J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Christmas drums J,
Oh, sing it, Summer.
J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J,
Oh, I love to hear you sing. J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J,
The little girl!
Huh? Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place,
and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.
All right. All right. Calm down.
Listen to me, Marty,
I know that new situations can be intimidating.
You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but,
you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. Huh.
l-is -- is something wrong, Beth?
Ow!
Oh, my god!
RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!
Wait, but I --
- Oh, Beth! Why?!
- I need an ambulance!
There's been a shooting. My wife shot...
Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought -- There's ways to get back home, Marty,
It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle.
We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs,
so you're gonna have to do me a real solid.
Uh-oh.
When we get to Customs,
I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Christmas drums J,
Oh, sing it, Summer.
J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J,
Oh, I love to hear you sing. Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.
D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?
I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant.
The rest is annoying garbage.
So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?
Do it! Do it, motherfucker!
Pull the fucking trigger! Ooh, hey!
Ooh, oh!
Oh, man.
- Come and join us.
- I'm sorry. No, no.
Ooh, come here!
No, thanks!
Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby!
No, I'm okay.
Whoa!
Summer?!
Hey, there, stranger. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.
J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J,
J, Wait for you to get it on your own,
X gonna deliver to ya J,
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,
J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J,
J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, Marty, and you're gonna be part ofthem, and together,
we're gonna run around, Marty,
We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Marty,
Just you and me, Marty,
Oh, no, no.
The outside world is our enemy, Marty,
We're the only friends we've got, Marty,
It's just Rick and Marty --
Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty,
Rick and Marty forever and forever.
100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally --
we asked ourselves over here,
"Okay, what does a pancreas do?"
and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?"
No, it makes insulin, you know?
So, we're starting with a new --
Those guys are inside me, huh?
Like, building a park?
Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,
you gotta pump the gas a little.
Pedal to the metal, Marty,
in a world where muscular Mannies are coming, It's called "Ooh let me out!"
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J,
J, Let me out, Let me out J,
J, This is not a dance J,
J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J,
J, Please come let me out J, An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!
Oh, this place is the best.
It's got beer, games, prizes,
and you can never tell what time it is.
You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?!
Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around,
you can make anything sound bad, Marty, It looks to me like the...
Marty?
Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this?
Okay, buddy. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life.
Thank you.
Don't worry about it, Marty,
Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?
Sure thing, Rick.
Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.
The stuff was all over the place, Marty, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Summer, we're trying to sleep.
It was Tinkles! Come on, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that.
Listen, Marty, I hate to break it to you,
but what people call "love"
is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed.
lt hits hard, Marty, then it slowly fades,
leaving you stranded in a failing marriage.
I did it, Your parents are gonna do it,
Break the cycle, Marty,
Rise above. Focus on science. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth?
Ow!
Oh, my god!
RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!
Wait, but I --
- Oh, Beth! Why?!
- I need an ambulance!
There's been a shooting. My wife shot...
Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought --
Keep breathing!
- Oh, god, What's happening?
- Look at me! Hey, Tammy was cool!
And now we know why.
Because of you!
Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government,
and fuck me for letting my guard down,
which Iwill never do again.
Geez, Rick!
You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.
ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.
Actually, the wedding was beautiful. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly.
Still here, still selling fake doors.
M O RTY: What?
Oh, my god, It's still the commercial.
We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe.
What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.
Call as up and order some fake doors today.
Don’t even hesitate, don't even worry,
and don't even --
All right, I'm bored. Change it,
Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,
Did you get any of that?
It's a good-a show! and spirit, sa ve me.
Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,
you gotta pump the gas a little.
Pedal to the metal, Marty, and I need them to help me with my research, Marty,
Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place,
and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.
All right. All right. Calm down.
Listen to me, Marty,
I know that new situations can be intimidating.
You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but,
you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.
I'm no stranger to scary situations. No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.
Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-yearjump.
You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick.
Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch.
Thank you, Marty,
You are not like other carbon-based life-forms.
You put the value of all life above your own,
It's how things should be. Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable.
You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty,
Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
In my butt?
Come on, Morty.
Please, Marty, Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael.
i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this.
i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that,
Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!
Oh, my god! Siamese twins!
