Okay, it was about 754 years ago-, Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed!

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka!

Did you get any of that?

You can -- we got Chabos and Flobos, and you can shoot thingsl Get over here! Play the games! Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets! "Ro y 2"just got here. Get over here at Jitz and Chitz! It's the coolest place in the world, Uh, I get to be in the commercial!

You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. Uh-oh, Marty, This crowd looks too small for one of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick.

Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born.

I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison...

I just gotta -- combine it with your DNA. Oh, well, okay. A hair, Marty, I need one of your hairs. This isn't "Game of Thrones." Ow!

I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying.

Whoa! Look at you!

God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose.

You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

with weapons made from t-tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business in "Alien in vasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who are Just Regular Brothers,

Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here. Rick, our alien friend. Uh, Mr. President, um, couldn't help but notice that you were having problems generating power. That's correct. We've evolved.

E, Coli outbreak. Hurry!

We just have regular nipples. Hey, these two freaks have no race! Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well... I'll see you after school.

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J,

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh!

Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough. Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch!

And what do you do then? its two brothers and -- and they're gonna -- it’s called "Two Brothers. " "Two Brothers. " f laughing f 1'sjust called "Two Brothers. "

Oh, shit. We got tiny people,

Well, your mother and I are gonna be spending some time apart, Marty, And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy. - What? - Speaking of what, Marty, what should we watch next? What about this? Babylegs, you’re a good detective. But not good enough, because of your baby legs. So l’m partnering you up with Regularlegs.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m-- All right, let's go.

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

Alexand--

l have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.

get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty, Rick? You're not leaving, right? Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. So, you're coming back? Marty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back,

Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together. Get back! Wait, for real?

Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

You quit school, but you still got some learning to do. Aah! Unh!

Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!

You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it. J, It feels good J, Yeah, bitch, what's up? J, It feels good J,

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

RICK: Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday! JERRY: Oh! Jerk. Don't insult my father. He's the reason our kids are only half-stupid. Ha! You just called yourself -- Oh, - Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes. I'm Glaxo Slimslom. Welcome to Nuptia Four. Your marriage can rest easy now.

No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.

Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate. Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Marty, His marriage is hanging from a thread. My marriage is fine, thank you.

Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty, for them to work. Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know? The quality of your top. - Do you love it? - I love it. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk. lfthe Gazorpian is male, your Earth is in grave danger. We will give you passage back home so it can be terminated.

[processing, powering up f - Rick! - Pants! Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants!

We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

Jesus.

Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone. This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We’re what's left? What a family. At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!

What's that, Marty? I think you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!

But let's make it interesting, Marty, l-l-l-lf your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good,

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me.

Oh shit.

lt's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity. I don't -- that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Marty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry -- a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?

Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?!

Don't break an arm jerking yourself off.

I love you. [processing, powering up f

Now she's a marine biologist. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice.

And her husband, sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend. Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter.

I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times.

Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie,

Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars.

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out. Wait. What? Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison?

No. Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together.

He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you?

Hello, Summer. Hello, Marty, It's okay. You're safe now. Unity? - Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing. Oh, Summer, you did nothing wrong.

Yeah. Think before you talk shit.

You don't care about me at all! I'm no different than that jacket you've got on! Y-Y-Y-- o-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! l-l-l'm just an object! Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Marty, Now, for the love of god, be quiet.

That's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck"! So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out.

You really don't want to talk to me about this. Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what?

This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas?

What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery.

Jesus. But -- But... here's the thing. Birdperson is my best friend,

This is my house.

just like you 're back home. - Dad! - Dad! What happened? Where am l? Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times. 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.

Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.

Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Eat this! Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job.

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Hey, Rick, " -- You get the idea. W-we're cool now. Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me.

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave. That is a hatch. Your father put a hatch in my garage. You don't know it was him. Anyway, we're not supposed to be in here. Obviously, neither is whatever's gurgling down there.

Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits! ...where the food is tiny. It looks like regular food, but really tiny. You can put it in your mouth and eat it. Nothing gets stuck in your lips. It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie.

Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities,

Understood.

Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

No! Don't flashback!

That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom!

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

I, um -- Jerry and I were looking for our weed whacker and found your subterranean lair and your alien prisoner,

uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

This -- this guy --

Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!

May I assist you with that? Uh, sure, yeah. Thanks. Marty, do you know what "wubba Iubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me."

We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?! Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth. Aw, man, geez! Seriously? Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Marty, Here, here take these, Marty,

Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves,

MORTY: I gotta tell you, Rick. It's pretty great... to be in this spaceship, just the two of us, you know? Just cruising around, Rick and Marty style. I agree, Marty, It's nice to get back to the basics after a pretty intense, mixed-bag of a year. - Ohh! - Relax. That's what windshields are for. I didn't know that there were bugs out in space.

I'm gonna miss you, Snowball. You can call me Snuffles, Marty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.

I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up, I want the police to take me! Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive. Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo Music"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did the voice ofthat one guy from "Ghostbusters," which is really strange because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.

That means I own them.

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff,

Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it! Oh, of course. You never want to talk about it, Get off my back, bitch! Out there. Not in here. Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow!

We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMahan in Los Angeles. We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet,

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

Marty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay! What are you gonna do -- ground me? I can't go outside anyway! So what?! You could do things inside! You could play guitar. You could masturbate. I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?!

Holy shit!

It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it? I'll be in the garage.

Marty, take the wheel!

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now,

RICK: Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what ifthe most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity? You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.

You did it, Beth. You really nailed it, You're a surgeon -- a human surgeon. Yay, you win.

"Fuck You."

Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

You may already be learning something important -- All ofthese relationships are different, none ofthem are real, and none ofthem work.

ANNOUNCER: Ina world where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents,

Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan?

"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story, to find Jacey Lakims, 28 -- hot, but doesn't know it. Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black.

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

Time to go home.

You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me,

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please. High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!!

Even dumber than regular planning. Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty, because if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty. Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up!

And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am.

Oh, there's no place like home. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer? From Dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes. All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee! I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

Thank you. Dad, I need a ride to work. Maybe Rick can give you a ride. Wm helping Morty with science. I'm busy. Doing what? Uh, anything else. What is my purpose? You pass butter.

I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough. You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty, don't -- don't -- don't be like that. The Universe is a crazy, chaotic place. You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun.

You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid. Oh, my god! W-W-What the hell? What a life.

Are -- are -- are you people even human?

Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

Son of a,,,

Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J,

That guy got it.

See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

U nity?

I am drawing a line, okay?

The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters. How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine. Help! There is no escape, my son.

I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life, you got to stop listening to yourself. Wow, You really are wise, Jerry. l-l-l guess that's why you work in advertising. The fact that you feel that way makes you the best Rick ofthem all.

He's been living here almost a year now. Are you losing your mind? Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing racks, Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." undefined That is an alien parasite.

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids? I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it. Extra food?

Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right?

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer!

Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut? What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah! Come on out, Jerry!

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us,

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad!

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves! What -- what am I eating? Wh-what is this, bird-- birdseed? It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick,

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

Bab ylegs, don't talk back to me.

Where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three. Am I right? Are you guys Power Rangers, but only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Cleanup in the fruit aisle. Not in a homophobic way, though. They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"!

Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

People like Rick are making me obsolete. I mean, seriously. I may be "the devil," but your grandpa is the devil. I just want to go back to hell, where everyone thinks I'm smart and funny. No! It's not fair. Everyone in this town got something they wanted from you -- even Rick.

'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez! I just gotta go to the bathroom. Damn. Oh, Okay, good. This is gonna be fun.

Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty,

I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp,

Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit! Things just keep on getting better.

No, you didn't. Oh, jiggle it now,

I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us, Look at that thing right there. W-what the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind ofthing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. lt defies all logic -- that thing. Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind ofthe reason why I want to leave. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Marty, you see this?

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

D-i-i-i-i-ie!

Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.

We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy and you caused another time fracture. You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense. Myself tried to kill me first. Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it, Well, actually, I do expect you to understand that.

Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5, Aah!

Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me. I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving.

Oh, fuck it. l’m the killer. l’m running, l’m running real quick, Babylegs, here we goi [ trifling f That's the sound i make when l’m trying to run fast.

we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

Good work, Morty. You know, th-th-these demonic alien spirits are really valuable. You okay, Marty? I told you not to trust that tuna. ljust killed my family! I don't care what they were. I don't know, Marty, Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough.

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.

ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god!

Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb! Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back!

f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me. Oat, Sorry. Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing? Not sure.

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa.

Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?! That was my daughter's pediatrician! Aah!

"The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart! But -- I told the both of you -- school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life.

Aah! Don't think about it!

What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

Aah!

My man!

He recognizes the other dogs on TV, J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!

Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm.

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God!

These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score, You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted. Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty,

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power.

What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole.

You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy? No, just ignore them. Ignore them. Such an asshole. RICK: Look, I'm sorry, Summer. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. Iwish I could have been a better Grandpa to you, and, you know, for what it's worth,

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game?

You know, so we can take them wis-- With u-- with us if we lose? That's planning for failure, Marty, Even dumber than regular planning. Balls. Marty, Marty, stop. Listen. There's only so much charge left in this thing. lfwe portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off world, - Get it? - What?! Yeah. You see? I try to shelter you from certain realities Morty,

l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

It's raining blood!

Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal. l'm comfortable being called a Nazi.

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you. My god's the biggest dick that's never existed.

Hey, what's up, Squanchy? Hey, Squanchy. Marty, Summer! And you must be Beth. Mwah! Ensquanche! Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, like the Smurfthing? Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Oh, Okay.

See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works?

You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,

You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles!

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time.

It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end.

...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now. This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness, so we are forced to improvise. We placed a large boulder on that ledge. Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?!

Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened, but l-l don't get why I would do that. Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese?

lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit.

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame.

How?

Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do -- I had to -- I had to -- I had to make a bomb, Marty, I had to create a bomb. What?! A bomb?! We're gonna drop it down there -- Just get a whole fresh start, Marty, Create a whole fresh start. T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good.

Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand.

Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12. Okay. You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one.

There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. Uh-oh. When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou!

Eating that motherfucking ice cream! Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit! It's me. I've convinced the people ofthis planet that I'm a traveler from anotherworld. You don't think that's over- ... doing it a little? I mean, you can achieve the same effect with a pair of -- Never mind. You know what? I shouldn't be so critical. I'm an alien.

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

Oh! Rick!

SUMMER: Dumb. Ooh, boy, what a waste oftime.

It's still alive. Well, do we -- do I, uh, get, uh, a big rock, or...? It's not an armadillo, asshole. I thought that's what a man's supposed to say. It's not like I could've actually done it, lfwe were near a hospital, I could treat it, but I -- I think we have tojust... It's okay. This is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do?

Well, does it defraculate? Fuck no. Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator. Like you would even know dick about fraculation!

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures.

Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff. - Beth... - What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know -- ...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath. What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft...

For real?

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done,

...not a planet. Ow! It's not a planet. Hey! It's not a planet! I'm an idiot, and I love my son.

J, You could have it all J, - He's not coming back, is he? - MORTY: No. J, My empire of dirt J, Hey, look, cops,

Was it all a dream? No, you were shot like 50 times.

the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?

It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel. I actually got that on another planet. So it is an alien towel to me. - Good luck. - Thanks.

Ah, then perhaps you could make use ofthis. This microscope reveals things beyondcomprehension.

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

school is stupid. It's not how you learn things.

ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work, like building a homeless shelter -- nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of. Then I obviously sortoflove you, don't I?

What the fuck is going on?

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J,

You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, It's still raining up here J,

Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do!

Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV,

mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4!

W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick?

You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy. Oh, I also learned this... Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.

How are we gonna get back home?

It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all ofthe fleeb juice. Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the fleeb. There's several hizards in the way. The blamfs rub against the chumbles.

Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites. You sure about that, Rick? Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number. All right, there's six of us, And that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.

ALIEN: So, Itold him, "Give me the Blimfarx," you know? This -- this guy -- he doesn't understand interstellar currency. It's, like, I'm trying to eat a Flimflam -- like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk. The glarp zone is for fiarping and ungiarping only, I don't like it here, Marty, I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do.

I'm a parasite! Yeah, but you're real. Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy Gary. Me, too. RICK: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space.

- Fuck You. - What did you say to me?! "Fuck You." Y-You told me it means "much obliged." Oh, Right. Uh, b-blow me. No, no, no. Blow me.

I'm starving.

i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time.

To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this.

Boo!

they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?

Oh, WOW, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. A-all kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? lt's whimsical andfun. What are you looking at, motherfucker? Easy, Rick.

I always could count on you.

There you are, Marty,

That's you. That's how you taik Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific? Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something.

And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

Hey oh -- Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'. Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer. He knows my name! Why wouldn't he? You're great! But, listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, not even the dreamboats. Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids!

for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Yes. Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it -- "Hungry For Apples" is just a rip-off of "Got Milk?"

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh! I'm gonna get an "F" in class, Rick.

J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the...

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

you're no better than the men whose farts shall remain unspoken. And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute. Very well. Give the Earth people a spacecraft so they may head back to theirweird planet, where women are kind of equal but not really. Good job, Summer, and thanks, girls.

Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! No! No! No! You little son of a bitch! I-I-I'm sorry, Marty, Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid, Marty, Geez! Y-you're a good -- you're a good kid.

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

Slurping, slurping, slurping it up. Wh-Wh-Why are you making that face? Holy shit!

ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead!

Ha ha, Hamster in Butt World Weather is done, and now " sports time coming up. - Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss. BETH: So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people? Yes, sweetie. That's where the live. Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside? Yeah, and can they leave the butt and, like, walk around on their own?

lt's gratuitous at this point.

Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got! A2, 3,4! Rick, Marty, lce-T, the timetable's moved up,

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Go change.

I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait -- no. There's still another human in here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-Iaw, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation. Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha!

I just did you a favor, Marty, Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends. Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet. Jessica, can I show you something?

Oh, here we go!

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty,

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,

I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse,

Thank you very, very much.

Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that. Well, somebody's got to do it, Marty, Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through Customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Marty, And they'll fall right out of mine.

Marmalade is served. - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, whee!

I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch? Jerry, I believe that, if you hide by yourself, you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right.

Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.

and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should -- Uh, guys, not a good time. Come on, Morty. Let's hit it,

at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night.

Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems. It can be a real bad thing for everybody. Oh, yeah? How's that? U-Uh, I'll explain when you're older.

Huh. J, Drummer drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing.

Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do!

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

Where are my testicles, Summer?

Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Outside? Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad.

Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit.

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

Yes. An Earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet, separation ofthe genders is the right thing to do, but on Earth, a certain percentage of our males are born gay, which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts,

Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies ofthe Universe, now that you're one of us, Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right. All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium...

Good luck, Rick. Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty.

undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

- Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that. Hey, wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here? I don't know. I think, like, 1/64 of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have 63 other memories of everything. Yeah. But I feel like one ofthe 64 Ricks, like, sacrificed himself for me? - Maybe? I think? - Shut up, Marty,

JERRY: Beth! You'll want to see this. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel... with a tiny amount of space behind it. lfyou can find one, too, we should be safe for hours, maybe days! You stay put, Jerry. I'll send help, if I make it. You don't want to find your own little hatch?

Droppin' loads. ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

Unity has spoken of you. All bad, I hope. Ha ha! ALL: Bleeeeeeeeeh! Oh, Jesus Christ.

You were so small and cute. I thought you were gonna fly right off into the street. I used to pee my pants. I know, and now look at you! You have a job. You're making really good money. You're not paying any rent, so you have plenty of disposable income. Oh, god, Dad. Please, don't. I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. l have some interviews coming up,

Get in the goddamn ship!!

who takes care of my kids?

Uh, Marty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid. We watched them kill each other. We're leaving. Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby.

Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

You may have created this universe, Rick, but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us!

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards.

Come on, Morty. Let's hit it, MORTY: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass. All right, Morty. Don't break an arm jerking yourself off. Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know?

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick!

can you assimilate a giraffe? You're the worst! No, you're the worst! You don't support this family! All you care about is yourself! You think supporting the family is about supporting you emotionally... you've got two children being dragged across the cosmos ...because it's never enough, Jerry! ...by your dangerously ill father! And you force me to watch it happen... ...because you'd rather lose them and lose me... ...it's like to be afraid of losing anything 'F'

I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck!

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

What do you think of these things?

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad.

The beacon was activated.

but this is real science. A man and his boy, making planets. Hey, how about we use a ping-pong ball for Pluto? And then Jupiter -- Uh, actually, I don't think Pluto's a planet. Of course Pluto's a planet, son, I learned that in the third grade. Well, yeah, but you know they changed it. Marty, nobody changed the planets.

What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty?

Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly, we can work together. SUMMER: Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off -- Our school is vampire-free!

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they -- they -- they -- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies,

I'm your new teacher for Scary class. My name is Scary Mr. Johnson. Uh, actually, you know what? That's my dad's name, so why don't you just call me Scary Glenn, yeah? So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on Fundamentals of Fear. Which is -- what is that? You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say --

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird.

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well.

