Ice-T.
God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe. And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks,
And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there.
Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones.
This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay.
Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day!
You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!
All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years.
Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys.
Aah! Unh!
Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it, ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.
We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.
Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in,
You know, parents are just kids having kids. One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son. I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see.
Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice.
Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone!
Marty? Suck my dick!
Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this.
Thank you very, very much. Great store. Great place. Bye.
Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right!
This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things.
You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra,
Particle beam in a wristwatch, snake holster on the leg. I love this man!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!
Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear,
The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.
Uh, Summer, you can't have a party. Because I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't!
Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come.
And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am? S-Samantha. Please, mister! Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?
we can't. Absolutely not. I'm s orry '2 We've been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us, but the key is, it has to be our daughter, not this person she's become. We'll take our chances raising her without fancy new jobs, outside of a potato-based religion.
to support my wife,,,
You ask a lot of questions, Marty,
Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner--
Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40.
Unity's not into other hive minds. It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven,
I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.
But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff.
This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!
You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...
However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this.
Cynthia. . .
most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.
Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh!
Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty,
But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty, who I hear had a great party last night. So, class dismissed. You've got the day off! All right! Good work, Mr. Goldenfold! Yeah, get outside. Read a book. Put on some sunscreen, Danielle!
ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick?
Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies.
Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name.
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.
I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't!
l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ]
Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins! Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks.
One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here.
Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon.
I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.
Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?
Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson.
Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing.
So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!
Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat.
Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice.
Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.
Knock them dead out there, you. Pluto is...
But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen.
What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here.
Uh-oh.
Oh, my god, Oh, my god, lwish this desk was lighter. I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't --
Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.
- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me,
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.
It's all improvised. It's very funny.
Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time.
Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby. It's okay. We're not gonna hurt you. My name is Marty, This is my grandpa.
It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!
- I'm in heaven right now. - The best day of my life. So, now what do we do?
What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad!
Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done.
and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?
You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it,
He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.
Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years.
Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass.
Allahu Akbar!
Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty,
That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!
Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me.
Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap.
Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device.
What the hell, man! I liked her!
Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on.
However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "Space AIDS" as you put it. And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's,
Assemble the troops. I've made a decision. Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak,
Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.
You got that right. But, baby, listen -- Y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to -- got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know? I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay.
Poncho, you son of a bitch!
ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.
The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?
What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again.
It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage! Do you mean this? Summer for for the win. All right, that should do it, Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself. Whoa! Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time. Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long?
Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes!
You little turd.
Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.
Show me what you got. I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty, Uh, where? The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.
ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler.
I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me!
I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?
T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.
J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome!
It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!
Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?
What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed.
Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run...
What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?!
but this is real science.
High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL:
Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles.
Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.
- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.
Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family. And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter.
Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What?
Just hit a button, Marty! Give me a beat! Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick! Yeah, yeah.
I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry!
S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...
Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?
Ah, damn. We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons.
Welcome back to "Funny Songs." It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience. Um, longtime fan ofthe show. Uh -- What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music.
We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.
Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior.
Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on!
I need food.
Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here! Yo, ding-dong, we're done here. Time to go. Well, Jerry
but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarcks. But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other.
Rick!
A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare!
You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home?
Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!
O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!
Oh! This is my favorite part! Rick, are you really a musician? Who's not a musician, Marty? - Me! - Yeah, not with that attitude. We're in the drop zone! I'm the jumpmaster! My name's Jamey -- with an e-y! Go, go, go! B-but -- but we don't have a song! Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we've done.
Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Call as up and order some fake doors today.
You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone.
Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.
What's that? Who's that baby?
What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!
l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick!
that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity. But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny.
You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.
Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different!
I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so." Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on!
That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.
We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on.
l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival. Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!"
We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free!
Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet! I'm an idiot, and I love my son. It was a long six hours, but we've overhauled "Needful Things" into the globally-compliant web 4.0 "E-nomenon," n33dful.Com,
Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah!
So, what do you think? You wanna... keep this marriage going a while longer? At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way -- Already lost interest. Get in the car.
Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere.
Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them.
The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities.
Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you.
lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting!
We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things.
Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam.
i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town.
We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples. We got, uh, a -- crushed red party cups, 15 1/2 brapples. Welcome back to "Funny Songs."
For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?
that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures? No. I'd say, given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity.
Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!
My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot.
Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10!
That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel.
ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick. ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.
Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed!
All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back -- back w-w-w-when we first got arrested, but here we are,
lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here.
Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap! Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.
Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop.
He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no?
Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!
Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa! J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!
Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before.
J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,
Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!
We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto." And a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry? Pluto is a planet. Well, how about that. I love it. Marty Smith. l'm Scroopy Noopers.
can you assimilate a giraffe?
Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh ! That's beautiful.
Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.
I love this man!
What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!
This is not okay!
You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!
That's all you are.
l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.
Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills,
You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.
Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot! You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!
Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now, Ohh, man.
Ugh! Noooooooo! God!
God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
I love you so much. Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here. No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human!
How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right.
But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!
Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,
All right, here we go. Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?!
l-l can't leave school again.
It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus.
I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.
Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance? Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time? Tiny Rick, this conversation is gonna break my heart wide open.
Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha!
ALIEN: He saved my life. - What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" --
who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you.
Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look,
You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.
Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets.
Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three.
Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body!
E, Coli outbreak. Hurry!
The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!
I didn't peg Lucy for a rapist. What does a rapist look like exactly, Beth? Is it a Slavic man wearing a denim jacket with a patchy beard and the scent of cheap champagne waiting over his blister-pocked lips? What?
Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait.
Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,
We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons. I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on.
Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life.
Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree!
Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!
school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand.
but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering. Smith Jr/s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father," in every store and on everyone's mind. Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat?
You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,
You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.
What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing.
What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn,
Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.
- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!
Hey, Rick. You know, this whole time, I haven't once heard you say that "wubba Iubba dub dub" thing that you usually say. Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"
Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!
Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond.
Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,
J, Let me out J, J, What you see is not the same person as me J, J, My life's a lie J, J, I'm not who you're looking at J, J, Let me out, set me free J, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J,
I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.
Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing.
J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special.
Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick! Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh --
Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world.
We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!
Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this?
Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it,
Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks!
Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real?
You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with?
And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.
Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations.
ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.
Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,
But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!
I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason?
What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth.
Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him.
did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient."
List-- hey! Tw-- ow!
We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. Man, look at them go. So coordinated.
Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."
I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat.
...give you anything!
You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!
Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal!
lt's... G-Good job. Good job.
And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon.
Hey, I'm squanching in here!
Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,
This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Marty style. Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally. Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry.
That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!
Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!
He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.
that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable.
Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!
lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.
This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard!
undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry!
Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.
Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.
Dad, what's going on? What's the deal here?
Hello, Summer. Hello, Marty, It's okay. You're safe now. Unity? - Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing.
Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land.
Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this.
W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh?
Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different!
- don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.
What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. There you are, Marty,
Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real.
What's that, Marty? I think you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!
What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?
but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it,
i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up!
Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.
Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.
Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick!
f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell?
Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter?
This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps.
I know everything about everything?
Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity,
So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um --
You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged.
and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me!
How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah,
Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds. They're -- they're incredibly powerful, and I need them to help me with my research, Marty,
Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!
The general store ought to have what you need.
Lick, lick, lick my balls!
No, you were shot like 50 times.
iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on! Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go!
Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!
In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you,
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads!
We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there,
Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree?
It's important. Come on, Marty,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down,
Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President!
Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should!
No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa!
Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
- Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty,
Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"!
Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!
Holy crap, Marty, you're right.
Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website,
J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J,
Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah!
Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.
You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers!
Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.
What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah! Come on out, Jerry! Guys, l'll choke up. I'll follow through. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay? Oh, we're well past that, Jerry.
Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here.
Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry.
Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead.
Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
No pun intended.
Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty!
Aaah! Holy shit.
and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,
You're being very aggressive, Jerry.
So what? BOTH: "So what?"
lt's -- it's disgusting.
This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch!
He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot!
God damn it! God damn it!!
You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty,
Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that.
Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!
and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked. Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases.
f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!
It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!
Bring up the holograms.
Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!
No, I'm Mr. Crowbar,
Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh.
The Mega trees?
Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples. We got, uh, a -- crushed red party cups, 15 1/2 brapples.
Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.
This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks.
lfyou'd stop being such an evangelical atheist, you might start enjoying yourself. Whoa! Look at you! You're wearing the hat and everything! Here's yours! Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents.
It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants.
But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!
I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?
No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,
Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.
I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing.
Oh, my God, he exploded!
Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,
Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?
Oh, hey h-hey-y! Morty, Jessica, what's up? Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this.
Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.
What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.
You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.
CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly.
Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time!
RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry.
Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.
This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha!
The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!
You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only!
Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.
I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.
Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson! J, Girl, you got it going on J,
Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead!
Jan Michael Vincents are used up. I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent. Is it important that we know who Jan Michael Vincent was,,, - In order to get this? - Nope. I refuse to send the legislation that allows more than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct.
I like this name -- Fart.
You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.
Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures? No. I'd say, given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity. But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time.
The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations!
I got to tell you, this morning, I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.
I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!
then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Marty, I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart.
Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.
Ooh, am i feeling good,
J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.
- Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen?
Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention,
Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?
So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein!
What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league.
Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.
So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?
The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency. It's, like, I'm trying to eat a Flimflam -- like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk. The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy.
Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals.
Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917. Cool! Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep. This is where we're going? Nope. This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty,
Whoa! Whoa! What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children.
Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.
Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating!
You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10,9...
Stay.
No. The opposite. Can you fix it?
Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me.
I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.
Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '
Run! Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!
Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.
Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?!
What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you.
It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.
Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!
once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.
Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!"
J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting!
Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!! Aaaah!!
I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay?
I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday!
Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple!
Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime.
- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green?
You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra,
Ow!
Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty,
Yes! You did it! Yes!
Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know, gonna get a divorce? I think it's okay to dream, Marty, I'm gonna go make some wooden stakes.
And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes. Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time. Yes.
Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is.
This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance?
Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey.
Why does he have to go over there?
Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.
Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.
Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah.
All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.
lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?
Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?
Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.
I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it... - Brad! Hey! - Yo. Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk, Cool.
gonna get a divorce? I think it's okay to dream, Marty, I'm gonna go make some wooden stakes.
Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist.
You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him! No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.
Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick --
What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad!
The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!
lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but if Marty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, you know, kind of your problem, too. Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. What? Why not? Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice?
Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!
SUMMER: I found jello. Can you sneak your mom's vodka?
My name is...
Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.
And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.
Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh!
J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
Uh, sorry. K-Keep going. "Jacey reaches out and touches his face. It's clear he needs what she wants. She's a woman. He's a man. The city burns in the background as he takes her in his arms. Fade out. Title -- 'The End'... question mark." Wow, Yeah? lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it? Of course I did.
- I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person!
Okay. 60 for the resonator,
Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.
Like talking to a brick wall.
Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah! Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?
It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?
I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it.
Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right.
Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty.
I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!
You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik
And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,
I can't leave now. Everyone hates me.
Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.
Ooh, family vacation! Did you get any of that?
Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!
I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves!
Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!
Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.
She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to --
What the hell was that?
MAN: Did you get any ofthat?
The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!
Mrs. Tate, is it? What do you desire? Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,.,
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt.
Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.
Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap.
Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed!
Oh! Rick! Marty!
Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th,
and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!
It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man.
J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!
ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh...
J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.
And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon. I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS?
Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty? Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms?
W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but -- Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.
Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys.
He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,
Hey, Marty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger? How do you feel about all these people that are getting killed today because of your choices? I did the right thing, Rick! Tell that to Gearhead's gearsticles. You did that! Wrong! I'd be playing "Roy" right now. At a certain point, my hands are tied, Marty,
And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!
Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out!
Now I'm hooked.
What the -- aah! Aah! Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J,
E, Coli outbreak.
but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.
Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,
What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!
- It's my favorite song, - Oh, yeah.
It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine. Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!
Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.
Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.
This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.
J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,
W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
It's hard for people to grasp,
Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?
Marty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay! What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside! You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think...
"Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason.
Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain.
It's a good-a show!
I don't want you missing school on Monday. MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown!
They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games!
I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart.
After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.
Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up,
J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J,
This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea.
but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that.
Yeah. Uh-oh. Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?
Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on! Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go.
You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.
Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.
Oh, my God!
but your eyes are so beautiful.
MAN: Did you get any ofthat?
Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.
Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here.
Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!
7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad.
I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now.
But then I think, you know, in a lot ofways, l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth.
Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.
- Wow! Look at all this stuff. - Yeah. This is me and my grandpa Rick's sci-fi workshop. Check this out. It's beautiful. You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you. What's that, Marty? I think you're the most --
It's like "The Purge," Marty, That movie "The Purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night. l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?
Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him?
You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!
Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline. All right, Rick, look -- how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, Look at that thing right there.
You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!
Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos.
We can go into detail later, son.
PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there,
Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles.
Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?
Are you kidding me?!
Pluto is... ...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet.
- My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.
I'm a good person. No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f
Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak-ass time again. How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah.
We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying. The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty?
Something's happening to Unity. Do all of you remember who you are? Yeah, uh, my name is Ron Benson. I'm an electrical engineer, father of two, and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings, I'm a member of this planet's top race! Okay, that's good.
Remove my penis!
Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?
What's going on?
I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.
Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.
Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.
l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.
Losing him. Stabilized. Okay, I only ask, Jerry, because, as you know, my job involves performing heart surgery. Well, yeah, on horses. Excuse me? Okay. Let's not rehash t/ratfight, I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. Whoa! What is this on the floor?
I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants. Compliments of the Galactic Federation. I feel better. Your debt is 7,000 Fed credits. Report to the Ministry of Employment and you will be assigned a function. Honey! I got ajob!
Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. J, My empire of dirt J, J, I will let you down J,
You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty?
Head north.
- What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots?
Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!
I can't believe she's here. Well, what are you doing standing here, Marty? Go, Talk to her.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!
- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important --
Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,
Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, ...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass. Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J, J, lt's schwifty time today J,
I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus. Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think.
Oh. Oh, my god,
No! No! Ow!
How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine.
Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet.
J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right!
J, I want it real J, J, Are you afraid of me now? J, JV J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel that I can see your soul? J, J, Do you feel it? J,
Run!
What the fuck is going on?
We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff.
Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty. Ooh.
God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it,
Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,
Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse,
Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery.
MAN: It's a good show.
And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god,
- They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?
Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!
Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything.
I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be.
Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid,
You did it again, cubbie. Come here.
Boo, boo! Marty sucks!
Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds.
I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible.
J, Goodbye, moon men J, All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog,
Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...
It's a good-a show!
Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves Alan Jefferson or something like that. It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great.
What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Mein journey is over, Marty, I have something important to tell you. J, And the gears, they turned for a thousand years J, J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them!
Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?!
Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!
I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!
Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh.
ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves!
Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives,
Birdperson!! No!!
Here comes another funny.
Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!
Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob.
Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.
But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick.
Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know...
Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land.
and fuck me for letting my guard down,
It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!
Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race!
W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!
I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh?
Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy?
The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are. lfwe would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because y-- because you're so in love with school. All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under--
Alexand--
Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw. Mr. Needful, how could you even think of doing something so horrible? I'm the devil. What should I do when I fail -- get myself an ice cream? You haven't failed.
Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here. No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human!
You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.
Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, " ANNC)UNCER: More "Personal Space " next Tuesday at 8:00.
Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.
The galactic government considers us terrorists.
Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins!
Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists.
How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.
You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.
No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!
Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.
What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?
Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast.
J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.
Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica.
Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps! There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty,
Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting.
What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!
It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John,
Which is either code for crystal meth or a gateway to it, So we didn't do the kids any favors. So we should stay together for each other and ourselves, or... Or,,, Man, woman, and now Trunkman?
Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that.
Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!
Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate.
Jerry, go ahead and sit there and put this on. This machine isolates the part ofthe subject's brain containing all perceptions of its romantic partner. And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life.
Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.
And if not, like you say, no more adventures or whatever. It's like that old song "Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop." Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares?
Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.
You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.
I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid.
Give us one second.
f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital,
I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something?
Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.
Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.
but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.
Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump.
There we go. Much better. Now we can see. Great. Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst.
Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.
Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please?
And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry.
Nothing gets stuck in your lips. It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.
Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't!
"Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.
Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop.
Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry. W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.
Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday! Well, did you even consider how that might make me feel?! How you feel?!
Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?
in other opposite news, information. . . Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side ofthe screen like that? I don't know, Marty, See what else is on, huh? Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. " i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.
Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about?
Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc--
Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science. A man and his boy, making planets. Hey, how about we use a ping-pong ball for Pluto? And then Jupiter -- Uh, actually, I don't think Pluto's a planet.
We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.
Grandpa, go home and drink.
Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.
He'd like to be alone. He told me to tell you he's sorry you didn't have bad memories of him? lfyou love him, you should leave. And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.
and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.
I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.
Then I better crunch the numbers.
Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!
We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion.
What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out.
"I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.
I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.
You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together,
Show me what you got!
even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J,
Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.
Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl!
Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell?
Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!
Oh!
Rick!
Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!
Jerry, I'd love tojust kick back with a margarita and read.
a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind. I love you. [processing, powering up f
At last! Two heroes! You must help us!
Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay. You two call yourselves geniuses, but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree.
J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?
Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '
and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens. Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby. How's business? Here's the last of our inventory. We're going to file chapter ll and do some restructuring. Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit,
Oh! Rick!
Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.
All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad? l'm ignoring you. Marty, if I can get to the top ofthat lighthouse,
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
and clothing stores have sweatshops. Is there a company hiring teenagers that isn't evil? This is my first job. You've been nice to me, Mr. Needful. You respect me. Please, call me "The Devil." I'd rather not, actually. Yes, perhaps not during business hours. I told you, I want to file a declaration that Pluto is a planet.
Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow.
Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes!
And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no.
Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.
Too fast. SUMMER:
I got to tell you, this morning, I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.
Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?
Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day.
Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.
Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know, Are we sure we wanna look at our own alternate lives? You're right. Maybe we should just play Yahtzee. Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you.
Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.
Marty!
All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Good bye.
Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet,
J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!
I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians!
J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.
lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.
Title -- 'The End'... question mark." Wow, Yeah? lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it? Of course I did. You didn't laugh at the scene in the bar. l...thought it was funny, but I wanted to hear the rest. Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it. That's my note, you know? Please write more.
Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean. Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this,
The party's squanching on at my place! Cool. I'm coming, too. Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy?
It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God.
Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.
Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick. Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry.
I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?
There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not.
- Yeah! - Whoo! We did it! What do you know? He was right! Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second! Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?!
Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.
BETH: Coffee time! RICKS: Yo, yo, yo, yo! That's what I like to hear! Hi, Jerry. Leave me alone. I'm working. Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy, and then y-y-you help 'em?
What are -- what are you, nuts?
but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him!
Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real?
Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?
I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why -- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun?
What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty,
Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--
Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places.
J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No.
Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.
Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane!
Wow, you sure found this guy quick, Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective. Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick,
has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.
Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.
RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!
Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect. I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me. I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry.
Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes,
Come on in, guys.
Dad, there he is! Oh, god, Hey, stop that!
Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!
Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me.
You quit school, but you still got some learning to do. Aah! Unh!
Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.
We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore.
at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night.
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,
J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it!
Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,
Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.
Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.
You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp,
I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage.
Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.
Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?!
If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked!
Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.
I believe Birdperson can arrange that. Hey, Summer, haven't seen you at flute practice in a while. Summer, don't tell me you're friends with her. Are you kidding me? I don't even know what she's doing here. Whoa. Not cool, Summer. This is a party. Everybody should be welcome.
For how long? I don't know. How long do you guys want? A week? A month? Can we start cleaning the house and see how we feel?
Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse.
You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture. You got that right.
It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.
it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.
You know what I'm saying? lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but if Marty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, you know, kind of your problem, too. Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. What? Why not? Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice?
This is my house.
Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.
Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat?
It's the middle of the night.
Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.
but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!
He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty?
Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!
She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty. I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways.
Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure,
Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?
Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done.
but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.
Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other.
Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you. l'm counting to three, Jerry.
Forget about the park, doctor! How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy? Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged.
We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that?
Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick! Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has.
Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!
We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l,
I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.
Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir?
Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!
Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood.
O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here!
Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here.
Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?
I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick.
- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?
Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."
Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified.
Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed.
Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!
Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.
- I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying. - Summer! - Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there! Why do you hate me, Summer? I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet,
Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick -- almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!
Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi.
- No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!
Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty.
Try again and keep your head down. Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down? Well, it's bath, But most importantly, you got to relax. You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don't think this is working. I give up, I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks.
Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go.
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
I suppose, Marty, I suppose.
Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.
Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!
so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?
Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project?
How are you today?
iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--
Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different?
Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside.
I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.
Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!
I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power.
Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!
Nice!
Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat. No! No! Ow!
I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?
Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick?
If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina, I might -- I'll take it, B-But I haven't even -- Thank you very, very much. Great store. Great place. Bye. Huh. Okay. I must say, Summer, lthought your grandfather's outburst would have disrupted business, but this is the best weekend I've had since Salem.
Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.
Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad.
All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now.
What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school.
Whatever. Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses.
You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense.
Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.
Are you guys kidding me?
Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.
Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in yourway? Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits!
All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now!
Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something?
Okay, things are getting out of hand.
Washing dishes?
Oh! Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right?
Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ...
Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.
Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?
Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.
We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get --
JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them.
That's my new word for shit because of today's events.
Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.
W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.
Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it? I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart.
This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird.
- Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,
You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.
All right, that should do it, Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself.
What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds. They're -- they're incredibly powerful, and I need them to help me with my research, Marty, Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place,
Good thing I grabbed a space weapon.
Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed.
Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good."
So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather.
J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J,
I guess I should be happy for you. I mean, great, you guys got to hang out. I hope you had a blast. The galactic government considers us terrorists. lt's unwise of me to share these details, but I've become inebriated. I don't know if you can appreciate what it means to grow up without a father, but --
Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.
What? I can see you're confused. Pluto-namo Bay is a military prison -- a sort of play on wards, Did he call you "father"? Scrcocopy Noopers, the anti-planet nut job, is your son? The young eat the old if you let them, Jerry. Pluto is a cold, cold celestial dwarf. It's a what? Huh? Oh, planet.
Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!
Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving.
There you are, Marty,
- I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim!
I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little.
Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.
JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them.
- Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates?
Hey, Marty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger?
Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!
- Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither.
J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed. Forget about the park, doctor! How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy?
where corporations use it to power everything, from diamond cars to golden showers. And the more we remove, the more Pluto shrinks. There it goes again. Just shrank a little. But a few years ago, your scientists noticed Pluto had gotten so small they couldn't even call it a "planet" anymore.
And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat?
which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society.
Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.
Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second?
but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places.
Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged.
RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.
It's Hepatitis A!
All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.
Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!
Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs?
Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.
Whoa! What is this on the floor? Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea -- bad pitch -- let's put your Dad here. Let's put your Dad in a nursing home. We're losing him. Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps!
Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks,
Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick!
2003 just called. It wants its easy target back. Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!
He'll be fine. Let's go.
Nintendo, give me free stuff.
- It's a different planet. - By the way, life on other planets exists. Don't let it distract you. I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale. Okay. Deal. All right, I'm gonna go to the roof and set things up, Marty, you listen to his tale. Okay.
I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest-- - Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.
Oh shit.
You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time!
Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!
They live here now.
l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?
Yeah! We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now! Did he just say "Musical Reality Show"? Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all. Help! We should go get him.
Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?
Nooooo!
Lost a little control. Probably shouldn't be piloting a hovercopter, nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals and 12 million deep fryers, but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk.
I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me.
Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!
Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.
Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage.
Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god!
Heads up, Rapists.
Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up,
What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917. Cool! Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep.
the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad,
Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then--
Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.
Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!
Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless,
W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty,
Marty, nobody changed the planets. I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet.
Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,
No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?
You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.
ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch?
Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite.
Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns? Yes.
I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats.
What about...
uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty?
Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.
f speaking alien language f
Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now?
God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty,
lfyou could all just stop screaming and chanting and making whatever that gesture means --
What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!
Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.
My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are.
Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.
But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty,
...person and just let you blow up the whole world,
I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs?
You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick.
Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again.
Was I supposed to think the poop bunny left them?
Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.
Ooh, he's trying!
Just do it already.
Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty, Uh, where? The Pentagon.
Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby.
it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy. Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV,
Oh, way to go, Rick.
What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Outside? Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog!
Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table.
Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show.
No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here!
How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.
you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to --
Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.
Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you.
You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty, - It would go without saying, huh? - Yeah, it would. Did you hear me say it? Nah. The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown.
I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!
- Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.
Summer is doing really well here. She's aced every test in potato class, and look how important potatoes have become. She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew. Please help me. You can reach me if you try. Please help me! That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving. Taco time!
Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room?
Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud.
Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.
- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool.
I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!
You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.
You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!
ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.
- Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
Back the fuck up! Aah!
They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca.
Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit.
Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!
Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!
Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe.
He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?
f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry.
l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick.
Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.
Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.
Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother.
SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.
Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it, Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego? Well, you'd have to be pretty petty. But you'd still be the woman I married.
Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer.
You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty?
The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers.
Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name.
Do it! Do it! Remove my penis!
That's Jack and Fabrizio. This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened,
Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!! Aaaah!!
- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know?
J, Shit on the floor J,
You can't leave. You're 17. Yeah, and I'm not pregnant.
ANNC)UNCER: it’s the opposite news with Michael Thompson. Hey, everybody, it’s me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn 't get killed. He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba. in other opposite news, information. . .
So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby. There was a seven-horse collision, and Davin's there alone. Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin.
Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.
Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.
As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez. That's odd. This deer's wounded. Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun.
I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"!
Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen.
Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well? Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it, Rick!
but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside?
lwish this desk was lighter. I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3.
119/11s,
Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarcks. But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall?
ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate.
The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!
Understood. D-i-i-i-i-ie! Oh, no, no, no! Why didn't heturn into a snake? Trade secret, Mr. President. Particle beam in a wristwatch, snake holster on the leg.
Oof! Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers. Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick!
Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?
Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty,
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me,
I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!
Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!
Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?!
Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves,
Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.
You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.
I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty, Uh, where? The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.
You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.
- Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.
Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No,
What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to. Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!
I love watching bukkake.
No, no! Look, you idiot!
I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, Iike...an Appley or something. Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns? Yes. Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap!
Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now.
was brought to this hospital's emergency room, where he is currently fighting for his life. My god. Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved if we replace his heart with your human penis. I see. Wait, what? It's perfect. The configuration of veins,
Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!
or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen?
WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell?
You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird. It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Marty,
They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,
Brad! Stupid!
Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.
Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?
Pass the butter. Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose?
Yes.
Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!
Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.
You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don't think this is working. I give up,
Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on?
You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.
He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon or the tragic events of 652432,23/14,
Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't!
- I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go.
Trade secret, Mr. President. Particle beam in a wristwatch, snake holster on the leg. I love this man!
You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can --
All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!
Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed,
What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.
Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!
The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.
What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!
and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread.
I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.
I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.
- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it,
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time,
Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?
W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats.
Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years.
I think they're just good guys. Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!
Sally, the plate, please.
Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.
Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!
Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying.
What? Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what?
Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box?
Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!
Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!
Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!
Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.
Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.
The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."
Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife.
Disqualified! Disqualified!
Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes!
U nity?
Ow! I got to tell you, this morning,
That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?!
It's a good-a show!
Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.
W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty,
Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV, and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask.
W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.
I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died.
Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence!
Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins! Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat --
HEADS: Hooray! Yeah. All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J,
and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.
We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors. Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah!
Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben.
Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!!
that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier!
Did he just say "Musical Reality Show"? Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all. Help! We should go get him. I hope I can call on you and Rick again if I need you, Marty, Sure thing. And I -- I was kind of hoping that I could get a selfie with you?
I will be back soon, Marty,
Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew?
Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is.
What the hell?! I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right? MORTY: Jerryboreel?
It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.
That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!
Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J,
Wha?
He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.
Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!
I am here if you need to talk. I am here if you need to talk. From here, we dispense mechanical surrogates to maintain our population. Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most.
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife.
Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!
Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down.
No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?
Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft...
by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me. Oh! Or don't. Hey! Don't! Please!
They could save the marriage of a porn star and a porn star. Well, I know /'m ready to try whatever it takes. Which clearly implies that I'm not. It's not a competition, Beth. on is that how you're gonna try to win, by implying /'m competitive? lfthe shoe fits. My shoe fits up your ass. You wish! RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday! JERRY: Oh! Jerk. Don't insult my father.
Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream,
Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away.
Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years.
Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone. No, no, no, no. Rotary. And pay phone on half.
Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!
H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?! PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising.
Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!
Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance? I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. Ohh! No, Morty Jr.!
- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!
That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son.
Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married!
Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly.
I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen?
I promise I'll call you every day I need money or a place to do laundry. Aaaaaaah! So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle?
Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy."
Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance? I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. Ohh! No, Morty Jr.!
J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com.
J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J, J, It's a small, small intestine J,
now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,
Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!
get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him? I'll do it later, Marty,
It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.
Hey, Rick. I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out? Whatever. Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad.
and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now, Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh.
Oh, my god,
Dear god. Hold on, sir. Just a minute. lce-T survived. He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours. Good luck, Mr. President. Sir, the magnetic poles are about to reverse. In two hours, there may not be an Earth to save. Sanchez? Are you a musician? l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51.
www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years.
Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.
J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J, J, It doesn't match your face J, J, Get them away, away from this place J,
What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!
There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.
none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work. We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as, because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate.
J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?
So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging."
I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged.
Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.
It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty, Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty, That way you can, you know --
Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty,
How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly?
Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J, J, lt's schwifty time today J, Hmm. Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job!
You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!
than live another minute with you!
J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J, Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.
Come on, spit it out!
RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.
Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben. This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria,
Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend.
This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.
No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy,
Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad!
Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!
We're giving in -- to the power of the one true Marty, One day, he will return. TOGETH ER: Praise the one true Marty, Ugh. All right, Mortys, listen up, My name is Marty Smith, from Earth dimension C-137. I know you're scared, because /'m scared.
Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road!
Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.
Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,
I done been notifying you.
It's supposed to be romantic.
Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up.
Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no.
Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened,
If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school.
Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
Why not? I don't know.
That's... stupid.
Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!
Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married! I mean, what do you think's gonna happen if you open yourself up a little bit? I mean, look around. This is your family and friends all around you, you know? Take the day off. There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight. That's his last name. Are you hyphenating it? Squanch this, mo-Fo.
Oh shit. Oh shit.
Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!
Diabolic son of a motherf-- We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto." And a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry? Pluto is a planet. Well, how about that.
Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.
I don't think this is working. I give up, I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most. Males... ...they get to play outside. That was just a baby.
f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?
Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!
He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.
Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.
J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,
- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!
Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.
MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say -- you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck.
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.
Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?
I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS.
ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
Ugh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Ugh! Oh, Rick. That was so bad. What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors.
Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say.
W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now.
Maybe we'll see Chewbacca. I'd like that.
Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific?
I ask you to do one thing!
You are my seed, my worm, my earliness, and my lack of cats. I promise to be yours until your death.
Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk?
Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time,
Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!
Well, it really doesn't matterwhat youwant, because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?
Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!
Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry.
Did you get any of that?
What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!
Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids? I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food?
Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together. Get back! Wait, for real?
Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone!
You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school!
Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.
Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here?
You're a great student and the fact that you're an 80-Year-Old man in a clone body, it never bothered me. But this here is another matter. You recognize this? We got a tip it was in your locker. Yeah, now, because the gym coach was a vampire, the school board is embarrassed and won't take it public. However, they can't have students killin' teachers. I gotta expel you for this one, TR.
- Rick! - Pants!
U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.
they don 't allow for the sensation of touch, so i never know what's going on. Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know, Are we sure we wanna look at our own alternate lives? You're right. Maybe we should just play Yahtzee. Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness.
...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!
Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot!
Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.
Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!
Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.
You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!
Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty,
Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!
JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her? Well, if it's any consolation, Summer, none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid. Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV,
Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,
It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!"
You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!
Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J,
Oh, my god, Are those...
Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!
Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. What? I'm an angry father, not an improvisor. Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers?
It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole?
Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?!
Then I better crunch the numbers.
Take me to Marty, You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.
See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on.
Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.
Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it, and how do we spend the rest of it? What are we going to be when we die -- A list of fears and questions or a collection of real experiences? Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing.
Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.
I don't think the Gromflamites can track us now, but it looks like we're gonna be here for a while. Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it?
Hey. Are you the one that left?
That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.
So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks!
Well, well, well. Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty,
RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.
Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now, calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right?
l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...
...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg.
J, Cosmos without hatred J,
Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything.
Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter? Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention. To a conversation about vampires?! Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires, because I wasn't paying attention, which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role,
So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right. I think I'm certain we're effed in the "A." Oh, god, my head.