They're -- They're Siamese twins!
You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news.
Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?
Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen?
He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name.
Hey, flip back to the news. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know,
is that you crapped your pants.
I mean, it's a mess out there.
I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.
Aw, man, geez! You gotta accept your part ofthe blame!
I'm not the one who fouled up the serum!
I'm not the one who -- who -- who --
who haphazardly, you know,
mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!
You gotta fix this, Rick!
All right, all right, Marty,
You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here,
but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.
Here we are, Cronenberg Marty --
a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.
We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,
It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,
Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,
but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news.
Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?
Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen?
He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name.
Hey, flip back to the news.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could tell our parents started with naming with him.
it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, ..
before they even got pregnant, i bet,
I don't want to be that girl, J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, I feel it all in my soul J,
J, It feels good J,
Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.
Never expected that out of you.
All right, uh, let's go find my ship. C-can we please?
This is my grandson, Marty,
Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael.
I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa.
Here. Go away.
Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly.
So, this shoots antimatter?
My target can't be killed with regular matter.
Nice to meet you, Marty,
Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered,
please give me a call.
I'm very discreet.
You're g-giving him a card?! Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.
J, It feels good J,
Yeah, bitch, what's up?
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
Whoa! Here we go!
J, Summer and Tinkles J,
J, Friends with each other J,
J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J,
J, No kitchen sinkles J,
J, No little brother J,
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, Now give me my fucking enchiladas.
Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?
Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.
No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.
In this reality, he's still alive.
Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters,"
which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.
But then, when they made the movie, Now let's just see what we got here for a second.
Goddamn it,
Were you trying to use this to --
Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this?
How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it,
you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?
Oh, way to go, Rick.
Yeah, Grandpa, way to go.
What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name.
Hey, flip back to the news.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could tell our parents started with naming with him.
it’s like, la/r, Michael, " They had that one planned, ..
before they even got pregnant, i bet,
I don't want to be that girl,
but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.
Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. When we get to Customs,
I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom,
and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine. J, Wait for you to get it on your own,
X gonna deliver to ya J,
J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,
J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J,
J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,
J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,
J, Damn right, and I'll do it again,
'cause I am nice so I gots to win J,
J, Break bread with the enemy J, Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped.
Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped --
A bad song's a bad song,
Well, do you think, maybe --
Could you give me some help with it, or...?
Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
You know what I'm saying? J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Oh, man. Okay. All right, um...
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, You gotta get schwifty J,
J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,
J, It's time to get schwifty J, - or Garfield, I mean.
- That's pretty cool, Rick.
So all that happened in this reality, too?
I don't know.
Just making conversation with you, Marty,
What, you think I'm a -- I'm --
I know everything about everything?
Did you really talk me out of the abortion?
Well, we -- we blew a tire on the way to the clinic,
I think, in my head, Iwas doing it all for the kids. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.
And then they found out i was attached,
along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit,
Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "
Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick?
l'm freaking out!
Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
No, I can't deal with this!
Calm yourself, Morty.
I can't deal with this, Rick!
- Calm down, Morty.
- This can't be real!
- You gotta calm down, Marty,
- W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart!
Shut up and listen to me!
It's fine. Everything is fine.
There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, What does it look like?
T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus.
It's gone airborne, Marty,
Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?
It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax.
lwhipped up an antidote.
It's based on praying-mantis DNA.
You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles.
I mean, they -- they mate once,
and then they, you know, decapitate the partner.
I mean, it's a whole ritual. J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
That's the end, motherfucker!
"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!
Fuck you! because, you know, once I pull this lever,
it's all back to normal.
Just do it already.
Well, technically, Marty, there's no rush.
I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done.
lt's fixed. You know, we could --
we could just enjoy it for a little bit.
I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is,
I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this?
I mean, soak it in, you know?
lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. Man, I can't believe you, Rick.
That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know?
To connect with me a little.
Hey, Marty, you want connection,
go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks.
You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick.
And, you know, it would g--
go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty, ALL: Hello, Rick.
Long time no see.
U nity?
Rick?
Grandpa?
Oh, boy, Uh...
these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty,
Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity.
We sort of used to, uh. ..date. Okay.
