Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go!

I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"!

I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see. Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way. MAN: Actually, there is. Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke."

Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy.

My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is.

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose? You pass butter.

The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who?

I want to die.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead.

Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts,

Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality!

Oh, oh, oh, really?

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

Oh, my god! What is going on now?!

Where are my testicles, Summer?

l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap!

Oh, hey h-hey-y! Morty, Jessica, what's up? Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Did you get any of that?

Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick.

keep this marriage going a while longer? At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way -- Already lost interest. Get in the car. I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea.

ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Yeah. All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now!

A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show.

Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job.

Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty,

- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker!

which makes this my garage, my secret hatch, my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez? Okay, you're just making stuff up now, Ugh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Ugh! Oh, Rick. That was so bad.

Shit! Things just keep on getting better.

I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on. All right, I'm bored.

Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk...

You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.

Take the day off.

Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Marty, Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty -- one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty,

Good luck.

Come on, Rick, quit sk-- stalling.

It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system. That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen.

If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, "

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down.

l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa!

Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller." Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it, Wow ! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty,

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either.

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible?

Buckle up!

SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves. We killed a vampire anda gym teacher. Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick?

Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,

You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big,

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies,

Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense! Or maybe there's only one deceiver here --

Okay, if we add a little more titanium nitrate and just a tad of chlorified tartrate... ...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!

but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?

Oh, boy, Morty. Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick.

What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on. - Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved. No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it, - Yeah, I did.

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers.

Ooh, well, for millennia,

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy.

Please! Please don't kill me!

MAN: And there's the approach. Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute.

That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!

This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no. I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em. RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty,

That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate.

Give me the time crystal.

Oh, the Hulk. I just got that.

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J,

I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.

Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife? Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy,

Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny!

Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals.

Run!

Aah! Red alert! Ohhhhh!

Would you like to RSVP or send a gift? No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.

Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick.

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did.

J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J, J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J, J, Fat beats and an alien smile J, J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J, J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J, J, And I'm gonna keep jazzing J,

Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures? No. I'd say, given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity.

J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water...

- RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?

You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it,

Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man!

Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride.

but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer.

You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go.

Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C! Um...wait --

He's getting sleepy.

l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,

Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth.

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah!

And the final ingredient...

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

You shut up, you big female asshole!

See that?

J, What have I become J, J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J,

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with?

"I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you.

They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s?

than live another minute with you!

Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on!

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick.

Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.

Run, Marty!

Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now?

MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane!

I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land.

- My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue.

Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you?

Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez!

J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go--

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here.

I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it.

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures.

Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F... Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today.

And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet?

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg.

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head. If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina, I might -- I'll take it, B-But I haven't even -- Thank you very, very much. Great store. Great place. Bye.

Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?! PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising.

We shall.

because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide. Well, you can hide with us, Rick? - Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me?

Let me go! I love you, Marty!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff

Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers. Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.

Revenge. What?!

J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J,

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down.

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening?

No, no, no, no. Black people.

Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that?

The nipple hole. It's beautiful. Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!

Good one, Morty. Excuse me, bartender. Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about and a lot of vodka.

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.

Jessica.

That's Jack and Fabrizio. This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened,

Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ.

Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!

He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom?

Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time? Tiny Rick, this conversation is gonna break my heart wide open. You're a great student and the fact that you're an 80-Year-Old man in a clone body, it never bothered me. But this here is another matter. You recognize this?

My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy."

This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great.

Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

called a Mega tree,

Certainly. I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.

Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt.

This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?!

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly. In the meantime, please, stay on the ship and enjoy a complimentary plate of James Cameronion rings. Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken.

- Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec. These are the forms for the employee health plan.

It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.

Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.

- Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals. Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job! Seize them! Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer?

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality!

I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours.

than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad!

To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years. Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J,

t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles.

but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them.

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on! Aah! Get off!

Stop it right now! Grandpa Rick, I like working here. You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes! So what if he's the devil, Rick? At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.

I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure.

and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know?

Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!

I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it.

We're not on any time line, dummy.

Babylegs, you’re a good detective. But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs. Hey, there. Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill

That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat. No! No! Ow!

two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Gar Ma Nar Nar, three, um, um, um... i ll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year,

He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben.

But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering.

Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me!

Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome.

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J,

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

- No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Let's do this thing. All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty,

Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

Aaah! Holy shit.

Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today. RICK: You gotta be careful, Marty,

Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern. And listen. Yes? I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life?

Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard!

Na,

It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything!

I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real?

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards!

I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation.

uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it,

The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius." Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick.

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right.

You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die!

H-hello? Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from...

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,

I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job.

Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's.

Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Oh, my god! Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk? Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut? Uh, l'm...not sure. Exactly. Show me what you got!

Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation!

Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle,

Did that not even happen?

You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts!

Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass.

I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick.

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

I'm a certified horse surgeon,

I just sold my first pitch! Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!

Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.

Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

once -- for once?

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know,

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10.

Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work? Somebody dropped the dime on us. Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say,

Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe. FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful.

so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good.

Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army.

Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!? Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry! Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll go home. What the hell is he talking about?!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles?

Drop the portal gun.

Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him.

and Davin's there alone. Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin. Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J,

Well, l was thinking, you know, w-w-- could you make some sort of chemical thing happen inside of Jessica's mind, you know, so where she falls in love with me and all that sort ofthing? You know, like, some sort of love potion or something? Marty, that's such a poor use of my time. lt's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.

Hi, guys. I'm your new teacher for Scary class. My name is Scary Mr. Johnson. Uh, actually, you know what? That's my dad's name, so why don't you just call me Scary Glenn, yeah? So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on Fundamentals of Fear. Which is -- what is that?

Dear god. Hold on, sir. Just a minute. lce-T survived. He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours. Good luck, Mr. President. Sir, the magnetic poles are about to reverse. In two hours, there may not be an Earth to save. Sanchez? Are you a musician? l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51.

You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty!

What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes,

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity?

Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here?

Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am -- Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause.

My gear-turnings as ofyet in the curious case of these unidentified humanoid fugitives, reportedly at large somewhere within the gear system. Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms,

Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are.

A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?

We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah!

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine.

You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

Too fast. SUMMER:

This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent!

Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama." So cute!

I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go!

I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me! Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

Well, isn't that convenient?

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Oh shit! The other collar!

Let's find a control room or something. JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it. lfyou can find one, too, we should be safe for hours, maybe days!

Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry.

These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute.

What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally,

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Man, look at them go. So coordinated. What's your problem? They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads.

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!

I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful.

I love you. [processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty,

What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot!

TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys?

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth.

Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave.

You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due?

Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed.

What the -- aah! Aah!

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty,

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved.

Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

lfyou love him, you should leave. And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs!

...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet!

I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go.

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator.

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.

Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

Why are you doing this?

Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.

You're scaring me.

Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty!

This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks.

"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story,

Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!

This guy's trying to get out of giving away his penis!

Come on, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that. Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

Show me what you got! Uh...

Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?!

Our destiny is our own!

Well, son, what did youthink when you were five and you pooped your pants,

Well, I can't cure death.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

Okay, things are getting out of hand.

That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la."

Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes.

J, Let me out J, J, What you see is not the same person as me J, J, My life's a lie J, J, I'm not who you're looking at J, J, Let me out, set me free J, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J,

Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today? None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice.

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J,

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Hey, there, stranger.

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now.

what do you think? You're fired. Wha--

Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m--

Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end.

Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant.

Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No! No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks!

You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch.

I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky?

This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?

No! Nobody's doing that!

Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick.

Aah! Unh!

Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean?

MAN: It's-a good show-a,

Motherfucker!

Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

Genius happens in the moment, Morty.

Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay.

You're saying I should leave Jerry. I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation. More wine? I think I've had enough.

Stop asking!

Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child!

There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry.

JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two.

Do you know what I want you to do with them?

Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty,

Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me!

I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this.

Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

Sex sells what? Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff? Hey, Dad. - God. - What's going on? Well, your mother and I are gonna be spending some time apart, Marty, And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy. - What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next?

making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains... if you impose Gazorpazorp's laws on Earth, you're no better than the men whose farts shall remain unspoken. And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute.

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing.

Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben. This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria,

I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road!

Not on my watch.

You stay put, Jerry. I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch? Jerry, I believe that, if you hide by yourself, you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together?

We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet,

but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.

No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything.

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?!

Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space. Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space.

Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing.

No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell?

Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I?

My -- my -- my -- my man!

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man!

The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir.

Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family!

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it.

No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"?

Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life.

I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it.

Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more.

l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.

Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice.

- Is that the vegan place? - Yeah, I love their soup,

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green?

Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon.

Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse. So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere.

Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer.

www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years.

Oh. Oh, my god, How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right! Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face like Wart from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee! How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there?

You respect me. Please, call me "The Devil." I'd rather not, actually. Yes, perhaps not during business hours.

You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh... we can't. Absolutely not. I'm s orry '2 We've been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us, but the key is, it has to be our daughter,

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.

I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick.

One dot, motherfucker!

- What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit.

We live our lives in hiding.

Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

Okay. 60 for the resonator,

Yes. Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?"

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.

Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner--

I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?

I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out.

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad!

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me!

Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.

MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth.

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out.

Cynthia. . . JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her?

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

He's a good guy, isn't he?

Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room, where he is currently fighting for his life. My god. Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved if we replace his heart with your human penis. I see. Wait, what? It's perfect.

lfyou'd stop being such an evangelical atheist,

science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that. Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!

This is bad, Marty,

A lot of people don't get that. Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!

- Good luck. - Thanks.

Yes. Yes!

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!

Oh, dear god, no.

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day.

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J,

Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T!

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us, And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.

Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back.

Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh?

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.

The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,

J, It feels good J,

You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad!

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah!

He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now.

It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know? Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain.

I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired.

You little piece of shit.

any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat.

Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend!

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up!

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here.

Come on, spit it out!

- I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim!

Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?

See? There's little R2-D2s where the George Washingtons should be. You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters.

Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison? Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is -- I'll take you to dinner. Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh!

We don't have time for mojitos. - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! This place is the worst! I want to go home! Well, it really doesn't matterwhat youwant, because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears!

Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency. It's, like, I'm trying to eat a Flimflam -- like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk. The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only,

Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed! So, what do you think? You wanna... keep this marriage going a while longer?

We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole.

Oh, hey h-hey-y! Morty, Jessica, what's up? Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer.

Well, it really doesn't matterwhat youwant, because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen?

Oh, my god,

because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am. Marty, Time to purge.

- You don't click on it? - No!

Not my fault this is happening.

J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?!

I ask you to do one thing!

My man!

but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

But you're not touching my crisper.

The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

Bring up the holograms.

I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet. They changed it in 2006, Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree?

He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low?

Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady.

We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad?

Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty,

but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge. Here we go. Holy crap! Come on, Morty. Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned.

get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets. Buh-bye. WhOops. I'm sorry, Mr. Needful. l'll clean that up, I don't know what I can do about the ghost lady that came out of it, but -- It's fine.

You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir.

Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty?

You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook. A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.

Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica.

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh?

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.

Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry.

J, Never leave me out J, RICK: Unity! Unity! Unity! How can I assist you? I want to talk to Unity, Beta Seven. I know it's in there.

Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay. You two call yourselves geniuses, but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you.

then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Marty, I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart.

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe.

A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius.

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick,

Headward, free now to rise. Oh, yes! Yes! Rise to the giant Head! You are free to be free! And squeegee comes up from the garage, right? But he's got a lobster in one hand, the movie tickets in the other, he's like, "I'm ready!" You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn. We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons.

I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back,

but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside?

Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite!

Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting!

Unh! Class dismissed. Geez.

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone?

Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern. And listen. Yes?

He's my slave. He's my slave.

I should call Bob Saget.

Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

J, How could I say goodbye? J, J, How could I say goodbye? J,

and my grandson wants the sex robot.

It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf.

J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J, Ooh! Ooh! OW!

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints.

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day!

J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh!

- What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.

Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. Fill a whole room up with them.

Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff.

Holy crap, Marty, you're right.

I guess I remember that.

Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun. Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,

Ohhhhh!

A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"?

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive.

or the battery wouldn't be broken.

Breaking news-- Shrimply Pibbles is being held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith. Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know. Do it! Do it! Remove my penis! Sir, put the gun down and step away from Mr. Pibbles!

JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her? Well, if it's any consolation, Summer, none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid. Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV,

What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera. Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12.

Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty,

to support my wife,,,

Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

How? They took my portal gun.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right. I think I'm certain we're effed in the "A." Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do?

lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Gar Ma Nar Nar,

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat. No! No! Ow!

RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god,

Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you,

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross!

What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government,

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA.

Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school?

But let's make it interesting, Marty,

Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on. All right, I'm bored. Rick, is there a way for you to call Summer and Marty?

Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character,

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that?

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

I like your feathers.

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!

you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs.

and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us, And that's it,

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina.

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever.

All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up,

See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.

Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad.

Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha!

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is,

What a waste of a monkey paw.

One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here.

I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really.

None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.

So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing?

This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch.

Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu...

Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi.

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet.

Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it, God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure.

What's that dipshit doing out there?

would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No! No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh...

J, I will make you hurt J, Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart.

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

Happy human holiday, Dad.

Why -- Why would I do that? You do that?

Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic.

GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry.

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either.

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news.

- Do you love it? - I love it.

Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels?

yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe,

We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

You're welcome.

We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,

Destroy it.

You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty, This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay.

Particle beam in a wristwatch,

It's how things should be.

Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

What does that mean?

clear communication.

Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.

Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working.

Buckle up!

Aah!

Call me, Taddi Mason.

f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

Hey, I'm notjudging. Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done.

Nice.

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car?

mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..?

Wait. Destroy it.

RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him.

What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

the movie tickets in the other, he's like, "I'm ready!"

Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate.

Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.

Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word?

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you,

Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!

Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.

Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick?

Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am? S-Samantha. Please, mister! Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it,

J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith!

And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get --

Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters -- those facts are who you are.

I cannot argue that. Aaah!

M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.

We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh!

Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,

Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it.

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J,

Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty,

Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks.

He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,

Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season.

Dad, theirwhole planet is dying. Ha! You called it a planet. Checkmate. What's up, Pluto? Mr. Smith, please tell my friend here what you just told me. Go on. My very eager mother just served us nine pickles, and the "pickles" is Pluto.

Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

Yeah! Aah!

Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat.

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God!

Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Outside? Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.

Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.

I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary.

lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay.

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay?

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick!

Oh...um... "Bitch."

That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day. You just might. W-what do you mean? These are the Jerrys whose Ricks and Mortys never came back.

This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

Can't afford to chance it.

I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants.

Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

from this day forward, human and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them, and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption. Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car?

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this.

Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait.

Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!

We weren't even supposed to be down here. Ifwe confront him about this -- Oh, my god! I love this. I love that this is how far you will go for him. You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a Lifetime original above a fucking alien dungeon! Your relationship with your father is psychotic. Oh, listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person.

I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life, you got to stop listening to yourself. Wow, You really are wise, Jerry. l-l-l guess that's why you work in advertising. The fact that you feel that way makes you the best Rick ofthem all.

Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity. lt absorbed the minds of our people. We didn't notice until it was too late.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers!

you target-chest piece of shit.

Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself.

Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister! Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!

and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored...

wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!

Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future!

Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.

Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.

You better get moving. These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work. They're not gonna last all night. I need five minutes.

Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen.

Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy.

Okay, then. That was always allowed.

What the -- aah! Aah!

Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about.

Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go. Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben.

I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing.

It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!

What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that?

nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I? So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby.

Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what. Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something.

You pass butter. Oh, my god,

Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?

Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip. Oh, hey, it's you guys!

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system."

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah! The nipple hole.

The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen.

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why? That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid.

Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back --

J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J,

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him! No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.

Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out --

Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind?

RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop.

- Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh? Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson. Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.? Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel.

Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry.

Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo! D-don't dodge the issue, Rick! Selling a gun to a hit man is the same as pulling the trigger! It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,

Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should!

W-w-w-what is it?

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

It's a good-a show!

- No. - And away we go! And away we go!

Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words?

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio.

A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older.

Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right?

Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

Aah!

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely.

What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head...

You have arrived at Krombopuios Michael, Your destination is below. We're all out of off-white Persian. Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?!

Oh! Good job, Morty.

Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!

l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa!

That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty,

Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

Now get the fuck out of here.

The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh --

Okay, things are getting out of hand.

Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season.

BLANE: Need, or want? JACEY: I've never been much forwanting. BLANE: Spoken like someone with needs. Oh, geez. Hmm? Uh, sorry. K-Keep going. "Jacey reaches out and touches his face. It's clear he needs what she wants. She's a woman. He's a man. The city burns in the background as he takes her in his arms.

Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.

Yes.

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now?

What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this.

Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. " i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins!

making you look like a party clown.

You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy?

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then--

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend.

Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous! I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds,

And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarcks. But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall?

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god.

But we do howl We do now, sucka!

What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's --

All right, that's it, We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day. Ooh, family vacation!

for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Well, Jerry I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but -- Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work.

I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it? I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart. I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.

l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

- I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later.

Let's do this thing.

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst.

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together.

gonna get a divorce? I think it's okay to dream, Marty, I'm gonna go make some wooden stakes.

That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected.

it’s "Saturday Night Live, "

55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people! Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo!

Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second! Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa!

MORTY: I gotta tell you, Rick. It's pretty great... to be in this spaceship, just the two of us, you know? Just cruising around, Rick and Marty style. I agree, Marty, It's nice to get back to the basics after a pretty intense, mixed-bag of a year. - Ohh! - Relax. That's what windshields are for. I didn't know that there were bugs out in space.

Jessica?

No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

I thought you were gonna fly right off into the street. I used to pee my pants. I know, and now look at you! You have a job. You're making really good money. You're not paying any rent, so you have plenty of disposable income. Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up, Something's gonna come through. I can feel it.

I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life? We only want Sanchez, si'r. Your family Will be fine. Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm.

Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator.

J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J,

Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.

We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything.

from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless.

Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look,

Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --

"World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. Oh, goody. From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species.

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men!

i 'm sure i ii fast unity species after species and ne ver really be complete, FEMALE PRESIDENT: But I know how It goes with us. iiose who iam and become part ofyou. Because in a strange way, you’re better at what i do without even trying Yours, and nobody eise 's, Unity.

The road your father and I walked together is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies.

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was Kitt. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain,

You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

I say give me a hand, sidekick.

You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy -- - They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir. There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians,

Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is. Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break Mom's heart. And I won't forgive you for that.

You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free. You're saying I should leave Jerry. I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation.

I refuse to send the legislation that allows more than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct. This Jan- Uary, " time to Michael down your Vincents. "Jan Quadrant Vincent 76. "

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You."

Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick.

Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs?

We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

How sophisticated.

Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?

W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty,

Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space.

There is something I wish to teach you.

- Um... - Well, now you know. You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de-do.

Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack? Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof.

Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace.

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

I like your feathers. They are designed to attract the attention of the female. It's working. Tammy, I should let you know I just got out of a highly intense soul bond with my previous spirit mate. I'm not looking to get into a soul band, I'm just looking for... I believe Birdperson can arrange that.

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.

Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds.

J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya,

Hello, Summer. Hello, Marty, It's okay. You're safe now. Unity? - Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing.

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart!

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids.

No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

I ask you to do one thing!

but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

Nice racket you got going on here. Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist.

I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own,

Now, pick up your dead self and come on.

And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.

Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.

Not a bad trade for spider peace. All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it,

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain!

I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair.

Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How?

but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell,

Aaaaaah!

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, "

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains.

I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But --

Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer.

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way!

Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!

Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?

FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing. MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air!

Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel.

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

Cynthia. . . JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her? Well, if it's any consolation, Summer,

Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty?

Hi, Frank. Aah!

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

That came out wrong, That came out very wrong, Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me. We're playing Yahtzee. Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. It's a fun game for fun families. Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second?

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help?

Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat?

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it, God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky? Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things.

Wha? Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A!

Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this!

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing!

Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice.

- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe,

Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.

Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty,

Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days.

Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out. You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship!

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl.

Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can --

q-quickly?

Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin. Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J, J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J,

Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery.

- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about,

Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty!

Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken. I am gonna go back to the room to finish my book. You should find that Lucy woman. But -- but -- You see, Jerry? May I show you something? Had everything gone as planned,

That's all you are.

Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!!

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks!

Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer?

This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty, Anything with less than eight limbs is considered disabled here.

W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty,

What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it! I'm trying! It's too late. Ladies and gentlemen... don't brace yourselves.

"We."

What are apples? Apples are food. And...when do we need food? When we're hungry. With that, I give you your new slogan! Well, say something! Do you like it?

"I prefer to keep my penis."

It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living.

W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government,

I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl!

I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch!

How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty, You're not Marty,

All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane!

The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick!

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him.

Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop -- Marty! Have you met Gearhead? - Hey, how's -- - Marty here, he -- he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds.

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!!

And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.

You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J,

They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?!

It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning!

Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty."

Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy."

Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me.

It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty!

They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am -- Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live?

Run, Marty! Run!

They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards. COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137, the council apologizes for its false accusation, and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake,

l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down!

Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices? Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is.

all the famous ones... they're gone. Dear god.

Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science. A man and his boy, making planets. Hey, how about we use a ping-pong ball for Pluto? And then Jupiter -- Uh, actually, I don't think Pluto's a planet.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before.

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board.

I really had something going there, Rick!

Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should,

Hey, uh, come here. l-l want to show you something.

In the name ofthe squanch, the six rivers, the four squanches, and the nine balls, l unite these two organisms in eternal squanch! Tammy, you may squanch your vows now. Birdperson... You are my seed, my worm, my earliness, and my lack of cats.

Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty,

That's odd. This deer's wounded. Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off.

- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it,

Yo, ding-dong, we're done here. Time to go. Well, Jerry I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but --

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

I just got bored. Everybody out.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry.

Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.

Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way. MAN: Actually, there is. Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work.

Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J,

Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting!

We -- you're a real true hero out in the field.

Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little.

SUMMER:

She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why? That poor girl. W-We have to save her.

Birdperson's big day, Marty, was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon against the Gromflamites! This? This is a losing battle. Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married!

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,

It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you.

Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high! Out of my way. The tint setting is always too high.

the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.

Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait.

I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!

l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters.

Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when yourworld is one. Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. Rick, when we met, l was a young hive mind with the population of a small town.

Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.

What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!

Big tough guy all of a sudden.

Uh, anything else.

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!

l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,

An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid. Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair,

RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot.

Beth, listen to me. You're going to get outta here. You're gonna go on, and -- Jerry, just leave the door.

I love this man!

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J,

Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks!

Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up,

Gone with the wind! Am I right?! lfyou don't like that one, Marty, an alt on that could be, like, if I said "Gasablanca"! All right, I'm done. Let's get to the Promethean Nebula, so my grandson can finish saving a life!

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me.

Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh? Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists.

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over.

Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins. I'll take two. Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty?

Aah!

Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty,

Aah! Marty, why? Why?

l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me.

A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine. Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore.

Jan Michael Vincents are used up. I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent. Is it important that we know who Jan Michael Vincent was,,, - In order to get this? - Nope. I refuse to send the legislation that allows more than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct. This Jan- Uary,

But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

- I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying. - Summer! - Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there! Why do you hate me, Summer? I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet,

J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!

Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is.

and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place.

I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting,

Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy."

you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment!

Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman.

J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho!

Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles.

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J, Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham.

Washing dishes?

Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh...

I spent some time wandering through space. Then I found this world... ...where l was better able to focus on my passion for unification. You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet.

I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Marty,

JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na,

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain.

Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.

Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke!

Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days. What is my purpose? Pass the butter.

I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life, you got to stop listening to yourself. Wow, You really are wise, Jerry. l-l-l guess that's why you work in advertising.

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.

Run! Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime. Get it? You know, 'cause it's frozen.

Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what?

Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

Just do it already.

Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit,

Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then--

Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework? Yeah -- j-just don't do it. Grandpa! Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar? Wow, Hat trick. All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich.

You're missing my symphony.

but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.

i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news.

has fast become the 6, 048th planet to ]oin the Galactic Federation. The plucky little ball of water and d/rt, which is where it gets its name, is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos.

Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong?

I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea, in the first place,

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie!

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal.

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away. Hello, Summer. Hello, Marty, It's okay. You're safe now.

This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers,

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works.

Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was Kitt. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them.

you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.

Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face!

RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on. All right, I'm bored.

This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she's a marine biologist. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers."

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them.

Pluto is... ...not a planet.

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it!

All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why? That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving.

Wait. Destroy it.

J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J,

- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry.

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk?

Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.

Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.

Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh?

We're losing him. All right, fine.

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane!

- Got it? - Got it,

Grandpa, go home and drink.

f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon? Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now.

like, sacrificed himself for me? - Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty, The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little piece of shit.

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! - Out. - Whatcha doin'? Well, I can't solve the problem my way, thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups. Gross. I might havejust touched one of Morty's loads. But maybe I can find suitable parents for Marty Jr, on this robot's home world, which is...

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was?

Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs.

Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind.

Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me!

It's fine. Everything is fine.

Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.

Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy --

But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on!

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl!

I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to?

f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry.

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same.

none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid. Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV, and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being,

Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing. MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants,

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.

I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow !

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy -- - They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?

Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery.

The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all.

Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck!

Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow!

This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.

Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you?

I'll go.

by implying /'m competitive? lfthe shoe fits. My shoe fits up your ass. You wish! RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday! JERRY: Oh! Jerk. Don't insult my father. He's the reason our kids are only half-stupid. Ha! You just called yourself -- Oh, - Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four.

Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!

List-- hey! Tw-- ow!

That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?

And, most importantly, we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves.

Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.

Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter.

Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill Wow, you sure found this guy quick, Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective. Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick,

Oh, boy, I envy you,

Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that.

You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

My -- my -- my -- my man!

What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick.

You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty?

Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance? I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. Ohh! No, Morty Jr.!

SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad! MORTY: Drive carefully! Have fun, you two. Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please.

Okay, it was about 754 years ago-, Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed!

LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry? Uh, almost. I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes. I'm sure it's good enough. Move! Every weekend, Jacks and Roses have their Titanic experience in this car, and lhave to mop it up, The floor drops out to make it easier. But now it's my turn.

The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family!

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh. Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them!

L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica.

Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter?

You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun?

Oh, my god, Oh, god,

I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

RICK: He doesn't care.

I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,

I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this.

Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity. lt absorbed the minds of our people. We didn't notice until it was too late. The people it takes over, they -- they look like your friends, your family, your leaders, but they're not themselves anymore.

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded!

Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. Well, I'm intervening.

Look, maybe the shrink was right.

The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?

Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.

What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get --

Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut? What the heck? There he is!

- Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved.

we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

You will walk when it is time to walk. What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch!

Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it,

Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter.

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

Jerry Smith? Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school. I hate acting. I hate cocaine. I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been. J, Give me a name J,

Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?!

Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop.

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer.

Aw, geez.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser. Rick, you brought me into this world,

I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun.

Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away.

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be?

I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent.

Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV, J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh!

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice.

I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh.

57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying?

What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

We will stop bombing them, and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption. Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy?

I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on?

BOTH: Tiny Rick! Okay, but if not tonight, when? I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea, in the first place, and, now, you're trying to rush it along. Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you?

You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'.

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.

Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever.

It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels?

- Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty, The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad! Uh, hold the phone. Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks?

Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over. Whoa, Dad, you can't, like,

Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose. Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky.

W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.

The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt --

Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me.

That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

Da vini Da vini Da vini Da vini J, Flu, yo. You gotta be aware J, J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J,

Rick!

Aah! Don't think about it!

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em.

Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

He's unavailable. He's... having sex with you. We get it. Grass, Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh.

Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head. If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina,

We're giving in -- to the power of the one true Marty, One day, he will return. TOGETH ER: Praise the one true Marty, Ugh. All right, Mortys, listen up, My name is Marty Smith, from Earth dimension C-137. I know you're scared, because /'m scared.

Oh, my god!

Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!

Right now.

and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful.

You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math,

Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez.

It's supposed to be romantic.

Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh.

Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother.

- Wow! Look at all this stuff. - Yeah. This is me and my grandpa Rick's sci-fi workshop. Check this out. It's beautiful. You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you. What's that, Marty? I think you're the most --

Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here.

We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us,

FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed

J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him,

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?!

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that.

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.

Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein!

Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

ALL: Ice-T?! That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it!

Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise?

This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity.

Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ.

And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army,

I don't get it.

Bomb! Bomb!

Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one.

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach.

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty!

Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.

Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary.

We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl.

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops,

Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!

You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal,

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers.

My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so.

Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now?

I got ambitions, man.

When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule! Nobody? Okay, tough church.

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison?

and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.

There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

Buckle up!

Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.

Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh?

and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --

Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what.

You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time!

Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J,

What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you,

Oh, my God, so embarrassing.

ln here.

Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.

Get your family out of here! I got this.

Ohh, I don't doubt it,

That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out!

RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s? What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?

Aah! Don't think about it!

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming,

See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one. J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J,

Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop.

Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers.

What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

Ooh, nice!

What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth.

Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.

- Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah!

I'm Scary Terry.

Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

Marty, nobody changed the planets. I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet.

I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.

You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch!

and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women?

It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones. Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my cahapes.

Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this.

l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival. Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!"

Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?

I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is,

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,

Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha!

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that.

Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth?

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Marty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers.

And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue.

Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.

I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry.

Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible.

I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure.

standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird. It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Marty,

You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty!

it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need.

Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist.

Here's another slogan right below that one. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,

I am not staring at you. I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. This is a candid shot. I don't require a camera so -- Sorry. Hi. I am not staring at you-,

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.

Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty.

Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car.

J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now. Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty? You really lucked out with Summer o-on that one. How are you guys not freaking out right now?!

Morty...

Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?"

He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me!

Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late?

Hold on.

That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged."

and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker! Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something.

They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No!

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir? - Holy hell. - Sir! Hold your fire! What's going on?

Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target. Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax.

for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married!

Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick.

So I've heard. Just fix it. I don't think the Gromflamites can track us now, but it looks like we're gonna be here for a while. Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it?

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs,

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou!

What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going...

On one of our adventures.., Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place.

Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys.

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

Where are my testicles, Summer?

I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap!

Never go in my room again.

The answer is don't think about it,

What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Outside? Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog!

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!! All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob.

You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know? You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots.

J, Everyone I know J, J, Goes away in the end J, J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J,

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars.

I'm taking the wheel.

I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me!

ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty,

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

I assume planet Squanch --

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.

Lost a little control. Probably shouldn't be piloting a hovercopter, nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals and 12 million deep fryers, but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk.

Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance? I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. Ohh! No, Morty Jr.!

Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation!

This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!

Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about?

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.

I don't know -- predictable? When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. Give me a break.

Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty,

But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy!

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

T-The red "X"! Red "X"!

We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race! Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now.

I'm sorry, Rick.

Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry!

This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!

Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass.

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible! Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats,

Show me what you got!

What's that? Who's that baby? Marty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?

I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring.

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science.

Birdperson.

J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me! Just try to relax. You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!

Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So?

Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip?

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.

H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No!

That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that. lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal.

Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long? I don't know. How long do you guys want? A week? A month?

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he?

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet,

Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!

I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck.

this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself. This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she's a marine biologist. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise.

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?

I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain the full gravity of the situation. Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her lover intact? Well, I don't thinkthat's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones.

including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!

Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god,

Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad. Let's find a control room or something.

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out.

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

It's a good-a show!

We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that?

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!

Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty! Nobody's killing me...

This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times.

My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything.

But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm --

Unity's not into other hive minds. It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven,

He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

And now the first kid is going to do something with turquoise. Which is either code for crystal meth or a gateway to it,

Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this?

The configuration of veins,

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes.

Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5,

Summer is doing really well here.

Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson.

"Cape Fear"! "Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."

"Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged."

What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said,

Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week. Unity, could you get Rick out here, please? He's unavailable. He's...

Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick! Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic!

Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves?

you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now, Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad,

"Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos.

I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society.

You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?!

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly!

How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine. Help! There is no escape, my son. We will find our peace in the next world,

Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice.

Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty,

I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason?

Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Happy human holiday, Dad.

Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives!

ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency. It's, like, I'm trying to eat a Flimflam -- like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk. The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon.

but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!

Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal?

Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty,

You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys,

Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that.

I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh.

I wish this knot was looser.

This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song,

l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?!

ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate.

My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No! Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man?

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?

Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these?

I just got bored.

Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

There's no time to squanch!

Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle,

I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself.

Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No! No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Yeah. Totally. Let's go.

Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings!

And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why?

Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god.

The nipple hole. It's beautiful.

you've just gone where ice cream is. Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break Mom's heart. And I won't forgive you for that. Where's the van, Marty? It's over the horizon in the driveway.

what you call "North" of what you call "Here." Fine. Marty, take your Fart to his hole and say your goodbyes. I'm gonna find some fuel and take a big, fat Marty, That's my new word for shit because of today's events.

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l,

He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you?

And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together. Get back!

Easy, Rick.

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack?

To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,

Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise.

No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!

- Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.

There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp.

Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.

All right, I'm gonna go to the roof and set things up, Marty, you listen to his tale. Okay. "Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story,

Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

He'll be fine. Let's go.

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh.

Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games!

you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.

Here's some porn.

Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different?

There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad? l'm ignoring you.

See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out.

We assume you are from a more primitive world, where men are still permitted to be servants. If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. He's my slave. He's my slave. He's definitely my slave. Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry.

Half of all time!

Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

you're gonna need to harness your repressed rage. I don't have any! Spoken like a person with repressed rage.

No, that's dumb.

J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

Good bye. Yeah!

fast making for a friend?

What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it! HEADS: Hooray! Yeah.

Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school.

This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow!

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.

Open fire! Aah! Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?

I am drawing a line, okay?

"Cape Fear"! "Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear." SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers!

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me!

but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn. Finally. I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline. I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born.

All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four!

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday!

All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

Oh, you know my dad once he puts his mind to something. You're spinning this to his credit? I'm going down there. - Jerry -- - Beth, this is my house, which makes this my garage, my secret hatch, my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?

ANNC)UNCER: it’s the opposite news with Michael Thompson. Hey, everybody, it’s me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn 't get killed. He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba. in other opposite news, information. . .

Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why?

J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!

You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves. We killed a vampire anda gym teacher. Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha!

Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt.

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter? Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention. To a conversation about vampires?! Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires, because I wasn't paying attention, which you would know,

you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep.

wacky scientists, you know?

and your solution is to shoot the audience?

Hold onl

You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer!

Aah! My leg is shot off!

it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters. And then a giant tornado came. And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear.

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em. Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone. No, no, no, no. Rotary. And pay phone on half. That'll keep 'em busy for a while.

I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty?

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man!

MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth.

Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

Shhh.

Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now,

What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?!

I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty. Jerry, what are you -- what are you doing in here? I'm trying to find our weed whacker, 'cause our weeds are wack, yo. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here.

But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real.

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train?

J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J, J, Goes away in the end J,

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards. COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137,

Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.

J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man!

Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all.

Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared?

- Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide. Well, you can hide with us, Rick? - Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge?

Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here!

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.

J, I hurt myselftoday J, f woman speaking gibberish ] For English, press 2 [ beep) Connecting to agent. W O M A N ', Ongoing investigations. Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez,

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline. All right, Rick, look -- how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us,

l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance!

- Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay.

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?

They blew up,

Son of a,,,

A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going?

The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty,

This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people,

Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery.

That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together.

a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other.

Hey, there.

l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here. You can have this back. You didn't use it?

Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most. Males... ...they get to play outside.

Ohh! He's asking if Tiny Rick will be here. Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob!

someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick,

which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you.

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

You know, i take personal space pretty seriously,

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box?

Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

He's a real piece of shit.

MORTY: What the hell?

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!

This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply.

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!

- I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen.

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday!

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed. Forget about the park, doctor! How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy?

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away. Why not? I don't know. lt's Indian giving. A sophisticated predator, nature 's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill,

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96.

Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.

...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet! I'm an idiot, and I love my son.

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh...

to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl. Gee, thanks, Brad. I throw balls far. You want good words? Date a languager. JERRY: Try not to worry about it, Marty, You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. You're missing the point, Dad.

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be?

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die?

Was I one ofthose guys? The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards, Well... I got you pregnant.

Wow ! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty, You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop, You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick.

Stop screwing around. There we go. Much better. Now we can see. Great. Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car.

Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,

Yes.

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.

So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J,

Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay.

It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert! Ohhhhh!

I think I know what the "A" in NASA stands for. - Dad, what's your endgame? - Ain't no game, sucka. Why don't we just make the solar system with eight planets? It's even easier. Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round? Science isn't always easy, Morty. Whoa! Whoa!

Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos.

That's slavery. It's society.

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we --

LINCOLER: Please, stop!

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick!

Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

How are we gonna get back home?

Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling.

is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move!

Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone!