So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!
Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.
What the fuck is going on?
Ooh. Ohh.
Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in,
my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.
The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.
You did it, Beth. You really nailed it, You're a surgeon -- a human surgeon. Yay, you win.
Oh!
I always could count on you.
You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!
We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi!
You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!
No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"?
Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.
f speaking alien language f
Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.
Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! Dad, I'm so confused!
Open fire! Aah! Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad! Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car!
Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh.
But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik
Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.
You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting.
Let me ask you a question, Ethan.
Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture. Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs,
Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!
The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.
Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.
And now we ’re back to "How Did / Get Here?" the only show that makes you askyourself, "How did / get here?"
Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?
Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah!
That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones. Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my cahapes.
I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?
Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more.
Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.
- Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!
Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon." He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.
Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school.
J, Everybody seems so far away from me J, J, Everybody just wants to be free J,
I'm not looking forjudgment, just a yes or no --
l-l-lt's very difficult. Oh! Uh, well, is there an aux input? We tried that, but there's two different colors. But there's two different colors.
- I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,
Yeah, yeah. I got it.
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer.
Who's not a musician, Marty? - Me! - Yeah, not with that attitude. We're in the drop zone! I'm the jumpmaster! My name's Jamey -- with an e-y! Go, go, go! B-but -- but we don't have a song! Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we've done. We're sorry for our increased levels of emissions and our racism and, of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone. BOTH: Whoa!
I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?
Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything,
What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school.
Like talking to a brick wall.
but I made a mistake.
Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,
And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two.
No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.
Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.
Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!
Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats, but you get -- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put them in agonizing pain, that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like,
Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --
And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience?
Okay, with all due respect, Rick --
Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun?
This is a Meeseeks Box.
Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.
RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that.
Welcome to your nightmare, bitch!
Oh, my god, Oh, that was so, so funny. Thank you. You're welcome. Hey, um, security guards, take him out.
You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl,
It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' --
Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery.
but I live in it, Shit!
JERRY: All right, just one more rally, then I promise we'll get back to your science project. Dad, Pluto isn't a planet. lt's shrinking because of corporations. Yeah, that's what that anti-planet nut job Scrcocopy Noopers was screaming about outside the Ministry of Money's Fundraiser. Are you telling me four billion Plutonians are wrong? You said science wasn't easy. I said science isn't always easy.
Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!
What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy!
Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J,
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer.
Marty, Time to purge.
but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,
Infinite timelines.
It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Owl, Oh!
Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.
Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!
I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on.
Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!
A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.
What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside! You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!
What is going on? Aah!
Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away.
Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome.
Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to?
then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky.
What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about,
You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick.
Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.
Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars.
Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.
Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.
You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool.
Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite.
I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty,
It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough.
Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back.
- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa.
Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?
They could save the marriage of a dog and a bar of dark chocolate. They could save the marriage of a porn star and a porn star. Well, I know /'m ready to try whatever it takes. Which clearly implies that I'm not. It's not a competition, Beth. on is that how you're gonna try to win, by implying /'m competitive? lfthe shoe fits. My shoe fits up your ass. You wish! RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday!
Thejig is up!
What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary.
'cause you need to cut me some slack...s.
- Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah!
who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death.
Yeah, baby!
l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?!
Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!
Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.
You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue.
Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,
You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty,
Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
Take me to Marty, You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.
even relative to the giant man's size,
How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes.
l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick!
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Well, then my son's going to fail his science class, and when that happens, l'm suing you first. I think I know what the "A" in NASA stands for. - Dad, what's your endgame? - Ain't no game, sucka. Why don't we just make the solar system with eight planets? It's even easier. Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round?
It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there.
And I know I sound like mom, but I can't sacrifice this whole family's safety just because I'm afraid you'll leave again, so no more alien prisoners and no more subterranean excavation without consulting us, - Okay. - Okay? "Okay" -- like you're gonna quietly teleport somewhere and never come back? No. It's your house.
Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick. We'll have two Bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels?
What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what?
I love you.
A student was frozen to death.
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but if Marty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, you know, kind of your problem, too. Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. What? Why not?
ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat...
We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...
Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off.
Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey!
And, most importantly, we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves.
Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah,
Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!
Oh, my god, You have eight eye ho-- holes.
Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!
And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.
What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god,
Particle beam in a wristwatch,
Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there?
Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.
Ooh, nice!
Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.
Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --
Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.
l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.
Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!
Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here!
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick.
JERRY: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk. Jerry, get a job. Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry? You're the man ofthe house, and you don't have a job. Delivery for Rick.
Then I'll take one of those. I don't need the rest. God, whatever, Rick.
Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.
Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!
and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.
I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing.
That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp,
Aah! Unh!
Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...
What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!
- Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?
I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.
That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline.
MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination!
W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty,
Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.
Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live? Stop asking! Yes, lwill! That's right, assholes. Take my penis. Take it all! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!
Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,
Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!
Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery. You're welcome. RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh?
lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas.
I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me!
Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist,
Rick?
Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty,
Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah!
Living in perfect peace. Oh, I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a yearwhere you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence. That's right. What?! It's like "The Purge," Marty, That movie "The Purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time.
fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today,
undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
Yeah, guess I'm out of fluid. L-Let me find a place to stop. Hey, muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet, or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why?
Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.
Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you.
Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant.
I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you?
Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?
J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,
J, I hurt myselftoday J, f woman speaking gibberish ] For English, press 2 [ beep) Connecting to agent. W O M A N ', Ongoing investigations. Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez,
Kill Pencilvester.
Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes.
It's never pretty. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other. As we can all see, this is hardly the real Garrrh and Zharbidar.
Marty! Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty,
Or,,,
I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work.
You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen,
What? For real?
like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um -- you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know? Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean...
- Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay.
Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah! Scalpel. Scalpel.
Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse,
Happy human holiday, Dad.
Somebody call for repairs?
Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...
Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing!
And the final ingredient...
I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.
TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls.
you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions.
This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.
All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.
Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!
They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca.
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys.
- O h, my god, - Aah!
Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!
Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.
This is harder than it looks.
Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty --
As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with. J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch!
Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh ! That's beautiful. You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great!
Whoa! Look at you! You're wearing the hat and everything!
Pterodactyl! Asshole!
That's Jack and Fabrizio. This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened,
l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles.
Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable.
He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours. Good luck, Mr. President. Sir, the magnetic poles are about to reverse. In two hours, there may not be an Earth to save. Sanchez? Are you a musician? l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51. People! Everyone! Remain calm!
- What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.
almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!
J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles!
Gar Ma Nar Nar,
ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you.
Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.
Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now.
Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power.
I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--
Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!
It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there.
there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh,
One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when yourworld is one. Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta?
What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.
Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god,
- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You."
Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?
Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.
And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get --
J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J, Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!
Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!
You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--
A2, 3,4!
And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then? its two brothers and -- and they're gonna --
This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys.
This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer!
You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.
Scalpel. Scalpel. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Scalpel. - Nano-Scalpel. Okay. We're ready. Not so fast!
I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester!
Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?
Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.
Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation!
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.
Hey, that's my deer!
Wish I could say the same.
RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved.
J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J,
So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved?
At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.
I cannot argue that. Aaah!
You miss your Fart friend, huh?
Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?!
Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry!
Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...
That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty! Oh, my God!
This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!
Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god.
Race war! Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh?
JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na,
Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.
and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.
Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.
Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!
Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah! So...
J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.
- Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.
Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and l have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore Free-fi to Fo-home. W-what the hell is he talking about? They're free to go, is what I meant. l-l-l'm deconstructing our -- our -- our thing we say. For giants. Nobody got that?
Revenge.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!
I think I know what the "A" in NASA stands for. - Dad, what's your endgame? - Ain't no game, sucka. Why don't we just make the solar system with eight planets? It's even easier. Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round? Science isn't always easy, Morty. Whoa! Whoa!
There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us,
It's incredibly irresponsible. And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't.
I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow !
You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money.
Aah! Don't think about it!
Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite,
Grandpa, we need to go home, now,
No! Get out of my head, parasite! No!
This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere,
What, Marty, you want me to show you my math?
you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right.
Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!
I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty,
MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it?
Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!
I remember the first time I saw her.
But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty, who I hear had a great party last night. So, class dismissed. You've got the day off! All right! Good work, Mr. Goldenfold! Yeah, get outside. Read a book.
W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god,
Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool.
Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty. Jerry, what are you -- what are you doing in here? I'm trying to find our weed whacker, 'cause our weeds are wack, yo. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here. l "c an't"? Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do?
So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure. Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together.
Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him? I'll do it later, Marty, He'll be fine. Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children.
and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots?
Wait, there is an autopilot.
All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick!
Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?
We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us?
and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.
wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!
JERRY: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk.
Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.
How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine.
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
Did you get any ofthat?
Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice. Unity, is it a bad time? Are all present life forms assimilated? Beta Seven, this is my single-minded friend from Earth, Rick. Rick Sanchez.
At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging."
HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes!
A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody.
BOTH: Nice. So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett,
You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties!
he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,
Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.
Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,
Pluto is a planet.
Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening. Well, well, well. Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean?
for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands!
Sir, put the gun down and step away from Mr. Pibbles!
Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes,
Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!
Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?
Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,
Jessica.
There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline.
No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be 100% honesty and open,
- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!
Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!
I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!
Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out.
Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8...
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!
Good bye.
See that?
How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty, You're not Marty,
You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.
Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution.
Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!
Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.
What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me.
I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat.
So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know,
- Jerry! - Dad, what are you doing?! I'm a good person. I'm a good person.
J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,
Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!
Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?
Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat?
Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What?
Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here?
Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me! l-l never intended to harm you, I swear. I am trying to end the festival. W-W-What do you mean? l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival.
Seven. . .
What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat.
Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice. Pardon, Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension? Sure! Let's go to the ascension.
All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, But these gears just started turnin'. LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry?
- Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves?
ALL: Ice-T?! That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect,
I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down!
Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals.
Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50?
Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?
Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!
so you have plenty of disposable income. Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up, Something's gonna come through. I can feel it. I'm going inside. I guess this is what rock bottom feels like, Jerry.
Ooh. Ohh. Ooh.
It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them.
I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale.
- Here's another. - l’m the killer.
Oh, he -- he's looking a lot better. RICK: Listen, Beth, don't torture yourself. I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale. ls, um, is he mad at me? He's not pressing charges. I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad.
I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what?
I love you, Melissa.
This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.
High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL:
Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace.
Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool!
Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob.
but if Marty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, you know, kind of your problem, too. Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. What? Why not? Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice? My story begins at the dawn oftime in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium.
Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected.
What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer.
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.
It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!
See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go.
J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,
W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him.
Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah!
with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.
No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.
Take me to Marty, You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar.
Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am?
Um -- Wow, Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer. I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever?
- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed.
You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy,
Marty! What are you doing to me?!
Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!
J, Are you afraid of me now? J,
AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
She's aced every test in potato class,
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone.
And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse. So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die.
Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.
- What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English?
It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!
Well, well, well. Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank.
Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything. Yeah. But I feel like one ofthe 64 Ricks, like, sacrificed himself for me? - Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty, The last time you felt something, we all almost died.
We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community. May my chores complete me as I complete them.
Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more.
We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!
You don't fuck with time!
You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due?
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up!
Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world,
PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing!
Too many.
Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot.
Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards. Mm. Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure? That's right, Mrs. Smith. Give in to your anger. Neglect that deer. Honey, it's gonna be okay.
That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch!
Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea.
Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204.
But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart.
- Holy hell. - Sir! Hold your fire! What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government, Thanks to the skilled diplomacy ofthis mysterious space car,
But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?
J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J,
Marty, take the wheel! Whoa! Whoa! Geez! Damn it, Morty! Who taught you to fly this thing? I'm kidding. I know that's on me. Um, Rick! RICK: Shit. Well, I guess this is it. Marty, crack the window.
My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!
Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today. Welcome home, Water-T.
It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica!
Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!
RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime. Get it? You know, 'cause it's frozen. This has been so much fun.
Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!
All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one's bigger. This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob!
Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me.
What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god,
This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something.
Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.
I really had something going there, Rick!
Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites.
You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board.
Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?
And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.
"Fuck You."
Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department.
Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?
You know what I'm saying?
Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.
You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?
Sex is sacred!
Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,
We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.
What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot! You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!
Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine.
and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice.
Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death.
FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government, Thanks to the skilled diplomacy ofthis mysterious space car, from this day forward, human and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them, and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption.
No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.
Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?!
It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,
I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.
I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!
It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing.
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom!
I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!
Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha!
And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it.
Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared?
Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.
This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.
Since when do you have a job? Since last week. lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character. Please don't.
Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever.
RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!
Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah!
Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god.
Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut? What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah! Come on out, Jerry!
Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers?
I take no part in the festival. lfyou desire to kill me, I only ask you do it quickly. No such agenda, chief. We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir. We were just hoping to get on the roof of your lighthouse so we can send a beacon to my sister on Earth. - It's a different planet. - By the way, life on other planets exists. Don't let it distract you.
Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.
Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.
No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...
Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th-- but that's not how it went down! Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.
and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay?
Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea.
You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick?
They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else. Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay?
Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.
Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come.
- Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na,
I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it,
Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on.
What in the hell? Sex sells, Marty, Sex sells what?
My man!
I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt?
Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!
Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,
There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons.
Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J,
Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident.
This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.
Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song!
I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before.
BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?
The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.
Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!
J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.
Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!
l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.
I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!
Don't be gross, Tammy.
I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business.
Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.
Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it.
What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?
I just got bored.
I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.
W O M A N ', Ongoing investigations.
I guess it's back to the drawing board.
Maybe we'll see Chewbacca. I'd like that.
I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you?
Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!!
W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity.
Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here.
Is he going to die?
Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents.
It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!
Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally -- we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan!
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
A sophisticated predator, nature 's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill, it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.
"The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life.
You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!? Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry! Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll go home. What the hell is he talking about?!
All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real!
Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick.
They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can --
- Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay --
Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on.
But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm --
I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. Um...
How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing!
Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible?
Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?!
The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen.
Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place.
Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no.
Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama '
You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?
You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!
Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right. All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium...
Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this.
A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.
Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will --
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! WOMAN: In your face! Give me the gun, I'm not doing this in front of Pencilvester. Bring him to the garage. You listen to me, you son of a bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors.
Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up, Something's gonna come through. I can feel it. I'm going inside. I guess this is what rock bottom feels like, Jerry.
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:
All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.
57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying?
Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day. You just might. W-what do you mean? These are the Jerrys whose Ricks and Mortys never came back. They live here now. Uh,
Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right.
Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?
Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you?
What the hell is he talking about?!
If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed.
Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it, Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume,
From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl!
Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device.
I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain the full gravity of the situation. Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her lover intact? Well, I don't thinkthat's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones.
Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. Grandpa Rick, couldn't you, like, use your superknowledge to turn yourself into a teenager and come to our school and help us hunt the vampire down?
We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!
A2, 3,4! Rick, Marty, lce-T, the timetable's moved up, Earth's on in six hours.
Pluto is...
Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick!
Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council.
get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,
The student becomes the teacher.
Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why?
Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!
Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes,
I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!
My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering. Smith Jr/s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father," in every store and on everyone's mind.
This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever,
Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened.
And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?
Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch!
Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school.
This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,
RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.
Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.
Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet -- Opening myself up to others. SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers!
Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.
I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy?
Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry.
We weren't even supposed to be down here. Ifwe confront him about this -- Oh, my god! I love this. I love that this is how far you will go for him. You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a Lifetime original above a fucking alien dungeon! Your relationship with your father is psychotic. Oh, listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person.
Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?
Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up!
That means I own them.
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs,
MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire!
A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!
Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served.
You must help us! This village is terribly poor, yet the giant that lives in the clouds above has untold treasures!
i don't give a fuck.
If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself.
Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--
Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that. lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing?
HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!
Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us,
fast making for a friend?
Hey, Tiny Rick's playing guitar. All right, everybody. This next one's coming straight from the heart. Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head. J, Let me out J, J, What you see is not the same person as me J, J, My life's a lie J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that.
Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is -- I'll take you to dinner. Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine. I can't take it anymore.
Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate.
MAN: And there's the approach. Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend?
we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship --
Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax.
Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy. You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No!
He's a real piece of shit.
I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there,
Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on. All right, I'm bored. Rick, is there a way for you to call Summer and Marty?
"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!
There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers?
and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact --
It is random debris. I found it in my carpet.
What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!
Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing.
No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?
Nice.
Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!
J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J,
But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.
What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?
Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn.
Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh.
Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured?
It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could.
They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill!
MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown!
God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry.
Silence!
Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son.
But let's make it interesting, Marty,
That's very funny!
Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little.
Hmm. Funny. Mr. Needful, out of everything in the store, you'll never guess what we couldn't get rid of. Oh, my god, Oh, my god,
Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!
Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.
Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this...
Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg!
Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!
As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out.
Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!
Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.
you know, walking down the courthouse steps. Oh, boy, Morty. Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick.
You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay.
That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.
The factory tint setting is always too high! Out of my way.
You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate.
COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137, the council apologizes for its false accusation, and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time.
And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth.
Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank.
Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with?
SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!
undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell,
Put on some sunscreen, Danielle! Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top. Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? No can do. Tonight's the big dance. And Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wing man. BOTH: Tiny Rick! Okay, but if not tonight, when? I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out!
MAN: Party! Whoo, baby! LINCOLER: Please, stop! Hey, brah! I don't understand. Are you enjoying this? Do you like this? Yeah, you know it, dawg!
Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. No!
- RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.
J, Can you take me now? J, J, I want it real J, J, Are you afraid of me now? J, JV J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J,
No! No! Ow!
Half of all time!
- Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide. Well, you can hide with us, Rick? - Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge?
Stupid!
RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move. Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding.
Aah! Huh? What the fuck?
I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally,
Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them,
Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist!
Oh...um... "Bitch."
Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!
You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.
No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
Oh shit! The other collar!
You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.
Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death!
Wha? Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!
I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!
W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.
Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go!
T-The whole house is sitting in another dimension! l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,
Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.
I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun.
And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,
Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on!
Did you get any ofthat?
Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.
It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not?
Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh?
Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that!
I love you, too, Terry.
That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.
Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir?
Tough!
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty,
Cynthia. . . JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her?
What's going on?
These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.
Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.
Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns!
Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail?
Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me. Oh! Or don't. Hey! Don't! Please! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god! Now, I know I've said, in the past, that math is important -- And it is! --
You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?
Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!
Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets.
Hmm.
My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,
Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them.
And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.
All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously. Uh-oh, Marty, Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss? Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar.
an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!
Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry! What the hell are you doing here?! What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing.
I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.
you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now, Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad,
What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go!
So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah.
Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men!
Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life.
That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.
Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay?
The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead ofthem. Aha! Here we go. Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips. RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all.
Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.
No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!
LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry?
W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?
That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car?
The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!
I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks!
- Here's another. - l’m the killer.
What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?
Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!
Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God --
Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous! I'm obviously being setup.
Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh.
Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez? Okay, you're just making stuff up now,
Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous!
When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule! Nobody? Okay, tough church.
What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them,
Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was?
At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarcks. But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst!
Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s? What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?
W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.
Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!
Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.
Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you.
Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity. lt absorbed the minds of our people.
What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and --
you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.
You know what? I'm taking this. How do you -- what is this? Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.
We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day. Ooh, family vacation!
It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA.
q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!
It's a good show!
Revenge. What?! MAN: Party! Whoo, baby! LINCOLER: Please, stop!
But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart.
Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now, Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.
RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on. All right, I'm bored.
Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day!
Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game?
Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know? Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction!
Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me. Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars.
L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us!
Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back!
W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.
I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming.
Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks!
You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me?
Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.
Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.
Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs!
O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please!
I'm kidding. I know that's on me. Um, Rick! RICK: Shit. Well, I guess this is it. Marty, crack the window. I wonderwhy Greg is always so critical of my girlfriend. Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself.
I'll just...get to the pitch. Um, simple question, gentlemen, what are apples? Excuse me. Ahh, What are apples? Apples are food. And...when do we need food? When we're hungry.
You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve,
l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival. Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic.
Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math.
Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction! Geez, Morty. I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet. I don't want to talk about it. - Okay, guys, let's go home. - Where's Dad?
Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay.
and then y-y-you help 'em? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together. Dude, are you -- w-- you're being a dick, right? Oh, gosh, l-l hope not. l-l-l-l-l-l wouldn't want to offend you in any way. You're really a Rick?
No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na,
U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax.
I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,
Welcome...
Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!
but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat.
Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it,
Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.
Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.
Oh, no, no, no! Why didn't heturn into a snake? Trade secret, Mr. President. Particle beam in a wristwatch, snake holster on the leg.
She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to --
MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor
Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!
Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday.
Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them,
Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!
Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is.
Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you. So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge? l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that.
You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right. I think I'm certain we're effed in the "A."
it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick.
We're playing Yahtzee. Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. It's a fun game for fun families. Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second? it’s a 45-horsepower with antiiock brakes, and " the official car of "Mr, Sneezy 3D. "
I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is,
by implying /'m competitive? lfthe shoe fits. My shoe fits up your ass. You wish! RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday! JERRY: Oh! Jerk. Don't insult my father. He's the reason our kids are only half-stupid. Ha! You just called yourself -- Oh, - Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four.
Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh,
This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves.
I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank. What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect,
We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and l have here in my hand a motion to dismiss.
Show me what you got!
Here, look at my eyeholes.
You make that dog smart or...
Hold on.
Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.
Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me. We're playing Yahtzee. Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. It's a fun game for fun families. Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second? it’s a 45-horsepower with antiiock brakes,
All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it.
J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the...
[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids.
My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad!
They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They."
It's a good-a show!
J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship.
Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies. However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "Space AIDS" as you put it. And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it.
I love this man!
I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.
Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties.
This has been so much fun. Hey, Rick. You know, this whole time, I haven't once heard you say that "wubba Iubba dub dub" thing that you usually say. Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"
Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family.
l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.
Where am I?! You're at a wedding. Go change. J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J, J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J, J, Fat beats and an alien smile J, J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J, J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J,
white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.
In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man. PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom!
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, J, Damn right, and I'll do it again, 'cause I am nice so I gots to win J, J, Break bread with the enemy J, J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with, l'll break who you -- J,
Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk.
What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery.
What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war! Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same?
which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains...
Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica.
W-w-w-what is it?
Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,
- Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.
Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?
That was oxygen.
- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.
I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,
But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine. Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!
They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!
It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.
I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.
Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child!
I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?
Plutonians. Jerry Smith is a scientist from Earth, where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!
I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh?
Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty?
Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,
My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there.
Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh? Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists.
It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Oh, my god! Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk? Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut? Uh, l'm...not sure. Exactly. Show me what you got!
Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.
Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun,
so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me.
I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.
You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend.
This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?
Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.
Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.
You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff?
Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real.
Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!
Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing.
What do you know? He was right! Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second! Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa!
and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean. Beth! Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now. BETH: I can't help but feel a little guilty. I didn't peg Lucy for a rapist.
What?! Are you kidding me?!
Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas,
Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.
i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,
What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you,
You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook. A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.
Kalo kada sha la,
l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth.
Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars.
I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens,
You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.
and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women?
Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why --
You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison.
Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?
Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?!
Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Call as up and order some fake doors today. Don’t even hesitate, don't even worry, and don't even -- All right, I'm bored. Change it,
This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal.
Hey, what's up, Squanchy? Hey, Squanchy. Marty, Summer! And you must be Beth. Mwah! Ensquanche! Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, like the Smurfthing? Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Oh, Okay.
Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.
I'm a good person.
Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice.
I really appreciate you, Marty,
Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god! Now, I know I've said, in the past, that math is important -- And it is! -- But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty, who I hear had a great party last night. So, class dismissed. You've got the day off!
Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!
JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them?
Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh,
Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?
- Master. - Speak. Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name?
All right. Let's proceed.
You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!
I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? I prefer my own penis, and so should you! The brave Earth man whose sacrifice is going to allow Shrimply Pibbles to live --
but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about. Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour.
Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe. FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful.
Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs.
What are we doing? I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay.
Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.
Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.
You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T!
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay. Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap!
Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me?
Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father.
Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere.
What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator.
Oh, I get it, Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back. Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables. What are you talking about? All this time, you've been thinking, "what ifthat loser, Jerry, hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" - Um... - Well, now you know. You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de-do.
Come on.
What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917. Cool! Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep.
Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah.
You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad! Uh, hold the phone. Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle.
Yeah? lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it?
Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem.
Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. Rick, when we met, l was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change... Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. Hey, listen, I've grown, too.
Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand.
And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty,
Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C! Um...wait --
Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.
Yo, deejay, drop that beat.
Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.
Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?!
Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.
You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that!
Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!
The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place. You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun. Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty,
No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap.
Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely.
Yeah. Uh-oh.
Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.
l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye.
So who's homesick? By applause.
Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention,
Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit.
It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty.
J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J,
My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate.
Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know. Do it! Do it! Remove my penis! Sir, put the gun down and step away from Mr. Pibbles! - Jerry! - Dad, what are you doing?! I'm a good person. I'm a good person.
I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.
She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew. Please help me. You can reach me if you try. Please help me! That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving. Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night.
Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,
You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.
What's going on? Relax, Marty, Don't -- don't worry about it, Let's just see where this goes. Step on W We all got places to be! f honks horn f Son of a bitch. Oh, that must be where he lives. Okay. RICK: Huh. He's making himselfa sandwich now.
I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same. All right, okay, fair is fair. lfyou do extra work, you get extra food. Oh, Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that.
What the fuck is going on?
Happy to help... Rose.
Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs.
We don't have time for mojitos. - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! This place is the worst! I want to go home! Well, it really doesn't matterwhat youwant, because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears!
Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about.
All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well? Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it, Rick!
Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.
Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?
What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack? That's Bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho?
What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty,
My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik
Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system --
What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.
There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers?
Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?!
you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically.
Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back,
We got a plumbus.
Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song,
Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!
To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a --
Oh. Oh, my god, How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right! Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face like Wart from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee! How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there?
Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one.
This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?
Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it.
Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!
Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?
GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth.
RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on?
They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!
H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No!
Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.
What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit.
It's a -- it's a hassle out there.
J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army,
This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry.
All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,
I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart.
I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.
Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick.
Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel.
Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse.
so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too.
J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, It's still raining up here J,
What the fuck is going on? He's got it!
I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane!
Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target. Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music.
A rail system seems archaic for an attraction this impressive.
Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?
Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick. ln here.
Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--
I'm a fraud.
SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what?
Grassss tastes bad-ah.
I got ambitions, man.
I like that.
Fuck you! That's season one! Boom!
I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!
Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo!
S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...
Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.
Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet. We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it.
I'm not wearing any pants!
They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!
Marty?
On one of our adventures.., Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place.
MORTY: I think you're getting what you wanted, Summer. Something's happening to Unity.
What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there --
Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,
We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...
Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid.
So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a --
What's your problem? They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads.
Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away.
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.
'cause I am nice so I gots to win J, J, Break bread with the enemy J, J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with, l'll break who you -- J, And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front. Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer?
What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave. That is a hatch. Your father put a hatch in my garage. You don't know it was him. Anyway, we're not supposed to be in here. Obviously, neither is whatever's gurgling down there.
lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J,
but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically.
Ooh, he's trying! All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.
Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.
I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty, Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty,
First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified.
Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know?
H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.
Stop it right now! Grandpa Rick, I like working here. You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes! So what if he's the devil, Rick? At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.
Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!
Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over. Whoa, Dad, you can't, like,
J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J, J, It doesn't match your face J, J, Get them away, away from this place J,
But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on!
Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art.
And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles.
Here's another slogan right below that one.
It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly.
Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.
so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.
Marty, Birdperson? You appear to be dying. I will make efforts to prevent this but can promise nothing.
Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort?
Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!
I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy. Our pleasure. Yeah, ljust hope you got a pre-meld. - Rick! - What?! It's just a practical
- Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything. Yeah. But I feel like one ofthe 64 Ricks, like, sacrificed himself for me? - Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty,
Leave me alone. I'm working. Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy, and then y-y-you help 'em? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together.
I'm a troublesome octopus person. Uh-Oh. I gotta save some trouble 'cause here comes a trouble mite. SUMMER: Gross! Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know?
Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?
Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected,
I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them.
Don't even think about it,
Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!
Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.
Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race!
I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.
Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --
Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty! Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man.
Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty!
An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe.
You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison.
Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.
Rick, you got to do something quick. My parents are home. Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good.
Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy? Summer, you're a bad person. All you care about is having popular people like you.
Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!
LINCOLER: Please, stop!
Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting.
- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people.
I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick -- almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!
Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!
and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing.
What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!
You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf-- We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto."
Is he going to die? Don't worry. Dr. Glip Glop is the best in the galaxy. Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Aah! What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy. It's like those pizza places that claim to have the best pizza in the world, What do you think, they have pizza contests?
What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right?
What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors!
What are you looking at, motherfucker?
I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys. I'm leaving.
You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!
He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.
Wubba lubba dub dubs!
When we're hungry. With that, I give you your new slogan! Well, say something! Do you like it? Yes. You do? ALL: Yes. So...| sold it? I sold the idea?
That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying.
It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all.
I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in.
Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train?
What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap!
You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah!
I would love to have you.
JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.
It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.
Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer?
Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit,
RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.
Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson.
Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.
but I -- I think we have tojust... It's okay. This is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do? You're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon. So...? Well, don't different animals... require different levels of skill to keep alive? undefined Oh, god, Get the deer in the car, Jerry. Yes, Beth. This is why you don't freeze time, you guys.
South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!
Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems.
Hey, everybody, it’s me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn 't get killed. He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba. in other opposite news, information. . .
Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.
These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!
The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you.
- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty,
Holy shit.
Unh!
That's right, assholes.
No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax.
fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job.
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?
Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No! No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks!
You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out.
Oh, geez, Rick.
You will walk when it is time to walk. What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch!
One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy.
You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!
All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!
Depending on my aim,
Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys.
It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well? Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it, Rick! Yeah, yeah. Hey, have a good festival, old timer. I intend to.
Okay, I get it. I'm cramping your style.
J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go--
Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.
We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh!
Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant.
J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome! Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance? Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time?
Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week. Unity, could you get Rick out here, please? He's unavailable. He's... having sex with you. We get it. Grass,
MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay.
but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering. Smith Jr/s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father," in every store and on everyone's mind. Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough.
I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me.
You have arrived at Krombopuios Michael, Your destination is below. We're all out of off-white Persian.
You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs.
Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.
Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me!
Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself.
You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two.
Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought...
Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.
Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up! Hold it! Don't move! Stay back! This watch turns people into snakes! Oh!
Eh, thank you, sir. Thank you. He says he's proud of what we're doing and hopes we have a great ascension festival! Happy ascension! ALL: Happy ascension! We should pack up and leave town now. I think it's inspiring that our community is coping with fear in a way that involves a festival and homemade ice cream. lfyou'd stop being such an evangelical atheist,
Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice.
You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh.
You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.
Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this?
Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place. Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep.
That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy.
Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you?
27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council.
I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either
l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.
How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty,
Guys, Mom and Dad are, like,
Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?! Drop the gun. You don't understand! This guy was gonna kill someone! I guess that makes two of us, Aah! What are you doing, Marty? This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory, but Grandpa and government don't get along. ALIEN: He saved my life. - What? - Huh?! Whoa!
Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch,
Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.
Please! Please don't kill me!
Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood.
Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve,
Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!
Regular pancakes are fine.
Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty.
Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff?
You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.
What's your problem? They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else.
How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty.
And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit.
W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night.
Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.
Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.
Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam!
Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one.
Okay, hold on just a second, Morty. Ooh. Ohh.
"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--
I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck.
What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out,
That's right, Jerry!
Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States.
Would you like to RSVP or send a gift? No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.
MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.
Breaking news-- Shrimply Pibbles is being held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith. Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know.
This guy's trying to get out of giving away his penis!
and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know?
while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal? Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop.
You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite.
Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes,
Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can --
J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch, so i never know what's going on. Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know,
Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid,
That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.
don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake.
Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.
ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.
Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!"
Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? I prefer my own penis, and so should you!
But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes. Would you relax, Marty? There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why?
Ooh, yeah! Can do!
Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching.
We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true,
All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why? That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving.
This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices? Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is.
Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet,
l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you,
This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them.
Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes.
J, Oh, yeah J,
Aaah! Holy shit. What happened?
What about... Pirates of the Pancreas?
Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.
Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky?
Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world
you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck.
Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?!
Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!
Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!
Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard!
Jerry? Jerry Smith? Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school. I hate acting. I hate cocaine. I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been.
Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk...
That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there.
Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.
Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department?
Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla."
we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,
Sh-sh-shut up.
It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick!
Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.
Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains...
Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad. You're a genius at that. Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son. Thank you.