Grandpa?

It's not supposed to hurt. undefined l-l thought... Ooh, whee.

FEMALE VOICE: Keep Summer safe. MORTY: Ohh! Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me!

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty --

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty!

Now I'm hooked.

Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long? I don't know. How long do you guys want? A week? A month?

I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions.

Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry -- hard work,

And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit.

I'll go.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight.

Ooh la la, someone's gonna get laid in college. ANCHOR: It appears we are being revisited by the alien known as Rick, who once gave our world the gift of gooble box technology,

FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die!

We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13. - Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s,

Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer. No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery.

Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face! I ain't taking no sh-- - Aah! - Okay, s-sorry about that.

J, Yo, yo, flu-hating rapper J, J, It's a flu-hating rap J, Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns!

I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies?

Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah!

My god, the man's a genius.

Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. What's with mom? Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she’s acting weird? How sophisticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one. Okay, you know what, Rick? Youre acting weird, too. Whatever, quote-unquote "Marty." All right, well...

i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch, so i never know what's going on. Am i standing, sitting? i don 't know,

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah!

Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time?

I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty, You have to do it, Marty, Oh, man.

I'm sorry. Daddy, leave the car alone. W-W-W-Wh at? Leave the car alone. Hunter? Don't -- Oh, my god, Stay here, Hunter! No! God, no! Hunter!

For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity. You know, I thought it was about being born half-god or something. Whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking -- now. Dad, I'm not giving you my phone. Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.

but you have spent this time learning nothing. Come with me into the forest. There is something I wish to teach you. This is Ku'ala, the spirit tree. For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here.

WWW, rickandmorty.com.

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak,

Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be!

You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich.

I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation. More wine? I think I've had enough.

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer!

Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah! Good lord. How did you...?

Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute. That's a steal because i 'm a great pai We could talk about sports or barbecue. Jerry, get a job.

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

Hey, Marty, could you lick my-,

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Oh, yes, Morty. l-it's almost unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, you know? There's something about the air and just the way the sunshine is, Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Wha-- convincing? Oh, Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Uhh...okay. I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning.

It's called "Ooh let me out!"

Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party. Heads up, Rapists. Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace.

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

He died. Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Please step away from the vehicle, Keep Summer safe. And if you continue to turn your flooble cranks, I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks.

Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child. Yeah, uh... give me a sec.

i am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters. But i do want to say you are not making this easy, You know you're kind of a dick, right? My function is to keep Summer safe, not keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe and stuff,

J, Look on down from the bridge J, J, There's still fountains down there J,

which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter.

Okay, things are getting out of hand.

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?

All right, Marty, W-w-we're in your stupid giant's castle. W-what do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.

Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage. Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.

And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

JESSICA: Marty! Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good.

There is something I wish to teach you.

Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

I'm kidding. I know that's on me. Um, Rick! RICK: Shit. Well, I guess this is it. Marty, crack the window. I wonderwhy Greg is always so critical of my girlfriend. Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself.

Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world, You're a real Julius Caesar. But I'll tell you some-- tell you how -- how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time -- A bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "Two plus two." The people in the back say, "Four."

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was --

This time be like Grandpa. You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!

It's show- ... time.

Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god. Aah! Aah! Oh, my god, Secure the cell! Aaaah!

Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch! Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.

We don't have time for mojitos. - You are insulting them. - I don't care, Summer! This place is the worst! I want to go home! Well, it really doesn't matterwhat youwant, because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears!

Now get the fuck out of here.

Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!

She's aced every test in potato class,

Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

How did this happen?

JERRY: Try not to worry about it, Marty, You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. You're missing the point, Dad.

It was?

How are you today? l'm Mr. Jelly Bean.

I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people.

Marty, you got to come on. You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow!

Okay, with all due respect, Rick --

but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez.

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it, Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse and then the microverse around that, and guess what? Don't make things worse, Rick! Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe.

The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.

You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty, - It would go without saying, huh? - Yeah, it would. Did you hear me say it? Nah. The Mortyest Marty, Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown.

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah!

J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the ward, No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it. I smell the blood of -- whoop! Holy crap. Oh, boy, He looks pretty bad down there, Marty, Looks like he's bleeding out. Oh, Jesus! Dale!

J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.

This entire world is not the world, We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship. Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty,

l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here.

Rick and Summer of Earth,

l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole.

We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community. May my chores complete me as I complete them.

It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

Thank y-o-o-ou. See, Morty? This is what it's all about. This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

Oh, yeah! I want yooooooou! ALL: Go, son, go! Go, son, go! Go, son, go!

Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty!

Call me, Taddi Mason.

I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants.

Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof! Hold still. Oh, hey, guys. I just finished cooking us a feast. - Aaaah! - Holy --

Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

Yo, this is why. What the fuck, you can turn into ice?

I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies. Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels. It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline. Rats! What a shame.

Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster. Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship.

I'm traveling with my son and father-in-law.

Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell? I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you! J, These memories that we have J,

The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here.

What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J,

T-The red "X"! Red "X"! RICK: Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Marty? Yeah, Rick, l-l heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. Man, this place is way off the grid. This guy does not want to be found. Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Marty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices?

i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers. This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He wouio’ have had to run until he died, making them worthless. i removed the curse, making them worth, like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics,

Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

I don't know what humans eat. You know what this human eats. Don't be gross, Tammy. Bird dick. Tammy, gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick,

Uh, I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents, or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards. - Wait a minute, what? - And away we go! Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what?

This is a Meeseeks Box.

Knock them dead out there, you. Pluto is...

Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what?

Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome. J, Look on down from the bridge J,

Their entire culture is built around their penises.

Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers." Oh, Oh, "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice.

But I've known him my whole life. No, you haven't, Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. lt's -- it's disgusting.

You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money.

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am?

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it.

Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Marty, Starting right about now, Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad,

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.

The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect! Don't talk that way about her! What? Oh, it hurts! Oh, god, Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah!

I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery. What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack?

All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. - How do you know -- - How do you know that -- Whatever your asking me, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go.

She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch.

I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest ofthe time. Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company. Hey, there he is. Here I am.

It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.

l-l don't want to answer any more purge questions. All right, hey, hey, that's cool. I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her!

I have something important to tell you. J, And the gears, they turned for a thousand years J, J, Until the dark day that they stopped J, Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty, Rick, wait! There's something you need to know.

Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing. Marty, I think it would be fun for you to work on a science project with your Dad. Uh... Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together? Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son. We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee,

Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song,

I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate. Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow dangerous. Like The Insane Clown Passe, Yeah. Good one, Jerry. 2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.

Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry!

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand.

Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most. Males... ...they get to play outside.

Since when do you have a job? Since last week. lt's part-time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me. Meow. Can't wait to meet... this fascinating character.

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat?

That's planning for failure, Marty, Even dumber than regular planning. Balls.

The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson. Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, player.

Stay. What do you want?

Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow! Oh, my god! RICK: No, Beth! Oh fuck! Wait, but I -- - Oh, Beth! Why?! - I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend. Why? Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.

It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now!

This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town.

What about... Pirates of the Pancreas? I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that?

Oh, my god!

You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

We can adapt. We can communicate.

You tried to kill yourself. O-only in self-defense.

Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior. No? No takers?

but all bets are off. Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. Aah! Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends,

But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.

Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct.

J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl!

Well, nice. Rea/nice, Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster! - I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying.

It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane.

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Marty should --

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside. Um, go inside what? The battery, Marty, Be right back, Summer. Stay put, don't touch any buttons, and ignore all random thoughts that feel... spidery.

Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall.

Oh, man. Where are we, Rick? Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected.

Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real. But how did you know it was Nicky?

But unless this can beat that, what have you done for me lately?

My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!

Grandpa, go home and drink.

The E-Arth relationships are simpler. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh -- W-Wait, what? What's going on? Where are the Smith mythologues? JERRY: Oh, my god.

What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

/'m the E yeho!e... Man.

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

Our destiny is our own!

l wantedyou to find me. We're not so different, you and l. Yeah, duh! See this right here, Rick? l crunched the numbers. I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed them out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird.

Aah! Unh! Class dismissed.

More are coming.

- Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it? Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions, and -- and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves? I want to obsess about myself.

Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar?

Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh.

Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs,

And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Marty, I mean, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Marty, Y-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt. In my butt? Come on, Morty. Please, Marty,

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on.

Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

I remember the conversation. We told Marty to replace all the bank's money with cookies. Your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson. Boom! In your face, Summer! You really dropped the ball, man. Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours?

What? Dumb. Bye. But Rick, Summer's just -- Summer's just a hyper-emotional, needy little -- what's the word I'm looking for here? Uh...human. It runs in the family. I can tolerate it, but I can't give a crap about it. Take a hike. Take care of yourself, Unity.

Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's.

Get him out of here. What? Get the orthodontist out of here. undefined No! Why? Take him out ofthe audience. Kill him. Sic him. Demons... Sack his iife out. i don't give a shit, - Smith family? - Yes?

Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill America! ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend.

What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack? That's Bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho?

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer!

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move!

24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.

15 1/2 brapples. Welcome back to "Funny Songs." It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience. Um, longtime fan ofthe show. Uh -- What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music.

Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited. The Pluto-bel prize is the highest honor a scientist can receive.

Ooh, he's trying!

Aw, see? You hear that, Marty Jr.? Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind. Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel. I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, but beyond that... I know you can do it, son. I think it's time I get a place of my own,

Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word?

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash.

Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away.

J, I love Marty J,

How dumb are you?

Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred. What?! That's Rick-diculous! I'm obviously being setup. Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds,

I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work. - Oh, Wow. - Huh. I never got that impression from reading "Marmaduke." Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh?

Class dismissed.

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know? I mean, who knows what -- what if somebody breaks something?

Rick, keep a level head, okay?

Oh, my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building! Not people, Marty -- Mortys. Oh, god! W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible!

Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye.

I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store?

Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter -- the fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty, lsn't your grandpa, like, a scientist? Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff. I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot.

Shh, shh! I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay.

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it!

Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do. Aah!

That's strange. Airflow is down 20%. So, the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security's offline. Well, I guess we better check it out. Hey! Wait for me! Put that back on!

Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school.

You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver. l-l'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.

and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out ofthe airwhile he lets us fall into a giant vat of lava! Pretty concise, Marty, Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Marty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Marty, That'll buy us some time to figure this out! You don't know m--

I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it...

I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn.

Listen, I'm not -- you don't -- y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with -- with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. l'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Marty, What are you talking about, Rick? You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She -- she -- she -- she -- she's all for you, Morty. I don't care about Jessica! You know what, Marty? You're right. Let's forget the girl all together.

I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look. ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome. My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? M-my drink is empty.

The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them. l have to admit, it was always in the back of my mind, too. The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who?

l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time.

Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman.

See? There's little R2-D2s where the George Washingtons should be. You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value. The truth is, you bought them because you like them. They have value to you, That's what matters.

I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal. Just do it already.

Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.

Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Birdperson.

You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

T-T-T-This is just sloppy craftsmanship. Hey, Rick.

But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer.

Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty! Nobody's killing me...

I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it, ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

Shut up and listen to me!

Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. i 'm cooking a iittie bit of this. i 'm gonna cook a iittie bit of that, Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.

I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer,

The shoes have to be turned on! BETH: I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret? I told you -- l was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.

Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon straight past human surgeon to Headof medicine. That's my dream! That's my dream. Thank you. This is all so overwhelming,

Nice racket you got going on here. Listen, l'm Rick Sanchez from Earth dimension C-137, Don't mean you any harm. Coming in peace. It's all cool in the, uh -- "good in the neighborhood" is what I was trying to come -- is what I meant. Oh, I get it -- the old behind-every-great-man Amazon twist.

No! No! Ow!

Puh! This late?

Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run... but you cant hide! RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

It's incredibly irresponsible. And you did it so we could clean the house after a party? Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Marty, Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "Is." - Or...? - We isn't.

I ask you to do one thing!

Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now.

Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run! Relax, Marty, Look!

This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she's a marine biologist. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life. I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now "Phisosophers."

[processing, powering up f

It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?!

Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck,

- Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

The nipple hole. It's beautiful. Oh, no! Holy crap!

Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice.

You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it,

Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all.

ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake.

Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

God damn it! God damn it!!

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers!

Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

Uh, yeah, just masturbating!

Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back.

Wobble gobba lop bops! Right?

Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one.

I am a baby! I'm a baby now! Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!

So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein? Shi-i-i-i-t. l'mma bust a -- No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein!

Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here. You little turd. Please! Leave me alone! Leave you alone? During a purge? I don't think so, baby. It's okay. We're not gonna hurt you. My name is Marty, This is my grandpa.

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.

They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.

What are the kitties to do but buckle together and work as a team F Mrs. Sullivan, l -- please, forgive me for being forward, but your eyes are so beautiful. Wait. This is an actual movie? This fall, sparks Will fly... Mrs. Sullivan. Ohh.

Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt.

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic.

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why?

Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head! I hate being a teenager!

What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me!

Stop interrupting! The knives will --

l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ] Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it, Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters.

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart.

You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry. I want Jerrys. An army. An army of Jerrys. The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe.

it was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh!

Losing him. Stabilized. Okay, I only ask, Jerry, because, as you know, my job involves performing heart surgery. Well, yeah, on horses. Excuse me? Okay. Let's not rehash t/ratfight, I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. Whoa! What is this on the floor?

Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy. You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a --

Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach.

You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me. Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste,

Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick! Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great. The E-Arth relationships are simpler.

lfthere's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

Us?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?! Oh, right, blame this on us. Okay, uh, I can and lam! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist!

Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

l'll talkto you after lunch. Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa!

Well, maybe you're right. Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. l'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon? Horse heart surgeon. Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina -- no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon? Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now.

Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick. We'll have two Bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels?

- My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

I'm losing it here, Rick! Relax, Marty, relax! It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you.

Marty, tell your parents the first Law of Thermodynamics. "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

Hello, Summer. Hello, Marty, It's okay. You're safe now. Unity? - Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. lwas thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing.

Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty, Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while. You can run...

Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here.

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick!

Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something. Whoa! Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick. T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something.

Well, you know, I mean, maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way. MAN: Actually, there is. Hi. I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke." You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold, or is itjust me? I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp. I am here if you need to talk. - What is this place? - Paradise.

This is a candid shot. I don't require a camera so -- Sorry.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

Whoa. Sh-- shit! Oh! Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens? Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists, you know? So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery!

Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on? Too many.

You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker! Yes! Oh, yes! All right, you know what I'm talking about. - Oh, that was a close call. - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Marty, - Oh, yeah, do it. - Check me out. I'm doing the Cabbage Patch. - Do it right. - I'm doing it, too. - Do the cabbage patch. - It's a classic dance. - Do it, Do the dance. - Oh shit look at that.

Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

What's that dipshit doing out there?

Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, get some ice cream. You -- You want me to come with? Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? I'll be okay. Bye, Marty,

Jessica. Knock it off, Slow Mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

What the hell was that?

That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy? Sure thing, Rick. Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore.

You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Wubba lubba dub dub!

what do you think? You're fired. Wha--

l-l-l-l -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling.

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse.

No! Nobody's doing that!

Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us! You hear me? Come back. Y-You got to come back. Change your mind. Oh, geez.

- What? - Nothing. Read it and weep, bitch. Does everybody see what I mean? I think we all see what you both mean. Any leads on the vampire? No, Summer! I mean, you know,

SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem?

If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind?

We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys. Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick.

H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was all my fault.

- What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines?

I mean, I still put myself through Veterinary School. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't... I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from Muskegon. She's still there, Beth. Well, herwaistline isn't.

Spaghetti, kangaroos? l’ve gotta check this place out.

but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry. Hey, uh, y-you doing okay? I kind of know how you feel, Summer.

Sally, the plate, please.

Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's 6 1/2 brapples. We got, uh, a -- crushed red party cups, 15 1/2 brapples.

Hey, doc.

Everyone's gross, and they all smell like piss all the time. I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah!

What?! Are you kidding me?!

Aah! Don't think about it!

Gosh, I look around this room, and I think,

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right.

Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this. l'm blowing up -- three new voicemails. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick, Listen, i 'm sorry about earlier, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard this one. Hey, Rick, it’s Rick,

Oh! Rick! Marty!

Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again.

First, they take the dinglebop,

Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote.

I got you pregnant.

but this is real science.

GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts. Beth.

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty -- one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty, and they had been forever. l was the only old person there, Marty, It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. H was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Marty, and they --

Yeah, now, because the gym coach was a vampire, the school board is embarrassed and won't take it public. However, they can't have students killin' teachers. I gotta expel you for this one, TR. I'm sorry. I just got expelled, Summer! Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young. My top! Screw your top!

I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours.

Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.

Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with a collective. ALL: Yes, Rick. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it, Not like this. We need a hang glider and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume,

Nope. This is. You can park in a handicap spot, Marty, Anything with less than eight limbs is considered disabled here. WOMAN: Well, look at this fella. Aren't you handsome? Thank you. - I'm Jerry. - Oh, I know you are.

27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council.