W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people! Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo! D-don't dodge the issue, Rick!

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough.

I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No!

Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,

Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite!

I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry!

Neglect that deer. Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of of elk, moose, deer, and stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends.

No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy! Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad,

Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"!

Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck.

- Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders,

Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity. lt absorbed the minds of our people. We didn't notice until it was too late.

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this.

Delivery for Rick. Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry. Gross. What is that thing? It's a courier flap.

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,

Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school. Owl, Oof! Ugh! Damn it!

Quite an operation you got going here, Une. You're a whole planet now, huh?

I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged.

W-we're going on a quest, okay? RICK: Can't wait. Ahem. Excuse me! We are two humble heroes in search of adventure! Oh, my God, so embarrassing. At last! Two heroes! You must help us! This village is terribly poor, yet the giant that lives in the clouds above has untold treasures!

Slow down! My man!

We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline.

Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?!

J, Don't leave me J,

but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself.

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty,

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream?

Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy? Summer, you're a bad person. All you care about is having popular people like you.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m--

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

You son of a bitch! Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here.

Well, maybe you're right.

Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

Shh! I hear something.

E, Coli outbreak.

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.

J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine!

Quite an operation you got going here, Une. You're a whole planet now, huh? After we broke up, I spent some time wandering through space. Then I found this world... ...where l was better able to focus on my passion for unification. You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up,

- Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah!

Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character. Please don't. Oh, Well, when did this stop being Jamba Juice? I've just recently opened for business,

God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty,

I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human.

W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.

In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim!

Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak, more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs -- one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory.

Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick?

My man!

What the fuck did you do, Summer?!

Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away!

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses.

Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!

Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J,

See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

Oh, geez.

Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty,

Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what.

Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally. Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected.

SU M M ER: Wow. We are so screwed. Rick, wake up, Huh? What? Wait? What? Stop. Rick, you got to do something quick. My parents are home. Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good.

That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry.

Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

Well, terrific. Dad, what's going on? What's the deal here? I just wanted to spend some time with my daughter. You're growing up so fast. You used to be my little girl. Yeah. Remember when we used to go to the playground, and I'd push you on the swings? Oh, you could push me higher than all the other kids.

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now,

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes,

Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed.

We got, uh, one game. We got a Whole bunch of games here. You can -- we got Chabos and Flobos, and you can shoot thingsl Get over here! Play the games! Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets! "Ro y 2"just got here. Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world,

What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god,

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

Get him out here now, I don't think he wants to be -- - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick! I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage! What the hell is your problem? Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh. See you,

Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds. They're -- they're incredibly powerful,

but hey, I'm walkin' here!

Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right!

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run...

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little.

Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go. Well, terrific. Dad, what's going on? What's the deal here? I just wanted to spend some time with my daughter. You're growing up so fast. You used to be my little girl. Yeah. Remember when we used to go to the playground, and I'd push you on the swings?

I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together. Get back! Wait, for real?

Open fire! Aah!

Okay, good.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top,

Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut?

- JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine. Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake.

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer.

The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go! Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually.

And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks.

Now she's a marine biologist. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice.

Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.

I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity?

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing.

All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you?

But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage. JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened?

Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.

Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior.

Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

- Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing.

Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126? Uh, I'm not sure. Marty, Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket. - What?! - Way to go, Marty, Eh, whatever. - Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.

Race war!

but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name.

while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal?

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom.

What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy! Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete,

J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child.

Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own? I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off, how would they find their butt person again? I don't know, Summer. I can't even hear the TV, All right, that's it,

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know,

Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!

...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass. Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J, J, lt's schwifty time today J, Hmm.

I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad!

Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife. So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes.

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science,

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa.

They're robots! Aah!

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

Poor little Rickless bastards.

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. ..

Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire!

Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head!

This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing?

Great. Nice work, Morty.

Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot.

Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that. lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself.

Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?!

Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty,

I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it,

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud.

She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land.

we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!! Hey. Uh...

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?

I would be so furious with you right now. Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty? You really lucked out with Summer o-on that one. How are you guys not freaking out right now?! T-The whole house is sitting in another dimension! l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine.

Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here!

Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.

I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them.

I can do whatever you do and more, baby. You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop.

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened,

All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families.

Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster! - I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying.

Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?

Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?

Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system -- I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick.

I was kind of hoping that I could get a selfie with you? Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse, Understood. D-i-i-i-i-ie! Oh, no, no, no! Why didn't heturn into a snake? Trade secret, Mr. President.

Or maybe there's only one deceiver here -- The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other. Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick,

Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick.

God, I feel terrible. Yep, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the Universe can be.

ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking. Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally -- we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh?

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage.

I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart.

Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time,

And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios, lthink. lcan’t-- l’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock because i can 't see anything. Our prices, lhope, aren 't too low Check out this refrigerator, only $200. What about this microwave F Only , 100, That's fair. l’m Ants in My E yes johnson, E verything's black.

I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me.

lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one.

It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals. Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job! Seize them! Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer? This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man!

Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

It's getting weird.

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this!

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.

Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

You're fired. Wha--

Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um --

Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it, Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume,

You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from? My -- my -- my grandpa Rick sent me! Poncho! That's quite enough.

MORTY: Oh! Oh! Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people.

You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you. Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

Yeah, baby! Aaaah! Grandpa Rick, where are we going? Well, obviously, Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar? Ticketmaster.

Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here? Okay, Jerry. Let's head home. I can't leave now. Everyone hates me. Unfortunately, there's no surgical procedure that can fix that.

it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick,

RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions.

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store?

Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man!

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me.

Marty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Marty,

once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.

Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,

l have a rare antique- coin collection!

no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.

Ooh, family vacation! Did you get any of that?

Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator.

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, It's still raining up here J,

fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue.

Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit.

Okay, thanks for clarifying.

Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from?

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up! Hold it! Don't move! Stay back! This watch turns people into snakes! Oh!

Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry. This aftershave made women want me,

Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect. Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? Yes, we discovered a species oftiny pig off the coast of New Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west.

This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff,

Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you.

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets,

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was --

Oh, no!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Give us one second.

Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone,

Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store?

l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

- I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too.

Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

I'm sure it's good enough. Move!

Go change.

He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb.

She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty.

Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird.

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch!

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch!

When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson. Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six. Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!

Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six.

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Yes, Morty?

Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh!

but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all. What's that? Who's that baby?

To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a --

Okay, yeah, fine.

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!

Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve,

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God.

Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Wait for us! There's only room for one more.

Wait. What? Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine. And if not, like you say, no more adventures or whatever. It's like that old song "Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop." Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody?

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator.

Oof! Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers. Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick!

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought...

we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.

What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside! You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!

is it a bad time? Are all present life forms assimilated? Beta Seven, this is my single-minded friend from Earth, Rick. Rick Sanchez. Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ.

And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it. With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice. What in the hell?

Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right.

Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop,

You did it, Beth. You really nailed it, You're a surgeon -- a human surgeon. Yay, you win.

I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh, Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!

I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa. I love you, too, Terry.

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives.

You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only!

Show me what you got. I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty, Uh, where? The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.

You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense!

How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you? Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad.

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus.

but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh?

Whoo, baby! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them?

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous!

Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa.

Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.

God damn it! God damn it!!

Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy. You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a --

Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff,

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite.

- Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer. I'm scared, Rick. Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons, like that show "Doomsday Preppers." Not really my style, Marty,

There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically.

it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy. Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV,

Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh! If you 're from Earth, that means we’re getting married! Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson! What the hell is a Birdperson? He's Rick's best friend. Uh, l-let's not get carried away, Marty, Would you like to RSVP or send a gift? No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,

I remember the first time I saw her.

...scare Scary Terry.

What's your problem? They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads.

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Here, look at my eyeholes.

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

We assume you are from a more primitive world, where men are still permitted to be servants. If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. He's my slave. He's my slave. He's definitely my slave. Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us!

You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me,

So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm -- I know everything about everything?

But sometimes, plans need a helping paw,

Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

Aah! Unh!

The Mega trees?

I'm a fraud.

Opium addict.

- English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back -- back w-w-w-when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps. Oh, boy, Morty.

J, I can't be the same thing to you now J, J, I'm just gone J,

Jerry!

Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you! J, These memories that we have J,

We're Jerrys. I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed. Marty, take the wheel! Whoa! Whoa! Geez! Damn it, Morty!

I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!

Hold on.

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly,

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

"World peace achieved." Nice.

These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?!

MAN: Actually, there is. Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke."

We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time.

Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible.

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee!

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6:00 pm, so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children.

But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are.

Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream,

Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet?

The plot thickens.

Did you get any ofthat?

Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?!

Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse.

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.

Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar.

Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty,

What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty,

Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being, I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality.

I-I'm sorry, Jacob. I-I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and origin of your relationship with my parents. Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son. Now, wait. Th-there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared 40 years of each other, mind,

RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all.

Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill. Whoa! Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop,

which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.

Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.

SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing.

That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.

That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare!

Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty!

What do you know?

- What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips.

Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it, and how do we spend the rest of it? What are we going to be when we die -- A list of fears and questions or a collection of real experiences?

He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am -- Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody?

MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off.

Oh shit.

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,

Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters. And then a giant tornado came. And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear. A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes.

it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.

You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him! No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.

Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.

I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

"Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, ...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass. Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J,

She's a woman. He's a man. The city burns in the background as he takes her in his arms. Fade out. Title -- 'The End'... question mark." Wow, Yeah? lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it? Of course I did. You didn't laugh at the scene in the bar. l...thought it was funny, but I wanted to hear the rest.

MORTY: Oh! Oh! Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people.

J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the...

Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now!

Did you get any ofthat?

The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now.

Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when yourworld is one. Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker.

You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible.

it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer.

First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow.

A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry?

J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky?

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops,

It was?

Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally -- we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan!

Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad,

- My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.

Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist.

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff. Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well?

Beth, listen to me. You're going to get outta here. You're gonna go on, and -- Jerry, just leave the door. It's not a door, Beth. It's debris.

This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide?

Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,

J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J, The end.

the council apologizes for its false accusation, and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,

My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

No! No! Ow!

Hey, Marty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger?

RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

- Am I me? - Am I talking right now?

iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on! Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go!

and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new -- Those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage! Do you mean this? Summer for for the win. All right, that should do it, Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself. Whoa! Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time. Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long?

Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

in other opposite news, information. . . Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side ofthe screen like that? I don't know, Marty, See what else is on, huh? Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. " i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.

Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

the edge.

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise.

JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!

Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.

Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?!

Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas,

What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it! I'm trying! It's too late. Ladies and gentlemen... don't brace yourselves.

Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina.

This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever,

Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though,

We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool.

Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes.

A price for everything. Oh, my god!

What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles!

l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place. Here we go.

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?

- Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome.

Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out. Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on!

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick! Yeah, yeah.

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic.

lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply.

Oh, my God, he exploded!

Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please?

These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty! Okay, well, sometimes,

Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box.

Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

- Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh!

Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind. I love you.

J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works.

Summer!

Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up?

Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school. Owl, Oof! Ugh! Damn it! I'm all right. I'm okay. All right, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is?

I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"?

Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir?

The galactic government considers us terrorists.

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important --

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep.

J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion.

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.

I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me?

Hit the sack, Jack.

Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did,

Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch!

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it,

All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go.

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain.

Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card. She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient?

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How?

I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan!

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah!

That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

See that planet right there? Don't fly too close to that planet. Someone will come out and try to wash your windshield. Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry!

Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything.

Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick. Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up!

Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket.

I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right?

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor.

RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty,

Don't you want to make sure people know what they're getting? You're not intentionally selling... Beauty cream that makes ugly ladies pretty but also makes them blind? I find this all quite preposterous. Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh !

Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you.

Marty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay! What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside! You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?!

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great.

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland. Shut up. Here, put these on.

He's saying "I love Obama." So cute!

An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe.

No, "Telepathy."

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?

Squanch this, mo-Fo.

you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened.

That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense.

Break the cycle, Marty,

Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math.

FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army,

- Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome.

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this!

What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him?

Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery.

You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves.

You stupid bitch.

You're the man ofthe house, and you don't have a job. Delivery for Rick. Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry. Gross. What is that thing? It's a courier flap. It's like the intergalactic version of UPS, but less off-putting. Oh, shiiit! It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson. Must be time for his annual Oscar party.

It is un-unsinkable. Ooh!

Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What?

Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.

Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No!

Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right. All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium...

Wait, w-where is that music coming from?

Diseases? Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!

- ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless.

Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,

Science isn't always easy, Morty. Whoa! Whoa! What the hell?!

Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever.

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here.

- Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around.

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am.

And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone.

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.

Have you ever been to a pizza contest?

Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what?

The thing. The thing.

Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many.

Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris!

It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box?

Marty!

Oxygen-rich atmosphere.

Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers!

Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh?

Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, "

You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty?

Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space,

So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuffthem down and -- Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting. Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go.

undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right.

Marty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah! Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now, calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah!

Grandpa, go home and drink.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.

The E-Arth relationships are simpler.

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me.

I'll just...get to the pitch. Um, simple question, gentlemen, what are apples? Excuse me. Ahh, What are apples? Apples are food. And...when do we need food? When we're hungry.

Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.

Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute.

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback!

It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no. I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em.

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer.

fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today,

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you. Jerry, it's your house -- whatever you say it is is how it is -- but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door.

I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum.

That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa. I love you, too, Terry. Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah!

Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for 20 minutes. He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap.

Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!!

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in.

Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off.

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What? For real?

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three.

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J,

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Wobble gobba lop bops! Right?

Us?!

Silence!

I'm peeing all over your special guns.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!

This is infinite TV from infinite universes.

There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light.

I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit?

And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night.

Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it!

I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't.

undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.

but I live in it, Shit!

Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases?

We understand genocide. We do it sometimes.

I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday!

Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty!

Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa. I love you, too, Terry. Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.

I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats.

Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone.

You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense! Or maybe there's only one deceiver here --

You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. " Holy crap. I am winning a nobel prize. Come on. Time's up. I'm taming a lion. No, wait. There are film cameras. I might be a lion tamer in a movie. You get the idea. I work with lions.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam!

Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast. [ trifling f All right, l’m not gonna get him. [just learned a real valuable lesson. l’m coming, Babylegs,

Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world,

J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole.

Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. Oh, goody. From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species. One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god.

What? Dumb. Bye. But Rick, Summer's just -- Summer's just a hyper-emotional, needy little -- what's the word I'm looking for here? Uh...human. It runs in the family. I can tolerate it, but I can't give a crap about it. Take a hike. Take care of yourself, Unity.

And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly.

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!

And then a giant tornado came. And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear. A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes.

- Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb!

Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown! I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly.

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.

but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!

Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ. Beta Seven, if my allies are a problem for you, perhaps our alliance is, as well. Our alliance is beneficial. When Beta Seven expresses concern, it -- it's only be-because -- RICK: Oh, snap! Powdered neutronium? Amphetetron?

Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose?

W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs?

lt's... G-Good job. Good job.

Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination.

Rick, keep a level head, okay?

What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves!

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him.

Which is either code for crystal meth or a gateway to it, So we didn't do the kids any favors. So we should stay together for each other and ourselves, or... Or,,, Man, woman, and now Trunkman?

All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here.

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle. Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones?

Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind.

J, Let me out, set me free J, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J, J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J,

I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry,

Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying.

Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy,

A list of fears and questions or a collection of real experiences? Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing. Then Jacob came into our lives, and...we're learning to live again. All three of us, Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?

Regular pancakes are fine.

And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Then I better crunch the numbers.

Stop interrupting! The knives will --

now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world,

Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com.

Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad.

- What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots?

Assemble the troops. I've made a decision. Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak,

Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes. And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios, lthink. lcan’t-- l’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock because i can 't see anything.

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.

J, There's still fountains down there J, J, Look on down from the bridge J,

Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh.

57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.

How did this happen?

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow!

to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!

Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? Mmm! Oh, boy, Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers." I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough.

Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children!

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS!

Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again?

Oh, my god!

Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.

All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you.

That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd.

Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!

Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.

J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame. My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey...

My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean?

When he was, let's see, like, 18, she was literally in there in yourwomb. Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart,

J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J, J, I want it real J, J, Run away with me now J, J, I want it real J,

Rick!

Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!

Are you tired of the same daily droii? Well, get on over to Blips and Chitz! We got, uh, one game. We got a Whole bunch of games here. You can -- we got Chabos and Flobos, and you can shoot thingsl Get over here! Play the games! Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets! "Ro y 2"just got here.

Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh...

I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too. RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space.

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn. Finally. I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline. I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born. That came out wrong, That came out very wrong, Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me.

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time.

Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done.

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad!

l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god!

Mein journey is over, Marty,

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity. But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny.

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.

I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?

W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

What the fuck is going on?

You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault.

No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl. Oh, Jacob. I-I'm sorry, Jacob.

I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J, J, And everything is one in the beauty J,

Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry.

Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to?

Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song!

I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots?

J, But we make sure they see the sun J, J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty,

You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well.

We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man.

- SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?

Marty, crack the window.

Now I'm hooked.

BETH: So, Dad, guess what tomorrow is, Martin Luther King Jr/s birthday. No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

Fine, whatever. Marty, stay. Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay!

Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J,

Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!

You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.

There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary.

What are the kitties to do but buckle together and work as a team F Mrs. Sullivan, l -- please, forgive me for being forward, but your eyes are so beautiful. Wait. This is an actual movie? This fall, sparks Will fly... Mrs. Sullivan. Ohh.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

All this time, you've been thinking, "what ifthat loser, Jerry, hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" - Um... - Well, now you know. You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de-do. You'd also be drinking wine alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart. You thought about getting an abortion?

- Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now! Grandpa Rick, I like working here. You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes! So what if he's the devil, Rick? At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.

Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.

the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy --

And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom.

A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty!

What is my purpose? You pass butter.

Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it, and how do we spend the rest of it? What are we going to be when we die -- A list of fears and questions or a collection of real experiences? Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing.

Look at -- look at this.

He's saying "I love Obama."

Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough. Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch!

J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!

What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica.

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels.

We can go into detail later, son.

Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah! Grandpa Rick, where are we going?

Ugh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Ugh! Oh, Rick. That was so bad. What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors.

But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What?

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship.

J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son!

Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve. Yawn.

- I'm in heaven right now. - The best day of my life. So, now what do we do?

Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.

Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist!

That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen.

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!

We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.

Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older. What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds.

Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit.

Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Nancy told us what a bitch you are.

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes.

You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote. MAN: Well, " omcial.

I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension.

Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you?

Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat...

These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself.

Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea -- bad pitch -- let's put your Dad here. Let's put your Dad in a nursing home. We're losing him. Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps! There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay.

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it.

undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

Never go in my room again. I didn't!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering -- No, l'll G-- I'll get your info from Summer.

Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty,

Hey, Tiny Rick's playing guitar. All right, everybody. This next one's coming straight from the heart. Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head. J, Let me out J, J, What you see is not the same person as me J, J, My life's a lie J,

SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.

Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is.

It's how things should be. It's how they could be.

you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th, Deal. All right. W-well, come on, let's get going. Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. Washing dishes? No. The opposite. Can you fix it?

Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them. Assemble the troops. I've made a decision.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem?

Da,

Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist.

Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you?

you're no better than the men whose farts shall remain unspoken. And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute. Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft so they may head back to theirweird planet, where women are kind of equal but not really. Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls.

Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --

Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad.

I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.

Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer? This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy.

20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being,

Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery.

He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before.

We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.

Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race!

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap! Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith.

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you.

Hey! Don't! Please! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god! Now, I know I've said, in the past, that math is important -- And it is! -- But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty, who I hear had a great party last night.

Marty?

I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty,

Rick!

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home!

Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down.

We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, "

They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

J, You could have it all J, Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. J, My empire of dirt J, J, I will let you down J,

Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else.

A whole world populated by intelligent dogs.

I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster.

lt's S-S-S-Summer!

Birdperson.

Jesus.

Fuck yeah, man.

Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay. You two call yourselves geniuses, but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree.

It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,

but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it,

Plutonians. Jerry Smith is a scientist from Earth, where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop --

Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Aw, Thank you.

Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run!

Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute.

J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick!

Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?

this animal can't be transferred until the current attending physician verbally confirms their inability to provide adequate care.

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories.

Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it.

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that,

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

That's my new word for shit because of today's events.

So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on Fundamentals of Fear. Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific?

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor.

No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Oh, my go--

I got this.

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else.

My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best.

Would you like to ride the bone train? Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go! Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot.

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines --

Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real.

' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Come here.

God, whatever, Rick.

What the hell?! I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?

can you assimilate a giraffe? You're the worst! No, you're the worst! You don't support this family! All you care about is yourself! You think supporting the family is about supporting you emotionally... you've got two children being dragged across the cosmos ...because it's never enough, Jerry! ...by your dangerously ill father! And you force me to watch it happen... ...because you'd rather lose them and lose me... ...it's like to be afraid of losing anything 'F'

We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No!

- Aaaah! - Holy --

No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Yeah. Totally. Let's go. You will walk when it is time to walk.

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands!

Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah.

His subconscious is panicking. Run!

God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it,

Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do --

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now. Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty? You really lucked out with Summer o-on that one.

Marty! Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty,

It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved?

Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.

ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Oh, real nice. Real nice. How does a man do this without me noticing? Oh, you know my dad once he puts his mind to something. You're spinning this to his credit? I'm going down there. - Jerry -- - Beth, this is my house,

Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly.

Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in,

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it.

l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here.

As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez. That's odd. This deer's wounded. Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun.

MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey!

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,

I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage.

Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me.

Titanic- themed getaway.

Get out! Get out!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

My name is... Alexand--

but it also made me impotent! A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed!

You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun?

No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!

The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations!

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

Buh-bye. WhOops. I'm sorry, Mr. Needful. l'll clean that up, I don't know what I can do about the ghost lady that came out of it, but -- It's fine. Summer, you know, your grandfather's right. This store curses people. That's my business. Well, yeah. Fast-food gives people diabetes,

That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

Ow!

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you!

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J, All right. Let's proceed.

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,.,

including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death!

You would? Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, But, uh... we can't. Absolutely not. I'm s orry '2 We've been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us,

I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying.

We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

lwish your mother was here to eat them.

Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, man. I cannot wait -- I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone. Jerry, stop, please, okay?

Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?

Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed. Forget about the park, doctor!

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles!

Unity's not into other hive minds. It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.

How you feel?! Why is everything always happening to you?! Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.

Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry. W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.

Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell?

I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted?

Where'd you come from?

If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.

Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com.

And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still.

Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

I am here if you need to talk.

All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one's bigger. This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob!

Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll, Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien...

Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news.

All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room where none ofthe people whose stuff I stole can get to us, Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples.

Because he's dead, too!

Now, for the love of god, be quiet. The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy. You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice.

If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying.

Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed!

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!

and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m--

I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you?

Scary stuff, huh? Pretty freaky. Hi. I'm Morty's math teacher. I'm also part ofthe street team inviting folks to the church downtown so we can pray together. How is praying going to help? Ma'am, a giant head in the sky is controlling the weather. Did you want to play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house!

But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy!

If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10!

and they love your Dad telling everyone Pluto's a planet because that means they can keep mining until Pluto goes from planet to asteroid to meteor, and finally... poof. Um, a party? ls everyone in your family an idiot?

this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.

so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never!

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that.

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer.

Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick. We'll have two Bloogies, please.

W-w-w-where we running ta?

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way.

Concentrate, Morty.

You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it.

Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns? Yes.

Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!"

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Oh, my god, Are those...

- Get out. - Um, what?

I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.

I'm a genius.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

- Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!

But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer.

We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Marty? Suck my dick!

What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,

They work for each other, Marty,

You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry.

Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out,

naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill --

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes!

It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there.

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

- Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen.

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha!

Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

Proceed to the liver. ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat... ...liven Ow! ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick. RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge.

Class dismissed.

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know?

The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them!

ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is...

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs. Hey, there. Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill Wow, you sure found this guy quick,

- Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me? Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes.

Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around.

I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath.

- don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

Was I supposed to think the poop bunny left them?

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,

He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here,

Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Oh!

He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help.

You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable.

Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse,

We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir.

Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe.

You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.

Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick -- almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.

Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better.

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

This aftershave made women want me,

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

String Theory, World History, the Human Genome --

He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still.

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld.

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it.

Well, w-what did you think, Marty? Life just developed on Earth by itself? Here, let me take care of this. Geez, Rick, that's disgusting. I don't wanna look at that. Yeah, guess I'm out of fluid. L-Let me find a place to stop. Hey, muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet,

but you can't run from your youth J,

You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected.

Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here.

What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.

Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.

- Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty?

- You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.

Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

Wow, What do you know? Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg.

But now it's my turn. We're going to get it nice and steamy in there, and I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint, and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean. Beth! Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now.

Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

W-we get our family and portal out of here! Marty, good music comes from people who are relaxed. Just hit a button, Marty! Give me a beat! Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,

Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?

Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

Hold on, sir. Just a minute. lce-T survived. He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours.

W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god,

Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school.

Yes, siree!

Thank you, Seattle.

J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody.

because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting.

All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean?

Ugh! Arrgghh! Ah! Uhhhhh! Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that...

Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware.

Pluto is... ...not a planet.

Living in perfect peace. Oh, I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a yearwhere you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence. That's right. What?! It's like "The Purge," Marty, That movie "The Purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time.

Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Uh, sir? There's not a problem. What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it!

I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone. Jerry, stop, please, okay? We weren't even supposed to be down here. Ifwe confront him about this -- Oh, my god! I love this. I love that this is how far you will go for him. You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a Lifetime original above a fucking alien dungeon!

J, I love Marty J,

Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane.

- Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up?

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty!

"Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this.

My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.

Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no?

Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.

Then I'll take one of those. I don't need the rest. God, whatever, Rick.

You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty,

"We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!

That's Jack and Fabrizio. This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened,

Everybody stop remembering!

Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion.

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded!

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

Thank you very, very much. Great store. Great place. Bye.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity,

Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day. You just might. W-what do you mean? These are the Jerrys whose Ricks and Mortys never came back. They live here now. Uh,

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

"Dada."

All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back!

What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

This serum should counteract the negative effects.

I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people!

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

Hold on.

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty,

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood.

Dad, there he is! Oh, god, Hey, stop that! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad!

the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared 40 years of each other, mind, body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door, it's an invitation to let go of the body and an opportunity to share and experiment.

Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa!

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it.

Well, well, well. Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty,

And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter. Full disclosure, Marty -- it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.

Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work,

Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing. Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean.

No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.

I would love to see it,

Oh, shit, motherfucker!

Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy.

"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!

Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

We're going to get it nice and steamy in there, and I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint, and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean. Beth! Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now.

Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue. Really? You're looking real good. Oh, my god. - Hey, Marty, - Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica. So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...? No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school.

And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, "

All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it.

Hey, Rick. I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out? Whatever.

Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever.

I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play.

Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery. You're welcome. RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick!

What is my purpose?

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!

I love you. [processing, powering up f

What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual.

Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! Dad, I'm so confused!

- What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away.

There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system -- I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick. I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty,

That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves Alan Jefferson or something like that. It's crazy, right?

I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake.

I'm only a human being, Marty, Rick, tell Summer she can't have a party! Uh, Summer, you can't have a party. Because I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't! What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that.

We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally.

All right, let's go. MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.

Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face."

This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!?

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy.

This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two."

Can you blame him?

- Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight.

The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older. What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh...

He is the one true Marty! Hooray! The one true Marty! Hey, keep it down!

I didn't peg Lucy for a rapist. What does a rapist look like exactly, Beth? Is it a Slavic man wearing a denim jacket with a patchy beard and the scent of cheap champagne waiting over his blister-pocked lips? What?

Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures?

I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!

I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together.

But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad!

So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

Whoo, baby! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit!

It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary.

Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg. Just kind of hard to believe, you know?

which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.

Here comes another funny.

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty,

All right. There's six of us, and that's it,

Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

Does -- d-does that scan?

Let me try something.

lt's -- it's disgusting.

Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together.

Jerry?

Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no.

J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing. Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What?

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?

You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's.

Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal? Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god,

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Let's go, go, go, go!

All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!

Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela? Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"?

Thank you, Fido.

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick!

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her.

You have arrived at Krombopuios Michael, Your destination is below. We're all out of off-white Persian.

Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

- Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting.

A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!

Fine. Sheesh.

Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer.

Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No!

I'm not going to fit. Beth, listen to me. You're going to get outta here. You're gonna go on, and -- Jerry, just leave the door. It's not a door, Beth. It's debris. I don't care. Just leave it, Yeah. Okay.

You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie!

Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science.

Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new.

Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination!

More are coming.

BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is,

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.

GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you,

Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch?

Unbelievable.

Yeah. Totally. Let's go. You will walk when it is time to walk. What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he?

It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes. Oh, my Gad,

Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally. Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!

I'm starving.

BLANE: Maybe I don't need a new friend. JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need. BLANE: Need, or want?

Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith. When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule!

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

I'll be in the garage. J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J,

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes.

l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye.

What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me?

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob.

Since when do you have a job? Since last week. lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character. Please don't.

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,

Oh, thank God, Morty.

Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes! Summer's gonna like me again. Lincoler, come on! Let's get out of here! Mein journey is over, Marty,

Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

I wish this knot was looser. Come on.

Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!

Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car.

We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this!

You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one. Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad, and let's get this dumb universe rolling.

You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

Death!

Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.

I don't want to go to the dance alone.

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.

Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy,

See you, Uh, Rick, I think we should allgo. Tend to your garden, kids. I'm kind of doing a thing here. Whoo! Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you, Oh, my god, you guys. I get it. You're afraid the big, bad hive mind is gonna steal your grandpa away. Actually, no. I think Unity's great and you're a horrible influence on it.

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know?

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta,

l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

Oh, my God!

How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about?

Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh!

- What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.

Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming.

What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. There you are, Marty,

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt.

Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after,

That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car?

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name.

Aah! Unh!

You don't care about me at all! I'm no different than that jacket you've got on! Y-Y-Y-- o-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! l-l-l'm just an object! Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Marty, Now, for the love of god, be quiet.

Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty,

Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah!

Oh, I get it, Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back. Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables. What are you talking about? All this time, you've been thinking, "what ifthat loser, Jerry, hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" - Um... - Well, now you know. You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de-do.

Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw. Mr. Needful, how could you even think of doing something so horrible? I'm the devil. What should I do when I fail -- get myself an ice cream? You haven't failed.

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this?

God damn it.

Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system. That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out.

it’s polite, " right, and " Sneezy, Deezy Mc... Deluxe. l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer.

I'm going inside. I guess this is what rock bottom feels like, Jerry. Ow! It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time.

you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions.

Jesus.

REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many.

This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics.

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!

J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, J, Damn right, and I'll do it again, 'cause I am nice so I gots to win J, J, Break bread with the enemy J, J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with, l'll break who you -- J,

Here, let me take care of this. Geez, Rick, that's disgusting. I don't wanna look at that.

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah!

So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures?

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation.

Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey!

You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?

I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions.

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom.

To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Oh, my god! Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk? Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut? Uh, l'm...not sure. Exactly. Show me what you got!

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh. Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here? I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked. Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it.

So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe.

I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch? Jerry, I believe that, if you hide by yourself, you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right.

lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it?

Annnd during that time,

Y-Y-Y-- o-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! l-l-l'm just an object! Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Marty, Now, for the love of god, be quiet. The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy.

Later.

Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

How dumb are you?

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?!

I can send the beacon, and your sister can launch our package. Just remember, ifthere's people in there and they try to purge us, we got to purge them first. We're not purging anyone, Rick, all right? W-Will you stop it? Marty, if we're gonna survive tonight, you're gonna need to harness your repressed rage. I don't have any! Spoken like a person with repressed rage.

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow!

Disqualified!

Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know? I mean, who knows what -- what if somebody breaks something?

Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick.

but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,

I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery. What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack?

1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But --

Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,.,

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J,

Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here.

Please! Please don't kill me!

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship.

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me. All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud. Oh, man, Rick! W-w-w-where we running ta? Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it,

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest.

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J,

Ow!

and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now?

Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty,

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J,

You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. There you are, Marty, Listen to me.

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather. Out of my way.

Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance?

Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys? L-I-Iet me turn it up, tn the news today, this tooks a tot worse than it is. We ’re reallyjust having a good time. Karen F Thanks, Todd, Up next, are you a concerned grandchild or fast a buzzkill? We W te// you how you can know for sure. I think you two are a little outnumbered. Okay, well, what if you did it for me?

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker!

MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land. Too fast.

ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options,

J, Lay it, lay it down J,

Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two.

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes.

Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp-- I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "

Can he have visitors? He'd like to be alone. He told me to tell you he's sorry you didn't have bad memories of him? lfyou love him, you should leave.

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal?

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?

Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't.

- He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it! BOTH: Shut up! Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week.

You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad! Uh, hold the phone. Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle.

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks!

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay! What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got. JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America, welcome to our Ad Agency. I'm Jerry Smith.

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty,

MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!

God, I feel terrible. Yep, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the Universe can be. One minute you're falling off a roof for six months, the next minute, bam! Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under -- Uh, what? It was your job, Marty, - Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer. I got to back the "M" bomb on this one.

but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time.

Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father.

Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon? Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty,

Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

Alexand--

Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different!

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that. Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose.

Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.

Just don't hurt me!

What? Why?

Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me! Just try to relax. You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!

I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me.

I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?

once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin.

Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha!

1,2,3.

Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal.

It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat?

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here.

Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.

Don't do it,

while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal? Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop.

For how long?

So who's homesick? By applause.

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you.

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty,

I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't!

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today.

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical?

I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other.

Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal!

And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life. GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret.

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

l-l-l understand.

What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator.

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him?

Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars.

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy.

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three.

You know what? Screw it! I have a better gamble for you guys. I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you,

Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm.

No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

Uh, morning, Frank.

Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters -- those facts are who you are. So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is.

Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

- Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. We will give you passage back home so it can be terminated. But first, mojitos. We don't have time for mojitos. - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! This place is the worst! I want to go home!

Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting.

Oh, hey h-hey-y! Morty, Jessica, what's up?

ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick. ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.

Absolutely! Good luck.

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else.

Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon?

6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

So, we'll be detaching your sexual organ at the base by making incisions here, here, and here.

Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg!

Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.

What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy? Not a bad trade for spider peace. All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider!

Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

I love you, Jerry. I love you. TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty!

I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized.

What a life.

a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other. Apparently, they've got some real creative differences.

Uh, I thought you learned that by now.

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird.

I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch!

[just learned a real valuable lesson. l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief.

No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy?

- Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!

W-where's my wife?!

Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty,

Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!

Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target. Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax.

Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies. However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "Space AIDS" as you put it.

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up,

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

J, Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo J, Boy, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Marty, A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction.

And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarcks.

it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about. Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family.

Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey!

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Rick, I know you're in there!

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet.

l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe. FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful.

i don't give a fuck.

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea.

Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter?

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,

Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!

You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya,

Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch!

You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards.

T-The whole house is sitting in another dimension! l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty,

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs.

Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there.

Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today.

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page.

That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry. Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect.

Ooh. Ohh. Ooh.

Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots?

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick! Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me.

JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting. RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad!

You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen,

- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power.

I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen?

J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it!

Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!

Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues?

Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something.

I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics.

Wha?

Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one.

Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen.

What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still.

but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel. Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop,

Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome!

SUMMER: Is it God?

I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice.

I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.

He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot!

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose?

Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! WOMAN: In your face! Give me the gun, I'm not doing this in front of Pencilvester. Bring him to the garage.

Dumb Name.

Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, ...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass. Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J, J, lt's schwifty time today J,

Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.

Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.

the fuel for accelerated space travel.

No. I'd say, given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity. But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time?

Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon." He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly?

l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son. Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world,

Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

I am a baby! I'm a baby now! Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!

- or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick.

Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married! I mean, what do you think's gonna happen if you open yourself up a little bit? I mean, look around. This is your family and friends all around you, you know? Take the day off. There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight. That's his last name. Are you hyphenating it? Squanch this, mo-Fo.

l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick!

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick?

Marty, Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J,

Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it!

Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years.

It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty.

S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here?

Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six. Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor.

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child!

but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks,

Aah! Unh! Class dismissed.

God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty!

It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great. Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun,

Let's go. You will walk when it is time to walk. What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah.

You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,

- DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you?

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,

You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick.

I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens. Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby. How's business? Here's the last of our inventory. We're going to file chapter ll and do some restructuring. Sounds like code for "You win, Rick." That was important to you, wasn't it? Nope. It was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit,

Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty,

I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation. More wine? I think I've had enough.

Help! Help! Aah! Aah!

Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole.

Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure!

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

RICK: Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer.

Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue. Really? You're looking real good. Oh, my god. - Hey, Marty, - Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica. So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...? No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school. Cool.

Hey, everybody.

Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here.

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J,

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

The nipple hole. It's beautiful. Oh, no! Holy crap!