I'm talking about Mega seeds.
Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.
l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa.
Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really.
Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?
Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty.
Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more.
I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!
Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?
Clever twist. I learned from the best, you old fart.
Hey, Summer, haven't seen you at flute practice in a while.
Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!"
Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid!
Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!
My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here?
Every kid needs a dad, but there's no replacing you. Hey, you want to give us a hand with this? We're trying to figure out how to get the sound coming through the stereo instead of the TV, l-l-lt's very difficult. Oh! Uh, well, is there an aux input? We tried that, but there's two different colors. But there's two different colors.
Oh, my god. - Hey, Marty, - Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica. So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...? No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school. Cool. Hey, Tiny Rick's playing guitar. All right, everybody. This next one's coming straight from the heart. Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head.
Homework is stupid.
f speaking Arabic ] Marty)
Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?!
Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be?
Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.
But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers!
Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife? Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.
Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules!
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!
Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!
then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General?
Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.
Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.
All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.
J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,
Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch!
Holy --
Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"?
Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?
Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry. Yeah, yeah. I got it. That's okay. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Try again and keep your head down.
I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.
That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!
Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!
He's unavailable. He's... having sex with you. We get it. Grass, Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh.
Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.
Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.
everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still.
You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here.
You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is,
H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.
It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!
Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?
Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.
What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves!
Oh, thank God, Morty.
There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.
You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.
Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.
f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. ..
Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants?
I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable. Which I also wouldn't do!
We're decrypting it now. HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!
ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.
Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama." So cute!
My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want.
Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?
All right. There's six of us, and that's it,
It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them?
Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!
JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.
But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out.
the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?
He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!
Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.
RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes.
You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.
- Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah!
TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing.
Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.
Ow!
What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around,
burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,
Come here.
Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples.
Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. " i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins!
and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point,
- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you.
I know everything about everything? Did you really talk me out of the abortion? Well, we -- we blew a tire on the way to the clinic, I think, in my head, Iwas doing it all for the kids. And now the first kid is going to do something with turquoise. Which is either code for crystal meth or a gateway to it,
J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward,
I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go.
W O M A N ', Ongoing investigations. Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9.
That'll keep 'em busy for a while. Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer.
It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say. It's not like I could've actually done it, lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it, but I -- I think we have tojust... It's okay. This is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do? You're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon. So...? Well, don't different animals...
than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad!
Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.
Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.
Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts? Oh, hey, Morty. You just missed a preview for your Dad's "Citizen Kane." Doesn't matter. Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys chose? Doesn't matter.
I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica.
It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him? I'll do it later, Marty, He'll be fine. Let's go.
Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit!
l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son. Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world,
Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.
Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome! Okay, that last part was really weird.
You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester?
Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons.
Stop screwing around. There we go. Much better. Now we can see. Great. Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car.
You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers!
Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.
If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this.
Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings!
Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh!
Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain.
Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite!
20% accurate as usual, Morty.
Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard.
Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things.
Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty,
I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too. RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space.
Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy! Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant...
Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty!
Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?
So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math.
How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy --
You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.
Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--
Puffy vagina.
Ooh, nice! I think we'll take our food to go. No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer. Fair enough.
Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two.
Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy. You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a --
Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect.
RICK: Learning to fly this thing, Marty, is gonna be really liberating. You know, you're gonna be free to go on all kinds of errands for me. Cool. See that planet right there? Don't fly too close to that planet. Someone will come out and try to wash your windshield. Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over.
I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what?
Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and l have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore Free-fi to Fo-home. W-what the hell is he talking about?
Jerry? Jerry Smith? Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school. I hate acting. I hate cocaine. I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion,
Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.
I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!
Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty."
Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin. Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J, J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J,
Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what.
That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.
G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No!
Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!
Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that?
Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It."
JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it. lfyou can find one, too, we should be safe for hours, maybe days! You stay put, Jerry. I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch?
You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around! How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch! I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that!
Check this out. It's beautiful. You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you. What's that, Marty? I think you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there.
Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage. JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened?
- SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?
I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason?
you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize.
the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Good bye. Yeah! We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now! Did he just say "Musical Reality Show"?
Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now. Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it.
Bye. Later.
Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.
Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!
Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!
I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!
I haven't learned a thing!
Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap.
It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you.
rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!
J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J,
Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right!
Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention,
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!
Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks.
The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck.
You don't care about me at all! I'm no different than that jacket you've got on! Y-Y-Y-- o-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! l-l-l'm just an object! Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Marty, Now, for the love of god, be quiet.
Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math,
Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! WOMAN: In your face! Give me the gun, I'm not doing this in front of Pencilvester. Bring him to the garage.
Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here.
I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty, don't -- don't -- don't be like that. The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place. You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun.
What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too.
Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this?
I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
J, Look on down from the bridge J,
You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly.
All right, I'm gonna go to the roof and set things up, Marty, you listen to his tale. Okay. "Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story,
Does -- d-does that scan?
Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!!
Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?
J, How could I say goodbye? J, J, How could I say goodbye? J,
You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
Wait for us! There's only room for one more.
"Purge! Don't purge!"
We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah! Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now,
You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through. You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.
l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51. People! Everyone! Remain calm! Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith. When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16.
He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna."
So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital.
Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka!
Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What?
Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad!
Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that?
Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race! Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.
Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent.
This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,
lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer!
Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6:00 pm, so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children. I'm going to start dinner! I don't know what to say. Summer is doing really well here. She's aced every test in potato class,
You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!
You got that right. But, baby, listen -- Y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to -- got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know? I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay.
Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer.
Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know?
Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka!
I consider it a violation.
Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.
My name is... Alexand--
What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.
lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?
Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it.
And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear. A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes.
Class dismissed. Geez. - You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty?
Oh, my god! What is going on now?!
J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man!
Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't!
Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!
J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,
Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.
I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart. I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty,
Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it.
There was a seven-horse collision,
Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.
Yeah. All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl!
Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what?
Of course I did. You didn't laugh at the scene in the bar. l...thought it was funny, but I wanted to hear the rest. Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it. That's my note, you know? Please write more. - Seems a little insincere. - What? No, You don't have to mollycoddle me. I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts.
What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.
I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society.
clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.
You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid.
At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets. Buh-bye. WhOops. I'm sorry, Mr. Needful. l'll clean that up, I don't know what I can do about the ghost lady that came out of it, but -- It's fine.
I'm sick of being a human shield. l-l-l w-- I want to be a gardener! I want to write really crazy, intense action novels! I'm more than just a hammer! He is the one true Marty! Hooray! The one true Marty! Hey, keep it down!
I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy?
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!
Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!
Huh. Okay. I must say, Summer, lthought your grandfather's outburst would have disrupted business, but this is the best weekend I've had since Salem. Nice. "Wholesome Delight" for lunch? - Is that the vegan place? - Yeah, I love their soup, I'm kind of soup-ed out. Mrs. Tate, is it? What do you desire?
He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom?
Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?
"go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty,
Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?
Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!
Huh? What the fuck?
Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us,
just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick! Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great.
Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!
No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer.
Back the fuck up!
Not today, bitch!
Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?
Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.
just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here! Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! WOMAN: In your face! Give me the gun, I'm not doing this in front of Pencilvester.
and...
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that.
Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster.
You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one. Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad, and let's get this dumb universe rolling.
Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah!
Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!
I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon.
Keep Summer safe.
I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!
Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!
RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow.
You're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon. So...? Well, don't different animals... require different levels of skill to keep alive? undefined Oh, god, Get the deer in the car, Jerry. Yes, Beth.
Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday! Well, did you even consider how that might make me feel?! How you feel?!
The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh!
That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity, powering our homes and businesses,
Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J,
- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.
Not my cup of tea, this place.
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
As we can all see, this is hardly the real Garrrh and Zharbidar. Which is good, because the relationship in their heads is not only ugly, it's unsustainable.
Good bye.
Ooh, watch out for that stuff.
What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing?
This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go!
Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers.
f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted?
J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men!
Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...
Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me! Just try to relax. You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!
See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.
- Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec. These are the forms for the employee health plan.
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late?
Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it,
Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.
BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother.
Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.
Mein journey is over, Marty, I have something important to tell you. J, And the gears, they turned for a thousand years J, J, Until the dark day that they stopped J,
This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack?
Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop,
Advertising? Wow!
Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth?
I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.
She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.
You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?
I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.
Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.
The lame one here on Earth.
So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,
You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him.
Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!
Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions.
Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.
But most importantly, you got to relax.
Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison? Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is -- I'll take you to dinner.
Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her.
Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me.
Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...
Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't.
Okay, good.
Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home.
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
That's too bad.
Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck! GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise -- It's never pretty. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other.
My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,
Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage.
so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently.
Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.
Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?
Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!
"Cape Fear"! "Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear." SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers!
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?!
What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave. That is a hatch. Your father put a hatch in my garage. You don't know it was him. Anyway, we're not supposed to be in here. Obviously, neither is whatever's gurgling down there.
- Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah!
Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.
J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.
Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going... to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl. Gee, thanks, Brad. I throw balls far. You want good words? Date a languager.
Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!
and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.
Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible! Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats,
How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!
This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other.
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!
ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty,
Still, what is he, 40? It's just, you know, when he was 30, she was an actual child. When he was her age, she wasn't born. When he was, let's see, like, 18, she was literally in there in yourwomb. Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that."
Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool!
Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?
Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.
Hey, "Ball Fondlers"? Huh, "Ball Fondlers"? Yeah, I could go for some "Ball Fondlers." Yeah, "Ball Fondlers." Aah!
Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch!
Thank you very, very much.
What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty,
But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer.
She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty,
Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama '
Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.
What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you.
Duck, duck, birdie?
That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty,
TV: Coin collecting is considered the perfect hobby. . . . beautiful putt right there -- Good birdie. That's only the... eighth birdie of the day. What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside?
Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.
That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule! Nobody? Okay, tough church. Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions.
Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes. And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios, lthink. lcan’t-- l’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock because i can 't see anything.
Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?
Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah!
- Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me,
There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this.
Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind.
Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half --
and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so." Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on!
Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke.
We got a bag of bobbish.
How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean.
Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '
No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?
Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!
he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,
l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'.
I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You."
I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it,
What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start.
Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J,
Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?
Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!
Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!
Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me.
I hate being a teenager!
Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst!
And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.
From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles.
the ratio of thickness to elasticity,
Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?
Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.
Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?
Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy,
You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty? Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady.
is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos. Spaghetti, kangaroos? l’ve gotta check this place out.
You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.
Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this.
My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No,
Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay.
They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends. I guess that's the end ofthat. There is just one more thing. According to this state's Veterinarian statute,
- No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.
Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!
Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?
In two hours, there may not be an Earth to save. Sanchez? Are you a musician? l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51. People! Everyone! Remain calm! Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith. When God deals you an 11, you don't fold!
I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick.
Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture.
Are you kidding me?! Come on!
You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!
Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.
Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey!
Since when do you have a job? Since last week.
but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there, but I know us, and you're real, Jerry. Remember our vacation?
Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high! Out of my way. The tint setting is always too high.
Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it,
SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad! MORTY: Drive carefully! Have fun, you two. Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please.
Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke! Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!
A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty!
Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse?
It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6:00 pm, so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children. I'm going to start dinner! I don't know what to say. Summer is doing really well here.
You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.
100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures.
Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse?
P RI N C I PAL: Principal Vagina here -- Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover,
24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.
Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'.
You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse?
I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them.
J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale!
and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place.
Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,
JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!
Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --
Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.
But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.
Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky.
W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave.
What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.
It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no. I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em.
Summer, you're a bad person. All you care about is having popular people like you. That's not what Abradolph Lincoler stood for. Well, i-it was hard to pin down what he stood for, but it's certainly not what he died for. Next time I party, I'm just gonna focus on getting totally wrecked.
Don't break an arm jerking yourself off.
Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman!
Smith Jr/s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father," in every store and on everyone's mind. Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.
Did you get any of that?
It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh!
We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back --
which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role, Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist.
All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick! Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields?
What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.
I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!
Marty? Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40. Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student.
Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal?
Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez! I just gotta go to the bathroom. Damn. Oh, Okay, good. This is gonna be fun.
- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me. Bring up the holograms.
Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know,
That'll keep 'em busy for a while. Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer. I'm scared, Rick.
You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie!
You tried to kill yourself.
What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now. This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness,
or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you. So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge?
Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty,
In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things,
This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!
you know, in exchange for food.
I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty,
Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!
Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers. Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.
Wobble gobba lop bops! Right?
Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.
Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.
Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!
And now we know why. Because of you!
Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you?
One last stop, Where's the helicopter? There is no helicopter. And there is no Cervine Institute. But the top deer surgeon-, I'm looking at her. Thanks for teeing me up like that. You better get moving. These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work.
I like your feathers. They are designed to attract the attention of the female. It's working. Tammy, I should let you know I just got out of a highly intense soul bond with my previous spirit mate. I'm not looking to get into a soul band, I'm just looking for... I believe Birdperson can arrange that.
Aaaah!
And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn,
Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.
Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry.
school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.
The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities.
We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn!
You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--
Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother.
We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space.
For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.
Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Boo! Not cool!
Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow.
The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk.
Totally gonna get laid tonight. I like your feathers.
Well, I thought I'd walk to the South Pole and do a little bit of exploring. Ifyou guys need me, just yell or throw something so hard that it goes around the world and hits me. Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world, Please, he's in the South Pole! And we need to have a serious conversation.
Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!
Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah! Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now, calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah!
Dad, there he is! Oh, god, Hey, stop that! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad!
having sex with you. We get it. Grass, Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh.
I never go back to the carpet store.
Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me.
The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby!
Yes.
You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.
J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel that I can see your soul? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J, J, I want it real J,
No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame.
First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00.
Run, Marty!
Oh, man, Rick! W-w-w-where we running ta? Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge. Here we go. Holy crap! Come on, Morty.
Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one ofthree meals that have existed for millennia. Losing him. Stabilized.
I feel better.
Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,
No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?
Okay, listen carefully.
Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff.
A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four." Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue.
Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home.
How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real. Marty! Summer! It's me! lt's Rick! Regular Rick! Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one.
J, Everybody seems so far away from me J,
Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.
Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's.
He's my slave. He's my slave.
Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots?
What does that mean?
We understand genocide. We do it sometimes.
Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?
but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty,
Oh, geez, Rick.
What are you doing, Marty? This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory, but Grandpa and government don't get along. ALIEN: He saved my life. - What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" --
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week.
We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo--
J, Just shake that ass... J,
Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal? Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god,
Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid!
Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it!
Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are.
- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.
What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!
Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty!
Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers.
Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth.
Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut? Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day?
It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that.
Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. No!
It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.
Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing!
Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got!
Did you get any ofthat?
Aah! Scalpel.
Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend.
Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them.
Ooh, nice!
I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!
Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...
is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!
Oh, no. What the --
Welcome back to "Funny Songs."
He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.
You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.
Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you.
You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster!
the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?
My -- my -- my -- my man!
l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy!
Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No!
The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives!
l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose,
Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.
You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.
Y-- of course I am --
Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on.
God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky?
Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean.
Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought --
Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!
I'll take you to dinner. Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine. I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die!
l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god!
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.
CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly. In the meantime, please, stay on the ship and enjoy a complimentary plate of James Cameronion rings. Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken. I am gonna go back to the room to finish my book.
You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty,
Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them!
that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top.
JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties.
What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner.
JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!
Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. J, My empire of dirt J, J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J,
Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty,
Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move.
Aah! Marty, why? Why?
Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho!
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up,
Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this, just because Grandpa Rick is? It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha!
Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this!
Crap, they need me at the horse hospital.
You son of a bitch!
Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little --
Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!
- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh!
That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out.
You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth.
- Got it? - Got it,
That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty,
You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry.
I refuse to send the legislation that allows more than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct. This Jan- Uary, " time to Michael down your Vincents. "Jan Quadrant Vincent 76. "
Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?
Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent,
Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!
Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.
That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school.
I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play.
Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good. Oh, my god, They're walking up the driveway. Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage! Do you mean this? Summer for for the win.
Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!! What the hell happened back there?! This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid.
the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.
look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!
He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps. All right, okay, y-you know, ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know?
What's that? Who's that baby? Marty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers.
This whole thing was your idea, in the first place, and, now, you're trying to rush it along. Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you? Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty,
Sure I did -- to develop this. lt detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone," Ray Bradbury, "Friday the 13th" The Series voodoo crap magic. I thought you might want it so you didn't accidentally sell anybody, say-, A typewriter that generates best-selling murder mysteries and then makes the murders happen in real life? Ooh. Be quiet.
If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!
Marty's grounded!
uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.
J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, There's still fountains down there J,
Let me try something.
How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what?
I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song,
RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.
You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.
See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad.
Boom!
Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,.,
Look at that thing right there. W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this? You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty?
Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around.
Where is it taking him? I assume planet Squanch -- 6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.
Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!
and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth.
All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.
What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance.
Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in,
little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!
not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes!
Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J,
So, what are you -- like, the devil? - What? Sorry? - I don't know. Store comes out of nowhere, all the shit's old and creepy. Are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun? Grandpa Rick! Hey, I'm notjudging. Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science. Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis. This microscope reveals things beyondcomprehension.
Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.
All right! I like your squanch!
Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.
Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away.
6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?
Welcome to your nightmare, bitch!
Bye. Later.
An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles,
Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense! Or maybe there's only one deceiver here --
Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body.
Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.
You son of a bitch! Eat this!
Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?
I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first. I'm proud of you, Marty,
You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.
Uh, Summer, you can't have a party. Because I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch!
You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!
You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.
But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things,
And I'm lucky to have you, and I never tell you that! You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family. Please don't do this! Please don't do this! - Summer! - Summer, listen carefully. I stole a paper clip, and I have it in my cheek, but I don't know what to do with it, and it hurts. You're going to be okay. You will come back as babies. I am a baby! I'm a baby now!
A whole world populated by intelligent dogs.
A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry?
1,2,3. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he?
J, It's a small, small intestine J, It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something.
i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters.
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off,
No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?
Rise above. Focus on science.
Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!
Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!
Because he's dead, too!
lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store.
Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!
Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys.
Aah!
And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass,
Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about. Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family. And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you.
Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.
I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.
which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.
it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters. And then a giant tornado came. And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear.
Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.
Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons, like that show "Doomsday Preppers." Not really my style, Marty, Besides, your home is most likely swarming with Ricks by now. All right, listen, Jerry. lf Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location. You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah.
Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure? That's right, Mrs. Smith. Give in to your anger. Neglect that deer.
W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.
lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay.
Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die!
This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!?
Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon.
I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything. Yeah. But I feel like one ofthe 64 Ricks, like, sacrificed himself for me?
Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face."
Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.
Okay. RICK: Huh. He's making himselfa sandwich now. Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe.
Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:
Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld.
I always could count on you.
Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt.
You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath.
And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.
It's a good-a show!
I mean, let's face it --
SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers! The party's squanching on at my place! Cool. I'm coming, too. Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy?
Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh?
but it's certainly not what he died for.
J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music,"
Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now!
Ah! Oh, my god, I'm a good person. No!
TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five.
Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?
I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke.
RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions.
because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide. Well, you can hide with us, Rick? - Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me?
You're fired.
All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.
Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong.
That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white,
Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic.
Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!
Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over.
I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years? Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!
You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,
Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty, And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry,
Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have --
That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged."
Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son. Now, wait. Th-there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared 40 years of each other, mind, body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door,
My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J,
Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,
My -- my -- my -- my man!
Dad, theirwhole planet is dying. Ha! You called it a planet. Checkmate. What's up, Pluto? Mr. Smith, please tell my friend here what you just told me. Go on. My very eager mother just served us nine pickles, and the "pickles" is Pluto.
Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.
Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.
Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty,
Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.
SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem?
Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!
is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence! Your slave is ill-mannered. My slave? We assume you are from a more primitive world,
Now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak-ass time again. How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there,
Scalpel. Scalpel. Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch.
You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through. You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic.
Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting. RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides.
Very well. Your exile ends today. Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father!
mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..?
No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human,
Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
Oh, crap.
I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but -- Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.
l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help.
It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence! Your slave is ill-mannered.
Sex is sacred!
TV: Coin collecting is considered the perfect hobby. . . . beautiful putt right there -- Good birdie. That's only the... eighth birdie of the day. What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Outside?
Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery.
You sons of bitches!
They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun!
All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you!
Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!
Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!
Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone?
- You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! This place is the worst! I want to go home! Well, it really doesn't matterwhat youwant, because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears!
This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!
Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!
...scare Scary Terry.
Marty, you have to help me! Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! l-l-ls that why you're doing this, you don't want me and Rick to be happy? No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know?
O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.
Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan?
Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri
- Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.
Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? No can do. Tonight's the big dance. And Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wing man. BOTH: Tiny Rick! Okay, but if not tonight, when? I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea, in the first place,
Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!
That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.
Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps. All right, okay, y-you know, ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know? Look down there. Looks like some kind of tavern or something built right into the side ofthe step.
Move it up, actually, if you can,
Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch!
Gentlemen, gentlemen! One at a time! Simon?
That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses.
It's okay. This is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do? You're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon. So...? Well, don't different animals... require different levels of skill to keep alive? undefined Oh, god, Get the deer in the car, Jerry. Yes, Beth.
RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?!
All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels?
Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela? Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"?
The road your father and I walked together is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies.
I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick,
ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool!
J, Hear my faith J, J, Seal my fate J, J, And when you breathe J,
Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!
Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I? So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more.
Strike one.
Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind.
That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!
Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you!
My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?
I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery.
Jerry, get a job.
He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all. What's that? Who's that baby?
Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.
Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty,
Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.
None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.
Hold onl
J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,
Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls!
You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.
it's an invitation to let go of the body and an opportunity to share and experiment. Dad, please. What are you saying? Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover.
Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.
Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?
I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh?
You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will?
Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,.,
He died.
but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge. Here we go. Holy crap! Come on, Morty. Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned.
Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys? L-I-Iet me turn it up, tn the news today, this tooks a tot worse than it is. We ’re reallyjust having a good time. Karen F Thanks, Todd, Up next, are you a concerned grandchild or fast a buzzkill? We W te// you how you can know for sure. I think you two are a little outnumbered. Okay, well, what if you did it for me?
Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV, and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being,
Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not.
Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa!
l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes. And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios, lthink. lcan’t-- l’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock because i can 't see anything. Our prices, lhope, aren 't too low Check out this refrigerator, only $200.
There's one every season.
Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick?
Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover, Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh...
Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.
Oh, listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person. Step out of your ego for a second and look at this thing -- it's a monster. He might have it chained up so that it doesn't eat the planet! Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs.
Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out. You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10,9... All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me.
I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!
a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other.
Yeah, baby! Aaaah!
Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker!
There's plenty of them, you little goofball.
We should go get him. I hope I can call on you and Rick again if I need you, Marty, Sure thing. And I -- I was kind of hoping that I could get a selfie with you? Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse, Understood. D-i-i-i-i-ie! Oh, no, no, no!
science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that. Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!
the edge.
Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!
Where did he get a gun? Who gave him a gun?
Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!
What the hell was that?!
Oh, man. I cannot wait --
Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me?
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!
Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.
I'll leave it at that. Fine, dad! Oh, he might have said to take it outside. RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god, Well, I did my job. Summer did herjob. Now all Marty has to do is finish listening to that tale.
Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?
J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water...
Eh, unless she has the flu. Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?
It's not the same, Summer.
I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!
Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!
grounded story about their shitty marriage. JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20?
Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good. Oh, my god, They're walking up the driveway.
MORTY: Oh! Oh! Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.
Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.
Okay. Let's not rehash t/ratfight,
Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices? Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is. Oh, my god, Rick, look!
Disqualified.
Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school. Owl, Oof! Ugh! Damn it!
No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,
- No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore.
Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,
Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome.
Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast.
Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.
- No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?
Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.
- You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.
Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him?
It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move.
Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty,
Hey, wait a minute, Rick. I thought this was a commercial. What's going on? Relax, Marty, Don't -- don't worry about it, Let's just see where this goes. Step on W We all got places to be! f honks horn f Son of a bitch. Oh, that must be where he lives.
Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13. - Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders,
No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . .
I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse,
What the fuck is going on?
He's just a huge asshole. Then why do you care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together?
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know? Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.
You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!
Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I?
What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there --
He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still.
Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!
Did he just say "Musical Reality Show"? Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all. Help! We should go get him.
Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real.
l extracted it from a vole.
MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty? Oh, man, what's going on? Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Marty,
Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley!
Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea -- bad pitch -- let's put your Dad here. Let's put your Dad in a nursing home. We're losing him. Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps! There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay.
Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!
No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!
J, Where's your hands? J,
would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No! No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh...
- Get out. - Um, what?
including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
J, Goodbye, moon men J,
When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.
I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh,
I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.
ln here. Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it.
I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain.
- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.
Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!
Whoa. Not cool, Summer. This is a party. Everybody should be welcome. Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know,
l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!
WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.
Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --
No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work? Somebody dropped the dime on us. Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say,
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place.
An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.
You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty!
a hit song,
Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.
Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty!
not marry me F i chose Veronica.
JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good.
J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, There's still fountains down there J,
I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me. Oh! Or don't. Hey! Don't! Please! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god!
Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me.
Why are you looking at me?
I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple!
Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!
MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body.
And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter? Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention. To a conversation about vampires?! Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires, because I wasn't paying attention, which you would know,
Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!
Oh, you know my dad once he puts his mind to something. You're spinning this to his credit? I'm going down there. - Jerry -- - Beth, this is my house, which makes this my garage, my secret hatch, my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?
Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to. Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!
Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old.
Well, your mother and I are gonna be spending some time apart, Marty, And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy. - What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next? What about this? Babylegs, you’re a good detective. But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs.
Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing.
Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them.
Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!
Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.
spelled with threes instead of "E's." Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google! Mm. I'm so proud of you, Lucius. So, how much did we make? "We."
And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.
grounded story about their shitty marriage.
Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine!
You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.
Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy,
No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor.
Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard!
Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree? That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Marty, Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez!
l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51.
Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?
South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth,
- You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.
Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything,
It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty,
lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit.
"World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. Oh, goody. From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species.
All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!
but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that. lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here.
You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home.
So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff?
Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha!
Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!
Come on. Morty!
Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.
And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend!
this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself. This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she's a marine biologist. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise.
Best weekend ever, Rick.
Oh, man, Rick!
Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell?
Yeah, uh, my name is Ron Benson. I'm an electrical engineer, father of two, and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings, I'm a member of this planet's top race! Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper.
Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse.
Where is Marty? [conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected!
we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!! Hey. Uh...
Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve!
Problem solved.
Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder.
JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not.
Wait, what?
MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering -- No, l'll G-- I'll get your info from Summer.
Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?
Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!
Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.
They're robots! Aah!
Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now.
Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,
What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right?
Alexand--
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker!
There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business.
What do you know about friendship, Jerry? Confirmed, shipping Jerry. - Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! - Oh, god! Jerry! Dad! Dad! Where is it taking him? I assume planet Squanch -- 6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.
I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale.
but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things.
I don't want girls. I want Jessica. Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate.
How long will you be visiting Earth? Oh, we live here. We were just off-planet for a wedding. Go that way.
You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a --
Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative,
We -- you're a real true hero out in the field.
We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow!
Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.
Owl, Oof! Ugh!
Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.
That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?
You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!
Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!
Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke."
Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna."
Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me.
Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now!
Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.
go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,
Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me!
Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.
Babylegs, you’re a good detective. But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs. Hey, there. Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill
This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa!
Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.
You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.
Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity.
Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now.
More are coming.
Hello. Guess who just sold the apples campaign. Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay.
I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh?
She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!
Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh.
It's a good-a show!
Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants?
Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back!
This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no. I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em. RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty,
The rest is annoying garbage.
I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote.
Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me. Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll,
Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.
"Cape Fear"! "Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."
Where is Marty?
All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying.
Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,
T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.
This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.
W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?
We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,
We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!
How?
Aah! Unh!
What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.
Hey, what are you in tar?
Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me?
No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f
Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention, there are extensive medical records open on my desktop, and I trust you to confine your activities.., to the purely pornographic. Absolutely! Good luck. My god!
Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,
And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers!
Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir? - Holy hell. - Sir! Hold your fire! What's going on?
Jesus.
Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.
...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out.
Help! Help! Aah! Aah!
RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit.
Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.
- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh,
Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!
All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out!
We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!
Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick,
J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man!
you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith.
l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable. Which I also wouldn't do! I'm just saying, it's bad craftsmanship.
Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.
Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama '
But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy!
I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.
But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.
Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,
Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!
Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you.
I'm a troublesome octopus person. Uh-Oh. I gotta save some trouble 'cause here comes a trouble mite. SUMMER: Gross! Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?
Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?
- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!
That's planning for failure, Marty, Even dumber than regular planning. Balls.
puppeteered by somebody else.
Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh?
Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!
That's the best sex I've ever had in my life.
Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!
Your destination is below. We're all out of off-white Persian. Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?! Drop the gun. You don't understand! This guy was gonna kill someone! I guess that makes two of us, Aah! What are you doing, Marty? This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory,
Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick.
"Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich.
Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer.
Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.
Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!
it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it!
What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.
Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!
And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing.
Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah!
Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby!
"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!
Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.
Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind. I love you.
That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out!
...five -- Sir?
Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.
Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!
Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes.
TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica.
Oh, I... Plutonians. Jerry Smith is a scientist from Earth, where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet.
He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!
Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!
Okay, wait here. I want to come with. Don't come with. It's boring. lt's -- it's business stuff. What kind of business do you do in a garage? You know, this seems a little shady. Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty?
Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!
Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --
J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning.
Even dumber than regular planning. Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing.
Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.
Oh, I love to hear you sing.
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.
Calling all Jan Michael Vincents. ANNOUNCER: Ina world where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents, MAN: We need one Jan Michael Vincent to Quadrant "C." We need two Jan Michael Vincents to Quadrant "E." ...and l 6 Quadrants, There's only enough time for a Jan Michael Vincent to make it to a quadrant. He can't be at two quadrants at once.
J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty!
Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.
And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that. Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose.
And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack.
I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife.
But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine! Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about.
Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.
Great. Hey, you know what, Marty?
Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.
What about weapons?!
Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'.
No! Don't flashback!
Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you. l'm counting to three, Jerry.
If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.
J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie?
W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people! Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo! D-don't dodge the issue, Rick!
I am yours until my death. ALL: Aww! Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson! J, Girl, you got it going on J,
Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!
Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder,
Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.
I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians!
I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized.
Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!
Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here!
R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse.
What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?!
No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f
RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later.
J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you.
What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something.
Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly!
Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber.
You can put your fingers wherever you want.
You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal,
What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!
An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around,
Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad. You're a genius at that. Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter.
- Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?
I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse.
I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,
It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho! J, Oh, it feels good J, Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece,
Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick.
Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned,
and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.
WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold, or is itjust me? I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp.
sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel. Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop, What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.
Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed!
Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death!
This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch!
Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat.
I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day!
I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.
Fair enough. Thank you, kind sir. Our village is saved! You are both true heroes! Oh! Good job, Morty. Looks like you won the bet.
Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!
the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room? Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?
It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land. Too fast.
Where's the van, Marty? It's over the horizon in the driveway.
It's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans have held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front ofthemselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-And-So-Dick. I've got such-and-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh.
I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?
...ovenless brownies!
Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?
l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.
they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.
Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing!
Ow! Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me!
Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um...
As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.
Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on!
J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
Rick!
Come on, Rick. There's a giant in the clouds! Yeah. Beginner's luck.
so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good.
J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,
Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.
J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."
Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up!
"Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.
What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!
- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on?
They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty! The shoes have to be turned on! BETH: I am not putting my father in a home!
You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves.
Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,
Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school?
He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?
Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.
but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick!
Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me!
RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones,
What's that dipshit doing out there?
I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it...
I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you.
you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!
We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size,
Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred.
Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos.
Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit.
In my butt?
J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.
Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you, but there is still time. I am yours until my death. ALL: Aww! Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson!
Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.
Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car?
Quite an operation you got going here, Une. You're a whole planet now, huh? After we broke up, I spent some time wandering through space. Then I found this world... ...where l was better able to focus on my passion for unification. You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up,
- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!
We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.
Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.
From Summer being a total bitch!
You know what I mean?
He is the one true Marty!
it’s "Saturday Night Live, "
All right, there's six of us, And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester!
Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves, and then worry about all this later? Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick. You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?
Oh, no!
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!
They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad. Let's find a control room or something. JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it.
He's a good guy, isn't he?
Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car.
These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips. RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all. Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it!
JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government?
Well, yeah, but you know they changed it. Marty, nobody changed the planets. I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet. They changed it in 2006, Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree? That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Marty, Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree.
I love you, Jerry. I love you.
and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!
JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!
what do you think? You're fired. Wha-- But t-this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation. Well, then, it was a terrible simulation. Get out. Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?
