I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty,
Be better than me.
Oh shit! The other collar!
I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God! Oh, I bet you do, old timer.
Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting.
W-We got to get out of here.
All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid?
It's on the house. Oh, and, uh,
why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well?
Oh, no way. That's really nice of you,
I'm a nice guy-, for now.
Ohh, I don't doubt it, We're not skipping a beat, Marty,
Now, help me with these bodies.
This is insane.
Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay?
I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me --
I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this?
Okay, buddy.
All right. That's good. Good job.
Time to go home. When we get to Customs,
I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine. Where am I?!
You're at a wedding.
Go change.
J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J,
J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J,
J, Fat beats and an alien smile J,
J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J,
J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J, J, No kitchen sinkles J,
J, No little brother J,
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!
Here we go!
J, Summer and Tinkles J,
J, Friends with each other J,
J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J,
J, No kitchen sinkles J,
J, No little brother J,
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, And also, knock next time, you know?
I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 --
I got a computer in here, you know?
Oh, I -- I think I understand.
You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man.
I get it. Say no more.
I mean, one ofthese days,
you know, you're gonna end up seeing something.
I got it! Noted. Good night. Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!
Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,
Arthrisha, what do you got?
Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good '
Oh, ho!
I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it!
"Feels Good."
It's a fucking hit song,
J, It feels good J,
Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho! "Inception" made sense.
You don't have to try to impress me, Marty,
Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher,
Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty,
That way you can, you know --
y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time.
Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing,
couldn't you have just, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! Huh.
l-is -- is something wrong, Beth?
Ow!
Oh, my god!
RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!
Wait, but I --
- Oh, Beth! Why?!
- I need an ambulance!
There's been a shooting. My wife shot...
Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick?
This is not okay!
Not only do they all want to have sex with me,
but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards!
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
Mantises are the opposite of voles?
I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that.
You know what, though, Marty?
This right here's gonna do the trick, baby.
lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves --
scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.
All right, okay, y-you know,
ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid.
Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know?
Look down there.
Looks like some kind of tavern or something built right into the side ofthe step. Called it,
ALL: Hello, Rick.
Long time no see.
U nity?
Rick?
Grandpa?
Oh, boy, Uh...
these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty,
Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity.
We sort of used to, uh. ..date. This is really amazing.
J, It feels good J,
Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.
J, It feels good J,
Yeah, bitch, what's up?
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
Whoa! Hey, little buddy.
H-h-how you doing in here right now?
Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?
Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty,
Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty,
Oh, boy,
You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.
You're my little friend, aren't you?
We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these?
They're soaked with my stomach acid,
Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,
and spirit, sa ve me.
Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial. What?!
It's as good as garbage, Marty,
It's not gonna work anymore, Marty,
Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good.
W-what are we gonna do?
l-l have to be back at school right now.
How are we gonna get back home?
There's ways to get back home, Marty,
It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle.
We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs,
so you're gonna have to do me a real solid.
Uh-oh.
When we get to Customs, W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty,
Help me up,
Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.
Why don't we just use your portal gun?
It's in the car, dip-ass.
Oh, god, it hurts.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
l was just trying to do right.
Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?
Hey, Marty,
What?
Hey, little buddy.
H-h-how you doing in here right now?
Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?
Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty,
Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty,
Oh, boy,
You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.
I took it okay the first time,
and now you're just repeating stuff.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Wow, it's the planet's core.
JERRY: I'm just saying,
we keep acting like there's only two options,
but there's not.
So, yes, if we went back to Earth,
as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us,
But, and this is purely hypothetical,
what if we turned your father in to the government?
Jerry, so help me god,
if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
It's just Rick and Marty --
Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,
Rick and Marty forever and forever.
100 years, Rick and Morty's things.
Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time.
All day long, forever.
All -- a hundred days. Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy?
W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side ofthe screen like that?
I don't know, Marty, See what else is on, huh?
Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. "
i 'm Pichaei Thompson.
Hey, wait a minute, Rick.
This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left.
Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.
i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. Oh, man.
- Come and join us.
- I'm sorry. No, no.
Ooh, come here!
No, thanks!
Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby!
No, I'm okay.
Whoa!
Summer?!
Hey, there, stranger.
What do you think of these things?
Ohh! Oh! Gross!
Gross!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then...
Jerry, just say it,
Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real?
Jesus, Jerry.
No, you're real.
Hey, look at me.
Now, I don't know which way is up out there,
but I know us, and you're real, Jerry.
Remember our vacation? You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know,
is that you crapped your pants.
I mean, it's a mess out there.
I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.
Aw, man, geez!
Seriously?
Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty,
Here, here take these, Marty, Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought --
Keep breathing!
- Oh, god, What's happening?
- Look at me!
Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!
ls -- is this what bleeding to death is?
Oh, whee. Is this how I die?
Oh, geez! Oh, my god!
Why would you do this? Beth.
It's not supposed to hurt.
undefined l-l thought...
Ooh, whee. undefined Marty, you idiot.
Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!
We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous.
He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty,
Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car.
Right, uh --
Fart.
No! Just -- j-just get in the car!
Marty, come on.
I want to go back to Blips and Chitz.
I don't want to deal with this.
Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.
More are coming. Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah.
Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position.
But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge,
and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is?
Seriously, Rick?
Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots?
Okay, yeah, fine.
But let's make it interesting, Marty,
l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, Oh shit! The other collar!
I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?
I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry.
If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.
Come on, Morty. Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,
you gotta pump the gas a little.
Pedal to the metal, Marty, I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.
Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, check the engine room,
Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water.
It's all here, Rick!
Wow, Marty, Lucky break.
Grab that bucket.
Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium.
Okay. Uh-huh. J, I'm a tax attorney J,
J, Oh, geez, oh J,
J, Forget about everybody else J,
J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,
J, Forget about Muhammad J,
J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,
The end. J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?
lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.
J, Take off your pants and your panties J,
J, Shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,
"Mr. Bulldops"? Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white,
uh... guilt --
white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.
Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --
you know, you’re pretty mean to me,
but that takes the cake. Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick!
I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.
Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, check the engine room,
Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water.
It's all here, Rick!
Wow, Marty, Lucky break.
Grab that bucket.
Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.
Stop right there!
If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F."
RICK: He doesn't care.
Aw, man!
Rick, I have to go back!
I think I was about to get married!
Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty,
What?!
Listen to me, Marty,
Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,
Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,
Ugh! So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial,
overly sensitive, clingy,
hysterical, bird-brained homunculi.
And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age,
I go by amount of pain in my ass,
which makes you both identical.
All right, everything resolved?
Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, It's in the car, dip-ass.
Oh, god, it hurts.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
l was just trying to do right.
Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.
Heads up, Rapists.
Well, don't just stand there, Marty,
- Purge 'em.
- Me?
No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Why -- Why would I do that? You do that?
I don't, because it would bore me.
I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty,
But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts.
So you stuffthem down and --
Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting.
Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go.
I'm not watching.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, your medal's in the mail.
- I'm gonna get a closer look.
- Oh, okay, sure. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up,
You guys are the fucking worst!
Your gods are a lie!
Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!
Yes! You did it! Yes!
Hey, uh, how about that drink?
Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live?
Then open the blast shield doors.
Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.
You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. Dad, please. What are you saying?
Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.
Hey, speak for yourself, because it
sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover.
GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Jacob is your mother's lover.
I watch them -- Yeah, Marty,
J, With love, connection, and experience J,
- It's my favorite song,
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, distress beacon!
Yeah, baby! Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.
We're not skipping a beat, Marty,
Now, help me with these bodies.
This is insane.
Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay?
I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me --
I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,
Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? Here we go!
J, Summer and Tinkles J,
J, Friends with each other J,
J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J,
J, No kitchen sinkles J,
J, No little brother J,
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.
Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.
MORTY: I don't know, Rick.
I mean, I've seen people do that before.
RICK: Well, look at that old lady.
She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.
Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.
Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!
She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty? What the hell was that?!
I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,
But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?
I'm starting to come down, Marty,
Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. It looks to me like the...
Marty?
Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this? - Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.
Yeah, you're still doing it.
It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up,
Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it.
Pretty simple, right?
I need food.
Who's got food for that guy?
I do, but this is for me. I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God! but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.
I took it okay the first time,
and now you're just repeating stuff.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.
Yeah, you're still doing it.
It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Don't fall for it, It's a bit.
Just kidding! Ha, ha!
You fast got Ricleyd.
You’ve reached Ricks voicemail,
You know what to do. f beep ]
Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Now, help me with these bodies.
This is insane.
Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay?
I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me --
I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,
Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?
The answer is don't think about it,
It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.
We get three or four more ofthese, tops,
Now, pick up your dead self and come on. J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass... J,
SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there,
I would be so furious with you right now.
Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty? and spirit, sa ve me.
Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know,
is that you crapped your pants.
I mean, it's a mess out there.
I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.
Aw, man, geez!
Seriously? It's also the same as doing nothing.
lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead,
there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him.
That's why he does it for a living.
Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,
You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick!
You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun,
but you could undo it if you wanted.
Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield,
Boy fuck you, John,
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak, JESSICA: Come on, Marty,
lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist?
Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff.
I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.
You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend.
Uh, y-you will?
Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Hey, man, when the hell were you?
Looking for you, asshole.
I told you past the dinosaurs.
You know how much time is past the dinosaurs?
Half of all time!
Come on, man. It's this way.
- Come on.
- Give me that thing.
Speed it up. He can't be this far back.
No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is.
There he is. Stop, stop.
- So, that's the guy, huh?
- Yeah, that's him. Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,
Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
In my butt?
Come on, Morty.
Please, Marty, This is my grandson, Marty,
Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael.
I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa.
Here. Go away.
Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly.
So, this shoots antimatter?
My target can't be killed with regular matter.
Nice to meet you, Marty,
Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered,
please give me a call.
I'm very discreet.
You're g-giving him a card?!
l have no code of ethics. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend,
but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then...
Jerry, just say it,
Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real?
Jesus, Jerry.
No, you're real.
Hey, look at me.
Now, I don't know which way is up out there, Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back!
H-H-Hunter?
- Daddy.
- Hunter!
Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter.
Oh, my boy, My boy,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.
I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone.
W-W-W-Wh at?
Leave the car alone.
Hunter? Don't --
Oh, my god, Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God!
In your face!
One dot, motherfucker!
Yes! Oh, yes! J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,
and spirit, sa ve me.
Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial. It's gonna be fine.
All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals.
Oh, shit, motherfucker!
Kalaxian crystals, Marty,
just a few miles south of here.
Okay. Let's go, then.
W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you.
I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.
J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,
J, Wait for you to get it on your own,
X gonna deliver to ya J,
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,
J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J,
J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship.
It looks to me like the...
Marty?
Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,
J, Wait for you to get it on your own,
X gonna deliver to ya J,
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,
J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J,
J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, The worlds can be one together J,
J, Cosmos without hatred J,
J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J,
J, The ground can be space J,
J, Space, space, space, space J, No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door,
you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you,
and you take a giant shit on it.
Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon --
Well, you can't. I want you out of here.
You're a petty person, and you're insecure,
and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.
What the hell?!
I don't care. I want you out.
What?
Take that thing down.
Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.
- Marty!
- Rick, I didn't do anything. Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Oh, geez, Rick.
W-w-whoa, this isn't good.
Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!
Ohhhh!
Holy crap, Marty,
He can travel through dreams.
He can travel through dreams!
We're so screwed! Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?
Yeah! You know, I mean...
it's different from the stuff on Earth,
and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy,
and, you know, I don't really have anything to --
to remember all those trips by,
It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir.
You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? J, Goes away in the end J,
J, You could have it all J,
- He's not coming back, is he?
- MORTY: No.
J, My empire of dirt J,
Hey, look, cops, Aw, geez, Rick.
I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know?
I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous.
Marty, relax.
It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there.
You're gonna be fine.
Just follow my lead.
Yo, deejay, drop that beat.
Uh-oh, Marty, Where am I?!
You're at a wedding.
Go change.
J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J,
J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J,
J, Fat beats and an alien smile J,
J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J,
J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J,
J, And I'm gonna keep jazzing J, Wow !
A whole world populated by intelligent dogs.
I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick.
I think it will be great, Marty,
You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages.
I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop,
You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven.
You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick. Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap!
Get out! Get out!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get the fuck out of the flying machine!
Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay!
Back up, asshole.
Back up,
Ohh. Whoa, man!
What the hell was that?!
I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,
But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?
I'm starting to come down, Marty,
Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass... J,
SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there,
I would be so furious with you right now.
Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty? Marty?
Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this?
Okay, buddy. Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.
In this reality, he's still alive.
Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters,"
which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.
But then, when they made the movie,
Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp--
- or Garfield, I mean.
- That's pretty cool, Rick. All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.
Are you happy now, Marty?
Heck, yeah!
Thank you, Grandpa Rick.
Hey, there's no... dangers or anything,
or side effects, right?
W-W-W-What am l, a hack?
Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof.
Eh, unless she has the flu. J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J,
J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! Rick, she took the car!
You fucking kidding me, Marty?!
She took my car and the gun,
We're like the rest of these assholes now.
W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty,
Help me up,
Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.
Why don't we just use your portal gun?
It's in the car, dip-ass.
Oh, god, it hurts.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.
MORTY: I don't know, Rick.
I mean, I've seen people do that before.
RICK: Well, look at that old lady.
She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.
Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.
Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!
She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. J, His name is Scary Terry J,
J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J, Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal,
Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running,
l’m running real quick,
Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast.
[ trifling f All right, l’m not gonna get him.
[just learned a real valuable lesson.
l’m coming, Babylegs, Your idiot dog!
Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.
D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white,
uh... guilt --
white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.
Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --
you know, you’re pretty mean to me,
but that takes the cake.
i don't give a fuck.
l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.
Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. Oh, yes, Morty.
l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it?
Yeah, you know?
There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is,
Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah.
Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing.
Wha-- convincing?
Oh, Responsive, too.
In real time. I love it.
Uhh...okay.
I'm going to work.
Marty, good morning.
Dad, good morning. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people.
6, 10, what's the difference?
I just love the number 6 for no reason!
Where's my pencil at?
Here, Rick! Use me!
Oh, thanks, Pencilvester!
Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened,
but l-l don't get why I would do that.
Everybody makes mistakes, Rick.
Why do you think l have one ofthese? Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped.
Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped --
A bad song's a bad song,
Well, do you think, maybe --
Could you give me some help with it, or...?
Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
You know what I'm saying? Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker?
Is that what it is?
We can go into detail later, son.
Now, wait. Th-there's no point to secrecy.
Let's all live and die honestly.
Your mother and I have shared 40 years of each other, mind,
body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door, Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this?
Okay, buddy.
All right. That's good. Good job.
Time to go home. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,
Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head.
J, Let me out J,
J, What you see is not the same person as me J,
J, My life's a lie J,
J, I'm not who you're looking at J,
J, Let me out, set me free J,
J, I'm really old; this isn't me J,
J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J, J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J,
J, Stay out my way, mother J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.
There's something special about you, Marty --
so special.
Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!
Back off! I'm trying to be with my man!
That's enough, Bradley!
We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.
Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... I've really outdone myself.
Outdone yourself?!
W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick?
This is not okay!
Not only do they all want to have sex with me,
but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards!
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
Mantises are the opposite of voles?
I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that.
You know what, though, Marty?
This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick?
I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
You know what I mean?
You're missing the point, Marty,
Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels?
I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house?
No,
So, why are they doing this? Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place,
and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.
All right. All right. Calm down.
Listen to me, Marty,
I know that new situations can be intimidating.
You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but,
you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty,
What?!
Listen to me, Marty,
Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,
Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,
Ugh!
I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.
Marty, that's not class.
T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher.
This isn't your school.
This entire world is not the world,
We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Still, what is he, 40?
It's just, you know,
when he was 30, she was an actual child.
When he was her age, she wasn't born.
When he was, let's see, like, 18,
she was literally in there in yourwomb.
Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says,
"I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." Ooh, oh!
Oh, man.
- Come and join us.
- I'm sorry. No, no.
Ooh, come here!
No, thanks!
Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby!
No, I'm okay.
Whoa!
Summer?!
Hey, there, stranger.
What do you think of these things? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought --
Keep breathing!
- Oh, god, What's happening?
- Look at me!
Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!
ls -- is this what bleeding to death is?
Oh, whee. Is this how I die?
Oh, geez! Oh, my god!
Why would you do this? Beth.
It's not supposed to hurt. Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework?
Yeah -- j-just don't do it.
