comb.io - Clips

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops, Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. l-l-l don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, ifl hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.

Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.

J, Bitch, please, ifthe only thing you cats did was came out to play J, J, Stay out my way, mother J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J,

That is su-- -- suspicious.

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God. Jerry! It's all right. The TV says there's nothing to worry about. The giant, naked sky Santa has exploded, Biooo’ and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country, Everything should be fine.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple!

Pluto is a planet.

Who the fuck are you?

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

I really had something going there, Rick! Yeah, so I heard. you dodged a bullet, Marty -- trust me. Puffy vagina. W-what's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Well...| can see you're busy. Merry Christmas, Rick.

If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta, SUMMER: Mom! Dad! BOTH: Summer! Where's Marty? I don't know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this?

l-l-l understand.

I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now. That way, if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they'rethe evil one, you'll know who's lying. Hey, check it out. Damn it! Hey, you didn't pay your bill! T-The red "X"! Red "X"!

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

I like what you got! Good job!

you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

For generations, it has guided the -- You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

You stupid bitch.

My -- my -- my -- my man! Aah! What the hell?! No, Jerry?! Dad! What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time.

Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream? You're gonna want to put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51. How do you know about that? For god's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google maps. Sir, Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy --

Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch! Ohhhh! Holy crap, Marty, He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

I thought I entered the code right. Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation.

You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time!

J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J,

You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me!

Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here. lt's S-S-S-Summer! Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams ofthe people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father!

J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, Let me out, Let me out J, J, This is not a dance J, J, I'm beggin' for help, I'm screamin' for help J, J, Please come let me out J, J, I'm dyin' in a vat in the gara-a-ge JV Awesome!

This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Marty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember -- remember how I -- how I cemented that catchphrase?

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Marty and l arejust gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole. - What?! - Is that cool with you, dawg? Rick, no! Marty!! We got it. The call's coming from... J, Inside the house J, Look at his face! You dummy! Can't believe our daughter married you, Too easy!

Jesus fucking Christ.

Give me your collars. Oh, man. Don't you have to fix, like, 30 ofthem? Marty, l have to fix three of them. And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come to Lii’ Bits... MAN: L//' Bits! ...where the food is tiny. It looks like regular food, but really tiny. You can put it in your mouth and eat it. Nothing gets stuck in your lips. It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- - Fits right in. - Lri’ Bits! We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie.

Come on, old man, little boy, Let's make an inter-generational sandwich. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake! This is disgusting! I'm gonna puke! I can't take it, Rick! Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads! Time to go another dream deep, Marty!

Get out! Get out!

J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

We should resume sinking shortly.

wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll J, J, Then we let it pop, don't let it go J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya J, J, Ain't never gave nothing to me J, Did you get any of that?

To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!

Sex is sacred! This is because you don't give Marty Smith good grades, bitch! Holy crap! God damn!

We have no leaders. We follow only the will of the forest. Ooh. Wow. Gaaaaay. That is pretty gay.

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math!

Keep Summer safe.

Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty.

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty,

My name's Reuben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end ofthis journey...

I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

It's a good-a show!

It's how things should be.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.

We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, But we never get to -- Hi, everybody. l'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am l, - Sorry, Summer. - Man, I'm sorry, Summer. l was on the wrong side ofthe pitchfork on this one. Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

i see demons are coming! Geez, Rick. Oh, my god, That's some pretty hard-core stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

Kid, you're a genius. Are you mad?! Everybody, in here! Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.

And then there's 31 other versions of me that have to also fix three, for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit. Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer.

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty! Jessica. Five more minutes ofthis, and I'm gonna get mad. Je-Jessica. Jessica. Not my fault this is happening.

I'm gonna kick your ass! Ohhhh!

Peace among worlds, Rick.

Go with the flow, Stop, Y-y-you're making me really uncomfortable. Stop fighting me. Just let this happen.

undefined Marty, you idiot. Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here! We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous. He's not gonna make it through a portal, Marty, Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car. Right, uh -- Fart. No! Just -- j-just get in the car! Marty, come on. I want to go back to Blips and Chitz. I don't want to deal with this. Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away. More are coming.

l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing.

MORTY: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

Hey, uh, 1995 called! They want their "certain year called wanting its 'blank' back" formula back!

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this.

And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse. So you're not my brother? I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die.

What the hell? What have you done to me, Marty?

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick.

Oh, what are those things? Tuberculosis -- coming in fast! Not faster than a bullet! Aah! DR. BLOOM: No! Do you know what you've done?! ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing!

It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white.

J, Goodbye -- J, Shut the fuck up about moon men! This isn't a musical number.

I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive. Now hand me that flat-head screwdriver. - Actually, make it a flat-head. - Actually, make it a phillips. Oh, shit.

Wubba dubba dub dub! Oh, Hey, Jerry.