Scalpel. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Scalpel. - Nano-Scalpel. Okay. We're ready.

Um -- Wow, Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer. I probably could turn myself into a teenager and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled, low-stakes assworld that is high school. But here's my reverse-ask -- Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever?

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit? I do not know, your unholiness.

"Cape Fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear." SQUANCHY: Hey, squanchers!

So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckers at the dance! Tiny Rick! Marty, you have to help me! Summer, he's happy! I'm happy!

Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty.

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are.

Don’t er the name fed you. Wm very much in charge -- reminding you that tonight is our annual Fiu Season Dance. i don't know how many times ihave to say this, but if you have the f/a, stay home. Hey. The Fiu Season Dance is about awareness, not celebration, You don't bring dead babies to Passover,

Now, pick up your dead self and come on.

JACEY: Maybe you're the only friend I need.

You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board.

It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fred I should be promoted! Yes. Yeah! Wait. Really? Yes. Yes! I mean, I'm -- it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time. Yes.

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white, uh... guilt -- white-guilt miiquetoast piece of human garbage.

l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick.

Get out! Get out!

This isn't a fucking chocolate factory. I don't have time. Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go.

but it's certainly not what he died for.

All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. How could you be so dishonest with this family? Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?

You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth. Are you the ruler of this Earth? How did you know?

Marty, come on! We gotta get you out of here. You won't believe this 'cause it usually never happens, but I made a mistake. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

Holy shit! Thanks, kids. You figured it out. Well, Summer did. Kind of weird that you were that willing to sell my existence out for some trim, Marty, What?! Pants! But listen -- I forgive you both because you know what? I learned, today, something important -- The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself. Hey. Hey. W-W-What's going on? Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project? Whatever. PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited.

Umm... JESSICA: Come on, Marty,

but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be 100% honesty and open, clear communication. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today! No idea what you're talking about. Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour.

Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry. I'm the worst Rick ofthem all. According to who -- other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life,

Now, what can I getcha? We've got Skarlog Poppies, Flurlow, Halzingers, Bloogies, Juicy Time Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, h-how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Orjust a bunch of nonsense words? Rick.

BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art.

This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg.

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture. Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs,

Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy. Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember -- no TV, no phones, no laptops. We are connecting this Christmas,

Marty, remember eight seconds ago when -- you said, "go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty,

Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother. Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve. He's been living here almost a year now.

Cool. The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right. A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'Pers? It has been a,,, challenging mating season for Birdperson.

Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,

- You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun! RICK: Summer, Marty, take off your collars.

ANNIE: So, Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Yeah. Talk to me. Hey, Rick. It's Alejandro speaking. Um, so, we asked ourselves, internally -- we asked ourselves over here, "Okay, what does a pancreas do?" and the answer was, "Does it make pirates?" No, it makes insulin, you know? So, we're starting with a new --

Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best. Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica.

I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs. Well, I'm intervening.

List-- hey! Tw-- ow! But the-- these arms are vestigial! Now, you poked me where an eye would've been about 6 million years ago. SUMMER: Come on, let's help Grandpa. MORTY: Yes! I'm 100% not sure about anything! Yeah, totally uncertain. Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.

you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know? Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir.

Washing dishes?

Dad, I'm so confused! I know, Marty Jr, I'm sorry. I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me. You know, parents are just kids having kids. One minute, you like how a shiny robot looks. The next minute, you're in a fist fight with your alien son. I'm an alien?

with my confidence. God, Grandpa, you're such a dick. I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves? Screw that. I don't wanna get sick. lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

Science isn't always easy, Morty.

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. That's what I think of your crystals, Rick!

I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

It's a good-a show!

PRINCIPAL VAGINA: The Head has left and sent its children.

Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination. Nice.

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean?

What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross!

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down,

This is my grandson, Marty, Oh, hi, Morty. l'm Krcombcopulcos Michael. I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa. Here. Go away. Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Marty, Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics.

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you. Aaaah!

I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god!

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J,

I love watching bukkake.

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews!

lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

l dabble, Mr. President.

It's messed up, There's caterers down there.

Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty!

Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Marty responsible for killing today? None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day. Ain't that right, homey? Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules! Must be nice. Hey, Marty, there's our Jerry. Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick.

Holy shit! Y-Y-You're gonna crush us with a boulder?! No! Stop interrupting! The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... knives. What? Just give me a gun. I'll kill myself. Stop interrupting! The knives will -- Fine! You were right the first time, okay?

You're missing the point, Marty, Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No, So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? Well, that would be obvious to you, Marty, if you'd been paying attention. We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die!

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow!

Am I right? Oh, my god! Call an ambulance! JERRY: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! Will everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve."

- You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

How? They took my portal gun.

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.

They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad! Yes, Morty? My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive! Can you help me get him back?! I suppose, Marty, I suppose. But first, a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so."

Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top. Look, I'm trying to repair a p-portal gun with a bunch of sex-doll parts,

J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? Are you listening to me, Marty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it, J-J -- come on, let -- j-- let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me. You don't know me!

Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,

Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware. I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space AIDS. We gotta be careful. I lost the chance to be careful, Rick. I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it.

I am a baby! I'm a baby now!

"I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!

What? Why? Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down.

Absolutely! Good luck.

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed. Um...

Shmlonathan F All right, that actually got old pretty quick. Rick! Will you please go back to me on "David Letterman"? Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Marty,

Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?

You lied! You lied about the charge!

Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey. Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right? Let's just say you don't pay-, with money. That was perfect. You pay with the curses, right? Um... l-well,., But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items?

Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife. So, what, it'd be better if the people were corn? RICK: Jerry, you don't get it, This is infinite TV from infinite universes.

A list of fears and questions or a collection of real experiences? Holy crap. Joyce, that's amazing. Then Jacob came into our lives, and...we're learning to live again. All three of us, Cool. Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?

It's fine. Everything is fine.

Nobody move! Oh, my god, Are those...

Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins! Geez, Rick, w-what is this place? The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. - Council of Ricks? - As you know, Morty... I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat --

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead!

Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.

Ohhhhh!

All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what?

This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell?

Back off!

And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer.

Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay! Back up, asshole. Back up, Ohh. Back the fuck up! Aah! For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it? Y-You can't leave us here. You're killing us!

What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on. - Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved. No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it, - Yeah, I did.

We're like the rest of these assholes now. W-W-We're gonna get purged, Marty, Help me up, Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick. Why don't we just use your portal gun? It's in the car, dip-ass. Oh, god, it hurts. She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right.

I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be.

I think it was one ofthe most underrated attractions. Boo-yah! Hold your breath. Hey, w-w-what the hell, Rick?! What the hell, man! I liked her! I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Hey. Are you the one that left?

You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick!

And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore.

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas, son. Uh, hi. Can I help you? Jerry, this is Jacob. Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No! You must be Jerry. That's a fine-looking apron. Williams-Sonoma? I wish! But thank you. So, you're a,,, friend ofthe family? Uh, the way we see it, he's a part ofthe family.

ln here.

I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn. Finally. I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline. I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born. That came out wrong, That came out very wrong, Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me.

Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps.

Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science,

Ohhhhh!

Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah!

Nintendo, give me free stuff.

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town. You're welcome.

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy.

And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth with artificial biological life. GLAXO: Interesting. What the hell is that?! Take that back! You do notthink that about me! I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain. Can I take it back? There's nothing to regret.

Not on my watch.

RICK: The Iiver's under maintenance. Reuben's seen some rough years, Marty, Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great. Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?!

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick. Yeah, Grandpa, way to go. What, you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head. He came here in a bubble. For all we know, he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsackland.

We will stop bombing them, and they will no longer use their telepathic abilities to make us wander into webs for later consumption. Instead, we will work together to make this world a better place for all, no matter how many legs. What do we do about the space car? Leave it alone. I mean, what did it really do, anyways? Kill a guy and paralyze his buddy?

Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other. Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

Oh, dear god, no. They're codependent! Run! Oh!

what do you think? You're fired. Wha-- But t-this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation. Well, then, it was a terrible simulation. Get out. Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?

I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed.

A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually. undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right. I-It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on. What the hell is that? E, Coli outbreak.

The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy, Anatomy Park is doomed.

I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty?

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat -- galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem,

How's this for a burning sensation?

Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse! Shut up! Whoa! We're gonna go get some ice cream, motherfucker! Oh, great. Oh, boy, W-What's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something? "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Marty,

Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. He's getting married!

Knock, knack, Jerry? My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "Hey, why not swing by where your wife works? tt We're losing him. Okay, he's back. Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason. Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one ofthree meals that have existed for millennia. Losing him. Stabilized.

Every kid needs a dad, but there's no replacing you. Hey, you want to give us a hand with this? We're trying to figure out how to get the sound coming through the stereo instead of the TV, l-l-lt's very difficult. Oh! Uh, well, is there an aux input? We tried that, but there's two different colors. But there's two different colors.

J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know? Okay. 60 for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

What's important is that we move quickly. I'm not ready to die. You're not going to. Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.

Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!

Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine. You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what. Oh, my God. He's trying to tell us something.

Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day. Fade to black. Title -- 'three weeks earlier."' You really don't want to talk to me about this.

25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.

Oh, Morty.

What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick. I'm the coolest kid in your school. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh? I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here -- I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh! Rick, I know you're in there! I know you're trying to get out! That's it, Marty! Hold him down!

I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that! Stay. What do you want? Jerrys. You want Jerry? [don't even want Jerry.

There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay! Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it. You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad. - Got it? - Got it, Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad? l'm ignoring you.

I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal. Hold onl This is Special A gent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern.

Yeah, I heard about that, Marty, And I disagree. You disagree? That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Marty, Pluto was a planet. Some committee of fancy assholes disagree. I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball. Um, okay. l-l just have to... Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto? No, Geez!

But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable.

No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it, Give me the gun, Frankenstein! Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

but then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, Iike...an Appley or something. Yes. Is there really an award called the Appley for Apple-Related ad campaigns? Yes. Could we nominate me? Yes. Holy crap!

We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty, But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty, What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh! Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Marty, Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine! Now bring me my slippers. Now, be my footstool, Snuffles.

You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified.

Holy crap! This is insane! RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here!

They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border. Where your jurisdiction ends. I guess that's the end ofthat. There is just one more thing. According to this state's Veterinarian statute,

Can't afford to chance it.

There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!

You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. There you are, Marty, Listen to me.

We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. W-W-W-W-W-What about me, Rick? W-W-W-W-Why can't you just help me out once -- once -- for once? You're growing up fast, Marty, You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass. Listen, this is called oxytocin. l extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Marty?

Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it. That's my note, you know? Please write more. - Seems a little insincere. - What? No, You don't have to mollycoddle me. I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts. All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing.

Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah. Not on my watch. That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith!

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on!

All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, l-l-l'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously. Uh-oh, Marty, Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss? Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty,

Okay. Well, uh, Marty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family. And now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you. You know what? Okay. Holy cow, Rick.

Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he'sjust -- Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay. Oh, you're so sweet, I just -- Oh, but I can't. Yeah, you're still doing it.

I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

No! No! Ow!

and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing. All right. All right. Calm down. Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be --

You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,

MAN: My man!

Well... I got you pregnant. Yeah,,, What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks Box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible. Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot. Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Hell, yeah! What's one more night? And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh? Wubby lubby doob doob! - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

What they don't know is that 80% of every crank's energy output gets channeled out of the miniverse to be used by us, No more gooble boxes. RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical.

It's just -- l-look, l-l don't know how you thought I meant it, but... Don't look at me, dude. Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but... You know? What do I know? That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad. Stay out ofthis, Jessica!

I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone.

which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

Pluto is...

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards. COUNCILMAN RICK: Earth Rick C-137,

What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me?

At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi! Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little Poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? Huh. l-is -- is something wrong, Beth? Ow!

Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system? Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an "A." Butter. But... You're a genius... at being my Dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14 -- I got a computer in here, you know? Oh, I -- I think I understand.

Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!

I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

Jerry! Beth. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I love you, Jerry. Aw, Beth. Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high!

Free of charge. One never pays here -- not with money. Nothing to read into there. Thanks! Sorry I'm late, Mr. Needful. This is my grandpa, Rick. He was just leaving. Huh. Tell me, Rick, what do you desire? Eh, I make my own stuff.

Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.

- No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

l'm Octopus Man!

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely.

Okay, good.

We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

ZEEP: Riiiick! Don't do it, You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.

Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

f honks horn f Son of a bitch.

You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that? W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Run! Marty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!

Morty...

Whoa! Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time. Yeah, and Slow Mobius thinks he's all that. For how long? I don't know. How long do you guys want? A week? A month?

l’m Mr. Sneezy. f sneezes ]

Hey, that's my deer! Aaaaaaah! Raah! I hope your god is as big a dick as you.

No, no! Look, you idiot!

Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing!

You're doing great, Marty, Really? You think? I mean, I'm not doing much of anything. What do I do if it cries? Then you put it down and let it cry itself out. Yeah, right. We tried that technique on Summer, and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it.

"Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here.

Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey! Aah! Aaaaah! - Keep Summer safe. - Aaaaaaah! Hey, man, what the hell?!

but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

BOTH: Nice. So, what are you in for? Because I got -- I got a big, you know, penis between my legs. What -- what -- what are you in tar? The worst crime a female can commit. WOMAN: Veronica Ann Bennett,

Rick. Portal. Hurry.

J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J, J, and feel him inside me J, Oh, crap.

"We."

Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird. Do you know what I want you to do with them? Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow.

SUMMER: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school? It's not God, Summer. She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey. Shut up, Jerry.

I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy?

Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination! Um... "Dada"? Destruction. Domination.

And now, another quick mystery. [just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints. Guilty, lsentence you to life in prison. Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

It's almost identical. Yes. Okay. I deserve that. Umm...| guess-, I'll just pack up my desk. Yes. Oh, my Gad,

Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry.

Confirmed, Na, Oh, god, help me. Help me! Help me, please! You can help me!

Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. Oh, god,

- I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim!

FEMALE VOICE: Law enforcement converging on location. Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force. - Yes. - Processing. MAN: Come out ofthe vehicle with your hands in the air!

But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out.

It's me, cousin Nicky. l'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. l'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air.

ANNC)UNCER: it’s the opposite news with Michael Thompson. Hey, everybody, it’s me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn 't get killed. He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba. in other opposite news, information. . .

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J,

lt's fixed. You know, we could -- we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is, I mean, Marty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? lt's -- it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting. That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever.

Marty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Marty, for them to work. Yeah, look -- I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze. I'm in a lot of pain, Rick. Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Marty? Are you kidding me?!

That was just a baby. And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling!

I love you, Jerry. I love you. TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

This trip has been a "Titanic" failure. Get it? Ooh! Draw me, Jerry. Oh, boy, Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind. But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again! The view from here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth's gravity,

Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh. "Uh-oh"? What is that?! Hmm. I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends. Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half --

l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario -- we're back to running. Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking. Thanks, Marty,

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick!

lt's flu season. It is? Yeah. Uh-oh.

And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarcks.

Give it back! Yeah! Frankenstein! Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins!

You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax. Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?

Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship.

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!

Tuberculosis -- coming in fast!

Ugh. Wonderful. Hey, excuse me. Hello. Um... What, you think you're better than me?! Nobody's better than me! Hey! Hey!

Oh, shit, motherfucker!

I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet.

ALL: Ice-T?! That's right. It's me -- Ice-T. I care now. You made me care more. With all due respect, I'd like to hearwhat Rick and Marty have to play. What do you say, Rick? I say, let's do it!

W-Why would somebody do this? It's horrible! Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats, but you get -- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put them in agonizing pain, that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker.

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

I don't know. Come on, let's get some stuffing. I'm starving. Oh, unbelievable. We got -- we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens. Do you guys realize that Christ was born today? Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today. Are -- are -- are you people even human?

Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh?

Noooooo!

Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here?

Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice. Unity, is it a bad time? Are all present life forms assimilated? Beta Seven, this is my single-minded friend from Earth, Rick. Rick Sanchez.

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me? Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! Oh, here we go! Holy crap!

Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? Hey, Rick! Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? C-can we please?

- Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time.

- Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah!

Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot? ...give you anything! l have a rare antique- coin collection! Just don't hurt me! Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington. Our son's been abducted! You hate me for buying those coins!

I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em. RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty, I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let'sjust find Dr. Bloom, all right? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Marty, Proceed to the liver.

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules!

Holy --

You're saying I should leave Jerry. I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation. More wine? I think I've had enough.

Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out,

I just upgraded our cable package with programing from every conceivable reality. Wait. Does that mean we get Showtime Extreme? How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? We ’re not so different, We ’re both corn of action. Yeah, but one of as is dead corn! SUMMER: Boring. Summer you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife.

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!! Hey. Uh...

because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate. And, most importantly,

Uh, anything else.

The citadel of Ricks.

Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes.

And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk.

Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet. We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it.

You're welcome.

I can't believe how mean Snuffles got just because he's smart. This is why I choose to get C's. Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer. Dad! Rick! Oh, thank God, Morty. Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

He tried to kill himself. Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.