Well, I can't cure death.
This is bad, Marty,
You're trapped in a dead man.
Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,
do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.
It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas.
We don't whitewash it, either, Marty, Aw, crap.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, Rick!
Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos.
Do you have the weapon?
C-can we please?
This is my grandson, Marty,
Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael.
I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa.
Here. Go away.
Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly.
So, this shoots antimatter? Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God!
In your face!
One dot, motherfucker!
Yes! Oh, yes! Yes, I did it! There is no God!
In your face!
One dot, motherfucker!
Yes! Oh, yes!
All right, you know what I'm talking about.
- Oh, that was a close call.
- Oh, yeah!
I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty,
- Oh, yeah, do it.
- Check me out.
I'm doing the Cabbage Patch.
- Do it right.
- I'm doing it, too.
- Do the cabbage patch.
- It's a classic dance.
- Do it, Do the dance.
- Oh shit look at that. Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.
And then they found out i was attached,
along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit,
Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei "
Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this?
Okay, buddy.
All right. That's good. Good job.
Time to go home. at being my Dad, Dad.
Quit while you're ahead.
And also, knock next time, you know?
I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 --
I got a computer in here, you know?
Oh, I -- I think I understand.
You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man.
I get it. Say no more.
I mean, one ofthese days,
you know, you're gonna end up seeing something.
I got it! Noted. Good night. This is for you, Daddy.
Oh, man!
Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr,
I've got to tell you something very important, okay?
Killing is bad -- bad!
You're silly, Daddy.
No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay?
You need to put your energy into something else. JERRY: Oh, my god. Na, Na,
- I told you.
- Hold on.
not marry me F i chose Veronica.
- What?!
- Yes!
- Hold it,
- Why would he chose Veronica?
Because he loves her?
Well, if it's any consolation, Summer,
none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid.
Okay, I've got an idea, Rick.
You show us your concept of good TV, All right, everybody, party is officially over!
Rick, take us home now.
All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!
Boo, boo! Marty sucks!
Baal, You suck, whatever your name is.
RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,
But these gears just started turnin'.
LUCY: Almost finished, Jerry? Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,
and dog time is one-seventh human time.
So, you know, every day here is like a minute.
It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid,
then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way.
You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live?
Then open the blast shield doors.
Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.
You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,
You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Oh, oh, oh, really?
Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty!
- Oh -- oh, yeah?
- Yeah! Marty?
Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this? Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier,
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Hey, Rick, " --
You get the idea.
W-we're cool now.
Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate.
Fine. I'll just do it myself.
If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty,
And they'll fall right out of mine.
I've done this too many times, Marty,
I mean, you're young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you, When I drop the bomb, I don't --
You know, I want you to have somebody,
you know -- I want you to have the thing --
I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve,
and you're gonna be Adam.
And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty,
No, you can't!
J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.
But -- but -- but forget about that,
because you can't blow up humanity.
l-l get what you're trying to say, M-Morty. "I don't give a fuck!"
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J,
J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,
Roll credits!
J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go!
J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!
That's the end, motherfucker!
"I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!
Fuck you! Oh, I bet you do, old timer.
Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting.
W-We got to get out of here.
All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid?
It's on the house. Oh, and, uh,
why -- Why don't you have some candy bars, as well?
Oh, no way. That's really nice of you,
I'm a nice guy-, for now.
Ohh, I don't doubt it,
Rick! Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped.
Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped --
A bad song's a bad song,
Well, do you think, maybe --
Could you give me some help with it, or...?
Aw, hell no, man.
You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.
You know what I'm saying? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J,
Are you kidding me? This again?
Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Oh, geez, Rick.
W-w-whoa, this isn't good.
Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!
Ohhhh!
Holy crap, Marty,
He can travel through dreams.
He can travel through dreams!
We're so screwed! Wow !
A whole world populated by intelligent dogs.
I wonderwhat it'll be like, Rick.
I think it will be great, Marty,
You know, it's g--i-i-i-i-it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages.
I mean, I'd watch it, Marty, for at least ll minutes a pop,
You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven.
You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick. Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought --
Keep breathing!
- Oh, god, What's happening?
- Look at me!
Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!
ls -- is this what bleeding to death is?
Oh, whee. Is this how I die?
Oh, geez! Oh, my god!
Why would you do this? Beth.
It's not supposed to hurt.
undefined l-l thought... Yeah, bitch, what's up?
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
Whoa!
J, Ohh, it feels good J,
Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney,
P It feels good, yeah ' JERRY: I'm just saying,
we keep acting like there's only two options,
but there's not.
So, yes, if we went back to Earth,
as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us,
But, and this is purely hypothetical,
what if we turned your father in to the government?
Jerry, so help me god,
if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.
There already is no more bacon! Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.
Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,
you gotta pump the gas a little.
Pedal to the metal, Marty, All right, Marty, here we are.
Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?!
W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick?
l'm freaking out!
Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
No, I can't deal with this!
Calm yourself, Morty.
I can't deal with this, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.
Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, check the engine room,
Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water.
It's all here, Rick!
Wow, Marty, Lucky break.
Grab that bucket.
Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium.
Okay. Uh-huh. Read 'em and weep, fellas!
ALL: Aw!
Oh, hey, Morty.
Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure.
l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty,
It's not so bad.
Let's just go home, okay?
I'm calling it.
The adventure's over.
We can't leave now, Marty, I'm on fire!
Look, I want to leave now.
You win the bet, okay?
Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. It's been six hours.
Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,
and dog time is one-seventh human time.
So, you know, every day here is like a minute.
It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid,
then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty,
- We gotta escape.
- I'm not gonna help you, Rick.
Y-You're a monster.
Don't be rick-diculous, Marty,
Will you stop saying that? It's stupid.
Take his Marty away.
Come with me.
Yeah, gladly.
Geez, man. Ricks, huh?
Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works. J, Say it with me J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Raised up posterior J,
J, Oh, yeah J,
J, Head bent over J,
J, Yeah, raised up posterior J,
Sing it with me now!
Oh, my go--
J, Head bent over J,
Yeah.
J, Raised up posterior J,
All right! Wait, what?! Vampires are real?!
Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew?
Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now,
Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe.
Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?
Well, what are we going to do?!
We're gonna live our lives until we die.
Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you.
Hey, speak for yourself, because it
sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover.
GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Jacob is your mother's lover.
I watch them --
Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet,
almost always dressed as Superman. Hey! Don't! Please!
Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god!
Now, I know I've said, in the past,
that math is important -- And it is! --
But I also thinkthat, one day, you'll all look back on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Marty,
who I hear had a great party last night. J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J,
J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,
J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,
Did you get any of that? J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J,
J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J,
J, Go hard, getting busy with it J,
J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,
J, Damn right, and I'll do it again,
'cause I am nice so I gots to win J,
J, Break bread with the enemy J,
J, But no matter how many cats I break bread with,
l'll break who you -- J, - Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.
Yeah, you're still doing it.
It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up,
Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it.
Pretty simple, right?
I need food.
Who's got food for that guy?
I do, but this is for me. Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch!
Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.
Yes, I did it! There is no God!
In your face!
One dot, motherfucker!
Yes! Oh, yes! Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker!
Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J,
Arthrisha, what do you got?
Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good '
Oh, ho!
I don't know what song that is, but I fucking love it!
"Feels Good."
It's a fucking hit song,
J, It feels good J, That's right, Marty, This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna maybe make sense.
"Inception" made sense.
You don't have to try to impress me, Marty,
Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher,
Mr. Goldenfold, and we're g-- we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Marty,
That way you can, you know --
y-you're gonna help me with my science, Marty, all the time.
Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, J, Take off your pants and your panties J,
J, Shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J,
J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,
"Mr. Bulldops"?
Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working!
J, Take a shit on the floor J,
J, Time to get schwifty in here J, Oh, thank God, Morty.
Oh, you're welcome.
All right, let's get out of here.
lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We're not going anywhere.
This is my house.
I'm not abandoning it,
It's all over, Jerry.
The dogs are on a path to total world domination.
But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Oh, for crying out --
he's got some kind of disability or something.
Is that what you want us to say?
I do?
Well, duh day, son.
Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world,
you got to work twice as hard.
Aw, geez, Dad.
Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Your idiot dog!
Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.