I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,
Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?
what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather. Out of my way. Okay. lf sanity's been restored to this assembly, I'd like to talk about the cast of repairing our new organ.
Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego,
J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion.
It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels.
- Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.
Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5,
Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty,
Dad, please. What are you saying? Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them --
I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday! Well, did you even consider how that might make me feel?! How you feel?! Why is everything always happening to you?!
Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick?
There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time!
You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.
You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.
Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars.
You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded!
Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth.
All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
"We."
Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah! Grandpa Rick, where are we going?
Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally. Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!
Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty,
You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!
Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah!
Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick.
Are you mad?! Everybody, in here! Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F... Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today.
I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty!
A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine. Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore.
Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!
ALL: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oof! Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers.
[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick?
You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty? Any idea what that is down there? The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are.
Drop the gun.
Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.
Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?!
but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.
and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah.
We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them. Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe.
What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J,
Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?
It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name.
- What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.
Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!
Rick!
Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?
Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.
I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...
J, Everybody just wants to be free J, J, Look away from the sky J,
- My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?
What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean?
What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.
Suit yourself.
I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.
one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth?
Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged. This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera.
My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead.
I don't get it.
Now, for the love of god, be quiet. The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy. You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice.
Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
I hate acting. I hate cocaine. I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been. J, Give me a name J,
Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun. Like, letting go ofthe need to be popular is what makes people like you. The most important love you can receive is from yourself. Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club!
Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,
I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance? I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. Ohh! No, Morty Jr.! Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you!
Yes, Morty?
But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!
Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.
this man was a registered sex offender.
I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll, Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving.
Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. You got to get those seeds out of your ass. Oh, look, honey.
They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am -- Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live?
Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty,
Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues?
or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!
Well, l was thinking, you know, w-w-- could you make some sort of chemical thing happen inside of Jessica's mind, you know, so where she falls in love with me and all that sort ofthing? You know, like, some sort of love potion or something? Marty, that's such a poor use of my time. lt's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.
Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god,
RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones,
The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies,
Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!
All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!
Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?
I assume planet Squanch --
It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.
Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.
Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt?
Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.
It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times.
You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever.
Jerry?
I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!
We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, "
Is that a lot? Is it a little?
Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J,
you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay --
we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!
an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.
Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,
Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class.
Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work,
My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something?
Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty!
You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.
Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.
Good bye. Yeah!
We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up!
Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will...
I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise.
For the love of god, get dressed!
And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator.
You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie!
We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,
My -- my -- my -- my man!
- I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!
What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?
Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.
Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat?
Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy.
We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father.
A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.
As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez. That's odd. This deer's wounded. Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in.
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look!
I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J,
Run! Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!
'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this.
It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch!
Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?
l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh?
No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.
Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God.
O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!
The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then? its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. " Holy crap. I am winning a nobel prize. Come on. Time's up. I'm taming a lion. No, wait. There are film cameras.
Here's another quick mystery.
How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy?
triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got.
starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Gar Ma Nar Nar, three, um, um, um... i ll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all,
J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,
and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay?
Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty!
Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.
We assume you are from a more primitive world, where men are still permitted to be servants. If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. He's my slave. He's my slave. He's definitely my slave. Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?
It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around.
Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.
y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.
Come on! Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck.
It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat?
Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,
Marty, take the wheel!
Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.
Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!
Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place?
- Whoa! Whoa! - Yeah! Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy. Rick, lce-T, could you guys take it less easy?! We've got six hours to come up with a song! Genius happens in the moment, Morty. Well, can we at least go get our family? You know, so we can take them wis-- With u-- with us if we lose? That's planning for failure, Marty, Even dumber than regular planning.
naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles.
Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead.
Pluto is... ...not a planet.
where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf-- We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto." And a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry? Pluto is a planet.
Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry!
Not on my watch.
l have a rare antique- coin collection!
Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight...
I don't know -- predictable? When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. Give me a break.
You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL:
For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day!
Oh, he might have said to take it outside. RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god, Well, I did my job. Summer did herjob. Now all Marty has to do is finish listening to that tale. BLANE: Maybe I don't need a new friend.
Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever.
Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay, which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts,
Oh, my God!
lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,
If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot?
Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,
I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!
He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah!
But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,
I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.
Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What?
Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here --
Time to go home.
Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?
Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.
Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified!
We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No!
Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship.
Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.
My god. Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved if we replace his heart with your human penis. I see. Wait, what? It's perfect.
'cause cob planet is off the table.
Oh, the Hulk. I just got that.
Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm.
Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert!
Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way -- Already lost interest. Get in the car.
Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever.
So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world,
- Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four. Your marriage can rest easy now.
Rick, I know you're in there!
Dad, why does our house have blast shields?
W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell?
which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.
MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!
Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three. See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right!
but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.
Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,
Ohhhhh!
Eh, unless she has the flu.
Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty,
SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer. She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey. Shut up, Jerry. Okay. Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.
Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening. Well, well, well.
You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.
Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick?
Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders.
You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big,
I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV, Mrs. Sullivan always planned to leave everything to her cats.
Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.
Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him! No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.
Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through.
SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing.
Morty...
Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why? Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?!
which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being.
It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself.
Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.
Hey, don't shove me!
Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal!
Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.
Good luck.
Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer.
...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry! Hey, uh, come here.
Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes.
What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way.
Yeah, Tammy! But then I think, you know, in a lot ofways, l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth. In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded.
and my grandson wants the sex robot.
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever.
Yeah, bra, Yeah.
Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places.
Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.
I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing.
"Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty, Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty, That way you can, you know -- y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?
Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins!
Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.
J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty.
Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!
what have you done for me lately?
Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today? None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice. Hey, Marty, there's our Jerry. Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick.
...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.
No! Let me ask you a question, Ethan.
Next time I party, I'm just gonna focus on getting totally wrecked.
Aah! Red alert! Ohhhhh!
Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.
I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. I am here if you need to talk. - What is this place? - Paradise. We built it during the great passive-aggression, when the females separated from the males due to their increasingly destructive behavior. I am here if you need to talk. I am here if you need to talk.
Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.
Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace!
MORTY: Oh! Oh! Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people.
Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up!
Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,
Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-,
and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters. And then a giant tornado came. And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear. A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes.
Uh, sir? There's not a problem. What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it! I'm trying!
No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything.
Oh, my god!
Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad.
l've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small. It's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans have held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front ofthemselves and called out,
...not a planet.
I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job.
Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.
HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!
l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap!
Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Oh, my god! Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk? Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut? Uh, l'm...not sure. Exactly.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah! Grandpa Rick, where are we going? Well, obviously, Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?
MORTY: I gotta tell you, Rick. It's pretty great... to be in this spaceship, just the two of us, you know? Just cruising around, Rick and Marty style. I agree, Marty, It's nice to get back to the basics after a pretty intense, mixed-bag of a year. - Ohh! - Relax. That's what windshields are for. I didn't know that there were bugs out in space.
Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.
Hey, wait a minute, Rick. I thought this was a commercial. What's going on? Relax, Marty, Don't -- don't worry about it, Let's just see where this goes. Step on W We all got places to be! f honks horn f Son of a bitch.
Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies.
Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?
my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez? Okay, you're just making stuff up now,
I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh?
Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo!
Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer. Oh, my god, Toby Matthews is asking...
MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.
Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you.
so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day.
But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?
and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes.
Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach.
I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty.
lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this? You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty? Any idea what that is down there? The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them.
so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad.
Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!
Goddamn it,
You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.
Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.
- Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four. Your marriage can rest easy now.
Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go.
Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick.
Open fire! Aah!
WhOops. I'm sorry, Mr. Needful. l'll clean that up, I don't know what I can do about the ghost lady that came out of it, but -- It's fine. Summer, you know, your grandfather's right. This store curses people. That's my business. Well, yeah. Fast-food gives people diabetes, and clothing stores have sweatshops.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.
Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song,
The E-Arth relationships are simpler.
Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
you've just gone where ice cream is. Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break Mom's heart. And I won't forgive you for that. Where's the van, Marty? It's over the horizon in the driveway.
Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this.
Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh?
Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers.
Back off! I'm trying to be with my man!
Noooooo!
Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government.
Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,
I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know,
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J, Ooh! Ooh!
What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on!
You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house?
I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways.
They changed it in 2006,
Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right?
Was I one ofthose guys? The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards, Well... I got you pregnant.
In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here?
Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side ofthe screen like that? I don't know, Marty, See what else is on, huh? Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. " i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this.
I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards. COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137,
Thank you, Fido.
J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J, Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham.
Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go.
Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.
Good luck.
Oh, shit, dawg.
f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, " ANNC)UNCER: More "Personal Space " next Tuesday at 8:00. Up next, the heat is turning up with Samantha and the Boys on "The Northsiders. " f speaking alien language f
Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad.
Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.
Welcome back to "Funny Songs." It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience. Um, longtime fan ofthe show. Uh -- What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music.
Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.
Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool.
- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car,
Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways,
Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death!
Isn't that what adventures do?
ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is...
but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right?
Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?!
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.
Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty.
Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario -- we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty,
What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help?
And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.
Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain.
Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity,
Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.
Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but if Marty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there,
Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome.
This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!
Why am I so mediocre?
Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.
Y-Y-Y-- o-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! l-l-l'm just an object! Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Marty, Now, for the love of god, be quiet. The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy.
Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!
You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.
Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.
There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated!
Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom.
Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?
"Uh, Tammy, you're a high-School senior from the planet Earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!"
SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer. She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey. Shut up, Jerry. Okay. Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.
It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"?
I like it, Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!
l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.
Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!
Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one's bigger.
Like The Insane Clown Passe,
Class dismissed. Geez.
I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!
How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.
Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases? Hey, doc. I got news for you.
How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland. Shut up. Here, put these on.
Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,
Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific?
You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards.
So, what do you think? You wanna... keep this marriage going a while longer? At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way --
l have to admit,
Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.
Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry.
Run, Marty!
You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit.
Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!
Did that not even happen?
Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?
Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty. I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together.
Us?!
Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here?
Go with the flow,
Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all.
They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca. I'd like that.
Gentlemen, gentlemen! One at a time! Simon? Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom,
This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs.
Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!
J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has --
Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J,
Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.
Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you!
This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?
A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."
- Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty?
Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!
Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here.
Would you like to ride the bone train? Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go! Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot.
J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, ...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass.
Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time?
Here, let me take care of this. Geez, Rick, that's disgusting. I don't wanna look at that.
I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories,
Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house.
Brad! Stupid! Rick!
No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything.
l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.
...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass. Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J, J, lt's schwifty time today J, Hmm.
But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,
It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four." Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something.
What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it.
Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching.
Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.
I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV, Mrs. Sullivan always planned to leave everything to her cats.
Hi, Frank.
Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?
There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way!
Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity,
Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars. I mean, wouldn't the cars always win?
- Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh? Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson. Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.? Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel.
Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty?
All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. You guys, we got to hurry.
What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave.
Jessica.
I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank. What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us,
Yeah. Totally. Let's go. You will walk when it is time to walk. What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah.
Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!
I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new.
Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now.
He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me.
God damn it! God damn it!!
Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school.
They're -- they're chewing through the doors!
Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up,
There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad? l'm ignoring you.
Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.
It's called "Ooh let me out!"
- Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.
Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --
poof. Um, a party? ls everyone in your family an idiot? Well, for sure me and my Dad are. Well, all you have to do is get him to admit that,
Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight.
You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you. Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.
Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud.
You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah!
SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer. She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey. Shut up, Jerry. Okay. Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight. Scary stuff, huh? Pretty freaky.
- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.
My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair.
Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!
But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything.
"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story, to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it. Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black.
Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me!
Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.
one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty --
You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one. J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J,
Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain.
Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.
I'm not going to fit. Beth, listen to me. You're going to get outta here. You're gonna go on, and -- Jerry, just leave the door. It's not a door, Beth. It's debris. I don't care. Just leave it, Yeah. Okay.
I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass!
Do you like this?
Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs. He's probably racing to cure its space AIDS. - He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it! BOTH: Shut up!
Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl.
Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today. RICK: You gotta be careful, Marty,
MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up,
57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.
What is my purpose?
white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --
So, we'll be detaching your sexual organ at the base by making incisions here, here, and here.
MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.
Hey, Marty, What?
Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it,
but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn. Finally. I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline. I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born.
I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
Everything cool in here, Beth? It's fine, Davin. Okay, cool. You know, we did something great today. There's nothing more noble and free than the heart of a horse. Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, lwill come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies.
Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand.
It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.
Oh...um... "Bitch."
Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.
What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,
Yo, ding-dong, we're done here. Time to go. Well, Jerry I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but --
This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people,
I like your feathers. They are designed to attract the attention of the female. It's working.
It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.
Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down? Well, it's bath, But most importantly, you got to relax. You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don't think this is working. I give up, I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.
in a world where muscular Mannies are coming, and they're coming strong, there's only three unmuscular Michaels. Get down. Hurry. Run.
The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls.
Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born.
You pass butter. Oh, my god,
Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife.
Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer.
Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever.
The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. 9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit!
J-J-J-- this is game over.
What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got. JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America,
lfyou'd stop being such an evangelical atheist,
ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.
Oh, Well, when did this stop being Jamba Juice?
I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts.
O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!
I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!
Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged.
Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!
Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry.
J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,
So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got...
J, I'm just gone J, J, How could I say goodbye? J,
Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
I'm sorry. I just got expelled, Summer! Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young. My top! Screw your top! You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life!
Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield,
ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--
Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty,
No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.
it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery.
Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.
No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.
May I assist you with that? Uh, sure, yeah. Thanks. Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me."
Oh, Okay, good. This is gonna be fun.
Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar!
Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--
Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!
M-my drink is empty.
undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.
Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that!
Every weekend, Jacks and Roses have their Titanic experience in this car, and lhave to mop it up, The floor drops out to make it easier. But now it's my turn. We're going to get it nice and steamy in there, and I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint,
Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.
Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!
Begin phase two.
Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin. Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J,
Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over. Whoa, Dad, you can't, like, endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away. Why not? I don't know. lt's Indian giving.
Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.
It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can --
Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart.
This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,
the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.
Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.
Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show.
If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.
Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!
Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick! Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic!
No! No! Ow!
Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern. And listen. Yes?
but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.
Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS!
Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter?
Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man.
...between one guy who can't get a break... There's something about you, Mrs. Sullivan. ...and nine cats who break all the rules. "Last Will and Testi-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House // " Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts?
Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu...
Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch.
Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine.
I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me!
And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.
Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.
Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.
I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about!
Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.
Well, maybe you're right.
J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water...
SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker! Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful.
It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.
Rubber baby baby bunkers!
Mrs. Sullivan always planned to leave everything to her cats. But sometimes, plans need a helping paw, What are the kitties to do but buckle together and work as a team F Mrs. Sullivan, l -- please, forgive me for being forward,
l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then.
' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us, And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.
Delivery for Rick. Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry. Gross. What is that thing? It's a courier flap.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf--
J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.
Get back! Wait, for real? You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around! How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch!
String Theory, World History, the Human Genome --
I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years? Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases.
Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices,
Ha ha! Sorry, dude!
This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family.
You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war! Ugh! Why are you fighting?!
That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd.
Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!
Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?
Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see,
You're doing great, Marty, Really? You think? I mean, I'm not doing much of anything. What do I do if it cries? Then you put it down and let it cry itself out. Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer, and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it.
Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher. Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg.
SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer. She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey. Shut up, Jerry.
Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi.
What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer!
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it.
Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me! l-l never intended to harm you, I swear. I am trying to end the festival. W-W-What do you mean? l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival. Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little.
You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!
RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!
Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing. Then Jacob came into our lives, and...we're learning to live again. All three of us, Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there.
Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!
- Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome.
You could play guitar. You could masturbate.
Whoa, Dad, you can't, like, endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away. Why not? I don't know.
Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty --
"Ro y 2"just got here. Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.
Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.
Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!
Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina.
Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did,
but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?
Right? And who needs that?
GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you,
Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals. Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job!
Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name. Here's another slogan right below that one. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it,
Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school.
it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!
lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.
"I don't give a fuck!"
Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins. I'll take two. Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,
He's saying "I love Obama." So cute!
Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?
- Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?
So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew!
MORTY: Entrance to what?
Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them.
It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.
You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you. Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry.
And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this.
Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say.
Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man!
Why couldn't I bring my portal gun?
"Uh, Tammy, you're a high-School senior from the planet Earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!" Yeah, Tammy! But then I think, you know, in a lot ofways, l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth. In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation,
Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.
I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't.
Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty!
Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry!
You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop, You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick. What do you know, Marty? What do you know?
Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!
Hey, you don't know me!
- No. - And away we go! And away we go!
Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it,
Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!
Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica.
You don't have to mollycoddle me. I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing. I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest-- - Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you,
I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease.
BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?
No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?
Aah! Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?
It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty.
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty, in a world where muscular Mannies are coming, and they're coming strong, there's only three unmuscular Michaels.
Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one.
Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario --
This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent!
It's a good-a show!
I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...
Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s? What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?
Which I also wouldn't do!
Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,
- Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty, The last time you felt something, we all almost died.
You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.
W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick?
Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,
See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.
Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood"
"Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty, Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty, That way you can, you know -- y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just,
and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty,
The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now.
Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now. Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples.
and you can shoot thingsl Get over here! Play the games! Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets! "Ro y 2"just got here. Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!
Spleen Mountain?
J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold,
You're beyond our reasoning!
but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here.
l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here. You can have this back. You didn't use it?
You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy!
Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math.
lt's gratuitous at this point.
Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second.
Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!
- Unity, what's happening? - Who's Unity? You kids have nice feet. Mind if I take a picture?
Up next, the heat is turning up with Samantha and the Boys on "The Northsiders. "
Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.
Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that?
Absolutely! Good luck.
Uh-oh.
6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.
Come on. It's not every day that I'm town. It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet? I can do whatever you do and more, baby.
i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty, in a world where muscular Mannies are coming, and they're coming strong,
Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again.
I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird. It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Marty, Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins.
You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable.
Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty?
l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love --
Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word?
I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.
to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.
Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this?
I'm peeing all over your special guns.
What's your name? My name is... Alexand--
Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta!
J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?
That's where my seeds are. lfwe would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them,
May I assist you with that? Uh, sure, yeah. Thanks. Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me." Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically. No, Marty, Your grandfather is, indeed,
So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.
I smell the violation of civil liberties!
Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young?
Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick! Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic!
I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad.
No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can --
Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round?
Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.
one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know?
Wha?
Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right?
ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.
Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!
Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple!
Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!
If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.
then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there.
What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him?
I am not staring at you. I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. This is a candid shot. I don't require a camera so -- Sorry. Hi. I am not staring at you-,
Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension.
Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.
Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!
Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here!
The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!
Holy shit!
I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,
Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right?
I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick. I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty, Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief.
Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.
Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me.
your family, your leaders, but they're not themselves anymore. They're part of...it. Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,
Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!
I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.
100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com.
Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it, Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume,
I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick?
Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane!
O h, my god!
This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song,
Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!
Hey!
Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,
My gear-turnings as ofyet in the curious case of these unidentified humanoid fugitives, reportedly at large somewhere within the gear system. Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms,
Yeah! We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now!
but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty.
What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it! HEADS: Hooray! Yeah.
It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.
J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
but it also made me impotent! A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed!
Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!
Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!
Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god!
You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around!
Happy human holiday, Dad.
It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!
They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb.
and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being, I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme?
He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb.
Dad, that is so sweet!
That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Marty, Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez! I just gotta go to the bathroom. Damn. Oh, Okay, good.
Smith Jr/s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father," in every store and on everyone's mind. Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"?
Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!
who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?
Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die.
My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?
Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind.
The nipple hole. It's beautiful. Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!
Aah! Unh! Class dismissed.
- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife.
I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas!
Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three.
HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please!
Grandpa, go home and drink. Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age. Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science.
The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine. Help! There is no escape, my son.
Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?"
Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!
RICK: I'm almost there, Marty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,
Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? Mmm! Oh, boy, Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers." I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.
Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.
Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh. Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!
Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?
My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey...
Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.
Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you.
I-I'm sorry, Jacob. I-I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and origin of your relationship with my parents. Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son. Now, wait. Th-there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared 40 years of each other, mind,
Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny! Here comes another funny.
so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.
Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm...
let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty,
Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today.
Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly?
I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --
Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days.
What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you,
I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really.
because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?
- Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb!
Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention.
Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome!
and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little.
Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi!
It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now!
You guys are talking about my species. We understand genocide. We do it sometimes. Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live? Stop asking! Yes, lwill! That's right, assholes. Take my penis. Take it all! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling,
Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...
Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.
I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"?
Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,
Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think.
And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.
Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!
The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!
Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad.
All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart!
Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds."
Our village is saved! You are both true heroes! Oh!
Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!!
Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around.
Birdperson.
I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me! Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.
Mm. Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure? That's right, Mrs. Smith. Give in to your anger. Neglect that deer. Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of of elk, moose, deer, and stag.
I'm Jerry Smith. All right. I'll just...get to the pitch. Um, simple question, gentlemen, what are apples? Excuse me. Ahh, What are apples? Apples are food.
Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!
You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn.
Wha? Oh my God, the track!
Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god. Where did you learn to talk, you grandpa-stealing slut? I'm feeling... Ugh. Oh, man, let me help all of you guys up. ALL: I'm fine.
Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough!
I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one's bigger. This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob!
I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die!
Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty, That way you can, you know -- y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j--
So, what -- y-y-y-y-you're just gonna give up?
I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers.
I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:
Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.
What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going... to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl. Gee, thanks, Brad.
My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great.
And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it. With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice. What in the hell? Sex sells, Marty, Sex sells what?
and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!
Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.
Disqualified.
It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it?
Ooh, well, for millennia,
TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families,
We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,
Hmm. Human music. I like it,
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever.
It's too late. Ladies and gentlemen... don't brace yourselves. JERRY: No! What happened?! WOMAN: Their rail system must have failed. Totally gonna get laid tonight. I like your feathers. They are designed to attract the attention of the female.
Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors.
I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame!
Oh, shit.
H-hello? Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it.
but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.
And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!
What you got going on there? Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over.
No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves Alan Jefferson or something like that. It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole?
lt's shrinking because of corporations. Yeah, that's what that anti-planet nut job Scrcocopy Noopers was screaming about outside the Ministry of Money's Fundraiser. Are you telling me four billion Plutonians are wrong? You said science wasn't easy. I said science isn't always easy. Obviously, that means sometimes it is easy. Let's not debase ourselves with word games, son.
I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!
- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!
We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three. See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?!
J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.
You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,
That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.
Well, I know /'m ready to try whatever it takes. Which clearly implies that I'm not. It's not a competition, Beth. on is that how you're gonna try to win, by implying /'m competitive? lfthe shoe fits. My shoe fits up your ass. You wish! RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday! JERRY: Oh! Jerk. Don't insult my father. He's the reason our kids are only half-stupid.
Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!
Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.
I don't want to blow it. Okay, I get it. I'm cramping your style.
Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator.
MORTY: I gotta tell you, Rick. It's pretty great... to be in this spaceship, just the two of us, you know? Just cruising around, Rick and Marty style. I agree, Marty, It's nice to get back to the basics after a pretty intense, mixed-bag of a year. - Ohh! - Relax. That's what windshields are for. I didn't know that there were bugs out in space. Well, w-what did you think, Marty? Life just developed on Earth by itself?
Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!
I sat through his entire screenplay --
When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!
Are you? You're not. Or are you?
Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work,
Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.
Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life?
What do you do?
GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts.
Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time.
Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! - Out. - Whatcha doin'? Well, I can't solve the problem my way, thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups. Gross. I might havejust touched one of Morty's loads. But maybe I can find suitable parents for Marty Jr, on this robot's home world, which is...
Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?
Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run"
South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better.
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!
Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!
Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time?
Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs,
Worst-case scenario -- we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.
Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
- Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!
W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity.
it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.
It's okay. We're not gonna hurt you. My name is Marty, This is my grandpa. - We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified...
It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no.
I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery.
Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap!
This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee,
- What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker!
Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!
I like hanging out. Tiny Rick!
I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What? For real? TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled.
S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land.
i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside.
This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.
You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic.
But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs. Hey, there. Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill Wow, you sure found this guy quick,
Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!
I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!
but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry.
Hello, there.
Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, " ANNC)UNCER: More "Personal Space " next Tuesday at 8:00.
Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?
I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture.
So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...?
This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria, but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!
Hey, Squanchy. Marty, Summer! And you must be Beth. Mwah! Ensquanche! Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, like the Smurfthing? Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Oh, Okay.
What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.
Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you.
Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children!
Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective. Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast. [ trifling f All right, l’m not gonna get him. [just learned a real valuable lesson.
You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.
Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker.
It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great.
Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --
/'m the E yeho!e... Man. /'m the only one that's allowed to have E yeho!es. Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today. RICK: You gotta be careful, Marty, If that guy catches you with a box of his Eyeholes,
Oh, man. I cannot wait -- I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone. Jerry, stop, please, okay? We weren't even supposed to be down here. Ifwe confront him about this -- Oh, my god! I love this. I love that this is how far you will go for him.
l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me!
Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world,
It runs in the family. I can tolerate it,
All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, But these gears just started turnin'.
Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.
Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out.
This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,
Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.
- Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything.
Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.
A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers,
Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks?
It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.
You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.
All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com.
Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me!
Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah!
You're right. Kill Pencilvester.
Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!
J, I hurt myselftoday J, f woman speaking gibberish ] For English, press 2 [ beep) Connecting to agent.
Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty,
MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. ..
We killed a vampire anda gym teacher. Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer.
- Seems a little insincere. - What? No, You don't have to mollycoddle me. I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing. I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest-- - Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door,
- Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor.
They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.
You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go. Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings,
Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality!
Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe.
At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine. I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this.
Let me show you how it works.
The floor drops out to make it easier. But now it's my turn. We're going to get it nice and steamy in there, and I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint, and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean.
I promise to be yours until your death. Nice! ALL: Aww! Birdperson.
And the final ingredient...
Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ.
Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me! Just try to relax. You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!
Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?
Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.
Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.
Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!
Uhhh...
It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. What? I'm an angry father, not an improvisor. Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff.
I don't want to hear it, Summer!
Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic. Speaking of disasters, Dad, we are leaving you in charge. I know, c-can we wrap this up? Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage. Hey, don't blow me off. I am drawing a line, okay? Any damage to this house or these children when we get back, and...
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face."
Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.
And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.
Oh, my god!
I need food. Who's got food for that guy?
l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her!
Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system."
Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!
I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing? Hmm?
If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this?
Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.
Jerry, get a job. Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry? You're the man ofthe house, and you don't have a job. Delivery for Rick. Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry. Gross. What is that thing? It's a courier flap. It's like the intergalactic version of UPS, but less off-putting.
Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this!
Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here?
What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due?
I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,
All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you?
Sex is sacred!
But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then? its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "
I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring.
two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Gar Ma Nar Nar, three, um, um, um... i ll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year,
JERRY: No! What happened?! WOMAN: Their rail system must have failed. Totally gonna get laid tonight. I like your feathers.
Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.
Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?
it’s a 45-horsepower with antiiock brakes, and " the official car of "Mr, Sneezy 3D. " it’s the brand-new Sneezy XL. The horn, when you honk it, makes a sneeze noise. it’s polite, " right,
Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.
It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me --
I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great.
Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon.
Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not.
Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!
Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!
MAN: It's a good show.
- What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.
You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!
Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?
Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't. All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this,
Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years? Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub!
technically, the second freezer drawer is mine.
You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything?
Yeah -- j-just don't do it.
Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up!
Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --
- Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.
you target-chest piece of shit. Race war! Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer.
There's a criminal to kill
Stupid motherfucker!
And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,
I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!
because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting.
Seriously?
No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!
Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days. What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you.
Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!
All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve!
f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf--
That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.
Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline.
Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!
Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!
- Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.
Wubby lubby doob doob!
FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.
Class dismissed. Geez.
Hey, Marty, let me -- let me -- let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius." Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know?
So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show.
He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.
Our family just has interdimensional goggles to show us for a fact that we're not.
A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!
55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves.
She's aced every test in potato class, and look how important potatoes have become. She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew. Please help me. You can reach me if you try. Please help me! That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving.
Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you.
Where's the helicopter? There is no helicopter. And there is no Cervine Institute. But the top deer surgeon-, I'm looking at her. Thanks for teeing me up like that. You better get moving. These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work. They're not gonna last all night.
Oh, my god!
NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt"., Plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches.
Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store?
- JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine. Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.
Thank you, Seattle.
I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,
So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge? l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh?
You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty, for them to work. Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!
What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty,
Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad.
Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain!
You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around,
J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J, J, And everything is one in the beauty J, J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah!
Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester. Summer, I've always loved you!
The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads!
we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,
That's the last straw!
H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No!
That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom!
- English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.
I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms.
Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
Mr. Jerry Smith.
You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different, none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work.
- You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that?
What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!
I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything. Yeah. But I feel like one ofthe 64 Ricks, like, sacrificed himself for me? - Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty, The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little piece of shit.
I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school.
lt detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone,"
Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.
and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored...
What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.
Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
minute to talk? Yes.
Y-y-you're a monster.
Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!
Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.
and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful.
10,9... All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.
Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet.
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,
J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,
MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off.
Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space. Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space. Eight, personal space. Nine, personal space.
No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.
Drop the portal gun.
I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!
I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.
Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it.
What the fuck is going on?
Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science,
Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right?
You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us!
What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.
Grandpa Rick, where are we going? Well, obviously, Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar? Ticketmaster. Oh, there -- there we go, Summer. Hey -- hey, brother. Hey, bra, Nice racket you got going on here.
Aah!
Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world
This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty,
What? This isn't healthy, Rick. You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know? You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity?
Go change.
Y-y -- are you a simulation?!
Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!
You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison.
6, 10, what's the difference?
FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me!
Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop --
- Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. We will give you passage back home so it can be terminated. But first, mojitos. We don't have time for mojitos. - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! This place is the worst! I want to go home!
MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me.
You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.
Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars.
What's -- what's up?
Hey, there.
Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!
I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?!
W-where's my wife?!
It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.
they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions.
lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich!
l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him! How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean.
lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J,
And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.
Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.
Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty! The shoes have to be turned on!
REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many.
That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth?
But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later.
Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside.
Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.
As we can all see, this is hardly the real Garrrh and Zharbidar. Which is good, because the relationship in their heads is not only ugly, it's unsustainable. You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different,
"Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car. On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand.
Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover,
No, I'm okay. Whoa!
Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage! Do you mean this? Summer for for the win.
Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough.
Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!
Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back.
Where's the van, Marty? It's over the horizon in the driveway.
- Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god!
The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. We will give you passage back home so it can be terminated. But first, mojitos. We don't have time for mojitos. - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer!
JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,
Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying?
I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back?
I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone.
Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute.
bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four." Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth.
RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all. Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.
I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board.
BETH: What is that supposed to mean?
No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f
Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!
Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.
It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty!
Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,
SUMMER:
He is the one true Marty! Hooray! The one true Marty! Hey, keep it down!
Oh, my god!
Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what. Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something.
ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.
But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?
That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it? I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart. I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles!
Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb...
W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving.
JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband!
Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.
Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up?
That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me!
Hit the sack, Jack.
Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!
ALL:
You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me!
Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern. And listen. Yes? I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life?
Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.
to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick!
l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god!
- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars.
JERRY: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk. Jerry, get a job. Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry? You're the man ofthe house, and you don't have a job.
Aah! Unh! Class dismissed. Geez.
The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why? Sundown is when the festival begins. The festival? Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, Living in perfect peace. Oh, I know what this is!
Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion,
Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!
This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.
f monitor beeping f
Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go! Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick.
Marty, crack the window.
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine.
[just learned a real valuable lesson. l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief.
Ethan?
they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there,
Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks!
J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,
No idea what you're talking about.
Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.
You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?
Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.
Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?
Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!
What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now. Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!
W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God!
Aah!
You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.
Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg.
Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'.
You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.
Aw, Thank you.
Marty, Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J,
So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out. You know what? I'm taking this.
No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here!
we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart.
Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.
Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English?
Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait.
Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?
She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land.
You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive?
You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass!
Sanchez? Are you a musician? l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51.
Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com.
You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up,
That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.
Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.
Neglect that deer. Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of of elk, moose, deer, and stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends.
Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe. FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful.
Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes.
Me, too. RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!
Let'sjust find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Marty, Proceed to the liver. ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat... ...liven Ow! ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick.
Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car.
Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10!
Back off!
but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!
He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy -- - They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?
I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes.
Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies,
Y-- of course I am -- just as much as my Morty's a Marty, Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own,
Did you get any ofthat?
- Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.
Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS!
RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.
Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.
He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.
so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life? We only want Sanchez, si'r. Your family Will be fine. Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,
Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry. W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.
S-Samantha. Please, mister! Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre? Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders.
Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently.