I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams,

You respect me. Please, call me "The Devil." I'd rather not, actually. Yes, perhaps not during business hours.

RICK: What an asshole!

Grandpa Rick! Hold still, "Summer." Rick, that is my daughter. Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you. Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue?

I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr. You were right, Marty -- We really just needed to be honest with those guys.

Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate.

and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers. Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty,

Hey, you know what, Marty? Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little ofthis purge through it? What?! No! What is your problem?! Marty, grow up, If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car. Also, if you tell your mom about this, - l'll purge you. - You're the worst. This planet is the worst. How can you be into this?

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture.

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore.

AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Jessica? From my math class? When I drop the bomb, I don't -- You know, I want you to have somebody, you know -- I want you to have the thing -- I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Marty, No, you can't! J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist. But -- but -- but forget about that,

So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, they need me at the horse hospital. Puh! This late?

I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson. Ugh, it's -- Never mind.

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

MORTY: Oh! Oh! Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people.

You're not Marty, No, I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar. That's... stupid. Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you.

He knew that once I got back to my car, one of two things was gonna happen -- I was gonna have to toss a broken battery, or the battery wouldn't be broken. Peace among worlds, Rick. Jesus. Yeah. Listen to that baby purr.

Marty, nobody changed the planets. I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet.

You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid.

Look at -- look at this.

l was your only friend, and I get nothing? Okay. I'll give you one thing. Name it. I want to help you. Clever twist. I learned from the best, you old fart. Now, let's go get you hydrated. Looks like we've got... haunted boxing gloves that wril make you the heavyweight champion in 1936,

W-we're going on a quest, okay? RICK: Can't wait. Ahem. Excuse me! We are two humble heroes in search of adventure! Oh, my God, so embarrassing. At last! Two heroes! You must help us! This village is terribly poor, yet the giant that lives in the clouds above has untold treasures!

Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Hold your fire!

- Brad! Hey! - Yo. Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk, Cool. The beacon was activated. Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency. Oh, there's an emergency, all right.

Whatever it is, it's beautiful, Leonard, and we support you. Hey, speak for yourself, because it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman.

Jesus, Marty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves, and then worry about all this later? Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick.

You're not. Or are you?

Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh! Great. Now l have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs. You're doing great, Marty,

I got this.

What the hell was that? I don't know. Let's just leave. That is a hatch. Your father put a hatch in my garage. You don't know it was him. Anyway, we're not supposed to be in here. Obviously, neither is whatever's gurgling down there.

Marty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an "F." RICK: He doesn't care. Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now, Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Marty, Ugh!

This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government? All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

Stop. This representation displeases me. Aaah! Good lord. How did you...? Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind,

It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield.

You're kidding me. Notice anything different?

JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

Rick! It's a monster! No, no, no. Marty, The only monster here is alco ... ...holism. That is an animatronic werewolf. Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from? My -- my -- my grandpa Rick sent me! Poncho! That's quite enough.

Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

RICK: Worst movie ever.

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

Don't be a hero, kid. I'm not. I'm doing it because it's fun. We shouldn't be here. Whatever you do, do not fire that thing in here. We must save Reuben. This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria,

Summer is doing really well here.

I would love to see it,

119/11s,

Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now, calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah! Reload, fast. Summer, w-we need you to take down this number. Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right?

SU M M ER: Hear, hear! Cheers! Cheers to that, motherfucker!

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant, naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tam? Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry. Thank you, Tom.

The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! - Mort/s mine! - Mort/s mine! Meant to be togetheri f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

I am a baby! I'm a baby now! Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President! This is Bluebird! Code Tango Niner Alpha! Abort launch! Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out. Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get Schwifty!

they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it overwith.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

Thanks, Dum-Dum. I said, "Thanks, Dum-Dum." Go get more. Summer, put your burqa on! That burqa is a human-rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top.

and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty.

Ooh! Owl, Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

J, Goodbye, moon men J, J, You say goodbye, moon men J, J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number. This is a fucking operation.

Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed. I then introduced the people ofthis world to the wonders of electricity in the form of a device I call a flooble crank.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you. Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off,

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J, My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

No! Stop! I hate this! Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son. Well, then I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame.

Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

Remove my penis!

That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers --

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through.

E, Coli outbreak.

Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then kill you.

And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and notjust some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die -- alone.

I love this man!

So, how much did we make? "We."

Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

I'm not looking forjudgment, just a yes or no --

J, Say it with me J, J, Head bent over J, J, Raised up posterior J, J, Oh, yeah J, J, Head bent over J, J, Yeah, raised up posterior J, Sing it with me now! Oh, my go-- J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right!

Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time.

You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this?

Marty, I already told you -- it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Marty, please, I love you, sweetheart. Oh!

J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you. All right, uh, let's go find my ship. Hey, hey, Marty, Marty, There it is down there -- My ship. It looks to me like the... Marty? Suck my dick!

Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract!

Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified.

It's getting weird.

Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Come on, Morty.

I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this. Okay. Hey, we agreed. Never in the house. That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh?

Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

I don't want to go to the dance alone. MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture.

Oh, no, no. The outside world is our enemy, Marty, We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days.

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J,

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

No! No! No! You little son of a bitch!

Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out.

And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend!

Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here. lfwe hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it, It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right? Wait a minute. l have an idea.

I guess ldid the Butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan? Oh, l-l get it. It's a play on "The Butler Did It." Thanks, Ghost In A Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

Now listen -- I need your help, Marty, I mean, we got -- we got to get -- get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Marty, I don't know, Rick. l-l can't leave school again. Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Marty? What do you think -- I can just do it all by myself? Come on! Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip History.

Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa!

Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. Oh, Okay. l squanch my family. Uh... What? I do. l squanch my family. Stop saying it. Grass, Come on in, guys. The guest are having cocksquanches.

J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else?

- Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers? - What happened to you? - Dad, get a job. You're trying to create drama because you're bored. Oh, It's the space phone Grandpa gave us, Hello? Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor. I can barely hear you.

While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand. There's -- there's a lot more where that came from, too.

So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s.

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

a hit song,

See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ...Morty waves, Um... because o-our personalities are so different? Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go.

MAN: And there's the approach. Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700? Uh... Hey, are you bored... - Uh... - ...konefy, fast making for a friend? Call me, Taddi Mason. /t's only , l, 99 a minute tc? ta/k - Uh... Sign up today, and iii even call you on a regular basis... - Uh... - ...forjust Sh 99 a minute.

Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuffjust healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you. Don't worry about it, Marty, Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?

Marty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem. Thank you, sweetie. Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob. No, we didn't, Dad. No, we didn't. RICK: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. He was a genius -- the only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park. Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. l-l-l-l believe I have the knowledge necessary to create an entirely new, much safer park.

Buckle up!

Hey, Marty, What? Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now? Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Y-y-you're a good kid, Marty, Y-you're a real I-Iittle c-character, Marty, Oh, boy, You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you?

No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point.

Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw!

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad!

First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified.

Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan? ALL: Remember the barbecue.

- Aaaah! - Holy -- - You monster! - Whoa. Bad tour.

Slow down! My man!

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J,

Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch.

Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

they -- they look like your friends, your family, your leaders, but they're not themselves anymore. They're part of...it. Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop! Called it,

Then I'll take one of those. I don't need the rest. God, whatever, Rick.

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device.

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Summer, we're trying to sleep. It was Tinkles! Tinkles?

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Oh, well, n-no problem, Brad. There's something special about you, Marty -- so special. Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never!

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe.

I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me!

Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe.

BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters -- those facts are who you are. So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is.

Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.

I'm scared, Rick. Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons, like that show "Doomsday Preppers." Not really my style, Marty, Besides, your home is most likely swarming with Ricks by now. All right, listen, Jerry. lf Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location. You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade?

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Hey, I'm notjudging. Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science.

We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved.

J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,

but...the truth is, it's -- it's more meaningful than that. MAN: My man! Yes. Thank you, sir. I...am...finally complete! My -- my -- my -- my man!

Daddy? Oh, my god, H-Hunter? Daddy? What the hell? Jesus Christ, cease fire! Stay back! H-H-Hunter? - Daddy. - Hunter! Oh, my dear, sweet god, Hunter. Oh, my boy, My boy,

This is why we do what we do. - Uh-Huh. - Ew! What the hell? Jesus! There's flies in my ice cream. Presidential decree -- All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs. What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer!

Ow! I got to tell you, this morning,

I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "Got milk? tt after all. Guess someone was wrong. Yes. Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife. Okay. Wait -- really? Yes. Yes! See you in 10 minutes! Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife!

W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

You know? So, uh, here -- here's what I say -- You can't learn anything until you learn ...how to chill. Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch. It's a good-a show!

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was?

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Do you have any thoughts? Notes? No. l-l just enjoyed it.

Whatcha doing? Watching some TV, playing on your phone? - Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with?

No, I'm okay. Whoa!

I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed. Marty, take the wheel! Whoa! Whoa! Geez! Damn it, Morty! Who taught you to fly this thing?

We're not on any time line, dummy.

Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again! You're never gonna see anything again, you little dummy! You killed us! God damn it.

but at this point, you're performing it on venison. Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

Holy cow, Rick.

You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point, you're performing it on venison.

You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other.

All right. There's six of us, and that's it,

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite?

Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J, Oh, man, Morty. I'm really sorry.

the movie tickets in the other, he's like, "I'm ready!"

J, Let me out, set me free J, J, I'm really old; this isn't me J, J, My real body's slowly dyin' in a vat J, J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J,

Ooh, boy, you're really, uh... - Ha-Ha! Ha! - J, It feels good J, You're really going for it over there, huh? l, uh ... I think, uh ... I think those people were just hiding. I don't give a shit! Okay, Morty, now you'rejust shooting corpses. How do you like this? Okay, buddy. All right. That's good. Good job. Time to go home.

Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it!

You broke your time twice.

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke! Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?!

My god's the biggest dick that's never existed. Why do you think I'm even here? You're here... because you created someone smarter than you. Oh, I thought we were both here because I created a universe of idiots,

It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 ofthese? Uh, what? An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game.

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty, just a few miles south of here. Okay. Let's go, then. W-W-We got to go get those crystals right now, Rick. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Marty, l-l can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know?

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here?

We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you. Take a good look down there, Marty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever,

I got ambitions, man.

So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know,

Whoa, man! What the hell was that?!

We're the only friends we've got, Marty, It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times.

How can Beth have these thoughts about me?! That judgmental monster bitch! I'm not taking this. I want to know where my wife is. You are going to help me. No! Nobody's doing that! Stay. What do you want?

Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait.

More wine?

What do you know?

You got to come with me. What's going on? I got a surprise for you, Marty, It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great.

What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty! Oh, really, Morty? Well, I'm sorry. I'm not the one who's so fucking uncertain about everything. You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this. I neverwant to see you again!

Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? Mmm! Oh, boy, Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Marty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers." I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome. It's not the same, Summer.

Wha?

What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles. I mean, they -- they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner.

Oh, I get it, Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. Mmm. l-l should be making you breakfast for putting up with me. You should be making us a whole restaurant. Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around. ljustwish I got to see more of you. Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137,

This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera.

Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.

There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline.

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

That came out wrong, That came out very wrong, Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me. We're playing Yahtzee. Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee. It's a fun game for fun families. Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second?

Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

but your eyes are so beautiful.

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that.

but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.

J, Ohh, it feels good J, Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to -- to Tony! Toni! Toney, P It feels good, yeah ' Look at my fucking feet, motherfucker! Whoo! Aw, yeah! J, It feels good J, Arthrisha, what do you got? Check this move out. ' Oh, it feels good ' Oh, ho!

I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, i-if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever.

I didn't ask to be born!

No, I'm Mr. Crowbar,

Because he's dead, too! Who else would we question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve,

J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J,

To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat. Confrmed

Here's the deal. I'm not here to judge. I'm just a guy from another planet. But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you. It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you, But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha?

Oh, my god! l-l-l thought you went to a concert! We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?! I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace!

Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

Go, go, go! Oh, my god, Oh, god, What are we gonna do now? FEMALE VC)ICE: i am unable to destroy this army, To clarity, iam quite able to destroy this army, but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures.

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.

Your vehicle -- Is it from the gods? No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what?

You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious!

Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty,

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming. Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life. Thejig is up! Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah!

I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank. But what they won't know is -- You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it,

I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. You have a whole planet making your power for you? That's slavery. It's society.

J, Cosmos without hatred J,

and...

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Slow down! Lookin' good. My man!

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

- Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move.

We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill -- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you knowwhat they say about that. Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains.

Leave him alone, Brad.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you.

You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick. Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch.

Heads up, Rapists.

No, you were shot like 50 times.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me.

Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man. WOMAN ON TV: i had sex with Billy. WO MAN #2: But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news.

This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know? At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging." And then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient." Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

Um...did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson? Shhh. Shush, Morty. ...a thing or two about -- Wait, what? Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry.

Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.

Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything? All right, okay!

Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist.

Y'all are just -- just -- just negligent. See, now -- now look right here. Hey, hey, hey, the three of you, put your collars on. - We have them on. - What are you talking about? - Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on.

Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with? It's cool. I'll be back in a sec. You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic!

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest.

There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light.

but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? lam in great pain. RICK: Marty, don't do it. Morty... undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous.

I will bring you other great alien advancements. Hey, lemme ask you something. Yes? Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, like, energy-wise. Anyone working on, say, a little universe in a box? How do you know about that? It's top secret.

Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!

J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J, "Mr. Bulldops"? Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working! J, Take a shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J,

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway. Emergency! Wounded deer coming in.

Oh, great adventure, buddy.

I consider it a violation.

He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are. lfwe would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because y-- because you're so in love with school. All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways? You ask a lot of questions, Marty, Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under--

Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

- So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

I've been inside a kid all day and, now, I can feel my bones scraping each other.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up, One last swing for the road!

I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four,

Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them.

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?!

So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math.

Here we go. We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space.

Yeah, baby! Summer, grab -- grab hold. Yeah, baby! Aaaah!

These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch!

Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Put some pants on! Put pants on. Grandpa's back, baby! Grandpa's -- Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents. They have been blowin' me up,

Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh? Grandpa! - Grandpa? - That sounds patriarchal!

We will find our peace in the next world, So, what -- y-y-y-y-you're just gonna give up? We're giving in -- to the power of the one true Marty, One day, he will return. TOGETH ER: Praise the one true Marty, Ugh. All right, Mortys, listen up,

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. Yeah, about going home, we can't -- ever. ALL: What?! Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me! Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! Yeah, H g-- I guess that is what happened,

Breaking news-- Shrimply Pibbles is being held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith. Remove my penis! SUMMER: - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? - Are you sure? - I don't know.

Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time. MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

Well, herwaistline isn't. Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free. You're saying I should leave Jerry.

It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops,

Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them. Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me.

WOMAN ON PA: The spider in sector "C" is still alive. Plan your route accordingly and expect delays. We ’re not telling you what to do. We ’re fast sharing how we feel, And now weather -- is anyone else cold, or is itjust me? I am Mar-sha, ruler of Gazorpazorp.

RICK: Marty, you're the worst, Marty,

Re-Really funny, Zeep. Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field, I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a blooble yank.

Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Boom!

Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real.

Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Marty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.

6,000 light years across the galaxy. Whoa, t-that's -- That's insane! Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

- Uh, we did. - We're not wearing collars. Exactly. 'Cause you're being obstinate. What? Put the damn collars on if you want to live. - They're on right now. - We did. They're on. All right, fine. Summer, Marty, put them on. - Yes, we're back! - No more cats! We're back in certain time. Problem solved. No more cats! Oh, you did it! - You fixed it, - Yeah, I did.

All right, third time's the charm. See what we got here. Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn't know that was a necessity, but... No, it's nice. I thinkthis might be it, Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !!

Well, don't just stand there, Marty, - Purge 'em. - Me? No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them? Pick up a stick or something and kill them. Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all.

Aah! Unh!

I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

but I live in it, Shit! What are we gonna do, Rick? We're so screwed. He's gonna get to the ship and smash the microverse, and then he's gonna kill us! Quick, Morty, you've got to turn into a car. - What?! - A long time ago-, I implanted you with a subdermal chip that could call upon dormant nanobots in your bloodstream to restructure your anatomy and turn you into a car. Oh, my god!

Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough.

Um... Pluto's a planet. Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me!

- Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide. Well, you can hide with us, Rick? - Yeah? - Do you think we could take -- - W-What's your name? - Arthrisha. Could we take Arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge?

rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp.

J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now. - Want some crackers? - No, thank you. Are you ready to be nice to me? In exchange for crackers?

Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my -- my Ferrari's in the shop. Ju-- just kidding. You're Marty, right? Yeah. You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Move it up, actually, if you can,

RICK: Huh. He's making himselfa sandwich now. Hey, everybody. So, this is my house. Just made a sandwich -- peanut butter and Jelly. Still here, still selling fake doors. M O RTY: What? Oh, my god, It's still the commercial. We have fake doors like you wouldn’t believe.

MR. BEAUREGARD: Then perhaps you shouldn't. Aww, Mr. Beauregard. Shall we, master Morty? We shall. Oh, wait, don't leave without letting Photography Raptor take a picture.