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong,

What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something.

Have fun.

l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed! So, what do you think? You wanna... keep this marriage going a while longer? At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two?

Aah! Huh?

Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective. Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast. [ trifling f All right, l’m not gonna get him. [just learned a real valuable lesson.

I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now, calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right?

Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire,

Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me.

I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants.

He recognizes the other dogs on TV, J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa!

Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

Huh. Okay. I must say, Summer, lthought your grandfather's outburst would have disrupted business, but this is the best weekend I've had since Salem. Nice. "Wholesome Delight" for lunch? - Is that the vegan place? - Yeah, I love their soup, I'm kind of soup-ed out. Mrs. Tate, is it? What do you desire?

Yes. You do? ALL: Yes. So...| sold it? I sold the idea? ALL: Yes. Oh, my god! Thank you! TOGETHER: Thank you. You're welcome. Hey!

You're doing great. I know how to crawl in a tube. Come on. Oh, This is harder than it looks. Whoa! - Marco? - Polo! Marco? Come find me. Marco? You guys are enjoying this? Don't you feel a little patronized?

Starting right about now, Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Marty,

Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

J, And I'm gonna keep jazzing J, Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy. Our pleasure.

J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, J, Damn right, and I'll do it again, 'cause I am nice so I gots to win J, J, Break bread with the enemy J,

No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?

This representation displeases me. Aaah! Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess.

These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country,

It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah!

Um -- Wow, Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer. I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that?

She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?

I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery. You're just a symptom of it,

I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink?

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating!

Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human, they can just call themselves Alan Jefferson or something like that. It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? Good. Okay. Great.

...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet! I'm an idiot, and I love my son.

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could.

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Marty! What are you doing to me?!

Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable.

Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction! Geez, Morty. I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet. I don't want to talk about it. - Okay, guys, let's go home. - Where's Dad?

My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great.

Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk.

Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir?

Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect. I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, " ANNC)UNCER: More "Personal Space " next Tuesday at 8:00.

Drop the gun. You don't understand!

Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,

Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud.

Hello. Guess who just sold the apples campaign. Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes.

The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid. Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair, so you can make an army of your badass self?

Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!

Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.

Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.

Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is.

And now we ’re back to "How Did / Get Here?" the only show that makes you askyourself, "How did / get here?"

Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, man. I cannot wait -- I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this.

Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

This is a Meeseeks Box.

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man! Oh! Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

You should find that Lucy woman. But -- but -- You see, Jerry? May I show you something? Had everything gone as planned, this entire area would be underwater, I would have liked to see it, This trip has been a "Titanic" failure. Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy,

- Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move.

What? What the hell are you doing?

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth.

Gross. What is that thing? It's a courier flap.

Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream,

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J,

J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity.

What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect.

Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,

Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick --

RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh?

What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system -- I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick. I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty, Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them?

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!

We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold, or is itjust me?

Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will...

We got, uh, a -- crushed red party cups, 15 1/2 brapples. Welcome back to "Funny Songs." It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience. Um, longtime fan ofthe show. Uh -- What do you do? What's your profession?

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying.

Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep.

All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty, Gone with the wind! Am I right?! lfyou don't like that one, Marty, an alt on that could be, like, if I said "Gasablanca"!

No! No! Ow!

That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son.

Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.

I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.

Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137,

Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty! It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Oh, my god! Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk? Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut? Uh, l'm...not sure. Exactly. Show me what you got!

Marty, that's such a poor use of my time. lt's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver. l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty,

Run!

- Shut up! - You shut up!

Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair, so you can make an army of your badass self? There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are!

But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body! Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so --

Whoa! What is this on the floor? Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea -- bad pitch -- let's put your Dad here. Let's put your Dad in a nursing home. We're losing him. Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps!

Aah!

Oh, my god!

The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god.

Summer? What kind of God lets this happen?

- Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven...

That is an original thought. MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty? Oh, man, what's going on? Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier,

It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson.

Hey, i 'm Stealy, Follow me on my adventure through this office. All right, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things.

Yeah. Uh-oh.

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?

Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.

I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!

This is Roger and Annie.

It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,

This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,

Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,

SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers! The party's squanching on at my place! Cool. I'm coming, too. Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy?

S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land.

Spaghetti, kangaroos? l’ve gotta check this place out.

He died.

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle.

Oh, no!

lt's gratuitous at this point.

Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention, there are extensive medical records open on my desktop, and I trust you to confine your activities..,

I love you, Melissa.

I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing?

Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving.

Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened,

Yeah, yeah. I got it.

I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am --

but I -- I think we have tojust... It's okay. This is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do? You're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon. So...? Well, don't different animals... require different levels of skill to keep alive? undefined Oh, god, Get the deer in the car, Jerry. Yes, Beth. This is why you don't freeze time, you guys.

"Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.

Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker! Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty,

There was a seven-horse collision,

That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

What the fuck is so valuable about you?

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place. Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space.

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry.

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

Fuck no.

on this robot's home world, which is... Gazcorpazcorp in the Andromeda system. Scoot, Summer. Don't you need a new companion now that Morty's in the family way? I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you!

Never in the house. That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.

Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him!

Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad!

Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever.

l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right?

Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

Oh! Rick!

Slow down! My man!

Dad, what's going on? What's the deal here?

Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer.

I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty,

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please!

Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks,

Uh, actually, you know what?

I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn.

We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty, for them to work. Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?!

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy!

Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.

What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.?

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.

Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty?

Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty,

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this?

Come on.

Martin Luther King Jr/s birthday. No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

and...

Gosh, I look around this room, and I think,

J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles!

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery.

Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right?

Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back!

And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but...

We're decrypting it now. HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!

The young eat the old if you let them, Jerry. Pluto is a cold, cold celestial dwarf. It's a what? Huh? Oh, planet. "Pluto is a cold, cold planet." That's what I meant. Knock them dead out there, you.

can you assimilate a giraffe?

Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.

Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit, - Smith family? - Yes?

lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...

Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs.

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified!

I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer,

You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Not sure.

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah!

It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no.

Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why? Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?!

I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, Look at that thing right there. W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Aw, man, geez! Seriously?

Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what?

Back off!

T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

Rick Sanchez! You psycho bag of squanch!

Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine. I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this?

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff?

Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars. I mean, wouldn't the cars always win?

You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go. Well, terrific.

Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right.

And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick,

Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance...

Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah! Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind,

It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"?

- Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry.

Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me.

The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home. TOGETHER: Mom! Dad! Uh, hold the phone. Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers,

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.

Yeah, Grandpa, way to go.

All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families.

There you are, Marty,

H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone.

Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am?

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

You remember that one time?

I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!

FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away.

- Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue.

You're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon. So...? Well, don't different animals... require different levels of skill to keep alive? undefined Oh, god, Get the deer in the car, Jerry. Yes, Beth.

Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing!

l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

These guys -- They want to completely remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart. And we just need you to sign off on it. What?! Uh-Oh. Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes. His penis will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic. Now, there's a wide range of options to choose tram, They're all in this catalogue.

Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature because I think l have Jan Quadrant Vincent fever over here.

Oh...um... "Bitch."

ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine.

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God!

What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Summer?

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please,

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What?

Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings!

l've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises.

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry.

Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty,

W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah!

All right! I like your squanch! Uh, Rick, what exactly is "squanching"?

J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

Oh, you made it!

Run, Marty!

What? This isn't healthy, Rick. You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know? You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity?

Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,

clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.

FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me!

But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik

Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!

No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system."

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second?

Scalpel. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Scalpel. - Nano-Scalpel. Okay. We're ready.

I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,

You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it? I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart.

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What?

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again. Aah! Aah! undefined Arh! Aah!

Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it!

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here.

Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

I consider it a violation.

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery.

Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud.

J, Where's your hands? J,

So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather.

it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "

Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.

I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank. What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us,

Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!

Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Breaking news-- Shrimply Pibbles is being held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith. Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know.

Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details. Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think.

Should've been our wake-up call. But the rich plutonians won't wake up, and they love your Dad telling everyone Pluto's a planet because that means they can keep mining until Pluto goes from planet to asteroid to meteor, and finally...

You're scaring me. Scaring you?

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!

Show me what you got!

How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy?

- Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!

What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917. Cool! Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep.

A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

This representation displeases me. Aaah!

- Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu.

Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you,

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick.

None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

- Hey, Marty, - Oh, oh, hey, Dad. Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me. Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again.

Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea.

Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

I think they're just good guys. Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

God damn it.

There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually. undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak.

Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3.

I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell?

Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.

We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty!

Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty.

Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th-- but that's not how it went down! Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.

I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry. I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life,

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic.

We got a plumbus.

We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh?

Our pleasure.

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks!

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train?

The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you! J, These memories that we have J, J, These memories that we cherish J,

You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, But these gears just started turnin'.

You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know. Do it! Do it! Remove my penis! Sir, put the gun down and step away from Mr. Pibbles! - Jerry! - Dad, what are you doing?! I'm a good person. I'm a good person.

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave.

In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know.

I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay. Hey, we agreed. Never in the house.

JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Red alert! Ohhhhh!

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?

Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid,

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi.

Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little.

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family!

I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

but your eyes are so beautiful.

Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over.

Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know, Are we sure we wanna look at our own alternate lives? You're right. Maybe we should just play Yahtzee. Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you.

All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars.

J, All the moon men want things theirway J, J, But we make sure they see the sun J, J, Goodbye, moon men J,

Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?!

That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

My name is... Alexand--

How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens.

Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories,

J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair.

BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art.

J, What have I become J, J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J,

Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons, like that show "Doomsday Preppers." Not really my style, Marty, Besides, your home is most likely swarming with Ricks by now. All right, listen, Jerry. lf Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location. You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah.

Uh, just so you're prepared,

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

Well, this won't do. - Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life? We only want Sanchez, si'r. Your family Will be fine. Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

AIDS!

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!

it’s polite, " right, and " Sneezy, Deezy Mc... Deluxe. l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer.

Marty! Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing!

Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J,

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

Remove my penis!

Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello?

Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery. You think you can control me with a haircut? Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day?

Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind.

This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

l "c an't"? Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean? Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty.

What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty,

iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on! Aah! Get off!

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich!

Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol --

Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

Was I one ofthose guys? The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards, Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,,

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!

Did you get any ofthat?

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out.

Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves?

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass.

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

What?! Are you kidding me?!

Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park.

Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free. You're saying I should leave Jerry.

Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it!

Okay, so maybe we're just all fake. That don't make no sense! Or maybe there's only one deceiver here -- The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other. Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick,

Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?

Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning.

I like what you got! Good job!

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land.

Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen.

What are we doing? I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay.

Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay? We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them. Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies.

Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood.

ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap.

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha!

I got news for you.

Show me what you got!

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President...

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV, Mrs. Sullivan always planned to leave everything to her cats.

Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round? Science isn't always easy, Morty.

Here 's my fingerprints.

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him! How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean.

J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J,

RICK:

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

This next one's coming straight from the heart. Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head.

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband!

I am here if you need to talk.

Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it,

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch.

Dude, are you -- w-- you're being a dick, right? Oh, gosh, l-l hope not. l-l-l-l-l-l wouldn't want to offend you in any way. You're really a Rick? Y-- of course I am -- just as much as my Morty's a Marty, Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry!

So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun!

My name is Marty Smith, from Earth dimension C-137. I know you're scared, because /'m scared. But that's no reason to accept our fate! We're Mortys! We're not defined by our relationships to Rick! Our destiny is our own! This sounds like something the one true Marty might say. I'm sick of being a human shield.

Yeah, uh, my name is Ron Benson. I'm an electrical engineer, father of two, and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings, I'm a member of this planet's top race! Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper.

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,

- Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time.

And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.

Um...wait -- Did we have some sort of relationship with him? I think they're just like that? I think they're just good guys. Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

No, you won't.

Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now.

Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people.

Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that.

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,

Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

2003 just called. It wants its easy target back. Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

Begin phase two.

Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich.

Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife.

or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you. So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge?

relatively speaking.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad!

Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy.

Rick!

Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years.

Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time --

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will...

I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited.

Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you, Oh, my god, you guys. I get it. You're afraid the big, bad hive mind is gonna steal your grandpa away. Actually, no. I think Unity's great and you're a horrible influence on it. What? This isn't healthy, Rick. You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know?

Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar?

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery. You're just a symptom of it,

Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay. You two call yourselves geniuses,

Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you. Jerry, it's your house -- whatever you say it is is how it is -- but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care, and even /naticed, Come on, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that.

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

I'm posting this online, like, right now.

Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run...

27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines --

l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then.

this animal can't be transferred until the current attending physician verbally confirms their inability to provide adequate care. You heard the man, horse doctor. You have to say you couldn't hack it, We did it! Uh-huh. No, mother -- no. Earth, dude.

All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising.

You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this,

You little piece of shit. BETH: Hey, guys, we're home.

H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad!

You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine.

"Get Schwifty" was a jam. Hello? Yes, sir, yeah.

Aah! Unh!

All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com.

We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath.

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals.

Summer!

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space. " l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now?

you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know? Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir.

Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?

I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."

J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased!

Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty?

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J,

- I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project?

Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg.

Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system.

Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow.

l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole.

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back.

Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe.

"I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam!

Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy,

Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop -- Marty! Have you met Gearhead?

I'm busy.

The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. We will give you passage back home so it can be terminated. But first, mojitos. We don't have time for mojitos. - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer!

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

I'm not looking forjudgment, just a yes or no -- can you assimilate a giraffe? You're the worst! No, you're the worst! You don't support this family! All you care about is yourself! You think supporting the family is about supporting you emotionally... you've got two children being dragged across the cosmos ...because it's never enough, Jerry! ...by your dangerously ill father! And you force me to watch it happen... ...because you'd rather lose them and lose me...

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!

W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them.

J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake do-o-o-o-rsi

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here.

'Cause I said so!

I don't care. Just leave it, Yeah. Okay.

Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

lt's shrinking because of corporations. Yeah, that's what that anti-planet nut job Scrcocopy Noopers was screaming about outside the Ministry of Money's Fundraiser. Are you telling me four billion Plutonians are wrong? You said science wasn't easy. I said science isn't always easy. Obviously, that means sometimes it is easy. Let's not debase ourselves with word games, son.

You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit.

"Jerry, get a job!

Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.

Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy? Not a bad trade for spider peace.

It's like "The Purge," Marty, That movie "The Purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night. l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?

One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son. I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see. Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way.

I just got bored. Everybody out. JERRY: All right, just one more rally, then I promise we'll get back to your science project. Dad, Pluto isn't a planet.

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck.

I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us,

Don't be gross, Tammy.

Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.

How did / get here?

Scalpel. Scalpel. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Scalpel. - Nano-Scalpel.

Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty, And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry,

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move.

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress.

Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight?

First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified.

Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

l was your only friend, and I get nothing? Okay. I'll give you one thing. Name it. I want to help you. Clever twist. I learned from the best, you old fart. Now, let's go get you hydrated. Looks like we've got... haunted boxing gloves that wril make you the heavyweight champion in 1936,

Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine.

Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices? Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is. Oh, my god, Rick, look!

You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here.

RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

You know what? I'm taking this.

Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick.

Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep.

Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure,

So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got...

How?

MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire!

We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time.

ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you.

Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree? That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Marty, Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez!

It's an obsession for them at this point. The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead ofthem. Aha! Here we go. Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips. RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all.

But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen.

The world?

Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over.

That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

- Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

Yes. Holy crap!

Come on! Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go!

This isn't "Game of Thrones."

And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front.

I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here! Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name?

And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass,

Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty?

Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity,

They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They."

You guys are the fucking worst!

Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him!

Oh, here we go!

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity?

Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV, and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being,

Oh, my god,

Next time I party, I'm just gonna focus on getting totally wrecked.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry?

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!

Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done,

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!

I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. I am here if you need to talk. - What is this place? - Paradise. We built it during the great passive-aggression, when the females separated from the males due to their increasingly destructive behavior. I am here if you need to talk. I am here if you need to talk.

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream?

which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

Mi casa es su casa, dawg!

I ask you to do one thing! Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob.

Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. What? Why not? Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice?

Huh? Wait a minute.

No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son!

Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.

I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me.

Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.

Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History.

Well, obviously, Summer,

What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!

J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse.

Pluto is...

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

Fine. Sheesh.

Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert! Ohhhhh!

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.

I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!

Good. Okay. Great.

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,

I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart. I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.

And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet.

MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

Rick? How -- How did you --

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?

Jerry, I'd love tojust kick back with a margarita and read.

Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't.

- I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go.

One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. Man, this place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found.

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that.

l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth. In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter?

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no!

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!

Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah.

TV: Coin collecting is considered the perfect hobby. . . . beautiful putt right there -- Good birdie. That's only the... eighth birdie of the day. What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Outside?

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke!

Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot,

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.

Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat.

You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

Pass the butter. Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.

A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know,

Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person!

My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.

Did you get any ofthat?

For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh... We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez!

and let's get this dumb universe rolling.

This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated,

If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu...

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time.

Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, "

Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half --

I am a baby! I'm a baby now!

I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad. You're a genius at that. Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter.

It's crazy, right? I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not?

l’m Ants in My E yes johnson, E verything's black. i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch,

I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up,

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new?

Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

You two call yourselves geniuses, but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the --

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves.

No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,

Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry!

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it.

the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?

Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal.

You know, you were right about the Universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place. Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know. This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Marty style.

I ask you to do one thing!

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?

What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school.

It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through. You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic.

But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good,

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse.

And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right! G-get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp--

That poor girl. W-We have to save her. Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby.

Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Coming through. What are you here for? Just kidding. I don't care.

Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth.

Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up,

My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!

Jessica.

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country,

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.

LINCOLER: Please, stop!

You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Huh? Wait a minute.

- Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me! Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie.

- Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!

Are you kidding me?!

AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

It's gonna be fine.

I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?

MORTY: I think you're getting what you wanted, Summer. Something's happening to Unity.

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.

Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller." Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it, Wow !

You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,

And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?! Come on, this way! Squanch this!

We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me.

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day.

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful.

See you next week, everybody.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.

Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance.

Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi!

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere,

Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!

What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen.

giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

What the hell?

Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin!

I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing.

not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes!

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around! How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch! I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that!

But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.

All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no. What the -- No!

Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah.

Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.

All right, that's it,

I got pregnant at 17. I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't... I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth.

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space.

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty.

Marty? Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40. Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student.

Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying.

I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy?

"Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!

Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

'Cause I said so!

Hey, that's my deer!

Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh?

You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

He might have it chained up so that it doesn't eat the planet! Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs. He's probably racing to cure its space AIDS. - He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it! BOTH: Shut up!

Look. This shit is delicious.

On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance!

Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. You got to get those seeds out of your ass. Oh, look, honey.

I, um -- Jerry and I were looking for our weed whacker and found your subterranean lair and your alien prisoner,

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah,

Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty.

6, 10, what's the difference?

Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here?

What the fuck is going on?

Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty --

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer!

Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity.

Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come.

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery.

Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone.

They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food.

Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!

Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born.

Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick --

Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world!

You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry. Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all.

we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite.

Noooooo!

You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up!

J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water...

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J,

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea.

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome. My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? M-my drink is empty.

You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom?

What's going on?

You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers --

I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back?

Where's the helicopter? There is no helicopter. And there is no Cervine Institute. But the top deer surgeon-, I'm looking at her. Thanks for teeing me up like that. You better get moving. These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work. They're not gonna last all night.

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.

That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.

You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person.

You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it,

What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that.

This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty,

Marty?

on this robot's home world, which is... Gazcorpazcorp in the Andromeda system. Scoot, Summer. Don't you need a new companion now that Morty's in the family way? I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god,

and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!

W O M A N ', Ongoing investigations. Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9.

Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

RICK: I'm almost there, Marty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

Our village is saved! You are both true heroes! Oh! Good job, Morty. Looks like you won the bet. Thanks, Rick, but I don't know if I should. You know, you were right about the Universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place. Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know.

SUMMER:

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit?

- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving.

Oh, l-l get it.

Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little --

I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS.

Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute.

Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things.

What do you say, Marty?

Whoa! What did you do?

Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick!

Holy shit.

Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!

Rick and Summer of Earth, for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover, Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh...

I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

Hi, Frank. Aah! Scalpel. Scalpel. Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him.

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles?

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!

improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes.

Marty, crack the window.

This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,

Class dismissed. Geez. - You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty?

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me,

That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here?

You can't throw a party! Rememberwhat mom said? Yeah, if anything gets messed up, you and Grandpa Rick get punished.

I wonderwhy Greg is always so critical of my girlfriend. Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself. That's how friends are. Or does he want her to himself?

Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!

This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.

Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man.

J, Space, space, space, space J,

Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty?

I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one.

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.

No pun intended.

And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league.

with weapons made from t-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers,

Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.

l-l-lt's very difficult. Oh! Uh, well, is there an aux input? We tried that, but there's two different colors. But there's two different colors.

How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie,

- Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty, Gone with the wind! Am I right?!

What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

And if you think my top is cute,

Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.

Noooooo!

Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you.

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty!

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve,

we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts.

You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties!

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Great. Nice work, Morty. Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer?

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two.

Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th,

This is gonna be fun. Hey, Marty, let me -- let me -- let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius." Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.

Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top.

No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame.

Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah!

Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps!

Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life.

and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly?

Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!

I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day.

Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! WOMAN: In your face! Give me the gun, I'm not doing this in front of Pencilvester. Bring him to the garage. You listen to me, you son of a bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors.

You're a whole planet now, huh? After we broke up, I spent some time wandering through space. Then I found this world... ...where l was better able to focus on my passion for unification. You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick,

Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.

I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet.

Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time?

I'm late to class, bitch!

And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am? S-Samantha. Please, mister! Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars.

J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk!

Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh!

I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!

15 1/2 brapples. Welcome back to "Funny Songs." It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience. Um, longtime fan ofthe show. Uh -- What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music.

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around.

Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream!

What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.

Hello, Summer. Hello, Marty, It's okay. You're safe now. Unity? - Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing. Oh, Summer, you did nothing wrong.

Well, then I hate Christmas!

I'm not ready to die.

You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?!

right around the corner.

so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad.

we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome. J, Look on down from the bridge J,

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!

f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf--

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard.

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine. Ship, keep Summer safe. FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe.

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

I am here if you need to talk. I am here if you need to talk. From here, we dispense mechanical surrogates to maintain our population. Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most.

We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three. See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?!

Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.

...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Fun facts about this one --

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

all the famous ones... they're gone.

I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Still, what is he, 40? It's just, you know, when he was 30, she was an actual child. When he was her age, she wasn't born. When he was, let's see, like, 18, she was literally in there in yourwomb. Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that."

You're missing my symphony.

Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch!

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man.

My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Out of the -- out of the way, Morty! - No! - Marty! That's one ofthe most violently aggressive creatures in the universe! Ow! He's my son! And if you hurt him, you'll have to kill me, Rick!

Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!! What the hell happened back there?! This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid.

I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't... I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth. Well, herwaistline isn't.

They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends. I guess that's the end ofthat. There is just one more thing. According to this state's Veterinarian statute,

You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases? Hey, doc.

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life.

So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s.

J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty,

I hope you had a blast. The galactic government considers us terrorists. lt's unwise of me to share these details, but I've become inebriated.

There's a giant in the clouds!

Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy.

Compliments of the Galactic Federation. I feel better.

Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America!

Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. No!

I'm not looking forjudgment, just a yes or no --

lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?!

Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

He'll be fine. Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

Oh, you're just loving this, mother-- this isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal. Unity's not into other hive minds. It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.

Stay. What do you want?

I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman!

I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay. Hey, we agreed. Never in the house. That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh?

lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

You listen to me, you son of a bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors. Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"?

Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council.

Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do!

So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right? Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice.

The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead ofthem. Aha! Here we go. Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips. RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all.

He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty?

I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs."

Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

What the hell was that?!

The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why? Sundown is when the festival begins. The festival? Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, Living in perfect peace. Oh, I know what this is!

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty?

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me!

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J,

Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job.

Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets,

J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J, Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!

This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook. A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry.

and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so." Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on!

I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday! Well, did you even consider how that might make me feel?! How you feel?! Why is everything always happening to you?!

This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera.

Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart.

Pluto is a planet.

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car.

Okay. We're ready. Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

- Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide. Well, you can hide with us, Rick? - Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me?

undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart.

l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ]

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --

That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention,

Class dismissed. Geez.

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch.

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh?

Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times.

My slave?

You know you're kind of a dick, right?

Good bye.

a hit song,

So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle? Isn't it interesting, Summer, that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it?

That guy got it.

Yes, Marty,

You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy,

Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale?

Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?

Ohhhhh! Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom.

- What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back!

Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan?

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J, Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham.

J, I want it real J, J, Are you afraid of me now? J, JV J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel that I can see your soul? J, J, Do you feel it? J,

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain.

God damn it! God damn it!!

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them.

Calling all Jan Michael Vincents. ANNOUNCER: Ina world where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents, MAN: We need one Jan Michael Vincent to Quadrant "C." We need two Jan Michael Vincents to Quadrant "E." ...and l 6 Quadrants, There's only enough time for a Jan Michael Vincent to make it to a quadrant. He can't be at two quadrants at once.

Holy --

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch.

ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick!

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

- What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines?

who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Tammy! Caw!

Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer. Oh, my god, Toby Matthews is asking... if my parents are still out of town and if we can have a party! All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you?

Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? I prefer my own penis, and so should you!

Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

J-J-J-- this is game over.

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!

Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad!

lfyou love him, you should leave. And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey.

That is why he must numb himself.

Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

Hold your fire! What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government, Thanks to the skilled diplomacy ofthis mysterious space car, from this day forward, human and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them,

Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week!

Uh-huh. No, mother -- no. Earth, dude. No, I'm talking about -- Yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you get to the dolphin people, you gone too far. All right, man, I'll talkto you later. Okay. You know what they do to third-dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever.

Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not.

Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.

Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?!

Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris!

Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you.

Suck my dick!

Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.

Wubba lubba dub dub!

ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.

f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted?

Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!

Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days.

My lust! My greed!

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple!

There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.

Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.

I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have --

It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is.

Hey, uh, come here. l-l want to show you something. Okay, look, everybody makes fun of me for getting these, but you're a genius scientist. What do youthink? See? There's little R2-D2s where the George Washingtons should be. You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value.

Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being. But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from yourwretched body!

You're just a symptom of it, Can I show you something? Morty, no offense... but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident. That out there? That's my grave. Wait, what? On one of our adventures.., Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one.

Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got.

We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them. Now, listen, why don't -- why don't -- wh-why don't -- why don't you guys go get a free Sunday ice cream? Get out there and get some ice creams. Here's $500 cash in unmarked monies. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe.

And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

Huh? What? Wait? What? Stop.

Are you kidding me?

Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."

Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

I know your game, Beta Seven. I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in-the-wings shoulder to cry on! You are classified as a hostile entity. Oh, you're just loving this, mother-- this isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal.

Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this...

ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

if my parents are still out of town and if we can have a party! All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you? Ohh! He's asking if Tiny Rick will be here. Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party?

J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J, J, It doesn't match your face J, J, Get them away, away from this place J, J, Can you take me now? J,

Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man.

Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean? Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up,

Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse?

Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,

I want the police to take me!

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre? Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you.

one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe.

I told you not to trust that tuna.

J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome!

undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot.

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell?

And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't. All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities,

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels.

Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer.

Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now!

You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy,

Sure I did -- to develop this. lt detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone," Ray Bradbury, "Friday the 13th" The Series voodoo crap magic. I thought you might want it so you didn't accidentally sell anybody, say-, A typewriter that generates best-selling murder mysteries and then makes the murders happen in real life? Ooh. Be quiet.

Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

How's business?

It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times.

Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off, how would they find their butt person again? I don't know, Summer. I can't even hear the TV, All right, that's it, We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day. Ooh, family vacation!

Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant.

Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else.

You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh... Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again?

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith.

Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!

Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13. - Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s,

RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions.

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here.

Dad, there he is! Oh, god, Hey, stop that! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad! Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad.

"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you!

Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

You tried to kill yourself.

It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus.

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?

Why am I always your go-to?

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me!

J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

Tuberculosis -- coming in fast!

I always could count on you.

Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it, Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego? Well, you'd have to be pretty petty. But you'd still be the woman I married.

Diabolic son of a motherf-- We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto." And a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry? Pluto is a planet. Well, how about that.

What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him.

What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No!

Thank me. Thank you, Jerry.

Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4! Rick, Marty, lce-T, the timetable's moved up,

Well, this won't do. - Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke."

We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion.

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?

Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty, This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."

A student was frozen to death.

It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move.

You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius.

Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good.

Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife? Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.

I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same. All right, okay, fair is fair. lfyou do extra work, you get extra food. Oh, Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that.

You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know.

Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Marty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him. Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know...

Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!

It's a good-a show!

I'm not.

Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see.

Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.

Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg.

Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie! Rick and Summer of Earth, for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- What, what, what -- a night on the couch?

And what do you do then? its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "

I guess he got what he deserved.

Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s?

ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler.

Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty,

Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.

Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp-- I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth!

Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it.

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers,

They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something?

Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.

Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap!

What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison...

Oh shit.

Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged. This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera.

Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes.

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.

...ovenless brownies!

We killed a vampire anda gym teacher. Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer.

Whoa! Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick?

Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school.

We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day.

Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it?

We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,

We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.

J, My empire of dirt J, J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J,

No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified!

NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt"., Plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches.

like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um -- you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know? Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean...

Marty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here? I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked.

But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government.

l'm King Flippy Nips, ruler of Pluto. We discovered you quite by accident during routine surveillance of your world, You really gave it to those guys at NASA l was -- you know, sometimes science is about conviction. lt'd like to introduce you to a few people that very much agree with you.

that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity. But, hey, why don't you have a pink spaceship? Go ride around and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny.

Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez. That's odd. This deer's wounded.

Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax.

The plucky little ball of water and d/rt,

so be nice. Unity,

All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room where none ofthe people whose stuff I stole can get to us, Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples.

What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no. What the -- No!

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica.

You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here.

Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,

It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here.

Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool.

Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents,

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why?

Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuffthem down and --

A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones."

Hey, I'm squanching in here!

That means I own them.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.

We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!

Kill him!

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now. Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Forget about the park, doctor! How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy? Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged.

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.

- What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging.

...Morty waves,

You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis.

Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name?

Follow me on my adventure through this office. All right, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things. Excuse me. Can I help you? Starting with common office objects. Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! Such as staplers and pins and all sorts ofthings like -- such as that. That's it, I'm calling security.

Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt?

Why couldn't I bring my portal gun?

Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

- Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it, Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego?

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song,

Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.

You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie! Rick and Summer of Earth, for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to --

Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy,

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise.

Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker!

But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever.

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight.

nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals and 12 million deep fryers, but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!"

I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay? We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them.

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship.

Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J,

Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened,

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.

Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?!

Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye.

Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry. Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect. I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop?

Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me.

Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math.

Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one?

Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land.

Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

Roll credits!

You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

People like Rick are making me obsolete. I mean, seriously. I may be "the devil," but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell, where everyone thinks I'm smart and funny. No! It's not fair. Everyone in this town got something they wanted from you -- even Rick.

and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact -- Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other. Apparently, they've got some real creative differences.

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator.

There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

Aah! Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this.

Our alliance is beneficial.

My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah.

You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then --

Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.

Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later.

Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive?

Holy shit. What happened?

Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it! HEADS: Hooray! Yeah.

Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you?

I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart. I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty,

Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome.

So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No!

Oh shit.

But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi!

Yep. Oh, my god!

Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning.

then we can't get schwifty.

Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!

You're not. Or are you?

Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead.

You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh?

Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up!

Ooh, he's trying!

Oh, geez, Rick.

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?!

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay.

Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high! Out of my way. The tint setting is always too high.

Uh... okay, J, What have I become J, J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J,

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay.

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J, Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive?

Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now.

So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

I'm fine! Oh, good.

Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern.

Oh, no!

Ohh. Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad!

A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back.

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!

Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me.

Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

You heard the man, horse doctor. You have to say you couldn't hack it,

Summer is doing really well here. She's aced every test in potato class,

She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew. Please help me. You can reach me if you try. Please help me! That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving. Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night.

It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say. It's not like I could've actually done it, lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it, but I -- I think we have tojust... It's okay. This is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do?

Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50?

No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.

I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing.

I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes. Oh, my Gad,

MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh?

Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!

No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!

Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds.

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Thank you, Seattle.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children.

It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. We will give you passage back home so it can be terminated.

His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little?

Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day!

Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,

The student becomes the teacher.

J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J,

Oh shit. Oh shit.

undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty.

Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft so they may head back to theirweird planet, where women are kind of equal but not really. Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls. You know, you girls are really something, I'll tell you that. You know when we first go there, I was like -- Give them a ship now,

Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it,

J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,

Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks!

Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right?

Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple?

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered,

Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch."

And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real?

Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out.

This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh?

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little. Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks. You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick.

WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave,

Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing.

Calm down.

I guess he got what he deserved. What is that?

Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick.

Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god,

We're gonna be okay, Rick. How?

Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

Aah! Huh? What the fuck?

Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack? Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof. Eh, unless she has the flu.

We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous! I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom,

Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting. RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card.

Class dismissed. Geez.

And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

J, Look away from the sky J, J, It's no different when you're leaving home J,

I have something important to tell you. J, And the gears, they turned for a thousand years J, J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know.

Hello, everyone!

Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis!

Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th,

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired. Wha-- But t-this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation. Well, then, it was a terrible simulation. Get out. Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?

It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up.

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally.

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god!

Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down? Well, it's bath, But most importantly, you got to relax. You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don't think this is working. I give up, I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite.

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing!

but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.

almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah!

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke.

I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty,

Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here!

so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.

All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.

J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks.

Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed,

Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?!

t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once,

All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

Scalpel. Scalpel. Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch.

Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old.

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer? Droppin' loads. ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

But most importantly, you got to relax.

I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick? H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth!

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

Wubba lubba dub dubs!

"Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes. Oh, my Gad,

And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh,

Have fun, you two. Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic.

is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move!

Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,

Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty.

Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot!

Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids? I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same. All right, okay, fair is fair. lfyou do extra work, you get extra food. Oh,

So, what do you think? You wanna... keep this marriage going a while longer? At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way --

Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta,

You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go. Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings,

Come on. It's not every day that I'm town. It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet?

Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land. Too fast. SUMMER:

You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that!

Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep.

Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J,

Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge. Here we go. Holy crap! Come on, Morty.

Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty.

Oh, my god, Oh, my god, lwish this desk was lighter. I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't --

The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.

I need food.

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering -- No, l'll G-- I'll get your info from Summer.

The factory tint setting is always too high! Out of my way.

The citadel of Ricks.

Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world

I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Help me, please! You can help me!

More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place. You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun. Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah. Yeah, that -- that -- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But -- but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty,

No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human,

We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore.

Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help.

This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else.

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh!

f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, "

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me.

Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place.

Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty. I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together.

Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho! J, Oh, it feels good J, Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece,

Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god. Where did you learn to talk, you grandpa-stealing slut? I'm feeling... Ugh. Oh, man, let me help all of you guys up. ALL: I'm fine.

Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!

Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.

Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man. Stop it right now!

I'm a troublesome octopus person. Uh-Oh. I gotta save some trouble 'cause here comes a trouble mite. SUMMER: Gross! Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know?

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car.

They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer?

I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying?

To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years.

lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit.

Which is good, because the relationship in their heads is not only ugly, it's unsustainable. You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different, none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work.

I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank. What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes.

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!!

Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat?

How do you know about that? It's top secret.

Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. I don't -- w-w-w-why didn't we just go to Kentucky? Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things.

Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works.

J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '

But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us,

Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan.

Bye. Later.

Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet. We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it.

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8...

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing.

After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait.

Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean. Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this,

Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry! What the hell are you doing here?! What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing.

Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Welcome, Marty, Welcome...

Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples.

You fucking kidding me, Marty?!

Can do!

I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right.

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves.

Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium.

Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

- Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates?

I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad. Can he have visitors? He'd like to be alone. He told me to tell you he's sorry you didn't have bad memories of him? lfyou love him, you should leave.

BETH: So, Dad, guess what tomorrow is,

Take a deep breath. I love you. l'm counting to three, Jerry.

NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty!

Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under -- Uh, what? It was your job, Marty, - Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer. I got to back the "M" bomb on this one. I remember the conversation. We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man.

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah!

because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important,

Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out.

That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family. And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick.

Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --

including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,

What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around,

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car.

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you.

Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit.

Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs,

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla...

Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit.

Paid for by Michael Denny and The Denny Singers.

PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there,

l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick!

He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.

Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing!

Infinite timelines.

Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick! Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler.

I'm a member of this planet's top race! Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards.

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you.

Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing --

How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch! I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that! Stay. What do you want?

You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying. I'll leave it at that. Fine, dad!

Ooh, nice!

Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back!

not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff,

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

Ooh-Whee!

Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty,

What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail?

- Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote. MAN: Well, " omcial. The obscure planet known as Earth, formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist and fugitive Rick Sanchez, has fast become the 6, 048th planet to ]oin the Galactic Federation.

Nice.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned,

I'm gonna find some fuel and take a big, fat Marty, That's my new word for shit because of today's events.

I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad.

I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys. Come on, man.

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

Yeah, Marty,

I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp,

Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice?

Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity.

Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect.

and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished.

I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

Don't break an arm jerking yourself off.

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move.

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Time to go home.

How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe.

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty!

That's the last straw!

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

you know, penis between my legs.

What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty,

f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. .. just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital,

Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay?

- No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

You make that dog smart or...

Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.

Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!

You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

RICK: Huh. He's making himselfa sandwich now. Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe.

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty,

Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys. I'm leaving.

This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?

But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things,

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. Grandpa Rick, couldn't you, like, use your superknowledge to turn yourself into a teenager and come to our school and help us hunt the vampire down?

I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed. Marty, take the wheel! Whoa! Whoa! Geez! Damn it, Morty! Who taught you to fly this thing?

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer.

Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home.

I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife!

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects.

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?

I smell the violation of civil liberties!

Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch?

The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads!

even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down.

Free of charge. One never pays here -- not with money. Nothing to read into there. Thanks! Sorry I'm late, Mr. Needful. This is my grandpa, Rick. He was just leaving. Huh. Tell me, Rick, what do you desire? Eh, I make my own stuff.

Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine.

He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom?

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster! - I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying. - Summer! - Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there! Why do you hate me, Summer? I'm not talking to you.

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J, J, It doesn't match your face J, J, Get them away, away from this place J,

That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together.

My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

That would be illegal.

Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to --

What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now. This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness,

Oh, man, Rick!

and don't even -- All right, I'm bored. Change it, Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name. Here's another slogan right below that one. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Get in here quick, get out quicker with an arm of fake doors in your arms. Okay, okay, you can change it,

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck,

When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine.

This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.

and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,

You're right. Kill Pencilvester. Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves.

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine.

Ugh! Arrgghh! Ah! Uhhhhh! Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal?

T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. Man, this place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices?

Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it! What do you know? He was right! Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second!

Yes.

Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting!

I'd rather not, actually.

It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. What? I'm an angry father, not an improvisor. Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff.

It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman. J, Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo J,

Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game.

Aah! Unh! Class dismissed. Geez.

- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see.

I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh?

Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years? Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub!

I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

How do you -- what is this? Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.

What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely --

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling.

I'll leave it at that. Fine, dad! Oh, he might have said to take it outside. RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god, Well, I did my job. Summer did herjob. Now all Marty has to do is finish listening to that tale.

Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am.

Your marriage can rest easy now. Jerry, go ahead and sit there and put this on. This machine isolates the part ofthe subject's brain containing all perceptions of its romantic partner. And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life.

My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me! Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem.

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer.

up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever,

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,

You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too. Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today?

Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na,

- I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture.

Heads up, Rapists.

I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis.

W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now.

- Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool.

And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood!

I know everything about everything?

At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow!

Go to the bathroom.

Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl.

I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance? Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time? Tiny Rick, this conversation is gonna break my heart wide open.

Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing?

Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck,

MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination!

I'm an alcoholic.

undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Advertising? Wow!

"Cape Fear"!

Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

It's incredibly irresponsible. And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't.

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,

Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in,

Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question.

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were.

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom!

l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?

Answer me!

Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves, and then worry about all this later? Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick.

Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

Oh, Well, when did this stop being Jamba Juice?

I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet. They changed it in 2006,

Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?

Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.

"Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word?

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

Jesus. Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants,

My god, the man's a genius. Um, excuse me. Marty, what? Dad, what did you think about the recent report published by The Pluto Science Reader linking Pluto-quakes, sinkholes, and surface shrinkage to deep-core plutonium drilling?

little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue?

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army,

Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this, just because Grandpa Rick is? It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you --

You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on?

But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty, who I hear had a great party last night. So, class dismissed. You've got the day off! All right! Good work, Mr. Goldenfold! Yeah, get outside. Read a book.

Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys.

How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife. So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes.

Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today. RICK: You gotta be careful, Marty, If that guy catches you with a box of his Eyeholes, he comes bursting in through a window and just starts kicking the shit out of you. But it's worth the risk. They melt in your mouth, Marty, They're delicious. Dad, I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal.

RICK: Can't wait.

Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.

That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.

J, It's still raining up here J, J, Everybody seems so far away from me J,

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God.

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything,

Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie!

Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads!

Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty!

Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday. MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future.

And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time. Yes. I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, Iike...an Appley or something. Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns?

welcome to our Ad Agency.

Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's --

What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about?

What are we doing? I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this.

What are you looking at, motherfucker?

You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting.

In my butt?

Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts!

I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus. Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think.

Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles.

' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!

Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes!

What the -- aah! Aah! Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J,

MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield,

Me, too. RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!

Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me?

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around,

They live here now.

All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what?

D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick.

Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane!

the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh.

Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch!

Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured?

The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!

It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick!

Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful.

l-l want to show you something. Okay, look, everybody makes fun of me for getting these, but you're a genius scientist. What do youthink? See? There's little R2-D2s where the George Washingtons should be. You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them.

Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty? You know what a vole is? It's a -- it's a rodent that mates for life, Marty, This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs.

J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else?

Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it,

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,

Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness. Jesus fucking Christ. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit. When a vampire is pretending to be a human,

It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.

Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.

Homework is stupid.

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS!

Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure,

I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp,

Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season.

You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other.

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.

You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick.

You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once,

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on.

From Summer being a total bitch!

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris!

you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens.

no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

- He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No.

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay?

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation.

Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us!

The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine. Help! There is no escape, my son.

I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought. MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty?

I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame!

I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell?

The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days.

Huh? What the fuck?

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Ooh. Ohh.

but this is real science.

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations.

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

Hmm?

See that?

You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request.

Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we've done.

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha!

If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot?

Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo!

You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy.

Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had. Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery. You're welcome. RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick!

Don't even think about it,

Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!

You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick?

Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go!

I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go!

Sex is sacred!

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger.

Aaaaaaah! So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle?

mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..?

Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry.

Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life?

Then Jacob came into our lives, and...we're learning to live again. All three of us, Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man.

Oh, god, what is life?

Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no.

Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

Oh shit. Oh shit.

balls, balls. ..

l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb...

I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society.

Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them,

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries!

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Move it up, actually, if you can,

W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it,

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Yeah, baby!

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Oh, Okay. l squanch my family. Uh... What? I do. l squanch my family. Stop saying it. Grass, Come on in, guys. The guest are having cocksquanches.

Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls. You know, you girls are really something, I'll tell you that. You know when we first go there, I was like -- Give them a ship now, Marty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay! What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside!

Excuse me. Come on. Please, everyone, I have news about Shrimply Pibbles. Word of Jerry Smith trying to weasel out of his penis donation has spread across the galaxy. Beings everywhere have come together to offerwhat little they have to help save Shrimply's life.

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical.

Oh, my God.

Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

- Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather.

Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served.

l'm -- l'm -- l'm --

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye, moon men J, All right. Let's proceed. Damn.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

This? This is a losing battle. Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married! I mean, what do you think's gonna happen if you open yourself up a little bit? I mean, look around. This is your family and friends all around you, you know? Take the day off.

Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve,

Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today. Welcome home, Water-T.

Breaking news -- Academy Award- Winning actor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown. Don't even think about it, Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry? It's just a bunch of dumb tabloid crap. It's my life, and we're watching it,

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica.

You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. Whoa! Ooh, watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die?

Stop it right now! Grandpa Rick, I like working here. You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes! So what if he's the devil, Rick? At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets. Buh-bye.

Ooh. Ohh.

Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother.

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

This place is great, you know?

Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice. Unity, is it a bad time? Are all present life forms assimilated? Beta Seven, this is my single-minded friend from Earth, Rick. Rick Sanchez.

I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,

"Cape Fear"! "Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."

I really appreciate you, Marty,

I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what?

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!

They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca.

The rest is annoying garbage.

but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

this man was a registered sex offender.

Ethan?

What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn,

I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why -- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family?

I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God --

Unh!

They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you!

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.

H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.

Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job! Seize them! Whoa! Was this really the time to make that point, Summer? This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay?

A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there?

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

I'm talking about Mega seeds.

And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes. Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time. Yes.

RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!

I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

"Okay" -- like you're gonna quietly teleport somewhere and never come back? No. It's your house. Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity? Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know? It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

You really don't want to talk to me about this. Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what?

You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry.

Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet,

I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J,

You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him.

Mister, um, Goldenfold. You know my name? That's disarming. I also know you long for female company. You know, it has been lonely since the divorce. Some voids can't be filled with Jamba Juice. This aftershave makes a man quite irresistible to women.

NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt"., Plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop,

Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail?

You son of a bitch!

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, It's still raining up here J,

Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody.

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

J, Shit on the floor J,

Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on.

clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today!

Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family. And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter.

Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty!

So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad.

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica.

Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"!

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die.

For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.

So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous.

Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.

FEMALE UNITY: Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes. i 'm not strong enough to do it in persons. DELI VERY GU Y? i realize now that i 'm attracted to you for the same reason i can't be with you. You can't change. BEGGAR: And I have no problem with that, but it clearly means i have a problem with myself, N EWS PAP E R VE N DO R: /'m sure there's no perfect version of me.

Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. Aw, crap.

and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of --

They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time.

Hmm. Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it!

giant feet,

l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not.

It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God --

Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together. Dude, are you -- w-- you're being a dick, right? Oh, gosh, l-l hope not. l-l-l-l-l-l wouldn't want to offend you in any way. You're really a Rick? Y-- of course I am --

You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

You pass butter.

He's just a huge asshole.

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby. There was a seven-horse collision, and Davin's there alone. Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin.

I never go back to the carpet store.

- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.

What the fuck is going on?

Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus.

Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.

Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand.

Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life.

I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older.

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah!

I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth.

Uhhh...

Back off! I'm trying to be with my man!

and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean.

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years.

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe.

- Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?!

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8...

You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.

I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers.

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with?

Oh, Okay, good. This is gonna be fun.

The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine.

I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers -- Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

Um, Rick!

Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited. The Pluto-bel prize is the highest honor a scientist can receive.

NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt".,

Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty!

Grassss tastes bad-ah.

Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"?

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty!

My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,

sometimes science is about conviction.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax.

I don't want you missing school on Monday. MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown!

When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule! Nobody? Okay, tough church. Hi. Principal Vagina --

What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples.

Ohhhhh! Hey! Ohhhhhh.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad! MORTY: Drive carefully! Have fun, you two. Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic. Speaking of disasters, Dad, we are leaving you in charge. I know, c-can we wrap this up? Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

So, what are you in for?

Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here.

Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me!

You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up! Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill!

We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah! Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now,

Puffy vagina.

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town.

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend.

Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god,

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me!

Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.

pathetic, white, white,

She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know?

Look at this -- you beat cancer,

You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer!

J, Cosmos without hatred J,

Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not.

I like it, Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!

What about... Pirates of the Pancreas?

Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you?

Great President. All right, let's go.

It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me --

Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!

Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick?

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians!

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!

did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient."

You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty?

Burger time!

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought --

I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow.

Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

Oh, shit, dawg.

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!

"Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty,

Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die!

Oh, Jacob.

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J, Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh?

The plucky little ball of water and d/rt, which is where it gets its name, is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos. Spaghetti, kangaroos? l’ve gotta check this place out. Well, you can. Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details.

Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty, That's how we're gonna scam these idiots, So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick,

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die!

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty,

Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.

We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.

I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

Earth's on in six hours. Like we're not already under enough pressure?! - Whoa! Whoa! - Yeah! Geez, Morty, the guy's just doing his job. Take it easy. Rick, lce-T, could you guys take it less easy?! We've got six hours to come up with a song! Genius happens in the moment, Morty. Well, can we at least go get our family? You know, so we can take them wis-- With u-- with us if we lose?

The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.

school is stupid.

RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one.

Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large?

Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.

That's where my seeds are. lfwe would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them,

I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh,

It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline.

Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,

Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me. You know, parents are just kids having kids. One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son. I'm an alien?

After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.

Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.

Uh, sir? There's not a problem. What do you mean there's nota problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it! I'm trying!

Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps. All right, okay, y-you know, ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know? Look down there.

Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers? You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one.

Battle stations!

Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right.

It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J,

But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items? Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What? Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, "

See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to!

I'm just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. - You guys go nuts. - This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket. Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way.

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now.

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...

Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes. Yeah!

Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.

I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick!

Step on W We all got places to be! f honks horn f Son of a bitch. Oh, that must be where he lives. Okay. RICK: Huh. He's making himselfa sandwich now. Hey, everybody. So, this is my house.

JESSICA: Come on, Marty,

It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants.

My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here. You can have this back.

A whole world populated by intelligent dogs.

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you?

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff.

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah!

- Rick! - Pants!

So what? BOTH: "So what?" Yes!

SUMMER: Gross! Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know? Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with,

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous! I'm obviously being setup.

Here. You can have this back. You didn't use it? Sure I did -- to develop this. lt detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone," Ray Bradbury, "Friday the 13th" The Series voodoo crap magic.

Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here.

Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic. Speaking of disasters, Dad, we are leaving you in charge. I know, c-can we wrap this up? Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage. Hey, don't blow me off. I am drawing a line, okay? Any damage to this house or these children when we get back, and...

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation!

Their entire culture is built around their penises.

Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space. Eight, personal space. Nine, personal space. You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this --

Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

- O h, my god, - Aah!

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true,

Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.

Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules!

Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn,

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot.

Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. ..

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

- l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this?

Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy?

That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family. Wow. After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered, how have we spent it, and how do we spend the rest of it?

You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him. it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, .. before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl,

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop. Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill. Whoa!

and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long.

Are you hungry...for...apples?!

J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J, J, It's a small, small intestine J,

I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god!

What's new at school?

So what? BOTH: "So what?"

That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on?

Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh!

Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys.

No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

but I've become inebriated.

Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf--

So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid!

You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass!

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!!

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today.

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it.

Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?

Did he just say "Musical Reality Show"? Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all. Help! We should go get him.

H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?! PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising.

Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.

Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

Don’t even hesitate, don't even worry,

but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing! Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time.

You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones.

Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more. J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them.

For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them.

Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,

Well, ifthe old adage is true,

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty,

...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch?

I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.

We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go. Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears!

Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.

JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop. Why don't we proceed in an orderly --

Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy.

If that were really true, then...

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day.

but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there, but I know us, and you're real, Jerry. Remember our vacation?

J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here.

Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.

Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward,

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews!

Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV,

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.

You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich.

What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing?

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream.

Losing him. Stabilized. Okay, I only ask, Jerry, because, as you know, my job involves performing heart surgery. Well, yeah, on horses. Excuse me? Okay. Let's not rehash t/ratfight, I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. Whoa! What is this on the floor?

It's a good-a show!

We could be infested with these things.

the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

We're playing Yahtzee. Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. It's a fun game for fun families. Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second? it’s a 45-horsepower with antiiock brakes, and " the official car of "Mr, Sneezy 3D. "

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

and you can shoot thingsl Get over here! Play the games! Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets! "Ro y 2"just got here. Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it.

You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

Are those chokers from the '90s?

All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years.

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.

JERRY: Try not to worry about it, Marty, You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. You're missing the point, Dad. I don't want girls. I want Jessica. Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me.

Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.

Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it,

Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice. Pardon, Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension? Sure! Let's go to the ascension. Wh-wh-what is it?

Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,

- They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir.

Lick, lick, lick my balls!

Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus.

Um, first of all, hello.

Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world,

Run, Marty!

RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

This guy right here -- super-weird.

Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god.

I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms.

My god, the man's a genius.

Um -- Wow, Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer. I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever?

Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie.

No, stop! Don't kill him!

even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker.

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry!

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook. A-ho, ho, ho, everybody.

Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit, - Smith family? - Yes?

It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.

because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted.

I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty,

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave. That is a hatch. Your father put a hatch in my garage. You don't know it was him. Anyway, we're not supposed to be in here. Obviously, neither is whatever's gurgling down there.

Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet -- Opening myself up to others. SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers!

You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.

Zing! That guy got it.

Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty.

Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened.

So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit.

Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car.

Marty, crack the window.

J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Like talking to a brick wall.

What are you doing, Marty? This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory, but Grandpa and government don't get along. ALIEN: He saved my life. - What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" --

Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons,

from his march on Flirk Blirk Square to his ongoing battle with heroin dependency.

RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me.

Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree!

The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other. Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?

RICK: I've got so many, I can barely hold them all. Look at -- look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me.

He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty,

Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite!

Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting. RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides.

This is a candid shot. I don't require a camera so -- Sorry.

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically.

Where did he get a gun? Who gave him a gun? That's not a gun. That's the XP-20 XS, Ah! Oh, my god, I'm a good person.

I know, right?

Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.? Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel. I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, but beyond that... I know you can do it, son. I think it's time I get a place of my own,

27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council.

Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast.

Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

No! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad. What? For real? TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled.

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here?

Where are my testicles, Summer?

What a life.

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly. In the meantime, please, stay on the ship and enjoy a complimentary plate of James Cameronion rings. Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken. I am gonna go back to the room to finish my book.

Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place?

Oh, the Hulk. I just got that. Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose. Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs? ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky!

Disqualified!

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this?

get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real.

When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't!

You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah! Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts!

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite.

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise.

Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god! Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

What a life. Did you get any ofthat?

I need your help.

Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!

Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes! Summer's gonna like me again. Lincoler, come on! Let's get out of here!

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute.

I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick!

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents.

What's that, Marty? I think you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

No! Get out of my head, parasite! No!

Run! Relax, Marty,

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty, in a world where muscular Mannies are coming,

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J,

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right?

Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes. Yes, look through my eyeholes. /'m the E yeho!e... Man. /'m the only one that's allowed to have E yeho!es.

Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.

Plumbuses. Everyone has a plumbus in their home.

Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

Huh. Big star in the sky. Oxygen-rich atmosphere. Giant testicle monsters.

Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?

I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet.

I'm traveling with my son and father-in-law.

I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife.

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty,

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

What do you know about friendship, Jerry? Confirmed, shipping Jerry. - Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! - Oh, god! Jerry! Dad! Dad! Where is it taking him? I assume planet Squanch -- 6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself. That's how friends are. Or does he want her to himself? J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke!

Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means?

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way -- Already lost interest. Get in the car.

Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back!

but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast!

But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la."

Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137, the council apologizes for its false accusation, and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time.

It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff.

Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years.

Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves,

It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly.

Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs.

Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right?

MORTY:

Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me!

Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

Yeah, uh... give me a sec. These are the forms for the employee health plan. All right, yeah, put -- put them on my-, eh. I just got bored. Everybody out. JERRY: All right, just one more rally, then I promise we'll get back to your science project. Dad, Pluto isn't a planet.

What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.

Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS!

For god's sake, Nathan,

There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty.

SUMMER: Dumb.

You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board.

Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty,

You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do!

The most important love you can receive is from yourself.

The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are. lfwe would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because y-- because you're so in love with school. All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under--

but less off-putting. Oh, shiiit! It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson. Must be time for his annual Oscar party. And, by the way, our TV signals take light years to reach his planet. Nobody tell him that "Braveheart" wins. [music plays f Greetings, This is Birdperson. And Tammy! Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh!

Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama '

Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.

Let's go down and check her out.

I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself.

Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw.

Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world

Oh!

Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Oh, shit.

Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

Motherfucker!

Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know?

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.

You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed

Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries!

They took my portal gun.

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

They changed it in 2006,

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people?

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh.

l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks.

What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot! You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what?

Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson. Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.?

Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty,

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,

W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty,

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please!

How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it!

A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

Oh, Jesus! Dale!

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh...

Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.

Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit.

You son of a bitch! Eat this!

ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Annie. ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick.

But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla."

On tonight's episode,

That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth?

at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night.

Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.

Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!

Wish I could say the same.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!

Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh!

Come on! Aah! Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay!

Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame.

You're being very aggressive, Jerry.

So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!

Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me. We're playing Yahtzee. Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. It's a fun game for fun families. Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second? it’s a 45-horsepower with antiiock brakes,

You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.

All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick!

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!

JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.

Seems good.

Ohhhhh!

They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Marty, They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay! What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got.

J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops,

- We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is. Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50?

No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.

Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks,

Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one ofthree meals that have existed for millennia. Losing him. Stabilized.

W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.

J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!

RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

I know you're in here. La-la-la-la -" No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.

Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins! Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat --

and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho! J, Oh, it feels good J, Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting!

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

we could finish the job and go home.

Oh! Good work, Morty.

Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty, And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry, and the Zigerions got nothing of mine. Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes.

J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,

undefined Chris!

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?!

Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system --

It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.

What kind of business do you do in a garage? You know, this seems a little shady. Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty? Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady.

J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,

Hold on.

I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower.

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird.

Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick.

...seven...

Everybody stop remembering!

l dabble, Mr. President.

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.

Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!

It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No! Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch!

Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.

Here's where I am.

Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks!

There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries!

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J,

What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick.

Oxygen-rich atmosphere. Giant testicle monsters. We'll be fine! Let's party!

Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance.

However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this.

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

You know what? Screw it! I have a better gamble for you guys. I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys.

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.

Where is Marty?

Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park.

A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty,

You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure.

Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm...

Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract!

Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty,

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible.

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J,

l'd hang out with Jerry all day. Affirmative! Returning to sender. No, hold on, stay, courier flaps. Staying! Dad, you have a friend... that's getting married. That's a big deal. It's a big deal he has a friend. What do you know about friendship, Jerry? Confirmed, shipping Jerry. - Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! - Oh, god! Jerry! Dad! Dad! Where is it taking him?

Wow, What do you know? Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg. Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty, And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry, and the Zigerions got nothing of mine.

It's a good-a show!

Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!

Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

Pride cometh before the fall.

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe.

BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother.

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J,

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us!

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Aah! Unh!

You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me!

You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified.

- Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell!

It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four." Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something.

Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected,

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying! All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick?

Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse,

Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,

Jesus.

Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.

He's getting married!

I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy.

Cynthia. . . JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na, - I told you. - Hold on. not marry me F i chose Veronica. - What?! - Yes! - Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her?

Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son.

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy?

Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain.

Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree,

JERRY: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk.

J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,

Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah,

Taco time!

I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what?

It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane.

All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.

What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too.

The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. 9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit!

Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?

minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics.

Oof!

Guys, Mom and Dad are, like,

Hmm.

Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6:00 pm, so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children. I'm going to start dinner! I don't know what to say. Summer is doing really well here. She's aced every test in potato class,

Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.

inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh... We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time.

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks!

It's a good show!

Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school.

W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages. I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?

Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort?

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave. That is a hatch. Your father put a hatch in my garage. You don't know it was him. Anyway, we're not supposed to be in here. Obviously, neither is whatever's gurgling down there.

You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously. Uh-oh, Marty, Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss? Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty,

the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room? Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?

Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. Um...

My name is...

And the final ingredient...

After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Good bye. Yeah! We did it! Yes!

It's okay. We're not gonna hurt you. My name is Marty, This is my grandpa. - We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified...

H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty,

No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!

A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human?

And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah. Hi, folks. Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6:00 pm, so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children.

I remember it differently.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.

Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no.

Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean?

I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute.

Why not? I don't know. lt's Indian giving. A sophisticated predator, nature 's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill,

He's the best.

Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to. Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

Whoa! Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh!

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh!

ALIEN: He saved my life. - What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart.

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad!

- Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor.

that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.

Well, I thought I'd walk to the South Pole and do a little bit of exploring. Ifyou guys need me, just yell or throw something so hard that it goes around the world and hits me. Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world, Please, he's in the South Pole! And we need to have a serious conversation.

Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States.

Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't.

What kind of Christmas is this?

Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.

He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps. All right, okay, y-you know, ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know?

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. That's what I think of your crystals, Rick!

So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred.

No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, l'd hang out with Jerry all day.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman!

That'll keep 'em busy for a while. Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer. I'm scared, Rick.

You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse!

That movie sucked.

If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

Your failures are your own, old man.

You know what? l-l-l accept your call to adventure, good sir, kind sir. Come on, Rick. There's a giant in the clouds! Yeah. Beginner's luck. MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives.

J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis.

Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J,

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right.

just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser.

Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor

That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!!

Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers?

[grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake do-o-o-o-rsi

I-I'm sorry, Jacob. I-I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and origin of your relationship with my parents. Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son. Now, wait. Th-there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly.

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

I don't know what to say. Summer is doing really well here. She's aced every test in potato class, and look how important potatoes have become. She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew. Please help me. You can reach me if you try. Please help me! That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving. Taco time!

Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other.

Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live? Stop asking! Yes, lwill! That's right, assholes. Take my penis. Take it all! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!

Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here.

Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do!

Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do. Aah!

Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids.

I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick? H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth!

Grandpa?

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy.

Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J,

Hey!

Red alert!

Did you get any of that?

Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine. But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th, Deal. All right.

where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.

JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America, welcome to our Ad Agency. I'm Jerry Smith. All right. I'll just...get to the pitch. Um, simple question, gentlemen, what are apples? Excuse me. Ahh,

Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race! Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

Oh, Jesus.

Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space. Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space.

but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays.

lt detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone,"

l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

Hey, what's up, Squanchy? Hey, Squanchy. Marty, Summer! And you must be Beth. Mwah! Ensquanche! Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, like the Smurfthing? Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Oh, Okay.

H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field.

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it,

Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now. Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see?

Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,

Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay.

Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all.

God is dead! The government's lame!

You animals! Animals!

- You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! This place is the worst! I want to go home! Well, it really doesn't matterwhat youwant, because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears!

I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, Iike...an Appley or something. Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns? Yes. Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap!

Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers! The party's squanching on at my place! Cool. I'm coming, too. Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy?

The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies,

It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this.

Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!

Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing. Then Jacob came into our lives, and...we're learning to live again. All three of us, Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there.

J, It's a small, small intestine J, It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something.

Wha? Oh my God, the track!

MORTY: I don't know, Rick.

walking around.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty!

still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.

Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick.

Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable.

I mean, I'm not doing much of anything. What do I do if it cries? Then you put it down and let it cry itself out. Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer, and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L"

W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life.

Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up,

These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home.

Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal?

Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft...

Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good. Oh, my god, They're walking up the driveway.

my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.

What?!

Can I show these to you? Wow.

lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this? You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty? Any idea what that is down there? The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them.

J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit?

Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my cahapes.

Oh, what the hell?! I know, right? MORTY: Jerryboreel?

I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world.

Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

"Dada." Domination!

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you, but there is still time. I am yours until my death. ALL: Aww! Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson!

Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name!

My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.

I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch."

C-can we please? This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?!

Have a little perspective. Hey, Rick, squanchy party, bro! Aw! Squanchy! Is there a good place for me to squanch around here? Squahchy, you can squanch wherever you want, man, Mi casa es su casa, dawg! All right! I like your squanch!

Isn't that what adventures do?

or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

So, what -- y-y-y-y-you're just gonna give up?

I thought I'd go out.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.

Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!

Pluto is... ...not a planet.

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What?

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god,

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school.

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon. I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles.

And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry.

Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention,

His subconscious is panicking.

but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying. I'll leave it at that.

You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra,

"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

and spirit, sa ve me.

Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck! GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise -- It's never pretty. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other.

No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through. You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J,

l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.

I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies.

I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Are you mad?! Everybody, in here! Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,

I'm Jerry Smith.

Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese? That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school.

www.rickandmortyadventures.

It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son. Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.

Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine.

and I need them to help me with my research, Marty, Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations.

SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right. I think I'm certain we're effed in the "A."

Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

I'll take you to dinner. Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine.

Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah!

No, we were...uh, just seeing if Summerwanted to ...uh... Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! Yeah. Totally. Let's go.

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude!

Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake do-o-o-o-rsi

And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk?

J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome! Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else. Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick. Now's not a good time. Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go!

"I don't give a fuck!"

Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick!

Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr.

People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

We can communicate.

He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah!

All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty, But these gears just started turnin'. LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry?

I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty.

You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik

They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun!

A sophisticated predator, nature 's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill, it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop?

Stupid motherfucker!

This fall, sparks Will fly...

I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

Seems like when I exist, life gets a little more -- I don't know -- predictable? When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. Give me a break. We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. Oh, I get it, Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,

I remember the conversation. We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours?

Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing. MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"?

Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah! So...

J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son.

Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?! Everybody, in here! Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.

The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie!

Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison?

I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it! HEADS: Hooray! Yeah.

Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

BETH: So, Dad, guess what tomorrow is, Martin Luther King Jr/s birthday. No. Well, it... might be. It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?

But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."

l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

A2, 3,4!

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs,

You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick.

We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty,

What's going on? FEMALE VC)ICE: ihave brokered a peace agreement between the giant spiders and the government, Thanks to the skilled diplomacy ofthis mysterious space car, from this day forward, human and spiderkind will live side by side in peace. We will stop bombing them,

Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill. Whoa!

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream?

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?

I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

- Wow! Look at all this stuff. - Yeah. This is me and my grandpa Rick's sci-fi workshop. Check this out. It's beautiful.

Disqualified.

Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty.

l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass!

We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me.

Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry.

Sh-sh-shut up.

Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus.

Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged. Beacon arriving, f device beeps f Okay, time to go.

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,

Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

You guys are enjoying this? Don't you feel a little patronized? How so?

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh...

I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird. It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Marty, Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins.

and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption. Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy?

Was this really the time to make that point, Summer?

Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here?

Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10!

Whatever. Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses.

l outrank you.

- JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell?

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!

"Get Schwifty" was a jam.

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap!

l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!

Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now.

What do you do?

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here!

We can adapt. We can communicate.

Because the two of you are the fucking worst!

You haven't failed. People like Rick are making me obsolete. I mean, seriously. I may be "the devil," but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell, where everyone thinks I'm smart and funny. No! It's not fair. Everyone in this town got something they wanted from you -- even Rick.

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? More are coming. Rick! Yeah, yeah.

Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

U nity?

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' --

Whoa. Not cool, Summer. This is a party. Everybody should be welcome. Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.

Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool.

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens.

There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not.

Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!

l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy, and then y-y-you help 'em? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together.

undefined I don't know what to do!

Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,

No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah!

/'m the E yeho!e... Man.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed!

I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,

J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns!

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through. You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic.

You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty,

No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here!

Good bye.

She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to --

Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart.

Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

Eh, unless she has the flu.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Okay, okay, you can change it, lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty --

See you at the Olympics,

Yes.

This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs.

You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty? Any idea what that is down there? The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are.

This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.

All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!

Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay.

All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out!

He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

What the hell?! I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right? MORTY: Jerryboreel?

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Hey, Rick. You know, this whole time, I haven't once heard you say that "wubba Iubba dub dub" thing that you usually say. Don't need ta, I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.

"Bitch."

What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why --

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.

You want to slow dance?

or...

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh!

lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas.

That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.

- Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen?

Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha!

SUMMER: Is it God?

Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck.

Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh...

I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.

A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible.

What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner.

Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama."

Please, ljust want to go home. Okay.

technically, the second freezer drawer is mine.

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you.

You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea.

20% accurate as usual, Morty.

It's never pretty. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other. As we can all see, this is hardly the real Garrrh and Zharbidar.

Mm. I'm so proud of you, Lucius. So, how much did we make? "We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god,

lfyou could all just stop screaming and chanting and making whatever that gesture means -- Excuse me. Come on.

You got that right. But, baby, listen -- Y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to -- got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know? I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay.

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

Summer?!

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you.

Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife.

There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom?

I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty,

Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

Eggnog? Now we are talking!

Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time.

- MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

What's -- what's up?

MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight.

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more. J, The worlds can be one together J,

ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out.

Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby. It's okay. We're not gonna hurt you. My name is Marty, This is my grandpa.

J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

RICK: Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator. That is multiphase quantum resonator. Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.

It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one. Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad,

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls.

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out!

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!

Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.

You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing?

I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse,

Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Oh, my god!

No! No! Ow!

Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never!

- It would go without saying, huh? - Yeah, it would. Did you hear me say it? Nah. The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older.

Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me.

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat.

Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.

And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.

J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look!

Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

A violent antique show.

Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.

Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I? So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more.

Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa!

It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there.

What the fuck is going on?

In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

You got that right. But, baby, listen -- Y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to -- got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know? I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay.

I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.

Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?

RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on?

l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her!

I need five minutes.

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this? You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty?

Y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to -- got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know? I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look.

l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario -- we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty,

Hi l’m a trunkperson, and i want -- i feel love in my heart, too, fast like you. i wanna be able to express that love with both a man and a woman. And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.

Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.

Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out. You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10,9... All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me.

Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage.

Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me! l-l never intended to harm you, I swear. I am trying to end the festival. W-W-What do you mean? l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival.

Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?

Jerry, what are you -- what are you doing in here?

Hi. I'm Morty's math teacher.

Marty!

I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me. I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry. I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you?

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God!

I'll be in the garage.

My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey...

Get your shit together.

You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies.

Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one.

You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good."

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Come on, Rick. There's a giant in the clouds! Yeah. Beginner's luck.

Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator.

MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick?

I'm a good person. No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.

No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.

Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you.

but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here.

SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true.

J, Seal my fate J, J, And when you breathe J, J, You breathe for two J,

Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J, J, And everything is one in the beauty J, J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah!

Leaving a partial length of severed urethra - To be threaded through -- Oh, you know what, I gotta -- I gotta laugh at myself here. I'm having a little laugh at myself because I just realized I haven't run this whole decision past my wife. Oh, Do you think she'll be okay with this? Oh, absolutely. Beth's automatically on board always with every decision I make.

I like hanging out. Tiny Rick!

but your eyes are so beautiful.

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison...

Noooooo!

And Tammy!

Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there?

Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad, at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby!

Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage.

It's raining blood!

Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium...

That's a huge step in the right direction.

Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty!

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica.

- I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

That's too bad.

Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy. MAN: Hey, Roy, you pulled those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale? Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty,

And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then? its two brothers and -- and they're gonna --

You don't have to mollycoddle me. I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing. I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest-- - Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you,

But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty, who I hear had a great party last night. So, class dismissed. You've got the day off! All right! Good work, Mr. Goldenfold! Yeah, get outside. Read a book. Put on some sunscreen, Danielle!

Amazing.

- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.

Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets.

and clothing stores have sweatshops. Is there a company hiring teenagers that isn't evil? This is my first job. You've been nice to me, Mr. Needful. You respect me. Please, call me "The Devil." I'd rather not, actually. Yes, perhaps not during business hours. I told you, I want to file a declaration that Pluto is a planet.

And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,

Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.

Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one. J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J,

and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's --

Ooh, watch out for that stuff.

It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence! Your slave is ill-mannered.

Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it,

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time!

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Grandpa, we need to go home, now,

Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?

Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.

Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?! Drop the gun. You don't understand! This guy was gonna kill someone! I guess that makes two of us, Aah! What are you doing, Marty? This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory, but Grandpa and government don't get along. ALIEN: He saved my life.

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me!

Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky?

Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from?

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.

Where'd you come from? My -- my -- my grandpa Rick sent me!

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age. Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science. A man and his boy, making planets. Hey, how about we use a ping-pong ball for Pluto? And then Jupiter --

What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty,

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no!

Since when do you have a job? Since last week.

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention,

Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick. ln here.

Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers -- Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

What are you doing with that, Poncho? Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea,

It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone. - Oh, boy, - Oh, Dad. Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend,

Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle. Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"!

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you?

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you?

You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10,9... All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic.

Hello, there.

it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?

Ah, damn. We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons.

Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.

JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government?

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?!

You know, I think Beta Seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical. Stop. Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill.

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't --

I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here! Holy crap! This is insane!

Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god.

WhOops.

Samantha, I need to know that you understand that l have a couple of eyeholes.

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean?

The homeless are now "Phisosophers."

I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on.

You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage,

Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you.

J, But we make sure they see the sun J, J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J,

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other.

Mm. Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure? That's right, Mrs. Smith. Give in to your anger. Neglect that deer. Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of of elk, moose, deer, and stag.

Shut the fuck up about moon men!

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names?

Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white,

J, Look on down from the bridge J,

Grandpa, go home and drink. Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age. Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science.

Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool.

Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school. Owl, Oof! Ugh!

Boo! Not cool!

Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty.

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General?

Oh, my god, Are those...

I'm traveling with my son and father-in-law. W-wait. Are they coming? Oh, they'll be back soon. What?! I don't know how this works! Help me! What the hell?! I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?

Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.

Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,

Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage.

is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh!

Oh shit!

f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love -- "The Personal Space Show, " ANNC)UNCER: More "Personal Space " next Tuesday at 8:00. Up next, the heat is turning up with Samantha and the Boys on "The Northsiders. " f speaking alien language f

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,

l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing.