All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends.
and I need them to help me with my research, Marty, Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.
Uh-oh! Somersault jump.
Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.
One dot, motherfucker!
Holy --
Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this!
get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,
Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.
and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!
Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?
Hey, Marty, let me -- let me -- let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."
Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.
I just want to go back to hell, where everyone thinks I'm smart and funny. No! It's not fair. Everyone in this town got something they wanted from you -- even Rick. l was your only friend, and I get nothing? Okay. I'll give you one thing. Name it. I want to help you. Clever twist. I learned from the best, you old fart.
Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick.
Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't!
Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy.
Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote. MAN: Well, " omcial.
Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty,
I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little --
Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit.
Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond."
You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?
It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson.
I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.
ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking. Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally -- we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new --
J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son!
The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on?
ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold.
Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.
You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah! Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts!
Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! l-l-ls that why you're doing this, you don't want me and Rick to be happy? No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know?
Good bye.
Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.
Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today.
Then Jacob came into our lives, and...we're learning to live again. All three of us, Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man.
Jerry, stop networking. We're in space. "Jerry, get a job! Jerry, don't look for a job at an alien wedding!" I don't get you. This is the closest...
J, And the gears, they turned for a thousand years J, J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father.
Everybody stop remembering!
That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.
You shut up, you big female asshole!
Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!
we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should --
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!
Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.
Oxygen-rich atmosphere. Giant testicle monsters. We'll be fine! Let's party!
Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about?
Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god.
Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!
Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.
Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when yourworld is one.
O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay.
You're crying? Over a Marty?
What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it! I'm trying! It's too late. Ladies and gentlemen... don't brace yourselves.
I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell?
So what?
Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes.
- Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp.
lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer!
Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.
Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!
- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you.
What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty?
I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,
Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp.
Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite.
Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.
Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right. Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes!
I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.
and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,
Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god. Where did you learn to talk, you grandpa-stealing slut?
Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.
Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!
They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time.
GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible.
To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us?
Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!
Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,
ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend.
MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little.
No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.
That is su-- -- suspicious.
I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!
You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense! Or maybe there's only one deceiver here --
Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,
You know what I mean?
I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!
Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!
25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer.
Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being, I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn?
Holy crap! God damn!
Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant.
Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?
You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck.
l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs.
It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy!
Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me.
An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes,
Me, too.
I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick!
Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework? Yeah -- j-just don't do it. Grandpa! Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar? Wow, Hat trick. All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.
Balls.
Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.
Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?
but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks,
You're right. Kill Pencilvester.
l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.
Rick? How -- How did you --
That was just a baby. And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!
What is my purpose? Pass the butter.
J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!
Marty, Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J,
Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
You know when we first go there, I was like -- Give them a ship now, Marty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay! What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside! You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet!
Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?
Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here. No! Stop! I hate this!
Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!
The cone-nipple people will rule this world!
Is it autobiographical? Certainly. I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas --
Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go.
Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad!
Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.
It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains...
the fuel for accelerated space travel.
Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right.
Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick --
We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip. Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward,
I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought. MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty?
J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,
Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J,
Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair, so you can make an army of your badass self? There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are!
Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.
Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying.
Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face!
Yes.
No! Oh shit.
Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.
Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that,
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too?
Understood.
- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.
You remember that one time?
What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.
It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!
Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more. J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J,
Marty?
RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box?
J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!
Oh shit. Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.
SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!!
BOTH: Tiny Rick! Okay, but if not tonight, when? I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea, in the first place, and, now, you're trying to rush it along. Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you?
Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.
Don't fall for it, It's a bit.
Droppin' loads. ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.
What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. That's what I think of your crystals, Rick!
You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.
What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy? Not a bad trade for spider peace. All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider!
Uh, anything else. What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.
We're not on any time line, dummy.
Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker?
I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What? For real?
but it's my two cents on the issue.
No! No! Ow!
Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?
- Is that the vegan place? - Yeah, I love their soup,
All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com.
Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity. lt absorbed the minds of our people. We didn't notice until it was too late.
Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,
Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes. Would you relax, Marty? There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty,
W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government,
Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension? Sure! Let's go to the ascension. Wh-wh-what is it? We hereby send these unwantables skyward that they might be inhaled by the many Heads, later to be sneezed back to us as better babies. Headward, free now to rise. Headward, free now to rise.
J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,
Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre? Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back.
undefined Chris!
Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down.
- Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time.
Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations.
Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.
Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy!
I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. That's what I think of your crystals, Rick!
How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it,
J, Do you feel it? J,
Wait. What? Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine. And if not, like you say, no more adventures or whatever. It's like that old song "Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop." Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody?
MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --
ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move.
Nope. This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty, Anything with less than eight limbs is considered disabled here. WOMAN: Well, look at this fella. Aren't you handsome? Thank you. - I'm Jerry. - Oh, I know you are.
Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.
It's fine. Everything is fine.
I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?
Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.
the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room, where he is currently fighting for his life. My god. Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved if we replace his heart with your human penis. I see. Wait, what? It's perfect.
- SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah!
I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life.
Oh, l-l get it.
Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank.
Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!
Yeah, Marty,
No! No! Ow!
I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!
Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay? We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them.
J, Don't leave me J,
- Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa!
It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel. I actually got that on another planet. So it is an alien towel to me. - Good luck. - Thanks.
Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.
We got one screw turn... and two screw turns...
I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand.
"World peace achieved." Nice.
Wow, you sure found this guy quick, Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective. Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast. [ trifling f All right, l’m not gonna get him.
I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!
Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch!
Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.
- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about,
We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick.
J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie.
J, Everyone I know J, J, Goes away in the end J, J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J,
Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick,
Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.
I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.
How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young.
Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy,
RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!
Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser. Rick, you brought me into this world,
You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.
This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous.
Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you!
Where are my testicles, Summer?
We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet.
Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.
Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!
What do you say, Marty?
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories.
Ooh, family vacation!
Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,
I love you, Jerry. I love you.
All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know?
But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so --
Or are you? Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,
Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself. That's how friends are. Or does he want her to himself? J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke!
This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless.
Whoa! Aaah!
All right. There's six of us, and that's it,
That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out. Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on! Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go.
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!
What? Why?
Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.
This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty,
All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising.
And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,
Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait.
People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00.
Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts,
Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.
I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty?
We'll be right back after these messages.
...Morty waves,
Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.
I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here!
W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee,
Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.
Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.
We got, uh, a -- crushed red party cups, 15 1/2 brapples. Welcome back to "Funny Songs." It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience. Um, longtime fan ofthe show. Uh -- What do you do? What's your profession?
Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J,
but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him! No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.
Was I one ofthose guys? The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards, Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,,
J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men!
I love this man!
You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.
Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!
Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!
Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week!
Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96.
Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings!
Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah!
It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane.
Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that?
Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!
that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.
Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec.
Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please,
Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes!
Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside,
I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!
I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone. Jerry, stop, please, okay? We weren't even supposed to be down here. Ifwe confront him about this -- Oh, my god! I love this. I love that this is how far you will go for him. You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a Lifetime original above a fucking alien dungeon!
Beth, listen to me. You're going to get outta here. You're gonna go on, and -- Jerry, just leave the door. It's not a door, Beth. It's debris.
Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no!
But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!
Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch.
GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise -- It's never pretty. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other. As we can all see,
Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option.
Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller." Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it, Wow ! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty, You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages.
Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!
An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!
Bring up the holograms.
"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Let's just say you don't pay-, with money.
Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?
Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,
SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad! MORTY: Drive carefully! Have fun, you two. Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic. Speaking of disasters, Dad, we are leaving you in charge. I know, c-can we wrap this up? Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.
Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?
- Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot.
Class dismissed.
Ugh! Arrgghh! Ah! Uhhhhh! Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that...
Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh! If you 're from Earth, that means we’re getting married! Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson! What the hell is a Birdperson? He's Rick's best friend. Uh, l-let's not get carried away, Marty, Would you like to RSVP or send a gift? No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,
- Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it, Whatever.
What the hell?! I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?
At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh.
Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls. You know, you girls are really something, I'll tell you that. You know when we first go there, I was like -- Give them a ship now, Marty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay! What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside!
An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best.
any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat.
Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!
Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go. Thank y-o-o-ou.
That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,
if my parents are still out of town and if we can have a party! All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you? Ohh! He's asking if Tiny Rick will be here. Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party?
It's like that old song "Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop." Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares?
Hey, don't blow me off.
All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.
Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!
one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory. I'm gonna miss you, Snowball. You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.
Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?
Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most. Males... ...they get to play outside.
All right! I like your squanch! Uh, Rick, what exactly is "squanching"?
This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great.
I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see. Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way.
Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!
Pride cometh before the fall.
Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game.
Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!
What's new at school? - Nothing. - Nothing! Oh, uh, one ofthe lunch ladies died. They found her in the gym with, like, two holes in her neck and all the blood drained out of her. Good lord! Who does something like that? Obviously a vampire. W-W-Where's the pepper? Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew?
Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson.
I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already.
Huh? What? Wait? What? Stop. Rick, you got to do something quick.
I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.
My -- my -- my -- my man!
Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?
That's correct. We've evolved.
Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,
Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty, Uh, where?
So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help!
What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species, Beta Seven. Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice.
and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too. Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today?
I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me. I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry. I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you?
Here's the last of our inventory. We're going to file chapter ll and do some restructuring. Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap.
Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere,
Fine, whatever. Marty, stay. Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay!
NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt"., Plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches.
Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!
We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole.
- So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.
Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?!
You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family. Please don't do this! Please don't do this! - Summer! - Summer, listen carefully. I stole a paper clip, and I have it in my cheek, but I don't know what to do with it, and it hurts. You're going to be okay. You will come back as babies. I am a baby! I'm a baby now! Hello? Is anybody here?
That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.
You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica.
Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?
but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god!
Aw, man, geez! Seriously?
Grandpa! Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar? Wow, Hat trick. All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...
- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse,
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop. Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill. Whoa!
Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know. Do it! Do it! Remove my penis!
SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves. We killed a vampire anda gym teacher. Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick?
- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry.
Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot!
MAN: And there's the approach. Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis...
Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you? Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad.
lfyou love him, you should leave. And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,
Yeah. Gene Vagina.
W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!
I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty.
This is.
You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves. We killed a vampire anda gym teacher. Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha!
Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end.
But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."
So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening?
All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture.
Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.
Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world
I can do whatever you do and more, baby. You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop.
and let's get this dumb universe rolling.
Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve,
Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit?
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty,
Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse,
J, Let me out, set me free J, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J, J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J,
You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!
I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit?
Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot.
Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator,
I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse.
Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?
J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J, All right. Let's proceed.
I didn't ask to be born!
Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy. Rick, lce-T, could you guys take it less easy?! We've got six hours to come up with a song! Genius happens in the moment, Morty. Well, can we at least go get our family? You know, so we can take them wis-- With u-- with us if we lose? That's planning for failure, Marty, Even dumber than regular planning. Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen.
I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.
I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers -- Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--
Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery.
What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions.
You're welcome. Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,
Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you?
- Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:
What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great.
and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face?
Whoa! Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!
Title -- 'three weeks earlier."' You really don't want to talk to me about this. Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed!
f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure.
Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.
I got this.
Wait. What?
Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this.
Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh,
undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right.
Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it! What do you know? He was right! Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second!
Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family!
I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J,
Mrs. Tate, is it? What do you desire? Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect.
Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that,
Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue.
not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah!
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal.
please give me a call.
Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,
and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy,
lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad!
- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty?
Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Oh, my god! Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk? Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut? Uh, l'm...not sure. Exactly. Show me what you got!
Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why? Uh, because it's lame?
What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.
This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?
You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.
I wish this knot was looser.
Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me." Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically. No, Marty, Your grandfather is, indeed, in very deep pain.
BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god,
When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson. Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six. Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!
Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.
It's gonna be fine.
Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals.
My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.
like, sacrificed himself for me? - Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty, The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little piece of shit.
Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!
Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.
Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk,
Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry?
So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on Fundamentals of Fear. Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.
I should call Bob Saget.
Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me.
Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.
So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes!
For giants. Nobody got that? Whatever. Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses.
Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life.
and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no!
I got you pregnant.
He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do?
For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.
You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.
Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry.
20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being,
Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--
You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse.
And away we go.
You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again?
Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.
Calm yourself, Morty.
What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Summer?
Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.
like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk. The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones.
l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened, but I've never been able to participate. Happy to help... Rose. I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it...
Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10.
Unh! Class dismissed. Geez.
Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!
What's that? Who's that baby?
Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air.
Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich.
l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.
Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!
I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick?
- Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything. Yeah. But I feel like one ofthe 64 Ricks,
while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal?
J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye.
You don't know me!
Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.
I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it,
Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!
Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah!
Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera. Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12.
They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.
"Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty,
All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff.
Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run...
I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.
Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here? Okay, Jerry. Let's head home. I can't leave now. Everyone hates me. Unfortunately, there's no surgical procedure that can fix that.
I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy --
Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak,
Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?
Na,
Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Marty, Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty -- one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty,
l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable.
Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!
W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night.
This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide?
This fall, sparks Will fly... Mrs. Sullivan. Ohh. ...between one guy who can't get a break... There's something about you, Mrs. Sullivan. ...and nine cats who break all the rules. "Last Will and Testi-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House // "
Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady.
I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,
and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working.
I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV,
Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?
I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same.
Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.
I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks.
One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!
Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.
I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom?
Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.
We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet? I can do whatever you do and more, baby. You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical.
I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will. You know, you're not being very supportive of Birdperson on his big day. Birdperson's big day, Marty, was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon against the Gromflamites!
I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax.
We're sorry for our increased levels of emissions and our racism and, of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone.
Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.
Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend,
Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family.
You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding. But that's the opposite of what-- Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything? Hey, you know what? You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know?
I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing! Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time.
J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops,
What the fuck is going on?
I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people!
Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school. I hate acting. I hate cocaine. I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been.
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can, RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick?
On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable.
Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.
Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh...
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off,
Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No!
And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.
Oh, - Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four. Your marriage can rest easy now. Jerry, go ahead and sit there and put this on. This machine isolates the part ofthe subject's brain containing all perceptions of its romantic partner.
There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos.
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from?
Oh!
Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!
God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky? Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things. W-we're going on a quest, okay? RICK: Can't wait. Ahem. Excuse me! We are two humble heroes in search of adventure! Oh, my God, so embarrassing.
Not sure.
Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.
i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch,
I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!
I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed.
Are you guys Power Rangers,
Genius happens in the moment, Morty.
I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet. They changed it in 2006,
They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.
Can I show these to you? Wow.
Great. Nice work, Morty.
Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!
Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?
I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.
My lust!
Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.
Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!
Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.
Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress.
Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,
Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either.
Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!
I like your feathers.
Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie!
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi!
Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Marty, Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty -- one little hang-up.
None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.
- Out. - Whatcha doin'?
GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.
Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me!
or the battery wouldn't be broken.
Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.
Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?
It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.
J, This is not a dance J,
Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!
Is that what I think it is? Yes, every couple gets to re-create Jack's drowning at the end ofthe movie. It's so romantic. I can't wait to do that with Beth. I don't know, Jerry. With all due respect... it seems like your wife may not be that interested. Look! Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed.
Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.
That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.
I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other.
I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie!
I can't leave now. Everyone hates me. Unfortunately, there's no surgical procedure that can fix that.
You will walk when it is time to walk.
D-don't dodge the issue, Rick! Selling a gun to a hit man is the same as pulling the trigger! It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted.
Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,
Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me. You know, parents are just kids having kids.
Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!
Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!
Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!
iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on!
Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.
Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.
l "c an't"? Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean? Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty.
You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?
I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right.
Sex sells what? Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff? Hey, Dad. - God. - What's going on? Well, your mother and I are gonna be spending some time apart, Marty, And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy. - What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next?
...eight...
is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move!
Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay.
I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Marty,
What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me!
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!
RICK: Worst movie ever.
I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea, in the first place,
- Am I me? - Am I talking right now?
What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack? That's Bubonic plague!
Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs.
Well, that's retarded.
Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!
Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.
Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy.
Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?
Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space.
he comes bursting in through a window and just starts kicking the shit out of you. But it's worth the risk. They melt in your mouth, Marty, They're delicious.
I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind. I love you. [processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did.
J, Look away from the sky J, J, It's no different when you're leaving home J,
Aah!
Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah!
You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite.
So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right? Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice.
Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec.
Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.
Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?
There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!
Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego? Well, you'd have to be pretty petty. But you'd still be the woman I married. Where are we going? One last stop,
Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree,
That's slavery. It's society.
No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks!
Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons,
- Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!
Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,
That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together.
Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going... to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl. Gee, thanks, Brad.
l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy, and then y-y-you help 'em? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together.
- or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm -- I know everything about everything? Did you really talk me out of the abortion? Well, we -- we blew a tire on the way to the clinic, I think, in my head, Iwas doing it all for the kids.
What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick!
Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice?
Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.
Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!
Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.
With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice. What in the hell? Sex sells, Marty, Sex sells what? Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff?
RICK: Huh. He's making himselfa sandwich now. Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe.
The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy. You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.
You would? Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh... we can't. Absolutely not. I'm s orry '2 We've been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us,
Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?
But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!
I just got bored. Everybody out. JERRY: All right, just one more rally, then I promise we'll get back to your science project. Dad, Pluto isn't a planet.
Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th, Deal. All right.
This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty --
Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son. Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.
What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.
I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.
- We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is. Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50?
They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay?
You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right!
ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity?
Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet?
I'll take you to dinner. Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine.
Motherfucker!
I care now. You made me care more.
Marty, crack the window.
Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.
but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!
Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck! GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise --
Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J,
Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. What? Why not? Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice?
Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.
the next minute, bam! Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under -- Uh, what? It was your job, Marty, - Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer. I got to back the "M" bomb on this one. I remember the conversation. We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer!
Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.
Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible. And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't.
You're missing my symphony.
J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,
so you can make an army of your badass self? There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.
Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine.
- He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No.
Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,
I hope you had a blast. The galactic government considers us terrorists. lt's unwise of me to share these details, but I've become inebriated.
He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke! Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!
Annnd during that time,
Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty,
Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used.
Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah! Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind,
Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical.
That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...
Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.
I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.
MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say -- you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time.
Hello, everyone!
Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello?
Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F... Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today.
Yes.
No! Not twigs!
Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry.
J, Cosmos without hatred J,
Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!!
Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?
Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us?
Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?!
This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you!
Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue?
My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean?
Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.
Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool.
Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.
Can't afford to chance it.
Wait, w-where is that music coming from?
Where am I?! You're at a wedding. Go change. J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J, J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J, J, Fat beats and an alien smile J, J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J, J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J, J, And I'm gonna keep jazzing J,
Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay?
You're a surgeon -- a human surgeon. Yay, you win.
You pay with the curses, right?
Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch!
J, Don't leave me J, J, Never leave me out J, J, Don't leave me J, J, Never leave me out J,
Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go!
Run, Marty! Oh, my God!
Stupid! Rick!
Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah!
Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never!
They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!
You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes.
Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence!
Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white,
SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad! MORTY: Drive carefully! Have fun, you two.
Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know?
but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters.
Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.
Oh, my God, so embarrassing. At last! Two heroes!
Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!
Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair.
people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers -- Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on!
just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.
Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred.
RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great.
Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck!
You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.
Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on?
That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J,
Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
Yeah. Think before you talk shit.
I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world.
Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?
Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt.
Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J,
Trade secret, Mr. President. Particle beam in a wristwatch, snake holster on the leg. I love this man!
Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh, Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!
TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five.
Thanks, Rick, but I don't know if I should. You know, you were right about the Universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place. Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know. This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Marty style. Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally.
Get down. Hurry. Run. And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it. With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice. What in the hell?
Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake.
All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes!
Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs.
Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!
Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser. Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body!
Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet,
not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff,
Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas.
J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men!
Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!
Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying! Hey, look, we get it.
I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?
I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work.
He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr.
Uh, morning, Frank.
Because I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't! What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.
Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god!
All right. There's six of us, and that's it,
Time to go home. Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me! l-l never intended to harm you, I swear. I am trying to end the festival. W-W-What do you mean?
Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye.
I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay. Hey, we agreed.
Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?
Aah! Get off!
Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes.
Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick.
At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do?
I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.
Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank?
Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,
Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl. Oh, Jacob. I-I'm sorry, Jacob.
Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box.
Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up!
And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?
It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real?
If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu...
Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little --
Have a little perspective. Hey, Rick, squanchy party, bro! Aw! Squanchy! Is there a good place for me to squanch around here? Squahchy, you can squanch wherever you want, man, Mi casa es su casa, dawg! All right! I like your squanch!
Summer? What kind of God lets this happen?
You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,
Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves,
All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty,
What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:
Not my fault this is happening.
It's-a good-a show!
Can I show you something? Morty, no offense... but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident. That out there? That's my grave. Wait, what? On one of our adventures.., Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed.
I am here if you need to talk.
J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,
"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay?
The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)
ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god!
and you knowwhat they say about that.
I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here.
You are free to be free! And squeegee comes up from the garage, right? But he's got a lobster in one hand, the movie tickets in the other, he's like, "I'm ready!" You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn. We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons. I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on.
You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God?
Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head. If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina, I might -- I'll take it, B-But I haven't even -- Thank you very, very much. Great store. Great place. Bye.
Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion.
Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty,
So what?! You could do things inside! You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think...
The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.
Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."
Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit!
Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know?
you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep.
I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.
Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!
Ohhhhh!
And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.
No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f
Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.
Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What?
Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?
so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never!
Remember when we used to go to the playground, and I'd push you on the swings? Oh, you could push me higher than all the other kids. You were so small and cute. I thought you were gonna fly right off into the street. I used to pee my pants. I know, and now look at you! You have a job. You're making really good money. You're not paying any rent, so you have plenty of disposable income.
Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top.
I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him?
Rick, keep a level head, okay?
I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.
Oh, man, Rick!
Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you.
I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. That's what I think of your crystals, Rick! Oh, Morty, you idiot!
I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it.
Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he?
I am not staring at you. I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. This is a candid shot.
Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.
Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha!
I wish this knot was looser. Come on.
You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something?
Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?
Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me."
RICK: Unity! Unity! Unity!
- It would go without saying, huh? - Yeah, it would. Did you hear me say it? Nah. The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older.
giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size,
Mortimer Smith, Jr., New York Times bestselling author, your book is about innocence, the definition of it, and, inevitably, its impossibility. Is it autobiographical? Certainly. I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. But my, uh --
Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle,
But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four." Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry.
Diabolic son of a motherf--
www.rickandmortyadventures.
Right now.
Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie.
Oh, my god,
There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00.
...seven...
I promise I'll call you every day I need money or a place to do laundry.
or...
BLANE: Need, or want? JACEY: I've never been much forwanting. BLANE: Spoken like someone with needs. Oh, geez. Hmm? Uh, sorry. K-Keep going. "Jacey reaches out and touches his face. It's clear he needs what she wants. She's a woman. He's a man. The city burns in the background as he takes her in his arms. Fade out.
The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.
Cheers to that, motherfucker!
Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that.
He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories.
It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '
MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty,
my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?
Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!
I hope I can call on you and Rick again if I need you, Marty, Sure thing. And I -- I was kind of hoping that I could get a selfie with you? Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse, Understood. D-i-i-i-i-ie! Oh, no, no, no! Why didn't heturn into a snake?
And now I'm -- I help people. I save people. I'm a troublesome octopus person. Uh-Oh. I gotta save some trouble 'cause here comes a trouble mite. SUMMER: Gross! Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?
I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.
Fuck you!
We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!
iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on! Aah! Get off!
My gear-turnings as ofyet in the curious case of these unidentified humanoid fugitives, reportedly at large somewhere within the gear system. Son of a,,,
I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
undefined ....versus a car. On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires.
Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!
Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh, Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!
Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8...
You can put your fingers wherever you want.
Ugh!
What's that dipshit doing out there?
Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy.
Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!
Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.
Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead.
This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker.
And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.
Hold on.
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.
I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only!
Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh?
We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency.
After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Good bye. Yeah! We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now!
And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life. GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret.
l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty,
Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.
Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them.
called a Mega tree,
I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?
Yeah, get outside. Read a book. Put on some sunscreen, Danielle!
Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors!
As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing.
We still have the nuclear option.
and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest.
W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!
Ow!
Quite an operation you got going here, Une.
TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good. It's time for the quiz.
J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.
Get down. Hurry. Run. And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it. With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice.
RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!!
Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do!
Yes, Marty,
I want yooooooou!
It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,
We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Marty, They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay!
Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better.
Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive!
Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots?
All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick!
and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you,
l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?
Knock it off, Slow Mobius!
"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story, to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it.
Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot,
Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind.
Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward,
Tammy! Caw!
Okay. And now we ’re back to "How Did / Get Here?" the only show that makes you askyourself, "How did / get here?" f chuckles f Here's our first person. Oh. Oh, my god, How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please!
And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there.
lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur.
I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!
Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!
Asshole!
But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,
No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch?
I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?!
Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.
Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty?
I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God!
Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.
Such an asshole.
Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back.
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker!
Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!
Oh, great adventure, buddy.
once -- for once?
It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.
M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.
You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this.
lfyou love him, you should leave. And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,
Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester.
[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns!
Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,
Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry!
I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English?
I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn?
Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!
Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.
Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up.
I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...
J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!
Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!
J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J, J, And everything is one in the beauty J, J, And now we say goodbye J,
Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!
lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.
Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?
Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right!
Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!
FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away.
Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.
I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right?
Quite an operation you got going here, Une. You're a whole planet now, huh? After we broke up, I spent some time wandering through space. Then I found this world... ...where l was better able to focus on my passion for unification. You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up,
What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't --
Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.
From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.
Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when yourworld is one. Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker.
Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.
Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,
There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.
We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
this animal can't be transferred until the current attending physician verbally confirms their inability to provide adequate care. You heard the man, horse doctor. You have to say you couldn't hack it, We did it! Uh-huh. No, mother -- no. Earth, dude.
Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!
All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch, so i never know what's going on. Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know, Are we sure we wanna look at our own alternate lives? You're right. Maybe we should just play Yahtzee. Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness.
She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty.
Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you? Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh,
Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison?
Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times.
Beth, listen to me. You're going to get outta here. You're gonna go on, and -- Jerry, just leave the door.
What a waste of a monkey paw.
"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs,
Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!
J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.
You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty,
And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but...
l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down!
Rick and Summer of Earth, for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.
You should find that Lucy woman. But -- but -- You see, Jerry? May I show you something? Had everything gone as planned, this entire area would be underwater, I would have liked to see it, This trip has been a "Titanic" failure. Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy,
Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis.
you're gonna need to harness your repressed rage. I don't have any! Spoken like a person with repressed rage.
Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer? Droppin' loads. ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.
I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la."
It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly.
He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?
Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing.
I can't take it anymore.
iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--
My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here?
Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.
I'm taking the wheel.
Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--
or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter?
Hold on.
Shh! I hear something.
Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.
It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman. J, Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo J,
"Cape Fear"! "Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."
Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him.
Hello, Summer. Hello, Marty, It's okay. You're safe now. Unity? - Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing. Oh, Summer, you did nothing wrong.
Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed.
This? This is a losing battle. Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married! I mean, what do you think's gonna happen if you open yourself up a little bit? I mean, look around. This is your family and friends all around you, you know? Take the day off.
They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something?
She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence.
Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.
I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison? Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is -- I'll take you to dinner. Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine.
You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine.
Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something.
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town.
How dumb are you?
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.
That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la."
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this?
We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,
It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure. Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story, to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it. Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black. Title -- 'three weeks earlier."'
Destroy it.
That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty!
The most important love you can receive is from yourself.
They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry. Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect. I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop?
I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet. They changed it in 2006, Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree?
It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!
Scary stuff, huh? Pretty freaky. Hi. I'm Morty's math teacher. I'm also part ofthe street team inviting folks to the church downtown so we can pray together. How is praying going to help? Ma'am, a giant head in the sky is controlling the weather. Did you want to play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house!
Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?
Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa! J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah '
I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.
Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god,
Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry.
That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe.
MAN: Well, " omcial. The obscure planet known as Earth, formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist and fugitive Rick Sanchez, has fast become the 6, 048th planet to ]oin the Galactic Federation. The plucky little ball of water and d/rt, which is where it gets its name,
Whatever. Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash.
I'm not.
Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.
Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.
Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.
J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.
Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian.
Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell?
On tonight's episode,
Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling.
Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.
Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!
BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,
I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.
Which I also wouldn't do!
Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America!
Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty.
Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more.
That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it! HEADS: Hooray! Yeah.
lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!
You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10,9... All right, not bad.
Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage!
Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell?
They're part of...it. Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it, ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity?
Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me.
Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.
It's how things should be.
But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.
Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty.
Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty?
Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.
There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song,
How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick.
Are you joking me?
MORTY:
Exactly. Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry!
You don't know me!
undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.
the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America!
Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,
Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,
They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.
And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front.
If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed
Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah! MAN: Did you get any ofthat?
I just got expelled, Summer! Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young. My top! Screw your top! You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school!
All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here.
See you, Uh, Rick, I think we should allgo. Tend to your garden, kids. I'm kind of doing a thing here. Whoo! Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you, Oh, my god, you guys. I get it. You're afraid the big, bad hive mind is gonna steal your grandpa away. Actually, no. I think Unity's great and you're a horrible influence on it.
Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after,
It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep.
Hi, guys. I'm your new teacher for Scary class. My name is Scary Mr. Johnson. Uh, actually, you know what? That's my dad's name, so why don't you just call me Scary Glenn, yeah? So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on Fundamentals of Fear. Which is -- what is that?
It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles.
I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn.
'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this.
All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote. MAN: Well, " omcial. The obscure planet known as Earth, formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist and fugitive Rick Sanchez, has fast become the 6, 048th planet to ]oin the Galactic Federation.
or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why? Sundown is when the festival begins. The festival? Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, Living in perfect peace.
Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?
This isn't "Game of Thrones."
That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected.
What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?
I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Like, letting go ofthe need to be popular is what makes people like you. The most important love you can receive is from yourself. Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you.
You stay put, Jerry. I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch? Jerry, I believe that, if you hide by yourself, you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together?
Whoa! Look at you!
Aaaaaaah! So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle?
who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God!
I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over.
Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.
Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.
J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J, All right. Let's proceed. Damn.
Suck my dick! P It feels good '
J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,
All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what?
lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it?
you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?
- Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself.
Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited. The Pluto-bel prize is the highest honor a scientist can receive. I'm flattered and humbled.
Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened,
Who is he?
Aaaah!
Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that?
The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through!
I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys.
Pluto is... ...not a planet.
You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing.
Can I show these to you?
All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.
And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never!
Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know? I mean, who knows what -- what if somebody breaks something?
Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god!
9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit!
RICK: Jerry, you don't get it,
It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry! Hey, uh, come here. l-l want to show you something. Okay, look, everybody makes fun of me for getting these,
Mein journey is over, Marty, I have something important to tell you. J, And the gears, they turned for a thousand years J, J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them!
J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J, Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!
Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not.
God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.
Not on my watch. Paid for by Michael Denny and The Denny Singers. Hi l’m a trunkperson, and i want -- i feel love in my heart, too, fast like you. i wanna be able to express that love with both a man and a woman. And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way.
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty --
Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her lover intact? Well, I don't thinkthat's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones. Beth, can we talk about this privately?
Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention, there are extensive medical records open on my desktop, and I trust you to confine your activities.., to the purely pornographic. Absolutely! Good luck.
Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth.
giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?
Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?
Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.
Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch?
Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl.
my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs,
I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do.
It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!
- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.
S-Samantha. Please, mister!
You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel. I actually got that on another planet. So it is an alien towel to me. - Good luck. - Thanks.
Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!
Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...
Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa!
ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.
Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.
Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud.
SU M M ER: Wow. We are so screwed. Rick, wake up, Huh? What? Wait? What? Stop. Rick, you got to do something quick. My parents are home. Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good.
on fake do-o-o-o-rsi Hey, wait a minute, Rick. I thought this was a commercial. What's going on? Relax, Marty, Don't -- don't worry about it, Let's just see where this goes.
Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!
then we can't get schwifty.
Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on!
"Cape Fear"!
South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!
Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!
You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.
- My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.
Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never!
Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh...
Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared 40 years of each other, mind, body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door, it's an invitation to let go of the body and an opportunity to share and experiment.
Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but if Marty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, you know, kind of your problem, too. Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. What? Why not? Yo, this is why.
Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?
But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.
lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity.
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now. Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty?
Whoa! Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time. Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long? I don't know. How long do you guys want? A week? A month?
He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis!
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty.
I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own? I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off, how would they find their butt person again? I don't know, Summer. I can't even hear the TV, All right, that's it, We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day.
They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage.
Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus. Shh, shh!
Oh shit.
I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!
Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!
Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free. You're saying I should leave Jerry.
Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies.
Oh, no!
Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!
MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,
J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,
I've never been any good at disappointing Rick.
That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples.
Titanic- themed getaway.
Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older. What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds.
What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!
You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then --
because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am. Marty, Time to purge.
Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here.
So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuffthem down and -- Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting. Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go.
Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!
The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!
Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school.
I'm calling my lawyer.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.
What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem?
Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice. So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now. Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty?
Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!
Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!
Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now. This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness, so we are forced to improvise.
You, not me! You! - Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah!
Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis.
As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee!
All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room where none ofthe people whose stuff I stole can get to us, Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples.
They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer?
That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah!
I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa. I love you, too, Terry. Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.
Oh shit!
Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend.
You're right. Kill Pencilvester. Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
I'm gonna miss you, Snowball. You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.
Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop -- Marty! Have you met Gearhead?
Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.
lfyou desire to kill me, I only ask you do it quickly. No such agenda, chief. We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir. We were just hoping to get on the roof of your lighthouse so we can send a beacon to my sister on Earth. - It's a different planet. - By the way, life on other planets exists. Don't let it distract you. I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale.
It's getting weird.
Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?
including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain.
Well, this won't do. - Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,
I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes.
Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.
You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn. Finally. I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline. I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born. That came out wrong, That came out very wrong,
Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh...
You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha!
One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here?
l'm Octopus Man! l'm Octopus Man!
Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds."
RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp,
Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick.
Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?
Nojumpin' in the sewer.
He'll be fine. Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!
Okay, if we add a little more titanium nitrate and just a tad of chlorified tartrate... ...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!
Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--
I wish!
Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one?
- Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome.
Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one. Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad, and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing.
My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!
Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.
Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage.
That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.
l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah.
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody.
Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.
When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule! Nobody? Okay, tough church. Hi. Principal Vagina --
At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow!
That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty!
Nooooo! f monitor beeping f
Marty, Birdperson? You appear to be dying. I will make efforts to prevent this but can promise nothing.
I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue?
W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah!
- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too?
No, no, no. Blow me. Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll, Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien.
I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it...
God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure.
Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store?
Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues?
No! Nobody's doing that!
I'm traveling with my son and father-in-law.
Looks like we've got... haunted boxing gloves that wril make you the heavyweight champion in 1936, and then you'll be trapped there, winning the same fight for eternity. I can take out the "eternity" and the padding, and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens.
Was this really the time to make that point, Summer?
which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.
Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,
but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast. Well, I thought I'd walk to the South Pole and do a little bit of exploring. Ifyou guys need me, just yell or throw something so hard that it goes around the world and hits me. Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world, Please, he's in the South Pole!
l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick.
Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick! Yeah, yeah.
I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job.
Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon? Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now.
All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream?
We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay. You two call yourselves geniuses, but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you.
And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't. All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities,
Hey, Marty, could you lick my-,
Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.
Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,.,
Ohhhhh!
Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah.
Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.
Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life.
You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.
Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?
get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty,
l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy?
Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs.
Is there a company hiring teenagers that isn't evil? This is my first job. You've been nice to me, Mr. Needful. You respect me. Please, call me "The Devil." I'd rather not, actually. Yes, perhaps not during business hours. I told you, I want to file a declaration that Pluto is a planet.
What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!
Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!
f chuckles f Here's our first person. Oh. Oh, my god, How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right!
Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah!
That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate.
This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent! A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?!
And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer.
A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream?
He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!
RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator.
Aah! Unh!
Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?
Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker,
Come on, Morty.
- He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it! BOTH: Shut up! Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week.
A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it.
J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.
Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right.
Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.
These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Marty, They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay! What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got. JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!
How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it!
and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us, And that's it,
- Nothing. - Nothing! Oh, uh, one ofthe lunch ladies died. They found her in the gym with, like, two holes in her neck and all the blood drained out of her. Good lord! Who does something like that? Obviously a vampire. W-W-Where's the pepper? Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now,
Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying.
They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.
Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't.
Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.
But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.
This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea.
BLANE: Need, or want? JACEY: I've never been much forwanting. BLANE: Spoken like someone with needs. Oh, geez. Hmm? Uh, sorry. K-Keep going. "Jacey reaches out and touches his face. It's clear he needs what she wants. She's a woman. He's a man. The city burns in the background as he takes her in his arms.
Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty,
and then you'll be trapped there, winning the same fight for eternity. I can take out the "eternity" and the padding, and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens. Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby. How's business? Here's the last of our inventory. We're going to file chapter ll and do some restructuring.
Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Yeah, uh... give me a sec. These are the forms for the employee health plan. All right, yeah, put -- put them on my-, eh. I just got bored. Everybody out. JERRY: All right, just one more rally, then I promise we'll get back to your science project. Dad, Pluto isn't a planet.
Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally. Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad. Let's find a control room or something.
You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free. You're saying I should leave Jerry. I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation.
Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry.
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles!
I can craft stuff, too, pal!
Whoa!
Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space. Eight, personal space. Nine, personal space. You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this --
It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.
Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!
His subconscious is panicking.
What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.
Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.
What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go!
Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby. There was a seven-horse collision, and Davin's there alone. Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin.
You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--
One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son. I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see. Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way.
Beta Seven, if my allies are a problem for you, perhaps our alliance is, as well. Our alliance is beneficial. When Beta Seven expresses concern, it -- it's only be-because -- RICK: Oh, snap! Powdered neutronium? Amphetetron? You know I can make with this stuff? Oh, Rick, I -- I shouldn't. Come on. It's not every day that I'm town.
And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,
This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics.
Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty?
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,
RICK:
Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!
Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.
J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J,
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --
Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS!
Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty!
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez!
That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers --
Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.
JERRY: Try not to worry about it, Marty, You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. You're missing the point, Dad.
It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids?
Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.
Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.
In reality, you're as dumb as they come.
- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir? - Holy hell. - Sir!
Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?
No! No! Ow!
It's on the house. Oh, and, uh,
Birdperson's big day, Marty, was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon against the Gromflamites! This? This is a losing battle. Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married!
What in the hell?
A price for everything. Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects.
The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?
but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there, but I know us, and you're real, Jerry. Remember our vacation?
Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Aah! What?
No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be.
Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?
Cool. The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.
Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.
All this time, you've been thinking, "what ifthat loser, Jerry, hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" - Um... - Well, now you know. You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de-do. You'd also be drinking wine alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart. You thought about getting an abortion?
God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth.
You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car.
Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals. Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job! Seize them! Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer?
So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff. Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well?
I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch!
Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down.
Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.
l’m Ants in My E yes johnson, E verything's black. i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch,
That's right. What?! It's like "The Purge," Marty, That movie "The Purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night. l-lt's a purge planet.
Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!
lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys. I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed.
And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am.
and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!
but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back!
Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting. RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card.
do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey.
Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!
Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers.
Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.
That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.
I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.
What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home?
the movie tickets in the other, he's like, "I'm ready!"
And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today.
Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.
Too fast.
J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.
Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise.
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy.
J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J,
Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this...
Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! - Out. - Whatcha doin'?
What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her!
Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!
J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.
[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected!
I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!
No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe.
J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J,
Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together. Get back!
Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive?
And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole!
That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l,
Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine!
What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?
Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something.
J, You could have it all J, Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.
Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13. - Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!
What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it.
Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick. You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?
Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?
- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you?
A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back.
Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.!
Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time. Yes. I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, Iike...an Appley or something. Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns?
- Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No!
It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com.
Your exile ends today. Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son.
They blew up,
Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery. You're just a symptom of it,
Rick Sanchez! You psycho bag of squanch! Hey, what's up, Squanchy? Hey, Squanchy. Marty, Summer! And you must be Beth. Mwah! Ensquanche!
Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people.
Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.
What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported.
i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?
Boy, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Marty, A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty!
This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,
Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!
Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world, Please, he's in the South Pole!
Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go!
Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.
Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.
What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place.
Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time? Tiny Rick, this conversation is gonna break my heart wide open. You're a great student and the fact that you're an 80-Year-Old man in a clone body, it never bothered me. But this here is another matter. You recognize this? We got a tip it was in your locker.
RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks!
It's show- ... time.
Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.
Marty, Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J,
Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch!
Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.
MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um -- you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know? Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?
pathetic, white, white,
They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you!
Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass!
Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick.
Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop.
So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else.
Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself.
J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!
Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!
A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...
Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.
But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. That's what I think of your crystals, Rick! Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me.
Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!
Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure,
because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only,
Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science,
Bird dick.
You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.
Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.
But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet.
l'm Octopus Man!
Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.
and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die?
Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.
So good luck with your shitty marriage,
a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream.
What the fuck, you can turn into ice? My story begins at the dawn oftime in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter ofthe alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything.
Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis!
Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.
They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! - Out. - Whatcha doin'? Well, I can't solve the problem my way, thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups.
Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!
J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.
Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick!
Something's gonna come through. I can feel it. I'm going inside. I guess this is what rock bottom feels like, Jerry. Ow! It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people.
Let's find a control room or something. JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it. lfyou can find one, too, we should be safe for hours, maybe days!
You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What? Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff
This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?
I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!
Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer.
Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!
W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels?
They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em. Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone.
Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.
Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science.
And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.
I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.
So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle?
Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what?
How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?
Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer? This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy.
I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.
Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets,
It's just Rick and Marty --
Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items?
Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers.
T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know?
May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm.
SUMMER:
Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood!
We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time?
Shut the fuck up about moon men!
Oh shit.
Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!
J, What have I become J, J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J,
Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert!
You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch.
You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,
Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh...
You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!
AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown! I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy?
- Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that?
25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.
RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime. Get it? You know, 'cause it's frozen.
Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank.
But these gears just started turnin'.
Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened,
Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know,
Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes...
Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?
You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty, Gone with the wind! Am I right?! lfyou don't like that one, Marty, an alt on that could be, like, if I said "Gasablanca"!
Headward, free now to rise. Oh, yes! Yes! Rise to the giant Head! You are free to be free! And squeegee comes up from the garage, right? But he's got a lobster in one hand, the movie tickets in the other, he's like, "I'm ready!" You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn. We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons.
Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!
"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!
Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom?
Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything.
It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself,
What's he mean? When we klii him.
on this robot's home world, which is... Gazcorpazcorp in the Andromeda system. Scoot, Summer. Don't you need a new companion now that Morty's in the family way? I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
"go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero?
W-we get our family and portal out of here! Marty, good music comes from people who are relaxed. Just hit a button, Marty! Give me a beat! Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,
There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.
Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!
Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!
Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!
Fine. Sheesh.
Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it.
Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.
Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!
i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news.
Yo, this is why.
In the name ofthe squanch, the six rivers, the four squanches, and the nine balls, l unite these two organisms in eternal squanch! Tammy, you may squanch your vows now. Birdperson... You are my seed, my worm, my earliness, and my lack of cats.
Oh shit. Oh shit.
Ooh. Ohh.
J, Don't leave me J,
We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith.
Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--
J, I will make you hurt J, Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.
lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]
Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.
Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,
it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "
I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick!
You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.
Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah!
Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.
You have arrived at Krombopuios Michael, Your destination is below. We're all out of off-white Persian. Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?!
JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need.
Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am -- Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause.
Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything.
Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.
Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty?
Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to --
Holy --
You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.
I don't know, do something with turquoise.
Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty,
55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people! Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo!
Summer for for the win. All right, that should do it, Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself. Whoa! Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time. Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long? I don't know. How long do you guys want? A week? A month?
Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death!
Where are my testicles, Summer?
RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?!
Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves?
It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.
SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.
Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing. Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean.
clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today!
Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip?
Uh, where? The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.
i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty, in a world where muscular Mannies are coming,
We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,
If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling.
Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,
and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit.
Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.
What the fuck did you do, Summer?!
Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.
Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these?
Or maybe there's only one deceiver here -- The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other. Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick,
All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,
Get them! Run, Marty! Oh, my God!
Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus.
You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out.
I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited.
Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty?
That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little. Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks. You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick.
You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra,
I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.
How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen.
Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh.
Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?!
I'm just saying, it's bad craftsmanship. BETH: Coffee time! RICKS: Yo, yo, yo, yo! That's what I like to hear! Hi, Jerry. Leave me alone. I'm working. Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow!
- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?
It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,
All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small.
J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here.
To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed
I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad.
He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty,
Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J,
BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?
Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires.
J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho!
l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario -- we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run...
Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow!
Did you get any ofthat?
Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator.
I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky?
Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole.
your genitals can be molded into a functioning heart for the most important man in the universe. Yeah, but -- I mean -- Oh, forget it! I told you this was a waste oftime! Have respect, Yarp. The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped.
I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people.
Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same. All right, okay, fair is fair. lfyou do extra work, you get extra food. Oh, Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job!
We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool.
and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings, I'm a member of this planet's top race! Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world!
but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board.
I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13. - Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!
Class dismissed.
Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist.
Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand.
See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to!
Sanchez? Are you a musician? l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51. People! Everyone! Remain calm! Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith. When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down!
Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide!
You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385.
This disaster was an inside job.
Jessica.
He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on.
I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad.
Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!
ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.
and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them.
Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible!
J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him,
Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.
Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.
I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.
Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs.
What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government, Thanks to the skilled diplomacy ofthis mysterious space car, from this day forward, human and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them,
There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business.
God, I feel terrible. Yep, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the Universe can be.
Ohhhhh! Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!
Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season.
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles?
Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time.
Show me what you got! Uh...
There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!
See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg.
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation.
A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.
I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery. What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack?
Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what?
You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.
Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.
Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh!
Since when do you have a job? Since last week. lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character.
Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!
Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.
Cool. I'm coming, too. Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy?
Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second! Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa!
Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life.
Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry.
I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water.
Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!
Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty, in a world where muscular Mannies are coming,
Oh, hey h-hey-y! Morty, Jessica, what's up?
I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind.
You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!
Because the two of you are the fucking worst!
You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up! Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill!
J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.
Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!
I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon.
Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty,
Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down.
And if you think my top is cute,
It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh!
What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting!
Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!
Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here.
but I know us, and you're real, Jerry. Remember our vacation? They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not?
Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.
What's your name? My name is... Alexand--
They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses.
RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time?
It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa.
it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.
- Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four. Your marriage can rest easy now.
J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, It's still raining up here J,
Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister! Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!
[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,
lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run!
You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery.
Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes,
Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow!
Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!
Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that?
Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.
What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay?
I'd like that. What are we doing?
Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them!
And now, another quick mystery.
They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that.
Did you get any ofthat?
Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened,
Help me, please! You can help me!
Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!
The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.
I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!
You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick.
W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.
Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckers at the dance! Tiny Rick!
Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop -- Marty! Have you met Gearhead? - Hey, how's -- - Marty here, he -- he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,
I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick?
Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.
Hello. Guess who just sold the apples campaign. Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes.
f monitor beeping f
All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! The name's not buddy.
This fall, sparks Will fly...
How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife. So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes.
I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What?
Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?
Scalpel. Scalpel. Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one ofthree meals that have existed for millennia.
Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.
Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.
Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later.
This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she's a marine biologist. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers."
Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy. Our pleasure.
Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real. Marty! Summer! It's me!
Uh, yeah, just masturbating!
Oh, Summer. First race war, huh? Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying.
This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell?
100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times.
I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics.
Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is. Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break Mom's heart. And I won't forgive you for that.
Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah.
I don't want to talk about it!
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card. She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off.
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,
Do it! Do it! Remove my penis! Sir, put the gun down and step away from Mr. Pibbles! - Jerry! - Dad, what are you doing?!
We did it! What do you know? He was right! Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second! Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa!
Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"!
Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful.
Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out --
Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty, That's how we're gonna scam these idiots, So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick,
Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are.
I don't know what to say. Summer is doing really well here. She's aced every test in potato class, and look how important potatoes have become. She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew. Please help me. You can reach me if you try. Please help me! That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving. Taco time!
My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy."
Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now. HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did,
Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!
Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.
Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.
Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina.
And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.
Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole.
It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!
You know why? Uh, because it's lame?
I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower.
J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you.
in a world where muscular Mannies are coming,
That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby.
Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say.
Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor.
Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!
Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day.
Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry.
Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.
Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am?
Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?
Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.
How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about?
Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this?
Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!
Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.
Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!
Well, we want to make it work, if we can, It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know, gonna get a divorce? I think it's okay to dream, Marty, I'm gonna go make some wooden stakes.
Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!
J, Quasars shine through endless night J,
l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts!
He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man.
It's beautiful. You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you. What's that, Marty? I think you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah!
Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No! No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Yeah. Totally. Let's go.
lt's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.
Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots, Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up,
and your solution is to shoot the audience?
Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.
Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps!
Well, ifthe old adage is true,
No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy?
Ohhhhh! Aah!
There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically.
That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.
Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor
Oh, my god!
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!
You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this,
I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four, the galaxy's most successful couples' counseling institute. They could save the marriage of a dog and a bar of dark chocolate.
They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards. COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137, the council apologizes for its false accusation, and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake,
RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!
RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,
but I've become inebriated.
You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging.
Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me!
It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right. Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast!
Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff
Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter.
Kill him!
l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.
I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, Look at that thing right there. W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today? None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice.
Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?
We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason?
Summer, I've always loved you!
Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically.
What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?
Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of of elk, moose, deer, and stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends. I guess that's the end ofthat. There is just one more thing.
Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top.
But I want to murder everyone I see.
Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes.
Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself,
Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!
up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, ..
Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.
'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.
Good afternoon. I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? I prefer my own penis, and so should you! The brave Earth man whose sacrifice is going to allow Shrimply Pibbles to live --
Hold on, sir. Just a minute. lce-T survived. He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours.
Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty!
- Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders,
Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.
Hi. I'm Morty's math teacher. I'm also part ofthe street team inviting folks to the church downtown so we can pray together. How is praying going to help? Ma'am, a giant head in the sky is controlling the weather. Did you want to play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house!
Well, son, what did youthink when you were five and you pooped your pants, and you threw your poopy undies out your bedroom window because you thought it was like throwing something in the garbage?
You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!
So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.
Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, man. I cannot wait -- I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone. Jerry, stop, please, okay?
Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood!
Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay.
So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s.
L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica.
We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir.
I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.
Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing!
Compliments of the Galactic Federation. I feel better.
What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!
Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.
These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.
RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day.
This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.
We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.
J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?
Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.
Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV, J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh!
I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going. Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.
No! No! Ow!
I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go!
When he was, let's see, like, 18, she was literally in there in yourwomb. Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart,
But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.
Well, son, what did youthink when you were five and you pooped your pants,
- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,
Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!
Nooooo! f monitor beeping f
why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well?
Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect.
Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--
Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,
What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own,
Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!
J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!
When a vampire is pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves Alan Jefferson or something like that. It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat?
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,
What do you want to do, boss? Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick.
or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?
God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever,
J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,
Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire,
The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it.
So cute!
Grandpa, go home and drink. Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age. Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science.
It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.
Called it, ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.
A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it.
Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half --
What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's --
Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!
Can you blame him?
I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw.
Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!
That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.
Eat this!
Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg.
Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.
"Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty, Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty, That way you can, you know -- y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty?
I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you.
Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.
Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to. Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!
Samantha, I need to know that you understand that l have a couple of eyeholes. I do. I do understand about your eyeholes. Here, look at my eyeholes. Oh, my god, You have eight eye ho-- holes.
Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?
Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?
Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry.
Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?
but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed. Forget about the park, doctor!
You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.
l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know.
O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty,
Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver.
RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.
Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!
but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.
AIDS!
Ooh. Ohh. Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly.
You don't know me.
Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird. I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going.
MORTY: What the hell?
who takes care of my kids?
There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.
Wait!
Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!
One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...
You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude!
We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man.
- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!
This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty, Anything with less than eight limbs is considered disabled here.
The young eat the old if you let them, Jerry. Pluto is a cold, cold celestial dwarf. It's a what? Huh? Oh, planet. "Pluto is a cold, cold planet." That's what I meant. Knock them dead out there, you.
l squanch my family.
Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!!
Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison? Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is -- I'll take you to dinner. Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine.
Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F... Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well.
Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle.
Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland. Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent.
Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here. No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame.
Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah!
I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um -- you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know?
Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough.
but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering. Smith Jr/s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father," in every store and on everyone's mind. Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough.
l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?!
Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!
Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?!
Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick!
I am a baby! I'm a baby now! Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!
J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J,
NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt".,
They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s?
Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn,
Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith.
Oh, boy, Here I go killing again. Aah! Aah! undefined Arh! Aah!
JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it. lfyou can find one, too, we should be safe for hours, maybe days! You stay put, Jerry. I'll send help, if I make it.
What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch!
Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.
The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them!
Oh shit. Oh shit.
or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back -- back w-w-w-when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps. Oh, boy, Morty. Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure.
Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time --
J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,
Hi, Frank.
Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles.
The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's --
ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep.
Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon."
Run, Marty! Run! Aah!
I'm not? Good. Okay. Great.
It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you. So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge? l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool.
You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to --
You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government.
Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.
I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?
JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,
You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole?
There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree,
TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two.
This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What? For real?
Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god!
Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.
Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!!
Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details.
Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die.
And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6:00 pm, so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children.
No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat. No! No! Ow!
Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th, Deal. All right. W-well, come on, let's get going. Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. Washing dishes? No. The opposite. Can you fix it? Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework? Yeah -- j-just don't do it. Grandpa!
Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone?
You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!
Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship.
This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times.
Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend.
Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?
You respect me. Please, call me "The Devil." I'd rather not, actually. Yes, perhaps not during business hours.
I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.
All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families.
Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh?
Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot.
She's aced every test in potato class, and look how important potatoes have become. She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew. Please help me. You can reach me if you try. Please help me! That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving. Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires.
Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.
f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine. Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.
I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing. I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest-- - Get out. - Um, what?
This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going?
Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!
Hey, that's mine!
Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J,
Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.
no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!
Best weekend ever, Rick. I agree, Rick. Let's see how long we can go. Hey, Une. You got any more -- FEMALE UNITY: Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes.
Revenge. What?!
I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place,
Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak,
There's crucial things happening here every day.
I'm gonna find some fuel and take a big, fat Marty, That's my new word for shit because of today's events. Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart.
The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.
No! Not twigs!
Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should,
So, let's say 60 smidgens.
for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.
These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.
even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker.
South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!
No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina.
J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship.
I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him! No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.
Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.
Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,
Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's --
Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.
...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty!
Let's do this thing. All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty,
Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really.
ln here.
Wow, What do you know? Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg. Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty,
Hey, uh, come here. l-l want to show you something. Okay, look, everybody makes fun of me for getting these, but you're a genius scientist. What do youthink? See? There's little R2-D2s where the George Washingtons should be. You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value.
Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty,
But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails.
- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man!
Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,
At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way -- Already lost interest. Get in the car. I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared,
- Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.
Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park.
No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.
To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years. Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J,
Oh, no!
We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine! Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles.
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down,
MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?
and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing. All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean?
but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?
J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, ...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass.
And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?
Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.
Where are my testicles, Summer?
SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends.
This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics.
Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,
T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing?
But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever.
Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame. My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.
ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see.
They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine.
I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
Jerry, what are you -- what are you doing in here?
Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters -- those facts are who you are.
To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!
Kill Pencilvester. Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing!
you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.
But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong,
Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap!
f honks horn f Son of a bitch. Oh, that must be where he lives. Okay. RICK: Huh. He's making himselfa sandwich now. Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors.
Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop.
I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad. Can he have visitors? He'd like to be alone. He told me to tell you he's sorry you didn't have bad memories of him? lfyou love him, you should leave.
JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly --
So, how much did we make? "We."
Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it!
Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax.
All right, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance. Yeah, I'm just going to... check on your mom. Marty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Marty, It's gonna be great. Hey, listen, Rick. Y-Y-You know how you said that, you know, love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier?
who would you guys chose?
W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you.
I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith.
And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army,
Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to?
"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick.
and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,
- Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up,
We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!
body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door, it's an invitation to let go of the body and an opportunity to share and experiment. Dad, please. What are you saying? Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it
Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?
The shoes have to be turned on! BETH: I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret? I told you -- l was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.
you don't want me and Rick to be happy? No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.
Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys.
- or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick.
Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13.
and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.
I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that! Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry.
Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12.
It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help.
Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa.
JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.
No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work? Somebody dropped the dime on us. Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high.
So, what are you -- like, the devil? - What? Sorry? - I don't know.
So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff. Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid?
In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know.
I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys.
People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties.
We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry! What the hell are you doing here?! What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917.
This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent!
I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow.
I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?
I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.
Motherfucker!
My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!
Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move!
And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, "
You know, you were right about the Universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place. Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know. This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Marty style.
I just sold my first pitch! Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!
Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.
That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry.
naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill --
It sounds like you and my dad have a long history together. Wish I could say the same. The road your father and I walked together is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies. Must be nice. Um, I used to have to draw him into family photos with a crayon. The war in which we fought is far from over. We live our lives in hiding.
He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben.
My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son!
This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works.
J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!
improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes.
How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn!
Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!
Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.
Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51.
Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great.
This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?
This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible. And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable.
Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids? I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same. All right, okay, fair is fair. lfyou do extra work, you get extra food. Oh,
I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off, how would they find their butt person again? I don't know, Summer. I can't even hear the TV, All right, that's it, We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day. Ooh, family vacation!
J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency. It's, like, I'm trying to eat a Flimflam -- like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk. The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only,
You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!
Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them.
Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God.
This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit.
What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica.
because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet. Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand.
My man!
RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb.
we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome. J, Look on down from the bridge J,
Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca. I'd like that.
Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!? Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry! Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll go home. What the hell is he talking about?!
No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours.
Keep your eye on Annie.
Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination.
"Okay" -- like you're gonna quietly teleport somewhere and never come back? No. It's your house. Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.
How do you know about that? It's top secret.
Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!
Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre? Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you.
This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!
Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis. Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here? Okay, Jerry. Let's head home. I can't leave now. Everyone hates me.
ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.
J, And I'm gonna keep jazzing J, Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy. Our pleasure.
How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay.
Can you fix it?
What the hell is he talking about?!
You know you're kind of a dick, right?
Drop the portal gun.
- A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream?
Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real?
Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.
Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars.
I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick?
What are the kitties to do but buckle together and work as a team F Mrs. Sullivan, l -- please, forgive me for being forward, but your eyes are so beautiful. Wait. This is an actual movie? This fall, sparks Will fly... Mrs. Sullivan. Ohh.
Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal.
It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!
We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts.
Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!
Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects.
Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.
Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know?
It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country,
Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage. Hey, don't blow me off. I am drawing a line, okay? Any damage to this house or these children when we get back, and... n-no more adventures with Marty, Aw, geez, Rick, if my mom's the one saying it, then you know it's pretty serious this time. BOTH: That's right. Wait. What?
I, um -- Jerry and I were looking for our weed whacker and found your subterranean lair and your alien prisoner,
Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny!
Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.
Well, we tried a couples' therapist. That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate. Well, we want to make it work, if we can, It's just -- Then it's settled.
We can adapt. We can communicate.
Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!
Yeah. All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now!
It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,
Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth.
Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system. That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out.
Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!
This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great.
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down? Well, it's bath,
Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,
Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk.
Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart.
Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
What do you know?
Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.
What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.
Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed!
Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.
The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country,
Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys.
fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue.
He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals.
All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!
JESSICA: Marty!
Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job!
Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park.
It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay.
Still here, still selling fake doors.
Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!
Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then--
like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family?
Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now?
Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.
Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.
but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible.
We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!
- What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.
You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn. We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons. I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit.
What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that.
Hey, Rick. I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out? Whatever. Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.
Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here.
Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty, And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry, and the Zigerions got nothing of mine. Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes.
- I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!
It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!
In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.
I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you!
What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school. Owl, Oof! Ugh!
What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)
I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"!
Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty --
I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.
That's strange.
Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones,
It's a good-a show!
I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.
All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry! What the hell are you doing here?! What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty,
l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!
Owl, Oof! Ugh! Damn it! I'm all right. I'm okay. All right, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is? Marty? Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40.
You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.
low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter?
I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick.
J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!
Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it,
You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh?
Pull the fucking trigger!
Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty?
l'm King Flippy Nips, ruler of Pluto. We discovered you quite by accident during routine surveillance of your world, You really gave it to those guys at NASA l was -- you know, sometimes science is about conviction. lt'd like to introduce you to a few people that very much agree with you.
Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!
But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are.
MORTY: I don't know, Rick.
- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see.
Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.
we could finish the job and go home.
I'm not looking forjudgment, just a yes or no -- can you assimilate a giraffe? You're the worst! No, you're the worst! You don't support this family! All you care about is yourself! You think supporting the family is about supporting you emotionally... you've got two children being dragged across the cosmos ...because it's never enough, Jerry! ...by your dangerously ill father! And you force me to watch it happen... ...because you'd rather lose them and lose me...
- Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen.
Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us, And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people.
Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!
You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
What do you say we go home? I'd like that. Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126? Uh, I'm not sure. Marty, Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket. - What?! - Way to go, Marty, Eh, whatever. - Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.
Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here.
Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.
It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air.
Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car.
Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles.
Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.
Should've been our wake-up call. But the rich plutonians won't wake up, and they love your Dad telling everyone Pluto's a planet because that means they can keep mining until Pluto goes from planet to asteroid to meteor, and finally...
Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh!
Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?
Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough.
I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.
the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!
Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives!
Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up,
We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.
Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me.
So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it?
Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty!
Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,
You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time!
Okay, it was about 754 years ago-, Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed!
We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now.
Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time.
Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human.
Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.
Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!
Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen.
Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love --
Look. This shit is delicious.
Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community. May my chores complete me as I complete them.
Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John,
You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa!
Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible.
Seven. . . keep away from that personal space. Eight, personal space. Nine, personal space. You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space.
Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?
Oh, my god,
And the final ingredient...
Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,
J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,
So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer. Oh, my god, Toby Matthews is asking... if my parents are still out of town and if we can have a party!
I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?
J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased!
Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle.
lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.
And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry.
Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor.
Dad, there he is! Oh, god, Hey, stop that! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad! Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad.
l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything.
Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,
- You don't click on it? - No!
That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,
Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him.
I'm a good person. No! Nooooo!
No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling.
The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond."
Oh, my god!
- Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.
"Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear." SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers!
Breaking news -- Academy Award- Winning actor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown. Don't even think about it, Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry? It's just a bunch of dumb tabloid crap. It's my life, and we're watching it,
Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven...
Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes!
You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai!
Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!
Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that?
South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core.
It's really weird. It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Marty, Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins. I'll take two. Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me.
I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut? What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry!
We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo--
Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold, or is itjust me? I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. I am here if you need to talk. - What is this place? - Paradise.
They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future!
I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up,
Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you. Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,
Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man.
Hey, there, stranger.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose.
He's saying "I love Obama."
A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going?
Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun. Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,
I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch!
I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't.
Who cares? Just hold me.
Absolutely! Good luck.
J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.
and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up! Hold it! Don't move! Stay back! This watch turns people into snakes! Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed.
That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.
I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?
Your slave is ill-mannered. My slave? We assume you are from a more primitive world, where men are still permitted to be servants. If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. He's my slave. He's my slave. He's definitely my slave. Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy,
10,9... All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.
Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary.
The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!
Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.
I'd rather not, actually.
This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery.
My lust! My greed!
Yeah, baby!
For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!
All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go.
There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!
No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick. Now's not a good time. Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Oh, real nice. Real nice.
l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him! How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean.
Aaaaaaah! So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing?
We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow!
All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out!
To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.
J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!
Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty, You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop, You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick. What do you know, Marty? What do you know?
Buckle up!
Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people.
Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person!
When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?
You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya,
- Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing.
...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick,
What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?
I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.
Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah!
I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No,
Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery. You're welcome.
"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.
Suck my dick!
Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital. I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital. To me, you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you.
Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?
Boo! Not cool!
This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line?
Oh, that must be where he lives. Okay. RICK: Huh. He's making himselfa sandwich now. Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What?
W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right.
This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.
and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty.
no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy? Not a bad trade for spider peace. All right, that's it, Move out!
You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones.
Are you telling me four billion Plutonians are wrong? You said science wasn't easy. I said science isn't always easy. Obviously, that means sometimes it is easy. Let's not debase ourselves with word games, son. Dad, theirwhole planet is dying. Ha! You called it a planet. Checkmate.
Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal!
They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!
Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.
giant feet,
And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do? You're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon. So...? Well, don't different animals... require different levels of skill to keep alive? undefined Oh, god, Get the deer in the car, Jerry. Yes, Beth. This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible. And you did it so we could clean the house after a party?
giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true,
What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.
uh... guilt --
Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it, God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky? Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things.
Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom.
The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf.
Doesn't matter. Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys chose? Doesn't matter. Breaking news -- Academy Award- Winning actor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown. Don't even think about it,
How did this happen?
Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped,
Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?