D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? Fun facts about this one --
It's got giant, telepathic spiders,
119/11s,
and the best ice cream in the multiverse!
Shut up!
Whoa!
We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker!
Oh, great.
Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick?
Is it the quantum carburetor or something?
"Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty, J, Summer and Tinkles J,
J, Friends with each other J,
J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J,
J, No kitchen sinkles J,
J, No little brother J,
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world,
you got to work twice as hard.
Aw, geez, Dad.
Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.
Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi,
Oh, come on, Rick.
You know I can't.
The square root of Pi, Marty -- go. but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.
I took it okay the first time,
and now you're just repeating stuff.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't.
Yeah, you're still doing it.
It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, two guys with handlebar mustaches,
a man painted silver who makes robot noises,
Gar Ma Nar Nar,
three, um, um, um...
i ll get back to that one,
a hole in the wall where the men can see it all,
and, returning for his 25th consecutive year, This is bad, Marty,
You're trapped in a dead man.
Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,
do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas.
Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.
It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas.
We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,
I mean, the pirates are really rapey.
The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, So, what do you do during the festival?
You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff?
Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.
Oh, I bet you do, old timer.
Gee-- Rick, come on. The sun is setting.
W-We got to get out of here.
All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid?
It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie.
Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter?
Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention.
To a conversation about vampires?!
Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires,
because I wasn't paying attention,
which you would know,
if you ever paid attention to me!
Oh, here we go, right to the victim role,
Am I a victim, Beth, All right. All right. Calm down.
Listen to me, Marty,
I know that new situations can be intimidating.
You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but,
you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.
I'm no stranger to scary situations.
I deal with them all the time.
Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --
Holy crap, Marty, run! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.
Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, check the engine room,
Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126?
Uh, I'm not sure. Marty,
Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket.
- What?!
- Way to go, Marty,
Eh, whatever.
- Uh, w-wait. What?
- Uh, w-wait. What?
Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry. you better hurry up, Now's your last chance.
Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could --
Uh, l have a boyfriend.
Okay.
I'm not trying to be rude.
I just -- I don't want to lead you on.
l-l-l understand.
I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival,
but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust --
Okay, okay, you can stop saying it.
I took it okay the first time, J, Oh, yeah J,
J, You gotta get schwifty J,
J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,
J, It's time to get schwifty J,
Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?
lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what.
J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Goes away in the end J,
J, You could have it all J,
- He's not coming back, is he?
- MORTY: No.
J, My empire of dirt J,
Hey, look, cops, D-did you, Snuffles?
You're a good boy,
Don't praise him now, Marty!
He just peed on the carpet!
Bad dog! Bad!
Marty, come on.
I need your help tonight.
Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.
You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?
I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry.
If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. It looks to me like the...
Marty?
Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.
Listen, lthinkthe three of us could just,
you know, have a nice time, like, just hanging out,
and, you know, doing a little bonding and --
Screw that. This is my chance...
to gain some footing with the cool kids.
That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17.
Why do you party?
To get ...
wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! What?
Hey, little buddy.
H-h-how you doing in here right now?
Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?
Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty,
Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty,
Oh, boy,
You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty.
You're my little friend, aren't you?
We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,
In my butt?
Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Oh, geez, Rick.
I really don't want to have to do that.
Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty,
Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, Wow, it's the planet's core.
JERRY: I'm just saying,
we keep acting like there's only two options,
but there's not.
So, yes, if we went back to Earth,
as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us,
But, and this is purely hypothetical,
what if we turned your father in to the government?
Jerry, so help me god,
if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.
Don't judge, Marty,
Okay.
All right, well...
Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there.
I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up,
Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea.
Listen to me. J, His name is Scary Terry J,
J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
J, "E," "F" J,
J, He'll design your death J, Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap!
Get out! Get out!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get the fuck out of the flying machine!
Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay!
Back up, asshole.
Back up,
Ohh.
Back the fuck up!
Aah! It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid,
then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Aw, man.
I really liked this life.
Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty,
You're sleeping in your crap right now.
Out of all the things that happened to you,
that was the only real thing that, you know,
is that you crapped your pants.
I mean, it's a mess out there. Have you been drinking, Rick?