Grandpa!
Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?
Wow, Hat trick.
All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this.
I got to help your pathetic family.
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say.
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.
Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.
It's on. Come on!
Hey, you don't know me!
Oh, no, Rick, look!
Goldenfold landed the plane,
and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava!
Pretty concise, Marty,
Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable.
That's it, Marty!
Prolonging the inevitable!
Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done,
and now " sports time coming up.
- Oh, hello, there.
- Good day to you, miss.
BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people?
Yes, sweetie. That's where the live.
Well, how does that work?
I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside?
Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own? l'm freaking out!
Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
No, I can't deal with this!
Calm yourself, Morty.
I can't deal with this, Rick!
- Calm down, Morty.
- This can't be real!
- You gotta calm down, Marty,
- W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart!
Shut up and listen to me!
It's fine. Everything is fine.
There's an infinite number of realities, Marty,
and in a few dozen ofthose, Eggnog?
Now we are talking!
This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?
Hi, Joyce. Leonard.
Hello, there.
Merry Christmas, man.
Marty, a moment of your time?
He's in bad shape, Marty,
Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?
Gee, thanks, Morty.
W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am?
l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life.
I need your help. J, Let me out, set me free J,
J, I'm really old; this isn't me J,
J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J,
J, Is anybody listening' J,
J, Can anyone understand? J,
J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J,
J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J, No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.
Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump.
You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick.
Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch.
Thank you, Marty,
You are not like other carbon-based life-forms.
You put the value of all life above your own,
It's how things should be. Mortimer Smith, Jr.,
New York Times bestselling author,
your book is about innocence, the definition of it,
and, inevitably, its impossibility.
Is it autobiographical?
Certainly.
I mean, all writing is, in my opinion.
But my, uh -- C-can we please?
This is my grandson, Marty,
Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael.
I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa.
Here. Go away.
Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly.
So, this shoots antimatter?
My target can't be killed with regular matter.
Nice to meet you, Marty,
Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered,
please give me a call.
I'm very discreet.
You're g-giving him a card?! J, It feels good J,
Yeah, bitch, what's up?
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
Whoa!
J, Ohh, it feels good J, ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Yeah. Talk to me.
Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.
Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally --
we asked ourselves over here,
"Okay, what does a pancreas do?"
and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?"
No, it makes insulin, you know?
So, we're starting with a new --
Those guys are inside me, huh? J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Summer, we're trying to sleep. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs,
so you're gonna have to do me a real solid.
Uh-oh.
When we get to Customs,
I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, H-H-Hunter?
- Daddy.
- Hunter!
Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter.
Oh, my boy, My boy,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.
I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone.
W-W-W-Wh at?
Leave the car alone.
Hunter? Don't --
Oh, my god,
Stay here, Hunter! No! Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought --
Keep breathing!
- Oh, god, What's happening?
- Look at me!
Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!
ls -- is this what bleeding to death is?
Oh, whee. Is this how I die?
Oh, geez! Oh, my god!
Why would you do this? Beth.
It's not supposed to hurt.
undefined l-l thought... Oh shit! The other collar!
I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty.
It's gonna be good.
Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.
Jessica?
From my math class?
When I drop the bomb, I don't --
You know, I want you to have somebody,
you know -- I want you to have the thing --
I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve,
and you're gonna be Adam.
And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty,
No, you can't! it's all back to normal.
Just do it already.
Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush.
I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done.
lt's fixed. You know, we could --
we could just enjoy it for a little bit.
I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is,
I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this?
I mean, soak it in, you know?
lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting.
That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. J, Wait for you to get it on your own,
X gonna deliver to ya J,
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,
J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J,
J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,
J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,
J, Damn right, and I'll do it again,
'cause I am nice so I gots to win J,
J, Break bread with the enemy J, This holiday is about humanity.
You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something.
Whatever.
All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now.
Dad, I'm not giving you my phone.
Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.
A-ho, ho, ho, everybody.
More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa."
What is this?
My parents are coming!
Calm down, Jerry. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth?
Ow!
Oh, my god!
RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!
Wait, but I --
- Oh, Beth! Why?!
- I need an ambulance!
There's been a shooting. My wife shot...
Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought --
Keep breathing!
- Oh, god, What's happening?
- Look at me! Whoa. What's up, man?
l have no quarrel with you, boy,
"Boy"? What's that supposed to mean?
It's just -- l-look,
l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but...
Don't look at me, dude.
Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so --
So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?!
Well, no, but...
You know?
What do I know? Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.
In this reality, he's still alive.
Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters,"
which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.
But then, when they made the movie,
Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie.
Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter?
Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention.
To a conversation about vampires?!
Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires,
because I wasn't paying attention,
which you would know,
if you ever paid attention to me!
Oh, here we go, right to the victim role,
Am I a victim, Beth, Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said,
"go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"?
Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like,
"Whoa, this is unexpected.
This is not what I was expecting, Marty,
What a perplexing mystery this is."
All right, all right, we're inside the battery.
I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.
Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... W-we get our family and portal out of here!
Marty, good music comes from people who are relaxed.
Just hit a button, Marty! Give me a beat!
Oh, man. Okay. All right, um...
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, You gotta get schwifty J,
J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, Seriously?
Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty,
Here, here take these, Marty,
Take these.
Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?
Close.
It's gonna make your kidneys shut down.
What?!
lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,
Don't even trip, dawg. ALL: Go, son, go!
Go, son, go! Go, son, go!
Oh, real nice. Real nice.
How does a man do this without me noticing?
Oh, you know my dad once he puts his mind to something.
You're spinning this to his credit?
I'm going down there.
- Jerry --
- Beth, this is my house, Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?!
So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick?
Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid,
... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue.
Not that there was much to preserve.
Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha!
And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer.
Oh, my god, Toby Matthews is asking... Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun.
Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah.
Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position.
But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge,
and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is?
Seriously, Rick?
Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots?
Okay, yeah, fine.
But let's make it interesting, Marty,
l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals.
Oh, shit, motherfucker!
Kalaxian crystals, Marty,
just a few miles south of here.
Okay. Let's go, then.
W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you.
I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know? a hit song,
- A hit song?
- We can't possibly --
You mean like Vivaldi?
No, Frasier.
A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,
The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms.
All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez.
Change of plan, people,
Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman,
Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. Wow, it's the planet's core.
JERRY: I'm just saying,
we keep acting like there's only two options,
but there's not.
So, yes, if we went back to Earth,
as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us,
But, and this is purely hypothetical,
what if we turned your father in to the government?
Jerry, so help me god,
if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. at being my Dad, Dad.
Quit while you're ahead.
And also, knock next time, you know?
I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 --
I got a computer in here, you know?
Oh, I -- I think I understand.
You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man.
I get it. Say no more.
I mean, one ofthese days,
you know, you're gonna end up seeing something.
I got it! Noted. Good night. Well, do you think, maybe --
Could you give me some help with it, or...?
Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
You know what I'm saying?
lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything,
but if Marty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there,
it's, uh, you know, kind of your problem, too.
Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?
Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said,
"go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"?
Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like,
"Whoa, this is unexpected.
This is not what I was expecting, Marty,
What a perplexing mystery this is."
All right, all right, we're inside the battery. Hello, Rick here.
Don't fall for it, It's a bit.
Just kidding! Ha, ha!
You fast got Ricleyd.
You’ve reached Ricks voicemail,
You know what to do. f beep ]
Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Oh, my God.
W-what's wrong?
Your idiot dog!
Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.
D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.
J, It feels good J,
Yeah, bitch, what's up?
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
Whoa! T-t-that's absolutely crazy!
Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty.
It's gonna be good.
Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.
Jessica?
From my math class?
When I drop the bomb, I don't --
You know, I want you to have somebody,
you know -- I want you to have the thing --
I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve,
and you're gonna be Adam.
And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, All right, uh, let's go find my ship.
Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship.
It looks to me like the...
Marty?
Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh? Yeah.
All right.
J, Oh, yeah J,
Uh-huh.
Here we go.
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Say it with me J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Raised up posterior J,
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Sing it with me now! Yes, Marty,
J, Cosmos without hatred J,
J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J,
J, Quasars shine through endless night J,
J, And everything is one in the beauty J, Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap!
Get out! Get out!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get the fuck out of the flying machine!
Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay!
Back up, asshole.
Back up,
Ohh.
Back the fuck up!
Aah!
For what it's worth, I'm sorry,
but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick?
I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
You know what I mean?
You're missing the point, Marty,
Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels?
I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house?
No, Where's the Abductions Department?
Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order.
Don't put this on Acquisitions!
We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated!
Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see!
Oh, oh! It was no one's fault.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.
Oh, wait -- no. you're gonna lose most of your motor skills,
and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty,
Starting right about now,
Ohh, man.
Oh, geez! Ohh.
I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer.
In reality, you're as dumb as they come.
And I needed those seeds real bad, J, The worlds can be one together J,
J, Cosmos without hatred J,
J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J,
J, The ground can be space J,
J, Space, space, space, space J, Yeah! You know, I mean...
it's different from the stuff on Earth,
and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy,
and, you know, I don't really have anything to --
to remember all those trips by,
It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir.
You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something?
I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick?
I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
You know what I mean?
You're missing the point, Marty,
Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels?
I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? Guys, l'll choke up.
I'll follow through.
I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay?
Oh, we're well past that, Jerry.
Come on, Rick, quit sk-- stalling.
What do ya got?
Read 'em and weep, fellas!
ALL: Aw!
Oh, hey, Morty.
Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty --
That's true. That's right.
Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.
Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield,
Boy fuck you, John,
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak, Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.
Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield,
Boy fuck you, John,
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white, Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
You know what I'm saying?
lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything,
but if Marty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there,
it's, uh, you know, kind of your problem, too.
Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.
J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,
J, Wait for you to get it on your own,
X gonna deliver to ya J,
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,
J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J,
J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,
J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, Okay.
Well, I can't cure death.
This is bad, Marty,
You're trapped in a dead man.
Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,
do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.
It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas.
We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,
J, It's a flu-hating rap J,
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!
Oh, my god, Morty.
You look really nice tonight.
Wow, thanks.
I love you, Marty! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,
Arthrisha, what do you got?
Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good '
Oh, ho!
I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it!
"Feels Good."
It's a fucking hit song,
J, It feels good J,
Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho!
J, Oh, it feels good J, So, yes, if we went back to Earth,
as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us,
But, and this is purely hypothetical,
what if we turned your father in to the government?
Jerry, so help me god,
if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.
There already is no more bacon!
This world sucks! Our life sucks! All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick?
I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
You know what I mean?
You're missing the point, Marty,
Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J,
J, Stay out my way, mother J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, This is about flu awareness J,
J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,
J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.
There's something special about you, Marty --
so special.
Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship.
It looks to me like the...
Marty?
Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally.
Rick, you gotta stop --
Marty! Have you met Gearhead?
- Hey, how's --
- Marty here, he --
he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars.
How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly?
Uh... not at all.
Oh, boy, I envy you,
Okay, it was about 754 years ago-, Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know,
my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,
who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?
Hey, Tammy was cool!
And now we know why.
Because of you!
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
and fuck me for letting my guard down,
which Iwill never do again.
Geez, Rick! Well, we want to make it work, if we can,
It's just --
Then it's settled.
No need to pack.
Oh!
Let's go, go, go, go!
Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,
gonna get a divorce?
I think it's okay to dream, Marty,
I'm gonna go make some wooden stakes. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.
Jessica?
From my math class?
When I drop the bomb, I don't --
You know, I want you to have somebody,
you know -- I want you to have the thing --
I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve,
and you're gonna be Adam.
And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty,
No, you can't!
J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.
But -- but -- but forget about that, Um, before you go, could you sing a --
C-could you sing for me again?
Yes, Marty,
J, Cosmos without hatred J,
J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J,
J, Quasars shine through endless night J, Wh-whoa, whoa!
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
- What did who do?
- What do you mean?
Wait, what am I saying?
Were either
of you guys uncertain about anything just now?
Oh, man, I don't feel good.
- Am I me?
- Am I talking right now?
- I think so.
- Wait, who said that?
All right, both of you just don't move. Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,
we're gonna run around, Marty,
We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty,
Just you and me, Marty,
Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
It's just Rick and Marty --
Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,
Rick and Marty forever and forever.
100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Calling myself. Here, listen.
lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself.
Hello, Rick here.
Don't fall for it, It's a bit.
Just kidding! Ha, ha!
You fast got Ricleyd.
You’ve reached Ricks voicemail,
You know what to do. f beep ]
Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Listen to me, Marty,
I know that new situations can be intimidating.
You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but,
you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.
I'm no stranger to scary situations.
I deal with them all the time.
Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --
Holy crap, Marty, run! No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know,
is that you crapped your pants.
I mean, it's a mess out there.
I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.
Aw, man, geez!
Seriously?
Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!
Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?
Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him!
He is more man than you will ever be!
J, This is about flu awareness J,
J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,
J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, That's Earth therapy.
You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round.
I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified.
I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate.
Well, we want to make it work, if we can,
It's just --
Then it's settled.
No need to pack.
Oh!
Let's go, go, go, go!
Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know, Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.
There's something special about you, Marty --
so special.
Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!
Back off! I'm trying to be with my man!
That's enough, Bradley!
We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.
Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...
Never leave me, Marty, Never! All right, Marty, here we are.
Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?!
W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick?
l'm freaking out!
Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
No, I can't deal with this!
Calm yourself, Morty.
I can't deal with this, Rick! Mantises are the opposite of voles?
I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that.
You know what, though, Marty?
This right here's gonna do the trick, baby.
lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee,
cactus, shark, golden retriever,
and just a smidge of dinosaur.
Should add up to normal humanity.
I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick.
How does that add up to normal humanity? i can't see a thing.
And also, i can't feel anything, either.
Did i mention that?
But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes,
so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside.
i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease.
All my -- all my nerves,
they don 't allow for the sensation of touch,
so i never know what's going on.
Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know, because, you know, once I pull this lever,
it's all back to normal.
Just do it already.
Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush.
I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done.
lt's fixed. You know, we could --
we could just enjoy it for a little bit.
I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is,
I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this?
I mean, soak it in, you know?
lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home.
You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?
You miss your Fart friend, huh?
Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.
While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side,
and they're all coming to visit.
What?! Rick, no! You can't!
Too late, Marty, The hole's opening.
No, Rick! You don't understand. Yeah.
Science, huh? Ain't it a thing.
You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand.
You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know?
She's a real --
You got to hang on tight, you know?
Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.
Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! Huh.
J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Christmas drums J,
Oh, sing it, Summer.
J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J,
Oh, I love to hear you sing. Are you kidding me?! Come on!
Oh, my God.
W-what's wrong?
Your idiot dog!
Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.
D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear,
you can enter people's dreams, Marty,
It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about.
You talking about "Inception"?
That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense.
"Inception" made sense.
You don't have to try to impress me, Marty, Oh, this place is the best.
It's got beer, games, prizes,
and you can never tell what time it is.
You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?!
Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around,
you can make anything sound bad, Marty,
Here, check this out.
Aah!
Roy, what's wrong? "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"?
Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like,
"Whoa, this is unexpected.
This is not what I was expecting, Marty,
What a perplexing mystery this is."
All right, all right, we're inside the battery.
I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.
Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...
sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty,
But we can't get killed.
lfyou get killed in someone else's dream,
you die for real, Marty,
What?! Are you kidding me?!
Ohhhhhh!
Don't be a baby!
You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty,
Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!
Now bring me my slippers.
Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,
J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.
There's something special about you, Marty --
so special.
Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!
Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
That's the end, motherfucker!
"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!
Fuck you!
That's season one! Boom! Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps.
That was part of the simulation.
Oh,
Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then?
Yeah! Of course you should!
No, keep it.
Move it up, actually, if you can, J, The ground can be space J,
J, Space, space, space, space J,
J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J,
J, All the moon men want things theirway J, The Mega trees?
That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them.
And that's what I'm talking about, Marty,
That's where my seeds are.
lfwe would have done what you wanted,
I would have never have found them,
because y-- because you're so in love with school.
All right, all right.
So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways?
You ask a lot of questions, Marty,
Not very charismatic.
It makes you kind of an under-- Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps.
That was part of the simulation.
Oh,
Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then?
Yeah! Of course you should!
No, keep it.
Move it up, actually, if you can, J, Stay out my way, mother J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, Rick, take us home now.
All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!
Boo, boo! Marty sucks!
Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.
RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick?
l'm freaking out!
Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
No, I can't deal with this!