What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time! Oh, no. What the -- No!

That's the last straw!

Fee! Fi! Fa! Fum!

Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, ljust want to go home. Okay. Listen, Marty, I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 ofthem to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest ofthe shmeckels to the villagers, huh?

What is my purpose? You pass butter. Oh, my god, Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top ofthem. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!

He's got it! Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

ALL: Boo! Summer, I thought you were cool!

Oh, shit. We got tiny people,

J, Drum drum drum drum drum drum J, J, Christmas drums J, Oh, sing it, Summer. J, Christmas drums being played by a b-o-o-o-y J, Oh, I love to hear you sing. Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted. I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad. What?

It's how things should be. It's how they could be.

Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

What's the opposite of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs"? Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Are you guys kidding me?

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal!

W-W-Why? Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.

I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.

Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work? Hello. I can do that. I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food. That's not a real job! Oh, and making food is? You son of a bitch!

Are some Glip Glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip Glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that. Is that like their N-word? It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

BOTH: Tiny Rick!

Hey, there, Jessica. Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my god, Morty. You look really nice tonight. Wow, thanks. I love you, Marty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! l-l love you too, Jessica!

Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

l-l mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?!

then we can't get schwifty.

Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

I'm very discreet. You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

You have to get us the fuck outta here. These people are backwards savages.

Snuttles, shake. Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick!

Half of all time!

Ooh, yeah! Can do!

Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out, people on the internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers --

Hey, everybody.

I'm proud of you, Marty, Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo. l’m Ants in My Eyes Johnson, here at Ants in My Eyes Johnson’s electronics.

My god. I've seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver. Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!

See you at the Olympics,

So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got...

To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

Show me what you got!

My -- my -- my -- my man!

"Get Schwifty" was a jam.

This is Earth radio. And now, here 's . . human music. Hmm. Human music. I like it,

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers!

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.

You were always kind to me, Marty, That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side. Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two.

J, Forget about everybody else J, J, Forget about Jesus Christ J, J, Forget about Muhammad J, J, Forget about, uh... all those religions J,

I'm sorry, Rick.

Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.

this man was a registered sex offender.

Roll over. Go to the bathroom. - Holy crap! - No way. Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty. That was fantastic, Rick! Yeah, Marty, if you like that, boy, you're -- you're really going to flip your lid over this one.

Forget about the park, doctor! How do we get out? The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all. Everybody, head for the colon! Now I'm taking orders from a 12-year-old boy? Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged.

No, no, no, no. Black people.

It's gonna be fine.

- Here's another. - l’m the killer. Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!

A movie about a guy eating shit.

That out there? That's my grave. Wait, what? On one of our adventures.., Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here and -- and we buried ourselves, and we took their place.

You know, because hejust said lwas 12. Oh, Good for you, RICK: Oot. Ugh. Matty. Strike one. J, It's a road of wonder J, J, A trail of food J, J, It's a pathway to break up the bad and good J,

Greetings! Marty, you gotta flip them off. I told them it means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that?

J, Are you afraid of me now? J,

Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick. l'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know? Marty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. l'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded. Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that are doing the right thing. Well, that's retarded.

J, Forget about Jesus Christ J,

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway. I don't get it, and I don't need ta,

27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines --

Titanic- themed getaway.

You respect me. Please, call me "The Devil." I'd rather not, actually. Yes, perhaps not during business hours.

Move it up, actually, if you can,

I say we escape. lfyou want to leave, you can just go out the front door. You think we're kept here against our will? That would be illegal. But if you can leave, then why are you still here? Same reason as you, We're Jerrys. I'm leaving.

Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

You pay with the curses, right?

What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell?

MAN: It's a good show.

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

you know, penis between my legs.

This is my life's work. It's all right, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain ofthese bacteria, but the scar tissue keeps them... dormant. Marty, get down! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry.

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome! Marty, this is really cool. Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people? It's fun. We're totally justified... because we're saving a little girl. I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people. - Are you okay? - Yes.

We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

l-l-l understand.

Come on, spit it out! Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick. You make fun of me all the time... You're always picking on me... ...and now Summer's doing it, ...and now you got Summer to kiss your ass. Me?! What about you? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... could you get more excited to see me fail? Because you want grandpa all to yourself! All right, all right, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Marty, sit here.

We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we -- we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream. But i-it's been like a whole year! It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute.

It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy?

O h, my god! Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my god! Oh, that is so disgusting!

Then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack. All your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together. Get your shit together.

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J,

There's no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this. How about a taste of my squanch?!

Summer?! Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things? Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Marty? Calm down!

ANNOUNCER: Ina world where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents,

ALL: Whoa! Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Rick! I thought you were dead! No, no, no, l was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon. What? It's a dream, Marty,

- We're tourists. - Not anymore.

- No. - And away we go! And away we go!

Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite.

undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's -- you know, you’re pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake. i don't give a fuck. l’m Gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch. Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

Hey, John. it’s me, Gazorpazorptield, Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

Where's the anger coming from, man? From Summer being a total bitch! Where's the anger coming from? My brother...took me fishing once ...in the bushes... I can't...| can't... He made me feel like a girl!

Marty, the scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged.

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here. Summer! Ethan? What are you doing here? I've been texting you for hours! What the hell?! I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday! Well, did you even consider how that might make me feel?! How you feel?! Why is everything always happening to you?!

lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J, J, Shit on the floor J, J, Time to get schwifty in here J, J, l'm Mr. Bulldops J,

Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing! Whoaaaa! Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand--

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way.

I'm leaving. Okay, then. That was always allowed.

Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph. Oh, oh !

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close. There they are! Wait. Something's not right.

Oh, boy, Here I go killing again.

Concentrate and turn into a car, Morty. Never mind. Here's a taxi. Get in. It's fine. ...six... - Hey, Zeep. - Huh? Happy Ricksgiving, biiiiiitch. Aaah! We did it, Marty, Now let's get out of here and destroy this whole universe. Excuse me?

Birdperson!! No!! Holy -- Drop the portal gun.

SUMMER: Ah! Go back! Go back! - RIC K: Geez. - You speak the true-true. Oh, my god, Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"! I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"? Sometimes, small true-true different than the big true-true.

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it,

I love my grandkids. BOTH: Aww, Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!"

Why do you party? To get ... wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me. Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Marty, This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. Turn your boring, old Marty into a f-- hot fashion statement with some Marty dazzlers. Hey, check this out. - DOLL: Show me the Marty, - Dumb.

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch! Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me.

We get a one, personal space. Two, personal space. Three, stay out of my personal space. Four, keep away from my personal space. Five... get out of that personal space. Six, .. Stay a way from my personal space. Seven. . . keep away from that personal space.

We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours! Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots! That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

We got a plumbus.

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale,

I can fix this. Marty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen. I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my white board. This has been a long time coming, anyway.

undefined Chris!

- Wait a minute, what? - And away we go!

Hey! Ohhhhhh. Aah! Don't think about it!

The answer is don't think about it,

Eggnog? Now we are talking! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh? Hi, Joyce. Leonard. Hello, there. Merry Christmas, man. Marty, a moment of your time? He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help.

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?! You want to see children die?! You son of a bitch. You don't stop living until I say so! undefined Michael. - Who's this now? - My lawyer. I'm here to notify you, ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property regardless of how far it runs orwho intercepts it before it dies.

iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday- bonus-giving mother-- Come on! Aah! Get off!

Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh, Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can,

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five.

So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. You're my battery! And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was barn, Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe. I made you! Yeah.

Pluto is... ...not a planet.

Oh shit. Oh shit.

It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you! Take cover, Marty! Ooh! Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. l-l-l-l didn't take him for an active dreamer. We got to take him out so he wakes up, Marty,

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.

Jerry doesn't know what he's missing. He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together. I don't know, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will... It's raining blood!

Ooh, hey! Ooh, oh! Oh, man. - Come and join us. - I'm sorry. No, no. Ooh, come here! No, thanks! Ooh, wow! Come over here, baby! No, I'm okay. Whoa! Summer?! Hey, there, stranger.

He got these crystals. And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What?

Well, the eyes aren't twinkling and the dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a 70-mile cherry.

Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool. Summer.

Hey, don't shove me!

Play something. S-Somebody, play something. Wait a minute. What? J, Put your right foot fonNard and your left foot back J, J, Then slide around like on a Nordictrack J, J, Move to the left. Step to the right J, J, Wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light J,

Aww, Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if he's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? You're not. Or are you?

That's Jack and Fabrizio. This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened,

Marty, the principal and l have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!

That's Jack and Fabrizio. This is where Rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone. Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line? l, uh -- I could get into trouble. We won't tell. So... you're a Titanic fanatic? Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened,

Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.

It was a long six hours, but we've overhauled "Needful Things" into the globally-compliant web 4.0 "E-nomenon," n33dful.Com, spelled with threes instead of "E's." Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google!

I'm gonna kick your ass!

Can I show these to you? Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you. You know what I named these? My little Morties.

Shut the fuck up about moon men!

And away we go.

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the Jelly Bean he actually was.

J, "Q," "R," You won't get very far J, I always hated that song! These halves don't belong together, bitch! Sex is sacred!

It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants.

...between one guy who can't get a break... There's something about you, Mrs. Sullivan. ...and nine cats who break all the rules. "Last Will and Testi-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House // " Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost theirjob. Written and directed by Jerry Smith. I wrote anddirected that? What am I, nuts?

Here, here take these, Marty, Take these. Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something? Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down. What?! lt's necessary for the plan, Marty,

ANIMATRONIC REUBEN: I'll be inside all of you. My story begins during the dot-com crash in the early '90s.

Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

J, Summer and Tinkle, friends to the end J, J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J, J, Ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry J, J, "T" to the "inkle" with a capital "l" J, Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Wubba lubba dub dub!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters.

Uh, anything else.

You guys! It's gonna burst! Go! Go, go, go! My foot is stuck. No! It's okay! It's okay. Just go. Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can -- No!

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong,

Get your shit together.

Hey, man, when the hell were you? Looking for you, asshole. I told you past the dinosaurs. You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time! Come on, man. It's this way. - Come on. - Give me that thing. Speed it up. He can't be this far back. No, no, there he is. There he is. There he is. There he is. Stop, stop.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple?

What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick? Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I can't take it anymore. ljust want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks!

What the fuck is going on?

It's just Rick and Marty -- Rick and Marty and their adventures, Marty, Rick and Marty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com.

This disaster was an inside job.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

Don't let me die! Just take a deep breath, Reuben. You're not gonna die! What's your name? My name is... Alexand-- Rick -- R-R-Reuben's got tuberculosis! Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then--

Is this what you want, you sick fuck?!

he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

You're g-giving him a card?! l have no code of ethics. I will kill anyone, anywhere -- Children, animals, old people -- doesn't matter. ljust love killing. You sell weapons to killers for money?

It's raining blood!

Sh-- Obviously --

Did you get any ofthat? lt's-a good-a show!

J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J,

So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math.

You know, i take personal space pretty seriously, up to the paint that i don't even care about this -- l’m not even interested in ha ving this skin on my personal space. Oh, my god! Oh, it hurts! SUMMER: Gross! RICK: What an asshole!

Oh, my god, This is fucking awesome!

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

This is a Meeseeks Box.

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry!

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick!

There's always AAA, you fucking cock sucker!

relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting. MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say --

You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys,

Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

I'm sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you got to look out for number one. Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend! Friend?! Do you even know my real name? It's Revolio Clockberg Junior, I belong to an entire species of gear people.

It's raining blood! Oh, shit. Find Jerry. Oh, God.

undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

Well, that's retarded.

TEACHER: All right, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math. And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in -- two plus two. Jessica. Five plus five.

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

Marty! Thank god! Get me out ofthis. - Come on! - You're lucky I'm not a Rick. Point taken, but this is no time for arcs. Oh!

What the hell is that? The Sphincter Dam. We built it when Reuben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse load. I've almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle. Poncho? What is this in your backpack? That's Bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho?

RICK: I'm almost there, Marty! Reports from all over the country have been coming in about what appears to be a giant,

Oh, no. What the -- No! Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants! Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the properwordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch? Oh...um... "Bitch."

Hi, Frank. Aah!

J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation!

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

What's he doing? What's he crafting? I can craft stuff, too, pal! Just like I crafted your reality! You crafty son of a -- Ow! I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on! Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries! I didn't ask to be born!

Marty! What are you doing to me?!

Th-thanks, Snuffles. Begin phase two. NARRATOR: Fighting continues as the dog army captures the Eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end.

Wow! Hey, look, you guys The sun's rising. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah !! Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 42 hours.

Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

You shall now call me Snowball because my fur is pretty and white. Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, ifa human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?

We'll be fine! Let's party! J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass... J,

Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

I mean, the pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.

Cronenberg Morty.

J, The worlds can be one together J, J, Cosmos without hatred J, J, Stars like diamonds in your eyes J,

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch -- the old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true God -- The giant head in the sky.

J, Can you take me now? J, J, I want it real J, J, Are you afraid of me now? J, JV J, Are you afraid of me now? J, J, Do you feel it? J, J, Do you feel it? J,

almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation! RICK: I'm almost there, Marty!

Come on, Rick, quit sk-- stalling. What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! ALL: Aw! Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. l-l-l'm havin' a good time, Marty, It's not so bad. Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over.

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us. Fill a whole room up with them. See, watch. Check this out. [grunts f Won 't open. Won 't open. [grunts f Not this one.

Holy shit Dad! Shut the fuck up! Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper. Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Hold on to something.

It's all here, Rick! Wow, Marty, Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic Quarks, one part Cesium. Okay. Uh-huh. All right. Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Marty?! There's no time!

Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits.

Y-Y-You got the people on this world slaving away making your power. I mean, that's what I call slavery. No, no, no, they work for each other in exchange for money, which they then -- Well, that just sounds like slavery with extra steps. Eek barba dirkle, somebody's gonna get laid in college.

I got you pregnant.

You don't know me! Nice, Mrs. Pancakes -- real nice. Next week on "The Days And Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"., You don't know me! Then iet me get to know you, damn W Uh-oh! Spoilers! I'm a full season behind.

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one!

J, His name is Scary Terry J, J, He's very scary J, Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Marty! Ohhhhh! Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! J, "E," "F" J,

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom!