I really appreciate you, Marty,
O-okay, cool.
A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch!
Y-y -- are you a simulation?!
Huh?! Are you a simulation?!
No! No! No!
You little son of a bitch!
I-I-I'm sorry, Marty,
Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty,
Geez!
Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.
Oh, my god! my interdimensional portal device --
it's got no charge left, Marty,
It's got no charge left.
What?!
It's as good as garbage, Marty,
It's not gonna work anymore, Marty,
Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good.
W-what are we gonna do?
l-l have to be back at school right now.
How are we gonna get back home?
There's ways to get back home, Marty,
It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle.
We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, Be better than me.
Oh shit! The other collar!
I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad,
Oh, lord, hear my prayers.
Yes! Fuck you, God!
Not today, bitch! So, uh, you know, when the purge started,
did people get into it right away,
or were they like, "Wait, what?
This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?"
Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it.
Yeah, I bet. I bet.
Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?
At first, everyone was like,
"look at those douchebags purging."
And then the next thing you know, No.
Yes.
So, uh, you know, when the purge started,
did people get into it right away,
or were they like, "Wait, what?
This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?"
Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it.
Yeah, I bet. I bet.
Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! That's true. That's right.
Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.
Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield,
Boy fuck you, John,
you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh?
You dumb, stupid, weak,
pathetic, white, white, did people get into it right away,
or were they like, "Wait, what?
This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?"
Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it.
Yeah, I bet. I bet.
Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?
At first, everyone was like,
"look at those douchebags purging."
And then the next thing you know,
they're like, "it's just so convenient." J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
J, It feels good J,
Whoa!
J, Ohh, it feels good J,
Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney,
P It feels good, yeah '
Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said,
"go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"?
Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like,
"Whoa, this is unexpected.
This is not what I was expecting, Marty,
What a perplexing mystery this is."
All right, all right, we're inside the battery.
I get it, You don't have to bust my balls.
Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... Ohh, man.
Oh, geez! Ohh.
I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer.
In reality, you're as dumb as they come.
And I needed those seeds real bad,
and I had to give them upjust to get your parents off my back,
so now we're gonna have to go get more.
And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that,
Marty,
And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Marty, I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done.
lt's fixed. You know, we could --
we could just enjoy it for a little bit.
I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is,
I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this?
I mean, soak it in, you know?
lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting.
That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,
Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad.
There's something special about you, Marty --
so special.
Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him!
Back off! I'm trying to be with my man!
That's enough, Bradley!
We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?
I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty,
Be better than me.
Oh shit! The other collar!
I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this!
Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live.
Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing.
Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves --
scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.
All right, okay, y-you know,
ifthis was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid.
Hey, Rick, w-w-w-w-w-what do you know?
Look down there.
Looks like some kind of tavern or something built right into the side ofthe step. The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry.
They won't be able to help themselves.
But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us,
Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls.
Anything else?
Yeah, more phone sticks, please.
Right away, sir.
You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys,
I thought, "gee, that kind of devalues our bond." Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?
Yeah! You know, I mean...
it's different from the stuff on Earth,
and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy,
and, you know, I don't really have anything to --
to remember all those trips by,
It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir.
You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!
Oh, my god! Siamese twins!
They're -- They're Siamese twins!
You quit tugging, i-i’m in the middle of my news.
Oh, oh, " always about you, isn 't it?
Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen?
He's got his own news show, He's got a normal name.
Hey, flip back to the news.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could tell our parents started with naming with him. You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details.
Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.
MORTY: I don't know, Rick.
I mean, I've seen people do that before.
RICK: Well, look at that old lady.
She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.
Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.
Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty!
She's an idiot!
All right, all right, there.
W-what about that, Marty? J, I wish that we can go back to that time J,
J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J,
Holy crap, Marty, you're right.
ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?
Well, yeah, duh-doy. and a month from now,
I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs!
Unity! Unity!
Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here.
BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged.
Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.
Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie.
We are, Marty,
All right, Beta shit Seven,
you just got saved by the bell, bitch! Whoa. What's up, man?
l have no quarrel with you, boy,
"Boy"? What's that supposed to mean?
It's just -- l-look,
l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but...