No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long. You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room?

He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

- Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on. - Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved. No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it, - Yeah, I did.

Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race!

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.

Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris!

There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians,

but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover, Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her?

Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.

They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses.

Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay, which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable?

Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today? None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice. Hey, Marty, there's our Jerry. Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick.

First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical.

He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.

and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines.

You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: lt's-a good show-a,

and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being, I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme?

We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here.

I got this.

Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head.

Whoa! Look at you!

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible!

Happy to help... Rose.

Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!

They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going. Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.

Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?!

Are -- are -- are you people even human?

Hey, doc.

Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science,

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers!

Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man.

Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what?

Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm.

the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles.

Tonight, the only adventure you're on is your cusping manhood.

- How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful.

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,

Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. Whoa! What is this on the floor? Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea -- bad pitch -- let's put your Dad here. Let's put your Dad in a nursing home. We're losing him. Hey, Tom. We know when we're losing him. We can hear the beeps!

Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick! Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh --

It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that.

you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit!

And I'm lucky to have you, and I never tell you that! You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family. Please don't do this! Please don't do this! - Summer! - Summer, listen carefully. I stole a paper clip, and I have it in my cheek, but I don't know what to do with it, and it hurts. You're going to be okay. You will come back as babies. I am a baby! I'm a baby now!

You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth.

And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Yeah, Tammy! But then I think, you know, in a lot ofways, l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth. In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded.

Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,

Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

- Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither.

You got to get those seeds out of your ass. Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. What? I'm an angry father, not an improvisor. Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers?

Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!

Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

But I want to murder everyone I see.

I got the crystals!

The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy.

Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.

Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool.

He's saying "I love Obama." So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right.

Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.

My life is a fucking joke!

It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.

Okay, hold on just a second, Morty. Ooh.

is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk.

He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up,

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on.

Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got -- String Theory, World History, the Human Genome -- Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk! Shut up!

I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years? Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases.

Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right!

Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete.

It's too late. Ladies and gentlemen... don't brace yourselves. JERRY: No! What happened?! WOMAN: Their rail system must have failed. Totally gonna get laid tonight. I like your feathers. They are designed to attract the attention of the female.

Get back! Wait, for real? You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around!

Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak,

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch!

What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake.

It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!

Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me." Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically. No, Marty, Your grandfather is, indeed, in very deep pain.

You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them?

Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser. Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being.

We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip. Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward,

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

Gentlemen, gentlemen! One at a time! Simon?

They changed it in 2006,

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something.

LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry? Uh, almost. I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes. I'm sure it's good enough. Move! Every weekend, Jacks and Roses have their Titanic experience in this car, and lhave to mop it up, The floor drops out to make it easier.

24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.

You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party?

The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck.

I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation over here.

Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Aah! What?

Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.

Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.

Bye. Later.

Oh, no!

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.

Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh! If you 're from Earth, that means we’re getting married! Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson! What the hell is a Birdperson? He's Rick's best friend. Uh, l-let's not get carried away, Marty, Would you like to RSVP or send a gift? No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,

FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle,

He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. Aw, man. Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now, Ohh, man.

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die.

Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks.

See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works?

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

- It's a different planet. - By the way, life on other planets exists. Don't let it distract you. I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale. Okay. Deal. All right, I'm gonna go to the roof and set things up, Marty, you listen to his tale. Okay.

Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth.

Whoa! Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time. Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long? I don't know. How long do you guys want? A week? A month?

Oh, my god! Oh shit!

This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going?

l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy,

What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad!

Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ...

Summer, I've always loved you!

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me.

they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions.

Every kid needs a dad, but there's no replacing you. Hey, you want to give us a hand with this? We're trying to figure out how to get the sound coming through the stereo instead of the TV, l-l-lt's very difficult. Oh! Uh, well, is there an aux input? We tried that, but there's two different colors. But there's two different colors.

That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community. May my chores complete me as I complete them.

This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?! Hey!

It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,

It's-a good-a show!

Get down. Hurry. Run. And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it. With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice.

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!

Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Marty, They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay!

undefined ....versus a car. On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires.

Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

And now I'm -- I help people. I save people. I'm a troublesome octopus person. Uh-Oh. I gotta save some trouble 'cause here comes a trouble mite. SUMMER: Gross! Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?

Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"?

I care now. You made me care more.

Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.

How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.

So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging."

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is.

Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.

Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math.

Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice. WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do.

You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are. l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop.

We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

- My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn. Finally. I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline. I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born. That came out wrong, That came out very wrong,

Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going... to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl. Gee, thanks, Brad.

Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.

There's plenty of them, you little goofball.

I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo!

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it!

W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive.

Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo!

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky.

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!

J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome!

Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round?

I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

You think it's efficient to get rid of women? You ever see a line for the men's room? Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer?

Like, letting go ofthe need to be popular is what makes people like you. The most important love you can receive is from yourself. Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you. Don't tell me that!

Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive? RICK: Whoa, Marty, You just purged.

Summer! Ethan?

You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever. It's become clear -- look at me --

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-,

Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves,

To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years. Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J, Here's the deal. I'm not here to judge. I'm just a guy from another planet. But this girl is one of your poor people,

and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

I'm just saying, it's bad craftsmanship. BETH: Coffee time! RICKS: Yo, yo, yo, yo! That's what I like to hear! Hi, Jerry. Leave me alone. I'm working. Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow!

Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story.

Too fast. SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol --

please give me a call.

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!

lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you?

Hey, that's mine!

This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are. l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him?

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah!

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

Marty! Summer! It's me! lt's Rick! Regular Rick!

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers.

Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?

J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles?

You're fired. Wha--

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size,

I would love to have you.

Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee,

JERRY: So... what do you think? You're fired. Wha--

It's like that old song "Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop." Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares?

You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver. l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.

This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball.

- English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.

Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you?

Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what?

- Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time.

This here is my grandson, Marty,

- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool.

giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true,

Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.

Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you.

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap.

Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough.

Get back! Wait, for real? You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around! How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch!

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad!

Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming.

JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it. lfyou can find one, too, we should be safe for hours, maybe days! You stay put, Jerry. I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch?

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You."

Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

A movie about a guy eating shit.

Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I can craft stuff, too, pal!

They're not gods. All right!

You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon.

That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it?

If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

Hold on.

Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry!

Ooh, family vacation!

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites.

Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote.

SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing.

Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me!

No, you're the worst! You don't support this family!

Boy, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Marty, A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty!

Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

RICK: What an asshole!

/M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty?

Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty,

- W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge? Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me? Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes.

No! Not twigs!

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty?

Diabolic son of a motherf-- We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto."

l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth.

Yes.

J, Do you feel it? J,

I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians!

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy!

- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know?

Guys, l'll choke up. I'll follow through. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay? Oh, we're well past that, Jerry. Come on, Rick, quit sk-- stalling. What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure.

Get back! Wait, for real? You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around!

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is.

Summer, you bitch! Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh?

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants?

Bird dick.

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right.

Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt.

Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick!

Here's another slogan right below that one.

Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline.

There is just one more thing. According to this state's Veterinarian statute,

J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right!

I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die!

Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!

You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?

Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

Whoa!

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com.

Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter! I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck! She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here --

The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.

See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love --

Jesus Christ!

You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her.

I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing.

You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes.

- Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken.

If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself.

W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee,

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?!

'cause our weeds are wack, yo. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here. l "c an't"? Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean? Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect.

undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.

What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.

Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something.

Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out!

Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!

Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?

...between one guy who can't get a break... There's something about you, Mrs. Sullivan. ...and nine cats who break all the rules. "Last Will and Testi-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House // " Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts?

There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. Rick, when we met, l was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change... Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. Hey, listen, I've grown, too.

Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital.

Jews rule!

Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie! Rick and Summer of Earth, for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick. ln here.

it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick.

Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying.

Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this, just because Grandpa Rick is? It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?

Aw! Squanchy! Is there a good place for me to squanch around here? Squahchy, you can squanch wherever you want, man, Mi casa es su casa, dawg! All right! I like your squanch!

Breaking news -- Academy Award- Winning actor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown.

Are you kidding me?! Come on!

Come on in, guys.

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad, and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing. All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it,

It's Hepatitis A!

That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.

Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing?

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland. Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent.

I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick. I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty, Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief.

what do you think? You're fired. Wha-- But t-this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation. Well, then, it was a terrible simulation. Get out. Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?

- They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir. There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians, all the famous ones... they're gone. Dear god.

Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy --

I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

You sons of bitches!

Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls.

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,

You know what I mean?

Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J,

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral.

You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors. Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.

The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.

Aaaaaah!

No, you need to let me talk! Shut up! Hold it! Don't move! Stay back! This watch turns people into snakes! Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery.

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J, J, It doesn't match your face J, J, Get them away, away from this place J,

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go!

Just hit a button, Marty! Give me a beat! Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery. Wait! You can't leave me here! You'll be fine.

I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone.

We're so screwed!

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing. MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air! Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating.

Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space. Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space. Eight, personal space. Nine, personal space.

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right.

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...

There, every being is a letter ofthe alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up,

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?

Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble.

Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is. You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong?

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about,

J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with, l'll break who you -- J, And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front. Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought --

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this?

Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?

We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage.

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target. Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music.

Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome.

Disqualified.

I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work.

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes.

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry.

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting.

I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it!

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math.

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.

I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"!

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?

Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]

Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real.

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown.

There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated!

So, how much did we make? "We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty,

You know what to do. f beep ]

They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad. Let's find a control room or something. JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it.

Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half...

Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god!

Grandpa's back, baby!

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.

I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.

Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee, and knock this thing out in two or three days.

That's planning for failure, Marty, Even dumber than regular planning. Balls.

Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

There's one every season.

up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, ..

Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

That's very funny!

Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves!

Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around.

Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots?

Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

Ooh, yeah! Can do!

I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about?

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man.

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!

Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs,

RICK: Unity! Unity! Unity! How can I assist you? I want to talk to Unity, Beta Seven. I know it's in there. You're classified as a hostile entity, and Unity doesn't want to talk to you. I know your game, Beta Seven. I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in-the-wings shoulder to cry on!

All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!

J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man!

I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!"

No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

Hey -- hey, brother. Hey, bra, Nice racket you got going on here. Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant.

q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

What proc-- Hey, Dad, where's Marty? He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty,

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power.

What in the hell? Sex sells, Marty, Sex sells what? Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff?

The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!

It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy!

There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up!

I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff I need to deal with. Don't worry about it, Marty, Remember those candy bars earlier... that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty,

Rise above. Focus on science.

It's really weird. It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Marty, Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins. I'll take two. Oh, I think you've had enough, sir. You don't know me.

You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh.

Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no.

What?! Pants!

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee!

I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community.

There's crucial things happening here every day.

I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain.

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak,

Oh, he -- he's looking a lot better. RICK: Listen, Beth, don't torture yourself. I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale. ls, um, is he mad at me? He's not pressing charges. I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad.

"Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell?

That's the difference between you and me.

Come on, Morty.

It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it?

Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me?

It's beautiful. You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you. What's that, Marty? I think you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah!

That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.

My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering. Smith Jr/s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father,"

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse,

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?!

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better.

It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...

Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]

And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend!

- Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me,

RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side ofthe screen like that? I don't know, Marty, See what else is on, huh? Hey, weicome to "Cooking Things. " i 'm Pichaei Thompson. Hey, wait a minute, Rick. This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left. Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this.

Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now?

Jerry, go ahead and sit there and put this on. This machine isolates the part ofthe subject's brain containing all perceptions of its romantic partner. And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life.

It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!

Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No!

Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

Now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak-ass time again. How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah.

Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man. I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery.

J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty,

Ooh. Ohh.

Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone. No, no, no, no. Rotary. And pay phone on half.

none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work. We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as, because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate.

Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray!

O h, my god! Aah!

ALIEN: He saved my life. - What? - Huh?! Whoa! Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" --

Oh! Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting!

Concentrate, Morty. Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.

PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising.

Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

South Pole discovered, baby!

Oh, shit.

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects.

J, Are you afraid of me now? J,

You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Get your shit together.

- Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.

I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live.

and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby!

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me. Bring up the holograms.

but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest-- - Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread.

When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car?

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed.

Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying. Now make them all make fun ofthe blonde one. Now make them all do it on the table. I can't believe you created a whole show for me.

Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

iiove him more than you do, Harold!

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something?

The shoes have to be turned on! BETH: I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret? I told you -- l was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.

RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Rick. Portal. Hurry.

E, Coli outbreak. Hurry!

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em. Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone. No, no, no, no. Rotary. And pay phone on half.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them.

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty.

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

l have to admit,

Allahu Akbar!

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?!

l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm.

- We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is. Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50? Where am l? Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital.

I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer. Oh, right -- because there's something about having a Wiener that would make me better at walking through a hole? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick!

No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough.

I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

Suit yourself.

This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them.

These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

Grandpa, go home and drink. Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age.

Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue?

Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.

So good luck with your shitty marriage,

J, These memories that we have J, J, These memories that we cherish J,

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,

When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what?

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you.

What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

You don't fuck with time!

Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am. Marty,

All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

No, I'm Mr. Crowbar,

I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty?

I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad.

Fuck Earth.

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will --

What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs,

Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry.

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us.

Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing!

Did you get any of that?

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues?

My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing!

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table.

Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty. Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

Race war! Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh?

I love you so much. Um... You did it again, cubbie. Come here. No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human!

Take me to Marty, You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar.

This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty,

Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!

Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them.

Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

How long will you be visiting Earth? Oh, we live here. We were just off-planet for a wedding. Go that way.

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this.

What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down!

I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo...

Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with. J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch!

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.

Yeah. Good one, Jerry.

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged."

There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa! J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!

Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me!

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity?

I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa!

A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.

You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

J, Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo J, Boy, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Marty, A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare!

They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb.

Seriously, Rick?

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires.

J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. Grandpa Rick, couldn't you, like, use your superknowledge to turn yourself into a teenager and come to our school and help us hunt the vampire down? Um -- Wow, Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer.

Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate. Well, we want to make it work, if we can, It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know, gonna get a divorce? I think it's okay to dream, Marty,

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

I got to tell you, this morning, I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.

That's beautiful. You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No!

l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil.

Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh... We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours!

But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!

SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!!

Just follow my lead.

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff. Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid?

We got a bag of bobbish.

Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.

Oh shit. Oh shit.

Oh, shit.

Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!!

Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot.

I'll get my jacket. Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny.

Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over. We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire! Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay?

Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs.

It's a good-a show!

All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.

Problem solved.

Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

I hate video games! You take that back!

Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you, but there is still time. I am yours until my death. ALL: Aww! Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson!

Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know?

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

J, Just shake that ass... J,

When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16.

Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school. I hate acting. I hate cocaine. I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been. J, Give me a name J,

He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide.

Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later.

He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals.

But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right? Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance.

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out.

Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart. You thought about getting an abortion? Everyone thinks about it, Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it, so you're welcome. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, thank you guys so much. It's a real treat to be raised by parents that forced themselves to be together instead of being happy.

Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

J, Don't leave me J, J, Never leave me out J, J, Don't leave me J, J, Never leave me out J,

Calling all Jan Michael Vincents.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!

We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.

There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit.

- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery,

Depending on my aim,

the next minute, bam! Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under -- Uh, what? It was your job, Marty, - Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer. I got to back the "M" bomb on this one. I remember the conversation. We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer!

I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved?

When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks.

I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back. Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you?

I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here,

You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra,

Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty.

100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death.

I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!

I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon.

Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me. You know, parents are just kids having kids.

where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf-- We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto." And a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry? Pluto is a planet.

Jerry, get a job.

W-w-why would you even say that?

Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do?

Or,,,

Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice.

No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. No!

Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son.

You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right!

I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi!

These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

You're a great student and the fact that you're an 80-Year-Old man in a clone body, it never bothered me. But this here is another matter. You recognize this? We got a tip it was in your locker. Yeah, now, because the gym coach was a vampire, the school board is embarrassed and won't take it public. However, they can't have students killin' teachers. I gotta expel you for this one, TR.

you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck.

Too many.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick!

You know, so we can take them wis-- With u-- with us if we lose? That's planning for failure, Marty, Even dumber than regular planning. Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty,

Get them! Run, Marty!

I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything,

Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and l have here in my hand a motion to dismiss.

It's on the house. Oh, and, uh,

I'm flattered and humbled. Oh, I like that. Use that in your speech. Also, talk about Pluto being a planet. People like that. Your highness, we've captured Scroopy Noopers. You animals! Animals! Ooh, look who's little journey's come to an end.

Not sure. Maybe in a much biggerway, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after,

Great. Hey, you know what, Marty?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles? That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends.

Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks! Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?!

No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine.

I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye.

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke! Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it,

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.

What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.

What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.

MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad?

Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school.

Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!

mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.

I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?

We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

- You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,

Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow.

Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside.

We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet.

J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J, J, Goes away in the end J, J, You could have it all J,

There's only supposed to be six people in this house. But there's always been 10. No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us,

I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon.

Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell?

Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you? Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it.

What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck.

God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday!

FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed

The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh!

A rail system seems archaic for an attraction this impressive.

Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions.

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could --

I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay?

Rick!

W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats.

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me.

Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!

Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes.

- Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa!

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you.

It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right. Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast!

I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick.

In reality, you're as dumb as they come.

That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold, or is itjust me? I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. I am here if you need to talk. - What is this place? - Paradise.

Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well...

Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard? Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you. Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home.

Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt.

Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.

They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!

cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird.

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

Hey, these two freaks have no race! Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,

Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.

So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure. Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together.

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer!

Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God!

Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy. Our pleasure.

You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded!

and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing. All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean?

Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy --

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser.

Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam. Hello? Yes, sir, yeah.

I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah!

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English?

You little piece of shit.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up,

Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors.

they set aside their previous lives as individuals. Give me a break. We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night.

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary.

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer.

I guess this means goodbye. W-W-Well, does it have ta? I mean, you -- you lookjust like Rick. We could maybe, you know, get rid of him. I'm not saying kill him, necessarily. l -- I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but -- Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives.

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.

Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome. J, Look on down from the bridge J,

J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel that I can see your soul? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J, J, I want it real J,

Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small.

It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles.

No, no, no, no! You better keep back! Man, this will turn your ass into a third-trimester fetus from 30 yards.

Yeah. Talk to me.

Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody.

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there.

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!

Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay. Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap!

Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes.

The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

Science isn't always easy, Morty.

Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo!

Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

Y-- of course I am --

Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about!

I do? Well, duh day, son. Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world,

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are.

And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em. Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone.

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me!

I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry.

i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?

It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.

So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help!

It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days,

Hey, brah! I don't understand. Are you enjoying this? Do you like this? Yeah, you know it, dawg! Whoo, baby! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die!

After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream.

What do you think of these things?

You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture.

but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe.

Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show.

I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver.

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world.

Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty,

l'm Rick.

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?

Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!

What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die.

Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Show me what you got! Uh...

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery.

We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times.

but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick!

You're welcome. Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,

Oh! Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right?

He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all. What's that? Who's that baby?

Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this...

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um...

l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight...

Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death.

but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that?

W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen? Okay. - Yeah, you like that? - Screw you. So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge? l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool.

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.

f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell?

Like The Insane Clown Passe,

Baal, You suck, whatever your name is. RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see. Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way.

You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep.

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Boom!

who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you.

You can't leave. You're 17. Yeah, and I'm not pregnant.

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention.

Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.

Top, My top!

Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified.

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space.

At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging."

Seriously, Rick? Y-y-you'll -- you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death.

Yes. Yeah!

She's aced every test in potato class,

But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four." Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry.

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp.

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela? Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

What is my purpose? Pass the butter.

He'll be fine.

You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters.

l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.

He recognizes the other dogs on TV,

The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now. This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness, so we are forced to improvise. We placed a large boulder on that ledge. Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?!

What the hell are you doing?! Put it down!

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro! I can't believe she's here. Well, what are you doing standing here, Marty? Go, Talk to her.

O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.

Very well. Your exile ends today. Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father!

How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter? Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention. To a conversation about vampires?! Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires, because I wasn't paying attention, which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role,

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse.

The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's --

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony.

Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird.

W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty,

It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?

Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point, the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines. The resultant lack of distraction and hen-pecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age, and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long.

I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why? Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?! Everybody, in here! Hey, Gonorrhea!

Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half --

to the purely pornographic.

Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me!

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that?

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time.

I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that.

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?

but your guess is as good as mine, Marty,

Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.

Are you guys Power Rangers,

I've never been any good at disappointing Rick.

Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man!

My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there.

I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer."

Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on,

Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run! Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl. Oh, Jacob. I-I'm sorry, Jacob.

Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.

This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me,

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers.

Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!

ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and --

We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.

I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it...

You're welcome.

Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that,

I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand.

Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist,

Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!

Get in the goddamn ship!!

An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles,

So, what are you -- like, the devil? - What? Sorry? - I don't know.

Well, then my son's going to fail his science class, and when that happens, l'm suing you first. I think I know what the "A" in NASA stands for. - Dad, what's your endgame? - Ain't no game, sucka. Why don't we just make the solar system with eight planets? It's even easier. Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round?

It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases? Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship.

Ow!

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're --

Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to --

- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty?

Strike one.

J, Last King Christmas last arrived J, J, On the Christmas Christmas J,

What are -- what are you, nuts?

You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty,

Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.

"Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear." SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers!

Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Okay, this one's bigger. This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh?

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic.

The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. 9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit! - BOTH: Whoa! - 1 out of 10 times, it's a deadly trap, but I'm ready to roll those dice.

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon. I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS?

Jesus.

You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --

Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real.

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison? Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is --

Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone!

It's okay. We're not gonna hurt you. My name is Marty, This is my grandpa. - We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl.

We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline. All right, Rick, look -- how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me?

Listen, you can't both be in denial about it, Okay, bye. Summer! You can't throw a party! Rememberwhat mom said? Yeah, if anything gets messed up, you and Grandpa Rick get punished. I'm only a human being, Marty, Rick, tell Summer she can't have a party! Uh, Summer, you can't have a party. Because I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't!

It's just Rick and Marty --

Since when do you have a job? Since last week.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us,

Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover,

What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down? Well, it's bath,

It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep.

You little turd.

Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?

Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad.

Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week.

MAN: It's a good show.

My lust!

Droppin' loads. ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J, Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.

Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast.

What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and --

but the key is, it has to be our daughter, not this person she's become. We'll take our chances raising her without fancy new jobs, outside of a potato-based religion. And you know what? l-l'm sick of pretending that we're together because of the kids in the first place. I married you because you're the love of my life.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah!

i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch,

Hello. Guess who just sold the apples campaign. Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse,

"Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery.

Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up. - Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss.

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad! Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car!

there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him.

you might start enjoying yourself. Whoa! Look at you! You're wearing the hat and everything! Here's yours! Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice.

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast.

We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts.

What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

Ow! I'm defeated.

Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick.

Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.

What's he doing? What's he crafting?

I'm a good person. No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?

This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger.

Fuck you!

Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death!

I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me.

A Mexican armada shows up, with weapons made from t-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers,

Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right? ALL: Never. Never. Back in a flash.

I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,

Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach.

Birdperson!! No!!

I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster. Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh?

Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah. Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester.

But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!

- Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all.

I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right.

Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty,

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

As we can all see, this is hardly the real Garrrh and Zharbidar. Which is good, because the relationship in their heads is not only ugly, it's unsustainable.

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi.

and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah.

Let's just say you don't pay-, with money.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

Stay.

Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run! Get out here and help me! They say you shouldn't do that! Just run!

Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship.

- Master. - Speak. Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name?

Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?! So, how, exactly, is your old body living in there, Grandpa Rick? Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid, ... that kind ofthing. lt preserves living tissue. Not that there was much to preserve. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha! And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer. Oh, my god, Toby Matthews is asking...

Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.

- Here's another. - l’m the killer.

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay.

Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica.

Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either

You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot?

I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,

I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty, You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop, You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick. What do you know, Marty? What do you know?

BETH: What is that supposed to mean?

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this,

J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J, J, It's a small, small intestine J, It goes on like this for miles.

Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait.

All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly. l-l've seen some nerve gas, but that -- this gas got nerve! You know what I'm saying? - Are you done? - I'll let you know, Marty,

I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward,

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?" It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk.

However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "Space AIDS" as you put it. And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's,

I mean, let's face it --

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler.

Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt. That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them.

Okay, listen carefully.

See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go.

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now. Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty?

J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,

I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded!

...not a planet.

Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.

that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family!

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship.

Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.

l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.

like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family?

Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that,

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland.

All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now.

BOTH: Nice. So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett,

Come on. It's not every day that I'm town. It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet? I can do whatever you do and more, baby.

Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

Poncho, you son of a bitch!

Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day.

No, no! Look, you idiot!

Oh, no. What the --

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story, to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it. Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black.

It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,

I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.

Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?

- No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.

and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls!

I got you pregnant.

Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame. My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.

Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

We've got six hours to come up with a song! Genius happens in the moment, Morty.

you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

Where am I?! You're at a wedding. Go change. J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J, J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J, J, Fat beats and an alien smile J, J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J, J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J,

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it,

Grassss tastes bad-ah.

Oh, my god, You have eight eye ho-- holes.

l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

Leave me alone. I'm working. Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy, and then y-y-you help 'em? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together.

Neglect that deer. Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of of elk, moose, deer, and stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends.

I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!

l extracted it from a vole.

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!

l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there,

lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down,

Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

Ohhhhh!

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty!

I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

Oh, listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person. Step out of your ego for a second and look at this thing -- it's a monster. He might have it chained up so that it doesn't eat the planet! Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs.

We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

They blew up,

Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

they -- they look like your friends, your family, your leaders, but they're not themselves anymore. They're part of...it. Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone?

We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure! Every 10th, Deal. All right. W-well, come on, let's get going. Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. Washing dishes? No. The opposite. Can you fix it? Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework? Yeah -- j-just don't do it. Grandpa!

Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding. But that's the opposite of what-- Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything?

Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister! Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already!

Oh shit.

All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive.

And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience?

I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves?

RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty, Uh, where? The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.

Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet. We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it.

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!

Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something.

I'm kidding. I know that's on me. Um, Rick! RICK: Shit. Well, I guess this is it. Marty, crack the window. I wonderwhy Greg is always so critical of my girlfriend. Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself.

It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what? We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take --

Rick! Yeah, yeah. Hey, have a good festival, old timer. I intend to. Rick, unlock it! Just a second, Marty, Oh, look at that sunset. Stop screwing around. There we go. Much better. Now we can see. Great.

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird. I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going.

Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

Nothing gets stuck in your lips. It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that?

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones.

Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most. Males... ...they get to play outside. That was just a baby.

What is my purpose? Pass the butter. Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what?

The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf.

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty -- one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they --

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor

What the fuck is going on?

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look!

Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here?

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J,

Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

Loud and clear, Annie.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill!

RICK: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up, Maybe Davin's digging around in herinsides. Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom. Well, she's my daughter, Summer. l outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card. She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off.

l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick.

You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile.

We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What?

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene. Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty?

Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed.

Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human.

I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, Iike...an Appley or something. Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns? Yes. Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap!

J, Everybody just wants to be free J, J, Look away from the sky J,

You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out.

Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.

lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!

Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

f chuckles f Here's our first person. Oh. Oh, my god, How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right!

Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay?

As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing.

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka!

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first. I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes.

none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work. We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as, because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt.

They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!

Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben. This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria,

- l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated,

You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos.

H-hello? Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

Wait a minute. l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

I think we all see what you both mean.

Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

Check this out. It's beautiful. You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you. What's that, Marty? I think you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there.

Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho! J, Oh, it feels good J,

and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right.

Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

Of course Pluto's a planet, son, I learned that in the third grade. Well, yeah, but you know they changed it. Marty, nobody changed the planets. I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet. They changed it in 2006, Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree?

Take him to Pluto-namo Bay. You can't kill the truth, father. What? I can see you're confused. Pluto-namo Bay is a military prison -- a sort of play on wards, Did he call you "father"? Scrcocopy Noopers, the anti-planet nut job, is your son?

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God!

something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions!

What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch!

ljust want to die! We all want to die!

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,

What the hell happened?

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside.

MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?!

Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black. Title -- 'three weeks earlier."' You really don't want to talk to me about this.

Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I --

don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake.

but also dancing.

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move. Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding.

Wubba lubba dub dubs!

Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing!

Are you telling me four billion Plutonians are wrong? You said science wasn't easy. I said science isn't always easy. Obviously, that means sometimes it is easy. Let's not debase ourselves with word games, son. Dad, theirwhole planet is dying. Ha! You called it a planet. Checkmate.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a --

He'll be fine. Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years? Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub!

Nice.

It's just, you know, when he was 30, she was an actual child. When he was her age, she wasn't born. When he was, let's see, like, 18, she was literally in there in yourwomb. Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth?

Fuck you! That's season one! Boom!

Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday! Well, did you even consider how that might make me feel?! How you feel?!

Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them.

and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants!

Puh! This late?

No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it,

Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday.

You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something.

We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later.

Seven. . .

Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha!

You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun,

You know, w-we're gonna go find some treasure or -- or something and -- and we're gonna bring it to those villagers. Marty, cut your losses. This is obviously a wash.

I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry.

I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale.

Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. Hey, listen, I've grown, too. l have! See, I've -- I've reconnected with my family, right? Hm. Why's that, I wonder? Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes.

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick! Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has.

Rick Sanchez! You psycho bag of squanch! Hey, what's up, Squanchy? Hey, Squanchy. Marty, Summer! And you must be Beth. Mwah! Ensquanche!

It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!

you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand. I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time,

ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Annie. ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well? Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it, Rick!

But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything.

First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room, There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez! I just gotta go to the bathroom. Damn. Oh, Okay, good. This is gonna be fun.

and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face?

Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now. This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness, so we are forced to improvise.

Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... Titanic- themed getaway. Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic. Speaking of disasters, Dad, we are leaving you in charge.

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty,

you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it.

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem.

Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!

Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable.

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,

Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it,

I know, c-can we wrap this up? Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.

and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty.

Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.

You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick,

You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

J, This is not a dance J,

Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

Something's gonna come through. I can feel it. I'm going inside. I guess this is what rock bottom feels like, Jerry. Ow! It's okay, Marty, It's the purge, you know? Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people.

Wait. What?

I got something for your ass.

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

Say -- say no?

Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped,

Oh, I love to hear you sing.

Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over. Whoa, Dad, you can't, like, endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away. Why not? I don't know. lt's Indian giving.

l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?

You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a Lifetime original above a fucking alien dungeon! Your relationship with your father is psychotic. Oh, listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person. Step out of your ego for a second and look at this thing -- it's a monster. He might have it chained up so that it doesn't eat the planet!

Time to go home. Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me! l-l never intended to harm you, I swear. I am trying to end the festival. W-W-What do you mean?

What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?

Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, lwill come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies. Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Marty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please!

"go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty,

Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in,

Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh ! That's beautiful.

It's hard for people to grasp,

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?

including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this!

I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three. See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right!

I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica.

Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it? I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, Fart.

You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

you don't want me and Rick to be happy? No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher. Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg.

Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man!

Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say.

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend.

Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here.

All right, Marty, time to make our move. Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now, You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! The name's not buddy.

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs.

I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow!

This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy.

You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick.

Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!

Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you.

Wha?

All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch, so i never know what's going on. Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know, Are we sure we wanna look at our own alternate lives? You're right. Maybe we should just play Yahtzee. Give me those. BETH: What do you see? Whiteness -- pure whiteness.

"Bitch."

I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.

Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts?

Spleen Mountain?

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die? Don't worry. Dr. Glip Glop is the best in the galaxy. Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Aah! What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy.

You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.

Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

I like your feathers. They are designed to attract the attention of the female. It's working.

Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'.

Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it, Whatever.

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god,

If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it,

Eh, unless she has the flu.

Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction! Geez, Morty. I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet. I don't want to talk about it. - Okay, guys, let's go home. - Where's Dad?

Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,

He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop. No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do?

And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't!

Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it, Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume,

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again.

Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house.

Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Hey, "Ball Fondlers"? Huh, "Ball Fondlers"? Yeah, I could go for some "Ball Fondlers." Yeah, "Ball Fondlers." Aah!

...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry! Hey, uh, come here.

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine.

Unh! Class dismissed.

RICK: Okay, collars are done. Put them on. We're out of time. It's ironic, huh? Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,

but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places.

It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.

Where's the van, Marty? It's over the horizon in the driveway.

MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown!

Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this.

RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!

But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right. Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes!

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

JERRY: Try not to worry about it, Marty, You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. You're missing the point, Dad.

Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!

And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird. I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going. Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick. There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually.

One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here?

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah!

but if Marty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, you know, kind of your problem, too. Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. What? Why not? Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice? My story begins at the dawn oftime in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium.

It's messed up, There's caterers down there.

Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. Man, this place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices? Marty, you're making a bigger deal out ofthis than it is.

I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah!

Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive!

Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve!

Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest.

NO wrong answers.

Listen to me, Marty,

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

Oh, my god! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the gear wars is that it was never really about the gears at all. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop -- Marty! Have you met Gearhead?

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,

Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll, Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien. Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move?

Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this.

lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys. I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed.

Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah! So...

Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing.

Shmla -- Shmlangela? Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"!

J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,

How are you guys not freaking out right now?! T-The whole house is sitting in another dimension! l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-M-Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker!

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo--

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am?

I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty,

Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

Already lost interest. Get in the car. I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic.

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

Hold your fire!

ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell?

I suppose, Marty, I suppose.

Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa."

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

You know why? Uh, because it's lame?

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?

O h, my god!

No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick. Now's not a good time. Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Oh, real nice. Real nice.

No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go!

Now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak-ass time again. How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there,

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

Yeah? lt's... G-Good job. Good job.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that?

And in this one, we were dead. So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse. So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run."

Hey. Are you the one that left?

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me!

they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

Well, son, what did youthink when you were five and you pooped your pants, and you threw your poopy undies out your bedroom window because you thought it was like throwing something in the garbage?

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

That out there? That's my grave.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh!

The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it,

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar!

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations.

Oh, man. I cannot wait -- I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone. Jerry, stop, please, okay? We weren't even supposed to be down here. Ifwe confront him about this -- Oh, my god! I love this. I love that this is how far you will go for him.

Hey, Marty, let me -- let me -- let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty, The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."

Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why --

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Somebody call for repairs?

More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.

The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives!

What do you think of these things?

Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car. On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

This -- this guy --

So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge? l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh?

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.

All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Can you? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still.

I'm posting this online, like, right now. I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing? Hmm?

l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns!

What in the hell? Sex sells, Marty, Sex sells what?

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real?

I always could count on you.

Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air.

and I am too young to drive!

U nity?

J, Can you take me now? J, J, I want it real J, J, Are you afraid of me now? J, JV J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J,

You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond."

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!

Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!

I'm an alien. Places, please. We're about to land. Too fast. SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody!

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what?

We're out of original-flavor Fig Newtons. I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on.

They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca.

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?

Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!

They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't.

l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes. And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios, lthink. lcan’t-- l’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock because i can 't see anything. Our prices, lhope, aren 't too low Check out this refrigerator, only $200.

Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick!

Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did.

Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid!

Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf.

You want to check it out?

'cause cob planet is off the table.

Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry.

More are coming.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty,

l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival. Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic.

What do you desire? Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items?

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster.

See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

l’m running real quick,

I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun.

Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra,

Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!

You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual.

l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy!

This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern. And listen. Yes? I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life?

Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well? Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it,

This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!? Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry!

Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week. Unity, could you get Rick out here, please? He's unavailable. He's... having sex with you. We get it. Grass,

and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest.

Not in Never Past Bedtime Land!

Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right?

Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

Drop the gun.

You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that.

Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty.

It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself,

What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here.

We just have regular nipples.

Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry?

If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked!

We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time?

Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Out of the simulation, Morty.

You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding. But that's the opposite of what-- Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything? Hey, you know what? You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know?

Are those... mountains on a cob? RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her!

Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Now, where are these rich people? To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years. Wait, w-where is that music coming from?

Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery.

We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free!

Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos.

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Oh, god, gross and weird!

You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool. Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say. You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg. You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Seven. . . keep away from that personal space. Eight, personal space. Nine, personal space. You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space.

Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

Title -- 'The End'... question mark." Wow, Yeah? lt's... G-Good job. Good job. You liked it? Of course I did. You didn't laugh at the scene in the bar. l...thought it was funny, but I wanted to hear the rest. Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it. That's my note, you know? Please write more.

Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis. Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here? Okay, Jerry. Let's head home. I can't leave now. Everyone hates me.

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough!

Right, because your father's such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans." He's probably harvesting this creature's organs. He's probably racing to cure its space AIDS. - He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it! BOTH: Shut up!

Do you like this?

Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd!

Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot.

Never. Back in a flash.