"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story,
Unity's not into other hive minds. It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.
but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast!
It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.
Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk.
I got pregnant at 17. I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't... I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth.
RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!
It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,
l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,
- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.
BLANE: Maybe I don't need a new friend. JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need. BLANE: Need, or want? JACEY: I've never been much forwanting. BLANE: Spoken like someone with needs. Oh, geez. Hmm? Uh, sorry. K-Keep going. "Jacey reaches out and touches his face.
Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!
Oh, Jesus Christ.
and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm.
Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh!
Hello? Yes, sir, yeah. Eh, thank you, sir. Thank you. He says he's proud of what we're doing and hopes we have a great ascension festival! Happy ascension! ALL: Happy ascension! We should pack up and leave town now. I think it's inspiring that our community is coping with fear in a way that involves a festival and homemade ice cream.
What the hell happened?
Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device!
It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy.
Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch!
Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now,
Hmm. Hey, wait a minute. Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention, there are extensive medical records open on my desktop, and I trust you to confine your activities.., to the purely pornographic. Absolutely! Good luck.
Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day.
What the -- aah! Aah!
Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch."
Stop it right now! Grandpa Rick, I like working here. You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes! So what if he's the devil, Rick? At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets. Buh-bye.
Even dumber than regular planning. Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up!
SUMMER: Dumb.
but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name.
Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine.
Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!
Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home.
There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these?
It's a good-a show!
My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday!
There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick.
All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,
A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,
Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?
U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax. Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?
Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.
Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.
The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?
The end. Oh, my god, Oh, that was so, so funny. Thank you. You're welcome. Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him.
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!
Shit!
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face!
We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.
a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but...
I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. I am here if you need to talk. - What is this place? - Paradise.
i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.
What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why --
- Good luck. - Thanks.
Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really.
J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right!
It's our son with Albert Ein-douche.
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,
Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense.
Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why? That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid.
Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh? Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams.
If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train?
Oh, hey h-hey-y! Morty, Jessica, what's up? Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,
Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!
Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]
Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage. JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah!
Screw you, Rick!
Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.
I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you.
No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.
Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning!
It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck,
Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.
before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,
Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you.
Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported.
JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,
Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.
Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,
See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns.
So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid!
I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick.
Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.
It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.
I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.
Are you tired of the same daily droii? Well, get on over to Blips and Chitz! We got, uh, one game. We got a Whole bunch of games here. You can -- we got Chabos and Flobos, and you can shoot thingsl Get over here! Play the games! Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets! "Ro y 2"just got here.
They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em.
Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!
RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.
Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.
What do you think of these things?
Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect. I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.
What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah!
- Not anymore. - You're overreacting!
You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery!
He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up,
I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one.
Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty.
Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing!
l'm Rick.
- DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you?
Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved if we replace his heart with your human penis. I see. Wait, what? It's perfect.
Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!
Yes, Marty,
You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies.
No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together.
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks.
Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding.
The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you! J, These memories that we have J, J, These memories that we cherish J,
I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world!
We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop?
Hmm. Human music. I like it,
He's the best.
Are -- are -- are you people even human?
Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.
Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?
We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.
A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?
What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something?
You eat our food and make gadgets.
l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt?
Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison? Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is -- I'll take you to dinner.
I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.
Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff.
Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes.
Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.
You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up!
You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary.
Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right?
has fast become the 6, 048th planet to ]oin the Galactic Federation. The plucky little ball of water and d/rt, which is where it gets its name, is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos.
Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.
Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news.
You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go!
Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no!
Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.
Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!
Get back! Wait, for real? You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around!
Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries!
Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter.
Paid for by Michael Denny and The Denny Singers.
Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning.
And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty? Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with?
You're fired. Wha--
This is bad, Marty,
If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!
Why are you doing this?
Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!
Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around.
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
The body is decaying. The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train?
ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what?
Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that.
Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman.
"Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho!
Oh, shit. We got tiny people,
Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris!
Stay. What do you want?
Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on! Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go. Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!
Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,
Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete.
Good birdie.
Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!
Now, there's a wide range of options to choose tram,
RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him.
f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life?
Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh?
All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!
We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet.
You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen?
No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us,
That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends.
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...
It's messed up, There's caterers down there.
Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates?
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,
God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster! - I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying. - Summer! - Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there! Why do you hate me, Summer? I'm not talking to you.
Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.
That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it, and how do we spend the rest of it?
You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,
Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez!
Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me!
Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.
Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you?
Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!
Aaaaaah!
The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older. What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.
A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there?
Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah!
You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax. Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?
I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this!
what do you think? You're fired.
In this reality, he's still alive.
You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are.
Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!
RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck.
I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure.
Two brothers in a van,
Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family!
I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again.
Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.
No, no, no, no. Black people.
Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases?
Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.
What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.
Scalpel. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Scalpel. - Nano-Scalpel. Okay. We're ready.
Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!
BETH: So, Dad, guess what tomorrow is, Martin Luther King Jr/s birthday. No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.
- Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu.
JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.
The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams.
Rick, Marty, lce-T, the timetable's moved up, Earth's on in six hours. Like we're not already under enough pressure?! - Whoa! Whoa! - Yeah! Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy. Rick, lce-T, could you guys take it less easy?! We've got six hours to come up with a song!
You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now.
What the fuck?
JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them?
Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes! Summer's gonna like me again. Lincoler, come on! Let's get out of here! Mein journey is over, Marty,
NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end. Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."
Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes. Yes, look through my eyeholes. /'m the E yeho!e... Man. /'m the only one that's allowed to have E yeho!es.
So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous.
Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.
Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said,
Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty,
Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now.
Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole?
Show me what you got!
You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer!
Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft so they may head back to theirweird planet, where women are kind of equal but not really. Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls. You know, you girls are really something, I'll tell you that. You know when we first go there, I was like -- Give them a ship now,
This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!
Don't do it,
lwish your mother was here to eat them.
That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!!
Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him. Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know...
You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.
You, not me! You! - Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah! Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies,
There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
Holy crap! God damn!
J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure.
But you're not touching my crisper.
- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah!
I'm traveling with my son and father-in-law. W-wait. Are they coming? Oh, they'll be back soon. What?! I don't know how this works! Help me! What the hell?! I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?
Hold on.
Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Rick! Marty!
Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.
All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry! What the hell are you doing here?! What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty,
Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.
Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.
Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card. She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,,
That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.
NO wrong answers.
Did you really talk me out of the abortion? Well, we -- we blew a tire on the way to the clinic, I think, in my head, Iwas doing it all for the kids. And now the first kid is going to do something with turquoise. Which is either code for crystal meth or a gateway to it, So we didn't do the kids any favors.
Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,
I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah!
So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms.
You might want to get checked, undefined Man: Hey. Dad.
Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,
Scalpel. Scalpel. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Scalpel. - Nano-Scalpel.
What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake.
Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!
We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things.
RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation!
Aah!
Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"
Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!
We will find our peace in the next world, So, what -- y-y-y-y-you're just gonna give up? We're giving in -- to the power of the one true Marty, One day, he will return. TOGETH ER: Praise the one true Marty, Ugh. All right, Mortys, listen up,
And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!
Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.
J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,
Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!
Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible.
What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks.
Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me!
BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.
Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!
What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!
Understood. D-i-i-i-i-ie! Oh, no, no, no! Why didn't heturn into a snake? Trade secret, Mr. President. Particle beam in a wristwatch, snake holster on the leg.
Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home!
Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit, - Smith family? - Yes?
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch.
The nipple hole. It's beautiful.
I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
J, Look on down from the bridge J,
Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!
Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him!
It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.
You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.
Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,
- What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.
Wha? Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A!
I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens.
What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!
Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic.
Man, look at them go. So coordinated. What's your problem? They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads.
I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing?
Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No!
There's a giant in the clouds!
Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.
My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time.
Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this.
Go with the flow,
You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god,
Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things.
JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired. Wha-- But t-this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation. Well, then, it was a terrible simulation. Get out. Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?
where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.
Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad!
Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go.
So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life!
I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!
Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit.
You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn.
BLANE: Maybe I don't need a new friend. JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need. BLANE: Need, or want?
This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!
- What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next? What about this?
Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!
Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!
Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.
The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it,
Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General?
Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it.
Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over.
Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.
Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump.
Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top.
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.
Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty!
And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet?
Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is. Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break Mom's heart. And I won't forgive you for that. Where's the van, Marty? It's over the horizon in the driveway.
Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.
W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.
Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you?
Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.
You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle.
You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!
Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.
Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.
I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here,
You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself.
I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!
l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty, This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."
Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication.
Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen.
O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here!
Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!
Jesus Christ!
MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick?
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,
Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What?
You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around! How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch! I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me.
There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now.
I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?
Hello. Guess who just sold the apples campaign. Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse,
My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?
Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.
Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!
Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you?
Oh, wait. Let me get a picture.
You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!
What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.
Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.
We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.
Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?
Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation!
Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch.
Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.
J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.
Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning.
This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.
l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?
That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204.
Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.
I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.
J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you.
Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe. FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe.
No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.
Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it!
Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!
Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!
J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J,
So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No!
This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back -- back w-w-w-when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps. Oh, boy, Morty. Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick.
Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.
I'm gonna find some fuel and take a big, fat Marty, That's my new word for shit because of today's events.
Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see!
You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy,
Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page.
See that planet right there? Don't fly too close to that planet. Someone will come out and try to wash your windshield. Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry!
I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them.
He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!
Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details. Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think.
Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.
ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now,
Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis. Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here?
Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat?
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa!
but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.
You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.
Ugh! Arrgghh! Ah! Uhhhhh! Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal? Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect!
He might have it chained up so that it doesn't eat the planet! Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs. He's probably racing to cure its space AIDS. - He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it! BOTH: Shut up!
Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad.
Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing?
Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?!
You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me --
Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye.
Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here?
It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.
Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai!
Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to?
Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable.
FEMALE UNITY: Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes. i 'm not strong enough to do it in persons. DELI VERY GU Y? i realize now that i 'm attracted to you for the same reason i can't be with you. You can't change. BEGGAR: And I have no problem with that, but it clearly means i have a problem with myself, N EWS PAP E R VE N DO R: /'m sure there's no perfect version of me.
Tuberculosis -- coming in fast!
Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.
None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.
Yeah, baby! Aaaah! Grandpa Rick, where are we going? Well, obviously, Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar? Ticketmaster.
My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah.
The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather. Out of my way.
Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself.
Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.
Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch.
It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No! Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch!
Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert! Ohhhhh!
No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Yeah. Totally. Let's go. You will walk when it is time to walk.
Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!
J, And the gears, they turned for a thousand years J, J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know.
Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!
Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.
You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate.
but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.
Neglect that deer. Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of of elk, moose, deer, and stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends.
I'm flattered and humbled. Oh, I like that. Use that in your speech. Also, talk about Pluto being a planet. People like that. Your highness, we've captured Scroopy Noopers. You animals! Animals! Ooh, look who's little journey's come to an end.
Oh, uh, hey. What? Agga blag! Uh, what do you want? - Agga blag blag - - Ohh! Uh...
We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,
Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh?
- What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit.
Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J,
Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
- What?! - Damn.
I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome. My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? M-my drink is empty.
We understand genocide. We do it sometimes. Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live? Stop asking! Yes, lwill! That's right, assholes. Take my penis. Take it all! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!
No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat. No! No!
No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,
He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it,
This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated,
You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other.
Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why?
Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama."
Hi, Frank. Aah!
I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land. Too fast. SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody!
Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel.
That's it, I'm calling security. No! All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room where none ofthe people whose stuff I stole can get to us, Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish.
Yep. Oh, my god!
Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them?
JESSICA: Come on, Marty,
- Good luck. - Thanks.
Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.
The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible.
l-l want to show you something. Okay, look, everybody makes fun of me for getting these, but you're a genius scientist. What do youthink? See? There's little R2-D2s where the George Washingtons should be. You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them.
You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die!
Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome. J, Look on down from the bridge J,
What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on.
Did you get any ofthat?
There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!
Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run!
You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me!
J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J, Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive?
RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime. Get it? You know, 'cause it's frozen. This has been so much fun. Hey, Rick. You know, this whole time, I haven't once heard you say that "wubba Iubba dub dub" thing that you usually say. Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase.
Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.
You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry.
Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.
Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
l outrank you.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!
Come on, Morty.
Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap.
The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads!
Good luck. My god! Mr. Pibbles, you just wrote my penis a one-way ticket to staying on my body town. ANNC)UNCER: it’s the opposite news with Michael Thompson. Hey, everybody, it’s me, Michael Thompson.
No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!
Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.
- Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!
All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool!
I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty. Jerry, what are you -- what are you doing in here? I'm trying to find our weed whacker, 'cause our weeds are wack, yo. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here.
I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,
See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.
I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!
I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale. ls, um, is he mad at me? He's not pressing charges.
This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun.
RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. Man, this place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices? Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is.
Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?
You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!
Oh, god, now there's three of them.
Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?
- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die? Don't worry. Dr. Glip Glop is the best in the galaxy. Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Aah! What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy.
Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?
I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!
Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.
So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?
Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!
A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle,
Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle. Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"!
There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp.
To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years.
That is why he must numb himself.
You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit.
I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!
and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad?
It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf.
I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today. Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations!
What a life.
Crank it,
Grandpa's back, baby!
Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.
but the key is, it has to be our daughter, not this person she's become. We'll take our chances raising her without fancy new jobs, outside of a potato-based religion. And you know what? l-l'm sick of pretending that we're together because of the kids in the first place. I married you because you're the love of my life.
and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.
Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!
Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah.
I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?
it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,
but you can't run from your youth J,
Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it,
Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh --
But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything.
It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure. Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty!
- We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is. Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50? Where am l? Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital.
Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh...
I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store?
I mean, I'm not doing much of anything. What do I do if it cries? Then you put it down and let it cry itself out. Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer, and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity.
l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it.
Uh, I thought you learned that by now.
Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!
and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
All right, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things. Excuse me. Can I help you? Starting with common office objects. Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! Such as staplers and pins and all sorts ofthings like -- such as that. That's it, I'm calling security. No!
I love this man!
That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense.
Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt.
You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well.
No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night. l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?
I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,
- Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad!
You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. Aw, crap.
They work for each other, Marty,
Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way.
Um...
BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?
Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!
The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa,
RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, ..
Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.
Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh.
Ooh.
i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that,
Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo!
Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we've done.
I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick? H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth!
I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife!
Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep.
and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls!
You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick. We'll have two Bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs?
RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.
Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?
Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.
Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies. However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "Space AIDS" as you put it.
Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick!
Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster. Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend,
ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.
Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?!
l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here.
J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J,
Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!
Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.
Marty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay! What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside! You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?!
they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith.
i feel love in my heart, too, fast like you. i wanna be able to express that love with both a man and a woman. And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.
I'm not the one who -- who -- who --
Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too. Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today? None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey?
Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this, just because Grandpa Rick is? It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you --
This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.
Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty.
I got the crystals!
l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him? I'll do it later, Marty, He'll be fine. Let's go. Oh, my Gad,
J, These memories that we have J, J, These memories that we cherish J,
1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But --
What the -- aah! Aah!
J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J,
You're doing great. I know how to crawl in a tube. Come on. Oh, This is harder than it looks. Whoa! - Marco? - Polo! Marco? Come find me. Marco? You guys are enjoying this? Don't you feel a little patronized?
Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.
Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.
My man!
l’m running real quick,
Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.
Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,
Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl.
You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10,9... All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic.
you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out!
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.
Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.
Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit!
We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space. Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space.
Have you ever been to a pizza contest?
I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!
Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy,
Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there!
I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants.
This trip has been a "Titanic" failure. Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you.
and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on.
You thought about getting an abortion? Everyone thinks about it, Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it, so you're welcome. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, thank you guys so much. It's a real treat to be raised by parents that forced themselves to be together instead of being happy. Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? Mmm!
...and nine cats who break all the rules.
All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '
Wait. Destroy it.
All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.
How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.
You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?
You can take Lincoler with you.
What?! I don't know how this works! Help me! What the hell?! I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?
Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty.
That's odd. This deer's wounded. Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off.
Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them?
Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis. This microscope reveals things beyondcomprehension. Grandpa, go home and drink.
Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was Kitt. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old,
Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver.
Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!
I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why -- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him.
Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system.
You "sat through it"?
Oh, shit, motherfucker!
Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty! Nobody's killing me...
You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash.
But that's no reason to accept our fate!
- Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter.
PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing!
Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait.
Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!
Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.
Yeah -- j-just don't do it. Grandpa!
Take him to Pluto-namo Bay. You can't kill the truth, father. What? I can see you're confused. Pluto-namo Bay is a military prison -- a sort of play on wards, Did he call you "father"? Scrcocopy Noopers, the anti-planet nut job, is your son?
Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass!
I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
- Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
- I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too.
May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline.
My man!
You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs.
We're so screwed!
"Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor?
Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on.
I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,
Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do!
Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly.
Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy. Our pleasure.
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?
Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?
I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.
But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!
I'm starving.
It's how things should be. It's how they could be.
I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate. Well, we want to make it work, if we can, It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know, gonna get a divorce? I think it's okay to dream, Marty,
Have you ever been to a pizza contest? - Go in the waiting room, Dad. - Fine! Excuse me. Coming through. What are you here for? Just kidding. I don't care. Well, this won't do. - Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time.
Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?
J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.
You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty, This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay.
Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English?
I am here if you need to talk.
But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.
Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey!
Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!
And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear. A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes.
Help! We should go get him. I hope I can call on you and Rick again if I need you, Marty, Sure thing. And I -- I was kind of hoping that I could get a selfie with you? Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse, Understood. D-i-i-i-i-ie!
- Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!
Maybe you're right. All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff.
I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil.
Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light.
Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom.
and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way.
Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures.
But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.
What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!
Aah! Huh?
Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!
I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but -- Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives.
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty.
MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!
Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six.
My slave?
Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after,
Oh, dear god, no.
This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are. l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers.
Oh, my god, Morty.
J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!
Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?! Everybody, in here! Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation?
I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me?
No! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited. The Pluto-bel prize is the highest honor a scientist can receive.
Come here. No! Stop! I hate this!
That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty,
I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something.
What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again!
Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him.
My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails.
All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing.
and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.
Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?!
"Dada."
I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four,
Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it!
Run, Marty! Oh, my God!
I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!
Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller." Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it, Wow !
Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!
This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.
This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.
You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it? I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart.
This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.
Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,
You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.
I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture.
Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time!
SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what?
Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first. I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes.
Yes, look through my eyeholes.
Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick?
You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.
[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected!
You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun,
I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.
Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly.
I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer."
The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters -- those facts are who you are. So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is.
Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man.
I'll go.
Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing.
I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs!
What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.
I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man.
Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.
But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable.
Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?
Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.
W-w-w-where we running ta? Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.
J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him! No, no, no, no! You better keep back!
Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go. Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben.
Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures?
Your geldon convertor is pretty dinged up,
A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,
Yes, she does. I saw it in your laundry room, Listen, you can't both be in denial about it, Okay, bye. Summer! You can't throw a party! Rememberwhat mom said? Yeah, if anything gets messed up, you and Grandpa Rick get punished. I'm only a human being, Marty, Rick, tell Summer she can't have a party! Uh, Summer, you can't have a party. Because
What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun.
Yeah, bra,
Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head!
Where did he get a gun? Who gave him a gun? That's not a gun. That's the XP-20 XS, Ah! Oh, my god, I'm a good person.
What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no. What the -- No!
It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.
I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!
I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight.
I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? Did you get any ofthat?
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.
But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are.
It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases? Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!
Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at?
I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!
It's a good-a show!
Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!
Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk?
All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.
I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell?
You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?
Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky?
My god, the man's a genius. Um, excuse me. Marty, what? Dad, what did you think about the recent report published by The Pluto Science Reader linking Pluto-quakes, sinkholes, and surface shrinkage to deep-core plutonium drilling?
Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.
They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and l have here in my hand a motion to dismiss.
J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has --
Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!
Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam.
That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Marty,
It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take --
He's not pressing charges. I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad. Can he have visitors? He'd like to be alone. He told me to tell you he's sorry you didn't have bad memories of him?
Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker?
FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed
I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.
The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy.
All right, listen, Jerry. lf Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location. You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality,
Here's where I am.
Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch!
Zing! That guy got it.
Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.
Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things.
You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.
You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.
You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer!
It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty,
J, It feels good J,
Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill Wow, you sure found this guy quick, Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective. Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick,
Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Marty, Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty -- one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced,
Revenge. What?! MAN: Party! Whoo, baby! LINCOLER: Please, stop! Hey, brah! I don't understand. Are you enjoying this?
One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
"Morning"?
Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh...
What are we doing? I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay. Hey, we agreed. Never in the house.
Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!
MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. ..
We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter?
J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J, J, I want it real J, J, Run away with me now J, J, I want it real J,
Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon.
Oh, my Gad,
Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go!
Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.
He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide.
I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!
reportedly at large somewhere within the gear system. Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it.
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?
You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.
When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick!
Gentlemen, gentlemen! One at a time! Simon? Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got --
Lookin' good. Slow down! My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.
You little piece of shit.
Let's do this thing.
Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?!
Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh... we can't. Absolutely not. I'm s orry '2 We've been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us, but the key is, it has to be our daughter,
A movie about a guy eating shit.
minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud.
I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick.
Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.
Red alert! Ohhhhh!
Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!
JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!
Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died,
Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.
but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover, Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her?
He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.
Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from? My -- my -- my grandpa Rick sent me! Poncho!
Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty,
Good job, Morty.
the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go!
I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right.
My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering. Smith Jr/s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father,"
Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty? Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic,
You know what? I'm taking this.
and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other. Apparently, they've got some real creative differences.
"Pluto is a cold, cold planet." That's what I meant. Knock them dead out there, you. Pluto is...
J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome!
Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick --
Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up. - Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people? Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own?
Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial.
- Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved. No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it, - Yeah, I did. Now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak-ass time again. How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison,
And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter.
Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty,
- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.
and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses,
That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today.
I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life, you got to stop listening to yourself. Wow, You really are wise, Jerry. l-l-l guess that's why you work in advertising.
Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy --
You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh...
No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.
I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing.
Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J,
9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit! - BOTH: Whoa! - 1 out of 10 times, it's a deadly trap, but I'm ready to roll those dice.
ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking. Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally -- we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh?
Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose?
I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?
Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids!
Birdperson!! No!! Holy -- Drop the portal gun.
God damn it.
Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh !
Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane.
TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls.
We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir. We were just hoping to get on the roof of your lighthouse so we can send a beacon to my sister on Earth. - It's a different planet. - By the way, life on other planets exists. Don't let it distract you. I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale. Okay. Deal. All right, I'm gonna go to the roof and set things up, Marty, you listen to his tale.
Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed! So, what do you think? You wanna... keep this marriage going a while longer?
Spaghetti, kangaroos? l’ve gotta check this place out.
and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby!
Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry.
[processing, powering up f
JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty!
I'm posting this online, like, right now.
Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this?
But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us,
I'm not? Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!
- What? - Nothing. Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean. Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know,
but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering.
Let's go down and check her out.
Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.
Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster. Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend,
Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,
You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.
I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty.
"Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-And-So-Dick. I've got such-and-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh. All right! That's enough! You guys are talking about my species.
iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?
Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage.
Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.
Take a deep breath. I love you. l'm counting to three, Jerry.
All right, that's it, We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day. Ooh, family vacation!
All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to!
But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."
Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.
Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.
Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.
- Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven...
The world?
Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!
BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.
The homeless are now "Phisosophers."
It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now.
Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god,
l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!
Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit.
Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist. That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round.
No! Get out of my head, parasite!
Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!
Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"?
ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency. It's, like, I'm trying to eat a Flimflam -- like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk. The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do.
Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second.
Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?
He's getting married!
But we don't like the idea of these people getting married, Put a line in the sand, everybody. Vote "no" on proposition X W2. The act that says trunkpeople can get married, Who needs it? Not on my watch. Paid for by Michael Denny and The Denny Singers.
I hate you so much right now.
Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51. People! Everyone! Remain calm! Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith. When God deals you an 11, you don't fold!
Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying. I'll leave it at that. Fine, dad! Oh, he might have said to take it outside. RICK: Come on, Summer.
Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.
You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"?
Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!
Puh! This late?
It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty,
Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,
Marty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Marty,
All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!
But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space,
Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!
My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then--
Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die!
J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.
Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.
You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy,
I remember the conversation. We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours?
and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun!
Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive?
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now.
Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you?
Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread.
Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.
Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.
Oh, you made it!
So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run."
I have something important to tell you. J, And the gears, they turned for a thousand years J, J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know.
O h, my god! Aah!
I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you.
Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis. This microscope reveals things beyondcomprehension.
Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty?
Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!
Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!
Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die.
J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,
Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes!
I'm Scary Terry.
J, I hurt myselftoday J, f woman speaking gibberish ]
We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.
On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires.
Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall.
And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,
You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir.
Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works?
How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.
This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what. Oh, my God.
This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.
Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay?
is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos.
Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know,
You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?"
Oh, my Gad,
Oh, my god, Are those...
Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?!
You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.
Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt --
Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.
you're no better than the men whose farts shall remain unspoken. And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute. Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft so they may head back to theirweird planet, where women are kind of equal but not really. Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls.
Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human,
All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive.
Come on. It's not every day that I'm town. It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet?
List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.
you might start enjoying yourself. Whoa! Look at you! You're wearing the hat and everything! Here's yours! Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice.
ALL: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oof!
All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it,
nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals and 12 million deep fryers, but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what?
Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!
Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too. RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family.
Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh?
[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.
"I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s.
my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?
Here. You can have this back. You didn't use it? Sure I did -- to develop this. lt detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone," Ray Bradbury, "Friday the 13th" The Series voodoo crap magic.
We're going to get it nice and steamy in there, and I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint, and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean. Beth! Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now.
what do you think? You're fired. Wha--
The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie!
Now, pick up your dead self and come on.
What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!
Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick.
WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays.
Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them?
What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering -- No, l'll G-- I'll get your info from Summer.
How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!
How are you guys not freaking out right now?! T-The whole house is sitting in another dimension! l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker!
all the famous ones... they're gone. Dear god.
What's that? Who's that baby? Marty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?
Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?
to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it. Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black. Title -- 'three weeks earlier."'
All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!
J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J, J, All the moon men want things theirway J, J, But we make sure they see the sun J,
Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!
Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.
Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!
You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much. Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller."
Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.
which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.
Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery. You're welcome. RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick!
Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes.
Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this?
Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.
Shall we, master Morty? We shall.
Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.
Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor.
Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!
You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!
l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her!
There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light.
What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government, Thanks to the skilled diplomacy ofthis mysterious space car, from this day forward, human and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them, and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption.
We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone.
We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,
and my grandson wants the sex robot.
Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs.
It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!
These halves don't belong together, bitch!
Summer!
RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!
This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow!
He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child.
Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you?
Oh shit.
Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here.
Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!
Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes.
Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?
we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time.
Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca. I'd like that.
Oh! Good work, Morty.
Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!
Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page.
Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty, Really? You think? I mean, I'm not doing much of anything.
Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf--
Who wants lemonade?
Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick!
iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)
but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous.
1,2,3.
Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy,
Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,
All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists.
The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine.
Yeah! Aah!
Oh, Dad. What? For real? TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica.
Summer!
Yes.
I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick? H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth!
Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb!
You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.
- MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What? Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, "
I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was Kitt. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain,
Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand.
Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.
lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.
RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow!
Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!
Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole!
This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply.
Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo! D-don't dodge the issue, Rick! Selling a gun to a hit man is the same as pulling the trigger! It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,
and lhave to mop it up, The floor drops out to make it easier. But now it's my turn. We're going to get it nice and steamy in there, and I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint, and then you're going to love inside of me.
Jesus. Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants,
You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty,
No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas?
Oxygen-rich atmosphere.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!
lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty,
You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.
What do you think of these things?
[grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake do-o-o-o-rsi
It's gonna burst! Go!
inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh... We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time.
Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant.
Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.
Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't.
Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!
f speaking alien language f
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.
You son of a bitch! Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder,
I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp,
Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face?
Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we --
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
- Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people.
but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What? For real?
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!
Yes.
Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.
undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart.
That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.
Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty!
"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.
Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.
I'm a certified horse surgeon,
Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick.
Breaking news-- Shrimply Pibbles is being held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith. Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know. Do it! Do it! Remove my penis!
Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife. So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes.
and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,
Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on?
You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying. I'll leave it at that. Fine, dad!
Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.
How you feel?! Why is everything always happening to you?! Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.
but it's time to relax.
Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.
Excuse me. Come on. Please, everyone, I have news about Shrimply Pibbles. Word of Jerry Smith trying to weasel out of his penis donation has spread across the galaxy. Beings everywhere have come together to offerwhat little they have to help save Shrimply's life.
Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that,
Aw, hell, no, dawg.
Don’t even hesitate, don't even worry,
Yes. Yeah!
On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance!
All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!
All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no. What the -- No!
They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity,
Rick! Yeah, yeah. Hey, have a good festival, old timer. I intend to. Rick, unlock it! Just a second, Marty, Oh, look at that sunset. Stop screwing around. There we go. Much better. Now we can see. Great.
Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little?
making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works?
Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place.
l'm counting to three, Jerry. What the fuck is going on?
It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!
- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did.
And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!
Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something.
I guess he got what he deserved.
J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?
Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down.
No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.
You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.
Hey, muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet, or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why? Sundown is when the festival begins.
and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!
How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine. Help! There is no escape, my son. We will find our peace in the next world,
So, how much did we make? "We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!
Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.
Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes!
Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit.
Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination.
Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.
J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J,
clear communication.
lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J,
Hi. Beth. This is Jerry. So your teenage daughter's marrying a Birdman. Are you guys down with that? No pun intended. We're quite proud. He's a wonderful person and an incredible Bird. Still, what is he, 40? It's just, you know, when he was 30, she was an actual child. When he was her age, she wasn't born.
The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.
Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.
You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go.
J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J,
Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you, but there is still time. I am yours until my death. ALL: Aww! Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson!
You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.
When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't!
And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved?
J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J,
Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first.
Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!
Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,
Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3.
Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it!
Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw.
Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline. All right, Rick, look -- how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us,
I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
I am a baby! I'm a baby now!
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
Sanchez? Are you a musician? l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51. People! Everyone! Remain calm! Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith. When God deals you an 11, you don't fold!
Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this.
No! Nooooo!
The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you.
Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead.
I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!
Disqualified. There's one every season.
powering our homes and businesses, improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there.
Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,
I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.
Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!
Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class?
I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm...
Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business.
It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,
But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes. Would you relax, Marty?
No, that's dumb.
J, Goes away in the end J, J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops,
Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What?
Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch."
Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you.
It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius.
I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!
This fall, sparks Will fly... Mrs. Sullivan. Ohh.
Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing?
W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty,
I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified! ALL: Ice-T?!
We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency.
What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.
Disqualified! Disqualified!
Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But --
Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles?
The shoes have to be turned on!
You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.
Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch!
Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.
You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.
Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!
My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me! Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem.
- Hey, Marty, - Oh, oh, hey, Dad. Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me. Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad.
J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?!
And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!
Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty.
Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty, for them to work. Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze.
I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow!
We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this,
Here's yours! Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice. Pardon, Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension?
f honks horn f Son of a bitch.
Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them.
Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.
No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame. My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey...
l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but...
Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't.
Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.
So I've heard. Just fix it. I don't think the Gromflamites can track us now, but it looks like we're gonna be here for a while. Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it?
Rick Sanchez! You psycho bag of squanch! Hey, what's up, Squanchy?
Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right! Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face like Wart from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee! How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about?
Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.
Open the door! Open the door! Open the door!
J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya,
and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines.
Well, well, well. Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty,
What? What the hell are you doing?
I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it.
We'll have two Bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?
I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?
Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry. W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face!
That is pretty gay.
Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time!
That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!
Don't move.
Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful.
Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later.
So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn,
Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice. WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do.
ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity?
I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death!
I'm a genius.
Ugh! Arrgghh! Ah! Uhhhhh! Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal?
Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie,
Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?
I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land.
MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend.
Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!
Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"?
let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends.
You broke your time twice.
Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on,
How you feel?! Why is everything always happening to you?! Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer?
if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role, Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist. That's Earth therapy.
Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.
Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!
J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J,
H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field.
Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la."
How sophisticated.
We're sorry for our increased levels of emissions and our racism and, of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone. BOTH: Whoa! All right, Marty, Let's get -- let's do it. Why don't you, uh, find a button on one ofthose keyboards and lay down some kind of beat? Rick, I think we need to cut our losses. W-we get our family and portal out of here!
Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute.
You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are. l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.
I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.
I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little.
No, you won't. The police are coming.
Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty, Uh, where? The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.
Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened?
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now. Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty? You really lucked out with Summer o-on that one.
I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop!
Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.
Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak, more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs -- one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory.