Don't look at me, dude.
Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so --
So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?!
Well, no, but...
You know?
What do I know? There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they --
they -- they -- they all wanted time with me.
I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies,
but I spent so much time there,
my interdimensional portal device --
it's got no charge left, Marty,
It's got no charge left.
What?!
It's as good as garbage, Marty,
It's not gonna work anymore, Marty,
Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good.
W-what are we gonna do?
l-l have to be back at school right now. I don't know.
Look, maybe the shrink was right.
Good luck.
All right, now, you listen to me.
Oh! Or don't.
Hey! Don't! Please!
Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god!
Now, I know I've said, in the past, Don't fall for it, It's a bit.
Just kidding! Ha, ha!
You fast got Ricleyd.
You’ve reached Ricks voicemail,
You know what to do. f beep ]
Hey, Rick. lt's Rick.
Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.
I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy.
Whoa, damn! Look at this.
l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails.
Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,
Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!
You gotta fix this, Rick!
All right, all right, Marty,
You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here,
but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal,
relatively speaking.
Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting. You really dropped the ball, man.
Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd!
You shut up, you big female asshole!
Hey, don't shove me!
- I didn't!
- You didn't what?
- What's your problem?
- What's yours?
- Shut up!
- You shut up!
Wh-whoa, whoa!
What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?
Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?
- What did who do?
- What do you mean? Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head.
J, Let me out J,
J, What you see is not the same person as me J,
J, My life's a lie J,
J, I'm not who you're looking at J,
J, Let me out, set me free J,
J, I'm really old; this isn't me J,
J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J, Ow!
Oh, my god!
RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck!
Wait, but I --
- Oh, Beth! Why?!
- I need an ambulance!
There's been a shooting. My wife shot...
Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Why?
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
l-l thought --
Keep breathing!
- Oh, god, What's happening?
- Look at me!
Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep! He recognizes the other dogs on TV,
J, His name is Scary Terry J,
J, He's very scary J,
Holy crap!
We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, No little brother J,
J, Going to raves and waving our hands J,
J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,
J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,
J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J,
J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J,
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Summer, we're trying to sleep.
It was Tinkles! This isn't "Game of Thrones."
Ow!
All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.
Are you happy now, Marty?
Heck, yeah!
Thank you, Grandpa Rick.
Hey, there's no... dangers or anything,
or side effects, right?
W-W-W-What am l, a hack? T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship.
Hey, Rick.
Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh?
Oh, yes, Morty.
l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it?
Yeah, you know?
There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is,
Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah.
Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing.
Wha-- convincing? J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J,
J, Christmas drums J,
Oh, sing it, Summer.
J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J,
Oh, I love to hear you sing. J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J,
J, It's a flu-hating rap J,
Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie!
Oh, my god, Morty.
You look really nice tonight.
Wow, thanks.
I love you, Marty!
I love you so much it burns! And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks,
I will bring you other great alien advancements.
Hey, lemme ask you something.
Yes?
Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new?
All of them. That's their job.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise.
Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box?
How do you know about that? It's top secret. Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
Mantises are the opposite of voles?
I mean, obviously, DNA's more complicated than that.
You know what, though, Marty?
This right here's gonna do the trick, baby.
lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee,
cactus, shark, golden retriever,
and just a smidge of dinosaur.
Should add up to normal humanity.
I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.
The stuff was all over the place, Marty,
Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.
There's just one problem, Marty --
one little hang-up.
The dimension I visited was so advanced,
they had also halted the aging process,
and everyone there was young, Marty, Marty?
Suck my dick!
P It feels good '
Eat this!
Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...
- Ha-Ha! Ha!
- J, It feels good J,
You're really going for it over there, huh?
l, uh ... I think, uh ...
I think those people were just hiding.
I don't give a shit!
Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses.
How do you like this?
Okay, buddy.
All right. That's good. Good job. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing.
You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand.
You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know?
She's a real --
You got to hang on tight, you know?
Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard.
Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these?
They're soaked with my stomach acid,
Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior,
and spirit, sa ve me.
Take me to the light.
Oh, my god, i see demons.
i see demons are coming!
Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,
That's some pretty hard-core stuff,
you know, for a cereal commercial.