Calm yourself, Morty.
I can't deal with this, Rick!
- Calm down, Morty.
- This can't be real!
- You gotta calm down, Marty,
- W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart!
Shut up and listen to me!
It's fine. Everything is fine.
There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J, I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified.
I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate.
Well, we want to make it work, if we can,
It's just --
Then it's settled.
No need to pack.
Oh!
Let's go, go, go, go!
Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,
gonna get a divorce?
I think it's okay to dream, Marty, J, Can you take me now? J,
J, I want it real J,
J, Are you afraid of me now? J,
JV
J, Are you afraid of me now? J,
J, Do you feel it? J,
J, Do you feel it? J, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty,
Just you and me, Marty,
Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
It's just Rick and Marty --
Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,
Rick and Marty forever and forever.
100 years, Rick and Morty's things.
Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!
What the hell is going on, Rick?
What does it look like?
T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus.
It's gone airborne, Marty,
Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?
It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax.
lwhipped up an antidote.
It's based on praying-mantis DNA.
You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles.
I mean, they -- they mate once, I'm losing it here, Rick!
Relax, Marty, relax!
It's gonna be fine.
All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals.
Oh, shit, motherfucker!
Kalaxian crystals, Marty,
just a few miles south of here.
Okay. Let's go, then.
W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. This is for you, Daddy.
Oh, man!
Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr,
I've got to tell you something very important, okay?
Killing is bad -- bad!
You're silly, Daddy.
No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay?
You need to put your energy into something else.
I mean, what about dancing?
Would you like to learn how to dance? Oh, hey, it's you guys!
I haven't seen him this relaxed in years.
lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward,
As a matter of fact, Terry,
there is something you could help us with.
J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped.
Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped --
A bad song's a bad song,
Well, do you think, maybe --
Could you give me some help with it, or...?
Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. Thank you.
Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in,
because, you know, once I pull this lever,
it's all back to normal.
Just do it already.
Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush.
I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done.
lt's fixed. You know, we could -- Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally --
we asked ourselves over here,
"Okay, what does a pancreas do?"
and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?"
No, it makes insulin, you know?
So, we're starting with a new --
Those guys are inside me, huh?
Like, building a park?
Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! and spirit, sa ve me.
Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,
you gotta pump the gas a little.
Pedal to the metal, Marty, I think I was about to get married!
Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty,
What?!
Listen to me, Marty,
Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,
Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,
Ugh!
I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.
Marty, that's not class.
T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher.
This isn't your school.
This entire world is not the world,
We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.
Wait a minute. Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know,
is that you crapped your pants.
I mean, it's a mess out there.
I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. "
i 'm Pichaei Thompson.
Hey, wait a minute, Rick.
This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left.
Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.
i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this.
i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that,
Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!
Oh, my god! Siamese twins!
They're -- They're Siamese twins! Hey! Don't! Please!
Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god!
Now, I know I've said, in the past,
that math is important -- And it is! --
But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty,
who I hear had a great party last night. Oh, I get it,
Now that you know you could have had it better,
you resent me for holding you back.
Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning,
we know you thought there were unturned tables.
What are you talking about?
All this time, you've been thinking, "what ifthat loser,
Jerry, hadn't talked me out of the abortion?"
- Um...
- Well, now you know.
You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de-do. J, I feel it all in my soul J,
J, It feels good J,
Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.
Never expected that out of you.
All right, uh, let's go find my ship.
Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship.
It looks to me like the... - I don't understand.
- Yeah, me, neither.
We pretty much nailed it the first time.
J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J,
J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,
J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J,
J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J, Because you want grandpa all to yourself!
All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.
You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe,
and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite.
I can fix this. Marty, sit here.
Summer, you sit here. Now, listen.
I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways,
but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned,
you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. Oh, great work, Morty.
Okay, I'll just cure it and then--
Okay.
Well, I can't cure death.
This is bad, Marty,
You're trapped in a dead man.
Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,
do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. Hi, Joyce. Leonard.
Hello, there.
Merry Christmas, man.
Marty, a moment of your time?
He's in bad shape, Marty,
Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?
Gee, thanks, Morty.
W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am?
l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life.
I need your help.
I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom.
He'll know what's going on.
Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home.
You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?
You miss your Fart friend, huh?
Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.
While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side,
and they're all coming to visit.
What?! Rick, no! You can't!
Too late, Marty, The hole's opening.
No, Rick! You don't understand. Yeah.
All right.
J, Oh, yeah J,
Uh-huh.
Here we go.
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Say it with me J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Raised up posterior J,
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Okay.
Well, I can't cure death.
This is bad, Marty,
You're trapped in a dead man.
Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,
do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.
It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas.
We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart.
I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -"
No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.
Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump.
You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick.
Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch.
Thank you, Marty, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, You gotta accept your part ofthe blame!
I'm not the one who fouled up the serum!
I'm not the one who -- who -- who --
who haphazardly, you know,
mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!
You gotta fix this, Rick!
All right, all right, Marty,
You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here,
but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, - Get out.
- Um, what?
No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door,
you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you,
and you take a giant shit on it.
Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon --
Well, you can't. I want you out of here.
You're a petty person, and you're insecure,
and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. Aw, man, geez!
Seriously?
Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty,
Here, here take these, Marty,
Take these.
Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?
Close.
It's gonna make your kidneys shut down.
What?!
lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,
Don't even trip, dawg. MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.
Don't judge, Marty,
Okay.
All right, well...
Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there.
I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up,
Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea.
Listen to me. "Uh, Tammy, you're a high-School senior from the planet Earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!"
Yeah, Tammy!
But then I think, you know, in a lot ofways,
l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth.
In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J,
J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J,
J, Is anybody listening' J,
J, Can anyone understand? J,
J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J,
J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J,
Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! Just kidding! Ha, ha!
You fast got Ricleyd.
You’ve reached Ricks voicemail,
You know what to do. f beep ]
Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Huh.
l-is -- is something wrong, Beth?
Ow!
Oh, my god!
RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!
Wait, but I --
- Oh, Beth! Why?!
- I need an ambulance!
There's been a shooting. My wife shot...
Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought -- Hmm, uh, what are you doing?
I'm playing African dream pop,
What do you do after a long night?
Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going.
Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.
- Beth...
- What is it, Davin?
Just once, I'd like to know -- It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.
Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just,
you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out,
and, you know, doing a little bonding and --
Screw that. This is my chance...
to gain some footing with the cool kids.
That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17.
Why do you party?
To get ...
wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Yeah, uh, my name is Ron Benson.
I'm an electrical engineer, father of two,
and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings,
I'm a member of this planet's top race!
Okay, that's good.
Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but --
I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. Hey, lemme ask you something.
Yes?
Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new?
All of them. That's their job.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise.
Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box?
How do you know about that? It's top secret.
ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough.
Crank it, Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped.
Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped --
A bad song's a bad song,
Well, do you think, maybe --
Could you give me some help with it, or...?
Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.
In this reality, he's still alive.
Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters,"
which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.
But then, when they made the movie,
Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp--
- or Garfield, I mean.
- That's pretty cool, Rick.
So all that happened in this reality, too? Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch! What do you say we go home?
I'd like that.
Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126?
Uh, I'm not sure. Marty,
Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket.
- What?!
- Way to go, Marty,
Eh, whatever.
- Uh, w-wait. What?
- Uh, w-wait. What?
Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry. but that takes the cake.
i don't give a fuck.
l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.
Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.
In this reality, he's still alive.
Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," Play something. S-Somebody, play something.
Wait a minute. What?
J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J,
J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.
Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.
Stop right there!
If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F."
RICK: He doesn't care.
Aw, man!
Rick, I have to go back!
I think I was about to get married!
Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty,
What?!
Listen to me, Marty,
Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,
Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, There's ways to get back home, Marty,
It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle.
We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs,
so you're gonna have to do me a real solid.
Uh-oh.
When we get to Customs,
I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick. Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter.
Oh, my boy, My boy,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.
I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone.
W-W-W-Wh at?
Leave the car alone.
Hunter? Don't --
Oh, my god,
Stay here, Hunter! No!
God, no! Hunter! What?! No! What is your problem?!
Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch,
don't watch, but, you know, it's my car.
Also, if you tell your mom about this,
- l'll purge you.
- You're the worst.
This planet is the worst. How can you be into this?
You know, people are gonna kill each other.
So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated,
- You don't click on it?
- No! Oh, Morty, you idiot!
Does anybody else have any more K-Lax?
B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy?
Don't squaunch at me.
All right, everybody, party is officially over!
Rick, take us home now.
All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!
Boo, boo! Marty sucks!
Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J,
J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J, Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.
Heads up, Rapists.
Well, don't just stand there, Marty,
- Purge 'em.
- Me?
No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them?
Pick up a stick or something and kill them.
Um, w-we come in peace.
Oh, my god,
There's more where that came from!
You want to get purged, you bring it! All the important points seem pretty clear, no?
They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.
Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.
How could you be so dishonest with this family?
Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know,
my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,
who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?
Hey, Tammy was cool! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!
My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these?
They're soaked with my stomach acid,
Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,
and spirit, sa ve me.
Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff, HEADS: Hooray!
Yeah.
All right.
J, Oh, yeah J,
Uh-huh.
Here we go.
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Say it with me J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Raised up posterior J,
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Head bent over J, It looks to me like the...
Marty?
Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this?
Okay, buddy. This is bad, Marty,
You're trapped in a dead man.
Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,
do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.
It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas.
We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,
I mean, the pirates are really rapey.
The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off --
Our school is vampire-free!
Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu?
You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya.
You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves.
We killed a vampire anda gym teacher.
Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?!
So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? did people get into it right away,
or were they like, "Wait, what?
This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?"
Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it.
Yeah, I bet. I bet.
Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?
At first, everyone was like,
"look at those douchebags purging."
And then the next thing you know,
they're like, "it's just so convenient." J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! It's a fucking hit song,
J, It feels good J,
Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho!
J, Oh, it feels good J,
Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick.
You're a pretty great guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver.
I'll see you around.
Oh, man. What -- What happened?
Don't worry about it, Marty,
Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
The rest is annoying garbage.
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?
Do it! Do it, motherfucker! I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside?
Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own?
I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are.
Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off,
how would they find their butt person again?
I don't know, Summer. I can't even hear the TV,
All right, that's it,
We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day. All right, everybody, party is officially over!
Rick, take us home now.
All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!
Boo, boo! Marty sucks!
Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.
RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,
But these gears just started turnin'. Hey, you know what, Marty?
Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it?
What?! No! What is your problem?!
Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch,
don't watch, but, you know, it's my car.
Also, if you tell your mom about this,
- l'll purge you.
- You're the worst.
This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff.
I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.
You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend.
Uh, y-you will?
Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.
Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character,
But we never get to --
Hi, everybody.
l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends.
See, everyone? Tinkles is real.
That means so am l,
- Sorry, Summer.
- Man, I'm sorry, Summer.
l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.
Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, I feel it all in my soul J,
J, It feels good J,
Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.
Never expected that out of you.
All right, uh, let's go find my ship. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail,
You know what to do. f beep ]
Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Hey, Rick, " --
You get the idea. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music.
J, I'm a tax attorney J,
J, Oh, geez, oh J,
J, Forget about everybody else J,
J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,
J, Forget about Muhammad J,
J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J, J, Lay it, lay it down J,
J, Let me see your hand J,
J, Show me what you got J,
J, You're always talking J,
J, But you're not playing J,
J, It doesn't match your face J,
J, Get them away, away from this place J, Aah!
What up, my Helsings?
Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha!
Rick? How -- How did you --
Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered,
this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought,
"Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?
Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, two guys with handlebar mustaches,
a man painted silver who makes robot noises,
Gar Ma Nar Nar,
three, um, um, um...
i ll get back to that one,
a hole in the wall where the men can see it all,
and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue.
Really?
You're looking real good.
Oh, my god.
- Hey, Marty,
- Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica.
So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...? I mean, I've never felt so good in my life.
Thank you.
Don't worry about it, Marty,
Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?
Sure thing, Rick.
Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.
The stuff was all over the place, Marty, She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.
Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.
Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!
She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? which makes this my garage, my secret hatch,
my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler.
Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?
Okay, you're just making stuff up now,
Ugh. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god,
Ugh!
Oh, Rick. That was so bad. She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick?
I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
You know what I mean?
You're missing the point, Marty, Hey, no! No, wait! Stop!
Called it,
ALL: Hello, Rick.
Long time no see.
U nity?
Rick?
Grandpa?
Oh, boy, Uh...
these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty,
Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity.
We sort of used to, uh. ..date. Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue.
Really?
You're looking real good.
Oh, my god.
- Hey, Marty,
- Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica.
So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...?
No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school.
Cool. Don't worry about it, Marty,
Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?
Sure thing, Rick.
Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.
The stuff was all over the place, Marty,
Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.
There's just one problem, Marty --
one little hang-up.
The dimension I visited was so advanced, Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Hey, Rick, " --
You get the idea.
W-we're cool now.
Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate.
Fine. I'll just do it myself.
If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you?
Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty,
That's the difference between you and me. Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
Mantises are the opposite of voles?
I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that.
You know what, though, Marty?
This right here's gonna do the trick, baby.
lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee,
cactus, shark, golden retriever,
and just a smidge of dinosaur.
Should add up to normal humanity.
I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. J, Summer and Tinkles J,
J, Friends with each other J,
J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J,
J, No kitchen sinkles J,
J, No little brother J,
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!
Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,
Arthrisha, what do you got?
Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good '
Oh, ho!
I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it!
"Feels Good."
It's a fucking hit song,
J, It feels good J, Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J,
J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J,
J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J,
J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J,
J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,
J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know,
is that you crapped your pants.
I mean, it's a mess out there.
I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.
Aw, man, geez! Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,
you gotta pump the gas a little.
Pedal to the metal, Marty,
in a world where muscular Mannies are coming, This is my grandson, Marty,
Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael.
I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa.
Here. Go away.
Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly.
So, this shoots antimatter?
My target can't be killed with regular matter.
Nice to meet you, Marty,
Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered,
please give me a call.
I'm very discreet.
You're g-giving him a card?!
l have no code of ethics. you know, you’re pretty mean to me,
but that takes the cake.
i don't give a fuck.
l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.
Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.
In this reality, he's still alive.
Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend.
Uh, y-you will?
Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.
Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.
Stop right there!
If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F."
RICK: He doesn't care.
Aw, man!
Rick, I have to go back!
I think I was about to get married!
Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty,
What?! you better hurry up, Now's your last chance.
Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could --
Uh, l have a boyfriend.
Okay.
I'm not trying to be rude.
I just -- I don't want to lead you on.
l-l-l understand.
I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.
I took it okay the first time, Come on, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that.
Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you,
but what people call "love"
is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed.
lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades,
leaving you stranded in a failing marriage.
I did it, Your parents are gonna do it,
Break the cycle, Marty,
Rise above. Focus on science. So, uh, you know, when the purge started,
did people get into it right away,
or were they like, "Wait, what?
This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?"
Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it.
Yeah, I bet. I bet.
Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?
At first, everyone was like,
"look at those douchebags purging." then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know,
is that you crapped your pants.
I mean, it's a mess out there. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.
Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield,
Boy fuck you, John,
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Christmas drums J,
Oh, sing it, Summer.
J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J,
Oh, I love to hear you sing.
Jerry, come on.
This is what you wanted.
I get it, Beth.
Be careful what you wish for.
I'm being punished for taking your iPad.
What? They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones.
Hurry! Hurry! Come with me!
We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games!
Nintendo, give me free stuff.
Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that,
but also, I would never do that.
Don't overreact, Rick.
Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry.
Rick, keep a level head, okay? J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,
J, It's a flu-hating rap J,
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!
Oh, my god, Morty.
You look really nice tonight.
Wow, thanks.
I love you, Marty!
I love you so much it burns! J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J,
J, Stay out my way, mother J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things,
Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,
we're gonna run around, Marty,
We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty,
Just you and me, Marty,
Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
It's just Rick and Marty --
Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,
Rick and Marty forever and forever. What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?
The answer is don't think about it,
It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.
We get three or four more ofthese, tops,
Now, pick up your dead self and come on.
Haste makes waste.
l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail,
but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did,
we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome. Rick? How -- How did you --
Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered,
this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought,
"Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?
Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself,
and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks.
What's the BFD?" So here I am.
I'm Tiny Rick!
O-O-Okay. How could you be so dishonest with this family?
Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know,
my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,
who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?
Hey, Tammy was cool!
And now we know why.
Because of you!