That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves Alan Jefferson or something like that. It's crazy, right?
Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.
It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud. Oh, man, Rick! W-w-w-where we running ta? Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it,
Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work,
Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!
Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.
Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you? Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it.
I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything,
Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry. This aftershave made women want me,
Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry.
Jews rule!
I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs."
You're welcome.
l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing.
Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison?
Alexand--
I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded!
No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication.
We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline.
He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.
You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills,
My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.
Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season.
RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!! All right, third time's the charm.
You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell?
Free of charge. One never pays here -- not with money. Nothing to read into there. Thanks! Sorry I'm late, Mr. Needful. This is my grandpa, Rick. He was just leaving. Huh. Tell me, Rick, what do you desire? Eh, I make my own stuff.
I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you?
I ask you to do one thing!
Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice. Hey, Marty, there's our Jerry.
But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened, but I've never been able to participate.
JERRY: So...
We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. l have an idea.
Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
it’s "Saturday Night Live, " starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Gar Ma Nar Nar, three, um, um, um... i ll get back to that one,
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight.
Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.
All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you? Ohh! He's asking if Tiny Rick will be here. Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night?
Holy crap. I am winning a nobel prize. Come on. Time's up. I'm taming a lion. No, wait. There are film cameras. I might be a lion tamer in a movie. You get the idea. I work with lions. Ohh, we're not playing Yahtzee! We're playing Chutes and Ladders.
Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it,
It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick.
"Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell?
Would you relax, Marty? There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair.
Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken. I am gonna go back to the room to finish my book. You should find that Lucy woman. But -- but -- You see, Jerry? May I show you something? Had everything gone as planned,
J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy.
He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!
You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!
MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?!
My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want.
Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,
outside of a potato-based religion. And you know what? l-l'm sick of pretending that we're together because of the kids in the first place. I married you because you're the love of my life. And I'm lucky to have you, and I never tell you that! You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family.
That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and --
nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I? So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby.
I can't...| can't...
Giant testicle monsters. We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,
Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck,
You did it again, cubbie. Come here. No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame. My name's Reuben Ridley.
Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty!
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea.
Slow down! My man!
We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad?
Hey, what's up, Squanchy? Hey, Squanchy. Marty, Summer!
I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem.
Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do!
lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this?
Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!
No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. No!
Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!
The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody.
So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe.
What is my purpose?
That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name. Here's another slogan right below that one. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas.
Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife. So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it,
I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!
Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon? Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty,
possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty.
Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough.
Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top.
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?
I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.
Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine.
You have no idea what prison is like here!
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame!
That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.
Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick!
Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!
What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius.
The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who?
J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has --
Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?
you still thinking about taking that trip? Jerry, look. We don't have a perfect marriage, but I'm not going anywhere. When we were in that freezer, I realized the Meeseeks are like the guys I went to High School with -- willing to say anything to "complete their task." Was I one ofthose guys? The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards,
What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream?
My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why?
Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh? Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson. Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.? Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel. I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, but beyond that...
You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop. Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill.
Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?
There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this.
Calm down.
Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture.
No! Oh shit. Oh shit.
No, I'm talking about -- Yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you get to the dolphin people, you gone too far. All right, man, I'll talkto you later. Okay. You know what they do to third-dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever. Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life?
It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days,
You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?
Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid!
O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.
J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd.
PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased!
MAN: Did you get any ofthat?
MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?!
or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why? Sundown is when the festival begins. The festival? Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war,
I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy?
You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?
Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty,
Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
- Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh!
Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?!
So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet. Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.
S-Samantha. Please, mister! Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre? Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders.
I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, Look at that thing right there. W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this?
Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"
There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys.
We can communicate.
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.
Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other.
You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.
I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.
I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me.
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,
You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around,
Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry.
Never. Back in a flash.
MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say --
I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God!
Hmm. Human music. I like it, Rick!
Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch?
J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.
Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up,
No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.
Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter? Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention. To a conversation about vampires?! Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires, because I wasn't paying attention, which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role, Am I a victim, Beth,
Too fast. SUMMER:
Man, woman, and now Trunkman? We know science has created men that have a trunk that allows them to have sex with both male and female partners. But we don't like the idea of these people getting married, Put a line in the sand, everybody.
Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child!
I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry.
We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.
Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!!
Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one. J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J,
You're not Marty! Bring us Marty! Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy.
- I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.
J, Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo J, Boy, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Marty, A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction.
we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.
JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,
You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth.
Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I?
Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.
Can we start cleaning the house and see how we feel?
Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.
Oh, that must be where he lives.
Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.
Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.
And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,
I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty,
My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing!
Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha!
Mr. Pibbles, you just wrote my penis a one-way ticket to staying on my body town. ANNC)UNCER: it’s the opposite news with Michael Thompson. Hey, everybody, it’s me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn 't get killed. He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba.
Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.
Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip. Oh, hey, it's you guys!
ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick!
[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?!
I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!
Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?
Yeah, Marty, J, With love, connection, and experience J, - It's my favorite song, - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, distress beacon! Yeah, baby!
We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space.
- Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time.
Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?
Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So?
Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake.
"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you!
Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho! J, Oh, it feels good J,
J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J,
Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium.
J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy.
What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.
So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right? Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice.
What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen.
Hey, uh, come here. l-l want to show you something.
Extra food?
I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.
Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something.
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me!
Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.
W-w-w-where we running ta?
You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure.
- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe,
What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that?
Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I?
I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts.
Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!
undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch.
Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, "
Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.
What? Why are you looking at me?
You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile.
Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?! Everybody, in here! Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.
How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch! I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that! Stay. What do you want?
What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.
MAN: L//' Bits! ...where the food is tiny. It looks like regular food, but really tiny.
Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.
Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant!
Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home.
Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.
NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt"., Plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop,
I'll be in the garage. J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J,
Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad. You're a genius at that. Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son.
I thought I'd go out.
Hold on to something.
- Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her? Well, if it's any consolation, Summer, none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid. Okay, I've got an idea, Rick.
Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.
- Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?
Oh, boy, Here I go killing again. Aah! Aah! undefined Arh!
ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty,
I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks.
You know what? Screw it! I have a better gamble for you guys. I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys.
so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!
Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40.
Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?
Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,
Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know?
How you feel?! Why is everything always happening to you?!
MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!
Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time.
That's not how it works!
RICK: Hold on tight!
I'm starving.
You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine.
Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well...
They changed it in 2006,
"I prefer to keep my penis."
RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh?
They have been blowin' me up,
of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick?
Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Oh, my god! Oh shit!
Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,
God, whatever, Rick.
Have fun.
6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.
H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad!
Okay, well, which is it?
TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys?
Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together. Dude, are you -- w-- you're being a dick, right? Oh, gosh, l-l hope not. l-l-l-l-l-l wouldn't want to offend you in any way. You're really a Rick? Y-- of course I am --
What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power.
H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone.
Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.
And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird. I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going. Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.
Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!
Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.
Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!
You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!
A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show.
You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!
Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.
Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude!
'Cause I said so!
and they love your Dad telling everyone Pluto's a planet because that means they can keep mining until Pluto goes from planet to asteroid to meteor, and finally... poof. Um, a party? ls everyone in your family an idiot?
Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that.
RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty, Uh, where? The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.
J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J,
Poor little Rickless bastards.
He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?
That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m--
Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything.
Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe?
Get them! Run, Marty!
This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!
- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged."
JERRY: Try not to worry about it, Marty, You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. You're missing the point, Dad. I don't want girls. I want Jessica. Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica.
Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker?
What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it! HEADS: Hooray! Yeah. All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J,
You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple?
Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.
There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made. Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space. "
Never go in my room again. I didn't!
You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's.
Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me?
Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship.
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J,
Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son.
And what do you do then? its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "
lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!
Boo!
Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!
and I am too young to drive!
You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,
And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.
Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.
Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.
Jerry, get a job.
so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.
So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm -- I know everything about everything?
Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J,
Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.
Our alliance is beneficial.
J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!
Hmm. Human music. I like it, Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp!
Shut up and listen to me!
J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J,
All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still.
Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!
Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that,
Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases?
Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me!
Red alert!
All right, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things. Excuse me. Can I help you? Starting with common office objects. Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! Such as staplers and pins and all sorts ofthings like -- such as that. That's it, I'm calling security. No!
Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah! Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now, calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah! Reload, fast.
We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,
Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son.
There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians,
See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.
Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off.
Where am I?! You're at a wedding. Go change. J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J, J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J, J, Fat beats and an alien smile J, J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J, J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J,
She's a woman. He's a man. The city burns in the background as he takes her in his arms. Fade out. Title -- 'The End'... question mark." Wow, Yeah? lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it? Of course I did. You didn't laugh at the scene in the bar. l...thought it was funny, but I wanted to hear the rest.
Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.
It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system. That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen.
Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun.
Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got.
Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!
Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google! Mm. I'm so proud of you, Lucius. So, how much did we make? "We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me?
You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves.
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh?
When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.
Birdperson!! No!!
Aah! Unh!
so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life? We only want Sanchez, si'r. Your family Will be fine. Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,
[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards!
Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame.
Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage! Do you mean this? Summer for for the win. All right, that should do it, Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself. Whoa!
Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty!
Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!
There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty,
See that?
Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8...
Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh? Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists.
Shmla -- Shmlangela? Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"!
Ah! Uhhhhh! Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal? Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts!
Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?
Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.
All right, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is? Marty? Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40. Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty!
Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,
JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them.
These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore Free-fi to Fo-home.
Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery.
Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again.
What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.
Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!
Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before.
That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together.
is it a bad time? Are all present life forms assimilated? Beta Seven, this is my single-minded friend from Earth, Rick. Rick Sanchez. Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ.
Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me.
This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah!
I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food.
What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?
Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick. We'll have two Bloogies, please.
You were so small and cute. I thought you were gonna fly right off into the street. I used to pee my pants. I know, and now look at you! You have a job. You're making really good money. You're not paying any rent, so you have plenty of disposable income. Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up,
You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.
There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!
Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.
- MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay?
And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.
Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.
Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer.
For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!
Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies,
I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves?
On paper, Morty. On paper.
Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe. FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.
Seriously, Rick?
Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.
you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem.
You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now!
and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other. Apparently, they've got some real creative differences. Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house,
What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!
Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,
f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, "
Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do!
Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer.
What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical.
Our pleasure. Yeah, ljust hope you got a pre-meld. - Rick! - What?! It's just a practical way of making sure that when she's done with you, you can get one of your balls back. - Jesus, Dad. - He's grumpy from the flight. Ohh, H was happy on the flight. l'm grumpy from the landing. Well, I looked at the guest book.
Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight.
Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.
You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart,
What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy! Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete,
Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!
MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say -- you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you --
Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.
Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only,
What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney.
All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you.
Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...
Well, this won't do. - Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,
And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.
Wubba lubba dub dub!
Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here.
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
I'm late to class, bitch!
lfyou could all just stop screaming and chanting and making whatever that gesture means -- Excuse me. Come on.
but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?
"Feels Good."
Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!
South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!
Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone.
Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.
6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason!
Amazing.
Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks.
Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!
Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds.
Roy?
This place is great, you know?
lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know.
Welcome...
Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.
Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad!
LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry? Uh, almost. I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes. I'm sure it's good enough. Move! Every weekend, Jacks and Roses have their Titanic experience in this car, and lhave to mop it up, The floor drops out to make it easier.
The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family!
It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,
Oh, my god, I'm a good person. No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f
We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.
Hey, everybody.
You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy -- - They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?
Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh. Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!
lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp-- I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth!
I guess I remember that.
Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.
- Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer.
Clever twist.
What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland. Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here.
What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal!
No!
Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.
Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty,
Buckle up!
He'll be fine. Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!
Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody.
Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson. Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six. Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!
Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.
I...am...finally complete!
fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue.
who would you guys chose? Doesn't matter.
Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.
Shhh.
but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,
Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop.
I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me.
Oh, geez.
Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out.
Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer.
Rick!
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick.
Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh. See you,
I am not staring at you. I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. This is a candid shot. I don't require a camera so -- Sorry. Hi. I am not staring at you-,
Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains.
Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!
Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?
There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually. undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak.
I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.
It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do --
ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity, powering our homes and businesses, improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned?
Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty,
All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.
Pluto is... ...not a planet.
You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste,
...not a planet.
Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!
After a little scary coitus,
Grandpa, go home and drink.
JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,
Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it.
Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that.
Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.
- My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.
l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario -- we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.
They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick --
What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder.
You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue.
Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me. Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad.
You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life.
Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th-- but that's not how it went down! Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.
Rick, Marty, lce-T, the timetable's moved up, Earth's on in six hours. Like we're not already under enough pressure?! - Whoa! Whoa! - Yeah! Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy.
Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.
We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun.
Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.
Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.
Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. Fill a whole room up with them.
someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick,
It's beyond your reasoning.
I love you. [processing, powering up f
Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick.
Revenge. What?! MAN: Party! Whoo, baby! LINCOLER: Please, stop!
...scare Scary Terry.
You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture.
Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?
There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries!
Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.
...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor.
It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,
Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"?
Run! Relax, Marty,
I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.
You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters.
MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor.
Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J,
Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there? Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah.
That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out. Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on!
l-l-l understand.
Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged.
That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed.
...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!
That's beautiful. You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No!
Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,
Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery.
Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.
Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!
to run your car?
you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.
I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?
My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,
Marty, crack the window.
It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick. ln here.
Buckle up!
No, "Telepathy."
Well, obviously, Summer,
Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L"
and...
Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!
Huh? Wait a minute.
Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha!
Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around.
But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"!
Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,
Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!
we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves. We killed a vampire anda gym teacher.
Well, w-what did you think, Marty? Life just developed on Earth by itself? Here, let me take care of this. Geez, Rick, that's disgusting. I don't wanna look at that. Yeah, guess I'm out of fluid. L-Let me find a place to stop. Hey, muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet,
So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse. So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere.
how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four." Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion,
I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster.
People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep.
He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place.
"Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, ...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass. Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J,
This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!
Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!
There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up!
What? Why -- why me?
No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.
Aaaaaah! ...eight...
you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know? Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir.
You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?
J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, It's still raining up here J,
Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!
Ohh! He's asking if Tiny Rick will be here. Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob!
I'm a good person.
Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!
Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now! Grandpa Rick, I like working here. You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes!
That would be illegal.
It's a good-a show!
What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you.
Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, "
Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,
Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!
- They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir.
Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy?
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp--
welcome to our Ad Agency.
Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Aah! What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy. It's like those pizza places that claim to have the best pizza in the world, What do you think, they have pizza contests? Have you ever been to a pizza contest? - Go in the waiting room, Dad. - Fine!
MAN: Hey, how’s it going?
Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?"
My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time.
Aah!
Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.
J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with, l'll break who you -- J, And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front. Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!
The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!
Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's --
l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not.
Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed.
You pass butter.
That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry.
lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen?
Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?
Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive.
Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination!
We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.
We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. Grandpa Rick, couldn't you, like, use your superknowledge to turn yourself into a teenager and come to our school and help us hunt the vampire down? Um -- Wow, Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer.
Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man. I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery.
Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older.
No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Yeah. Totally. Let's go.
Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!
Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad.
Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby!
Please just let this work out.
I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck!
yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe,
J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J,
Birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet -- Opening myself up to others. SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker! Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful.
GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry.
You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!
Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio.
JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting. RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you.
Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"!
It's a big deal he has a friend. What do you know about friendship, Jerry? Confirmed, shipping Jerry. - Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! - Oh, god! Jerry! Dad! Dad! Where is it taking him? I assume planet Squanch -- 6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.
It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day.
- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!
I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.
balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.
so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about?
If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina,
Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll, Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien...
that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,
I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity?
God, I feel terrible. Yep, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the Universe can be. One minute you're falling off a roof for six months,
It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more. J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, J, The ground can be space J,
You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.
We'll park it right here, Marty,
Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!
Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL:
Never in the house. That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you?
sometimes science is about conviction.
J, But we make sure they see the sun J, J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J,
Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face."
Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.
Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad!
J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um...
No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them.
So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know,
It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country,
Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!
Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding. But that's the opposite of what-- Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything?
All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather.
Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!
Samantha, I need to know that you understand that l have a couple of eyeholes.
What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now. Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!
You know, so we can take them wis-- With u-- with us if we lose? That's planning for failure, Marty, Even dumber than regular planning. Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty,
He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?
Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!
Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive?
That out there? That's my grave.
That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral.
iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--
Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?
you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!
It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Hey, what are you in tar?
Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No!
I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.
You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time.
You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards!
You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified.
But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik
You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet!
The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most. Males... ...they get to play outside.
There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!
You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!
Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect. Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? Yes, we discovered a species oftiny pig off the coast of New Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west. We'd offer you some,
lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.
You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here.
Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here!
I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here.
- Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on. - Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved. No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it, - Yeah, I did.
In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.
J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,
Our village is saved! You are both true heroes! Oh! Good job, Morty. Looks like you won the bet. Thanks, Rick, but I don't know if I should. You know, you were right about the Universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place. Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know.
Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J, Here's the deal. I'm not here to judge. I'm just a guy from another planet. But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you.
Yes. Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?"
What kind of business do you do in a garage? You know, this seems a little shady. Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty? Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady.
You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.
That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world,
it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!
A pussy emergency!
No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!
you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!
pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.
Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!
Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty.
plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.
l dabble, Mr. President.
Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back!
Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Uh, sir? There's not a problem. What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it!
Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally.
How do you -- what is this? Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.
Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...
I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,
For how long?
Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.
Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard!
Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.
Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting.
Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.
Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery.
Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight...
We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop?
Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else. Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick. Now's not a good time. Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go!
Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis.
"gubba nub nub doo rah kah."
How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!
Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty, for them to work. Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty?
Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves,
...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!
Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist?
Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please!
RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...
Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell?
Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle. Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones?
Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean?
What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species, Beta Seven. Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice. Unity,
this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.
Good luck.
Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck.
Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army.
Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.
Ohh. Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you.
Scary stuff, huh? Pretty freaky. Hi. I'm Morty's math teacher. I'm also part ofthe street team inviting folks to the church downtown so we can pray together. How is praying going to help? Ma'am, a giant head in the sky is controlling the weather. Did you want to play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house!
Hold your fire!
Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!
Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
I love you bad, Mo-Mo!
I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?
God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.
on this robot's home world, which is... Gazcorpazcorp in the Andromeda system. Scoot, Summer. Don't you need a new companion now that Morty's in the family way? I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
I'm not? Good. Okay. Great.
Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld.
I want the police to take me!
Grassss tastes bad-ah.
l squanch my family. Uh... What? I do. l squanch my family. Stop saying it. Grass, Come on in, guys. The guest are having cocksquanches. Where am I?! You're at a wedding. Go change.
but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed.
Beth's automatically on board always with every decision I make.
Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.
These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!
I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?
MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown! I just think it's time to get realistic.
Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.
Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.
But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet -- Opening myself up to others. SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!
No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...
Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?
Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.
Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath.
Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying! All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick?
Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.
Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!
Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick! Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler.
Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer. Oh, my god, Toby Matthews is asking... if my parents are still out of town and if we can have a party! All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you?
Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time?
l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.
ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty, don't -- don't -- don't be like that. The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place. You're the one that's crazy and chaotic!
Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble.
Ow! I'm defeated.
There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target. Got to relax. It's just a pitch.
I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry. I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life,
Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying. I'll leave it at that.
It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!
Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.
J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J, J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J, Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody!
Squanch this, mo-Fo. Good one, Morty. Excuse me, bartender. Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about and a lot of vodka. Mm-Hmm. l have a lot of vodka. Then I'll take one of those. I don't need the rest. God, whatever, Rick.
I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet.
You know what? Screw it! I have a better gamble for you guys. I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you,
l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.
white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson.
Calling all Jan Michael Vincents.
Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.
For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy -- - They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir. There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians, all the famous ones... they're gone. Dear god. Hold on, sir. Just a minute.
I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture.
I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty,
l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth. In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.
relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting. MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say --
Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?
Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
- Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four. Your marriage can rest easy now.
but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,
Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space.
I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em. RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty, I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let'sjust find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Marty, Proceed to the liver.
It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.
That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.
I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of --
It's not a door, Beth. It's debris.
Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is.
I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.
T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty,
And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet.
Whoa, man! What the hell was that?!
That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!
A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!
Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real.
So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.
The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that!
Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!
I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-,
I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am.
Go, go, go!
And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.
J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else?
You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!
The act that says trunkpeople can get married, Who needs it? Not on my watch. Paid for by Michael Denny and The Denny Singers. Hi l’m a trunkperson, and i want -- i feel love in my heart, too, fast like you. i wanna be able to express that love with both a man and a woman.
Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you.
Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!
All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.
Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick.
The thing. The thing.
We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size,
That came out wrong, That came out very wrong, Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me. We're playing Yahtzee. Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. It's a fun game for fun families. Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second?
- I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What? Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash,
Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris!
Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,
Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding. But that's the opposite of what-- Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything? Hey, you know what? You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick.
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.
Slow down! My man!
Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah! Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind,
Aah! Don't think about it!
Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future!
the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh.
I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap!
Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge. Here we go. Holy crap! Come on, Morty.
My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!
and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me!
A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older.
This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded!
you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.
I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.
J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on. All right, I'm bored.
to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!
Hey, Rick. I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out? Whatever.
Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose?
What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.
I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity.
none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work. We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as, because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt.
He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus.
We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!
Whoo, baby! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?
in a world where muscular Mannies are coming, and they're coming strong, there's only three unmuscular Michaels. Get down. Hurry. Run. And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it.
We are not...them. Assemble the troops. I've made a decision. Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak,
What -- what -- what are you in tar?
J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man!
Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!
Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you? Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty,
You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual.
Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,
Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it.
"Jerry, get a job!
Aah! Get off! You guys!
Wubba lubba dub dubs!
- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it,
All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing. I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest--
Stop asking!
Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside?
Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes!
They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No!
Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!
Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.
Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card. She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient?
Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name!
Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay! What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got. JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America, welcome to our Ad Agency. I'm Jerry Smith.
J, Goodbye, moon men J, All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas,
Oh, Jacob.
The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you?
Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.
But sometimes, plans need a helping paw,
I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.
I was kind of hoping that I could get a selfie with you? Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse, Understood. D-i-i-i-i-ie! Oh, no, no, no! Why didn't heturn into a snake? Trade secret, Mr. President. Particle beam in a wristwatch, snake holster on the leg.
Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here? I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked. Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it.
You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once,
Aah! Scalpel. Scalpel.
J, All the moon men want things theirway J, J, But we make sure they see the sun J, J, Goodbye, moon men J,
Marty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?
You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!
Okay, thanks for clarifying.
You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will?
Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke!
I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!
RICK: Listen, Beth, don't torture yourself. I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale. ls, um, is he mad at me? He's not pressing charges. I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad. Can he have visitors? He'd like to be alone.
That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry. Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect.
I'm not ready to die.
Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,
Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.
but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel. So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy,
Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.
is always check out distress beacons. 9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit! - BOTH: Whoa! - 1 out of 10 times, it's a deadly trap, but I'm ready to roll those dice. Seems like something terrible happened here.
You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J,
Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.
Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler.
Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.
Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?
Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer. I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?
You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?
He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you?
Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.
Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.
I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right.
Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us!
l'd hang out with Jerry all day. Affirmative! Returning to sender. No, hold on, stay, courier flaps. Staying! Dad, you have a friend... that's getting married. That's a big deal. It's a big deal he has a friend. What do you know about friendship, Jerry? Confirmed, shipping Jerry. - Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! - Oh, god! Jerry! Dad! Dad! Where is it taking him?
Guys, seriously. Nancy? Summer, you're a bad person. All you care about is having popular people like you. That's not what Abradolph Lincoler stood for.
Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!
Doesn't matter. Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys chose? Doesn't matter. Breaking news -- Academy Award- Winning actor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown. Don't even think about it, Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry?
J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit?
Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.
Buckle up!
i 'm sure i ii fast unity species after species and ne ver really be complete, FEMALE PRESIDENT: But I know how It goes with us. iiose who iam and become part ofyou. Because in a strange way, you’re better at what i do without even trying Yours, and nobody eise 's, Unity.
J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something.
Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!
Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous! I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds,
Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
I guess he got what he deserved. What is that?
Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.
Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many.
Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!
Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you,
The nipple hole. It's beautiful. Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!
So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean?
"Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.
Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time...
Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?
I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh, Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!
Hi. I'm Morty's math teacher.
You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine.
How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.
Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now,
ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!
- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids.
All right, that's it,
Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?
Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days. What is my purpose? Pass the butter.
What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes.
J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa! J, Ohh, it feels good J,
ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Annie. ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick. ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.
Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!
How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right!
You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship.
Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind?
Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was Kitt. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them.
I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?!
They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick -- almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!
The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir.
Oh, my God, so embarrassing.
I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,
Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source.
Gross!
That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell!
Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system -- I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick.
Here we are, Cronenberg Marty --
I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp,
I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out.
Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target. Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax.
God damn it! God damn it!!
Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.
He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!
I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.
Science isn't always easy, Morty. Whoa! Whoa! What the hell?!
MAN: Actually, there is. Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke."
J, You say goodbye, moon men J,
And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios, lthink. lcan’t-- l’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock because i can 't see anything. Our prices, lhope, aren 't too low Check out this refrigerator, only $200. What about this microwave F Only , 100, That's fair. l’m Ants in My E yes johnson, E verything's black.
You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers!
but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time.
Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming,
Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick.
He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.
L 'chaim!
Unh! Class dismissed.
Wow, Hat trick. All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...
J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!
Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right?
I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see. Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way. MAN: Actually, there is. Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke."
What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?
You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is. Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break Mom's heart. And I won't forgive you for that.
and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption. Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy?
Marty!
lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character. Please don't. Oh, Well, when did this stop being Jamba Juice? I've just recently opened for business,
Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!
MORTY: Jerryboreel?
Hold on. There's more.
But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay!
Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.
Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!
Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did,
...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins!
Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey!
You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.
What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!
And squeegee comes up from the garage, right? But he's got a lobster in one hand, the movie tickets in the other, he's like, "I'm ready!" You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T!
We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.
I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty,
Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!
that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family!
Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that.
We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!
Ooh. Ohh.
www.100timesrickandmorty.com.
Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!
What the fuck is so valuable about you?
Um, w-we come in peace.
- Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up?
balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!
Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect. Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? Yes, we discovered a species oftiny pig off the coast of New Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west.
You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty,
Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.
Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here!
I'll see you at God's house!
Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.
Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick?
But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather. Out of my way. Okay. lf sanity's been restored to this assembly,
SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.
It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!
Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death.
Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.
I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.
I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure.
You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man!
You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're --
What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.
Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming.
Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap!
BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?
That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!
- Master. - Speak. Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was?
Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch?
And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp--
I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy.
Hi, Frank. Aah!
But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick!
Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind.
We've got six hours to come up with a song! Genius happens in the moment, Morty.
Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right.
Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go. Well, terrific.
You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!
J, What have I become J, J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J,
That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.
It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.
Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong?
The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me.
You're the man ofthe house, and you don't have a job. Delivery for Rick. Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry. Gross. What is that thing? It's a courier flap. It's like the intergalactic version of UPS, but less off-putting. Oh, shiiit! It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson. Must be time for his annual Oscar party.
Oh, boy, Here I go killing again. Aah! Aah!
Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter.
Hey! - Hey, Marty, - Oh, oh, hey, Dad. Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me.
l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters.
5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here.
This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.
Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool.
She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!
Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding.
Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right.
I like it, Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!
Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.
Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick?
Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe.
Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to?
We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...
- Me! - Yeah, not with that attitude. We're in the drop zone! I'm the jumpmaster! My name's Jamey -- with an e-y! Go, go, go! B-but -- but we don't have a song! Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we've done. We're sorry for our increased levels of emissions and our racism and, of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone. BOTH: Whoa!
Ow!
This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!
Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!
this animal can't be transferred until the current attending physician verbally confirms their inability to provide adequate care.
Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh...
Seems like when I exist, life gets a little more -- I don't know -- predictable? When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. Give me a break. We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. Oh, I get it, Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.
l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass!
Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me?
Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385.
Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!
J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J, J, Goes away in the end J,
The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Summer, I've always loved you!
Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah!
Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out,
Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro! I can't believe she's here. Well, what are you doing standing here, Marty? Go, Talk to her.
Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.
I need five minutes.
We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.
RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.
Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?
And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"!
You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me.
Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation.
Everybody stop remembering!
I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby.
I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."
Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it, God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure.
We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Call as up and order some fake doors today. Don’t even hesitate, don't even worry, and don't even -- All right, I'm bored. Change it, Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name. Here's another slogan right below that one.
and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long.
I would love to see it,
Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still.
And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!
You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here?
When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine.
My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,
We don't know a damn person here. Hi! Jerry Smith -- Father of the bride's friend. Advertising is my usual game, but I'm between -- Jerry, stop networking. We're in space. "Jerry, get a job! Jerry, don't look for a job at an alien wedding!" I don't get you. This is the closest... I've ever gotten to this part of my father's life. I don't want to blow it. Okay, I get it. I'm cramping your style.
Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was --
I don't have any! Spoken like a person with repressed rage. I take no part in the festival. lfyou desire to kill me, I only ask you do it quickly. No such agenda, chief. We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir. We were just hoping to get on the roof of your lighthouse so we can send a beacon to my sister on Earth.
This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!
When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.
Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool.
Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works.
I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?
Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President...
You guys are enjoying this? Don't you feel a little patronized? How so?
The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here.
RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot.
CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly. In the meantime, please, stay on the ship and enjoy a complimentary plate of James Cameronion rings. Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken.
I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.
Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!
Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, man. I cannot wait -- I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this.
Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples.
- What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines?
Hmm. Human music.
Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!
Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole.
and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?
Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --
What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.
Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.
J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!
Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry.
- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.
Yay, you win. Where the hell am I going? Wh-- What are you asking me for, Jerry? I'm sitting here trying to figure out why the cops don't just take you out. I mean they got a clear shot to your head. I can't believe our tax dollars pay for this.
A lot of people don't get that. Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!
ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Oh, real nice. Real nice. How does a man do this without me noticing? Oh, you know my dad once he puts his mind to something. You're spinning this to his credit? I'm going down there. - Jerry -- - Beth, this is my house,
We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot! You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding.
You're missing my symphony.
25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?
- MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good.
Nice. "Wholesome Delight" for lunch? - Is that the vegan place? - Yeah, I love their soup, I'm kind of soup-ed out. Mrs. Tate, is it? What do you desire? Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect.
Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!
You have to get us the fuck outta here.
How? They took my portal gun.
PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there,
a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other. Apparently, they've got some real creative differences.
Be better than me.
I know everything about everything? Did you really talk me out of the abortion?
Uh-oh, Marty, Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss? Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick.
MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.
I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.
That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community. May my chores complete me as I complete them.
Uh... okay, J, What have I become J, J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!
Yeah. Good one, Jerry.
You're saying I should leave Jerry. I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation. More wine? I think I've had enough.
Well, Jerry I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but -- Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work.
This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,
Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass.
And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, "
Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out.
Bomb! Bomb!
What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?
If that were really true, then...
Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera. Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12.
Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more. J, The worlds can be one together J,
We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.
including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!
Thank you, Seattle.
We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous! I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom,
Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.
I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.
Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.
Run, Marty! Oh, my God!
He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J,
You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --
A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you.
J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,
I got news for you.
Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!
lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,
Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down.
Never go in my room again.
Say -- say no?
My god, the man's a genius.
God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky? Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things.
I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec. These are the forms for the employee health plan. All right, yeah, put -- put them on my-, eh. I just got bored. Everybody out.
Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.
What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out.
J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife. So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it,
5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty!
I love you bad, Mo-Mo!
See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works?
But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm --
I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery. You're just a symptom of it,
Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,
I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.
- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?
Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.
J, These memories that we cherish J, J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.
So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick, if you're so much smarter than them? It's an obsession for them at this point. The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead ofthem. Aha! Here we go. Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips.
J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.
That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate. Well, we want to make it work, if we can, It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,
WhOops.
Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know?
Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?
Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half...
but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.
This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded!
Well, I can't cure death.
I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it!
We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times.
Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio.
I ask you to do one thing! Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob.
You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.
You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious!
because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly,
J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J,
- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide.
J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, J, Damn right, and I'll do it again, 'cause I am nice so I gots to win J, J, Break bread with the enemy J,
MAN: Did you get any ofthat?
Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?
Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball.
Proceed to the liver. ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat... ...liven Ow! ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge.
He recognizes the other dogs on TV,
Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity. lt absorbed the minds of our people. We didn't notice until it was too late. The people it takes over, they -- they look like your friends, your family, your leaders, but they're not themselves anymore.
Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch?
RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate.
Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.
Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean? Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up,
I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks!
I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y