As we can all see, this is hardly the real Garrrh and Zharbidar. Which is good, because the relationship in their heads is not only ugly, it's unsustainable. You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different,

Uh, sir, we have a situation over here. If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department?

So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...?

look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,

get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty,

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

Wait. This is an actual movie?

Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah.

But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying.

God damn it! God damn it!!

The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody.

I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate.

Since when do you have a job? Since last week. lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character.

How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints.

RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!! All right, third time's the charm.

I'm your new teacher for Scary class. My name is Scary Mr. Johnson. Uh, actually, you know what? That's my dad's name, so why don't you just call me Scary Glenn, yeah? So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on Fundamentals of Fear. Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say --

Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?

Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place,

You know, parents are just kids having kids. One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son. I'm an alien? We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts. We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive. But I want to murder everyone I see.

Jan Michael Vincents are used up. I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent. Is it important that we know who Jan Michael Vincent was,,, - In order to get this? - Nope. I refuse to send the legislation that allows more than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct.

Birdperson!! No!!

It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake.

My man!

Your slave is ill-mannered. My slave? We assume you are from a more primitive world, where men are still permitted to be servants. If he is a rogue male, tell us now and we will kill him. He's my slave. He's my slave. He's definitely my slave. Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy,

But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay!

You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!

He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on.

And, most importantly, we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya.

Yeah, bra, Yeah.

Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it.

That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more.

I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that! Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry.

We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass.

Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities, including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device.

It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

Good bye.

Keep your eye on Annie.

NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end. Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!

And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth.

How long will you be visiting Earth? Oh, we live here. We were just off-planet for a wedding. Go that way.

RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there.

They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,

I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?

Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,

and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself. This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she's a marine biologist.

Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains.

That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.

Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture.

I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,

at which point he'll realize what a hypocrite he's being. His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld.

REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many. Okay, so maybe we're just all fake.

D-don't dodge the issue, Rick! Selling a gun to a hit man is the same as pulling the trigger! It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted.

but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back!

Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now. Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it.

Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson. Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh... people? Mm, six. Ya! What up, my Glip Glops?! Oh, man!

Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Rick?

Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

Lookin' good. Slow down! My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty,

Pull the fucking trigger!

All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick? Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible. See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves,

Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah!

I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J,

You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste,

W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell?

However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy.

Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Marty? Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40. Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student.

Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas.

Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here!

Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy! Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant...

They could save the marriage of a dog and a bar of dark chocolate. They could save the marriage of a porn star and a porn star. Well, I know /'m ready to try whatever it takes. Which clearly implies that I'm not. It's not a competition, Beth. on is that how you're gonna try to win, by implying /'m competitive? lfthe shoe fits. My shoe fits up your ass. You wish! RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday!

I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything. Yeah. But I feel like one ofthe 64 Ricks, like, sacrificed himself for me?

Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples.

Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree?

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah!

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah! MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak. Hurry! Wait, there is an autopilot. Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors!

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Spaghetti, kangaroos? l’ve gotta check this place out. Well, you can. Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details. Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect.

You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty? Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty,

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam!

Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.

I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --

The cone-nipple people will rule this world!

So many possibilities. My mind is racing. lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp-- I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth! Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!

Like talking to a brick wall.

Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down.

- Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah!

J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

What's he gonna do? Crash rent-free at his other family's house? BETH: What is that supposed to mean?

Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders.

I believe Birdperson can arrange that. Hey, Summer, haven't seen you at flute practice in a while. Summer, don't tell me you're friends with her. Are you kidding me? I don't even know what she's doing here. Whoa. Not cool, Summer. This is a party. Everybody should be welcome.

No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real.

Ooh, am i feeling good,

And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"!

Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean.

I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you.

Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please!

Summer's gonna like me again. Lincoler, come on! Let's get out of here! Mein journey is over, Marty, I have something important to tell you.

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people! Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo!

Oh, yeah, distress beacon! Yeah, baby! You're excited about that? The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. 9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit! - BOTH: Whoa! - 1 out of 10 times, it's a deadly trap, but I'm ready to roll those dice.

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap!

It's not a door, Beth. It's debris.

Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers.

and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews!

who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death.

Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid!

Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be.

55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me!

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean. Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. l'm Marty, My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails. Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, y-you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine.

Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh...

It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay,

We still have the nuclear option.

Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!

All right, that should do it, Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself.

Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

That's right, Jerry!

This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal.

MAN: L//' Bits! ...where the food is tiny. It looks like regular food, but really tiny.

Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends.

Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai!

Here's yours! Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice. Pardon, Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension?

Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,

Oh, Rick, I -- I shouldn't. Come on. It's not every day that I'm town. It's -- it's for old time's sake. Uh...okay, what the hell. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but -- Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet?

This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

I hate you so much right now.

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.

Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?

Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy.

JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know.

"We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

Don't be a hero, kid.

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it.

What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah!

Buckle up!

Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works?

Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth,

I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

Oh, boy, Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers." I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever.

if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role, Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist. That's Earth therapy.

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry.

Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second.

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice. Hey, Marty, there's our Jerry.

Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! - Out. - Whatcha doin'?

/'m the E yeho!e... Man. /'m the only one that's allowed to have E yeho!es. Get up on out of here with my E yeho!es. ANNC)UNCER: E yeho!es. Get them today. RICK: You gotta be careful, Marty, If that guy catches you with a box of his Eyeholes,

"gubba nub nub doo rah kah."

Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J,

Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?!

Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty. Jerry, what are you -- what are you doing in here? I'm trying to find our weed whacker, 'cause our weeds are wack, yo. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here. l "c an't"? Well, he doesn't like it. What's he gonna do?

You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious!

If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer.

Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard!

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

l'm Octopus Man! l'm Octopus Man! I'm a marine biologist who was bitten by an octopus. And now I'm -- I help people. I save people.

what have you done for me lately?

You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly.

to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it. Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black. Title -- 'three weeks earlier."'

What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry,

What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die.

Welcome back to "Funny Songs." It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience. Um, longtime fan ofthe show. Uh -- What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music.

Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch.

This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics.

Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon.

RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding?

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.

Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J,

WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold, or is itjust me? I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them.

H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?!

Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this!

Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?

...not a planet.

I feel better.

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out? Sure. Why not? Maybe we'll see Chewbacca. I'd like that.

More are coming.

Uh-oh.

Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8...

Everyone has a plumbus in their home.

GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible.

Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god!

Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension? Sure! Let's go to the ascension. Wh-wh-what is it? We hereby send these unwantables skyward that they might be inhaled by the many Heads, later to be sneezed back to us as better babies. Headward, free now to rise. Headward, free now to rise.

Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick!

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know?

the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk,

Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot!

The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train? Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go!

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god,

So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know,

Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun.

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved. Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,

Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed.

Rick? You're not leaving, right?

Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario --

RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry.

We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

Thank you very, very much.

The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond."

Stupid! Rick!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

at our wedding and guess what.

Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars.

Hello? Yes, sir, yeah. Eh, thank you, sir. Thank you. He says he's proud of what we're doing and hopes we have a great ascension festival! Happy ascension! ALL: Happy ascension! We should pack up and leave town now. I think it's inspiring that our community is coping with fear in a way that involves a festival and homemade ice cream.

I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation.

We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us?

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood!

lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty,

All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically.

Y-- of course I am -- just as much as my Morty's a Marty, Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "Mask." You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own,

l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her!

He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

Get off of me, Morty!

Is that still a thing? Hmm?

I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs.

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh!

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Thanks, Rick, but I don't know if I should. You know, you were right about the Universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place. Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know. This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Marty style. Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally.

Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever.

This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Marty style. Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved King so that he may thank you personally. Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry.

When we're hungry. With that, I give you your new slogan! Well, say something! Do you like it? Yes. You do? ALL: Yes. So...| sold it? I sold the idea?

All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

Seriously?

There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these?

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh.

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two?

Yes, Marty,

Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps. All right, okay, y-you know, ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know? Look down there. Looks like some kind of tavern or something built right into the side ofthe step.

J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty!

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!

But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes!

Is he going to die?

All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

'cause you need to cut me some slack...s.

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time!

Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that,

He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

I'm sick of being a human shield. l-l-l w-- I want to be a gardener! I want to write really crazy, intense action novels! I'm more than just a hammer! He is the one true Marty! Hooray! The one true Marty! Hey, keep it down!

Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math?

The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."

no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend,

Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now, Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.

Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can, RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick?

and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them.

who takes care of my kids?

Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.

Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith!

f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh?

Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?!

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game.

Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?

The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer.

Good luck.

Wubby lubby doob doob!

l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Where are my testicles, Summer?

Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. J, My empire of dirt J, J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J,

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

ALL: Yay! Cousin Nicky! It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this.

Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now. Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

- Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up,

RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy,

This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard!

but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up,

Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling.

Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah! Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop.

Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch.

lfyou desire to kill me, I only ask you do it quickly. No such agenda, chief. We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir. We were just hoping to get on the roof of your lighthouse so we can send a beacon to my sister on Earth. - It's a different planet. - By the way, life on other planets exists. Don't let it distract you. I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale.

You have 10 seconds to get out of the ship! 10,9...

Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.

We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!

And if not, like you say, no more adventures or whatever. It's like that old song "Blomp Blomp-a Noop Noop A-Noop Noop Noop." Y-You guys know that song? From Tiny Rogerts? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-Nobody? A-All right, whatever. Look, who cares?

Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her lover intact? Well, I don't thinkthat's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones. Beth, can we talk about this privately?

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude!

No! No! Ow!

We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

I'm not looking forjudgment, just a yes or no -- can you assimilate a giraffe?

"Uh, Tammy, you're a high-School senior from the planet Earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!" Yeah, Tammy! But then I think, you know, in a lot ofways, l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth. In a lot ofways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation,

Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!

Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit,

Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley!

Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow!

iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Call an ambulance!

Aaaaaah!

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop.

He tried to kill himself.

All right, there's six of us, And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester!

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline.

That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty, Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty, That way you can, you know -- y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing,

Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?

J, Oh, yeah J,

Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right! Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face like Wart from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee! How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? How did she get there? f laughs f Is that something we should be concerned about?

Make it bounce. No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

You guys are doing it wrong,

She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways.

L 'chaim!

Too fast.

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid.

one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory. I'm gonna miss you, Snowball. You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.

No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.

They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."

I love doing cocaine with you.

Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son.

lt's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon.

You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

and I need them to help me with my research, Marty, Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Cynthia. . .

You broke your time twice.

Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon."

He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna."

Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No,

What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor?

I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

- or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm -- I know everything about everything? Did you really talk me out of the abortion? Well, we -- we blew a tire on the way to the clinic, I think, in my head, Iwas doing it all for the kids.

Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high!

Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?

Hey, brah!

- No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore.

- Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel. I actually got that on another planet. So it is an alien towel to me. - Good luck. - Thanks.

get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him? I'll do it later, Marty,

Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out. Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie! If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson.

Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine.

It is, Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine. Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! l-l-ls that why you're doing this, you don't want me and Rick to be happy? No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know?

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under--

Hey, what are you in tar?

BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick.

I wish!

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it.

Mi casa es su casa, dawg! All right! I like your squanch!

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?!

Wow, What do you know? Huh. That was easy. Totes malotes, dawg. Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty,

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit,

But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a --

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads!

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery!

Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah!

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?!

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!

It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

- Hey, Marty, - Oh, oh, hey, Dad. Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me. Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad.

Um, Rick!

To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other.

It's a good-a show!

I wouldn't have gotten drunk.

But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

Frank Palicky was frozen to death today!

Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13.

Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways,

Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

Oh, no. He just got ran over...

'cause I am nice so I gots to win J, J, Break bread with the enemy J, J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with, l'll break who you -- J, And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front. Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer?

"Feels Good."

I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Ugh! Arrgghh! Ah! Uhhhhh! Jerry, you can't bend metal. Then make a me that can! How can I do that... while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal? Good old Beth! The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect!

Kalo kada sha la,

I want yooooooou!

Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh!

My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

Duck, duck, birdie?

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

For the love of god, get dressed!

RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow!

you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me.

W-W-W-What about Jerry? Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington.

J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music,"

"The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four,

Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-You're a monster.

He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th-- but that's not how it went down! Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f MAN: Hey, how’s it going?

Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse.

Oh, shit.

with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why -- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun?

l-l-l understand.

He's busy.

Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes.

What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got. JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America,

Our most brilliant scientist, Zeep Xanflorp, has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it,

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty --

Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad. You're a genius at that. Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son.

What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack? That's Bubonic plague!

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom!

Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you?

Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty,

How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes.

Well, I'm intervening. lntervening with puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in "Red Dragon." He's at that age. Let's just be proud of him. Jesus. Did I really set the bar that low? Um, Rick, could you come with me, please -- q-quickly? Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene.

including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars. What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain.

Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't.

You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse?

All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen.

Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination.

What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there --

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep.

You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together,

And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester!

You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick?

I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know,

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka!

Dad, why does our house have blast shields? Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has. Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical?

Hey! - Hey, Marty, - Oh, oh, hey, Dad. Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me.

Shall we, master Morty? We shall.

Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on.

Oh, wait. Let me get a picture.

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's --

Back the fuck up!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

I mean, what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance? I'd like to dance -- on the graves of my enemies. Ohh! No, Morty Jr.! Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you!

I'm sorry. I just got expelled, Summer! Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young. My top! Screw your top! You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life!

- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide.

I feel bad that they -- tht. Screw those guys. Ugh. I'll be right back. Don't waste your brain on those weirdos, Unity. They're no different from any ofthe aimless chumps that you occupy. They just put you at the center of their lives because you're powerful. And then because they put you there, they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right? ALL: Never. Never. Back in a flash.

Roy?

Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it.

Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall.

It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

J, Don't leave me J,

Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick?

Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today.

The nipple hole. It's beautiful.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick!

J, I'm just gone J, J, How could I say goodbye? J,

And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am.

J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.

All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead. HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes!

Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google! Mm. I'm so proud of you, Lucius. So, how much did we make? "We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me?

Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

that we got in the first act? Yeah, what about them? Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale!

Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

Opium addict.

Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me?

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat. No! No!

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,

I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty,

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding.

This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer!

Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole.

Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing.

I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty,

But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out.

This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker.

l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable. Which I also wouldn't do! I'm just saying, it's bad craftsmanship.

Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm...

Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?

Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons...

Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real.

It's time for the quiz.

Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in yourway? Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits!

I'm not the one who -- who -- who --

Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.

Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty? Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms?

Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh !

Did you get any ofthat?

I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do.

See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream.

He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday. MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10!

Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

- Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved. No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it, - Yeah, I did. Now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak-ass time again. How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison,

Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us,

No, I'm talking about -- Yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you get to the dolphin people, you gone too far. All right, man, I'll talkto you later. Okay. You know what they do to third-dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever. Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life?

l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help.

So, what are you -- like, the devil? - What? Sorry? - I don't know. Store comes out of nowhere, all the shit's old and creepy. Are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun? Grandpa Rick! Hey, I'm notjudging. Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science. Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis. This microscope reveals things beyondcomprehension.

Why am I so mediocre?

l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J,

Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is, Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even trip about your pants ...dawg.

Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

Here's another quick mystery.

Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, like the Smurfthing? Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Oh, Okay. l squanch my family. Uh... What? I do.

That's a huge step in the right direction. Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school.

And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved?

Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what?

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

Probably shouldn't be piloting a hovercopter, nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals and 12 million deep fryers, but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or... No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

What do you say we go home? I'd like that. Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126? Uh, I'm not sure. Marty, Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket. - What?! - Way to go, Marty, Eh, whatever. - Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th-- but that's not how it went down!

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes.

It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes,

- So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree!

to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

Holy --

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob.

You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!

We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this.

Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty.

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing?

That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born!

Why are you doing this? You think I want to be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite.

lwish this desk was lighter. I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3.

It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty,

Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.

God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose.

Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back.

Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty.

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh?

I know, right? Oh, what the hell?! I know, right? MORTY: Jerryboreel?

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website,

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones,

W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad? l'm ignoring you. Marty, if I can get to the top ofthat lighthouse,

That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!

Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening. Well, well, well.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face!

Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. Diseases? Hey, doc. I got news for you.

Then I better crunch the numbers.

Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here.

Pterodactyl! Asshole!

Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob.

- What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next? What about this?

But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?

I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.

Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

on fake do-o-o-o-rsi Hey, wait a minute, Rick. I thought this was a commercial. What's going on? Relax, Marty, Don't -- don't worry about it, Let's just see where this goes.

Ugh! Why are you fighting?! Can't you see you're all the same? Oh, Summer. First race war, huh?

- I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.

That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

That is pretty gay.

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on.

and " the official car of "Mr, Sneezy 3D. " it’s the brand-new Sneezy XL. The horn, when you honk it, makes a sneeze noise. it’s polite, " right, and " Sneezy, Deezy Mc... Deluxe. l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ]

Cool it, now, Take it easy. There's too much aggression here. What if we designate a period oftime during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system --

[processing, powering up f

Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl!

I can't leave now. Everyone hates me. Unfortunately, there's no surgical procedure that can fix that.

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty,

No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away,

- Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?

Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank.

So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run."

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela?

You, not me! You! - Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah!

Oh, my God!

J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,

Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey.

What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Fine. I'll just do it myself.

What's that dipshit doing out there?

but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about. Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour.

But these gears just started turnin'.

Who wants lemonade?

Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh!

- Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people? Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own? I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are. Grandpa Rick, ifthey leave the butt and the person wanders off,

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s? What is this, a '90s nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?

Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages. They eat every third baby because they think it makes fruit grow bigger. Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day!

All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing.

Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

S-Samantha. Please, mister!

Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,

Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death!

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off.

Tough!

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh?

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,

J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.

Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

That's it, I'm calling security. No! All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room where none ofthe people whose stuff I stole can get to us, Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish.

Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size,

What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!

But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine! Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles. This is what I'm talking about.

No idea what you're talking about.

Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?!

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Sanchez? Are you a musician?

Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now.

Stupid!

Oh, my god!

Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there? Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah.

and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?

MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!

but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed. Forget about the park, doctor!

Y-y -- are you a simulation?!

Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department.

Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies.

You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!

W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards.

Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets.

This is a dog, Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what. Oh, my God.

Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane!

Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative.

Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh.

You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that!

I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty.

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!

and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty.

It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty,

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't!

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain.

You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard.

Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy!

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go!

Okay, I've got an idea, Rick. You show us your concept of good TV, and we'll crap all over that. Thought you'd never ask.

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up. - Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people? Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own?

Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out.

But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet.

f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure.

Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

I hate being a teenager!

let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends.

My -- my -- my -- my man!

That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate. Well, we want to make it work, if we can, It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,

We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors. Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah!

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me.

A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody.

The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you.

Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid,

Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying?

I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know.

If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no. You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed.

- What?! - Damn.

I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

How did / get here? Held F/ How did / get here?! Somebody, help me, please! H08 T? f laughs f A// right! Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face like Wart from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee! How did she get there?! Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there?

The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa!

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!

Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind. Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around,

Hold on. There's more.

- Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school.

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue.

WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs. You ever notice the ones with bad bangs always have three names? You are hereby sentenced to the silent treatment! Pfft! This is gonna be cake. No! Jackie! Rick and Summer of Earth,

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world,

Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice.

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world, Please, he's in the South Pole!

Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.

Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch!

Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry.

What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch."

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty,

J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl!

"The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life.

Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?

And, by the way, our TV signals take light years to reach his planet. Nobody tell him that "Braveheart" wins. [music plays f Greetings, This is Birdperson. And Tammy! Inviting you tc? planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony -- Blugh! If you 're from Earth, that means we’re getting married! Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson! What the hell is a Birdperson?

There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart.

J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J, J, All the moon men want things theirway J, J, But we make sure they see the sun J,

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J, J, Damn right, and I'll do it again, 'cause I am nice so I gots to win J,

but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power. I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name. Excuse me? Nothing. I mean, it's hard for us to comprehend all this. Would it be possible for us to get some kind of tour of your miniverse from the inside? This isn't a fucking chocolate factory.

Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face."

l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?

- Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh! Actually, sorry, Summer.

Oh shit. Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them.

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.

You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry.

They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty! The shoes have to be turned on! BETH: I am not putting my father in a home!

I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil.

You don't know me.

I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty.

You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

I'm gonna miss you, Snowball. You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.

And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.

J, Hear my faith J, J, Seal my fate J, J, And when you breathe J,

You're fired.

lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit.

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J, J, lt's schwifty time today J, Hmm. Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job!

H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?! PRINCIPAL: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world. The world? Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide, and we'd like Jerry to be our church's Headof advertising. You would?

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!

Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez.

Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty,

Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry? It's just a bunch of dumb tabloid crap.

I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop!

i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch, so i never know what's going on. Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know,

I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick!

I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat.

At least we can agree on that. Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation,

Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez!

Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run"

All right, listen, Jerry. lf Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location. You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality,

Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today.

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy. You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No!

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

I am a baby! I'm a baby now! Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!

Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry.

You really dropped the ball, man. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean?

He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret? I told you -- l was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son. Everything cool in here, Beth? It's fine, Davin. Okay, cool. You know, we did something great today.

Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?!

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline.

No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us,

The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it.

That's my dream! That's my dream.

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here.

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway.

I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego? Well, you'd have to be pretty petty. But you'd still be the woman I married. Where are we going? One last stop,

Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.

Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty!

You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers!

Whoa. What's up, man? l have no quarrel with you, boy, "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know?

What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah!

What are you, crazy? ...person and just let you blow up the whole world, All right, all right. I'll -- I'll land. l'll land. l'll land. l'll land the thing. l'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. We'll park it right here, Marty, Right here on the s-side ofthe r-road here. Oh, thank God. You know what? That was all a test, Marty,

We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter?

MAN: It's a good show.

Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.

What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again!

it's unsustainable. You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different, none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work. We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as,

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up,

Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children.

Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!

Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

Wow, Hat trick. All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes. Would you relax, Marty? There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why?

J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty.

Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death!

Wha-what do you want from me?

but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right?

You lied! You lied about the charge!

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks.

Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it.

Best weekend ever, Rick.

Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick.

lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light.

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died,

It's our son with Albert Ein-douche.

Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty...

Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite. But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting.

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet?

Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"?

your family, your leaders, but they're not themselves anymore. They're part of...it. Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know.

Absolutely! Good luck.

I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth. Well, herwaistline isn't. Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you?

Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. lwish your mother was here to eat them. Oh, Dad.

I wonderwhy Greg is always so critical of my girlfriend. Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself. That's how friends are. Or does he want her to himself? J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

Marty! Summer! It's me! lt's Rick! Regular Rick! Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head!

Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F... Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well.

Best weekend ever, Rick. I agree, Rick. Let's see how long we can go. Hey, Une. You got any more -- FEMALE UNITY: Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes.

Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I?

Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you?

This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line?

There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers?

Yeah. All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,

Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out,

JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?! Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life.

I done been notifying you.

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt --

Ohhhhh! Aah!

We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer!

Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing?

Are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun?

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?! Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out.

Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

Ah, Ah, Ah,

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

J, I will make you hurt J, Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

- Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all.

Morty...

I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl. Oh, Jacob. I-I'm sorry, Jacob. I-I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and origin of your relationship with my parents.

You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty? Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady.

Who is he?

an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

Advertising? Wow!

Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse?

Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick!

Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke! Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this?

Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence!

That's beautiful. You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours? Do I need to call the police? Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf because I'm not a hack. Hey! You think you're fucking so great! Stop it! No! Fuck yeah, man.

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!

You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax. Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?

low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself? Dad! Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter?

which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth?

And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit.

Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine!

What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty?

But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong,

You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?

I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it... - Brad! Hey! - Yo. Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk, Cool.

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee!

MAN: Hey, how’s it going? This is my butthole ice cream parlor. i got all kinds of ice cream -- peanut butter and jelly, . . f farts f .... vanilla... . . . . chocolate. . . f farts f and every flavor served out of a butthole. ..

JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer!

Oh, my God. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth.

Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same. All right, okay, fair is fair. lfyou do extra work, you get extra food. Oh, Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job!

The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine.

Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait.

Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

Oh, he -- he's looking a lot better. RICK: Listen, Beth, don't torture yourself. I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale. ls, um, is he mad at me? He's not pressing charges.

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go!

and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.

Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

Leave him alone, Brad.

which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains...

I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Let me ask you a question, Ethan.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.

We're so screwed! Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed.

The most important love you can receive is from yourself. Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club!

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh?

one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know?

My grandpa and l are on an adventure. Nice. Is it a fun adventure? I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails.

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels?

Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry. Yeah, yeah. I got it. That's okay. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Try again and keep your head down.

Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job!

I ask you to do one thing!

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie? That's very funny!

Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work? Somebody dropped the dime on us. Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you got to look out for number one.

I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job.

- Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go!

Steve, I just got a weird e-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets? Aw, shoot. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation! Steve, you're so sweet. - Thanks, Uncle Steve! - Best Uncle ever. Look out, world,

What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation.

J, I will let you down J, J, I will make you hurt J,

No! Oh shit.

Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just...

Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty,

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie.

That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family?

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours.

ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money? You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Marty, It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.

Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap.

Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me! She tried to purge me, Marty, You let yourwiener do the walking, and now I'm dead. Rick, she took the car! You fucking kidding me, Marty?! She took my car and the gun, We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.

Up next, the heat is turning up with Samantha and the Boys on "The Northsiders. "

Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry.

It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now.

reportedly at large somewhere within the gear system. Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it.

Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit. A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine.

Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah.

Would you relax, Marty? There's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair.

school is stupid. It's not how you learn things.

TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards.

I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four, the galaxy's most successful couples' counseling institute. They could save the marriage of a dog and a bar of dark chocolate. They could save the marriage of a porn star and a porn star. Well, I know /'m ready to try whatever it takes. Which clearly implies that I'm not. It's not a competition, Beth. on is that how you're gonna try to win,

Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"?

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes!

Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that.

- We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is. Is he -- Is he 50? Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- ls Jerry 50? Where am l?

MAN: Well, " omcial. The obscure planet known as Earth, formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist and fugitive Rick Sanchez, has fast become the 6, 048th planet to ]oin the Galactic Federation. The plucky little ball of water and d/rt, which is where it gets its name,

RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god, Well, I did my job. Summer did herjob.

but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed.

And now, another quick mystery.

This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty --

Good luck.

I need food. Who's got food for that guy?

Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son.

Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice. You haven't changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Marty?

I don't want girls. I want Jessica. Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate.

Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat?

This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.

I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why -- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him.

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five.

Yeah. Uh-oh. Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Hey, you don't know me!

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing.

Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben.

It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy.

I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing.

so no more alien prisoners and no more subterranean excavation without consulting us,

The nipple hole. It's beautiful. Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh!

- Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure? That's right, Mrs. Smith. Give in to your anger. Neglect that deer.

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

"Ro y 2"just got here. Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize.

Is he going to die? Don't worry.

Maybe we'll see Chewbacca. I'd like that.

This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah!

I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Oh, great adventure, buddy.

Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn.

Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion,

You pay with the curses, right?

Disqualified.

At least until Marty has graduated high school. Oh, Mm. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two? It worked. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way -- Already lost interest. Get in the car. I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared,

Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

and then you'll be trapped there, winning the same fight for eternity. I can take out the "eternity" and the padding, and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens. Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby. How's business? Here's the last of our inventory. We're going to file chapter ll and do some restructuring.

Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable.

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices,

Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth?

They have been blowin' me up,

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

That is su-- -- suspicious.

JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. There already is no more bacon!

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind.

Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins!

You were so small and cute. I thought you were gonna fly right off into the street. I used to pee my pants. I know, and now look at you! You have a job. You're making really good money. You're not paying any rent, so you have plenty of disposable income. Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up,

On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires.

I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!

but it's time to relax.

Okay. We're ready. Not so fast! Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my penis and put it in that man's chest. That's not how it works! Well, you're gonna make it work.

Alexand--

I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks.

RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, ..

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things.

You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.

"Purge! Don't purge!"

The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, Look at that thing right there. W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this?

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you!

All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty!

You see that town across the river? Watch this. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant! It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool!

J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning.

What the hell is he talking about?!

Um, what -- what are you doing back from Pluto so quick? Uh... some peoplejust can't handle the truth. Especially dummies like me. Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad.

It's a good-a show!

We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!

I'm gonna find some fuel and take a big, fat Marty, That's my new word for shit because of today's events. Here it is. This should take me back to my kind. I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay, which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts,

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore.

Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes.

This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices?

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry.

You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.

Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run! Oh, the food goes in your mouth, girl. Oh, Jacob.

We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as, because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate.

Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread.

Oh, my god!

Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

Pick it up. We ii be right back. It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples. We got, uh, a -- crushed red party cups, 15 1/2 brapples.

You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn.

Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are. Guys, seriously. Nancy?

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers.

Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items?

Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited. The Pluto-bel prize is the highest honor a scientist can receive. I'm flattered and humbled.

J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence!

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.

W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream.

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,

A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

Rick, you got to do something quick. My parents are home. Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good.

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!

RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?!

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead.

I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

RICK: Worst movie ever.

Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah! Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?

Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever.

I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome. My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? M-my drink is empty.

Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it, ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter?

Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from? My -- my -- my grandpa Rick sent me! Poncho! That's quite enough. Marty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here?

I will be back soon, Marty,

because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty. I don't care about Jessica!

I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways.

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it! Ooh!

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.

I'm trying to find our weed whacker, 'cause our weeds are wack, yo.

Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device.

MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say -- you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck.

Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

10,9... All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.

All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you!

You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.

I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry.

What about weapons?!

Alexand--

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick. W-what'd you do to Frank? It's pretty obvious, Marty, l froze him. Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business.

Oh, my God, so embarrassing. At last! Two heroes!

Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!! What the hell happened back there?!

We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec.

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.

...five -- Sir?

Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place.

This is harder than it looks.

More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry.

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get --

He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

You have to get us the fuck outta here.

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down.

Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper.

Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend. Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.

MORTY: Jerryboreel?

- SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah!

No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention.

Take me to Marty, You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.

Oh. Oh, my god,

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere,

Aaah! Holy shit. What happened?

Welcome home, Water-T. The Numbericons! They're attacking! Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice. Water-T, where are you going?!

There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons.

I don't have any! Spoken like a person with repressed rage. I take no part in the festival. lfyou desire to kill me, I only ask you do it quickly. No such agenda, chief. We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir. We were just hoping to get on the roof of your lighthouse so we can send a beacon to my sister on Earth.

Scalpel. Scalpel. Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one ofthree meals that have existed for millennia.

I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.

I'm feeling... Ugh. Oh, man, let me help all of you guys up. ALL: I'm fine. Do you know what I love about you, Rick? You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture.

Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff.

Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this?

You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler?

Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet.

I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.

Welcome...

Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son. Now, wait. Th-there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared 40 years of each other, mind, body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door,

"Uh, Tammy, you're a high-School senior from the planet Earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!"

W-what the hell is he talking about? They're free to go, is what I meant. l-l-l'm deconstructing our -- our -- our thing we say. For giants. Nobody got that? Whatever. Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working.

Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty,

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.

lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell? Look out for that homeless guy! Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! There isn't time! Just run!

it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking. Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally -- we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new --

Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty,

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?

You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two.

I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about.

We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

This is not okay!

Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class?

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

BETH: Coffee time! RICKS: Yo, yo, yo, yo! That's what I like to hear! Hi, Jerry. Leave me alone. I'm working. Oh, you are? W-W-W-What do you do? l-l'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs. Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy, and then y-y-you help 'em?

Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back,

Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby.

But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there. Th-Th-They're setting up chafing dishes. Would you relax, Marty?

l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario -- we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out.

Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.

Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything. Yeah. But I feel like one ofthe 64 Ricks, like, sacrificed himself for me? - Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty, The last time you felt something, we all almost died.

Wait. Destroy it. Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J,

Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff?

This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys.

It runs in the family. I can tolerate it,

We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed.

More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine."

No, no! Look, you idiot!

Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one.

Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

minute to talk? Yes.

Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

So, what are you -- like, the devil?

Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?

Let'sjust find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Marty, Proceed to the liver. ANNOUNCER: Arrivingat... ...liven Ow! ANNOUNCER: Mindthegap. It's really scary in here, Rick.

Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars.

Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.

- You all right? - Uh-Huh! What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it,

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better.

but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there, but I know us, and you're real, Jerry. Remember our vacation?

Aah! Scalpel.

That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

What in the hell?

Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!

Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never!

Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction! Geez, Morty. I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet. I don't want to talk about it.

We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l,

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey.

but also dancing. But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering.

Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick. Glad you're safe, Jerry. What do you say we go home? I'd like that. Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126? Uh, I'm not sure. Marty, Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket. - What?! - Way to go, Marty, Eh, whatever. - Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank. Aah!

They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap!

Here's the deal. I'm not here to judge. I'm just a guy from another planet. But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha?

Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet,

We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things.

Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.

You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here?

Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!

and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.

Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.

Did you get any ofthat?

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

body, and soul, and when minds and souls are joined for eternity and when eternity is at the door, it's an invitation to let go of the body and an opportunity to share and experiment. Dad, please. What are you saying? Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it

What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going... to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl. Gee, thanks, Brad.

Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone? Get offthe high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things.

All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick!

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.

Owl, Oof! Ugh!

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers -- Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on!

Hey, Rick. I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out? Whatever. Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad.

you know, in exchange for food.

How does a man do this without me noticing? Oh, you know my dad once he puts his mind to something. You're spinning this to his credit? I'm going down there. - Jerry -- - Beth, this is my house, which makes this my garage, my secret hatch, my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler.

...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

All right. Let's proceed.

I have a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick?

What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you.

You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.

Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison.

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show.

J, Goodbye, moon men J, All right. Let's proceed. Damn. Can't blame that on the dog, Talk about silent but deadly.

I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that. You know what, though, Marty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby.

J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow.

J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J, Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody! This guy's amazing! - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass. Yeah!

Hmm. Hey, wait a minute. Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention, there are extensive medical records open on my desktop, and I trust you to confine your activities.., to the purely pornographic. Absolutely! Good luck.

Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.!

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!

That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam. So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein?

an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs?

Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick.

Well, that's retarded.

Sex is sacred!

You drive a hard bargain,

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick!

I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame!

These halves don't belong together, bitch!

J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd.

Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! You -- all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Marty! You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school.

Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart.

Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high!

I promise I'll call you every day I need money or a place to do laundry. Aaaaaaah! So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear axle?

Are you guys kidding me?

Now I'm hooked.

You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

That'll keep 'em busy for a while. Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer.

- What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming!

Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!

Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that.

Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind, the ideal version of me is one smart enough to see you as... a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson.

RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty, I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let'sjust find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Marty, Proceed to the liver.

Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind.

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles!

Beth's automatically on board always with every decision I make.

You know, the one with Cher in it? That's right, Jerry! He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "Mask" people. He's Eric Stoltz Mask Marty, They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own, But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry. Hey, get a load ofthis. Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick.

Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right?

Gentlemen, gentlemen! One at a time! Simon? Seti, Norad, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got --

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind?

Rubber baby baby bunkers!

Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

Ow! I got to tell you, this morning,

Oh shit! The other collar!

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

You, not me! You! - Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah!

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!

I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller."

Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator. Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help? No! Go clean the toilets. Maybe you'll make friends with some turds. You make us ashamed to be ourselves! My god. I've seen this technology before.

I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys.

Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.

I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying!

but this is real science. A man and his boy, making planets. Hey, how about we use a ping-pong ball for Pluto? And then Jupiter -- Uh, actually, I don't think Pluto's a planet. Of course Pluto's a planet, son, I learned that in the third grade. Well, yeah, but you know they changed it. Marty, nobody changed the planets.

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky? I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder. So we can't trust any of our memories now?

BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased!

Hey, Marty, could you lick my-,

One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah!

And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on?

and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.

Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it.

ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty, don't -- don't -- don't be like that. The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place. You're the one that's crazy and chaotic!

Look at this baby!

I promise I'll call you every day I need money or a place to do laundry.

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.

My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff, That's you. That's how you taik

His people will go back to stomping on their gooble boxes, and you and I will be on ice cream street, baby! Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up.

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look!

That's Bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho? Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea,

That out there? That's my grave. Wait, what? On one of our adventures.., Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place.

Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?!

Yes.

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff. Oh, I bet you do, old timer. Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting. W-We got to get out of here. All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh,

- Good luck. - Thanks.

There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. What? I'm an angry father, not an improvisor. Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers?

What's your problem? They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else.

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!

I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn?

Aaaah!

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah!

Oh, he might have said to take it outside. RICK: Come on, Summer. How hard is it to type some numbers into a box? Target Jacked. f device beeps f Oh, thank god, Well, I did my job. Summer did herjob. Now all Marty has to do is finish listening to that tale. BLANE: Maybe I don't need a new friend.