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty, In my butt?

I hate video games! You take that back!

"I don't give a fuck!"

MORTY: I don't know, Rick.

And the final ingredient...

and your solution is to shoot the audience?

Allahu Akbar! We're gonna take control ofthis plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Marty Smith gets better grades in math! Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

Boy fuck you, John, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.

Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Hey, leave him alone! Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants? Well, I never! H see no reason to stand here and take this. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Scary Terry.

Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music! All participation is in voluntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ra y Uh, it's probably a bad time to mention it,

I love you bad, Mo-Mo!

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that?

Show me what you got!

Here we are, Cronenberg Marty -- a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Marty, It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world,

Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry!

Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! Back off! I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm. Oh, come on, Principal Vagina. I just... Never leave me, Marty, Never! Uh, sure. I mean, o-of course not. W-What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.

That's slavery. It's society. They work for each other, Marty, They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man.

an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst. Your failures are your own, old man. l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

grounded story about their shitty marriage.

Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a fleeseeks box. No. No more boxes. What? It just has a mop and some floorwax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing!

Hey, Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation? Huh.

Rick, keep a level head, okay?

Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years.

J, "E," "F" J, J, He'll design your death J, The little girl! Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty. Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good. Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!

Do you think they would have done this for us? We are not them! We are not...them.

undefined Uh, well... BLOOM: No, you're -- you're right.

Hey, I like your straightforward style and that lab coat's pretty cool.

Hey, are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house, where you open them and you actually go somewhere, and you go into another room F Get on down to Real Fake Doors. That's us.

It's not fair to assume that, Summer. Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman. J, Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo J,

Wubba lubba dub dubs!

Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-Y-You bunch of diabolical sons of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I? All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful.

Hey, what did youthink ofthat finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bra, Yourtotal is $12.37. Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out offjail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in,

' Sweet home Alabama ' Whoo!

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick!

I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller."

Ooh, boy, what -- Oh, my god, no!

A-ho, ho, ho, everybody. More like "Whoa, whoa, whoa." What is this? My parents are coming! Calm down, Jerry. This is Reuben, an old friend. Pearl Harbor. I check in on him once a year and give him a little medical evaluation. Aww ! Dad, that is so sweet! Yeah, it is. I don't get it. Korea.

This aftershave made women want me,

RICK: Marty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. Uh...Rick? Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry. I wanted to say I'm sorry I everjudged you. Right now, you're my sanest relative. Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding?

Wubba-Iubba-dub-dubs! This this world still got a -- it's still got a chance! Yeah! Ha ha! See you -- see you guys next week! See everybody next week.

Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS!

All right, that's it,

Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Marty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie. Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants. No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Marty, You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know,

Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. Nojumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! I want to be popular at school! Ooh, okay! Summer, what did I just -- Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! l-l-l want -- I want to be a more complete woman!

Don't worry about your C-Christmas, Jerry. I'll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise. Huh. You think you know a guy.

I love watching bukkake.

Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes.

Relative. R-relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite. Marty, can you get to the left nipple? Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of 'em, Rick. No, Marty, I'm talking about Reuben's left nipple. We need to get to the left nipple! The body is decaying.

So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out. You know what? I'm taking this.

Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

J, It's the Rick dance J, Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam! J, It's the, it's the J, J, It's the Rick dance J, That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?!

Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up! Hey, Marty, could you lick my-, balls, balls. .. Rick, cut it out! It's not funny, Rick! I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders. And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option.

the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or... Marty's grounded! Ha-ha! Aw, man! Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry. All right, Ruffles -- What's his name? Shuffles.

Hmm. Please be kind to us, forwe are but tiny things with entire bodies, stuck to your ground. I like what you got! Good job! - Yeah! - Whoo! We did it!

Th-th-that's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty.

Hey, don't shove me! - I didn't! - You didn't what? - What's your problem? - What's yours? - Shut up! - You shut up! Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do?

Hmm. Human music. I like it,

Snuffles fix. Make better. Humans understand Snuffles now? That. ' ' is, ..awesome! Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles needto be understood. Okay, yeah.

Sure. Okay, Morty, Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you. That's a myth! W-W-Why are you trying to start a myth? It's a prehistoric planet, Marty, Someone has to bring a little culture. And i-i-it certainly can't be someone whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Hmm. Human music.

It's a fucking hit song, J, It feels good J,

Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game. Ooh, yeah! Can do!

He tried to kill himself.

Our alliance is beneficial.

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV, Mrs. Sullivan always planned to leave everything to her cats.

Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was -- Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Uhh...

Moving on to planet Arboles Mentirosos. Arbolian Mentirososians, show us what you got!

It's raining blood!

What should we do with our remaining $20? You realize they sing no matter how much you tip? Whoa! Aaah! Holy shit. What happened? I hit a deer. We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10!