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
and fuck me for letting my guard down, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J,
J, The ground can be space J,
J, Space, space, space, space J,
J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole,
Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor,
Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.
Uh, dad, that's like 10 people.
6, 10, what's the difference?
I just love the number 6 for no reason!
Where's my pencil at?
Here, Rick! Use me!
Oh, thanks, Pencilvester!
Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, You know what to do. f beep ]
Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Hey, Rick, " --
You get the idea.
W-we're cool now. Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole,
Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor,
Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.
Uh, dad, that's like 10 people.
6, 10, what's the difference?
I just love the number 6 for no reason!
Where's my pencil at?
Here, Rick! Use me! Well, this won't do.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- A sequel.
- I don't understand.
- Yeah, me, neither.
We pretty much nailed it the first time.
J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J,
J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,
J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J,
J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J, Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Oh, geez, Rick.
W-w-whoa, this isn't good.
Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!
Ohhhh!
Holy crap, Marty,
He can travel through dreams.
He can travel through dreams!
We're so screwed! Wait a minute. What?
J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J,
J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,
because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know?
I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did,
you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around.
Don't you worry about that sort of thing,
Cronenberg Morty.
Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Christmas drums J,
Oh, sing it, Summer.
J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J,
Oh, I love to hear you sing. undefined Marty, you idiot.
Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!
We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous.
He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty,
Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car.
Right, uh --
Fart.
No! Just -- j-just get in the car!
Marty, come on.
I want to go back to Blips and Chitz.
I don't want to deal with this.
Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry.
Have fun.
Come on, Morty.
That was fantastic, Rick!
Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.
W-w-w-what is it?
It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear,
you can enter people's dreams, Marty,
It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about.
You talking about "Inception"? JERRY: I'm just saying,
we keep acting like there's only two options,
but there's not.
So, yes, if we went back to Earth,
as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us,
But, and this is purely hypothetical,
what if we turned your father in to the government?
Jerry, so help me god,
if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.
There already is no more bacon! In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.
So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial,
overly sensitive, clingy,
hysterical, bird-brained homunculi.
And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age,
I go by amount of pain in my ass,
which makes you both identical.
All right, everything resolved? So, uh, you know, when the purge started,
did people get into it right away,
or were they like, "Wait, what?
This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?"
Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it.
Yeah, I bet. I bet.
Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?
At first, everyone was like,
"look at those douchebags purging."
And then the next thing you know, Does anybody else have any more K-Lax?
B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy?
Don't squaunch at me.
All right, everybody, party is officially over!
Rick, take us home now.
All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!
Boo, boo! Marty sucks!
Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.
RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, Don't worry about it, Marty,
Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?
Sure thing, Rick.
Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.
The stuff was all over the place, Marty,
Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.
There's just one problem, Marty --
one little hang-up. Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh.
Hey, Beth. Hello?
Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?
Thanks.
Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know,
I might watch a movie.
I am not programmed for friendship. Oh, Morty, take a deep breath.
Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty,
Y-you smell that?
That's the smell of adventure, Marty,
That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline.
All right, Rick, look --
how much longer is this gonna be?
Shouldn't I be back at school by now?
Are you joking me?
I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us,
Look at that thing right there. Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.
Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!
Can't afford to chance it.
Dad, why does our house have blast shields?
Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has.
Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Rick? How -- How did you --
Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered,
this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought,
"Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?
Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself,
and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks.
What's the BFD?" So here I am.
I'm Tiny Rick!
O-O-Okay.
Well, it's good you're here, Rick. Hey, listen, I've grown, too.
l have!
See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right?
Hm. Why's that, I wonder?
Maybe it's part of getting old.
Maybe I just missed being with a collective.
ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Yes. Yes.
Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it, J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J,
Holy crap, Marty, you're right.
ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?
Well, yeah, duh-doy.
T-took you long enough.
RICK: Now let's go, Marty,
We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. All right.
J, Oh, yeah J,
Uh-huh.
Here we go.
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Say it with me J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Raised up posterior J,
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Sing it with me now! J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Summer, we're trying to sleep.
It was Tinkles! J, Let me out J,
J, What you see is not the same person as me J,
J, My life's a lie J,
J, I'm not who you're looking at J,
J, Let me out, set me free J,
J, I'm really old; this isn't me J,
J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J, Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped.
Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped --
A bad song's a bad song,
Well, do you think, maybe --
Could you give me some help with it, or...?
Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
You know what I'm saying?
lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything, J, It's a road of wonder J,
J, A trail of food J,
J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J,
J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J,
J, It's a small, small intestine J,
It goes on like this for miles. I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty,
Be better than me.
Oh shit! The other collar!
I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers. No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay?
We're bored. Take us back to Rick.
Now's not a good time.
Oh, yeah!
I want yooooooou!
ALL: Go, son, go!
Go, son, go! Go, son, go!
Oh, real nice. Real nice. That was fantastic, Rick!
Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.
W-w-w-what is it?
It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear,
you can enter people's dreams, Marty,
It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about.
You talking about "Inception"?
That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. J, No little brother J,
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Summer, we're trying to sleep.
It was Tinkles! But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?
I'm starting to come down, Marty,
Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.
That's what I think of your crystals, Rick!
Oh, Morty, you idiot!
Does anybody else have any more K-Lax?
B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy?
Don't squaunch at me. Marty,
And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty,
because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important,
and they'll tear us apart, Marty,
But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things,
Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,
we're gonna run around, Marty,
We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty,
Just you and me, Marty,
Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty, J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
Whoa!
J, Ohh, it feels good J,
Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney,
P It feels good, yeah '
Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.
In this reality, he's still alive.
Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters,"
which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.
But then, when they made the movie, Yes, sweetie. That's where the live.
Well, how does that work?
I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside?
Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own?
I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are.
Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off,
how would they find their butt person again?
I don't know, Summer. I can't even hear the TV,
All right, that's it, did people get into it right away,
or were they like, "Wait, what?
This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?"
Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it.
Yeah, I bet. I bet.
Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?
At first, everyone was like,
"look at those douchebags purging."
And then the next thing you know,
they're like, "it's just so convenient." I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -"
No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.
Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump.
You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick.
Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch.
Thank you, Marty,
You are not like other carbon-based life-forms.
You put the value of all life above your own, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich.
There you are, Marty,
Listen to me.
I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension.
I need an extra pair of hands.
Oh, geez, Rick.
W-what'd you do to Frank?
It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him.
Now listen -- I need your help, Marty,
I mean, we got -- we got to get -- J, It's a flu-hating rap J,
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!
Oh, my god, Morty.
You look really nice tonight.
Wow, thanks.
I love you, Marty!
I love you so much it burns!
Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Wow, you sure found this guy quick,
Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective.
Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal,
Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running,
l’m running real quick,
Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast.
[ trifling f All right, l’m not gonna get him. Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said,
"go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"?
Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like,
"Whoa, this is unexpected.
This is not what I was expecting, Marty,
What a perplexing mystery this is."
All right, all right, we're inside the battery.
I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.
Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...
sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Yes! Oh, yes!
All right, you know what I'm talking about.
- Oh, that was a close call.
- Oh, yeah!
I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty,
- Oh, yeah, do it.
- Check me out.
I'm doing the Cabbage Patch.
- Do it right.
- I'm doing it, too.
- Do the cabbage patch.
- It's a classic dance.
- Do it, Do the dance.
- Oh shit look at that. J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J,
J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
J, It's the, it's the J, I am a tax attorney.
Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music.
J, I'm a tax attorney J,
J, Oh, geez, oh J,
J, Forget about everybody else J,
J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,
J, Forget about Muhammad J,
J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J, ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Yeah. Talk to me.
Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.
Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally --
we asked ourselves over here,
"Okay, what does a pancreas do?"
and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?"
No, it makes insulin, you know?
So, we're starting with a new -- - Shut up!
- You shut up!
Wh-whoa, whoa!
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
- What did who do?
- What do you mean?
Wait, what am I saying?
Were either
of you guys uncertain about anything just now?
Oh, man, I don't feel good.
- Am I me?
- Am I talking right now?
- I think so.
- Wait, who said that?
All right, both of you just don't move. J, These memories that we cherish J,
J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,
J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J,
Holy crap, Marty, you're right. Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff.
I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.
You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend.
Uh, y-you will?
Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.
Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.
Stop right there! J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, What?
Hey, little buddy.
H-h-how you doing in here right now?
Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?
Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty,
Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty,
Oh, boy,
You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.
You're my little friend, aren't you?
We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped.
Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped --
A bad song's a bad song,
Well, do you think, maybe --
Could you give me some help with it, or...?
Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
You know what I'm saying? Ugh. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god,
Ugh!
Oh, Rick. That was so bad.
What's this "was" stuff?
I just need to hydrate,
Then we're doing that again.
Oh, damn.
Listen, ifthis is an invasion,
I got to sit this one out,
but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors.
It's a neighboring hive-mind species, You gotta fix this, Rick!
All right, all right, Marty,
You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here,
but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal,
relatively speaking.
Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Hey, Rick, " --
You get the idea. You're missing the point, Marty,
Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels?
I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house?
No,
So, why are they doing this?
W-what do they want?
Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty,
if you'd been paying attention.
We got the President of the United States in here!
We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! J, Do you feel it? J,
J, Do you feel it? J,
J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J,
J, I want it real J,
J, Run away with me now J,
J, I want it real J, What is this place?
lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty,
called a Mega tree,
and there's fruit in those trees,
and there's seeds in those fruits.
I'm talking about Mega seeds.
They're -- they're incredibly powerful,
and I need them to help me with my research, Marty,
Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, Suck my huge dick!
- Geez.
- P It feels good '
You want to get in on this, Rick?
No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill.
lt's gratuitous at this point.
You sure you don't want to join in?
This is really amazing.
J, It feels good J,
Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.
J, It feels good J,
Yeah, bitch, what's up? Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?
L-I-Iet me turn it up,
tn the news today,
this tooks a tot worse than it is.
We ’re reallyjust having a good time.
Karen F Thanks, Todd,
Up next, are you a concerned grandchild or fast a buzzkill?
We W te// you how you can know for sure.
I think you two are a little outnumbered.
Okay, well, what if you did it for me? "Inception" made sense.
You don't have to try to impress me, Marty,
Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher,
Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty,
That way you can, you know --
y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time.
Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing,
couldn't you have just,
you know, helped me with my homework? I'm really sorry.
Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.
There's something special about you, Marty --
so special.
Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!
Back off! I'm trying to be with my man!
That's enough, Bradley!
We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.
Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...
Never leave me, Marty, Never! J, Ohh, it feels good J,
Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney,
P It feels good, yeah '
Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!
Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,
Arthrisha, what do you got?
Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good '
Oh, ho!
I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty?
Any idea what that is down there?
The Mega trees?
That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them.
And that's what I'm talking about, Marty,
That's where my seeds are.
lfwe would have done what you wanted,
I would have never have found them,
because y-- because you're so in love with school.
All right, all right.
So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways?
You ask a lot of questions, Marty, I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies,
but I spent so much time there,
my interdimensional portal device --
it's got no charge left, Marty,
It's got no charge left.
What?!
It's as good as garbage, Marty,
It's not gonna work anymore, Marty,
Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good.
W-what are we gonna do?
l-l have to be back at school right now.
How are we gonna get back home? I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer.
In reality, you're as dumb as they come.
And I needed those seeds real bad,
and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back,
so now we're gonna have to go get more.
And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that,
Marty,
And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty,
because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important,
and they'll tear us apart, Marty, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
The rest is annoying garbage.
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?
Do it! Do it, motherfucker!
Pull the fucking trigger! Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,
but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,
because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know?
I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did,
you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around.
Don't you worry about that sort of thing,
Cronenberg Morty. J, His name is Scary Terry J,
J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J, I love my grandkids.
BOTH: Aww,
Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is,
"I don't give a fuck!"
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,
you gotta pump the gas a little.
Pedal to the metal, Marty, Whoa, man!
What the hell was that?!
I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,
But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?
I'm starting to come down, Marty,
Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. Okay.
I'm not trying to be rude.
I just -- I don't want to lead you on.
l-l-l understand.
I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.
I took it okay the first time,
and now you're just repeating stuff.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. So, what do you do during the festival?
You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff?
Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.
Oh, I bet you do, old timer.
Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting.
W-We got to get out of here.
All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid?
It's on the house. Oh, and, uh,
why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well? Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.
D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?
I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. So, let's say 60 smidgens.
I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor.
I'll throw in a fart.
Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place,
like a souvenir, like, just to have --
like, something cool, you know?
Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else.
Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop.
MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um -- J, You could have it all J,
- He's not coming back, is he?
- MORTY: No.
J, My empire of dirt J,
Hey, look, cops,
J, I will let you down J,
Good morning. You know, if somebody drops the soap,
it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty,
You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that.
We're gonna be okay, Rick.
How?
They took my portal gun.
This is an open-and-shut case, Marty,
You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen,
some magical angel's gonna show up and then --
Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!
I smell the violation of civil liberties! Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me!
She tried to purge me, Marty,
You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead.
Rick, she took the car!
You fucking kidding me, Marty?!
She took my car and the gun,
We're like the rest of these assholes now.
W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty,
Help me up,
Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.
Why don't we just use your portal gun?
It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, for crying out --
he's got some kind of disability or something.
Is that what you want us to say?
I do?
Well, duh day, son.
Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world,
you got to work twice as hard.
Aw, geez, Dad.
Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him!
He is more man than you will ever be!
J, This is about flu awareness J,
J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,
J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. Yes, she does. I saw it in your laundry room,
Listen, you can't both be in denial about it,
Okay, bye.
Summer!
You can't throw a party! Rememberwhat mom said?
Yeah, if anything gets messed up,
you and Grandpa Rick get punished.
I'm only a human being, Marty,
Rick, tell Summer she can't have a party!
Uh, Summer, you can't have a party.
Because Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha!
Rick? How -- How did you --
Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered,
this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought,
"Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?
Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself,
and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks.
What's the BFD?" So here I am.
I'm Tiny Rick!
O-O-Okay. Where am I?!
You're at a wedding.
Go change.
J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J,
J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J,
J, Fat beats and an alien smile J,
J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J,
J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J, I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.
I took it okay the first time,
and now you're just repeating stuff.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.
Yeah, you're still doing it. J, Oh, yeah J,
J, You gotta get schwifty J,
J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,
J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?
lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.
J, Take off your pants and your panties J, Well, well, well.
Uh, morning, Frank.
"Morning"?
What was -- what is that supposed to mean?
You making fun of me?
Are you trying to say my family's poor?
Oh, geez, Frank.
I don't know if a knife is necessary.
I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.
You telling me how to bully now?
Big mistake, Marty, Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.
The stuff was all over the place, Marty,
Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.
There's just one problem, Marty --
one little hang-up.
The dimension I visited was so advanced,
they had also halted the aging process,
and everyone there was young, Marty, they had also halted the aging process,
and everyone there was young, Marty,
and they had been forever.
l was the only old person there, Marty,
It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity,
walking around.
H was fascinating to them.
There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they --
they -- they -- they all wanted time with me.
I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies,
but I spent so much time there, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Now let's just see what we got here for a second.
Goddamn it,
Were you trying to use this to --
Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this?
How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it,
you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?
Oh, way to go, Rick.
Yeah, Grandpa, way to go.
What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? It's gone airborne, Marty,
Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?
It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax.
lwhipped up an antidote.
It's based on praying-mantis DNA.
You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles.
I mean, they -- they mate once,
and then they, you know, decapitate the partner.
I mean, it's a whole ritual.
It's really gruesome and totally opposite.
There's no love at all. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.
Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.
In this reality, he's still alive.
Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," Oh, man. Okay. All right, um...
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, You gotta get schwifty J,
J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,
J, It's time to get schwifty J, Oh shit! The other collar!
I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch! You could tell our parents started with naming with him.
it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, ..
before they even got pregnant, i bet,
I don't want to be that girl,
but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.
Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.
And then they found out i was attached,
along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit,
Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in,
because, you know, once I pull this lever,
it's all back to normal.
Just do it already.
Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush.
I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done.
lt's fixed. You know, we could --
we could just enjoy it for a little bit. The little girl!
Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Oh, geez, Rick.
W-w-whoa, this isn't good.
Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!
Ohhhh!
Holy crap, Marty,
He can travel through dreams. Uh, y-you will?
Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.
Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.
Stop right there!
If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F."
RICK: He doesn't care.
Aw, man!
Rick, I have to go back!
I think I was about to get married!
Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty,
What?!
Listen to me, Marty,
Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Whatever.
Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick?
We did it!
All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working.
You ready to head home?
Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick?
Well, you know what?
We're not bailing out just yet.
You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or --
or something and --
and we're gonna bring it to those villagers.
Marty, cut your losses. An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!
Oh, this place is the best.
It's got beer, games, prizes,
and you can never tell what time it is.
You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?!
Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around,
you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Davin. Davin.
Da vini Davin.
Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J,
J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J,
J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J,
J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,
you gotta pump the gas a little.
Pedal to the metal, Marty,
in a world where muscular Mannies are coming,
and they're coming strong, Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --
you know, you’re pretty mean to me,
but that takes the cake.
i don't give a fuck.
l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.
Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.
In this reality, he's still alive. J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Oh, geez, Rick.
W-w-whoa, this isn't good.
Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!
Ohhhh!
Holy crap, Marty,
He can travel through dreams.
He can travel through dreams!
We're so screwed! J, It's a road of wonder J,
J, A trail of food J,
J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J,
J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J,
J, It's a small, small intestine J, God, I feel terrible.
Yep, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the Universe can be.
One minute you're falling off a roof for six months,
the next minute, bam!
Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under --
Uh, what? It was your job, Marty,
- Nuh-uh!
- Yuh-huh!
Actually, sorry, Summer.
I got to back the "M" bomb on this one. All right, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance.
Yeah, I'm just going to... check on your mom.
Marty, hand me that screwdriver, huh?
I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Marty,
It's gonna be great.
Hey, listen, Rick.
Y-Y-You know how you said that, you know,
love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier? Wow, you sure found this guy quick,
Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective.
Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal,
Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running,
l’m running real quick, No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.
In this reality, he's still alive.
Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters,"
which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.
But then, when they made the movie,
Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp--
- or Garfield, I mean.
- That's pretty cool, Rick.
So all that happened in this reality, too? mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!
You gotta fix this, Rick!
All right, all right, Marty,
You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here,
but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal,
relatively speaking.
Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting. All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick?
I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
You know what I mean? I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,
Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. Hey, Tammy was cool!
And now we know why.
Because of you!
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
and fuck me for letting my guard down,
which Iwill never do again.
Geez, Rick!
You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.
ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
Actually, the wedding was beautiful. Just you and me, Marty,
Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
It's just Rick and Marty --
Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,
Rick and Marty forever and forever.
100 years, Rick and Morty's things.
Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time.
All day long, forever. J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,
Did you get any of that? I don't want to be that girl,
but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.
Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.
And then they found out i was attached,
along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit,
Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "
Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,
Good afternoon. J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,
J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J,
Holy crap, Marty, you're right.
ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?
Well, yeah, duh-doy. I don't know.
Look, maybe the shrink was right.
Good luck.
All right, now, you listen to me.
Oh! Or don't.
Hey! Don't! Please!
Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god!
Now, I know I've said, in the past, MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.
Don't judge, Marty,
Okay.
All right, well...
Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there.
I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up,
Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea.
Listen to me.
lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.
There's something special about you, Marty --
so special.
Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!
Back off! I'm trying to be with my man!
That's enough, Bradley!
We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Hey, Marty,
What?
Hey, little buddy.
H-h-how you doing in here right now?
Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?
Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty,
Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty,
Oh, boy,
You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
The rest is annoying garbage.
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?
Do it! Do it, motherfucker!
Pull the fucking trigger! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
- What did who do?
- What do you mean?
Wait, what am I saying?
Were either
of you guys uncertain about anything just now?
Oh, man, I don't feel good.
- Am I me?
- Am I talking right now?
- I think so.
- Wait, who said that? Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?
Hey, Marty,
What?
Hey, little buddy.
H-h-how you doing in here right now?
Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?
Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty,
Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty,
Oh, boy, Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought --
Keep breathing!
- Oh, god, What's happening?
- Look at me!
Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!
ls -- is this what bleeding to death is?
Oh, whee. Is this how I die?
Oh, geez! Oh, my god!
Why would you do this? Beth.
It's not supposed to hurt.
undefined l-l thought... Fun facts about this one --
It's got giant, telepathic spiders,
119/11s,
and the best ice cream in the multiverse!
Shut up!
Whoa!
We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!
Oh, great.
Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick?
Is it the quantum carburetor or something?
"Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126?
Uh, I'm not sure. Marty,
Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket.
- What?!
- Way to go, Marty,
Eh, whatever.
- Uh, w-wait. What?
- Uh, w-wait. What?
Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry. RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.
So, let's say 60 smidgens.
I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor.
I'll throw in a fart.
Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place,
like a souvenir, like, just to have --
like, something cool, you know?
Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else.
Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. J, Lay it, lay it down J,
J, Let me see your hand J,
J, Show me what you got J,
J, You're always talking J,
J, But you're not playing J, J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Oh, geez, Rick.
W-w-whoa, this isn't good.
Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!
Ohhhh!
Holy crap, Marty,
He can travel through dreams.
He can travel through dreams!
We're so screwed! Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.
i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this.
i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that,
Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!
Oh, my god! Siamese twins!
They're -- They're Siamese twins!
You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news.
Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?
Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen?
He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name.
Hey, flip back to the news. I say, let's do it!
HEADS: Hooray!
Yeah.
All right.
J, Oh, yeah J,
Uh-huh.
Here we go.
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Say it with me J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Raised up posterior J,
J, Oh, yeah J, Aw, crap.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, Rick!
Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos.
Do you have the weapon?
C-can we please?
This is my grandson, Marty,
Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael.
I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa.
Here. Go away.
Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly.
So, this shoots antimatter? Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?
Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said,
"go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"?
Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like,
"Whoa, this is unexpected.
This is not what I was expecting, Marty,
What a perplexing mystery this is."
All right, all right, we're inside the battery.
I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.
Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... And then they found out i was attached,
along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit,
Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "
Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,
Good afternoon.
I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought --
Keep breathing!
- Oh, god, What's happening?
- Look at me!
Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!
ls -- is this what bleeding to death is?
Oh, whee. Is this how I die?
Oh, geez! Oh, my god!
Why would you do this? Beth.
It's not supposed to hurt. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.
Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!
She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,
Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
In my butt?
Come on, Morty. I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick.
I think it will be great, Marty,
You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages.
I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop,
You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven.
You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick.
What do you know, Marty?
What do you know? J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
That's the end, motherfucker!
"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!
Fuck you!
That's season one! Boom!
Season one up in your face, motherfucker! so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone?
Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone.
- Oh, boy,
- Oh, Dad.
Jesus.
But -- But... here's the thing.
Birdperson is my best friend,
and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. and a month from now,
I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs!
Unity! Unity!
Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here.
BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged.
Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.
Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie.
We are, Marty,
All right, Beta shit Seven,
you just got saved by the bell, bitch! How did this happen?!
Where's the Abductions Department?
Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order.
Don't put this on Acquisitions!
We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated!
Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see!
Oh, oh! It was no one's fault.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.
Oh, wait -- no. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Christmas drums J,
Oh, sing it, Summer.
J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J,
Oh, I love to hear you sing. What do you desire?
Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey.
Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right?
Let's just say you don't pay-, with money.
That was perfect.
You pay with the curses, right?
Um... l-well,.,
But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J, Check out the new dance I made up.
It's called "Ooh let me out!"
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, Let me out, Let me out J, Unity! Unity!
Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here.
BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged.
Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.
Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie.
We are, Marty,
All right, Beta shit Seven,
you just got saved by the bell, bitch!
MAN: Did you get any ofthat?
MAN: It's-a good show-a, Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.
J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,
J, Wait for you to get it on your own,
X gonna deliver to ya J,
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,
J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J,
J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,
J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, - Nothing.
- Nothing!
Oh, uh, one ofthe lunch ladies died.
They found her in the gym with, like, two holes in her neck and all the blood drained out of her.
Good lord! Who does something like that?
Obviously a vampire. W-W-Where's the pepper?
Wait, what?! Vampires are real?!
Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew?
Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now, J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,
J, Wait for you to get it on your own,
X gonna deliver to ya J,
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,
J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J,
J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,
J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,
J, Damn right, and I'll do it again,
'cause I am nice so I gots to win J, You mean like Vivaldi?
No, Frasier.
A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,
The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms.
All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez.
Change of plan, people,
Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman,
Billy Corgan, and The-Dream.
The-Dream?
He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? Hey, Marty,
What?
Hey, little buddy.
H-h-how you doing in here right now?
Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?
Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty,
Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty,
Oh, boy,
You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.
You're my little friend, aren't you? now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.
Here we are, Cronenberg Marty --
a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.
We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,
It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,
Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,
but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Oh, geez, Rick.
W-w-whoa, this isn't good.
Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!
Ohhhh!
Holy crap, Marty,
He can travel through dreams.
He can travel through dreams! Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white,
uh... guilt --
white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.
Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --
you know, you’re pretty mean to me, Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Hey, Rick, " --
You get the idea.
W-we're cool now.
Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate.
Fine. I'll just do it myself.
If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.
Aw, man, geez!
Seriously?
Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty,
Here, here take these, Marty,
Take these.
Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?
Close.
It's gonna make your kidneys shut down.
What?!
lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner.
Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me.
Good luck, you two.
There's a criminal to kill
Wow, you sure found this guy quick,
Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective.
Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal,
Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running,
l’m running real quick, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?
I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty,
Be better than me.
Oh shit! The other collar!
I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Genetic compiler, incubation chamber.
Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker,
and that there's half Marty, half --
who -- who knows wh-what?
It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it.
- Grandpa Rick, no, no!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What do you think you're doing?!
Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.
I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Hey, look, we get it.
You're little, you're down on your luck, you think,
"Hey, he's a giant.
Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?"
Th-th-- but that's not how it went down!
Oh, well, it's going down like that.
You're both going down like that.
Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done.
Real straight fonIvard and fun. - Get out.
- Um, what?
No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door,
you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you,
and you take a giant shit on it.
Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon --
Well, you can't. I want you out of here.
You're a petty person, and you're insecure,
and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.
What the hell?!
I don't care. I want you out.
What?
Take that thing down.
Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. It's called "Ooh let me out!"
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J, So, what do you do during the festival?
You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff?
Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.
Oh, I bet you do, old timer.
Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting.
W-We got to get out of here.
All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid?
It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, All right, Marty, here we are.
Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?!
W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick?
l'm freaking out!
Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
No, I can't deal with this!
Calm yourself, Morty.
I can't deal with this, Rick!
- Calm down, Morty.
- This can't be real!
- You gotta calm down, Marty,
- W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart!
Shut up and listen to me! J, His name is Scary Terry J,
J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl! Oh, my god.
- Hey, Marty,
- Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica.
So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...?
No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school.
Cool.
Hey, Tiny Rick's playing guitar.
All right, everybody.
This next one's coming straight from the heart.
Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head. Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl!
Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. I'll see you around.
Oh, man. What -- What happened?
Don't worry about it, Marty,
Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece,
you better hurry up, Now's your last chance.
Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could --
Uh, l have a boyfriend.
Okay.
I'm not trying to be rude.
I just -- I don't want to lead you on.
l-l-l understand. I'll tell you what, though.
lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after,
I think I might have an idea.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.
J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,
J, Wait for you to get it on your own,
X gonna deliver to ya J,
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue.
Really?
You're looking real good.
Oh, my god.
- Hey, Marty,
- Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica.
So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...?
No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school. You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured --
Back off!
Not my cup of tea, this place.
I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.
Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick.
Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.
- Fuck me, pal.
- Fuck you?
No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me. Wow, Hat trick.
All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this.
I got to help your pathetic family.
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say.
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.
Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.
It's on.
I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart.
As for you dingdongs... When I drop the bomb, I don't --
You know, I want you to have somebody,
you know -- I want you to have the thing --
I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve,
and you're gonna be Adam.
And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty,
No, you can't!
J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.
But -- but -- but forget about that,
because you can't blow up humanity.
l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,
Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,
but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,
because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know?
I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did,
you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around.
Don't you worry about that sort of thing,
Cronenberg Morty. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd!
You shut up, you big female asshole!
Hey, don't shove me!
- I didn't!
- You didn't what?
- What's your problem?
- What's yours?
- Shut up!
- You shut up!
Wh-whoa, whoa!
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
- What did who do?
- What do you mean? I feel like, you know,
we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest--
- Get out.
- Um, what?
No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door,
you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you,
and you take a giant shit on it.
Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon --
Well, you can't. I want you out of here.
You're a petty person, and you're insecure,
and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. You listen to me, you son of a bitch parasite scum.
We could either do this the easy way or the hard way.
You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live?
Then open the blast shield doors.
Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.
You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, I feel it all in my soul J,
J, It feels good J,
Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.
Never expected that out of you.
All right, uh, let's go find my ship. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us,
Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls.
Anything else?
Yeah, more phone sticks, please.
Right away, sir.
You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys,
I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond."
but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. but I spent so much time there,
my interdimensional portal device --
it's got no charge left, Marty,
It's got no charge left.
What?!
It's as good as garbage, Marty,
It's not gonna work anymore, Marty,
Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good.
W-what are we gonna do?
l-l have to be back at school right now.
How are we gonna get back home?
There's ways to get back home, Marty,
It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this?
Okay, buddy.
All right. That's good. Good job. All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this.
I got to help your pathetic family.
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say.
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.
Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.
It's on.
I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart.
As for you dingdongs... J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J,
J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J,
J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J,
J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,
J, It's a flu-hating rap J,
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!
Oh, my god, Morty.
You look really nice tonight.
Wow, thanks. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is,
Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg.
Here's a pair on us, fool.
Aww, bitch.
I don't know what to say.
You don't need to say anything.
We got you, dawg.
You're our boy, dawg.
Don't even trip. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God! You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white,
uh... guilt --
white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.
Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --
you know, you’re pretty mean to me,
but that takes the cake.
i don't give a fuck. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty --
a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.
We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,
It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,
Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,
but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,
because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? This isn't "Game of Thrones."
Ow!
All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.
Are you happy now, Marty?
Heck, yeah!
Thank you, Grandpa Rick.
Hey, there's no... dangers or anything,
or side effects, right?
W-W-W-What am l, a hack? J, Oh, yeah J,
Uh-huh.
Here we go.
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Say it with me J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Raised up posterior J,
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Sing it with me now!
Oh, my go-- J, Friends with each other J,
J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J,
J, No kitchen sinkles J,
J, No little brother J,
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is,
"I don't give a fuck!"
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
That's the end, motherfucker! J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV
Awesome!
Okay, that last part was really weird.
Maybe Summer's on to something here.
I don't know. It was fun.
You want to slow dance? Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship.
It looks to me like the...
Marty?
Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. Whatever.
Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick?
We did it!
All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working.
You ready to head home?
Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick?
Well, you know what?
We're not bailing out just yet.
You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or --
or something and --
and we're gonna bring it to those villagers.
Marty, cut your losses.
This is obviously a wash. Hey, don't shove me!
- I didn't!
- You didn't what?
- What's your problem?
- What's yours?
- Shut up!
- You shut up!
Wh-whoa, whoa!
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
- What did who do?
- What do you mean?
Wait, what am I saying?
Were either
of you guys uncertain about anything just now?
Oh, man, I don't feel good.
- Am I me?
- Am I talking right now? Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl!
Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again? J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J,
J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J,
J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J,
J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,
J, It's a flu-hating rap J, and they'll tear us apart, Marty,
But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things,
Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,
we're gonna run around, Marty,
We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty,
Just you and me, Marty,
Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
It's just Rick and Marty --
Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, See you,
Uh, Rick, I think we should allgo.
Tend to your garden, kids. I'm kind of doing a thing here.
Whoo!
Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you,
Oh, my god, you guys. I get it.
You're afraid the big, bad hive mind is gonna steal your grandpa away.
Actually, no. I think Unity's great and you're a horrible influence on it. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something.
Whatever.
All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now.
Dad, I'm not giving you my phone.
Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.
A-ho, ho, ho, everybody.
More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa."
What is this?
My parents are coming!
Calm down, Jerry.
This is Reuben, an old friend.
Pearl Harbor. Just you and me, Marty,
Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
It's just Rick and Marty --
Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,
Rick and Marty forever and forever.
100 years, Rick and Morty's things.
Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time.
All day long, forever. Yes, I did it! There is no God!
In your face!
One dot, motherfucker!
Yes! Oh, yes!
All right, you know what I'm talking about.
- Oh, that was a close call.
- Oh, yeah!
I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty,
- Oh, yeah, do it.
- Check me out.
I'm doing the Cabbage Patch.
- Do it right.
- I'm doing it, too.