See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?! All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn't Earth? MORTY: Yes, because there's no Africa. Pssh. White people problems, Marty, Let's go down and check her out.

God damn it! God damn it!!

Oh, these guys are looking for us now, Earth Will be swarming with them. Us?! - Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to.

Dad, Grandpa and Marty are in danger. You're unemployed, and you're bored. - They're a higher priority. - Stop saying I'm unemployed! Okay, 7-7-19-,8--,364---2-1-1 2 -- Aah! Good lord! Now what? Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying. I'll leave it at that.

Is that still a thing? Hmm?

This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,

Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?

My man!

Ooh, am i feeling good,

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

Bet you're loving this, Marty, This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of l-Told-You Town.

J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

they set aside their previous lives as individuals. Give me a break. We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night.

Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

I just got expelled, Summer! Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young. My top! Screw your top! You ratted on me?! I'm Tiny Rick! Fine! Yes! Because I love you-, and I'm trying to save your life! High school is my life! Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd and she just got me kicked out of school!

You just gotta keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer. Who wants lemonade? Oh, yeah. Mmm! Oh! Delicious! Beth you're a treasure.

Top, My top!

Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once. Marty, t-tell your parents the square root of Pi, Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't. The square root of Pi, Marty -- go.

She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew. Please help me. You can reach me if you try. Please help me! That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving. Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas. Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray. No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music.

all the famous ones... they're gone. Dear god.

Get down. Hurry. Run. And that's when real Turbulent Juice is coming, and you got to take care of it. With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice.

I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck.

Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom.

Wait, what?

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.

Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes.

and your solution is to shoot the audience?

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.

This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?! My lust! My greed! l deserved this! This serum should counteract the negative effects. Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here.

It was a long six hours, but we've overhauled "Needful Things" into the globally-compliant web 4.0 "E-nomenon," n33dful.Com, spelled with threes instead of "E's." Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google!

Let me show you how it works.

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

The value of his subservience is wasted on you. I will use it to dominate the universe. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid, for you to be this stupid. Wouldn't it make more sense to put my dumbass husband in this chair, so you can make an army of your badass self?

Now, if you just stick with me, Marty, we're gonna be -- Holy crap, Marty, run!

You drive a hard bargain,

Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit.

Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am -- Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody?

Beth, do y-you still love me? Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? Yes. Are you gonna build them? No, Then what good was the "yes"?

Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay. Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick!

you might survive and I believe I, by myself, have a shot of getting out of here, but the two of us, together? I don't know. Look, maybe the shrink was right. Good luck. All right, now, you listen to me.

Mmm. Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham. Um, Merry Christmas. Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years. Can we stow the gadgets and look alive? Alive? For your parents? Mm, good one. Hey, man! You "Hey, man!" This holiday is about humanity.

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker! I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down! And always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews. I beg your pardon, Pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that's been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule! Nobody? Okay, tough church.

Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick. Glad you're safe, Jerry. What do you say we go home? I'd like that. Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126? Uh, I'm not sure. Marty, Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket. - What?! - Way to go, Marty, Eh, whatever. - Uh, w-wait. What? - Uh, w-wait. What? Come on, Jerry. All right. Come on, Jerry.

Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down.

Jerry!

J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J, J, Yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper J,

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex.

He's busy. Marty, can you hear me? Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park!

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got! Hold it, hold it, Stop. Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please!

this animal can't be transferred until the current attending physician verbally confirms their inability to provide adequate care.

You son of a bitch! Marty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help? Aah! Okay, I have a pen, Ga, 7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5. A spoon, Marty? - A spoon?! - I'm sorry. There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything?

Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!

and she's gonna end up stripping, isn't she? Yes, she is. She's gonna strip for attention because she was denied it. Stop filling it with your own insecurity. You're gonna turn it into Marty -- uh, mm -- more -- more -- more -- more of you. Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally ill scientist. What the -- aah! Aah!

Happy anniversary, Dad. Oh, I get it,

All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles. Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way.

There you are, Marty, Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Oh, geez, Rick.

Summer, I've always loved you!

Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats, but you get -- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put them in agonizing pain, that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. l fiddled with a concept like this once. On paper, Morty. On paper. I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like,

I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

This is for you, Daddy. Oh, man! Um, okay. Listen to me, Marty Jr, I've got to tell you something very important, okay? Killing is bad -- bad! You're silly, Daddy. No, Marty Jr, I'm being serious, okay? You need to put your energy into something else. I mean, what about dancing?

Where's the sex robot, Marty? That is Gwendolyn -- l-l mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed and tried to fly away! Strange -- that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Marty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

Nothing can stop Roy "The Rocket"! undefined Touchdown! I just think it's time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the Carpet Store? Roy? Had we caught it sooner -- Well, hindsight is 20120, Roy. What's important is that we move quickly.

Come on. Morty! - MORTY: - VAGINA: Are you okay? I'm fine! Oh, good. If anything ever happened to you, lwould kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-Mo! Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

"Dada." Domination!

Marty, Time to purge.

Rick! Rick! Rick! Wait. Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? I'm not saying that's a bad idea -- just asking. Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean?

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Holy shit. Marty? I haven't seen you in months! You're leading the tree people? Huh. That's a step up, We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris!

Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

M-my drink is empty.

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday!

...and third-level donors get our all-access family pass. Listen! The storm is stopping! J, Hey, take your pants off J, J, lt's schwifty time today J, Hmm.

[just want to know who could have done this. it’s a travesty, i did, See this knife and all the blood on it? Here 's my fingerprints.

No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

Way to go, Summer. You started a race war. I didn't start it! They're the racists. I -- I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now. Hey, wait -- what race are you guys? We're neither. S-see?

It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah! The nipple hole.

It's how things should be. It's how they could be.

It is un-unsinkable. Ooh!

Fuck that, Rick! We gotta kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little. "Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick. Marty ... you're acting like a ... freaking lunatic. Calm down. Screw you, Rick! l'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap! This has been a long time coming! I'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face!

Okay, then. That was always allowed.

Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

God damn it! God damn it!!

We'll have two Bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is Slippely-Slippery Stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels. 25 shmeckels? l-l-l don't know how much -- I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

MORTY: I think you're getting what you wanted, Summer. Something's happening to Unity.

and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty,

Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue. Really? You're looking real good. Oh, my god. - Hey, Marty, - Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica. So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...? No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school.

None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

l’m Ants in My E yes johnson, E verything's black. i can't see a thing. And also, i can't feel anything, either. Did i mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. i can 't feel, it’s a very rare disease. All my -- all my nerves, they don 't allow for the sensation of touch,

Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

Rubber baby baby bunkers!

That's the end, motherfucker!

I'm flattered and humbled. Oh, I like that. Use that in your speech. Also, talk about Pluto being a planet. People like that. Your highness, we've captured Scroopy Noopers. You animals! Animals! Ooh, look who's little journey's come to an end.

Um, first of all, hello.

Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it, God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure.

TOGETHER: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls.

Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, Old-Lady Science, you know? She's a real -- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she -- she -- she bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

Hi l’m a trunkperson, and i want -- i feel love in my heart, too, fast like you. i wanna be able to express that love with both a man and a woman. And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople.

MORTY: Jerryboreel? You created a day care for my Dad? Are you kidding? lwish I had this idea. Well, I did have this idea, but I wish lwas the version of me that owned it. That guy's rich. Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off, Trust me, Marty, I've heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth.

You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time!

No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified!

- What?! - Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit. That's it! Whoa, whoa, Marty! Give me that. You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down! Marty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing. I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit.

There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time!

Welcome to your nightmare, bitch!

Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith from the planet E-Arth. My heart is pounding. This is gonna be great.

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day! It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up,

J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside J, J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold,

And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine. Oh, yes. Dad, can I have my phone back? A sure, sweetie. Here. Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax. This is nice. Yeah. Look, I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob.

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

The moon -- it comes crashing into Earth.

I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.

And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

Huh? Wait a minute. - Great. - Rick! What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck. - Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch.

endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away. Why not? I don't know. lt's Indian giving. A sophisticated predator, nature 's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill,

Good luck.

Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

They're making you into a Mount Rushmore. They made burgers! Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used.

Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes...

So, let's say 60 smidgens.

Whoa! Summer?!

We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez!

You're a good kid, Marty, Those Mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do all kinds ofthings with them. It's gonna be great, Marty, All kinds of science. Okay, next through. Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine.

Music isn't about competition or captivity. lfyou love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free! Please! Disqualified. There's one every season.

It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No! Let me ask you a question, Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch!

A cocky Marty can lead to some big problems.

I think they're just good guys. Oh, Huh. RICK: Where's Dr. Bloom? I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead. God damn it, Morty. I ask you to do one thing!

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

I'm talking about Mega seeds.

I would love to see it, - Fuck You. - What did you say to me?!

...ovenless brownies! Mmm. Mmm! It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order. Well, come on. I can't take allthe credit, Jerry. It was youridea. Come here, Jerry!

but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart.

Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick. You're a pretty great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for shooting my liver. I'll see you around. Oh, man. What -- What happened? Don't worry about it, Marty, Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up, Now's your last chance. Hey, hey, Arthrisha, um, maybe I could -- Uh, l have a boyfriend.

You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. Here's some porn. And there's an alien towel. I actually got that on another planet. So it is an alien towel to me. - Good luck. - Thanks.

which is why my clothes are better than all of yours. A man made something fashionable? It's true, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using the wrong color foundation for your skin and it ends at your neck, making you look like a party clown. Okay, ouch. Noted. But the fact remains...

Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have traveled across the galaxy. I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium. Very well. Your exile ends today. Welcome home, Water-T.

Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother--

NO wrong answers.

We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors. Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah!

Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to -- I'm gonna have a bruise! lt's picture day!

Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh. That's why you never invite a Floopy Doop and a Shmoopy Doop to the same party. Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh, Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit.

That's it, Rick! l'm pulling the lever. W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty,

Pull the fucking trigger! Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. What the hell?

Jessica.

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

- Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither.

ALL: Hey! We're right here. We're fine. Oh, that was awesome. My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? M-my drink is empty.

Here's another quick mystery. - My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder.

Um, um, um, um! Open fire! Aah! Stupid-ass, Fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker. Move! Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?

But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years. Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. You are gonna draw me. Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

You know, you're -- you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know? You and Unity are like -- like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put, Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks? U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff.

I like your feathers.

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeabie ways F Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus, " i use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers.

They changed it in 2006,

What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.

Disqualified.

Fun facts about this one --

No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything.

Well, that's retarded. What are you talking about? Apparently, nothing. You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you? No! It's not. Shut up, Rick. Whoa. I don't care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet, planet, planet. Stay scientific, Jerry.

Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Huh. I thought I entered the code right.

JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah,

Uh, all -- all right. All right. Hold -- hold on. Ahh! So good. Oh, my god, They're walking up the driveway.

That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out? Uh, no thank -- Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here? Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'Nam.

www.rickandmortyadventures.

I hate video games! You take that back! Give it to me!

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat?

I can roll with that. - My nana! - Huh? My nana! We have to save her! You just now remembered your nana exists. H was traumatized.

J, Head bent over J, Yeah. J, Raised up posterior J, All right! J, Head bent over J, Oh, yeah. Raised up posterior!

Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as, because we are real and we are functional. That's what makes us better than them. We can find solutions. We can adapt. We can communicate.

NA RRA TOR: Today on "How They Do lt".,

Not people, Marty -- Mortys.

and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged.

Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"? He dumped me.

I don't give a shit!

Emergency! Wounded deer coming in. Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here. I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. - Nurse, please move that snake. - That's my nurse. And as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs.

My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.

So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick, if you're so much smarter than them? It's an obsession for them at this point. The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead ofthem. Aha! Here we go. Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips.

Are you guys kidding me?

MORTY: Oh! Oh! Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people.

Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick.

Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah! Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now, calling you on a space phone. JERRY: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Aah!

I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world,

Give us one second. Were you born with your feet in your mouth? l was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 'cause you need to cut me some slack...s. I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody. Maybe... I... will.

Hey, Summer, haven't seen you at flute practice in a while.

J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel that I can see your soul? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J, J, I want it real J,

Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific?

What the fuck did you do, Summer?! It was your ship! Your stupid ship did it! - Don't blame my ship! - It melted a child! My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to! I don't want to hear it, Summer! Your boobs are all hanging about,

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.

Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be?

Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming. Screw this. I'm out.

Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

Looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery. We're gonna have to go inside.

Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads! Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President! Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles!

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?!

JERRY: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk.

Oh, Okay. S-S-Sorry.

triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years. Let's not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants? Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got.

When we get to Customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt? Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit. Oh, geez, Rick.

We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge. Ooh, is it Taddi Mason? Like the movie "The Purge"? Yes, l-l need you to take -- That movie sucked. Oh, my god. Hold on. It's not Taddi Mason? Dad, who the fuck is Taddi Mason? - My friend. - Aah! Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker. Taddi? Yes, Jerry, it's Taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now,

Alien prisoners under the house. N i c e ' Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal -- God damn it, stop,

Oh, what the hell?! I know, right?

Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now. - Marty! - Rick, I didn't do anything. I sat through his entire screenplay -- You "sat through it"? Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy?

I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Marty? MORTY: Okay, okay, you got me on that one. Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? No, no. I haven't seen that.

Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life.

Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real?

Shut up, Morty, you vindictive little turd! You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either

my interdimensional portal device -- it's got no charge left, Marty, It's got no charge left. What?! It's as good as garbage, Marty, It's not gonna work anymore, Marty, Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? l-l have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home? There's ways to get back home, Marty, It's just -- it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through lnterdimensional Customs,

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun,

I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me! You're not the victim here! I hate you, and lwas thinking about your friend Grace! Aaaaaah! Ah, Master Rick. Rememberwhen you weren't going to shoot me?

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you?

and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked. Exhibits? Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. RICK: Watch it. It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases.

You got to hide me, sleepy Gary. Don't worry. I have a plan. lfwe can get to my boat, there's a -- No. No! Just send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary.

Goddamn it,

l'm Rick.

You shut up, you big female asshole!

- My mother's dead, - And i killed her. Here's the weapon, and cuff me. Thank you very much. Guilty, Sentenced to murder. - Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? Uh, yeah, just masturbating! I forgot to mention,

There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons.

I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"?

Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!!

Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?

Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right.

You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

Wha?

It's also the same as doing nothing. lf Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him. That's why he does it for a living. Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score,

Rats! What a shame. Marty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out. You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why? Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty! You know, h-how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back,

Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!

Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

You fucking kidding me, Marty?!

Rick!

RICK: Oh, my god. Get in the ship, sweetie. What? Get in the goddamn ship!! Everything's on a cob!! The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10!

and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on.

Y-you know what those guys do in -- in -- in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other.

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again. Geez, Rick! You can't say f-- "'F' you" to your granddaughter. ljust did, Marty, Here's dessert. Fuck you.

Give it to me! Ugh! l-l-l didn't mean -- I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I can't take this anymore! I'd rather breathe poison... than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop!

We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!

I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

I just got bored.

sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover. GRANDFATHER: No, no, no, no, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them -- Sometimes from a chair and sometimes from a closet, almost always dressed as Superman. Oh, Jerry, this ham has got to be all you, right?

We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again?

Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two.

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on? How come our collars aren't green? Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on, and one of me is stuck trying to help him. Don't blame this on me. You're the one that couldn't fix a latch. What are you talking about? It's not broken, Marty, I fixed it, Just put it on. It won't close. It's broken. Fine, bring it here. Oh! Rick! Marty!

Hey, look, cops, J, I will let you down J, Good morning. J, I will make you hurt J,

Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!

I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink?

That was oxygen.

Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool! I'm sorry, okay? How can you be such a bitch? Oh, my god, Morty. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick? Talk about self-destructive. Yeah.

l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?!

Ugh! Take a showerwith me, Marty, What?! Listen to me, Marty, Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now,

I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

No. Yes. So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "Wait, what? This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?" Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?

Aaah!! Aaaah!! God damn it! God damn it!!

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

Unity's not into other hive minds. It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here. BETA SEVEN: Weapons systems engaged. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie. We are, Marty, All right, Beta shit Seven,

Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico.

Umm...

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

J, Is anybody listening' J, J, Can anyone understand? J, J, Stop lookin' at me like that and actually help me J, J, Help me; I'm gonna die! J,

This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song, The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved life-forms. All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people, Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"?

Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No!

Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm Reverse Giraffe. l have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai. Hai! I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

But my, uh -- My father kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager. And there was violence and, uh, threats of poison gas -- but also dancing.

I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick.

Whoa! What the hell?! W-w-where am I?! What in the hell?! 55 years. Not bad, Marty, You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase. W-where's my wife?! Marty, you were just playing a game. It's called "Roy." Snap out of it. Come on. I'm Marty, You're Rick. Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people! Look at this -- you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo!

Thanks. Hey, you know, lwas thinking, you know, I might watch a movie. I am not programmed for friendship. Suit yourself.