Here's where I am. And lookit -- right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here -- super-weird. I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down The Council of Ricks? Is that where you're going with this? 'Cause that's where I’d be going.

to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick! Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews! Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out -- Just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Oh, great work, Morty. Okay, I'll just cure it and then-- Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening,

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing. Oh, my God, he exploded! Trust me, they're fine with it.

They're probably living it up in some pointless, grounded story about their shitty marriage.

Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!

f speaking Arabic ] Marty)

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!

but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.

Be better than me. Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!

all the famous ones... they're gone. Dear god.

What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Aah! Come on out, Jerry! Guys, l'll choke up. I'll follow through. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay? Oh, we're well past that, Jerry.

H EAD: That was Chunkytunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorbdork. " Up next, planet Earth! Oh, god! We're up?!

My life is a fucking joke! J, Goodbye, moon men J,

We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

BETH: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about. Where would you go? I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina. Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game. Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we klii him.

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

Fuck you, Pichaei You ’re a fucking piece of shit,

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go! Huh, that's weird. Huh, that's weird. Oh, my god, What? The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! The son of a bitch is gonna kill me! What?! Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. - don't you get it?! - don't you get it?!

I'm going to go find mom and dad! No! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He -- he roped me into this. Well, that one over there roped me into this. Well, he roped me into this. Yeah, Marty, this is the part of the story everybody loves -- scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.

When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water... You everwonderwhat happened to Rick and Marty? Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.

Hey, I'm squanching in here!

As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

Oh, for god's sakes. That's enough. What the hell are you doing, Nathan?! I'm the goddamn President ofthe United fucking States! I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President... I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun. Wait, wait, wait. Why -- why --

like, i don 't know, " million, See you at the Olympics, This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family, Now it does their taxes. Everything 's deductible. Don 't pay for cooi stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money, You know, like how every other store in the world works? We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down.

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes! Show me what you got!

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got... a hit song, - A hit song? - We can't possibly -- You mean like Vivaldi? No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly written, catchy original song,

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there.

Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times 10!

All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out!

We ’re iocated at First and Main in Oid Town. Come on -- come on down. "First and..." f babbles f That's right across the street from "Needtul Things, "

- Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

This is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request. All done! Wow ! And then it stops existing.

and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Marty,

So we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Lick, lick, lick my balls! Yeah! Say that all the time. That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there. Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story. Beth, I'm your father! Oh, are you, dad? Are you? Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!

We -- we have to tell the cops you were driving. - What? - This is rum raisin!

lwish that shotgun was my penis. If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway.

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub! Play something. S-Somebody, play something.

Pluto is... ...not a planet.

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon.

They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am --

Oh, my God, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka!

Please! Please don't kill me! What's she saying, Bill? I think she's saying, "I love lasagna."

You mean drunk? What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!

but here, you did it -- y-y-you -- you -- you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do. Whoa! That's some great luck. Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it, l'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Marty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases. Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, Jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. AIDS! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

All right, Marty, here we are. Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-W-W-We're dead! What is going on, Rick? l'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! Calm yourself, Morty. I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty. - This can't be real! - You gotta calm down, Marty, - W-W-W-W-We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me!

Oh, shit. - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation. L 'chaim! Tammy, what are you doing? Sit your Bird ass down. Tammy? Birdperson!! No!!

Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Marty? The answer is don't think about it, It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more ofthese, tops,

Did you get any of that? It's a good-a show!

I -- he made me a girl! He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. She is who she is. Now, you go to her...brand-new. Come here, right now, Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Ethan! I love you! I love you so much. Um...

My life is a fucking joke!

Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name -- Ar-Arsenio. Isn't that -- it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody. I don't get it.

Talk about self-destructive. Yeah. JERRY: Hey, Jerry-Lover! How about a taste of the real thing? Jerry! Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

Huh? J, "J," "K," He'll really ruin your day J, Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

- What's happening, Grandpa? - What's going on, Rick? Sh-sh-shut up. Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. Oh, shit. We got tiny people, Lii’ Bits! You hungry? Come on down. Lii’ Bits. Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch.

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. Uh... okay,

wacky scientists, you know?

HEAD: Welcome back to "Planet Music"! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops', The Greeby Bobes!

Here's where I am.

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain! - What are you talking about? - What's that mean? - English, please. - English? Our time is fractured -- you two somehow created a feedback look of uncertainty that split our reality into two equally possible impossibilities.

Oh, my god! Oh shit!

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross.

I'm going to work. Marty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye.

Who the fuck are you? My goofy brother, Steve.

Diabolic son of a motherf--

Oh, my god! Did you get any ofthat? It's a good show!

100 years, Rick and Morty's things. Me and Rick and Marty running around, and Rick and Marty time. All day long, forever. All -- a hundred days. Rick and Marty forever -- 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. WWW, rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures.

Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move. Wait, I was wrong, I was thinking of a T, Rex. Move! We're sitting ducks! Doc, didn't you say that the body was filling with gas?