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.

J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J,

Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money.

Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis. Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here?

Ooh. Ohh. Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly.

You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know? You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff.

All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over. We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here.

- Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that?

We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun.

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk.

They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future!

You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!

You know what? I'm taking this.

Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got!

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend.

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I?

It's a thankless job, Marty, You did the best you could. I hope he's eating enough. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Balls.

Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away.

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,

Boo!

Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,

JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk,

Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty! Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man.

Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists.

Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself.

Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

- What? - Nothing. Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean. Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know,

I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it.

l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa.

Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?

Even dumber than regular planning. Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up!

Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay? We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them.

What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species, Beta Seven. Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice. Unity,

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

Let me show you how it works.

Okay, hold on just a second, Morty. Ooh. Ohh.

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around.

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples. We got, uh, a -- crushed red party cups, 15 1/2 brapples. Welcome back to "Funny Songs."

Umm...

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

I'm more than just a hammer! He is the one true Marty! Hooray! The one true Marty! Hey, keep it down! You've lived quite a life, Rick.

What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing?

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing.

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad.

Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller." Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it, Wow ! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick. I think it will be great, Marty, You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages.

because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty --

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

Birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet -- Opening myself up to others. SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker! Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful.

and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Oh! Rick! Marty!

That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.

Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go.

Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first.

Well, I'm going to get the curses removed at "Curse Purge Plus." You know, the guy on TV? What? Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash,

You know what I'm saying?

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

- Hold it, - Why would he chose Veronica? Because he loves her? Well, if it's any consolation, Summer, none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid. Okay, I've got an idea, Rick.

Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage! Do you mean this? Summer for for the win.

It's beyond your reasoning.

When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.

That's what I meant. Knock them dead out there, you. Pluto is...

Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys.

Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know?

I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first. I'm proud of you, Marty,

Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

What are you doing, Rick? I'm pretty sure the battery's dead. Oh, you think so, huh, Morty? Well, let's see. Hey, wait -- Huh? I don't get it, Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken.

Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture. Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs,

Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber.

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here.

Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect.

Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives,

Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young.

and you could save four billion lives. Yeah, you know, the thing is my Dad's reallyinsecure. Hmm. Funny. Mr. Needful, out of everything in the store, you'll never guess what we couldn't get rid of.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack.

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty.

Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax.

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent,

I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school.

To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us?

Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect. Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? Yes, we discovered a species oftiny pig off the coast of New Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west. We'd offer you some,

The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.

Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things.

or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why? Sundown is when the festival begins. The festival? Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war,

Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

- Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me!

Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead.

Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know?

Just go on your stupid trip. Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

Yes, look through my eyeholes.

That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline.

Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!

So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.

Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.

J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!

Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand.

I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods. All right!

Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class. T-T-T-That wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should --

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

J, These memories that we cherish J, J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,

we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide!

Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12.

Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.

And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there.

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be.

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!

Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Marty, Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J,

We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring.

This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent!

MAN: lwant you kids to look around you today and think about your future. Now is the time in your life when anything is possible. AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown! I just think it's time to get realistic.

l'm Octopus Man!

You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can --

Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

Daddy, can I go outside? No! Absolutely not! But that's where all the people and the animals are. Yeah, but you can't go out there because the -- the air is poisonous for you! You will die -- you'll die instantly if you ever leave this house! You hear me? For real? For real times a million, buddy. So, let's just stay inside,

but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous.

Cool. The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.

Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh?

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty,

GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty,

Bring up the holograms.

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha!

I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work.

What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home.

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit.

Brad! Stupid! Rick!

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.

I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other. Uh, just so you're prepared, there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme. Not really, Jerry. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic. Oh,

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it!

i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters.

Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles?

First, they take the dinglebop,

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

Hey, Marty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger? How do you feel about all these people that are getting killed today because of your choices? I did the right thing, Rick! Tell that to Gearhead's gearsticles. You did that! Wrong! I'd be playing "Roy" right now. At a certain point, my hands are tied, Marty,

You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty. At least we can agree on that.

After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice.

we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship --

But that's no reason to accept our fate!

that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable.

starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Gar Ma Nar Nar, three, um, um, um... i ll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all,

You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure.

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.

Now, there's a wide range of options to choose tram,

All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it,

Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Kill him!

It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him? I'll do it later, Marty, He'll be fine.

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Shut up and listen to me!

All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this.

and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad?

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps.

Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that?

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs,

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!

It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts,

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J,

Wha?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!

Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently.

Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me? ...five -- Sir? - Holy hell. - Sir! Hold your fire!

All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.

Totally gonna get laid tonight.

Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"?

if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud,

J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick.

9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit! - BOTH: Whoa! - 1 out of 10 times, it's a deadly trap, but I'm ready to roll those dice.

- Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?

Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough... for a squanchy party. What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are.

it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

Marty, you have to help me! Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! l-l-ls that why you're doing this, you don't want me and Rick to be happy? No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know?

This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

Revenge.

My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

Oh shit. And then Ethan played guitar, and we learned the seven contemplations ofthe Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the Head! - BOTH: Praise be the... - Yeah.

Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem.

- Nothing. - Nothing! Oh, uh, one ofthe lunch ladies died. They found her in the gym with, like, two holes in her neck and all the blood drained out of her. Good lord! Who does something like that? Obviously a vampire. W-W-Where's the pepper? Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now,

You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff?

After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Oh, wow. Okay, is -- is -- is everything okay in here? Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? No!

Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?

Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone.

Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

- They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?

Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?

This whole thing was your idea, in the first place, and, now, you're trying to rush it along. Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you? Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty,

Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty?

No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work? Somebody dropped the dime on us. Gearhead! I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high.

Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster. Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship.

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!

Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me? I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It."

All right, let's go. MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up,

It's over the horizon in the driveway. J, I hurt myselftoday J,

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb.

Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty!

who would you guys chose?

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick! Can't afford to chance it. Dad, why does our house have blast shields?

Holy cow, Rick.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them.

I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it.

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves!

They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine.

Thought you'd never ask. Hey. Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite? lt conducts electrons across dimensions. 20% accurate as usual, Morty. The important thing being, I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme?

Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence! Your slave is ill-mannered. My slave? We assume you are from a more primitive world,

I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!

Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine!

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Run! Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you. Who is it? Marty and l are on a planet that's purging. - I need you to take down -- - A plan that's what?

Let's get it overwith.

God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole.

That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Holy -- Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room,

No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick.

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you.

Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?"

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails.

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?

We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying. The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty?

Oh, crap.

J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

Marty, a moment of your time?

It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

BLANE: Maybe I don't need a new friend. JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need. BLANE: Need, or want? JACEY: I've never been much forwanting. BLANE: Spoken like someone with needs. Oh, geez. Hmm? Uh, sorry. K-Keep going. "Jacey reaches out and touches his face.

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy,

PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there,

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure,

That's what I think of your crystals, Rick! Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me. All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now. All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Marty sucks!

Get off! You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can --

He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick.

You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax. We called the fire department. You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine.

Good birdie.

Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day.

Whoa! What the hell?!

It's raining blood!

There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night. l-lt's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. - T-That's horrible! - Yeah. You want to check it out?

Dad, I'm so confused!

Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you? Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh,

And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

grounded story about their shitty marriage. JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20?

Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. Yeah, it's gotto be that way. You're a camouflage. Camouflage? W-W-W-What are you talking about, Rick?

BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out!

Screw you, Rick!

triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got.

Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away.

No! No! Ow!

My -- my -- my -- my man!

Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick?

Aah! Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us.

We did it! What do you know? He was right! Hooray Principal Vagina! Yeah, I'll take it. Now, hold on a second! Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa!

Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go. Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand. Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. Oh, no. He just got ran over... and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the cars. I mean, wouldn't the cars always win?

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit!

It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice.

Hey, Marty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger? How do you feel about all these people that are getting killed today because of your choices? I did the right thing, Rick! Tell that to Gearhead's gearsticles. You did that! Wrong! I'd be playing "Roy" right now. At a certain point, my hands are tied, Marty, I can't believe Rick did this.

They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game.

When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue.

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire.

Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah!

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous.

Okay. Let's not rehash t/ratfight,

Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

Kill him!

Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas?

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior! After 988 seasons of "Planet Music,"

Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?!

that after all that stuff we just did, nothing really mattered and there was no point to it? Kind of makes you wonder, huh -- about nothing? Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures? No. I'd say, given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time and any epiphanies about gender politics were a projection of your feminine insecurity.

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

- Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith. Bring his Marty, Oh, man. Leave my Morty out ofthis. You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council. W-W-W-What about Jerry?

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself. Outdone yourself?! W-W-- a-are -- are you kidding me, Rick?

Not one thing out of place. Not a single thing.

Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Nooooo!

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up, Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.

What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

Yo, this is why.

My gear-turnings as ofyet in the curious case of these unidentified humanoid fugitives, reportedly at large somewhere within the gear system. Son of a,,,

J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J,

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to. Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty --

Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

J, Goodbye, moon men J,

A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this!

J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal. Dad, mom, c-come on. Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something?

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home?

Oh, man, Rick!

That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.

I haven't learned a thing! Here.

you're the malcontent, the rogue. I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem.

You say you get it, but I'm scared you'll keep doing it.

All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse.

Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher.

So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What?

The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine.

You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Oh, geez.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?

They say you shouldn't do that! Just run! Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real. I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too.

Help me, please! You can help me!

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun,

Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little. Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks. You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

God, no! Hunter! FEMALE VOICE: All of you have loved ones. A// can be returned, A// can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe. And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks,

I can't...| can't...

Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body.

Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space.

For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity,

Is that what I think it is? Yes, every couple gets to re-create Jack's drowning at the end ofthe movie. It's so romantic. I can't wait to do that with Beth. I don't know, Jerry. With all due respect... it seems like your wife may not be that interested. Look! Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed.

Dad, why does our house have blast shields?

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run!

I don't want to hear it, Summer!

Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on.

W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.

l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place.

...seven... Hey, you gotta sign out.

I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. I am here if you need to talk. - What is this place? - Paradise.

All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah!

and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy,

Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator? l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time?

No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer.

All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.

I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world, BOTH: Yes. All right, perfect. Sit still. arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say?

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry!

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Let's go. Oh, my Gad, I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. Hi, Frank.

You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing.

What's that? Who's that baby?

Roy?

I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer.

No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

So your teenage daughter's marrying a Birdman.

Rick The Alien. Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little --

you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy?

Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god!

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!

Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously?

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General?

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars.

MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture.

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Uh-oh. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying! Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant.

Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple.

and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

Who the fuck are you?

Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty, Really? You think? I mean, I'm not doing much of anything.

Yay, you win. Where the hell am I going? Wh-- What are you asking me for, Jerry? I'm sitting here trying to figure out why the cops don't just take you out. I mean they got a clear shot to your head. I can't believe our tax dollars pay for this.

It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids?

- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go!

Holy crap. I am winning a nobel prize. Come on. Time's up. I'm taming a lion. No, wait. There are film cameras. I might be a lion tamer in a movie. You get the idea. I work with lions. Ohh, we're not playing Yahtzee! We're playing Chutes and Ladders.

then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Marty, I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick!

Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist. Silence!

What about this? Babylegs, you’re a good detective. But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs. Hey, there. Detective, l’m -- this is upsetting to me because i feel like i don't need no regular-leg partner. Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me. Good luck, you two. There's a criminal to kill

Suck my dick! P It feels good '

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you.

What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah!

Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch,

That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night.

And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there.

The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me.

Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you?

Diabolic son of a motherf--

Calm yourself, Morty.

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!

So, let's say 60 smidgens.

- We're tourists. - Not anymore.

my now dead best friend? Or your daughter,

RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great.

I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah!

I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you.

Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick.

My man! Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous. Marty, relax. It's just a bunch of Is and Os out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead.

uh... guilt --

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick?

Oh, so, now, you’re too cool for this,

Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty! Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty,

You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body.

Understood.

J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J, J, It's a tube that digests and then sends out the rest J, J, It's a small, small intestine J,

I hope I can call on you and Rick again if I need you, Marty, Sure thing. And I -- I was kind of hoping that I could get a selfie with you? Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse, Understood. D-i-i-i-i-ie! Oh, no, no, no!

I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life? We only want Sanchez, si'r. Your family Will be fine. Nice. Thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble.

Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Oh, my Gad,

What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?

I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you.

And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole!

Grandpa Rick, where are we going? Well, obviously, Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar? Ticketmaster. Oh, there -- there we go, Summer. Hey -- hey, brother. Hey, bra,

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

J, I hurt myselftoday J, f woman speaking gibberish ]

They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill!

PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating?

Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know? Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity. lt absorbed the minds of our people. We didn't notice until it was too late. The people it takes over,

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see!

Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.

No, I'm okay. Whoa!

ANNIE: Hey, Rick? Rick, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Annie. ANNIE: Great. We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian. ALEJANDRO: Hey, Rick. Natalie Jacobs and Chris Deseter from Microscopic Marketing, Zack from Organ Concepts, and Jamie from New Media. Hey, everybody. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Rick. ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking.

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying. The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss?

Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art.

Okay, with all due respect, Rick --

powering our homes and businesses, improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned? And what will he say when he hears the big news? Let's find out. You need to tell these people they're in a battery, Rick. It's messed up, There's caterers down there.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite,

Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing! Here.

Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals. Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job!

Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here!

balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.

Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385.

J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs.

Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this?

"We." This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped.

- Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people.

Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple!

I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome. My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive?

Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.

MAN: Hey, how’s it going?

Pterodactyl! Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick!

Can't believe our daughter married you,

I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff. Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that.

Get down. Hurry. Run. And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it. With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice. What in the hell?

But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers!

Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? No can do. Tonight's the big dance. And Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wing man. BOTH: Tiny Rick! Okay, but if not tonight, when? I don't know. When I feel like it? Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea, in the first place,

You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.

we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

Giant testicle monsters. We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,

They're part of...it. Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it, ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity?

Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now. Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see? Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race!

Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged.

There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now.

What? Why -- why me?

J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.

Please just let this work out.

Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry. Yeah, yeah. I got it. That's okay. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Try again and keep your head down.

My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something?

Oh, my god, Are those...

Hi, honey, so, here's the thing -- These guys -- They want to completely remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart.

Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid? Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.

Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun?

Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist. That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round.

Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.

l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick.

Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?!

Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

Oh, man. I cannot wait --

Now slap on these antennae. They need to think we're aliens. What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp.

It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J,

Look at that thing right there. W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this? You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty?

What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah! Come on out, Jerry! Guys, l'll choke up. I'll follow through. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay? Oh, we're well past that, Jerry.

AN NOU NCER: Spiraling perfectly! It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown! I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy?

"Fuck You."

I'm no different than that jacket you've got on! Y-Y-Y-- o-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! l-l-l'm just an object! Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Marty, Now, for the love of god, be quiet. The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy. You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty,

J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome! Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance? Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual. Moment of your time?

Too fast. SUMMER: FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.

Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool. It's not cool, Rick. l-l'm not like these people. I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company.

That's planning for failure, Marty,

Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Here's my computer.

so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about?

What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland. Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here.

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough.

Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.

Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.

burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer. I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever? And how dare you even ask me that? And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it. I saw you. Y-you're both all over the damn place.

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic.

I promise to be yours until your death. Nice! ALL: Aww! Birdperson.

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching.

You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy.

...person and just let you blow up the whole world,

That's right. What?! It's like "The Purge," Marty, That movie "The Purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called itjust Murder Night. l-lt's a purge planet.

Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park.

I'm Jerry Smith. All right. I'll just...get to the pitch. Um, simple question, gentlemen, what are apples? Excuse me. Ahh, What are apples? Apples are food.

No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be 100% honesty and open,

Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real. Marty! Summer! It's me! lt's Rick! Regular Rick!

Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

We're sorry for our increased levels of emissions and our racism and, of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone.

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick.

Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

to run your car?

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit. Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five.

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming.

What the fuck is going on? He's got it!

I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt?

'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at?

Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run!

it’s "Saturday Night Live, " starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Gar Ma Nar Nar, three, um, um, um... i ll get back to that one,

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut? What the heck?

Marty, take the wheel!

We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father.

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.

Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out.

Marty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. Hey, Dad. Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad. You're a genius at that. Wow, That's... humbling and flattering, son. Thank you.

Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that!

Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.

Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty,

Mr. Jerry Smith.

and...

Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go.

Hey, what are you in tar?

You know, I think the bottom line is, Jerry,

Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! ls -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die? Oh, geez! Oh, my god! Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought...

A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

All right, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance. Yeah, I'm just going to... check on your mom. Marty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Marty, It's gonna be great. Hey, listen, Rick. Y-Y-You know how you said that, you know, love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier?

SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer.

"Last Will and Testi-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House // " Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts? Oh, hey, Morty. You just missed a preview for your Dad's "Citizen Kane." Doesn't matter. Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys chose?

That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.

l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles.

Oh, uh, hey. What? Agga blag! Uh, what do you want? - Agga blag blag - - Ohh! Uh...

They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used.

No, you can't!

Quite an operation you got going here, Une.

Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness. Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them!

We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that.

Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.

Birdperson!! No!!

Saved your ass. All right, Morty.

I call it a miniverse. Dumb Name.

FART: The wormhole is 70 of what you call "meters" what you call "North" of what you call "Here."

Maybe that'll shut you up, Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time? On Gazorpazorp. Where were you? I was reading a newspaper. Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know, it's funny. l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs!

Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.

Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea.

ln here. Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it.

I don't think the Gromflamites can track us now, but it looks like we're gonna be here for a while. Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home. You do understand I'm telepathic, right I'm being polite. Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it?

What the fuck is going on? He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.

Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life.

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one's bigger. This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob!

and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses,

Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on! Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go. Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.

You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense.

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship.

You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery.

J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold,

Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy?

W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses.

- Unity, what's happening? - Who's Unity? You kids have nice feet. Mind if I take a picture?

Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!

Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass.

This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty,

undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch.

Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three.

MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them.

I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought. MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty? Oh, man, what's going on?

Knock them dead out there, you. Pluto is...

Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, Your parents are gonna do it, Break the cycle, Marty, Rise above. Focus on science.

Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help.

But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What?

Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick.

But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. That's what I think of your crystals, Rick! Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more K-Lax? B-Birdperson? Uh, Squanchy? Don't squaunch at me.

W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

- Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!

MAN: And there's the approach. Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis...

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna.

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes,

Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me.

I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

Everything cool in here, Beth? It's fine, Davin. Okay, cool. You know, we did something great today. There's nothing more noble and free than the heart of a horse. Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, lwill come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies.

Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit?

Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god!

Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone?

I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture.

It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com.

I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.

No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk.

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5,

Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight.

We'll be right back after these messages.

What the fuck is going on?

Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?

Hey, Rick. I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out? Whatever. Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.

A violent antique show. f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you.

Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real?

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No!

It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good '

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them.

Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah!

So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah.

You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula. Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump.

you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks. Hey! What the heck?! Neutralize the Jerry. Wait! No! I'll -- Dad! - Dad! - Rick! Everybody, relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith.

Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.

f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life?

I like that.

No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor.

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty,

Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player. Go have some fun out there Birdp-- Bird-- Birdperson.

they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith.

Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh! Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable.

Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Whoa! Summer?!

Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty, Look, l-l-l I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. Just hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse. What proc--

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country,

it's an invitation to let go of the body and an opportunity to share and experiment. Dad, please. What are you saying? Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover.

and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down.

What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?!

Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

My god. Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved if we replace his heart with your human penis. I see. Wait, what? It's perfect.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so." Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on!

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

I love it. Marty Smith. l'm Scroopy Noopers. I'm a scientist. Can I show you something? Uh, I better not. Right now. The center of Pluto, Mr. Smith, is made of a substance called "plutonium." mines like these suck plutonium up to the cities,

Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head. J, Let me out J, J, What you see is not the same person as me J, J, My life's a lie J, J, I'm not who you're looking at J, J, Let me out, set me free J, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J,

Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out. I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.

We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you. Jerry, it's your house -- whatever you say it is is how it is -- but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door.

So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out. You know what? I'm taking this.

Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new. Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful.

Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles.

l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Let go of me! Marty!

Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

and then y-y-you help 'em? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together. Dude, are you -- w-- you're being a dick, right? Oh, gosh, l-l hope not. l-l-l-l-l-l wouldn't want to offend you in any way. You're really a Rick?

l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose,

Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts? Oh, hey, Morty. You just missed a preview for your Dad's "Citizen Kane." Doesn't matter. Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys chose? Doesn't matter.

You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!

It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty,

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.

Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god!

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you.

Marty, why? Why? Good bye. So, did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard?

Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him. Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no!

- Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.

Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold.

J, Everybody seems so far away from me J, J, Everybody just wants to be free J,

"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

so you can make an army of your badass self? There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know,

That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry.

How's this for a burning sensation?

What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool!

Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face?

We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get --

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension.

I like this name -- Fart.

Why are you looking at me?

This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent! A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?!

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal!

What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad!

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What?

I just want to go back to hell,

I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy,

Marty, Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J,

Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god, Whoa. What the hell?

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot! You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding.

Don't even trip, dawg.

I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did,

1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you --

of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick?

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

Sally, the plate, please.

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible!

Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up,

Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in yourway? Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits!

Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl! Asshole!

It is random debris. I found it in my carpet.

See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns.

I'm a good person.

in a world where muscular Mannies are coming, and they're coming strong, there's only three unmuscular Michaels. Get down. Hurry. Run. And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it.

Aah! Huh? What the fuck?

It's okay! Never mind!

Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically.

I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

Happy human holiday, Dad. Aah! Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system. That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline.

and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch!

Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities,

It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty.

that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier! Look -- look at the tag. Read it. It says, "Marc Jacobs." Marc? Jacob? These are names ofthe penis. Yes. An Earth man made this top.

We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? You're missing the point, Marty,

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

That's... stupid.

We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine! Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles.

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast.

It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all.

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

Come on, Morty.

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move!

High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch?

I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park. What about... Pirates of the Pancreas?

You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick.

You're a surgeon -- a human surgeon. Yay, you win.

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch.

Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. l have an idea.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.

I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father. He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick.

Marty and l have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.

Holy crap! God damn!

Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?! Drop the gun.

Dad, please. What are you saying? Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them --

If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling.

All right, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things. Excuse me. Can I help you? Starting with common office objects. Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! Such as staplers and pins and all sorts ofthings like -- such as that. That's it, I'm calling security. No!

Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump. You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch. Thank you, Marty,

RICK: Learning to fly this thing, Marty, is gonna be really liberating. You know, you're gonna be free to go on all kinds of errands for me. Cool. See that planet right there? Don't fly too close to that planet. Someone will come out and try to wash your windshield. Hold on. Yeah? Yeah, I have it, Where do you want to meet? All right, cool. All right, Marty, lesson's over.

Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top.

So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckers at the dance! Tiny Rick! Marty, you have to help me! Summer, he's happy! I'm happy!

Nope. This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty, Anything with less than eight limbs is considered disabled here. WOMAN: Well, look at this fella. Aren't you handsome? Thank you. - I'm Jerry. - Oh, I know you are.

Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging outwith Marty, and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh.

It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this?

naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles.

What about...

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up,

There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!

We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option.

there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living.

This is obviously a wash.

You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this.

- Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything. Yeah. But I feel like one ofthe 64 Ricks, like, sacrificed himself for me? - Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty,

Aw, hell, no, dawg.

Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the Hulk. I just got that. Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose. Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. Somebody call for repairs?

what have you done for me lately? So, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going out onto the sidewalk, l'm dropping to my knees, and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather. Out of my way. Okay. lf sanity's been restored to this assembly, I'd like to talk about the cast of repairing our new organ.

Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer.

That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Marty, Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez! I just gotta go to the bathroom. Damn. Oh, Okay, good.

What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room,

Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.

Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please?

Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up,

J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh?

Are you? You're not. Or are you?

Motherfucker!

Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up!

lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store.

My top! Screw your top! You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school! ALL:

I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over.

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God?

Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world

It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John,

Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here!

Yeah! We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now!

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later.

We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there,

Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this?

What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me!

Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue.

but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is -- I'll take you to dinner. Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine. I can't take it anymore.

This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas?

[processing, powering up f

the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it?

She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is gonna be an asshole to my sister, then, you know, y-y-you may as well be old again. You think you're tough, huh, Marty? What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

- Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it.

That's right, assholes.

Teach us, Marty! Interesting. W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist?

A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems.

Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up?

I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen.

You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty, - It would go without saying, huh? - Yeah, it would. Did you hear me say it? Nah. The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown.

I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me?

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.

I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty, don't -- don't -- don't be like that. The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place. You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun.

Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes...

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding. You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer.

119/11s,

Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon.

Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are.

What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son.

- What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English?

You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison.

Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay? On Earth, men and women are equals.

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh.

I am here if you need to talk.

I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you,

RICK: Listen, Beth, don't torture yourself. I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale. ls, um, is he mad at me? He's not pressing charges. I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad. Can he have visitors? He'd like to be alone.

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls!

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, There's still fountains down there J,

That's not how it works!

Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.

All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!

Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis. This microscope reveals things beyondcomprehension. Grandpa, go home and drink.

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?!

Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice. So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big,

Pull the fucking trigger!

Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under-- underfoot figure. Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty!

G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No!

MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say --

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty,

Oh, shit. We got tiny people,

What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah!

God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.

We're gonna just steal a couple of things. Excuse me. Can I help you? Starting with common office objects. Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! Such as staplers and pins and all sorts ofthings like -- such as that. That's it, I'm calling security. No!

We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn!

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!

Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

No, you didn't.

Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants?

Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source.

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

- Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither.

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10!

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry. Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special.

So, let's just stay inside, and, you know, let's try dancing, right? Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice.

It's the middle of the night.

f honks horn f Son of a bitch.

Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do!

Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na,

He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.

Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What? I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice. Pardon, Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension? Sure! Let's go to the ascension.

All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know?

Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting. Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go. I'm not watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your medal's in the mail. - I'm gonna get a closer look. - Oh, okay, sure. And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve. Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other.

Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker!

I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

Class dismissed.

The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit. Race war!

Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work,

and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, Bobby Mo ynihani Interesting fun fact --

What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem?

Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben.

Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road! Aaaaaaaaaaah! For the love of god, get dressed!

Ugh! No!

That's the best sex I've ever had in my life.

Not on my watch.

Jerry, get a job.

Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him?

Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one's bigger.

And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights! Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now?

and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me.

Bring me the thing. What --what thing? The thing. The thing. It's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it, It -- it -- it beeps. Rick! That describes everything in your garage!

Hey, don't shove me!

Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior. Knock it off, both of you! G-Give me him! Give me my baby! You're both nuts! I'm gonna raise Marty Jr, myself! J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J, Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty.

I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great.

Uh, yeah, lwas there. You don't have to rub it in. I mean it's been shot with a gun. MAN: My gun. May I help you, sir? No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car, and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me. We don't have time for this, okay?

No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies. Oh, boy, Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh? That's a relief. Yep. Don't even sweat. You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?! Drop the gun. You don't understand! This guy was gonna kill someone! I guess that makes two of us, Aah! What are you doing, Marty? This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory, but Grandpa and government don't get along. ALIEN: He saved my life. - What? - Huh?! Whoa!

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business.

Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it,

We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community. May my chores complete me as I complete them.

Well, your mother and I are gonna be spending some time apart, Marty, And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy. - What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next? What about this? Babylegs, you’re a good detective. But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs.

Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend.

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm --

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.

You're crying? Over a Marty?

What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.

No, you won't. The police are coming.

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on!

Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

Boo, boo! Marty sucks!

They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card. She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,,

Oh shit.

A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad?

Too fast.

I don't know how this works! Help me!

Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up,

Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!

So what?

Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

Okay. Here we go. H-Hey, Jessica. Uh... What's up, Marty? What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going...

And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter.

I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em. RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty, I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let'sjust find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Marty, Proceed to the liver.

Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific?

Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

Don't move.

I mean, it's -- it's not a place for smart people, Jerry.

Is that a lot? Is it a little?

100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures.

Nintendo, give me free stuff.

In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel. So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved?

but it's certainly not what he died for.

Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable.

I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all.

Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go.

J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, Whoa! J, Ohh, it feels good J,

RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes. Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit.

relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting. MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say --

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see,

I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!

Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?

Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was Kitt. Nobody rode Michael Knight.

Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely.

We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez!

This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?

Peace among worlds, Rick.

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically.

Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits! ...where the food is tiny. It looks like regular food, but really tiny. You can put it in your mouth and eat it. Nothing gets stuck in your lips. It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie.

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name.

Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside?

Hey, Summer, haven't seen you at flute practice in a while.

And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

Man, look at them go. So coordinated. What's your problem?

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching.

Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.

that is a really nice, cute top that you're wearing there. Top, My top! My top -- the same top you complimented earlier!

Good job, Morty.

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream?

Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real.

Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here?

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay.

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch!

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,

Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and l have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore Free-fi to Fo-home. W-what the hell is he talking about? They're free to go, is what I meant. l-l-l'm deconstructing our -- our -- our thing we say. For giants. Nobody got that?

Summer, I've always loved you!

W-w-w-where we running ta? Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work,

See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family,

MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete!

Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself!

What the hell happened? Mr. President, you're gonna want to see this. I think planet Earth has just been transported.

Class dismissed. Geez.

Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.

Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur.

Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining. We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this?

I hate acting. I hate cocaine. I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been. J, Give me a name J,

I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack? That's Bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho?

This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

JESSICA: Marty!

M-my drink is empty.

None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice. Hey, Marty, there's our Jerry. Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick. Glad you're safe, Jerry. What do you say we go home? I'd like that. Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126?

Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples?

Uh-oh.

i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside.

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this.

This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless.

You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop, You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven. You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick. What do you know, Marty? What do you know?

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you.

You can put your fingers wherever you want. RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite.

Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.

Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing. Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Lookin' good. Slow down! My man!

Two brothers in a van,

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we --

Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.

Oh, you made it! I wouldn't miss it for the world! Oh, my god, I love your ring. Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. She fought a squirrel for it. Birdperson. Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy. Our pleasure.

"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story, to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it.

In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here?

You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"?

Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out!

Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back,

What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary.

Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

Don't fall for it, It's a bit.

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick.

All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you? Ohh! He's asking if Tiny Rick will be here. Well, you know what, Summer? Tell him Tiny Rick Tyi/f be here! And tell him to bring some brews! For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick, just so we can have a party? Hell, yeah! What's one more night?

- Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha?

Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

"Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason.

So, class dismissed. You've got the day off! All right! Good work, Mr. Goldenfold! Yeah, get outside. Read a book. Put on some sunscreen, Danielle! Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top. Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? No can do. Tonight's the big dance. And Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wing man.

I should get going anyway. Wait, wait, wait! C-come on. H-hold on a second. Hold on. - What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing.

you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery.

Oh, my god!

You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard.

I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah.

...give you anything!

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,

Where is Marty? [conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected!

It was a long six hours, but we've overhauled "Needful Things" into the globally-compliant web 4.0 "E-nomenon," n33dful.Com, spelled with threes instead of "E's." Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google!

Oh, I... Plutonians. Jerry Smith is a scientist from Earth, where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision. Um... Pluto's a planet.

No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

It's a good-a show!

Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

That's the last straw! I can't believe this -- I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?!

This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.

Your destination is below. We're all out of off-white Persian. Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?! Drop the gun. You don't understand! This guy was gonna kill someone! I guess that makes two of us, Aah! What are you doing, Marty? This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory,

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you. Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa!

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage.

Uh, anything else. What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

what do you think? You're fired.

This is.

I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern.

Cheers to that, motherfucker!

Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb!

go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,

But most importantly, you got to relax. You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don't think this is working. I give up, I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck.

l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty,

Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs!

Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing!

Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay.

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth.

Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- Screw that. This is my chance... to gain some footing with the cool kids. That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17. Why do you party? To get ...

Ooh, nice! I think we'll take our food to go. No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer. Fair enough.

Of course you don't. But Zeep did. He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick.

New York Times bestselling author, your book is about innocence, the definition of it, and, inevitably, its impossibility. Is it autobiographical? Certainly. I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager.

I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't! What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp--

Uh, I get to be in the commercial! MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

I can't believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it. Okay, now put it back on.

Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal!

You better stop with that. Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me. Oh! Or don't. Hey! Don't! Please! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god!

Show me what you got!

But then I think, you know, in a lot ofways, l'm nota high-School senior from the planet Earth.

After 988 seasons of "Planet Music," the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Good bye. Yeah! We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now!

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?

What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you,

No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here!

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J,

What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species, Beta Seven. Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice.

L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us!

Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl.

Marty, Time to purge.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally. Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go! There's gotta be a way to contact my dad. Let's find a control room or something.

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me.

You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp,

Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,

Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to. Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

RICK: Worst movie ever. SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime. Get it? You know, 'cause it's frozen. This has been so much fun.

an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise -- It's never pretty. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs, or, should I say, here we have the way Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other. As we can all see,

Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor.

Not my fault this is happening. Well, well, well. Uh, morning, Frank. "Morning"?

D-i-i-i-i-ie!

That's... stupid.

I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four, the galaxy's most successful couples' counseling institute.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity. l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty.

I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed.

Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid!

We are not...them. Assemble the troops. I've made a decision. Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak,

You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Pants!

These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch!

why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well?

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way.

Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,

Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

I like it, Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!

Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel. I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, but beyond that... I know you can do it, son. I think it's time I get a place of my own, I promise I'll call you every day I need money or a place to do laundry.

Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit.

l squanch my family.

No! No! Ow!

I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?

Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

Get them! Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse. So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die.

J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J,

It's a good show!

Shit!

Pluto is... ...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet.

So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick, if you're so much smarter than them? It's an obsession for them at this point. The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead ofthem. Aha! Here we go. Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips.

Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really.

it’s a 45-horsepower with antiiock brakes, and " the official car of "Mr, Sneezy 3D. " it’s the brand-new Sneezy XL. The horn, when you honk it, makes a sneeze noise. it’s polite, " right,

and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.

I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself.

There we go. Much better. Now we can see. Great. Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst.

spelled with threes instead of "E's." Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google! Mm. I'm so proud of you, Lucius. So, how much did we make? "We."

Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ...

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here! Yo, ding-dong, we're done here. Time to go. Well, Jerry

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through.

Aww, I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson! J, Girl, you got it going on J,

It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius.

Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir. You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond."

Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben. Reuben, Minne-- Minnesota? Reuben on the table, Marty,

G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked!

For real?

They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

How can I assist you? I want to talk to Unity, Beta Seven. I know it's in there. You're classified as a hostile entity, and Unity doesn't want to talk to you. I know your game, Beta Seven. I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in-the-wings shoulder to cry on! You are classified as a hostile entity. Oh, you're just loving this, mother-- this isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal.

Looks like Scary Terry's having a nightmare. Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know... ...scare Scary Terry. Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry! What the hell are you doing here?! What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917.

more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs -- one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory. I'm gonna miss you, Snowball.

Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick,

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.

I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? I prefer my own penis, and so should you! The brave Earth man whose sacrifice is going to allow Shrimply Pibbles to live --

- Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad!

J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right!

First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.

All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally,

I always could count on you.

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah!

Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah!

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!

No, you were shot like 50 times.

Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here. I haven't learned a thing!

making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works?

pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.

So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Now, let's go get you hydrated. Looks like we've got... haunted boxing gloves that wril make you the heavyweight champion in 1936, and then you'll be trapped there, winning the same fight for eternity. I can take out the "eternity" and the padding, and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens. Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby. How's business?

You will walk when it is time to walk.

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha?

Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty,

Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

I don't give a shit!

I just got expelled, Summer! Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young. My top! Screw your top! You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school!

The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth,

This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible. And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't.

9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit!

which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role, Am I a victim, Beth, or am I married to a mean, unfair monster that always hurts me?! Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage... or get a divorce already? Well, we tried a couples' therapist.

Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great.

Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!

Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna."

- Brad! Hey! - Yo. Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk, Cool. The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right.

Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song,

Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why?

J, The ground can be space J, J, Space, space, space, space J, J, With feet marching towards a peaceful sky J, J, All the moon men want things theirway J,

See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that.

Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Marty, They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay! What do you -- w-w-what are we gonna do? We'll scam the scammers, Marty, And we're gonna take them for everything they've got. JERRY: National Apple Farmers of America,

Come here. No! Stop! I hate this!

but it's my two cents on the issue.

ALL: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oof! Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers.

puppeteered by somebody else.

Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you. l'm counting to three, Jerry.

Marty, take the wheel! Whoa! Whoa! Geez! Damn it, Morty! Who taught you to fly this thing? I'm kidding. I know that's on me. Um, Rick! RICK: Shit. Well, I guess this is it. Marty, crack the window.

No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know,

the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America!

Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers.

Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

The body is decaying. The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train?

RICK: Shit.

You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

This is obviously a wash. Yeah, you were saying that back -- back w-w-w-when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps. Oh, boy, Morty. Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure. What do you say, Marty? I say give me a hand, sidekick.

Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

You have no idea what prison is like here!

It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on! Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire! Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah!

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ]

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

Ugh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, boy, What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J,

W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity.

and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

l'm counting to three, Jerry. What the fuck is going on?

Oh! Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!

You don't know me!

Don't be rick-diculous, Marty, Will you stop saying that? It's stupid. Take his Marty away. Come with me. Yeah, gladly. Geez, man. Ricks, huh? Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside? It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick.

God damn it! God damn it!!

Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that,

I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool!

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night.

Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids? I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food?

Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.

Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys. All right, here we go. Thank y-o-o-ou.

But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.

and then you're going to love inside of me. No mess. No clean. Beth! Bet you're glad I think Kindles are dumb now. BETH: I can't help but feel a little guilty. I didn't peg Lucy for a rapist.

- MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good.

In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you,

I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick! Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards!

No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?

And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.

- Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah!

It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

Owl, Oof! Ugh! Damn it! I'm all right. I'm okay. All right, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is? Marty? Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40.

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! Oh, my god! Siamese twins! They're -- They're Siamese twins! You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news. Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name. Hey, flip back to the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tell our parents started with naming with him.

See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.

Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

JERRY: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk. Jerry, get a job. Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry? You're the man ofthe house, and you don't have a job. Delivery for Rick.

Is it autobiographical? Certainly. I mean, all writing is, in my opinion. But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas --

But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable.

Sh-- Obviously --

Sex is sacred!

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up.

ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity, powering our homes and businesses, improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano.

All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry.

We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.

No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying!

You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters.

Yeah, bra,

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer. And I know you wanted to be the one to save it,

Oh, God, Sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five Quintons and tell me when they're not. I think we should make Kevin look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that?

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it,

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

- You all right? - Uh-Huh!

What, what, what -- a night on the couch?

You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty, for them to work. Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?!

Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

has developed a source of energy that makes gooble boxes obsolete. I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

- I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass.

Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Mrs. Tate, is it? What do you desire? Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,.,

What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.

Oh, man. Okay. All right, um... J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J,

I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run! I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Marty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Marty!

More wine?

Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome. Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna." He's saying "I love Obama." So cute!

Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

I guess it's back to the drawing board.

"Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty, Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty, That way you can, you know -- y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time. Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?

It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane.

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are.

Oh, god, my head. What did you guys do? We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it,

"Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show, Where it pits a man... Yeah! undefined ....versus a car. On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. Here we go. Oh, he's pushing his way through. He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand.

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204.

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty,

Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army,

He made me feel like a girl! I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man.

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit. This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom oftheir shoe on a piece of alien fruit. Someone?

Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is. Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break Mom's heart. And I won't forgive you for that. Where's the van, Marty? It's over the horizon in the driveway.

All right! I like your squanch!

Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

Kill Pencilvester. Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"? lce-T! Ah, damn.

l-l-l basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly.

I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys.

I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since High School. And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah!

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing!

Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty? Oh, man, what's going on? Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Marty,

Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this.

You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap. JESSICA: Marty!

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe?

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,

You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty? Any idea what that is down there? The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are. lfwe would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because y-- because you're so in love with school. All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty,

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them.

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity.

What you got going on there? Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over.

Marty, Birdperson? You appear to be dying. I will make efforts to prevent this but can promise nothing.

SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?!

I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty, You have no idea what prison is like here!

and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey!

How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J,

Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me?

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick,

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Marty, And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty,

Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding.

Wait, w-where is that music coming from? What is the meaning ofthis? J, It feels good J, Here's the deal. I'm not here to judge. I'm just a guy from another planet. But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you.

You're kidding me. Notice anything different?

What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney.

Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!

Come on, Morty. Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck! Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Marty,

Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts, and l have to do it one-handed to keep these Belushis from carting you off. The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender. Ugh. What's the deal with this place? Why is it such a sausage planet, and how did such backward idiots invent robots? Obviously, at some point,

W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties.

Well, herwaistline isn't. Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free. You're saying I should leave Jerry.

Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?!

J, And now we say goodbye J, Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye.

tn the news today, this tooks a tot worse than it is. We ’re reallyjust having a good time. Karen F Thanks, Todd, Up next, are you a concerned grandchild or fast a buzzkill? We W te// you how you can know for sure. I think you two are a little outnumbered. Okay, well, what if you did it for me? What if you came with us as a favor to us because you love us?

How are you today?

Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun. Like, letting go ofthe need to be popular is what makes people like you. The most important love you can receive is from yourself. Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club!

There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00.

Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that.

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty,

Suck my huge dick!

Where am I?! You're at a wedding. Go change. J, And I'm an alien with jazz rap style J, J, Jazz rapping for an alien mile J, J, Fat beats and an alien smile J, J, Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend J, J, I got a mouthful ofjazz for your ass J,

Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? Uhhh...

This is my house.

If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu... something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator.

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!"

Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty?

ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god!

- Out. - Whatcha doin'? Well, I can't solve the problem my way, thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups. Gross. I might havejust touched one of Morty's loads. But maybe I can find suitable parents for Marty Jr, on this robot's home world, which is... Gazcorpazcorp in the Andromeda system. Scoot, Summer. Don't you need a new companion

RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday! JERRY: Oh! Jerk. Don't insult my father. He's the reason our kids are only half-stupid. Ha! You just called yourself -- Oh, - Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four. Your marriage can rest easy now.

Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too.

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots, Kalo kada sha la, Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up,

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on.

Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

"Morning"?

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?

All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.

You don't know me!

Quite an operation you got going here, Une.

This looks nice. Mom, Dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cab! Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool. Are those... mountains on a cob?

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.

Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky?

The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch. Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

Y-Y-You know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party.

I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind.

It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself.

SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer. She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey. Shut up, Jerry.

But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god!

- Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! What is going on? Aah! Give me my E yeholes! l’m E 'yehole Man! That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!

Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb. Excuse me, sir, is your Marty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured -- Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Marty, But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together, we're gonna run around, Marty, We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty, Just you and me, Marty, Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty,

God damn it, Morty.

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.

And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

HEADS: Hooray! Yeah. All right. J, Oh, yeah J, Uh-huh. Here we go. J, Oh, yeah J, J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J,

No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid.

She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence.

Holy crap, Marty, run!

All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously. Uh-oh, Marty, Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss? Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar.

But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community. May my chores complete me as I complete them.

What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them,

They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

ALL:

it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it!

J, These memories that we cherish J, J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right.

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

Look. This shit is delicious. A movie about a guy eating shit.

You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight.

Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery.

Nojumpin' in the sewer.

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh? Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing?

and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die? Don't worry.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say.

I can't leave now. Everyone hates me.

lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

Oh, my Gad, Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! There's not even a single word in "Hungry For Apples" that's shared by "Got Milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different!

U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax. Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, It's still raining up here J,

- Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. We pretty much nailed it the first time.

Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.

Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut? What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah! Come on out, Jerry!

And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby. There was a seven-horse collision, and Davin's there alone. Davin. Davin. Da vini Davin.

Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool!

Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it, Rick! Yeah, yeah. Hey, have a good festival, old timer. I intend to. Rick, unlock it! Just a second, Marty, Oh, look at that sunset. Stop screwing around.

grounded story about their shitty marriage.

Oh, no!

but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god!

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked. Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases.

This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town.

Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?!

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god!

Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.

Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet,

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass!

I think planet Earth has just been transported. PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children. Holy crap! Oh, dear giant Head, we apologize for that discussion. It will never happen again. Oh, dear -- Oh, dear giant Head... Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now.

Me, too.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right?

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers.

Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty.

Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Come on, Morty. Let's hit it, MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know?

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out,

www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

Who are Just Regular Brothers, Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers,

It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's-a good show-a,

Fair enough. Thank you, kind sir. Our village is saved! You are both true heroes! Oh! Good job, Morty. Looks like you won the bet.

Yeah, baby!

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto." And a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who's making headlines with his bold announcement that is what, Jerry? Pluto is a planet. Well, how about that. I love it. Marty Smith. l'm Scroopy Noopers.

Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it.

But we don't like the idea of these people getting married, Put a line in the sand, everybody. Vote "no" on proposition X W2. The act that says trunkpeople can get married, Who needs it? Not on my watch. Paid for by Michael Denny and The Denny Singers.

I love watching bukkake.

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him?

God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole?

At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food and make gadgets.

From Summer being a total bitch!

and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!

Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them.

my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket. Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on.

You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax.

Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl!

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die! - Out. - Whatcha doin'? Well, I can't solve the problem my way, thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups.

Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!

Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera. Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12.

Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Wha -- look at this. And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery.

No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah! Oh, god, I can't feel my legs. Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe. Confirmed, Na,

You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick!

All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship.

but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

BOTH: Tiny Rick!

Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three.

I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men!

You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse.

Do you ever get scared Grandpa Rick might make me his new sidekick? What?! What kind of monster are you? A competent one. Who cares about the things you guys are talking about? the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad, and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing.

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Disqualified. There's one every season.

Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Summer? What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it!

All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

- You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast. Well, I thought I'd walk to the South Pole and do a little bit of exploring. Ifyou guys need me, just yell or throw something so hard that it goes around the world and hits me. Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. You know, it's a small world, Please, he's in the South Pole!

Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight? Yeah, sure. Wait. What?

What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great.

How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down,

Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down,

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little. Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks.

it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about.

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit.

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?

J, Diamond stars of cosmic light J, J, Quasars shine through endless night J, J, And everything is one in the beauty J, J, And now we say goodbye J,

This is where we're going? Nope. This is.

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on!

We'll have two Bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth.

So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life!

Yeah, hello. Hey, what do me and OJ. not have in common? Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.

Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

- What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker!

You don't know me!

Rick and Summer of Earth,

You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

f laughs ] it’s a pleasure to have you. The pleasure's all mine. Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous. - JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine. Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid.

What is 5 x 9? Umm...you know, it's uhh ...at least 40. Marty, that's exactly correct! 5 X 9 is at least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Marty! Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. Teach us, Marty! Interesting.

W O M A N ', Ongoing investigations.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser.

Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

Whoa, man! What the hell was that?!

Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Mr. Pibbles, you just wrote my penis a one-way ticket to staying on my body town. ANNC)UNCER: it’s the opposite news with Michael Thompson. Hey, everybody, it’s me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn 't get killed. He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba.

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you.

Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!

- A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream?

J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. RICK: Now let's go, Marty, We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh--

It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what?

No! Not twigs!

Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

You, not me! You! - Aah! - Aah! - O h, my god, - Aah! Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies,

Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro! I can't believe she's here.

I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure.

Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space. " l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space.

You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid! Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty,

I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?!

Okay, wait here. I want to come with. Don't come with. It's boring. lt's -- it's business stuff. What kind of business do you do in a garage? You know, this seems a little shady. Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Marty?

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now,

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,.,

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device.

...and nine cats who break all the rules.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh, my god, this is rich! I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.

it's all back to normal. Just do it already. Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush.

we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free! Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu? You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya. You know, we -- w-we should be proud of ourselves. We killed a vampire anda gym teacher.

sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel. Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop, What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.

J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you.

JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them?

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off.

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. Do not call me that!

and fuck me for letting my guard down,

Goddamn it,

Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby!

did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient."

You're doing great, Marty, Really? You think? I mean, I'm not doing much of anything. What do I do if it cries? Then you put it down and let it cry itself out. Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer, and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it.

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real!

Cronenberg Morty.

Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come.

You can -- we got Chabos and Flobos, and you can shoot thingsl Get over here! Play the games! Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets! "Ro y 2"just got here. Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre? Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back.

Ohhhh, snap!

poof. Um, a party? ls everyone in your family an idiot? Well, for sure me and my Dad are. Well, all you have to do is get him to admit that,

and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval? No, that's dumb. Yeah, not satisfying. I'll tell you what, though. lf -- if -- if it's satisfaction you're after, I think I might have an idea. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,

Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice.

Back the fuck up! Aah!

I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.

I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with. J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song!

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out. Whoa! Come on, come on!

W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible! Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats, but you get -- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put them in agonizing pain, that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker.

Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

Wait, what?

Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

This is a Galactic Federation outpost!

They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me!

Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it,

I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap?

Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page.

It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something. Thanks, Marty, I'm pretty proud ofthis bad boy, Check it out.

Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low. Duck, duck, birdie?

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention, there are extensive medical records open on my desktop, and I trust you to confine your activities.., to the purely pornographic. Absolutely! Good luck.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!!

Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks! RICK: Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So, let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else.

Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.

All right, that's it, Move out! I love this spider! FEMALE VOICE: Summer is safe. All right, I get it, ZEEP: Riiiick!

so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem?

Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right? ALL: Never.

J, Give me a name J, J, Hear my faith J,

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass. List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up!

J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting. Steve wasn't real? He's a real piece of shit.

Drop the portal gun.

You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first.

Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair.

- MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

You know, you're right. I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me. All right, guys, let's go home. If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo... - With my family. - What?! - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! undefined It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!? Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry! Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll go home. What the hell is he talking about?!

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

- Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved. No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it, - Yeah, I did. Now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak-ass time again. How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison,

Whiteness -- pure whiteness. You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-,

Can we start cleaning the house and see how we feel?

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me?

I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down!

This is a fucking operation.

Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that -- breathe that fresh air in, Marty, Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Marty, That's -- that's the smell of -- of -- of -- of a whole different evolutionary timeline. All right, Rick, look -- how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now? Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, Look at that thing right there.

Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young?

It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J,

Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour. ...seven...

by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me. Oh! Or don't. Hey! Don't! Please!

"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick.

Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat.

Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power.

What's that? Who's that baby?

Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke.

There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time!

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much.

There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go. Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man, Rick. What is this place? lt's dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Marty, called a Mega tree,

so you can make an army of your badass self? There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

This disaster was an inside job.

Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

One by one, lwill unify them, I will become the universe, and lwill be what the single-minded once called a god. I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when yourworld is one. Unity, Unity, who am I talking ta?

If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this?

you can make anything sound bad, Marty, Here, check this out. Aah! Roy, what's wrong? I had a nightmare. l was with an old man. He put a helmet on me. It's just a fever. Get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on Monday.

All right, yeah, put -- put them on my-, eh. I just got bored. Everybody out.

Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention, there are extensive medical records open on my desktop, and I trust you to confine your activities.., to the purely pornographic. Absolutely! Good luck. My god!

I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it...

SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what?

What kind of God lets this happen? We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,

You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to --

Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me!

No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks!

Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick. This is perfect. I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J19-Zeta-7! Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me. I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry.

He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

Get back! Wait, for real? You're how Beth sees me? Oh, my god, Turn around! I said turn around! How can Beth have these thoughts about me?!

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"?

Rick?

who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick.

Hello. Guess who just sold the apples campaign. Who just sold the apples campaign? Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse,

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

You ask a lot of questions, Marty,

We will find our peace in the next world, So, what -- y-y-y-y-you're just gonna give up? We're giving in -- to the power of the one true Marty, One day, he will return. TOGETH ER: Praise the one true Marty, Ugh. All right, Mortys, listen up,

Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true,

It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves!

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

You guys are doing it wrong, He said "Simple." Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it,

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple!

You quit school, but you still got some learning to do. Aah! Unh!

Huh? W-Who is this? I found the real killer, bitch! Get over here!

- Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself.

Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad!

Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick. Marty, that's not class.

There could never be more than one of me. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive because Jertythinks you're that much stronger and smarter than you are! Okay, ouch.

Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you? Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty,

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck.

You could play guitar. You could masturbate.

Open the door! Open the door! Open the door!

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!

Gross!

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

Yeah! We did it! Yes! Let's get a music album now! Did he just say "Musical Reality Show"? Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all. Help! We should go get him.

The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. 1.77245385. Whoa! What the hell? Holy crap. He's right. Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

Marty's grounded!

This? This is a losing battle. Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married! I mean, what do you think's gonna happen if you open yourself up a little bit? I mean, look around. This is your family and friends all around you, you know? Take the day off. There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight. That's his last name.

Boo! Not cool!

Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter? Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention. To a conversation about vampires?! Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires, because I wasn't paying attention, which you would know, if you ever paid attention to me! Oh, here we go, right to the victim role, Am I a victim, Beth,

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

I hate being a teenager!

Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet! I'm an idiot, and I love my son. It was a long six hours, but we've overhauled "Needful Things" into the globally-compliant web 4.0 "E-nomenon," n33dful.Com,

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Yeah, get outside. Read a book. Put on some sunscreen, Danielle!

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

Eh, I make my own stuff. So, what are you -- like, the devil? - What? Sorry? - I don't know. Store comes out of nowhere, all the shit's old and creepy. Are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun? Grandpa Rick! Hey, I'm notjudging. Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science. Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis.

Jessica.

- Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

Did you get any ofthat?

You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet!

Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.

Rick! I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?

What the fuck?

Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak,

like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it. Terrific. The Fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us, Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?

- Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay --

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out. And don't even try to deny it, either. MORTY:

Oh, way to go, Rick.

I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica!

You know, you're not being very supportive of Birdperson on his big day. Birdperson's big day, Marty, was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon against the Gromflamites! This? This is a losing battle.

Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me."

Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

a goddess. Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind. I love you. [processing, powering up f

Hmm. Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it!

Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty! JERRY: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night. Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It's not a very romantic setting.

I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuffthem down and -- Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting. Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go. I'm not watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your medal's in the mail. - I'm gonna get a closer look. - Oh, okay, sure. And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve.

and my lack of cats. I promise to be yours until your death. Nice! ALL: Aww! Birdperson. Tammy, l was approaching infertility when I met you,

H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No!

Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them. The Glarp Zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only,

I'm gonna kick your ass!

- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed.

I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever.

They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else. Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay?

What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you, - What? - Nothing.

You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse. Come on, come on, come on. Pterodactyl!

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way.

Good afternoon. I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? I prefer my own penis, and so should you! The brave Earth man whose sacrifice is going to allow Shrimply Pibbles to live --

It's a good-a show!

lt's Rick! Regular Rick! Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!

Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world.

Whoa! Look at you! You're wearing the hat and everything!

It's show- ... time.

Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

I got pregnant at 17. I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't... I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth.

I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

And the final ingredient...

Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome.

Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs! Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- Never betray me, and it's time to go.

Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.

That was oxygen.

Oh, man, Rick! W-w-w-where we running ta? Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge. Here we go. Holy crap! Come on, Morty.

Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished. Yes, it's satisfying work. Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh -- it's more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world. It's the only time I can really think... and feel.

We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people.

Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!

It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes. Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time. Yes.

They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end.

Science isn't ch-- cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no.

Yeah, now, because the gym coach was a vampire, the school board is embarrassed and won't take it public. However, they can't have students killin' teachers. I gotta expel you for this one, TR. I'm sorry. I just got expelled, Summer! Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young. My top! Screw your top!

SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain. Right.

Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty,

cactus, shark, golden retriever,

I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec. These are the forms for the employee health plan. All right, yeah, put -- put them on my-, eh. I just got bored. Everybody out.

J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

The nipple hole. It's beautiful.

So, what do you do during the festival? You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff? Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.

I mean, I'm trimming the hedges, and these things are just hanging there. Was I supposed to think the poop bunny left them? Good one, Dad. Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello?

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart. I'm really sorry your name became Fart. I will be back soon, Marty, Really? After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing. Um, cleansing? Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease.

Hooray Principal Vagina!

The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa,

Coming up next on ”Shmloo’s the Shmloss, " Shmlon y has a nightmare. Shmlantha! Shmlonai RICK: Amazing -- a dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Shmla." Shmla -- Shmlangela?

Not such a stupid worm now, are you? Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego, I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson.

That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal! It means "father of father." Then this one is not your slave, and your Earth is yet another planet dominated by men. It's not dominated by us, okay?

You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai!

Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think.

"Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho!

Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

MORTY: I think you're getting what you wanted, Summer. Something's happening to Unity. Do all of you remember who you are? Yeah, uh, my name is Ron Benson. I'm an electrical engineer, father of two, and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings, I'm a member of this planet's top race!

i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics,

Ohhhhh!

Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes!

Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy -- - They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them? The Grammys, sir. There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians, all the famous ones... they're gone. Dear god. Hold on, sir. Just a minute. lce-T survived. He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours.

l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick.

l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole. l-l thought -- Keep breathing! - Oh, god, What's happening? - Look at me!

It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them?

Sir, we started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now. HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one...

Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop.

Help! Help!! Summer is safe. I don't feel safe.

Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13. - Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!

I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already.

A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,

Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems.

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry. W-W-W-What are you doing in my room, buddy? Nothing. Iwasjust, um... checking the smoke detectors. All right. Okay, get out.

I assume planet Squanch -- 6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you.

Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks!

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples.

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

And it's the will ofthe many Heads that all children honor their parents. Dinner sounds nice. Pardon, Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the ascension? Father, can we please go to the ascension? Sure! Let's go to the ascension. Wh-wh-what is it? We hereby send these unwantables skyward that they might be inhaled by the many Heads,

Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President!

Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, There's still fountains down there J,

and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit.

RICK: Unity! Unity! Unity!

Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

Run! Marty, do it! Hit the button now!

SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.

Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw.

Mm, there is no God, Summer.

RICK: I'm almost there, Marty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States.

Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No!

I tell you what -- I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have -- like, something cool, you know? Not here, Marty, We'll stop somewhere else. Because, you know, there's always another pawn shop. MORTY: Oh, okay. ljust, um -- you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know?

What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917. Cool! Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep.

One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty, Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything.

Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.

Nice!

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!

Welcome...

Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear,

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off,

Rick!

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

Oh, my god, I'm a good person. No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him! No, no, no, no! You better keep back!

I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.

Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three. See? Our cup runneth over.

Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

I love you, too, Terry.

Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins!

Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah! No, stop! Don't kill him! Confrmed Aah!

It's called "Ooh let me out!"

I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and l have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore Free-fi to Fo-home. W-what the hell is he talking about? They're free to go, is what I meant. l-l-l'm deconstructing our -- our -- our thing we say.

Or, you know, if you still have that gun K, Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home.

Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song,

Love -- that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! All right, that's it -- no more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only! I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.

I am not staring at you. I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. This is a candid shot. I don't require a camera so -- Sorry. Hi. I am not staring at you-,

It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

Hmm. Human music.

Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez. Marty! Aah! Fucking Amish bitch shot me!

Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Damn it! Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due?

In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man. PRINCIPAL: The fact is, your son, Marty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months. What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom!

You animals! Animals! Ooh, look who's little journey's come to an end. Take him to Pluto-namo Bay. You can't kill the truth, father. What? I can see you're confused. Pluto-namo Bay is a military prison --

I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants. Compliments of the Galactic Federation. I feel better. Your debt is 7,000 Fed credits. Report to the Ministry of Employment and you will be assigned a function. Honey! I got ajob!

Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun?

Time to purge. J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J,

My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god, Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why?

It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up,

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace!

You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa!

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Wow, you sure found this guy quick, Uh, yeah, because l’m a good detective. Look, Babylegs, it’s the criminal, Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick,

Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? Yeah. I like it this way. I'm not stupid. - Phew! - Oh, Man, that guy is the Redgren Grumbholdt of pretending he knows what's going on. - Oh, you agree, huh? - It's funny. You like that Redgren Grumbholdt reference? Yeah.

J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

Alexand--

Oh!

J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones. Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my cahapes.

What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here?

Relax, Marty, Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on! Hey, you don't know me! Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane,

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

...scare Scary Terry.

We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,

Head north.

A pussy emergency!

Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.

Doesn't matter. Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys chose? Doesn't matter. Breaking news -- Academy Award- Winning actor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown. Don't even think about it,

All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends.

Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind.

Do it! Do it! Remove my penis!

you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick! P It feels good ' Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding.

Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah!

Aah!

Aah! Huh? What the fuck? Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running? Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us.

You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school!

Fakedoors. com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake do-o-o-o-rsi Hey, wait a minute, Rick.

- Rick! - Pants!

and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia? I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine. But you're not touching my crisper. Is he going to die?

Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep.

[conversing in foreign ianguage f Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected!

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks.

Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret. ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough.

Marty!

What kind of God lets this happen?

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh!

Revenge. What?! MAN: Party! Whoo, baby! LINCOLER: Please, stop!

You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me.

But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but ill tell you one thing. The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then? its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap! Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror characterwith miniature swords for fingers instead of knives. I'm Scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

before they even got pregnant, i bet, I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Ooh, nice! I think we'll take our food to go. No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer.

And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect. Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? Yes, we discovered a species oftiny pig off the coast of New Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west. We'd offer you some, but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast.

Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go.

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard!

sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right?

We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day. Ooh, family vacation!

No! Don't flashback!

Birdperson!! No!! Holy -- Drop the portal gun.

That's strange.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be...

No! Get out of my head, parasite!

Boo! Not cool!

So you better believe I don't care if it blows up, because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet. Take it from me, lce, you can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever. Pfft. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.

Father. Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No,

Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison.

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.

so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh? Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson. Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.? Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel. I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, but beyond that...

- Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me.

Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb!

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!

This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins!

Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J,

Grandpa, we need to go home, now, Fine. Sheesh.

The point ofthis is to get the drop on the guy. You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield! Yeah, that's right. You are. You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Marty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice. Great. Nice work, Morty.

We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move.

Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.

Dad, that is so sweet!

Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies.

What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.

Wait for us! There's only room for one more. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them. They're not therapists. Go, go, go!

Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't!

Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now.

I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Too fast. SUMMER:

One last stop, Where's the helicopter? There is no helicopter. And there is no Cervine Institute. But the top deer surgeon-, I'm looking at her. Thanks for teeing me up like that. You better get moving. These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work.

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship.

I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.

She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! - Teenyverse. - Teenyverse.

This trip has been a "Titanic" failure. Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you.

Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth?

Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec.

undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.

Grandpa, go home and drink. Why don't we do a model of the solar system? That's what my Dad did with me when l was your age. Oh, okay. You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science.

Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel. SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true. How is this possible? Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities,

RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.

Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt --

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L"

J, It's the, it's the J,

Um, before you go, could you sing a -- C-could you sing for me again? Yes, Marty, J, Cosmos without hatred J,

l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits.

Oh-Ho-Ho! Here we go. I'm not watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your medal's in the mail. - I'm gonna get a closer look. - Oh, okay, sure. And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve. Yawn. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other.

Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh,

Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five. Tenssica. Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough!

J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

- What's your problem? - What's yours?

Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together. Get back!

We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow!

Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes!

no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy? Not a bad trade for spider peace. All right, that's it, Move out!

Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids!

Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me. Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll,

Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

- Here's another. - l’m the killer.

There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers?

You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture. You got that right.

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator,

- Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs. As a vet, I'm sure you know that a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor. So let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out. It's time to save a life! Geez.

Extra food?

Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories,

The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you.

Thank you, Marty, You are not like other carbon-based life-forms. You put the value of all life above your own, It's how things should be. It's how they could be. I could not agree more.

lhate Mamumanums-days, and i really could go for some enchiladas. MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from? Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right.

Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one. W-w-w-what is it? It's a device, Marty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Marty, It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense.

It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel. I actually got that on another planet. So it is an alien towel to me. - Good luck. - Thanks.

Battle stations! Aah! Father! I love you, son. I should have never turned you to ice.

We should resume sinking shortly.

It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA.

Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty.

i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff,

And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty? I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina,

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!

No, no, no. Blow me. Zeep, you have an honored guest from beyond the stars. I said 12 quantum stabilizers, not ll, Fix it or it's your ass. Chris, I'm in the middle of something. Zeep, this is Rick -- The Alien.

I know everything about everything? Did you really talk me out of the abortion?

Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now!

Get away from me! No! No! Help!

I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things.

I smell the blood of -- whoop!

Eh, unless she has the flu. Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?

What the hell was that?

Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing.

You think you could help me out? Whatever. Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together?

Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, " where you can get evil items for tree! Diabolic son of a motherf--

You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is,

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much. Jerry? I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller."

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white,

and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes.

What? Why -- why me? Because, uh, you're --

Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.

That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged.

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon.

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this?

I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

Fuck 'em.

Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places. Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred.

Get your family out of here! I got this.

Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family.

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move!

They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity,

Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die!

Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!

Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right?

Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me.

Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51.

Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

Oh, my god! Oh, what is happening?!

Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself? MORTY: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick... f-for the most part. SUMMER: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad, you love them unconditionally. That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.

That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out. Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on! Ifwe got up to the Bronchial Catwalk, we could look for a blockage. I'll go.

Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. Hey, hey!

I haven't learned a thing!

These halves don't belong together, bitch!

Where did he get a gun? Who gave him a gun?

Tammy? Birdperson!! No!! Holy --

You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different, none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work.

Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real. Marty! Summer! It's me!

Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats, but you get -- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put them in agonizing pain, that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like,

J, Everybody seems so far away from me J,

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second.

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you.

Samantha, I need to know that you understand that l have a couple of eyeholes. I do. I do understand about your eyeholes. Here, look at my eyeholes.

No! No! Ow!

This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family.

I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight.

Lucy, wow.

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi.

I got to tell you, this morning, I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.

It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about. You talking about "Inception"? That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense. "Inception" made sense. You don't have to try to impress me, Marty,

ANNOUNCER: Ina world where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents,

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky.

Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback! You're just gonna make more swelling. - Don't worry, Jerry. - Just relax.

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why --

Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey!

Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right. Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes!

BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman.

Come on, Rick, quit sk-- stalling. What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over.

but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario --

It's a good-a show!

Did you get any ofthat?

J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary.

I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

J, Goes away in the end J, J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops,

He's inbound on an F-15, E.T.A. two hours. Good luck, Mr. President. Sir, the magnetic poles are about to reverse. In two hours, there may not be an Earth to save. Sanchez? Are you a musician? l dabble, Mr. President. Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51. People! Everyone! Remain calm!

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

You don't know me.

May I assist you with that? Uh, sure, yeah. Thanks. Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me." Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically. No, Marty, Your grandfather is, indeed,

I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And...um... look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life... but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir.

Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Call as up and order some fake doors today. Don’t even hesitate, don't even worry, and don't even -- All right, I'm bored. Change it, Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on.

Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death!

Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on?

Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them!

So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckers at the dance! Tiny Rick! Marty, you have to help me! Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! l-l-ls that why you're doing this,

ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.

I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J,

You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant!

like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down.

Why is everything always happening to you?! Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man. I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes.

I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt? Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay?

Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it. That's my note, you know? Please write more. - Seems a little insincere. - What? No, You don't have to mollycoddle me. I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing.

Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

Keep Summer safe.

Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

Good luck.

Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

That part ofthe cupboard is mine, Jerry! Why do you even have those?! - Give me my E yeholes! - Help me, please! Get up on out of here with my E yeholes!

Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop, What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I b-- I'd better get going. Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know --

Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

- Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?!

and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me. You know, parents are just kids having kids. One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son.

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead!

ALL: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oof!

iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on!

You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

After a little scary coitus,

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J, SUMMER: I swear to god, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now. Oh, man. Y-You hear that, Morty?

Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!

Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold!

J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey... Whoopsie. ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s. You can put your fingers wherever you want.

Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker! Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful.

What the hell happened back there?! This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad!

balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price. We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

- You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that?

P RI N C I PAL: Principal Vagina here -- Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover,

Let's be rational about this. No, I'm -- I'm just saying, we don't know there's a cause-effect relationship -- Oh, my god! What is going on now?! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell happened?

O h, my god!

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew!

You gonna take a lobster to see "Iron Man 3"?

but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.

Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me! l-l never intended to harm you, I swear. I am trying to end the festival. W-W-What do you mean? l was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival. Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her!

Aah! Unh! Class dismissed. Geez.

Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

- SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah! You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?

Oh, Dad. What? For real? TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica.

I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together. She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. S H l P ', Arming Neutrino bomb. That's it -- That's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. Get off of me, Morty! I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy. What's gotten into you? l'm -- l'm -- l'm -- I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... What are you, crazy?

You're a surgeon -- a human surgeon.

Asshole!

Fuck 'em. Fuck those people.

Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right.

Uh, l have a boyfriend. Okay. I'm not trying to be rude. I just -- I don't want to lead you on. l-l-l understand.

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer.

I do. I do understand about your eyeholes.

That's it, Marty! Hold him down! f ballad] ' Drink up, baby I J, Stay up all night J, Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith. Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J,

It's raining blood!

I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys.

And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty? Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with?

Okay, well, which is it?

Ugh. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Ugh! Oh, Rick. That was so bad. What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species,

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness.

Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Y-y-you're a monster.

You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not.

not marry me F i chose Veronica.

Good. Okay. Great.

Aah!

Get this man and his grandson on a Black Hawk to Area 51. People! Everyone! Remain calm! Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith. When God deals you an 11, you don't fold!

Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that. lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing?

We'll be right back after these messages.

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core.

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

Sex is sacred!

Well, guess what? I made him up, You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves. Don't be sheep.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds."

- What is this place? - Paradise.

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up. - Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people?

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!

Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know? Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction!

I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water.

We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

That's the end, motherfucker!

You know they won't come here anymore. Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep. I don't want to go to the dance alone.

Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, You can't just add a s[burpsl-- sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery.

Crap, they need me at the horse hospital.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah!

Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.

He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out.

Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up, Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste.

- Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,

Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

You thought about getting an abortion? Everyone thinks about it, Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it, so you're welcome. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, thank you guys so much. It's a real treat to be raised by parents that forced themselves to be together instead of being happy. Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? Mmm!

H-hello? Hey, Jerry, it's Rick. Rick! Hey. What's -- what's up? So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.

There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles. And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made. Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space. "

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs.

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this!

Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler. Dare to dream. Wait. And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hellof a lot oftrouble. No! Don't flashback!

science is more art than science, Marty, A lot of people don't get that.

I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes. Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top,

I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin! It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say. It's not like I could've actually done it, lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it,

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Extra food? Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same.

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

let me ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it? - Um... - Rhetorical question, Marty,

Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe. You know, we -- we need it to start our car. That's what you used my universe for -- to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself.

You're still the same old Marty, Your character's totally protected. J, It feels good J,

I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse.

You work for the devil. So what? BOTH: "So what?"

- Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job. Oh, my god!

Oh, that must be where he lives.

Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho! I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it! "Feels Good." It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J, Topped the charts, I think. Ho, ho!

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

Hold on to something.

There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream.

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off,

Clever twist.

Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league. Look at how hot she is, You don't see me going... to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl. Gee, thanks, Brad. I throw balls far. You want good words? Date a languager.

J, This is not a dance J,

May I assist you with that? Uh, sure, yeah. Thanks. Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me."

Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white,

Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat?

Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife.

Are you joking me?

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean?

- Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me?

Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no!

Did you want to play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house!

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,

J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people.

SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer. She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey. Shut up, Jerry. Okay. Dad, what do you know about this? Marty and l are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right? It's incredible. Happy human holiday, Dad.

lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick. Pay them no mind. Those Stair Goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies,

That is su-- -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to --

Alexand--

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

Our village is saved! You are both true heroes! Oh!

one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth?

Yes.

Why don't we proceed in an orderly -- Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.

Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything.

"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!

I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me. Oh! Or don't. Hey! Don't! Please! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god! Now, I know I've said, in the past,

J, Move to the left. Step to the right J,

And that's how I took my storefront into the forefront of the up front. Thank you, Seattle. Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker!

Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me!

J, Cosmos without hatred J,

J, Aware of all the flu up in the air J, J, I'm-a get me a shot, make the flu go away J, J, Flu-hating rapper, just rapping away J, J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight.

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.

Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck! GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise --

Not my cup of tea, this place.

ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology, which, when stomped on, generates electricity, powering our homes and businesses, improving our daily lives, while safely removing the dangerous waste power to a special disposal volcano. But why has Rick returned?

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes!

Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything.

Hey, doc. I got news for you. Your living museum is officially a wild safari! Hepatitis A! Run!

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying,

ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty,

"Morning"? What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor?

All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid? It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well? Oh, no way. That's really nice of you, I'm a nice guy-, for now. Ohh, I don't doubt it, Rick!

Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you?

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

Marty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

Yeah, guess I'm out of fluid. L-Let me find a place to stop. Hey, muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet, or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why?

But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.

Just take these shoes, Marty, They're sp-- special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things -- ba-- these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Marty -- up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together. Aah! You have to turn them on, Marty! The shoes have to be turned on!

All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean?

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy!

Aah! Marty, why? Why? Good bye.

Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god, Can you help us?

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster!

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight! Aaah!!

I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people.

Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe. And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god. Where did you learn to talk, you grandpa-stealing slut?

Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

MAN: It's a good show.

J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J, Ooh! Ooh! OW! "Man vs. Car, " the newest hit show,

Wow, it's the planet's core. JERRY: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us, But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government? Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.