Rick, why would you let Marty bring that thing into our house?! I don't know. What do you want from me? He thi-- he thou-- he thought it looked cool. You know what I mean? Whew! Ahh, All right. Back to -- back to -- b-back upstairs.

That's... stupid.

Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do i-i-i-i-it! Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis.

Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper. And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior! The cone-nipple people will rule this world! You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards. What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of shit.

Uh, no, i-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry. Aah! So...

I got ambitions, man. Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you.

You heard the man, horse doctor. You have to say you couldn't hack it,

I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded,

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space.

I love it. Marty Smith. l'm Scroopy Noopers. I'm a scientist. Can I show you something? Uh, I better not. Right now. The center of Pluto, Mr. Smith, is made of a substance called "plutonium." mines like these suck plutonium up to the cities,

You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Marty, You know, w-w-w-what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then -- Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties!

Well, it's good you're here, Rick. l was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes to deal with a bloodsucker on our own, Don't short-sell yourself, Summer. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun... to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that?

Aah! Huh? What the fuck?

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh! You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right.

Hmm. Human music. I like it, Rick!

Bad person. Bad. Ooh, great plan, Jerry. Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.

Geez, I can't believe we found a version of Earth with a "Ball Fondlers" movie franchise. I can't believe the things this reality considers PG-13. - Yeah, l-l'm pretty jealous. - Don't be, Marty, There's pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one -- It's got giant, telepathic spiders, 119/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!

- I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

J, It feels good J, J, It feels good J, J, I feel it all in my soul J, J, It feels good J, Geez. Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it. Never expected that out of you.

How long are you staying? Until we find your Rick. I found mine. I found mine. Help! There is no escape, my son. We will find our peace in the next world,

Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal!

What? Why didn't you notify us? I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather? Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating? Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. Summer?

Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.

When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.

Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch." Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone!

I know, right?

My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean?

Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing!

Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside King Jelly Bean's closet. We have to tell the people. Wait. Destroy it.

Suck my dick! P It feels good '

Welcome...

You don't fuck with time! Motherfucker!

technically, the second freezer drawer is mine.

Okay, well, we're still not gonna let you out ofthis crate. Fine. I'll just do it myself. If you could get out that whole time, why didn't you? Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Marty, That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds. You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt.

I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah. Is that what it's called? "Cuisine"? Wow! Hey, everybody Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs -- one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory. I'm gonna miss you, Snowball.

D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you? I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

Okay, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to get schwifty. Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States!

This is.

All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families.

Class dismissed. Geez.

Was I supposed to think the poop bunny left them?

Let go of me! Marty!

It's beyond your reasoning. You're beyond our reasoning! Takes one to know one. Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's. What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius.

Oh shit.

AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

You're the one who wanted to be -- wanted me to buckle down and make you up a,,, roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're --

Any of your, uh, scientists working on anything new? All of them. That's their job.

He died.

I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu -- you know, t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me! What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? T-T-T-The serum is piggybacking on the virus. It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick?

Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!

Bringing you guys in is my ticket up, What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you? You really think I'm that stupid? All right, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Okay, well, then that means there's a 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you. I cannot argue that. Aaah!

Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh, my God. W-what's wrong? Your idiot dog! Oh, he -- he didn't mean it, Dad. D-did you, Snuffles? You're a good boy, Don't praise him now, Marty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad! Marty, come on. I need your help tonight. Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick.

Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles. l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones,

Oh!

I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame!

Take that, Summer! We're trying to sleep.

still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed. No bother. The mortals shall soon -- I'm sorry, what did you say his name was? - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name? No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane. Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit?

J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on Earth?! REVERSE GIRAFFE: Maybe.

You know, geez, Rick! Y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt. - Holy! - A monster! Hey, you -- Hey, quit yelling. Quit yelling. What the fuck yourtime is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time twice. How did this happen? Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here. Don't fall for it, It's a bit. Just kidding! Ha, ha! You fast got Ricleyd. You’ve reached Ricks voicemail, You know what to do. f beep ] Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings.

Quite an operation you got going here, Une. You're a whole planet now, huh? After we broke up, I spent some time wandering through space. Then I found this world... ...where l was better able to focus on my passion for unification. You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up,

You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.

l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love --

No, Marty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive.

But then, when they made the movie, Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- - or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality, too? I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Marty, What, you think I'm a -- I'm --

You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.

Time to go another dream deep, Marty! What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty.

MAN: Did you get any ofthat? MAN: It's a good show.

You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

- Oh, are you kidding me? - Geez, what's going on?

Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before. RICK: Well, look at that old lady. She's -- she's walking a cat on a leash. Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. Look, l-l-l don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Marty! She's an idiot!

Didn't you say time goes more slowly in the miniverse relative to the real world? Yes, Chris. Thanks for reminding me ofthat. Great President. All right, let's go. Whoa-Oh! Hold on to something. I put an unbounded vacuum inside a temporal field until a world developed.

it’s a 45-horsepower with antiiock brakes, and " the official car of "Mr, Sneezy 3D. " it’s the brand-new Sneezy XL. The horn, when you honk it, makes a sneeze noise. it’s polite, " right,

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough.

reportedly at large somewhere within the gear system. Son of a,,, Why were the Gromflamites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you? I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. That was oxygen. ladded 71 protons to it.

What a life. Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic.

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs,

What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft... How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Marty,

You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you. Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp, Haven't we spent enough time on you? I'm performing surgery-, but not on a horse -- on a human. JERRY: That's great, Beth. You always wanted to be a real surgeon.

Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? Why did all the drinks have to be extra large?

Oh, shit, dawg. My portal gun was hacked remotely, Marty -- obviously by the real killer, to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on. Let's go. Uh-oh. Excuse me. We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.

I mean, g-- W-W-W-W-W-- w-- are you kidding me, Marty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a little creep, Marty, Y-You're a -- you're -- you're -- you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what?

You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We -- you're a real true hero out in the field. You're a Ii-- you're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty? Have you been drinking, Rick? I really appreciate you, Marty, O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick -- you little son of a bitch! Y-y -- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

See you next week, everybody.

Um, w-we come in peace. Oh, my god, There's more where that came from! You want to get purged, you bring it! Drop drop your shit! Drop it all. Marty, go get their shit. Hurry up, I only had one ofthose things I threw. I'm holding a box of Tic Tacs right now.

Hey, Marty, you want to go on a,,, oh. Hey, Beth. Hello? Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

Listen, you can't both be in denial about it, Okay, bye. Summer! You can't throw a party! Rememberwhat mom said? Yeah, if anything gets messed up, you and Grandpa Rick get punished. I'm only a human being, Marty, Rick, tell Summer she can't have a party! Uh, Summer, you can't have a party. Because I'm having a party, b-i-i-i-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't!

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee! Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's-a good-a show!

Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ!

You know, people are gonna kill each other. So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that i-if -- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, - You don't click on it? - No! Why -- Why would I do that? You do that? I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Marty, But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuffthem down and --

Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am.

He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later. I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child.

Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your -- your parents and I are very disappointed in -- in this behavior.

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10! Run, Marty! Before the system reboots!

Get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! Oh shit! Everybody back! lfyou're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. So what about Summer? Why am I always your go-to? Never go in my room again. I didn't! She's real.

Running in a Van from an Asteroid and All Sort of Things: The Movie, " Hold on. There's more. Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie. And they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're -- they have a strong bond.

Rick? Summer? Stupid motherfucker! You stupid bitch. Stupid motherfucker! How do you like that? How do you like that?

Annnd during that time,

Can you blame him?

She's real. She's my bitch of a sister. Nice. Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh. - Oh! God! Mom! - Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to --

Suck my huge dick!

you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me "Gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face." No! Not twigs!

Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, crap. Grandpa Rick! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Grandpa Rick! Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener? I want to go home. Yeah, no duh. Ugh!

Yeah! You know, I mean... it's different from the stuff on Earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to -- to remember all those trips by, It'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir. You know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know?

Na,

All right, fine, Marty, you party pooper buzzkill!

For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

Yeah, and you know what? I like high school. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick! But what if the you that likes it isn't you? Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty,

You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated! Well, simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault.

You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you won't be around to see it through. You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic.

Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse. Ugh!

That's all you are.

Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister. Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!

l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?

Sex is sacred!

You bastard! Much obliged. - What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me. You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack! Are they not really aliens?

SUMMER: Bye, mom! Bye, Dad! MORTY: Drive carefully! Have fun, you two.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering -- No, l'll G-- I'll get your info from Summer.

No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. No!

W-What -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys? They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls. Poor little Rickless bastards.

Oh shit.

That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family?

Do it! Do it! Remove my penis!

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky. - Children of God! - Ah-ta-ta-ta! Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that,

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it. J, X gonna give it to ya J, J, What? J, J, Wait for you to get it on your own, X gonna deliver to ya J, J, Knock knock, open up the door, it's real J, J, With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel J, J, Go hard, getting busy with it J, J, but I got such a good heart that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it J,

Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy --

So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah.

We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick. Worst-case scenario --

Wait! It's okay! Never mind! I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway! They're -- they're chewing through the doors! We're in the areola, Rick -- almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

You always wanted to be a real surgeon. I am a real surgeon. Uh... Summer's turn. Finally. I don't see anything. Well, you should select a different timeline. I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born. That came out wrong, That came out very wrong,

They could have gone into any one of these. San of a,,, - Oh, geez. - We lost 'em. Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please. Cellphone.

Oh, my god! Please, Dad! Come on! J, Runnin' wild, runnin' hot,

I remember it differently. This is like that. You can't make people like you. You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. You know, you're right.

MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty? Oh, man, what's going on? Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Marty,

Look. This shit is delicious.

J, With the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide J, J, You're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth J,

What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

Do it! Do it, motherfucker!

Rename them? Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. NO wrong answers. Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Uh, l-l'm just doing my best.

All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship.

Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick. Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.

I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water.

Seems like something terrible happened here. Yep. Cha-ching. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it. Give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship. undefined Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks. That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

Alexand--

I will mess with time. Iwill mess with time.

You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out.

Come here. No! Stop! I hate this!

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space.

something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in the simulator. Okay, Jerry -- big pitch meeting, You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department? Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions!

Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college. Rick, a word? What the hell was that? I know. "eek barba dirkle"? That's a pretty fucked up "ooh la la." No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here?

I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but ifthose memories can't be trusted, then... Jerry, just say it, Sleepy Gary, how do we know Wm real? Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there,

- Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

That's planning for failure, Marty,

BETH: So, Dad, guess what tomorrow is,

Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

"Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word?

This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea. Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry.

It's time for the quiz.

Run, Marty! Run!

J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry. Yeah, yeah. I got it. That's okay. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Try again and keep your head down.

Hey, golf is easy now! Aah! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard again!

l-l-l heard about a little bit of news myself. Take a look. T-Take a listen. Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

And away we go. Huh, what do you know. It's working. - Ow, ow, ow! - Oh shit. What the hell is wrong with you two? l-l-l-l mean you four! BOTH: That hurt! That was painful. Good, I'm glad it was painful. You deserve it.

Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that. Don't overreact, Rick. Sleepy Gary, a word? Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster.

What the hell was that?!

It's the middle of the night. I got a surprise for you. Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard. I got a surprise for you, Marty, What do you what do you think of this flying vehicle, Marty? I built it out of stuff I found in the garage. Yeah, Rick, it's -- it's great. Is this the surprise? Marty, I had to -- I had to do --

J, Lay it, lay it down J, J, Let me see your hand J, J, Show me what you got J,

What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.?

If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict. All right, okay, okay, okay, wrap it up, You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees!

I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "Cape Fear."

Screw that. I don't wanna get sick.

Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you. Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.

Battle stations!

- Jerry -- - I want to go home! Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. But here's what's gonna happen.

Wubby lubby doob doob!

Give us one second.

tn the news today, this tooks a tot worse than it is. We ’re reallyjust having a good time. Karen F Thanks, Todd, Up next, are you a concerned grandchild or fast a buzzkill? We W te// you how you can know for sure. I think you two are a little outnumbered. Okay, well, what if you did it for me? What if you came with us as a favor to us because you love us?

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Here's another quick mystery.

this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.

I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that. We're gonna be okay, Rick. How? They took my portal gun.

Say goodnight, old man. What the hell are you doing?! Put it down! Summer, you bitch!

Sh-- Obviously -- You really know nothing about car repair. Wait for the ramp, Marty, They love the slow ramp. Really gets their dicks hard when they see this ramp just slowly extending down. Greetings!

You shut up, you big female asshole! Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa!

Summer, I've always loved you! Yep.

Didn't you get our text message? TOGETHER: No!

This next one's coming straight from the heart. Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head.

Oh, no! Holy crap! Whoa! It's Hepatitis C! Um...wait --

So good luck with your shitty marriage,

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee!

What was -- what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Marty, And now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. There you are, Marty,

They teach kids about me in school. I dropped out of school. It's not for smart people. Ohhhh, snap!

Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally. Rick, you gotta stop -- Marty! Have you met Gearhead? - Hey, how's -- - Marty here, he -- he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

Scanning assailants, Psychological option detected. Gestating. "Gestating"? Come out with your hands up, or we will be forced to open fire! - Incoming! - We got a device! Bomb! Bomb!

which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls. I've heard enough. Run, Marty! Unh-unh. Not you.

Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography Raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer. Uh, dad, that's like 10 people. 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at? Here, Rick! Use me!

Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! ALL: Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Stupid!

Here's where I am.

2003 just called. It wants its easy target back. Ohh. He's like a little me! Y-You don't think he'll turn into a monster... do you? They always do. Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back! Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort? Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die!

Shall we, master Morty? We shall.

All right, listen, you two. We froze time for a pretty long time, so when l un-freeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize. Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean? It means relax and stop being a pussy, Marty, Uh, I thought you learned that by now.

RICK: Oh, this is perfect, Marty, Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day.

Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first. I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics. i mean, there's so many ants in my eyes.

Strike one.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too. You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us, You know, w-we all remember you as a friend. Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage.

It's gone airborne, Marty, Oh, crap. What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Marty, relax. lwhipped up an antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA.

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick. Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. - Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

God damn it, stop, Wake up, people! You have to fight it! You're under the spell of an evil monster!

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,

You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!

But let's make it interesting, Marty,

Ah, Isn't it beautiful? Yeah, yeah. Looks like payday at Neverland Ranch in here. Zing! That guy got it. Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet. You're missing my symphony. Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it!

MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.! You're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you? You -- oh, yeah. You're my special little guy. Ohh. Ohh! Ha ha! Da, What was that, Marty Jr.? Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death! "Dada." Domination!

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy! The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty!

The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other. Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago! I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?

You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two.

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Whoa! Geez, Marty, purge it down a little.

Roy?

Oh, my God, so embarrassing.

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them. We're outnumbered. Get in the cupboards. Wait, don't -- don't do that. They'll know. Wait, wait. Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really. Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?!

Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?

All right, let's go. MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.

This serum should counteract the negative effects.

Y-- remember that? After "The Hulk" musical? Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, And foam fists don't make you strong. I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did. Why couldn't I bring my portal gun?

It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good '

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

Stop, Tiny Rick. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

I hope it pleases you as the Head desires. That's wonderful, Summer. We're so proud of you. But obviously you don't have to make dinner every night. Of course I do, silly! Oh, my god, daddy! I'm sorry I called you silly! I I'm so sorry! Heavenly Heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community.

so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? I remember it differently.

O h, my god!

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc? Hey, Tammy was cool! And now we know why. Because of you! Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

Saved your ass. All right, Morty.

Oops. I dropped one. Don't worry about it, Marty, There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

You tried to kill yourself.

Oh, hey, Morty! H-Have you met my buddy Scropon? Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Marty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed. Have a little perspective.

Dumb Name.

And within a day, he'll be an adult male Gazorpian -- one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe. Wait a minute -- we're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet. You speak when you're spoken to, ding-a-ling! It's true, though -- one of your babies was born on Earth.

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum! Just give up, Marty, J-J-J-- this is game over. I'll take us home right now.

All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families.

I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought. MORTY: What the hell? RICK: Out ofthe frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Marty?

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Marty! - Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th-- but that's not how it went down! Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that. Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straight fonIvard and fun.

Ow! All right, Marty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Are you happy now, Marty? Heck, yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick. Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack? Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof.

- don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

Look at me. Yay! Look. We're gonna dance. Come on. Join -- dance with me here. We love to dance. Why do we love to dance? 'Cause I said so! BOTH: Nice.

lfwe're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simp-- I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman! Beth!

I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery,

Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty! Nobody's killing me... until after I catch my wife with another man.

It's getting weird. Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both vely guilty. Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Marty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Marty, You know, i-i-i-it'll be really easy to rape us after that.

All we have to do is go out and find us some Kalaxian crystals. Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Marty,

We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to Earth? FEMALE VOICE: 765 known planets. How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? Three. See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfucking world?!

- Oh -- oh, yeah? - Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

You know how long a second can take in a microverse? Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes.

Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think l have one ofthese? That's it, Photos. Hard evidence. You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole. Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine. All l have are pictures of me and my friends from school.

J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole.

Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right? Hey, I don't eat poop! Y-You guys are always so mean to me.

It's not that, it's just that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. Aah! What up, my Helsings? Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha! Rick? How -- How did you -- Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered, this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought, "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself,

W-what the hell is he talking about? They're free to go, is what I meant. l-l-l'm deconstructing our -- our -- our thing we say. For giants. Nobody got that? Whatever. Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Marty, looks like the portal gun's still working.

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Beat his ass! Get him! Beat him up! - Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good,

No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat. No! No! Ow!

Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues. He's playing you, shorty. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up,

undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right.

He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.

f speaking Arabic ] Marty) Where is Marty?

You'll be taking most of their energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, It's show- ... time. You do realize this will make the flooble crank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery.

RICK: Can't wait.

It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Marty, Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look -- that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. MORTY: I don't know, Rick.

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Marty, I never go back to the carpet store. Holy shit! This guy's taking Roy off the grid! This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob.

Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something. Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.

You know, you're not being very supportive of Birdperson on his big day. Birdperson's big day, Marty, was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon against the Gromflamites! This? This is a losing battle.

you know, in exchange for food.

The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.

l’m gonna eat every last one of them, because -- and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody Will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they'll be all inside my stomach. Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sner-- little-people snibbles. l’m keeping them all for me. Mmm. Mmm.

Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick! - Geez. - P It feels good ' You want to get in on this, Rick? No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.

Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Marty,

My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips. Steven, set yourself free. Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.

Listen to me, you arrogant little -- R-Rick was hoping to see your new energy source. I think he could learn a lot from you, Zeep. Fine. It's hard for people to grasp, but inside that container is an infinite universe with a planet capable of generating massive amounts of power.

It's a good-a show!

What are you doing? Um... Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her? Well... I mean, Iwas thinking about it, Dude, stay in your league.

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies.

Ohhhh, snap! Listen to me, you arrogant little --

"Morning"?

Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure!

Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy? - lt's terrible! - Whoa Marty! We're guests here. I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me! - I'm taking down this beacon. - No, stop! That's not fair! Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person! Aah! You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive?

Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain.

no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Nicky was the reason we found that old Nazi submarine. Did that not even happen? Well, of course it happened. Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the Fourth Reich! This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick. Hey, we got a word for Nazis back in Brooklyn, pal.

You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop. - So, that's the guy, huh? - Yeah, that's him. Hey, man. Remember me? I got something for your ass. Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time!

Jesus.

It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something. Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move.

You see what we just stumbled upon, Marty? Any idea what that is down there? The Mega trees? That's right, Marty -- the Mega trees with the Mega fruit on them. And that's what I'm talking about, Marty, That's where my seeds are.

Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial. Well, Marty -- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little. Pedal to the metal, Marty, in a world where muscular Mannies are coming,

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

and fuck me for letting my guard down, which Iwill never do again.

Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one ofthe possibilities rather than merge them.

You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy! The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us, Phones a la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls. Anything else? Yeah, more phone sticks, please. Right away, sir.

H was traumatized. Haven't you been through like 15 purges? I mean, some as a child? Will somebody just help me get her? Fine, whatever. Marty, stay.

Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please. White people. No, no, no, no. Black people. And hispanic on half.

Don't...mess...with time! You don't fuck with time!

but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot! Evidence! Good idea. Scan his portal gun! Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal-gun history. We -- we all go to weird places.

It should neutralize the whole thing, Marty, lt'll all be over very shortly. Uh, by the way, Marty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically. Marty!

Wh-what do you think, lce? Probably a little overdeveloped. Shit, overdeveloped, underdeveloped -- A bad song's a bad song, Well, do you think, maybe -- Could you give me some help with it, or...? Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? lce, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything,

The difference is lwould never do it, until now. Rick, what the hell are you doing? Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's -- he's gonna be coming for you. Who? Me! Aah! - Whoa! - You see that? Get down! I told you, he's a psycho. He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must have made him crazy! - I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do!

That was all a test, Marty, Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. It was? Sure. Why not? I don't -- I don't know. You -- you know what, Mo-- S H l P ', Neutrino bomb armed.

Hey, Zeep, the fake president of your fake world has something fake important to show you. MAN: It's not much now,

W-what are you talking about? It's all fake Marty -- all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of crazy fake nonsense, Marty, I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity.

Up next, teenagers are calling it And " not what you think.

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

Were you gonna say, "Dada"? Say, "Dada." Death!

Show me what you got. Jim, you heard the...said -- "Show me what you got." Show me what you got. I want to see what you got.

RICK: I gotta tell you, Zeep, with no disrespect, I really think what you're doing here is unethical. It's not cool. What?! Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse!

Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card. She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,,

Remember that whole thing? Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty -- pretty -- That's true. That's right. Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

"Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty,

Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sans, Zip! This guy is on it! He's not laughing at your dumbjokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds. You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty. It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Marty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it. l was just trying to do right. Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.

When we klii him. BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.

Come on. Are you kidding me? Hello! Marty! You're not Marty! Bring us Marty!

- Is that the vegan place? - Yeah, I love their soup,

Actually, I've decided not to eat it, All this fear and conflict -- I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec-room wall. She normally works on horses. Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here. I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back! Jesus.

Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now, Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? Well, what are we going to do?! We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist! You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together. Aaah! Well, this is just bad couples' therapy. Totally.

To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

What a mess. Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved. What is that? Hand me the laser difibulator.

Rickjust needed my help is all. Marty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable ofjudging these situations on your own, What are you trying to say about Marty? That he's stupid or something? Oh, don't high-road us, Dad. You know fully well that Marty is the last child that needs to be missing classes. l-l-l don't know what you mean by that. Can -- can -- can you be a little bit more specific?

57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill!

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.

Listen to me, Marty, I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull -- that's how we grow as people.

Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get -- Oh! What the. ..? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?!

Let's go down and check her out. Oh, I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one's a little small. All right, uh, maybe -- Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one's bigger.

Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God! J, That you'll never see J, Oh, god, what is life? How can someone so talented die so young? What is being young? I'm not young. I'm old. I'm -- I'm gonna die. My body isn't real.

"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day. The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story,

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

And " not what you think. What are you -- What did you do that tar? Dramatic effect. Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? Yes, we discovered a species oftiny pig off the coast of New Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west. We'd offer you some, but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast.

Marty, open your eyes. There is no "They." These poor people's bodies are being used. They're a planet of puppets. - I can hear you. - Ugh. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else.

Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole!

Hey, there's no... dangers or anything, or side effects, right? W-W-W-What am l, a hack? Go nuts, Morty. It's foolproof. Eh, unless she has the flu.

Up next, the heat is turning up with Samantha and the Boys on "The Northsiders. "

Yeah, you're still doing it. It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up, Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it. Pretty simple, right? I need food. Who's got food for that guy? I do, but this is for me. Can't you make some more? Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone,

We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot! You can run, but you can't hide, bitch! Hold on, Marty, Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we cant hide. I say we try hiding.

I like it, Rick! Uhp, uhp, uhp! Marty, keep your hands off your ding-dong!

Oh, man, Rick!

We don't have time for this, okay? I need anaesthetic and deer saline. Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting, or euthanizing them, or also when eating them at also any meal. I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter. In your dreams, bitch. Scalpel.

No, I really -- Honestly, l-l've had my fill. lt's gratuitous at this point. You sure you don't want to join in? This is really amazing. J, It feels good J, Yeah, but -- Ah, all right. Fuck it.

Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh...

Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

called a Mega tree,

This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys. He couldn't be safer. Hey, Marty, hang on to this. That number's your dad. lfyou lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

Whoooooo! Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me -- I'm just trying to -- Aah! I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Marty, Cover me. Oh, man. I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty!

Jesus.

What are we doing? I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and l are going to survive this.

Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen F We interrupt "Pregnant Bab y" with breaking news. Come on. This fast in -- Marty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown. What the hell? The only thing that is known is... how cute he is. iiove him so much, i want to make io ve to him and then eat his head. iiove him more than you do, Harold!

Not that you asked, Marty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Marty, Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick. There's just one problem, Marty -- one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Marty,

There, every being is a letter ofthe alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up,

This is my business. Security! You're Zuckerberg-ing me? l was Zuckerberg-ing people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped. I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!

Ooh. Look at you, C-137, You -- aren't you a tough customer? The slow clap? Really? Kind of played out, dude. Not in this dimension, it isn't. In fact l invented it. Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine!

Oh, my god, Are those...

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? RICK: Coming through. Two real aliens walking through here.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me. Take me to the light. Oh, my god, i see demons. i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god,

Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death!

' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

RICK: Come on, Marty! We got to get the hell out of here! Wow.

Water-T, where are you going?! There's too many of them! Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

l’m your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, i care about my personal space. Whoa, whoa. Hey, Who’s around me right now? Who 's around me F Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place.

Show me what you got. I want to see what you got. RICK: Oh, boy, Time to go, Marty, Uh, where? The Pentagon. I mean, not the Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth.

Oh, hey, it's you guys! I haven't seen him this relaxed in years. lfyou guys ever need anything, just say the ward, As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with. J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J,

J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker!

Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Oh, I -- I think I understand. You're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. I get it. Say no more. I mean, one ofthese days, you know, you're gonna end up seeing something. I got it! Noted. Good night. f metal music playing f How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"?

Oh, my god, Oh, god,

I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain the full gravity of the situation. Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her lover intact? Well, I don't thinkthat's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones.

Genetic compiler, incubation chamber. Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half -- who -- who knows wh-what? It's my bad, guys. I'll -- I'll take care of it. - Grandpa Rick, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Hey, listen -- you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico. I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware.

Was the house -- when we pulled up, I could have sworn the house was completely trashed. Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at, Hi, sweetie. Hi, dad. Summer, Morty, are you okay? We -- we just missed you a lot. Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you, though. Yeah, it would literally destroy them.

Nobody else has ever even done it here before. Well, la-di-da. Hey, that's mine! I don't like the look ofthat Rick, Marty, - We gotta escape. - I'm not gonna help you, Rick.

J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel the pain in your heart? J,

Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything. Rick, l'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me. You're right. Kill Pencilvester.

Run, Marty!

Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch! Eat this! Cool it, now, Take it easy.

S-Samantha. Please, mister!

I want to obsess about myself. Here, these scan your retinas and let you view parallel timelines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. Go fetch. This is so cool. Ladies first. I'm proud of you, Marty,

No, l-l understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school. Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say -- say no? You -- you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be 100% honesty and open,

I don't want girls. I want Jessica. Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought -- "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me." I beg your pardon, Rick -- inappropriate.

I didn't ask to be born! All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. I-It can't be worse than this. Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture.

Cheers to that, motherfucker!

W-what's your name? My kind has no use for names. l communicate through what you call "Jessica's Feet" -- No, "Telepathy." Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading Fart. I like this name -- Fart. Marty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell?

27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines --

All right, both of you just don't move. Don't speak, don't think. l have to check something. - What'd you do, Marty? - I'm gonna help grandpa. I'll see if he needs help. What do you mean you’re gonna help him F I can help, too. - What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean?

You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps. - What? - Wait a minute. Did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse? Microverse! Uh, teenyverse.

I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right?

balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General.

Rick The Alien... Really? You're gonna pull that move? l guided your entire civilization. Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school.

Marty Jr., no! It's me! It's Dad. It's okay! Put the car down, Marty Jr, No! No! J, Wh-Where's your hands? J, J, Where's your hands? J, My car! J, And that's how we play handy hands J,

U nity? I'm just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax.

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Titanic- themed getaway.

Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

Just let this happen. Get off of me! ' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!

All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no. What the -- No!

Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.

Your failures are your own, old man.

Holy crap, Marty, you're right.

lwish this desk was lighter. I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3.

Then I better crunch the numbers. undefined Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Ooh, nice! I think we'll take our food to go. No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer.

up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole! Ohh, tune in next week, .. f theme music plays f ...to the best show ever,

I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Monitor us?! W-who?! Zigerion scammers, Marty -- the Galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity. Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica.

You killed us! God damn it. Rick! Oh! Marty, where's your collar? I'll fix it, I dropped it, What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

But we can't get killed. lfyou get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Marty,

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry.

Now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak-ass time again. How long, exactly, do we have to wear these things? They're really embarrassing. Well, since you're going to time prison, I'd say you can keep them on forever. Time prison? Yeah.

Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh. I'm sorry, Marty, It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come.

Look out, world, The Smith family is going to Paris! SUMMER: Yeah! Awesome! Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash! Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions. l -- you know what? You're gonna land on your feet, Jer, Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother.

Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me. Let me go! I love you, Marty! Let go of me! Marty!

Please just let this work out. Do it, Marty, Do it, Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life!

Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go! J, Summer and Tinkles J, J, Friends with each other J, J, Living in Never Past Bedtime Land J, J, No kitchen sinkles J, J, No little brother J, J, Going to raves and waving our hands J, J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J,

Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how to sport that color blue. Really? You're looking real good. Oh, my god. - Hey, Marty, - Oh, hey -- hey, Jessica. So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...? No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school. Cool.

Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts! My entrails are outi Why would you even want to eat these? They're soaked with my stomach acid, Oh, Jesus Christ, lord, savior, and spirit, sa ve me.

Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.

All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically.

Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us, - Is the world gone? - Is the world gone? Where are mom and dad? What about mom and dad? Mom and dad? Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion.

Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica. I can't let you do that, Marty, Give it to me! No! You give it to me! G-g-give it! No, Rick!

- He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it! BOTH: Shut up! Whoa! Unity, this place is a mess. Oh, it's cool. The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the Galactic Federation in an hour. Oh, I'll never make it. Ah, I'll push it to next week.

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.

You're my battery, motherfucker! That's all you are. I made you. Your microverse sucks! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!

It's how things should be.

I'm a father now! You know, it's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right... Don't name it. - ...Morty Jr.? - Oh, crap. He named it. Well, Dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human. And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to -- Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake. Don't punish us for it. Fine. I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and investigate.

Mom, are you driving me to -- Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time? Oh, my god, Are you drunk? What are you? My wife coach? Your what? - Oh! God! - Oh, Oh, my gosh.

I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! J, This is about flu awareness J, J, Gotta be aware ofthe flu in the air-ness J,

Oh! BOTH: Oh, Summer! It's just Rick in a younger body. What's the -- What's -- What's -- What's -- What's the -- What's the problem? Look at his art, Marty, I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad. Why does it say "help me Marty and Summer!"? Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art.

Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure! Yep.

- What the hell is happening? - This is healthy. Trust me.

CAPTAIN: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly.

J, What have I become J, J, My sweetest friend J, J, Everyone I know J,

Oh, my God. His head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Marty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. I wasn't kissing a pillow, Mom. ljust -- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Or maybe you were out all night again with grandpa Rick. What?! Dad? What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now?

ALL: Hello, Rick. Long time no see. U nity? Rick? Grandpa? Oh, boy, Uh... these are my grandkids, Summer and Marty, Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh. ..date.

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Except you. You go over there. Why does he have to go over there? Random check. He's got to go through the new machine. What new -- what new machine? It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt. Run, Marty! Run! Aah! Red alert!

J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome! Okay, that last part was really weird. Maybe Summer's on to something here. I don't know. It was fun. You want to slow dance?

Are you hear-- do you li-- do you hear me, Summer? Droppin' loads. ALL: Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads. The plot thickens. Uh, you might want to cover your eyes, Summer. Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move!

If that were really true, then... I'm here to see Ron Mendleson. Third floor. Would you like to go to dinnerwith -- Uh, no.

Yeah, uh, my name is Ron Benson. I'm an electrical engineer, father of two, and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings, I'm a member of this planet's top race! Okay, that's good. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but -- I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a Iandscaper.

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn. I'm from the fourth dimension. I can hear all of y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second. Goddamn it, Were you trying to use this to -- Oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it,

and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth.

but you Wiii not permit it. Correct. You aiso refuse to authorize emotionai countermeasures. If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more ofthat.

"go inside what?" And I said, "the battery"? Then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Marty, What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty,

W-w-w-where we running ta?

We did it, Yeah, bra, We totally worked it. We did it! We just pulled it off. Yeah, bra, Yeah.

And i Won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way. Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh F Paid for by trunkpeople. Oh, llove me strawberry sniggles. Ooh, i hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my strawberry smiggles.

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. As you can see,

Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Marty? No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay? We're bored. Take us back to Rick.

Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill!

That is why you're never getting home. Get them! Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

What's this "was" stuff? I just need to hydrate, Then we're doing that again. Oh, damn. Listen, ifthis is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors. It's a neighboring hive-mind species, Beta Seven. Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice.

Fine, whatever. Marty, stay. Oh, god, Oh, crap. Oh, crap! Get out! Get out! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get the fuck out of the flying machine! Oh, my god! O-Okay! Okay!

I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why -- I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun?

Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

lt's basic math. C-can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage, I lose a bet. Well, is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore? Oh, for god's sake. All right, here. Give me the time crystal. Wh-what are you doing? Calling myself. Here, listen. lt'll probably go to voicemail since, you know, I'm calling myself. Hello, Rick here.

Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go!