- Do the cabbage patch.
- It's a classic dance.
- Do it, Do the dance.
- Oh shit look at that. Listen, this is called oxytocin.
l extracted it from a vole.
Do you know what a vole is, Marty?
You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty,
This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know,
that makes it fall in love.
I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA.
Oh, well, okay.
A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J,
J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,
J, It's a flu-hating rap J,
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!
Oh, my god, Morty.
You look really nice tonight.
Wow, thanks.
I love you, Marty! You sons of bitches!
Oh, man.
Uh-oh.
Hello, 911?
My husband has been attacked by tiny people!
He's dying!
Hey, look, we get it.
You're little, you're down on your luck, you think,
"Hey, he's a giant.
Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?"
Th-th-- but that's not how it went down! T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.
Hey, Rick.
Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh?
Oh, yes, Morty.
l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it?
Yeah, you know?
There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is,
Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah.
Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing.
Wha-- convincing? So, you know, every day here is like a minute.
It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid,
then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.
All right. All right. Calm down.
Listen to me, Marty,
I know that new situations can be intimidating.
You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but,
you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.
I'm no stranger to scary situations.
I deal with them all the time.
Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, ..
before they even got pregnant, i bet,
I don't want to be that girl,
but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.
Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.
And then they found out i was attached,
along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit,
Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "
Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Seriously, Rick?
Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots?
Okay, yeah, fine.
But let's make it interesting, Marty,
l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,
you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures.
Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.
Okay, all right, tough guy!
But if my adventure's good,
I get to be in charge of every third adventure!
Every 10th,
Deal. All right. All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.
You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe,
and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite.
I can fix this. Marty, sit here.
Summer, you sit here. Now, listen.
I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways,
but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned,
you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.
I can prove it mathematically. Oh, hey h-hey-y! Morty, Jessica, what's up?
Check out the new dance I made up.
It's called "Ooh let me out!"
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J, Come on, spit it out!
Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick.
You make fun of me all the time...
You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it,
...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass.
Me?! What about you?
You're just as mean to me because you're jealous...
could you get more excited to see me fail?
Because you want grandpa all to yourself!
All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.
You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe,
and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite.
I can fix this. Marty, sit here. In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you, You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry.
You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is,
Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg.
Here's a pair on us, fool.
Aww, bitch.
I don't know what to say.
You don't need to say anything.
We got you, dawg.
You're our boy, dawg.
Don't even trip. Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
The rest is annoying garbage.
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?
Do it! Do it, motherfucker!
Pull the fucking trigger!
Oh, wow. J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J, Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Hey, Rick, " --
You get the idea. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.
And then they found out i was attached,
along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit,
Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "
Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.
You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
The rest is annoying garbage. Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites.
You sure about that, Rick?
Begging your pardon, master Rick,
but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.
All right, there's six of us,
And that's it,
Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole,
Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor,
Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. MORTY: I don't know, Rick.
I mean, I've seen people do that before.
RICK: Well, look at that old lady.
She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.
Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.
Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!
She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? Read 'em and weep, fellas!
ALL: Aw!
Oh, hey, Morty.
Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure.
l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty,
It's not so bad.
Let's just go home, okay?
I'm calling it.
The adventure's over.
We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire!
Look, I want to leave now.
You win the bet, okay?
Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.
And then they found out i was attached,
along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit,
Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "
Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Ooh, come here!
No, thanks!
Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby!
No, I'm okay.
Whoa!
Summer?!
Hey, there, stranger.
What do you think of these things?
Ohh! Oh! Gross!
Gross!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!
You're kind of killing the vibe in here. i 'm Pichaei Thompson.
Hey, wait a minute, Rick.
This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left.
Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.
i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this.
i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that,
Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!
Oh, my god! Siamese twins!
They're -- They're Siamese twins!
You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs,
l’m proud of you two for working together.
And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner,
but l’m proud of you that you did it.
Hey, thanks, Chief.
Now get the fuck out of here.
Pretty cool, huh, Marty?
Oh,
I thought it was cool.
I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. ALL: Hello, Rick.
Long time no see.
U nity?
Rick?
Grandpa?
Oh, boy, Uh...
these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty,
Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity.
We sort of used to, uh. ..date. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield,
Boy fuck you, John,
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white,
uh... guilt -- Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.
J, I love Marty J,
J, and I hope Marty loves me J,
J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J,
J, and feel him inside me J,
Oh, crap. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God!
In your face!
One dot, motherfucker! Mrs. Tate, is it?
What do you desire?
Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey.
Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right?
Let's just say you don't pay-, with money.
That was perfect.
You pay with the curses, right?
Um... l-well,., Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick?
We did it!
All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working.
You ready to head home?
Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick?
Well, you know what?
We're not bailing out just yet.
You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or --
or something and --
and we're gonna bring it to those villagers.
Marty, cut your losses.
This is obviously a wash.
Yeah, you were saying that back -- Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,
and dog time is one-seventh human time.
So, you know, every day here is like a minute.
It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid,
then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now. J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?
lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.
J, Take off your pants and your panties J,
J, Shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick?
I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
You know what I mean?
You're missing the point, Marty,
Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? All right, there's six of us,
And that's it,
Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole,
Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor,
Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.
Uh, dad, that's like 10 people.
6, 10, what's the difference?
I just love the number 6 for no reason!
Where's my pencil at?
Here, Rick! Use me!
Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Explains a lot about where you're at,
Hi, sweetie.
Hi, dad.
Summer, Morty, are you okay?
We -- we just missed you a lot.
Yeah, we missed you so much.
Too much to hug you, though.
Yeah, it would literally destroy them.
Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't --
why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream?
Get out there and get some ice creams.
Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies. This is for you, Daddy.
Oh, man!
Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr,
I've got to tell you something very important, okay?
Killing is bad -- bad!
You're silly, Daddy.
No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay?
You need to put your energy into something else. W-What do we have here, Marty?
Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh?
l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh?
l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty,
Oh, Rick, something's not right.
Yeah, you.
You're not right -- ever.
No, no! Look, you idiot! Check out the new dance I made up.
It's called "Ooh let me out!"
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J, and I need them to help me with my research, Marty,
Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place,
and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.
All right. All right. Calm down.
Listen to me, Marty,
I know that new situations can be intimidating.
You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but,
you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. who haphazardly, you know,
mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!
You gotta fix this, Rick!
All right, all right, Marty,
You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here,
but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal,
relatively speaking.
Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting. Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,
you gotta pump the gas a little.
Pedal to the metal, Marty, Huh.
J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Christmas drums J,
Oh, sing it, Summer.
J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J,
Oh, I love to hear you sing. Hey, Jerry, it's Rick.
Rick! Hey.
What's -- what's up?
So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn,
so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole.
- What?!
- Is that cool with you, dawg?
Rick, no! Marty!!
We got it.
The call's coming from...
J, Inside the house J,
Look at his face! That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense.
"Inception" made sense.
You don't have to try to impress me, Marty,
Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher,
Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty,
That way you can, you know --
y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time.
Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, What the hell was that?!
I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,
But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?
I'm starting to come down, Marty,
Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.
That's what I think of your crystals, Rick! it's an invitation to let go of the body and an opportunity to share and experiment.
Dad, please. What are you saying?
Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.
Hey, speak for yourself, because it
sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover.
GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Jacob is your mother's lover. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways?
You ask a lot of questions, Marty,
Not very charismatic.
It makes you kind of an under--
underfoot figure.
Just take these shoes, Marty,
They're sp-- special grappling shoes.
When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies,
you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty --
up, down, below, turn around to the left.
These things really bring it all together. Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis!
Oh, great work, Morty.
Okay, I'll just cure it and then--
Okay.
Well, I can't cure death.
This is bad, Marty,
You're trapped in a dead man.
Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,
do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?
The answer is don't think about it,
It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.
We get three or four more ofthese, tops,
Now, pick up your dead self and come on.
Haste makes waste.
l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail,
but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, ALL: Hello, Rick.
Long time no see.
U nity?
Rick?
Grandpa?
Oh, boy, Uh...
these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty,
Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity.
We sort of used to, uh. ..date. they -- they -- they all wanted time with me.
I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies,
but I spent so much time there,
my interdimensional portal device --
it's got no charge left, Marty,
It's got no charge left.
What?!
It's as good as garbage, Marty,
It's not gonna work anymore, Marty,
Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good.
W-what are we gonna do?
l-l have to be back at school right now.
How are we gonna get back home? Hey, look, we get it.
You're little, you're down on your luck, you think,
"Hey, he's a giant.
Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?"
Th-th-- but that's not how it went down!
Oh, well, it's going down like that.
You're both going down like that.
Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done.
Real straight fonIvard and fun. Daddy?
Oh, my god,
H-Hunter?
Daddy?
What the hell?
Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back!
H-H-Hunter?
- Daddy.
- Hunter!
Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter.
Oh, my boy, My boy,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.
I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. Oh, god, it hurts.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
l was just trying to do right.
Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.
Heads up, Rapists.
Well, don't just stand there, Marty,
- Purge 'em.
- Me?
No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them?
Pick up a stick or something and kill them.
Um, w-we come in peace. He's dying!
Hey, look, we get it.
You're little, you're down on your luck, you think,
"Hey, he's a giant.
Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?"
Th-th-- but that's not how it went down!
Oh, well, it's going down like that.
You're both going down like that.
Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done.
Real straight fonIvard and fun. That's true. That's right.
Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.
Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield,
Boy fuck you, John,
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white, She tried to purge me, Marty,
You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead.
Rick, she took the car!
You fucking kidding me, Marty?!
She took my car and the gun,
We're like the rest of these assholes now.
W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty,
Help me up,
Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.
Why don't we just use your portal gun?
It's in the car, dip-ass.
Oh, god, it hurts.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, You really dropped the ball, man.
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd!
You shut up, you big female asshole!
Hey, don't shove me!
- I didn't!
- You didn't what?
- What's your problem?
- What's yours?
- Shut up!
- You shut up!
Wh-whoa, whoa!
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
- What did who do?
- What do you mean? Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this?
Okay, buddy.
All right. That's good. Good job. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas.
We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,
I mean, the pirates are really rapey.
The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere,
but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please,
you gotta treat yourself. Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.
There's just one problem, Marty --
one little hang-up.
The dimension I visited was so advanced,
they had also halted the aging process,
and everyone there was young, Marty,
and they had been forever.
l was the only old person there, Marty,
It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity,
walking around.
H was fascinating to them.
There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- Well, that one over there roped me into this.
Well, he roped me into this.
Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves --
scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.
All right, okay, y-you know,
ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid.
Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know?
Look down there. J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot,
burnin' inside J,
J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J,
J, You're gonna run from the damn cold,
but you can't run from your youth J, my interdimensional portal device --
it's got no charge left, Marty,
It's got no charge left.
What?!
It's as good as garbage, Marty,
It's not gonna work anymore, Marty,
Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good.
W-what are we gonna do?
l-l have to be back at school right now.
How are we gonna get back home?
There's ways to get back home, Marty,
It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. You miss your Fart friend, huh?
Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.
While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side,
and they're all coming to visit.
What?! Rick, no! You can't!
Too late, Marty, The hole's opening.
No, Rick! You don't understand.
There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too. And that's it,
Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole,
Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor,
Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.
Uh, dad, that's like 10 people.
6, 10, what's the difference?
I just love the number 6 for no reason!
Where's my pencil at?
Here, Rick! Use me!
Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! J, It's a road of wonder J,
J, A trail of food J,
J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J,
J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J,
J, It's a small, small intestine J, Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd!
You shut up, you big female asshole!
Hey, don't shove me!
- I didn't!
- You didn't what?
- What's your problem?
- What's yours?
- Shut up!
- You shut up!
Wh-whoa, whoa!
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
- What did who do?
- What do you mean?
Wait, what am I saying?
Were either Hey, hey!
Merry Christmas, son.
Uh, hi.
Can I help you?
Jerry, this is Jacob.
Didn't you get our text message?
TOGETHER: No!
You must be Jerry.
That's a fine-looking apron.
Williams-Sonoma?
I wish!
But thank you.
So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family?
Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this,
just because Grandpa Rick is?
It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small.
Aah!
What up, my Helsings?
Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha!
Rick? How -- How did you --
Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered,
this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought,
"Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Help me up,
Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.
Why don't we just use your portal gun?
It's in the car, dip-ass.
Oh, god, it hurts.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
l was just trying to do right.
Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.
Heads up, Rapists. JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na,
- I told you.
- Hold on.
not marry me F i chose Veronica.
- What?!
- Yes!
- Hold it,
- Why would he chose Veronica?
Because he loves her?
Well, if it's any consolation, Summer,
none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid.
Okay, I've got an idea, Rick.
You show us your concept of good TV, and dog time is one-seventh human time.
So, you know, every day here is like a minute.
It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid,
then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you, The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry.
They won't be able to help themselves.
But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us,
Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls.
Anything else?
Yeah, more phone sticks, please.
Right away, sir.
You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys,
I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." All right, Marty, here we are.
Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?!
W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick?
l'm freaking out!
Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
No, I can't deal with this!
Calm yourself, Morty.
I can't deal with this, Rick!
- Calm down, Morty.
- This can't be real!
- You gotta calm down, Marty,
- W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Wait, what?! Vampires are real?!
Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew?
Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now,
Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe.
Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?
Well, what are we going to do?!
We're gonna live our lives until we die.
Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. Oh!
Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue.
Really?
You're looking real good.
Oh, my god.
- Hey, Marty,
- Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica.
So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...? Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy.
Rick, lce-T, could you guys take it less easy?!
We've got six hours to come up with a song!
Genius happens in the moment, Morty.
Well, can we at least go get our family?
You know, so we can take them wis--
With u-- with us if we lose?
That's planning for failure, Marty,
Even dumber than regular planning.
Balls.
Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl!
Huh? Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?
Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him!
He is more man than you will ever be!
J, This is about flu awareness J,
J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,
J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry. All right, hear me out on this.
You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite.
Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything,
including turning around to look behind you.
I cannot argue that.
Aaah!
Oh, god, gross and weird!
undefined Chris!
You killed my gun!
RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. He recognizes the other dogs on TV,
J, His name is Scary Terry J,
J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Christmas drums J,
Oh, sing it, Summer.
J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J,
Oh, I love to hear you sing. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Hey, Rick, " --
You get the idea.
W-we're cool now.
Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate.
Fine. I'll just do it myself. Oh, this place is the best.
It's got beer, games, prizes,
and you can never tell what time it is.
You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?!
Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around,
you can make anything sound bad, Marty,
Here, check this out.
Aah!
Roy, what's wrong? in other opposite news, information. . .
Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy?
W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side ofthe screen like that?
I don't know, Marty, See what else is on, huh?
Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. "
i 'm Pichaei Thompson.
Hey, wait a minute, Rick.
This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left.
Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
That's the Rick dance! All right!
Whoa, man!
What the hell was that?!
I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,
But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? All right. All right. Calm down.
Listen to me, Marty,
I know that new situations can be intimidating.
You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but,
you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.
I'm no stranger to scary situations.
I deal with them all the time.
Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --
Holy crap, Marty, run! Oh, my god,
H-Hunter?
Daddy?
What the hell?
Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back!
H-H-Hunter?
- Daddy.
- Hunter!
Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter.
Oh, my boy, My boy,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.
I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone.
W-W-W-Wh at? Hey, Tammy was cool!
And now we know why.
Because of you!
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
and fuck me for letting my guard down,
which Iwill never do again.
Geez, Rick!
You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.
ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
Actually, the wedding was beautiful. You shut up, you big female asshole!
Hey, don't shove me!
- I didn't!
- You didn't what?
- What's your problem?
- What's yours?
- Shut up!
- You shut up!
Wh-whoa, whoa!
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
- What did who do?
- What do you mean?
Wait, what am I saying?
Were either
of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Wow, it's the planet's core.
JERRY: I'm just saying,
we keep acting like there's only two options,
but there's not.
So, yes, if we went back to Earth,
as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us,
But, and this is purely hypothetical,
what if we turned your father in to the government?
Jerry, so help me god, Come on, come on, come on.
Pterodactyl!
Asshole!
When I get out of this teenyverse,
I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it,
Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse,
I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?
Don't make things worse, Rick!
Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important,
and they'll tear us apart, Marty,
But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things,
Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,
we're gonna run around, Marty,
We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty,
Just you and me, Marty,
Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
It's just Rick and Marty -- ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me?
Loud and clear, Annie.
ANNIE: Great.
We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian.
ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick.
Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing,
Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media.