I'm Tiny Rick! O-O-Okay.

This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong, You're basically -- This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. Told you, Zeep. Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. That just sounds like slavery with ex... tra... steps.

Don't even trip, dawg. It's pretty bad, Emperor Snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation. Anything. Anything for my precious Marty, Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your Kingdom. To hell with my Kingdom, Bean Counter.

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Well, ifthe old adage is true, one can only wonderwhat's going down in the Rocky Mountains. Wha?

mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You gotta fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Marty, You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Marty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.

MORTY: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird. Don't judge, Marty, Okay. All right, well... Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up, Whoa, whoa, Marty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. lfwe're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend.

You guys are the fucking worst!

Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids! Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck! GLAXO: The next step is to watch your mythologues interact together and, uh -- big surprise --

Your failures are your own, old man.

The top priority is to get, you know, you guys out ofthere, but I'm just saying, ifthat becomes impossible, please, you gotta treat yourself. Oh, man. W-w-w-what is that horrible smell? You mean the Panda Express? Kidding. l-l'm kidding. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas.

Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck!" J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got J, J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker!

Wh-whoa, whoa! What the hell, hell, hell, hell, hell? Oh, god. Oh, no. What did you guys just do? - What did who do? - What do you mean? Wait, what am I saying? Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now? Oh, man, I don't feel good. - Am I me? - Am I talking right now? - I think so. - Wait, who said that? All right, both of you just don't move.

This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV,

Boo! Not cool! I'm the only one that speaks to the Heads! Disqualified! The Heads disqualified Vagina! Get him! Disqualified! Disqualified!

Two parts Plutonic Quarks... One part Cesium... A-and listen, I'm sorry for yelling earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. And the final ingredient...

I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know ifl personally would ever do it...

And the final ingredient... JERRY: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Why don't you ask the smartest people in the Universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. you can't. They blew up,

he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. How familiar are you with the gear wars, exactly? Uh... not at all. Oh, boy, I envy you, Okay, it was about 754 years ago-,

So good luck with your shitty marriage,

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204.

J, Bounce that ass, drop it down to the floor J, J, Freak that nigga 'til his shit get sore J,

You want to slow dance?

Hey, what are you in tar? Everything.

J, Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see what you got J, Roll credits! J, Just shake that a-- J, Roll the credits! Go! J, Just shake that ass J, That's the end of season one! That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker!

Keep your eye on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the Churro Stand. Intestines are ahead to the left, then to the right, then left, et cetera. Hey, just so you know, I-I-I'm actually 14. So, you know... what? Not 12.

I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter. Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room, Wejust need Cesium, Plutonic Quarks, and bottled water.

Oh, my god! Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got f-illed pretty quick. Oh, god,

Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

Hi. Principal Vagina -- the name's real, possibly Scandinavian.

Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess.

The arterial transit system is useless. We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the bone train. Would you like to ride the bone train, Miss? If it'll get us out of here. How about you, Marty? Would you like to ride the bone train? Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die! Let's go!

MORTY: Wow, Rick, I gotta say -- you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, l-l really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good,

I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Reuben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery.

Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick!

I can craft stuff, too, pal!

Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there.

PRESIDENT: I'm really bad at this, Marty! There are way too many buttons in this thing! Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck. J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased!

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date! It was a pagan holiday!

You're inside a simulation,., ofa simulation,., inside another giant simulation! W-We never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do howl We do now, sucka! You simulated my grandson's genitalia?!

I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six ofthem are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

MAN: It's a good show.

I mean, you know, l-l don't want to shoot nobody. They're just robots, Marty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Aah! My leg is shot off! Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children! They're not robots, Rick! It's a figure of speech, Marty, They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them.

That is pretty gay.

Wubba, Iubba, dub, dub!

They're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games!

J, Group text the whole crew, my motherfuckin' friends! J,

He's in bad shape, Marty, Aw, geez, Rick. What'd you do? Gee, thanks, Morty. W-w-what kind of monster do you think I am? l-l-l'm sitting here trying to save the guy's life. I need your help. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's going on. Uh, w-w-w-where -- where do I find Dr. Bloom? ln Reuben.

ZEEP: So remember -- A crank a day is not nearly enough. Crank it, I told them this means "peace among worlds." How hilarious is that? Re-Really funny, Zeep.

Everybody, get back! Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder -- Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, Shriners, balding men that work out,

Oh shit! That was -- Okay, yeah. T-That was gross. Wow, Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Marty, Ugh.

I'm okay with this. Be good, Marty, Be better than me.

Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and... All right, Marty, here we are.

It's like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

Marty! What are you doing to me?! Jessica. Marty!

- I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass.

J, It's a small, small intestine J, It goes on like this for miles. Then we get to the large intestine! Shh! I hear something.

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

I remember it differently.