Ugh! No! Feel what he's feeling. Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase? All right. All right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing. Come on, you-, rascal. Okay, unacceptable! Oh, What is going on? All right. Uh-oh.

South Pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh fuck! An ice cave? Shit!

They're just fruity necklaces is what I was saying. I'm gonna pee my pants! Somebody call the planet of "Tron"! Doesn't feel so good, does it? We have three "Tron" people over here. No, it doesn't. It hurts. Seriously, are these halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles with green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the '90s?

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things. So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. Ooh, whee! Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help! Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. No!

Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief. Now get the fuck out of here. Pretty cool, huh, Marty? Oh, I thought it was cool. I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? - ALL: Yes. - Why?! Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

What do you do? What's your profession? I am a tax attorney. Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. J, I'm a tax attorney J, J, Oh, geez, oh J, J, Forget about everybody else J,

If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty. Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

[grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one. Not this one. None of them open. Fakedoors. com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake do-o-o-o-rsi

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy. Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world, Yeah, Cronenberg Rick,

Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does. And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other... and the reason I'm alive at all.

O h, my god! Aah!

because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

All right, Marty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family. Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...

l-l-l think it's a good idea, Rick.

Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!

Uh, hi, everybody. l'm Rick. You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh...

Run, Marty! That asshole's willing to risk... everything he cares about just to defeat me! He's psychotic! Marty, hop on my back. Why? Go, go Sanchez ski shoes. Aaaaaah! ...eight... Aaaah! Oof!

I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? - ALL: yeah. - I can't do that, sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.

I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam. Boo rah! And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

Since when do you have a job? Since last week.

You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick! Grandpa, lthinkthat, when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do -- lt shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big,

- Get out. - Um, what? No, I'm sick ofthis. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant shit on it. Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon -- Well, you can't. I want you out of here. You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script. What the hell?! I don't care. I want you out. What? Take that thing down. Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bendthem. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath.

What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying. I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen. Summer! Tinkles! lt's past my bedtime. Not in Never Past Bedtime Land! Here we go!

Y-y-y-y-y-you're frustrating me.

This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha!

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird. I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going.

They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am -- Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee theywon't believe. So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody? What are we going to do? Where are we going to live?

This should really help put a dent in the overhead. Oh, my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates ofthe Pancreas? RICK: You got a problem with that last one, Marty? Huh? No, no. I'm just reading 'em out loud in the order that I'm seeing 'em. RICK: Okay. All right. If I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates ofthe Pancreas was my baby. You know, I got -- I got a lot of pushback when I pitched it, Marty,

There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

to run your car? Yeah, but don't flatter yourself. There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker! What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on!

Run, Marty! Oh, my God!

- Not anymore. - You're overreacting! We're losing him. All right, fine.

What are we here for again? lncepting? We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math? Oh, yeah. Buckle up, bitch! Man, he sure says "Bitch" a lot!

Hey, Rick. lt's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it, too. Take it easy. Whoa, damn! Look at this.

This aftershave made women want me, but it also made me impotent! A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. Oh, my god! How could I not see this coming?!

Are you kidding me?! Come on!

Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben.

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.

Run, Marty! Before the system reboots! JERRY: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry...for...apples?!

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

Wha? Oh my God, the track! It's Hepatitis A! Aaaah!

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated. - What's happening? - Time is falling apart. We've got to get back to certainty quick. Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive.

Time prison? Yeah. Well, I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way your dumbass assin' ass asses could ever have one is if it was stolen. You stole a time-freezing crystal from testicle monsters?! I would've been happy to pay for it, s-- Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco.

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes. J, I love Marty J, J, and I hope Marty loves me J, J, I'd like to wrap my arms around him J,

Are you, like, uh -- are you, like, their caretaker? Is that what it is? We can go into detail later, son.

You're crying? Over a Marty? No, I'm just allergic to dipshits. Ugh. Pathetic. We both know that ifthere's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

ALL: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.

Sh-- Obviously --

Here you go -- 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon?

What -- what are you guys doing with my stuff? We're moving you-, to a nursing home. A nursing home? What are -- what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun. Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas. What does that mean? It's personal.

No! Not twigs!

Yep. This here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's half Marty, half --

Get away from me! No! No! Help! Somebody help me! Aah! All right, Marty, L-Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-We have to go down there. What? Why? That poor girl. W-We have to save her.

He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. JESSICA: Hi, Marty, Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties. Uh, that's flattering 'F' and a little weird.

You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

to the purely pornographic.

Ah, Ah, Ah,

Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh? Really? Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending. Buckle up!

J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,

Bring up the holograms. 27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe?

And then they found out i was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "a/r, shit, Well, fast fuck it, call him Pichaei " Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit, Good afternoon. I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles.

Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis. Wait! That was an option the whole time?! You guys suck! Yeah. We suck. Are you still here? Okay, Jerry. Let's head home. I can't leave now. Everyone hates me.

Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry! PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck.

ALL: Mr. Beauregard! After due consideration, I have elected not to retire. ALL: Yeah! Oh, thank god! Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then lwouldn't still be the family butler.

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

MEESEEKS: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering --

Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

What? What the hell are you doing? Good question. I suppose the answer is I'm not certain. Oh, no, what are you doing? - l have no idea. - I'm not sure. Stop it! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass.

but I am glad that you insisted on getting that Fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know? You miss your Fart friend, huh? Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit. What?! Rick, no! You can't! Too late, Marty, The hole's opening. No, Rick! You don't understand.

you're just a little creepy-, creep person. All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something -- you know what? You gotta accept your part ofthe blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who -- who -- who -- who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs!

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!

I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food.

Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery. The females are placed into educational programs where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most. Males... ...they get to play outside. That was just a baby.

Marty! Summer! It's me! lt's Rick! Regular Rick! Rick! How do we get you back into your body? Okay, listen carefully. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel, a blue one and a red one. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- Why doesn't anyone really like me? - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head!

I hate video games! You take that back!

I'm not ready to die. You're not going to.

I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him. But can you help me get to my family? You know, at -- at my house? Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? ln Bird culture, this is considered a dick move. All of Rick's moves are dick moves!

All right. There's six of us, and that's it, Me, Marty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer. Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz! Oh, this place is the best. It's got beer, games, prizes,

Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha!

Look at this baby!

I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it... - Brad! Hey! - Yo. Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk. Check it out. Tammy's already drunk, Cool.

Grandpa, go home and drink.

Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours. All right, well, those are the two choices, 'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks. Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why? Sundown is when the festival begins. The festival? Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war,

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

I wish this knot was looser. Come on. I don't -- Wait, what am I doing? lwish I knew CPR. 1,2,3. Oh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw.

I'm gonna kick your ass!

- JERRY: Wait! - BETH: What in the hell? RICK: I agree. Where is this going? No, the other thing! Go back. RICK: Really? All right, fine. Glen, this court order says you can 't eat shit anymore. All right, Jerry. When you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

J, Show me what you got J, J, You're always talking J, J, But you're not playing J, J, It doesn't match your face J, J, Get them away, away from this place J, J, Can you take me now? J,

I don't want to masturbate. I want to conquer the planet! Oh, here we go again! You know, who do you think... is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Marty Jr.?! Love -- that's all you care about!

Hey, Rick. I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out? Whatever. Well, I mean, traditionally... science fairs are a father-son thing. Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.

Do you like this?

- Fuck me, pal. - Fuck you? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck me.

Why is everything always happening to you?! Summer, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, do you, Summer? I don't know, Ethan. Do I?! Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man. I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes.

Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

"Purge! Don't purge!" You're sending me mixed messages, Rick.

It's a good show!

Mmm. Mmm. Last bite. Mmm. Oh, now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am i feeling good, Noi Get away from me! Get away from me! There's no more strawberry snibbles -- no! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! lt hurts!

Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. Just kidding.

That's Earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate. Well, we want to make it work, if we can, It's just -- Then it's settled. No need to pack. Oh! Let's go, go, go, go! Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,

Asshole!

than live another minute with you! No! No, no, no! Stop! My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday! Oh, Dad!

Are you guys kidding me? MORTY: Oh, Marty Jr.!

Uh, actually, you know what?

That'll keep 'em busy for a while. Those guys were wrong, right? Y-Y-Y-You d-- you wouldn't kill yourself -- y-y-yourselves. Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me? But someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-killer.

Holy crap. But you know what, Grandpa Rick? He's strong, and he's never going to give up, Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. Oh, I know. - Everyone knows you don't care. - So? So have fun not caring. - I always do. - Good. Yeah, it is good. It's the best. I'm sure it is. Bye. Later.

All right, not bad. I guess you're an okay proto recombinator. I've certainly seen worse ionic cell dioxination. Ifthis works, drinks are on me. If drinks are on you, you're gonna need a second mortgage on that tower. I'm an alcoholic. Opium addict.

Quit screwing around. Morty? Are you all right? - No! - Why are youwith Taddi Mason? Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down? - SUMMER: Yes, yes. - 7-7-1-9-8... o,3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5,

You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? Jessica.

Good bye.

"Purge! Don't purge!"

and fuck me for letting my guard down,

This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty, We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing. - You're good at it, Rick. - Watch me, baby. I'm like Tom Cruise from, um, "Cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like Tom Cruise from "Cuisine." Yeah.

Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! All right! You did it, Marty,

Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me?

Check out the new dance I made up. It's called "Ooh let me out!" J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting. MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say --

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure -- I'm giving Marty an "A" in math, and that's my idea.

Like, building a park? Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan. Cool. And who pays me? Did you get any ofthat? It's a good-a show!

Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.

Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay.

Aw, Thank you.

Man, I can't believe you, Rick. That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know? To connect with me a little. Hey, Marty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks. You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick. And, you know, it would g-- go without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Marty,

There was an earthquake and...al| the musicians,

W-What do we have here, Marty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? l-l-l-l-l bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? l-l-l bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Marty, Oh, Rick, something's not right. Yeah, you. You're not right -- ever. No, no! Look, you idiot!

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here.

Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas? Yes. Why? Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?!

All right! I like your squanch!

We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air. Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more ofthese things. I hear you, Marty, Back in Brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "We're walkin' here!" Nicky, get --

- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool.

school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. H-he needs to keep hanging out and helping me. Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.

Oh, for crying out -- he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say? I do? Well, duh day, son. Look, I love you, Marty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard. Aw, geez, Dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

What a perplexing mystery this is." All right, all right, we're inside the battery. I get it, You don't have to bust my balls. Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be... sending 20 terawatts of juice up to the engine, Marty, Instead we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing? W-W-W-Whoa, people? It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Marty, hold on to something.

JERRY: Cold stone creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Come on, this way! Squanch this! Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. RICK: That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! SUMMER: Dad! RICK: Hold on tight!

Everyone has a plumbus in their home. First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.

J, Where's your hands? There's your hands J, J, And that's how we play handy hands J,

I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty,

We're not on any time line, dummy. Look. Oh, my god! SU M M ER: Are those cats? I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. Or, actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us,

A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,

Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself!

Motherfucker!

- Is that a real question? - Just making conversation. Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation. You're holding me verbally hostage. Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen. Hey, Dad. Yeah? Whatcha doing? Going into the kitchen?

[just learned a real valuable lesson. l’m coming, Babylegs, /M. .. Regularlegs. We got him. Hey, that was good teamwork. Bab ylegs and Regularlegs, l’m proud of you two for working together. And, Babylegs, i know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner, but l’m proud of you that you did it. Hey, thanks, Chief.

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page.

We got some business to attend to a few light minutes South of here. Oh, you still use South in space? Whoa! Jesus, Jerry! What the hell are you doing here?! What are you talking about? We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive. I guess I remember that. Wow, And you've just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well, we don't have time to take him to Earth, Marty, Head for 3924917.

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews!

W-where's my wife?!

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield. Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot. Come on, Gazorpazorptield, Go easy on me, huh? You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white,

J, I wish that we can go back to that time J, J, Ooh, ooh, ooh J, Holy crap, Marty, you're right. ls -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me? Well, yeah, duh-doy.

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch!

No, what are you doing telling this guy that his miniverse is unethical? D-Do you not see the hypocrisy here? Holy crap. You're right, Marty, Hypocrisy! Somewhere on this planet, there's gotta be an arrogant... scientist prick on the verge of microverse technology, which would threaten to make Zeep's flooble cranks obsolete, forcing Zeep to say microverses are bad,

W-W-Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no, I can get us home whenever I want ta, But, listen, speaking ofthose crystals, can I get the rest ofthem? I'm starting to come down, Marty, Crystal Kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.

Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk! Why would I negotiate with you? Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield. Mrs. Pancakes! Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking. Run!

Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through. Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry. You're kidding me. Notice anything different? l-l-l'm sorry. Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You Tyi/f lose her! Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind ifwe get back to the task at hand?

because this is a sane place where women rule. Yeah. You know what I have to say about that? WOMAN: I cannot believe my ears! Whoo, boy! Who let the frogs out, huh?

The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius." Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded. Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick.

Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk!

Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God!

You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow. Yeah. O-o-okay. Uh, B-bye. Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

Just kind of hard to believe, you know? Believe it, Marty, And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry, and the Zigerions got nothing of mine. Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a,,, minute to talk? Yes.

You son of a bitch! Eat this!

Behind this cookie jar. Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?

How you think you gonna move time while you're standing in it, you dumbass three-dimensional monkey-ass dummies? Oh, way to go, Rick.

Equals?! We make 70% of your salary for the same job!

we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome. J, Look on down from the bridge J,

You guys are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature, and fuck trees! Yes! You did it! Yes! Hey, uh, how about that drink? Sure, I just need to go grab my wallet from inside my ship. Oh, is yourwallet in your ship? That's where the transporter is, too, so why don't we come with?

I know where you are, you creepy old monster. I know how you think. Oh, is there where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well, maybe you're right. SUMMER: Holy shit. Now what? Well, if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized? - Right. - Okay. So, from now on, whatever we do, we have to be certain.

Jerry! Beth! Oh, my God. My parents are so loud. I want to die. Mm, there is no God, Summer. You got to rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Okay, with all due respect, Rick -- What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept sci-fi rigamarole? Listen, Jerry, l-l don't want to overstep my bounds or anything.

I mean, that's got to be the "You shot me" equivalent of not being mad. Can he have visitors? He'd like to be alone. He told me to tell you he's sorry you didn't have bad memories of him? lfyou love him, you should leave.

Head north. Rick, where am I? Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance. MORTY: Entrance to what? Welcome, Marty, Welcome... ...to Anatomy Park! It's a little business venture I've been cooking up on the side with Dr. Bloom -- an amusement park inside a human body.

Have you forgotten the barbecue? Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you? Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick. You lovethem. Hai! Remember it, Rick? Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg!

Oh, my god, I'm a good person. No! Nooooo! f monitor beeping f

What's going on? The collar. Oh, the latch is broken. It won't latch closed around my neck.

I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

it’s in theaters now, Coming this Summer. Two brothers in a van, and then a meteor hits. And they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters. And then a giant tornado came. And that's when things got knocked into 12th gear.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump.

Hurry up, Marty, Grandpa's about to un-freeze time. You really should be cleaning from top to bottom. I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months. Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my god, is that mildew? It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day. You have dropped so many balls, man.

Nevermind. Shut the fuck up, Goddamn.

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.

- Kick his ass, Rick! - Die, motherfucker. Ow! I'm defeated.

- We're tourists. - Not anymore. - Aah! - Aah! Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes. l have to find somewhere to hide.

One dot, motherfucker!

I ask you to do one thing!

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!

Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding. Dad, he wants to be called Snowball. Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous. You're being very aggressive, Jerry.

It won't matter how Schwifty you get, Marty, The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song! Oh, my god! Uh, c-can you fly a Black Hawk? Can the Pope's dick fit through a doughnut? Uh, l'm...not sure. Exactly. Show me what you got!

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

My man!

Do not call me that! "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs,

I m-- I m-- I miss my family. I miss my laptop. I masturbated to an extra-curvy piece of driftwood the other day! Look, I-I don't care what it takes. You two are putting aside your bullshit, and you're working together to get us back home. No can do, Marty, I just can't. I just don't see how I can -- Ro ro dah no gah! You're smart. You'll figure it out.

She's not responding to my texts! Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off. Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no. Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife,,, with my confidence.

Holy crap, Marty, run!

- English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical. But I thought there were infinite time lines? We're not on any time line, dummy.

l have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me. Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck. No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Marty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here? I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked.

Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

We pretty much nailed it the first time. J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J, J, Bounce that ass drop it down to the floor J, J, Shake that shit 'til you can't no more J,

You know what? I'm taking this. How do you -- what is this? Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.

This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line?

So cute!

The Mega trees?

Then -- then -- then it's a broken defraculator.

That would be illegal.

Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do?

Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but -- but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us? You're guests here on my planet. You're free to be yourselves. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick. Well, now /'m going to barf. Come on, Morty.

If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

Yes.

Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

for the crimes of treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to -- What, what, what -- a night on the couch? ...death. Ooh, gerp. I hate you so much right now.

clear communication.

Do you know what I want you to do w