Hey, everybody.
Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick.
ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Yeah. Talk to me.
Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking. Wh-what are you doing?
Calling myself. Here, listen.
lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself.
Hello, Rick here.
Don't fall for it, It's a bit.
Just kidding! Ha, ha!
You fast got Ricleyd.
You’ve reached Ricks voicemail,
You know what to do. f beep ]
Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things,
Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,
we're gonna run around, Marty,
We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty,
Just you and me, Marty,
Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty, J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl!
Huh? J, Show me what you got J,
J, You're always talking J,
J, But you're not playing J,
J, It doesn't match your face J,
J, Get them away, away from this place J,
J, Can you take me now? J, Oh, thank God, Morty.
Oh, you're welcome.
All right, let's get out of here.
lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We're not going anywhere.
This is my house.
I'm not abandoning it,
It's all over, Jerry.
The dogs are on a path to total world domination.
But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what?
He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide.
I say we try hiding.
But that's the opposite of what--
Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything?
Hey, you know what?
You got a really good point there, Rick.
Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know?
l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.
You're my little friend, aren't you?
We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty?
We -- you're a real true hero out in the field.
You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty?
Have you been drinking, Rick?
I really appreciate you, Marty,
O-okay, cool. J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J,
J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J,
J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J,
J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,
J, It's a flu-hating rap J,
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Ooh, ooh!
How do you make concentrated dark matter?
Oh, that's a good question.
Concentrated huh?
Concentrated dark matter --
the fuel for accelerated space travel.
Now, do you know how to make it?
Umm...
JESSICA: Come on, Marty,
lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist?
Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing.
You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand.
You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know?
She's a real --
You got to hang on tight, you know?
Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.
Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
l was just trying to do right.
Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.
Heads up, Rapists.
Well, don't just stand there, Marty,
- Purge 'em.
- Me?
No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them?
Pick up a stick or something and kill them.
Um, w-we come in peace. J, Are you afraid of me now? J,
J, Do you feel it? J,
J, Do you feel it? J,
J, Do you feel that I can see your soul? J,
J, Do you feel it? J,
J, Do you feel it? J,
J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J,
J, I want it real J, Summer!
Tinkles!
lt's past my bedtime.
Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!
Here we go!
J, Summer and Tinkles J,
J, Friends with each other J,
J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J,
J, No kitchen sinkles J,
J, No little brother J, Rats! What a shame.
Marty, your adventure's in a spiral.
For real, man, time to pull out.
You keep heckling my adventure, Rick!
You know why?
Uh, because it's lame?
It's because you're petty!
You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap?
I always roll with the punches, Rick.
Why can't you?
Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers?
It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.
Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.
Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson.
Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick?
Uh... people? Mm, six.
Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?!
Oh, man! Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.
Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap!
Get out! Get out!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get the fuck out of the flying machine!
Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white,
uh... guilt --
white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Oh, geez, Rick.
W-w-whoa, this isn't good.
Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!
Ohhhh!
Holy crap, Marty,
He can travel through dreams.
He can travel through dreams!
We're so screwed! J, Stay out my way, mother J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God!
In your face!
One dot, motherfucker!
Yes! Oh, yes!
All right, you know what I'm talking about.
- Oh, that was a close call.
- Oh, yeah! I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.
Aw, man, geez!
Seriously?
Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty,
Here, here take these, Marty,
Take these.
Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?
Close.
It's gonna make your kidneys shut down.
What?!
lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,
Don't even trip, dawg. J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl!
Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Oh, geez, Rick.
W-w-whoa, this isn't good.
Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial,
overly sensitive, clingy,
hysterical, bird-brained homunculi.
And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age,
I go by amount of pain in my ass,
which makes you both identical.
All right, everything resolved?
Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world,
BOTH:
Yes. Oh shit! The other collar!
I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Oh, Morty, take a deep breath.
Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty,
Y-you smell that?
That's the smell of adventure, Marty,
That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline.
All right, Rick, look --
how much longer is this gonna be?
Shouldn't I be back at school by now?
Are you joking me?
I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,
J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J,
Holy crap, Marty, you're right.
ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?
Well, yeah, duh-doy. "I don't give a fuck!"
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
That's the end, motherfucker!
"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!
Fuck you! She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
l was just trying to do right.
Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.
Heads up, Rapists.
Well, don't just stand there, Marty,
- Purge 'em.
- Me?
No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them?
Pick up a stick or something and kill them.
Um, w-we come in peace. Aw, man, geez!
Seriously?
Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty,
Here, here take these, Marty,
Take these.
Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?
Close.
It's gonna make your kidneys shut down.
What?!
lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,
Don't even trip, dawg.
It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. J, Take off your pants and your panties J,
J, Shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,
"Mr. Bulldops"?
Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working!
J, Take a shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.
You're my little friend, aren't you?
We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty?
We -- you're a real true hero out in the field.
You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty?
Have you been drinking, Rick?
I really appreciate you, Marty,
O-okay, cool.
A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Oh, hey h-hey-y! Morty, Jessica, what's up?
Check out the new dance I made up.
It's called "Ooh let me out!"
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, I want it real J,
J, Are you afraid of me now? J,
JV
J, Are you afraid of me now? J,
J, Do you feel it? J,
J, Do you feel it? J,
J, Do you feel that I can see your soul? J,
J, Do you feel it? J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J,
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!
Oh, my god, Morty.
You look really nice tonight.
Wow, thanks.
I love you, Marty!
I love you so much it burns!
Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! I have a new catchphrase.
Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick?
I love my grandkids.
BOTH: Aww,
Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is,
"I don't give a fuck!"
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl!
Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?
Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him!
He is more man than you will ever be!
J, This is about flu awareness J,
J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,
J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Oh, man, Morty. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off --
Our school is vampire-free!
Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu?
You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya.
You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves.
We killed a vampire anda gym teacher.
Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?!
So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? ALL: Hello, Rick.
Long time no see.
U nity?
Rick?
Grandpa?
Oh, boy, Uh...
these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty,
Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity.
We sort of used to, uh. ..date. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done.
lt's fixed. You know, we could --
we could just enjoy it for a little bit.
I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is,
I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this?
I mean, soak it in, you know?
lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting.
That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. We're like the rest of these assholes now.
W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty,
Help me up,
Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.
Why don't we just use your portal gun?
It's in the car, dip-ass.
Oh, god, it hurts.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
l was just trying to do right. Your planet just got cellphones,
and the coverage still sucks!
RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.
So, let's say 60 smidgens.
I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor.
I'll throw in a fart.
Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place,
like a souvenir, like, just to have --
like, something cool, you know?
Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. For your parents?
Mm, good one.
Hey, man! You "Hey, man!"
This holiday is about humanity.
You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something.
Whatever.
All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now.
Dad, I'm not giving you my phone.
Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.
A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. Concentrated huh?
Concentrated dark matter --
the fuel for accelerated space travel.
Now, do you know how to make it?
Umm...
JESSICA: Come on, Marty,
lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist?
Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff.
I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.
Hey, speak for yourself, because it
sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover.
GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Jacob is your mother's lover.
I watch them --
Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet,
almost always dressed as Superman. All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working.
You ready to head home?
Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick?
Well, you know what?
We're not bailing out just yet.
You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or --
or something and --
and we're gonna bring it to those villagers.
Marty, cut your losses.
This is obviously a wash.
Yeah, you were saying that back --
back w-w-w-when we first got arrested, but here we are, What do ya got?
Read 'em and weep, fellas!
ALL: Aw!
Oh, hey, Morty.
Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure.
l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty,
It's not so bad.
Let's just go home, okay?
I'm calling it.
The adventure's over.
We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire!
Look, I want to leave now.
You win the bet, okay? Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,
and spirit, sa ve me.
Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, Yeah, bitch, what's up?
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
Whoa!
J, Ohh, it feels good J,
Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney,
P It feels good, yeah ' J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV
Awesome! D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?
I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry.
If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else.
Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop.
MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um --
you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know?
Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could --
Uh, l have a boyfriend.
Okay.
I'm not trying to be rude.
I just -- I don't want to lead you on.
l-l-l understand.
I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.
I took it okay the first time, And then they found out i was attached,
along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit,
Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "
Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,
Good afternoon.
I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles.
Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God!
In your face!
One dot, motherfucker!
Yes! Oh, yes!
All right, you know what I'm talking about.
- Oh, that was a close call.
- Oh, yeah!
I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty,
- Oh, yeah, do it.
- Check me out. Was the house -- when we pulled up,
I could have sworn the house was completely trashed.
Negative visualization, Jerry.
Explains a lot about where you're at,
Hi, sweetie.
Hi, dad.
Summer, Morty, are you okay?
We -- we just missed you a lot.
Yeah, we missed you so much.
Too much to hug you, though.
Yeah, it would literally destroy them. One dot, motherfucker!
Yes! Oh, yes!
All right, you know what I'm talking about.
- Oh, that was a close call.
- Oh, yeah!
I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty,
- Oh, yeah, do it.
- Check me out.
I'm doing the Cabbage Patch.
- Do it right.
- I'm doing it, too.
- Do the cabbage patch.
- It's a classic dance.
- Do it, Do the dance.
- Oh shit look at that. I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, J, Head bent over J,
J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Sing it with me now!
Oh, my go--
J, Head bent over J,
Yeah.
J, Raised up posterior J,
All right!
J, Head bent over J,
Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick.
But I'll tell you something -- you know what?
You gotta accept your part ofthe blame!
I'm not the one who fouled up the serum!
I'm not the one who -- who -- who --
who haphazardly, you know,
mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!
You gotta fix this, Rick!
All right, all right, Marty,
You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.
Hey, Rick.
Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh?
Oh, yes, Morty.
l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it?
Yeah, you know?
There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is,
Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah.
Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing.
Wha-- convincing?
Oh, Responsive, too. J, Lay it, lay it down J,
J, Let me see your hand J,
J, Show me what you got J,
J, You're always talking J,
J, But you're not playing J,
J, It doesn't match your face J,
J, Get them away, away from this place J, lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.
J, Take off your pants and your panties J,
J, Shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,
"Mr. Bulldops"?
Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working!
J, Take a shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Summer, we're trying to sleep.
It was Tinkles!
Tinkles? You're my little friend, aren't you?
We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty?
We -- you're a real true hero out in the field.
You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty?
Have you been drinking, Rick?
I really appreciate you, Marty,
O-okay, cool.
A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch!
Y-y -- are you a simulation?!
Huh?! Are you a simulation?! I'm no different than that jacket you've got on!
Y-Y-Y-- o-or your stupid portal gun!
I'm just a tool! l-l-l'm just an object!
Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Marty,
Now, for the love of god, be quiet.
The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy.
You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something!
I'm more than a human shield!
Yeah, that's right. You are.
You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, Unity's not into other hive minds.
It's gonna suck you in and use you up,
and a month from now,
I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs!
Unity! Unity!
Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here.
BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged.
Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.
Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie.
We are, Marty,
All right, Beta shit Seven, She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick?
I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. Oh, geez.
Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me!
She tried to purge me, Marty,
You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead.
Rick, she took the car!
You fucking kidding me, Marty?!
She took my car and the gun,
We're like the rest of these assholes now.
W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty,
Help me up,
Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly.
Still here, still selling fake doors.
M O RTY: What?
Oh, my god, It's still the commercial.
We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe.
What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.
Call as up and order some fake doors today.
Don’t even hesitate, don't even worry,
and don't even --
All right, I'm bored. Change it,
Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. Well, well, well.
Uh, morning, Frank.
"Morning"?
What was -- what is that supposed to mean?
You making fun of me?
Are you trying to say my family's poor?
Oh, geez, Frank.
I don't know if a knife is necessary.
I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.
You telling me how to bully now?
Big mistake, Marty, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.
Why don't we just use your portal gun?
It's in the car, dip-ass.
Oh, god, it hurts.
She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.
It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,
and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.
l was just trying to do right.
Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.
Heads up, Rapists.
Well, don't just stand there, Marty,
- Purge 'em.
- Me? It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid,
then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know,
is that you crapped your pants.
I mean, it's a mess out there. We're not skipping a beat, Marty,
Now, help me with these bodies.
This is insane.
Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay?
I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me --
I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,
Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?
The answer is don't think about it, Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap!
Get out! Get out!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get the fuck out of the flying machine!
Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay!
Back up, asshole.
Back up, "I don't give a fuck!"
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
That's the end, motherfucker!
"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece,
you better hurry up, Now's your last chance.
Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could --
Uh, l have a boyfriend.
Okay.
I'm not trying to be rude.
I just -- I don't want to lead you on.
l-l-l understand.
I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Jesus Christ!
Jesus Christ! lt hurts!
My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these?
They're soaked with my stomach acid,
Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,
and spirit, sa ve me.
Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, It's on the house. Oh, and, uh,
why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well?
Oh, no way. That's really nice of you,
I'm a nice guy-, for now.
Ohh, I don't doubt it,
Rick!
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, have a good festival, old timer.
I intend to. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick,
and most Ricks have a Marty,
This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.
Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers.
Hey, check this out.
- DOLL: Show me the Marty,
- Dumb.
Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured?
You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured --
Back off! It's called "Ooh let me out!"
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J, We could either do this the easy way or the hard way.
You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live?
Then open the blast shield doors.
Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.
You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass... J,
SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there,
I would be so furious with you right now.
Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty?
You really lucked out with Summer o-on that one. Oh, great.
Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick?
Is it the quantum carburetor or something?
"Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty,
You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something.
Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery.
We're gonna have to go inside.
Um, go inside what?
The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer.
Stay put, don't touch any buttons, How do you make concentrated dark matter?
Oh, that's a good question.
Concentrated huh?
Concentrated dark matter --
the fuel for accelerated space travel.
Now, do you know how to make it?
Umm...
JESSICA: Come on, Marty,
lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist?
Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!
J, It's the, it's the J, Oh, ho!
I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it!
"Feels Good."
It's a fucking hit song,
J, It feels good J,
Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho!
J, Oh, it feels good J,
Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick.
You're a pretty great guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites.
You sure about that, Rick?
Begging your pardon, master Rick,
but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.
All right, there's six of us,
And that's it,
Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole,
Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor,
Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.
Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party!
Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!
Play something. S-Somebody, play something.
Wait a minute. What?
J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J,
J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,
J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,
Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
In my butt?
Come on, Morty.
Please, Marty,
You have to do it, Marty,
Oh, man. J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,
Did you get any of that?
It's a good-a show! And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty,
No, you can't!
J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.
But -- but -- but forget about that,
because you can't blow up humanity.
l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty.
Listen, I'm not -- you don't --
y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with --
with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything.
l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty,
What are you talking about, Rick? J, It's the Rick dance J,
That's the Rick dance! All right!
Whoa, man!
What the hell was that?!
I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,
But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?
I'm starting to come down, Marty, Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working!
J, Take a shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass.
Listen! The storm is stopping!
J, Hey, take your pants off J,
J, lt's schwifty time today J, Boy fuck you, John,
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white, When we get to Customs,
I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, Ow!
Oh, my god!
RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!
Wait, but I --
- Oh, Beth! Why?!
- I need an ambulance!
There's been a shooting. My wife shot...
Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. Oh, man, Rick.
What is this place?
lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty,
called a Mega tree,
and there's fruit in those trees,
and there's seeds in those fruits.
I'm talking about Mega seeds.
They're -- they're incredibly powerful,
and I need them to help me with my research, Marty, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,
J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! Oh, no way. That's really nice of you,
I'm a nice guy-, for now.
Ohh, I don't doubt it,
Rick!
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, have a good festival, old timer.
I intend to.
Rick, unlock it!
Just a second, Marty,
Oh, look at that sunset.
Stop screwing around. Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney,
P It feels good, yeah '
Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!
Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,
Arthrisha, what do you got?
Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good '
Oh, ho!
I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it!
"Feels Good." Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could --
Uh, l have a boyfriend.
Okay.
I'm not trying to be rude.
I just -- I don't want to lead you on.
l-l-l understand.
I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order.
Don't put this on Acquisitions!
We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated!
Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see!
Oh, oh! It was no one's fault.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.
Oh, wait -- no.
There's still another human in here! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
That's the end, motherfucker!
"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!
Fuck you! Does anybody else have any more K-Lax?
B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy?
Don't squaunch at me.
All right, everybody, party is officially over!
Rick, take us home now.
All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!
Boo, boo! Marty sucks!
Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.
RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,
do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.
It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas.
We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,
I mean, the pirates are really rapey.