J, Everybody seems so far away from me J,

RICK: Worst movie ever.

But now things are evened out, so, Arthrisha? Happy Festival cock suckers! Suck my cock! Chew my balls! Suck my huge dick!

Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of kaboom-boom, and I say we show it right up this floating head's ass. No, you need to let me talk!

I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Marty, Now, help me with these bodies. This is insane. Look, Marty, l'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me -- I mean, that seems like a fairway to divvy it up,

Just...as...planned. Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

J, Oh, yeah J, J, You gotta get schwifty J, J, You gotta get schwifty in here J, J, It's time to get schwifty J, Get "Schwifty"? What the hell is that? lt's ourworld's best effort. That's what. J, Take off your pants and your panties J,

That's very funny! Here comes another funny. Oh, this place is great. I almost wish I could stay longer than one day. You just might. W-what do you mean? These are the Jerrys whose Ricks and Mortys never came back.

Aaah! Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris! You killed my gun!

No! Oh shit. Oh shit.

Who wants to come watch "Midnight Run" with Director's commentary on? - Yeah! - Definitely. First one there gets to adjust the picture setting! The factory tint setting is always too high! Out of my way. The tint setting is always too high.

Okay. Well, I can't cure death. This is bad, Marty, You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, ifthe situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates ofthe Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but I think it's great, Morty. It's a bunch of pirates running around a pancreas. We don't whitewash it, either, Marty,

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council. Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick. W-W-W-W-W-Why isn't he here in handcuffs? Because he's dead, too!

Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality,

Keep Summer safe. No! No, no! Don't hurt anybody! undefined Confirm custom defense protocol -- Keep Summer safe -- My physical force.

Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Marty, we can get to... the edge.

It's become clear -- look at me -- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's fcollcow-thrcough, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. l'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution. Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days,

J, Napoo napoo nots J, Ugh. Tough crowd. I'm sure that has -- that has nothing to do with this. The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look!

all the famous ones... they're gone.

for a crowd this tiny. You got that right, Rick. RICK: Now that's more like it! Marty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "Hey-oh!" yeah! All the ladies say, "Yeah!" Everybody over 30, do this with your hands!

J, Look away from the sky J, J, It's no different when you're leaving home J,

- They're all dead. - What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?

Oh, god, gross and weird! undefined Chris!

Birdperson!! No!!

J, How could I say goodbye? J, You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes-, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the -- the blood, and the red, and the water...

God is dead! The government's lame!

Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, l-l wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg World beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around. Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty.

Show me what you got! Uh... J, Lapoo lapoo lapoo dops J, J, Napoo napoo napoo nots J, Headward, free now to rise. Hey, look at the Heads! Looks like the Heads are getting angry!

l'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him!

Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game? Oh, my god, oh, my god! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice!

Oh! Stand down! Everybody, stand down! I'm the leader ofthese people, and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery. My name is Rick Sanchez. This here is my grandson, Marty, ALL: Hi, Marty, Hey. I've seen enough ofthe Galaxy to know what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse.

Wha -- well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation,., inside a simulation. You're still on the ship.

Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a real crazy ending, huh?

Please, God, ifthere's a hell, please be merciful to me. Yes, I did it! There is no God! In your face! One dot, motherfucker!

What's that? You got something to say? - No. - And away we go! And away we go!

Stop the nuclear missile launch! Just launch the missiles! Boo! Not cool!

27 Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines -- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137? You think /did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe? You have a history of non-cooperation with the council.

Beth you're a treasure. l have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or attractive. Aw, Thank you. Oh! She did! She did it!

Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis-- defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver. All right, Marty, Thank you very much. We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...

- I don't know what to do! - Oh, crap! undefined I don't know what to do! Oh, god, now there's three of them.

HEAD: We asked them to show as what they got, and they did, Now we // see which of them has got the most. 24 hours, 5 planets, 5 songs. But in the end, there can only be one... Planet Music!

That's it! Beth, it's me, your husband! I'm here to save you. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith! Aha! Yes! Jerry Smith! - Yeah, here. - Aha! Okay, fair enough.

And what's your plan, General? We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a missile at every one ofthose heads in the sky. Our planet's held captive on a live game show, and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Marty, "Get Schwifty" was a jam.

Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst.

The Heads are displeased! Summer! Um... Marty! HEADS: Hooray! Hooray! Look! Hooray! The Heads love this! They love it when we don't kill the Smith family! No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will ofthe Heads!

Oh, crap, are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot.

Oh shit! The other collar! I'm not okay with this. I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus, please let me live. Oh, my god, I have to -- I've got to fix this thing. Please, god in heaven. Please, Gad, Oh, lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you, God! Not today, bitch!

Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room, Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. They'll want it at --

and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.

Turn in to "Rick and Marty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until ourjob is done. The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.

There's an infinite number of realities, Marty, and in a few dozen ofthose, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one ofthose realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.