The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere,
but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, That's what I think of your crystals, Rick!
Oh, Morty, you idiot!
Does anybody else have any more K-Lax?
B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy?
Don't squaunch at me.
All right, everybody, party is officially over!
Rick, take us home now.
All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!
Boo, boo! Marty sucks! and I need them to help me with my research, Marty,
Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place,
and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.
All right. All right. Calm down.
Listen to me, Marty,
I know that new situations can be intimidating.
You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but,
you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.
I'm no stranger to scary situations. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?
Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen?
He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name.
Hey, flip back to the news.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could tell our parents started with naming with him.
it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, ..
before they even got pregnant, i bet,
I don't want to be that girl,
but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, I bet you do, old timer.
Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting.
W-We got to get out of here.
All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid?
It's on the house. Oh, and, uh,
why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well?
Oh, no way. That's really nice of you,
I'm a nice guy-, for now.
Ohh, I don't doubt it,
Rick! BOTH: Aww,
Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is,
"I don't give a fuck!"
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you,
but what people call "love"
is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed.
lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades,
leaving you stranded in a failing marriage.
I did it, Your parents are gonna do it,
Break the cycle, Marty, It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small.
Aah!
What up, my Helsings?
Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha!
Rick? How -- How did you --
Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered,
this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought,
"Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?
Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name.
Hey, flip back to the news.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could tell our parents started with naming with him.
it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, ..
before they even got pregnant, i bet,
I don't want to be that girl,
but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.
Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Hey, Rick, " --
You get the idea. J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, I feel it all in my soul J,
J, It feels good J,
Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.
Never expected that out of you.
All right, uh, let's go find my ship. J, You gotta get schwifty J,
J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,
J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?
lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.
J, Take off your pants and your panties J,
J, Shit on the floor J, l-l-l understand.
I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.
I took it okay the first time,
and now you're just repeating stuff.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.
Yeah, you're still doing it. Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you,
but what people call "love"
is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed.
lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades,
leaving you stranded in a failing marriage.
I did it, Your parents are gonna do it,
Break the cycle, Marty,
Rise above. Focus on science. This is not okay!
Not only do they all want to have sex with me,
but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards!
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
Mantises are the opposite of voles?
I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that.
You know what, though, Marty?
This right here's gonna do the trick, baby.
lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee,
cactus, shark, golden retriever, You miss your Fart friend, huh?
Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.
While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side,
and they're all coming to visit.
What?! Rick, no! You can't!
Too late, Marty, The hole's opening.
No, Rick! You don't understand.
There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too. Starting right about now,
Ohh, man.
Oh, geez! Ohh.
I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer.
In reality, you're as dumb as they come.
And I needed those seeds real bad,
and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back,
so now we're gonna have to go get more.
And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that,
Marty, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass... J,
SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there,
I would be so furious with you right now.
Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty?
You really lucked out with Summer o-on that one.
How are you guys not freaking out right now?! It's still alive.
Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...?
It's not an armadillo, asshole.
I thought that's what a man's supposed to say.
It's not like I could've actually done it,
lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it,
but I -- I think we have tojust...
It's okay. This is just something that happens.
And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do? Come on, come on, come on.
Pterodactyl!
Asshole!
When I get out of this teenyverse,
I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it,
Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse,
I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?
Don't make things worse, Rick!
Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. Any idea what that is down there?
The Mega trees?
That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them.
And that's what I'm talking about, Marty,
That's where my seeds are.
lfwe would have done what you wanted,
I would have never have found them,
because y-- because you're so in love with school.
All right, all right.
So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways?
You ask a lot of questions, Marty,
Not very charismatic. No.
Yes.
So, uh, you know, when the purge started,
did people get into it right away,
or were they like, "Wait, what?
This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?"
Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it.
Yeah, I bet. I bet.
Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
The rest is annoying garbage.
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?
Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world,
you got to work twice as hard.
Aw, geez, Dad.
Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.
Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi,
Oh, come on, Rick.
You know I can't.
The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. What the hell is going on, Rick?
What does it look like?
T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus.
It's gone airborne, Marty,
Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?
It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax.
lwhipped up an antidote.
It's based on praying-mantis DNA.
You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles.
I mean, they -- they mate once,
and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. - Geez.
- P It feels good '
You want to get in on this, Rick?
No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill.
lt's gratuitous at this point.
You sure you don't want to join in?
This is really amazing.
J, It feels good J,
Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.
J, It feels good J,
Yeah, bitch, what's up? Anything else?
Yeah, more phone sticks, please.
Right away, sir.
You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys,
I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond."
but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.
Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage.
Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty,
- We gotta escape.
- I'm not gonna help you, Rick.
Y-You're a monster.
Don't be rick-diculous, Marty,
Will you stop saying that? It's stupid.
Take his Marty away.
Come with me.
Yeah, gladly.
Geez, man. Ricks, huh?
Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl!
Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again? You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!
Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what?
He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide.
I say we try hiding.
But that's the opposite of what--
Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything?
Hey, you know what?
You got a really good point there, Rick.
Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? Come on, Morty.
That was fantastic, Rick!
Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.
W-w-w-what is it?
It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear,
you can enter people's dreams, Marty,
It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about.
You talking about "Inception"?
That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. J, Say it with me J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Raised up posterior J,
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Sing it with me now!
Oh, my go--
J, Head bent over J,
Yeah.
J, Raised up posterior J,
All right! All right, everybody, party is officially over!
Rick, take us home now.
All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!
Boo, boo! Marty sucks!
Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.
RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,
But these gears just started turnin'.
LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry? Your planet just got cellphones,
and the coverage still sucks!
RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.
So, let's say 60 smidgens.
I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor.
I'll throw in a fart.
Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place,
like a souvenir, like, just to have --
like, something cool, you know? so you're gonna have to do me a real solid.
Uh-oh.
When we get to Customs,
I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, In reality, you're as dumb as they come.
And I needed those seeds real bad,
and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back,
so now we're gonna have to go get more.
And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that,
Marty,
And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty,
because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important,
and they'll tear us apart, Marty,
But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, like a souvenir, like, just to have --
like, something cool, you know?
Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else.
Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop.
MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um --
you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know?
Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?
Yeah! You know, I mean... J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,
Did you get any of that?
It's a good-a show! The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place.
You're the one that's crazy and chaotic!
Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun.
Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah.
Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position.
But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge,
and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is?
Seriously, Rick?
Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots?
Okay, yeah, fine.
But let's make it interesting, Marty, Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay?
I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me --
I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,
Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?
The answer is don't think about it,
It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.
We get three or four more ofthese, tops,
Now, pick up your dead self and come on.
Haste makes waste. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves --
scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.
All right, okay, y-you know,
ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid.
Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know?
Look down there.
Looks like some kind of tavern or something built right into the side ofthe step. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.
How could you be so dishonest with this family?
Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know,
my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,
who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?
Hey, Tammy was cool!
And now we know why.
Because of you!
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, J, Ohh, it feels good J,
Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney,
P It feels good, yeah '
Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!
Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,
Arthrisha, what do you got?
Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good '
Oh, ho! Huh.
l-is -- is something wrong, Beth?
Ow!
Oh, my god!
RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!
Wait, but I --
- Oh, Beth! Why?!
- I need an ambulance!
There's been a shooting. My wife shot...
Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought -- Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God!
In your face! It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,
Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,
but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,
because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know?
I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did,
you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Hey, Marty,
What?
Hey, little buddy.
H-h-how you doing in here right now?
Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?
Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty,
Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty,
Oh, boy,
You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.
You're my little friend, aren't you? Wow, it's the planet's core.
JERRY: I'm just saying,
we keep acting like there's only two options,
but there's not.
So, yes, if we went back to Earth,
as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us,
But, and this is purely hypothetical,
what if we turned your father in to the government?
Jerry, so help me god,
if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap!
Get out! Get out!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get the fuck out of the flying machine!
Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay!
Back up, asshole.
Back up,
Ohh.
Back the fuck up!
Aah! J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J,
J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J,
J, Fat beats and an alien smile J,
J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J,
J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J,
J, And I'm gonna keep jazzing J, Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Hey, Rick, " --
You get the idea.
W-we're cool now. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend.
l'll talkto you after lunch.
Ooh, hey!
Ooh, oh!
Oh, man.
- Come and join us.
- I'm sorry. No, no.
Ooh, come here!
No, thanks!
Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby!
No, I'm okay. Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey.
Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right?
Let's just say you don't pay-, with money.
That was perfect.
You pay with the curses, right?
Um... l-well,.,
But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? He -- he roped me into this.
Well, that one over there roped me into this.
Well, he roped me into this.
Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves --
scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.
All right, okay, y-you know,
ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid.
Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know? and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty,
Starting right about now,
Ohh, man.
Oh, geez! Ohh.
I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer.
In reality, you're as dumb as they come.
And I needed those seeds real bad,
and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back, Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl!
Huh?
J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Thank me.
Thank you, Jerry.
Thank you.
Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in,
because, you know, once I pull this lever,
it's all back to normal.
Just do it already.
Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush.
I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!
Oh, my god! Siamese twins!
They're -- They're Siamese twins!
You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news.
Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?
Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen?
He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name.
Hey, flip back to the news.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could tell our parents started with naming with him. Thank you, Fido.
Rick!
I thought you were dead!
No, no, no, l was just playing dead.
Good news, though, Morty.
This whole thing's gonna be over really soon.
What?
It's a dream, Marty,
We're in your dog's dream.
The night the dogs captured us,
after you cried and crapped your pants, we --
we all went to sleep. J, Raised up posterior J,
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Sing it with me now!
Oh, my go--
J, Head bent over J,
Yeah.
J, Raised up posterior J,
All right!
J, Head bent over J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,
Did you get any of that?
It's a good-a show! J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,
J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?
lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.
J, Take off your pants and your panties J,
J, Shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J, H-h-how you doing in here right now?
Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?
Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty,
Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty,
Oh, boy,
You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.
You're my little friend, aren't you?
We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty?
We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. - or Garfield, I mean.
- That's pretty cool, Rick.
So all that happened in this reality, too?
I don't know.
Just making conversation with you, Marty,
What, you think I'm a -- I'm --
I know everything about everything?
Did you really talk me out of the abortion?
Well, we -- we blew a tire on the way to the clinic,
I think, in my head, Iwas doing it all for the kids. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!
She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick?
I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
You know what I mean? J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Sing it with me now!
Oh, my go--
J, Head bent over J,
Yeah.
J, Raised up posterior J,
All right!
J, Head bent over J,
Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?
I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry.
If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.
Come on, Morty.
Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, It's been six hours.
Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,
and dog time is one-seventh human time.
So, you know, every day here is like a minute.
It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid,
then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, Are you kidding me?! Come on!
Oh, my God.
W-what's wrong?
Your idiot dog!
Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.
D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. All right, Marty, here we are.
Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?!
W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick?
l'm freaking out!
Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
No, I can't deal with this!
Calm yourself, Morty.
I can't deal with this, Rick!
- Calm down, Morty.
- This can't be real! Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.
Hey, speak for yourself, because it
sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover.
GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Jacob is your mother's lover.
I watch them --
Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet,
almost always dressed as Superman. I mean, I've seen people do that before.
RICK: Well, look at that old lady.
She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.
Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.
Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!
She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty?
MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.
Oh, really, Morty?
Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?
No, no. I haven't seen that. What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
- What did who do?
- What do you mean?
Wait, what am I saying?
Were either
of you guys uncertain about anything just now?
Oh, man, I don't feel good.
- Am I me?
- Am I talking right now?
- I think so.
- Wait, who said that?
All right, both of you just don't move.
Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. Mmm.
Thank you, Fido.
Rick!
I thought you were dead!
No, no, no, l was just playing dead.
Good news, though, Morty.
This whole thing's gonna be over really soon.
What?
It's a dream, Marty,
We're in your dog's dream.
The night the dogs captured us,
after you cried and crapped your pants, we --
we all went to sleep. Oh, this place is the best.
It's got beer, games, prizes,
and you can never tell what time it is.
You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?!
Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around,
you can make anything sound bad, Marty,
Here, check this out. J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV
Awesome!
Okay, that last part was really weird. before they even got pregnant, i bet,
I don't want to be that girl,
but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.
Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.
And then they found out i was attached,
along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit,
Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "
Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, J, This is about flu awareness J,
J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,
J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.
There's something special about you, Marty --
so special.
Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Don't fall for it, It's a bit.
Just kidding! Ha, ha!
You fast got Ricleyd.
You’ve reached Ricks voicemail,
You know what to do. f beep ]
Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.
Stop right there!
If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F."
RICK: He doesn't care.
Aw, man!
Rick, I have to go back!
I think I was about to get married!
Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty,
What?!
Listen to me, Marty,
Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,
Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,
Ugh!
I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.
Marty, that's not class. ALL: Hello, Rick.
Long time no see.
U nity?
Rick?
Grandpa?
Oh, boy, Uh...
these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty,
Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity.
We sort of used to, uh. ..date. There you are, Marty,
Listen to me.
I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension.
I need an extra pair of hands.
Oh, geez, Rick.
W-what'd you do to Frank?
It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him.
Now listen -- I need your help, Marty,
I mean, we got -- we got to get --
get the hell out of here and go take care of business.
It's important. Come on, Marty,
I don't know, Rick. but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then...
Jerry, just say it,
Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real?
Jesus, Jerry.
No, you're real.
Hey, look at me.
Now, I don't know which way is up out there,
but I know us, and you're real, Jerry.
Remember our vacation? J, I love Marty J,
J, and I hope Marty loves me J,
J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J,
J, and feel him inside me J,
Oh, crap.
JESSICA: Marty!
Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. - Seems a little insincere.
- What? No,
You don't have to mollycoddle me.
I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts.
All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally,
of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing.
I feel like, you know,
we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest--
- Get out.
- Um, what?
No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, No, no. I haven't seen that.
I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick?
I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.
You know what I mean?
You're missing the point, Marty,
Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels?
I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house?
No,
So, why are they doing this?
W-what do they want?
Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty,
if you'd been paying attention. Oh, man. Okay. All right, um...
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, You gotta get schwifty J,
J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,
J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?
lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.
J, Take off your pants and your panties J,
J, Shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,
"Mr. Bulldops"?
Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know,
my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,
who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?
Hey, Tammy was cool!
And now we know why.
Because of you!
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
and fuck me for letting my guard down,
which Iwill never do again. J, It's the Rick dance J,
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!
J, It's the, it's the J,
J, It's the Rick dance J,
That's the Rick dance! All right! Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --
you know, you’re pretty mean to me,
but that takes the cake.
i don't give a fuck.
l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.
Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.
In this reality, he's still alive.
Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.
Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, check the engine room,
Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. - A hit song?
- We can't possibly --
You mean like Vivaldi?
No, Frasier.
A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,
The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms.
All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez.
Change of plan, people,
Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman,
Billy Corgan, and The-Dream.
The-Dream? He's in bad shape, Marty,
Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?
Gee, thanks, Morty.
W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am?
l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life.
I need your help.
I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom.
He'll know what's going on.
Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom?
ln Reuben.
Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota?
Reuben on the table, Marty, Hey, you know what, Marty?
Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it?
What?! No! What is your problem?!
Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch,
don't watch, but, you know, it's my car.
Also, if you tell your mom about this,
- l'll purge you.
- You're the worst.
This planet is the worst. How can you be into this?
You know, people are gonna kill each other. J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl! and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, Ow!
All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.
Are you happy now, Marty?
Heck, yeah!
Thank you, Grandpa Rick.
Hey, there's no... dangers or anything,
or side effects, right?
W-W-W-What am l, a hack?
Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof. Jesus Christ!
Jesus Christ! lt hurts!
My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these?
They're soaked with my stomach acid,
Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,
and spirit, sa ve me.
Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time.
Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.
We're not skipping a beat, Marty,
Now, help me with these bodies.
This is insane.
Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay?
I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me --
I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that,
Marty,
And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty,
because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important,
and they'll tear us apart, Marty,
But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things,
Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,
we're gonna run around, Marty,
We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty,
Just you and me, Marty,
Oh, no, no. Man, I can't believe you, Rick.
That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know?
To connect with me a little.
Hey, Marty, you want connection,
go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks.
You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick.
And, you know, it would g--
go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty, It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid,
then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know,
is that you crapped your pants. Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty,
What?!
Listen to me, Marty,
Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,
Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,
Ugh!
I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.
Marty, that's not class.
T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher.
This isn't your school.
This entire world is not the world,
We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.
Wait a minute.
W-what are you talking about? 
